 Well, hello and welcome to understand, or Jonathan from the heart. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com. And I'm so excited to be doing this short video for you today. Our topic, if he does these two things, if he agrees to these two things, he's ready for commitment. All right, really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if anytime during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, these are my weekend videos I shoot out on my balcony, very similar to the videos I shoot in my private group called Midlife Love Mastery. This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis. And I shoot videos based on the questions you write in the group. So check out the link below to my VIP group. So we're going to talk about a more serious topic today. And I think it's a rather, rather important topic that we lean into in relationships today, because I think there's a lot of clueless human beings out there. I'm sorry to say it that way. But we have this, there's this almost fantasy about how relationships should be without really understanding the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. And I want to read you something. It's a YouTube post I did on my community page several days back. And I want to read this out loud to you. Because I think this illustrates a point that might help you understand what's going on with dating, mating, and relating today. So the post starts off random thoughts. For most of the world and throughout history, basic survival needs were at the forefront of almost everyone's mind and actions. And in the last 50 plus years, humans spend less time hunting for food or fighting to maintain shelter nearly close to what it was like hundreds, if not thousands of years ago. What's left is the expansion or experience of our inner world of emotions. And it seems to me that almost everyone is dysfunctional in this realm, but almost everyone thinks that they're not part of that dysfunctionality. Whether you're a man or woman, mental health is mental health is a serious issue and it manifests in a variety of ways, such as psychological abuse, depression, selflessness, toxicity, self-destruction, self-criticism, and even anger a result of those who haven't had help to create the skills to manage their emotions. And social media has amplified this in an unexpressive ended way, which is also causing humans to implode. Unhealed wounds and traumas, big or small, or at the root of this epidemic of emotions running amok, as well as a constant public exposure of our lives through social media and the addiction to technology to replace true human connection. Is it just me or is anyone else seeing the destructive cause by the lack of tolerance, compassion, and forgiveness for those who are struggling in all forms with emotional distress, even those who are causing the pain and the need for personal development, self-help, and spiritual work to create a little bit of balance in an already chaotic world. And don't get me started on politics, I said. As Rodney King says, can't we all just get along? Why I'm sharing this with you is because I'm a channel that predominantly focuses on helping women understand men, helping women attract, you know, passionate, juicy, delicious relationships in their lives. I notice a habitual problem with many women is that they blame men for all of their unhappy relationship experiences. They blame men for all their unhappy relationship experiences. You know, it's so fascinating to me. If you go to any men's group, you know what they do? They're pointing the finger at women and women are pointing the finger at men. And yet nobody, very few people are actually looking inward to see how could I be the cause of what's going on. And just like I shared in the post, there's this delusion that I'm the person, I'm not the dysfunctional person. And yet what is the definition of insanity? It's doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. And why this is so prevalent today is because of a narrative that no longer exists. And what I mean to say is we no longer live in an environment where women are as dependent upon men as they ever were in the past. So now we can make better choices on who we choose to mate with. And yet our current dating or mating strategy is based on chemistry and romance as an indicator of relationship success. And yet sadly, men in the beginning stages of dating, we don't operate from the place of I want a relationship. I want a relationship. I'm on a relationship. Most men operate, not almost, operate from a place of limerence or lust, limerence or lust. Limerence means extreme infatuation. And lust means I want to have sex with you. This is why whenever you've experienced a man coming on strong, whenever you've experienced limerence from a man, this is a man who most likely hasn't tempered himself. He doesn't have the self-discipline, nor does he have the emotional maturity or relationship skills to actually lean into a healthy, happy relationship. Because the reality is is most humans are dysfunctional in their emotional maturity and relationship skills. And if you haven't seen my chart before, I'm going to show it really quickly. If you're brand new to my channel, by the way, I say emotional maturity relationship skills. This is not a fact. It's an opinion. But I believe roughly 20% of the population has clinical issues. I mean, real clinical issues. And while I say 20% of the population is healthy, I'm being generous when I say healthy, because most humans are dysfunctional. Myself included. I've had terrible relationship skills throughout most of my life. Most of my life. And I've operated from the premise that chemistry equals relationship success. And this is why the dating practice is process is so dysfunctional because it hyper focuses on the chemistry without really determining true compatibility with another human being. So what is the cause of all of this dysfunctionality, emotional lack of emotional maturity, a lack of relationship skills? Well, there's a little bit of irony. I'm wearing my Grinch shirt, grow your heart three sizes, and it's a great story of when a little boy, little Grinch, was had his feelings hurt when he was very young. And as, I mean, and deeply hurt deeply, deeply hurt, and as he aged, that hurt started to put armor around his heart, and it actually began shrinking his heart from an emotional perspective because of this hurt he had at his as a child. And as he aged, he took that hurt and he projected it out to the community in a very unkind, unhealthy way. And yet sadly, this story is an illustration of so many people out there who have been hurt. Now they might not do as egregious things as the Grinch did, but it might manifest in other different ways. It might manifest in ghosting someone. It might manifest in dismissing someone. It might manifest in not validating a person's feelings. And this habitual, you know, it might seem like abuse from the from the receiver's end, but to the person who's giving it, they're completely unconscious and aware because they're, they're literally have been covered in so much armor of pain, that they're not even aware that they're causing harm to another human being. And this is sadly where the way men are treated, they're women, view men and men view women. This is sadly how we view each other. We are oftentimes men and women just experiencing the pain from another person. This is why I'm such a big proponent of those who follow my work to do the personal development, self-help and spiritual work to actually lean into a healthy, happy relationship. If you haven't read my book, what the heck is self love? Anyway, I mentioned it in every video, by the way, the link below to Jonathan recommends books. Folks, I was a dysfunctional human being, an emotionally immature dysfunctional human being, and it took, it took years of working on myself to actually be in a place where I could actually communicate my thoughts, feelings and emotions in a way that can be seen, heard and understood. And just because, you know, and I'm going to, this is going to sound like a judgment, ladies, but I want to be clear in many cases, just because you can articulate your feelings to your friends, which oftentimes is a lot of storytelling and talking to actually be able to do that with your partner, oftentimes you don't land on them, your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions. And I know you're being told by all the other coaches is just sit in your feminine energy and set boundaries, sit in your feminine energy and set boundaries and sit in your feminine energy and set boundaries. Well, first off, you can sit in your feminine energy all day long, which basically means just laying there. That's all that means just receive where you could actually lean into instead of leaning back, leaning into your own personal development, so you can actually start leaning into a relationship with someone else. And it's incumbent upon humans to learn better communication skills, to learn the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship, to actually want to grow in a relationship with someone else. Otherwise, we're just spending time with people. And repeat that most couples are in, for those of us in midlife, most couples are in casual relationships and all they're doing is spending time with one another. They're not actually growing the deep roots of trust that actually helps forge a awesome, juicy, delicious, committed relationship. So you're now probably wondering, well, Jonathan, can you get to those two things that you said that men need to agree to do? Folks, if you watch my channel, you know, I habitually say the following. Before you have sex with a man, before you sleep with a man, I highly recommend purchasing two copies of this book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. That helps you create the conversations to determine if you're actually compatible with one another, if you actually want the same things. But Jonathan, that's going to sound like I'm recommending interrogation. Folks, let me just say this, I am getting email after email after email from women on my YouTube channel, sharing that they've done exactly what I've said and the men are grateful. They are grateful because there are so many good guys out there, they're just bad daters. And there's a lot of wounded people out there that oftentimes need to do more Herculean work before they're ready for a serious relationship. This is why I'm such a big proponent for everyone to consider reading the book, the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process, because this is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that cause our negative patterns and our limiting beliefs in our life and our inability to be emotionally present in a relationship. Emotionally present to be in a relationship think about that. Physically present is easy. Everybody can do physical presence. In fact, most men are, we've been indoctrinated with our sole job to be in a relationship is to be the provider protector. And yet if you want a deeper, fuller, richer relationship, it's going to require to lean into the emotional aspects of a relationship. So to piggyback on the book eight dates because I said the relationship skills, the communication skills for men and women alike are absolutely dysfunctional. I highly recommend reading the book nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg, nonviolent communication. It should have been called compassionate communication. It will help you ladies and it will help men. I'm hoping men are watching this, but for you ladies to learn better communication skills so you can actually evoke and inspire him to lean into the kind of relationship that you want. So these two things he has to agree to. First is reading these books that I recommend. Reading the books eight date before you become physically intimate with them. Maybe reading the Hoffman process. Definitely consider reading nonviolent communication and my book is optional and yet I will tell you it is the pathway for those. It's just a simple pathway to actually start to come from a more empowered place to be in relationship. The second thing if he agrees to this he's ready for commitment. My coffee mug says do all things with love, do all things with love. The second thing if he agrees to do this is to actually agree to either doing couples counseling or therapy or for himself individually or within the two of you or more importantly there are hundreds if not thousands of couples workshops literally right around the corner from where you live most likely or at least within you know hundreds of miles depending on if you're in a rural area or not that can actually you can literally Google couples workshops and suggest this as part of your mating ritual is part of your mating dance is to agree that to say look I would like to be an I would like to explore a fully committed relationship with you. You say that to a guy I'd like to explore that and at the same time I'd like to grow something instead of just spending time with you would you agree to do couples workshops would you agree to doing couples therapy even as a way to help build our relationship stronger and I'm only suggesting this for those who haven't done much personal development work. For those men there are men who do therapy there are men who do therapy and they're at least far ahead of the curve from those who don't now I'm not saying you tell the guy he has to do therapy I'm saying suggesting this as a practice in your relationship to do couples workshops. You know it's interesting I saw a Instagram commercial or a little sponsored ad the other day and it showed three women talking at a restaurant and one of the women gets a text from the guy she went out with last night and she kind of dismissed the text and the girlfriend saying why'd you dismiss the text. She goes you know he you know he was tall he was handsome he has a great job why would you dismiss his text she goes he lost me at school I don't do therapy. Folks we are a dysfunctional world it's let's just agree I mean well you don't have to agree on it I'm just sharing with you that's the reality when I mean dysfunctional I mean we're dysfunctional here in the United States in ways that I can't even begin to start sharing okay I mean I can but from an emotional and relationship skills because we weren't taught this in our youth and we weren't taught by our parents often times the things we remember most were all the negative things do you realize humans spend 80% of their thought process in negative thoughts and usually their repetitive thoughts of the thousands and thousands of thoughts in a day most of it's negative it's time to fill our heart with love and just like the Grinch when he was able to open his heart when he was humbled in such a way to open his heart he wanted to be a giver and there are plenty of men who want this in a relationship how do you vet for these guys hey check out the link to a discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you that's my job is to help you ferret out to vet which guys are willing to do this right from the very beginning versus the ones who are going to say I don't need therapy therapy is for losers I don't need we don't need you know our love is going to carry us on folks I'm recommending this you can take it for what it's worth I mean you don't have to listen to it but if you definitely want to lean into a deeper committed relationship then I would recommend if he agrees to these suit things you have a greater chance of success and that's what I'm merely saying today all right I'm sure you have a lot to say about this if you enjoyed this video please hit that like button if you have something to say post a comment below I do my best to read them all and if you find value in wanting to connect with me then check out the link to my membership group called midlife love mastery check out the link to my to schedule a discovery call with me or follow me on my podcast all right I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Perug of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm asking you to turn to a friend to pat a teddy bear pillow um here's my teddy bear give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it we could all use more love in our lives thanks a bunch bye bye