 What's going on you guys? Rafe Derrazy here and today I'm going to be discussing, for those of us living with HIV, when is it a good time to disclose our status to those while we're dating. First of all, I'd like to say that I do not post my status on my dating profiles. I don't feel it's necessary to disclose things on my dating profile that are going to deter or detract someone from actually wanting to get to know me. The way the dating apps and sites work today, people's attention span is so short. I mean it's just as quick as a swipe to the left or to the right a lot of times and if people are willing to glance at your profile, just a few more seconds to scan the profile and then a swipe to the left to the right. That's how quick it is. So I don't want in that initial moment for someone to see something go, nope, moving on and not even give that a chance. People are so fickle and so picky now. They're looking for a reason to swipe left, you know what I mean? Personally, I've met a lot of guys who otherwise would have been reluctant to meet me or to get to know me but because I let them in on who I am first and I gave them the opportunity to kind of to see if there's a kind of chemistry with us in the first place, that opened up the doors so that when I did reveal my status, they were more open to it and most guys in my experience who didn't know about HIV were a little hesitant and a little reluctant but after I educated them a little bit and calmed some of their fears, then they were open to the idea and were willing to proceed with more dates, stuff like that, whereas had I posted on my profile, that experience might never have happened in the first place and these are good, generally good, honest people. With that said, there are a lot of people out there who do put their status on their profile and to that I give mad props, mad kudos, that is brave and it's a strong thing to do and I wholeheartedly support anybody who's doing that. This is not to deter from anyone who is confident about their status and who wants that to be a defining factor in who they're dating and who they match with and stuff like that. I personally, it's not a defining factor for me. It's something that I consider to be off radar and not even that important in my day-to-day life so I don't want that to be a primary factor in someone that I'm dating or someone to consider that as a primary factor which is why I disclose it at a later time when it feels right in the process of us dating and getting to know each other. What I don't want you to worry about or feel is that you're being dishonest or disingenuous if you don't outright disclose it. A lot of people in the community I've noticed want to shame those of us who are HIV positive who don't disclose it at the outset like we need to wear as a banner on our head for everyone to see otherwise we're somehow being misleading or something. The reality is people don't post all of their quote-unquote negative crap on their profiles. People don't put that they have diabetes or that they have they're struggling with depression or that all the other STDs that they may have or may have had in the past or anything like that. We don't do that. There's a reason we want to put out our best selves our genuine best selves out there and then as we start to get to know the person more and more then we'll start to disclose it more of our personal stuff and then show that we're a three-dimensional well-rounded human being not just light and fluffy and airy and great. Now whether you decided disclose your status on the first date the second date the third date a week in two weeks in that is a deeply personal decision and I feel it should be and it should be tailored to your own experience to the speed of your connection with the person that you're dating and just vibing off the other person. That is something that you have to feel out for yourself as you are getting to know each other. Every person that we date is going to be different the speed at which we get to know the other person is going to be different so that is something that I feel you just have to experiment with play with get used to and see where you're comfortable. But I think it's important to make that leap to go ahead and trust another person if they've given you the space to do so. Where I do draw the line is you should disclose your status before engaging in sexual activity with the other person. That this is a point where it's no longer just about you you're involving the other person and they in a way in a sense have the right to know what they're getting themselves into regardless of whether you're undetectable or not or whether they're on prep or not whether using condoms or not. It's just a matter of respect and being honest and acknowledging that the sexual act is between two people and you need to have that respect and that honesty there for it to be something meaningful and something where if you don't tell them and they find out later that can breed resentment and anger and ultimately hurt your relationship with that person and any potential future with that person. Also here in the States I'm not sure if it's still the law or not but I believe that by law you're supposed to disclose your status to anyone that you have sex with. It's a little I believe that's outdated because HIV is not what it once was and it should be in line with other STIs STDs but regardless my stance on it is that you it's your moral imperative to let the other person know about your status before you engage in any kind of sexual activity. In the end sexual activities aside there really is no right or wrong way to go about doing it. The important thing is that you do it in a respectful way in a way that makes you comfortable and feels right and genuine for you but is also going to be done in a way that promotes the possible relationship with the person that you're trying to date and that you're interested in letting them in. It's about it's a give and take trusting that person allowing them to trust you and moving forward from there and and knowing that that their initial response might not be favorable it might be with some reticence or reluctance or whatever but that gives you the opportunity as someone who knows what it's like to live with HIV who knows how far we've come how good the medicine is now how how much of a good life we have at our disposal despite that our diagnosis to be able to educate the other person and open their eyes up a little bit. In the end anyone who is truly worth your time who is truly worth your energy and your commitment and worth dating is going to be willing to hear you out to listen to what you have to say to open their eyes and their heart a little bit to not judge you for your diagnosis and anyone who is not willing to date you for that reason or just can't get past the stigma of it or the judgment of it is not worth your time. In that case the universe, God, whatever is doing you a favor by getting that person out of your life by you not having to waste your time dating this person. So sometimes it's good that we lay our cards out in the beginning and that person extricates themselves from our lives because they would have done so anyway regardless at some point so it's just better that we save ourselves the trouble and the time and we leave ourselves open for those good kind-hearted people who are worth our time who are going to see us for who we are and not based on our diagnosis. So that's that's how I feel about it that's the way I handle it. I don't put it on the apps but again I'm blasted all over social media so one cursor we look at my Instagram or my YouTube you're going to know of HIV. I just don't put it on the actual dating app and then once we go on a date and we start we have our little heart to hearts and talk openly about ourselves and all and if they haven't seen it by then I'll be sure to disclose it and let them know at that time. So I hope this helps. I hope this gives you some idea something to think about a kind of a framework of how to go about tackling that issue. I know that's really difficult for a lot of you and I've had a lot of questions about that. Please leave a comment below. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. When do you disclose? How do you disclose? What are your ideas on that? Like this video if you liked it. Share it with anybody who you think might find this useful and if you haven't already subscribe because I've got a lot more great content coming for you soon. Alright cheers guys. Peace.