 The Abaddon Costello program starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costlier, properly aged tobaccos. The Abaddon Costello program with the music of Carl Hoff and his orchestra, our singing star Amy Arnell, and spotlighting that chunky, chubby little cherub who went caught tying a handkerchief across his Uncle Artie Stebbins nose because he heard him say he might have to blow in a hurry. Comley said, I'm a... What's the idea? Come here. Take it easy. Take it. Put that gun down. Okay. What's the idea of coming in here with that 10 gallon hat and that cowboy outfit on? Have you heard of it? No. I just made sheriff from our Hollywood. Okay. Step aside, Abbott. What kind of gun is that? That's a horse business. It's the absurd thing I've ever heard of. You were sheriff. Yeah, me a sheriff, Abbott. Something dirty. Do you always try to use big words? Of course I'm educated. What do you think I am? A J-U-R-K? All right. Look, I'm thinking about it. I still can't understand why they ever made you the sheriff. You know, a sheriff has to be a brave man. Now, what have you ever done? What have I ever done? Yes. By one time, I went out over on myself to catch 5,000 savage Indians and dirty well on the warpath. How many Indians? There was 1,000 bloodthirsty Indians. How many Indians? I was chasing 100 shrieking, hollering, man-cruising. So, Costella, what a sheriff. Why you haven't even got a horse? Oh, I got a horse. I eat with my horse. I drink with my horse. I even sleep with my horse. Why do you sleep with your horse? I have to. It's his blanket. He used to say, look at the horse's neck cussing. Talk sense. Will you please? Does that sound how I read it? Never mind. Listen to me. Yes, that's just the way it sounds. Right over there. Isn't he a beauty? Beauty? Why, that horse has only three legs. He only has one leg in front. I know, but it's in the middle, ain't it? Take that horse back to the man in the waterfront. Okay, but closely, we'll like it. Look, Costella, you don't know the first thing. You don't know the duties of a sheriff. Listen, I'm going to paint you a picture of just what a real sheriff has to go through. Okay. Now, suppose you're sitting in the red dog cafe eating breakfast. What am I eating? Oh, a bowl of boat being a lots of different. Then it ain't me. Why not? I eat Wheaties. Look, Costella, please. You're the sheriff. You're a man who is ready for anything. I'm ready for a bowl of Wheaties. Will you forget the Wheaties? But my mother always lets me have Wheaties. Well, forget your mother. First, I can't have Wheaties, and now he wants me to pick up my mother. I never mind that. My poor old wirehead. What? What does he aim stand for? Tell you your duties of the sheriff. Now, listen to me. Will you please? Sitting in the red dog cafe eating your bowl of Wheaties. Can I have strawberries on my Wheaties? All right, all right. You can have strawberries. Thank you. Suddenly, the door opens. The door opens. A man rushes in and says, I've struck gold. I've got a bonanza. Cancel the strawberries. What for? I'll have sliced bonanzas. Now, not only another man dashes into the cafe and yells. Lady, lady. Another man dashes into the cafe and yells. Come quick, sheriff. The Indians have captured. Harriet Huckleberry. You run to your horse and you say, oh, pal, we've got to rescue Harriet. Yeah. She puts her wet nose in your hand and... Oh, Miss Huckleberry. And now, down the horse. Now, with elite, you land securely in the saddle. Your face is stirring. Your grip is sure. Your clutch is firm. How's my transmission? Okay. And when you cut it out, quickly amount your horse and tear up the street. Tear up the street? What? I've got a plow horse. Now, when you quit interrupting, you ride out across the ferry. You ride for hours and hours on end. That sounds logical. Yeah, yeah. You ride for days and days until the seat of your trousers is warm thin. Then, there you are. You discover, you discover the Indians' camps. So what? The Indians discover you. So what? They start shooting arrows at you. So what? Don't be a coward. Don't be a coward. The Indians will soon run out of ammunition. There are arrows. There are arrows are getting a little scanty. What was that? I got a little scanty in my panty. After hours of fighting, you will lose the Indians and reach Harriet Huckleberry. You stink up and loosen the ties that bind her. I quit. You quit? Why? I don't know how to untie a girdle. No, no, no, no, no. You untie the ropes with a sigh of gratitude. She falls into your arms. She looks in your eyes and says, my hero, you have saved my life. From now on, I am your slave. Your very wish will be my command. Tell me, tell me, how can I save you? And what do you say? Bring me a bowl of Wheaties. Oh, nuts. I said nuts. That's good, too. What's good? Wheaties with nuts. Oh, what's good? Cabel fans everywhere. Carl Hoff and the orchestra play. Who? Sorry, no. You need to preserve law and order. Since he matters for me, I'll... The minute you dope, you'll shoot your nose off. It's easy if you know how to watch. You should clean up this office. How can you stand all these flies in here? Well, I don't walk on a sealant. Come in. Hello, Miss Muccio. Hello. I'll titulate you on being elected sheriff of North Holywood. Morsing in that ten-gallon heart and that shiny bodge. Did you say... bodge? Yeah, pinned on my boost. Sticking on the ocean waves. I was awfully disappointed. Why? All she wanted to do was neck. Why do the riders make me read stuff like this? For two, she has big blue eyes and a gorgeous figure. Yes? What does it weigh for you to follow her day and night? Will you take two hundred dollars in my new car? Well, it's Scotty Brown. I've come here to ask the assistance of Sheriff Costello to stop a vicious rumor. Hey, what's the trouble, Scotty? Well, yesterday morning the word got around that my little son Angus had swallowed a fifty-cent piece and now five hundred of my Scotch friends are all trying to adopt him. See what you can do about it, Ladi. I'm in a hurry to get home. And what's your hurry? Well, I've got to get my wife's teeth home to her. Oh, you've been to the dentist? No, Ladi. I always take her teeth when I leave the house so she can't eat between meals. Well, good day, Ladi. Well, never mind him, Costello. Hey, look, a big limousine just pull up in front. It must be somebody important. Now, fix yourself up here. Put on your ten-gallon hat. Wait a minute. Where's your badge? I had it here a minute ago, Abbot. Let me see my badge. My badge! Where is it? What did I do with my badge, Abbot? No, I got to sit down a minute and see where I put it. Ah! He's letting me die with my boots on. I must die with my boots on. I've got to die with my boots on. Why? I got a big hole in my sock. No, no, it was a woman. Wait a minute. Now, this must be her now. Come in. Oh, hello, Mrs. Niles. Mrs. Niles! What's wrong with Mrs. Niles? I don't like the way she's acting. You don't know why. She's getting a lot of laughs. Climb yourself, Mrs. Niles. What's the trouble? Kenneth and I have a little ranch out in the Cucamonga, and the cattle wrestlers have stolen most of my cows, and I expect them around any minute to pinch my calf. Don't be silly. Who'd want to pinch your skinny calf? Costello, Kenneth thinks my legs are pretty. Well... Remember, you are the sheriff. Oh, I'll never get any help from Costello. What a sheriff! You don't even carry a gun. Oh, yes, I do, Mrs. Niles. I've got a big 45 right here in my back pocket. Yes, Costello, we've got to get out to Mrs. Niles' ranch right away. Come on, let's go to another horse's and be on our way. Okay, let's go. I'm tired of... I want the bull... That was good. Oh, yes, yes, you always find gold in quartz. Wait a minute, Hermite. I don't see any gold. Oh, I've got it in my pockets. I've got pockets full of gold. You want to hear a tinkle? Listen. I didn't hear anything. I'll do it for you again. There, did you hear a tinkle? No, I didn't. How quiet the gold is tonight. It's right over yonder. It's over that black hill. I don't see any black hill, but there it is. You see the tip of my finger? Black hill is right there. That isn't a black hill. You need a manicure. Come on, Costello. We've got to get to the Niles' ranch right away. Let's jump on our horses. Okay, get your horses gone. Look who's coming out the gate. It's Mellonhead. Two guns. Six guns. Mix my pants. Fall down. Mrs. Niles asked us to come out here and catch the cattle rust. Well, it's a thousand dollars' reward to capture them cattle rustlers, and I'm aiming to get the reward. I tell you, one of the rustlers is the better man. Let's... Costello, he shot off your right ear. He shot off your left ear. Costello, why don't you shoot back? I can't see. Why not? My ears were holding my head up. Pull it between my teeth. I eat bullets for lunch. You cook the bruise. Oh, old cattle rustlers. I know their leader. It's Cactus Pete. Cactus Pete? Cactus Pete? Why, he's a big, powerful, brute of a man. He has big, rippling muscles of steel. Why, Mrs. Niles, his arms are so powerful, he could crush the breath out of a person. Oh, well, I'll get my hat on. I'll go with you. No, no. Now, you stay here, Mrs. Niles. We'll bring back Cactus Pete, dead or alive. Let's jump on our horses. Okay. What did he say, Costello? He said cement mixer. Put that, Costello. He comes to host us. I say hello, Dog Saloon, señores. I have more to live because you are a very gentleman. Come on over here and kiss your poor old father. Senor, no. Everybody tells me that I have more curls than the Lincoln Highway. Yeah, and those detours ain't bad either. Costello, I thought we came here to pinch the cattle rustlers. You pinch what you like and I'll pinch what I like. Right behind this door. Well, have it. The time has come. This is it. This is it. You wait here. Good for you, Costello, for a minute. I thought you were a coward. So you're going after Cactus Pete, hey? No, I'm going behind a door with Rosita. You have to speak the toughest ombre in these parts. Costello hit that cuspid arm from 25 feet. You think that's good? Watch this. You make fun of me, eh, ombre? Watch this. Very quick on the draw, senor. Oh, I have to draw, yeah. It is a pleasure to have such a beautiful gun pointed at my heart. All my life, I have wanted a pearl hand to revolve, but that is a beauty, senor. Do you mind if I look at it? No, not at all. Here. Thank you. You little fat fool. I've got your gun. Now stick them up. Give me your money, your watches, your rings. Thank you, senor. And I dare still, you little stupid sheriff. Why are you laughing? You stole all our money. You stole our jewelry. You even stole your gun. What do you mean? Well, Costello, you acted pretty stupid with that cattle rustle of the night. I thought you said you knew how to handle a gun. Oh, that was just for the program, Abbott. I'm really an expert with firearms. In fact, to prove it to you, if that gentleman sitting down there in a front row will step up on a stage, I'll shoot an apple off the top of his head. No, no! And a show all. I'll bet you don't know the first thing about chasing cattle rustlers. I'll bet you're scared to death of a bull. Oh, no, I'm not. One time I was standing face to face with a charging bull. There he was breathing fire, snorting and pouring the ground. Everybody was scared to death. But with one little word, I stopped that ferocious bull in his tracks. You stopped that bull in his tracks with one word? Mm-hmm. What was it? Good night, folks. Wait for another great Abbott and Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, try Camels in your tea zone. See if they don't suit your taste, your throat, to a tea. C-A-M-E-L.