 How can we support if a child is being bullied? That's the topic of today's episode, let's dive straight in. Today's question came from one of my Patreons who was asking how to support if their child is being bullied and we're thinking more about face-to-face bullying today rather than cyberbullying, more than happy to think about online bullying and cyberbullying in another episode if that's something that people would find helpful, let me know. But today we're thinking about face-to-face bullying and what we can do Primarily through the role of parent or carer though there'll be useful tips in here for people playing other roles supporting children too. So the first thing as ever is to listen. Your primary role at the beginning here is actually to give your child space to begin to explore their experiences and what is happening to them. This is not your story to tell it's their story to tell and the first thing we need to do is is give them space. It's going to be really hard for your child to talk to you about this and we should acknowledge that and say this must be really hard and I'm sorry and I'm here to support you. Reassure them, let them know that you are listening and that you do care and that you do love them. One thing you need to remember through all of this with your child is it will really shake their self-esteem and a reminder that there are people there who do love them who do see them for the things that make them brilliant and special and unique and so on is going to be so so important so love them out loud reassure them but listen it's not your story to tell and thank them as well. I think it's really helpful sometimes that we say to a young person thank you for trusting me with this this must be really challenging. One of the things that a child will often be really anxious about is what you're going to do next. They might have resisted telling you for some time about what was going on because they didn't want to upset you or they didn't want you to go storming into the situation and try and change things in a way that might actually make things worse for them so they need reassurance about that as well right from the off. I'm not going to do anything until we've discussed it and I've got your permission okay so we might with the child be exploring things that they can do we might be exploring with the child things that you can do or we might be thinking about involving another third party but the crucial thing here is they need to know nothing is going to happen without you discussing it with them first. Now hopefully wherever we get to you're going to have informed and enthusiastic consent from your child to take next steps but there will sometimes be occasions where you do feel actually even though you've said you don't want me to tell anyone about this I don't think you're safe anymore and I think it's really important that we do X. If you do end up doing that then it's very important that they know exactly who's going to be told what and when so they're not kind of overly worrying about it but let's hope we can be working together on this and coming to some shared decisions about what next but reassure them reassure them that you love them reassure them that you're listening reassure them that you're not going to do anything without talking to them and telling them first. Next in all this so we're listening we've got to take our feelings which will be big and we've got to put them to one side because this is not about us and our anger our distress our confusion our horror all those things you're going to feel because oh my goodness how could anyone do this to our child this is about our child and finding a way forwards and one thing that is certain and proven again and again and again and again and again is that the best next actions come not from the heat of the moment and the anger and the big feelings but from a place of considered calm when our thinking speaking problem-solving brains can kick in and we can do the next right thing if when we first hear about this we give in to those big feelings and we respond with big emotion we do two things one we make the situation feel harder for the child because what they need right now no matter how hard it is for us is a calm supportive adult we can acknowledge this is horrible this makes me feel so angry on your behalf that's okay but we need to do so in a calm supportive measured way they need us to take control of a situation and be calm in a situation that doesn't feel perhaps in control and calm for them the other problem when we respond with our big feelings is we just tend to do the wrong thing and we sometimes do actually make things worse but we don't want is to add to the bullying the fact that this kid now is going to perhaps have the psycho parent who ran into school and screamed at the head teacher or whatever you might be inclined to do in that moment boy we can do some big and sometimes pretty stupid things when we are riled up by what's going on for our kids so we need to put our feelings to one side we can use them to fuel our next actions later but in a calm and measured way not in the heat of the moment so put them to one side it's about them it's not about us we want to get to that place of karma make some good decisions the next thing I would be doing here is asking my child what do you want to happen next now they will have come to you for a reason sometimes that reason is nothing actually I just needed to talk to someone about it and I thought I could talk to you and if you think that your child is safe and maybe they've got some strategies they've shared with you about what they're going to do next then maybe for you to do nothing might be okay in this instance perhaps they might tell you I would like you to help me think about what to do next I want to fix this but I don't know what to do what can I say what can I do they might actively seek your advice and if they do then this is the point when we can then begin to explore and role play with them or maybe what next often if your child says they're coming for advice they've got lots of good ideas themselves but they need space to safely explore them and to flesh them out and to work out what might happen next they might say to you I need you to help me I need you to do something to make it stop in which case then we can explore okay what might that look like is there an adult who you think would be a good person that you think we can trust that we can talk to ask them that first before necessarily always going to who you think is the right adult if they don't have a suggestion then you can make one if you've got a good relationship with the school or other setting where this is happening but actually asking your child first can be really helpful because when they identify an adult who we might go and speak with then they're often going to identify someone with whom they have the relationship and having someone that they can go to that they can trust that they can check in with within the setting where the bullying is happening can be really helpful to them so ask for their suggestions first as to who you might go to so ask them ask what you can do to help ask them who they think can help also you might ask them have you got any friends who are actually being helpful here who are on side who you think might be able to be a buddy in this situation and it's not about asking friends to fight their battles for them it's about recognising that there is strength in numbers and sometimes when we're being bullied we can feel really alone and it's possible that other friends aren't really even aware of what's going on or what can sometimes happen is that friends will see what's happening and they really want to help but they're really scared of getting bullied themselves or it might be that there's pressure on them from bullies to not help the friend they might be kind of being bullied individually there can be all sorts of things going on here so asking your child to identify is there a friend or a buddy who you think might be of help here and perhaps then thinking how to facilitate like the conversations to happen outside of school for them to meet up outside where the bullying is not happening where they might think together you might think alongside the parents or carers of the other child for example but identifying other children ask your child that can be helpful it can be very very lonely otherwise you can also ask like a bit more about what's been going on and have they tried anything so it might be that they've tried various things to make this stop or that they've spoken to a friend or someone an adult in order to try and help them and nothing seems to have really happened but ask them explore get really really curious about what's happened so far make sure that before we work out what to do next we actually really understand where are we at what's led to this and what's already been tried now one key thing in these questions is just to make sure and you can just say this out loud and reiterate it that your child doesn't think that you're kind of blaming them for what's happening here so a really tempting question when your child is being bullied can be like well why why are they bullying you what have you done wrong what have you done to bring this on or something like this and that and certainly that might not be what you say but it might be what your child hears so whilst we can be curious and we might ask about the nature of the bullying what are the other children saying or doing and try to understand it and we can be curious about have you tried anything has certainly one else said or done anything to try and change this this is again not about saying hey you should have fixed this yourself by now it's just about saying I really want to understand what's already happened and what's going on so that we can figure out together what we should do next this isn't about trying to blame you this is in no way suggesting that this is happening because of anything you've said or done wrong you're brilliant and I love you but I just want to try and understand what's going on because I'm so confused about how this could possibly be happening so be open and honest in your confusion in your frustration in a calm way and explore with your child and get us full a picture as you can the other thing about this is that as your child talks about what's happening sometimes this will either help to minimise a little bit some of the things that are happening which can feel so big and so horrible in the pressure cooker of the place where they're happening all the time but it can also help them begin to think about times when you know days when it went a little bit better and days when it went a little bit worse and begin to identify if there are places or things they can say or things they can do or places to go that might make this actually better sometimes than others for example so the more that we can explore it the more their understanding of what has happening can improve and it can also help to put some of this into a wider perspective as well. A next thing that we can do with our child is to roleplay a little bit to actually think about how might they respond differently or what things could they try when these situations were to next occur now one thing I must say at this point we should be really careful about encouraging retaliation it sends the wrong messages to our children and tends to make the situation escalate rather than go away which is what we're looking for so try not to encourage retaliation but instead think with our child about what we think might actually be a helpful tactic like what is this bully doing what are they getting out of it maybe it's that this bully for some reason really likes to see your child cry maybe they really like it when your child is humiliated we don't know we can't get into the head of that bully but for whatever reason perhaps some things they've seen or learned in their own life something that's going on for them they enjoy seeing your child respond in a certain way so they might like seeing anger they might like seeing fear they might like seeing tears whatever it is the less of that that we can give them the less likely that cycle is to be repeated and so if it's at all possible for your child to ignore their bullies or with you to role play and come up with a very short response they could use each time and then walk away that can often really reduce the amount that this is happening because it's no fun for the bully if actually what they want is to see your child get really angry maybe your child is a kid who emotionally responds in a big way and they find that really funny to point and laugh with their friends then if your child is able not to respond in that way and know the responsibility shouldn't sit with your child but this can help things if your child's able not to respond in that way the bully doesn't get what they're looking for and this becomes boring to them so we can think with our child about how do we respond calmly what can we say practice what we're going to say and this should be something really really short so it might be just something like stop and turning around and walking away or you're not funny and turning around and walking away or I've always found this simple whatever and turning around and walking away the turning around and walking away is actually really important trying to remove ourselves from the situation because as our emotional regulation goes out of kilter we're much more likely to explode much more likely to give the crying or furious response that our bullies might be seeking so if we can turn walk away we might hopefully by this point have identified an adult or a friend who we might go to or a safe space that we might seek in these situations so we say our phrase stop shut up don't like it leave me alone you're not funny whatever works for your child and it needs to be a form of words that works for them and then turn walk away and seek the place or face of safety that we need I've touched in that idea around kind of role playing the idea of kind of identifying those safe faces and spaces and this is a really important thing to do with your child too you might have done this in the asking phase when we're getting curious but again we can just make sure that we check in with our child and say who can you trust at school both in terms of children and in terms of adults where are safe places where can you go where you are observed is it that for a while you want to hang out in the library at lunchtime where there is an adult that you trust and you know that the bullying can't happen because you're being watched all the time are there particular places that feel better where you know that you looked after who can you go to when these incidents happen who could we involve in this situation right now are you comfortable for us to approach an adult at school and let them know what's been going on and let them take the steps in line with the school's bullying policy because they will have one in order to begin to help you it might be that your child says I've tried telling him and they don't do anything this is quite often a response that we get from children and if this is the case then a very helpful thing here that you can do with your child is to help them to log in evidence what has happened so far so write a log and add to it as more stuff happens as well about what's happened where did it happen who did it happen with exactly what was the situation and what happened next a log like this can be really helpful to share with the setting to say look this is what's happening to my child repeatedly over time this is how it's making them feel you can include that in your log as well and then you can you can show them that this is not like a one-off thing this is something that's happening all the time and it's being really detrimental to your child in that log also to make it really helpful for your child and for you you can think as well about and what what made things worse or made things better like did you try any of the things that we thought about together and did they help or not like what happened if you did ignore or did you say your catchphrase and walk away and what happened next then did this make things any better at all or any worse or did you go and talk to a trusted adult like we discussed and what did they do next log all of this stuff it doesn't have to be lengthy but just keeping a record of it can be really really helpful particularly then if you do need to come and take it to another adult at school or escalate it or just to show them the you know how much this really is impacting on your child remember that any adult in school is going to be working with many many children every day and seeing in front of them in black and white this is what life is like for my child right now in your setting will be the thing that will help many adults to act it's often not that they don't want to they often just don't either realise quite how much this is impacting on the child or quite how much of it there is that's going on so being able to present them with that can be really really helpful so our log is is really helpful for for two things one we can kind of use as evidence to support if we need additional input and two it can help us and our child have a look at how are things going and is there anything that's making things better or worse are there places faces reactions that seem to be kind of improving things or making them worse so we know what to avoid and again when it comes to involving the school here just thinking about those most appropriate adults so we start with the adult that our child identifies and that often is the best and most appropriate adult and they will often escalate within if needed but if your child has tried involving someone and this hasn't had the response that's needed or helping yet and things don't seem to be escalated as necessary when this feels like something that needs to happen then you can be thinking about who else could we be taking this to um and you can use your log to help you with that um but it's okay as long as your child is on board or even if they're not if you think harm is really coming to them but ideally with informed enthusiastic consent of your child to go and speak to an appropriate adult as identified by your school's policies ideally or as identified by you if there's someone who you have a good relationship with in school and say hey look this isn't okay bullying is something that is taken really really seriously but it can't be taken seriously if the school are not aware of what's happening so sometimes our role with our child is to bridge that gap between this thing they're holding that's just all about them where they feel really alone with it and getting the appropriate adults involved so that the next steps can be taken aside from all that what can you do as a parent or carer that are the really important thing you can do give your child time out from being the bullied child lean into the stuff that they love take time completely away from this topic of conversation from this way of feeling do the things that make your child feel good do the things that they are good at and enjoy and that they seek uh kind of self-esteem from that make them feel proud or happy or that they really identify with create space and time for your child to connect with other children outside of school ideally um so that they can have other relationships are much more positive in their life if they do any kind of extracurricular activities or they have friendship circles which are outside of school perhaps through family or external friends or activities and so on lean harder into those networks for now give them spaces where they can be the not bullied kid remind them what it feels like to be the child who is happy who does have good relationships where the good things do happen this can really help a just as a break from all that horrible stuff that's going on but b because as their self-esteem and their confidence get knocked down and eroded by the bullying that might be happening particularly if it's being quite persistent then actually being able to build that back up in other situations and remind them that they are really a great person that people do like that they do have strengths that they are able to overcome challenges and that there are things about them that are great by seeing it through these other lenses can really really help if the only experience they have is again and again and again of the difficult scenario where the bad things are happening then this will become the only way in which they're able to identify because they don't have anything to kind of contradict that so trying to find are the situations where things do feel a bit better both for respite and for rebuilding that sense of confidence and self-esteem it's a really challenging situation to find ourselves in as a parent or carer but as with so many of the different challenges our child might face our child must sit at the heart of this our first role is that of listener our next is that of support we don't necessarily need to do anything sometimes depending on what issues our child is facing sometimes our job is simply to be there to let them tell their story to explore their own solutions and perhaps give a little bit of gentle guidance if we think some of those might work or might not work then our role can become one of advisor if that is helped and then we can become the bridge to enable them to seek further support if they've not succeeded already in doing that for themselves it's so hard for our emotions not to overcome all of this so we need to try really hard to work from a place of calm so find that calm find that control and take all those big feelings that you'll undoubtedly have and channel them into using them as a positive controlled energy to support your child do not take over the situation work with your child in so far as you can walk alongside them plan together problem solve together agree next steps together your child for as long as is possible until you really don't think they're safe needs to know that you're completely on board that you love them you respect them that you're going to support them and you're going to act predictably and consistently in line with what you've said you'll do you right now more than any other time need to be wholly on your child's side they need not to feel even more alone by the fact that you're doing different things than you said you would if you're going to do something that your child is not in agreement with you're going to go and tell someone even though they've asked you begged you not to because you don't think your child is safe if you're going to do that they must know that that's what you're going to do don't do it behind their back okay i feel like i'm telling you off actually you just want to do what's best for your child we all want to do that every day but where we can walk alongside our child where we can and really don't forget that last bit about taking time out from these worries both if you need to do this go and have some fun go and do the things that make you laugh and smile and take you away from all of this for a little while when you do that when you recharge those emotional batteries and you remember what it is to be silly and smile and laugh actually then sometimes we can begin to problem solve our way out of this little bit when we sit constantly overwhelmed by the cage that bullying and that darkness creates it's really hard to see the way out to take time out have fun might seem like an odd suggestion but honestly i never see this suggested anywhere else but i think it is one of the most effective things you can do and it's so important and for what it's worth any time that a child is experiencing any kind of challenge maybe with their mental health maybe with their you know there's lots of academic pressure or whatever's going on in their life that feels big and difficult right now sometimes your job is just to take time out with them go have some fun let them be that other part of themselves let them flourish in the bits of their lives that feel a little bit better right now okay i hope there have been some ideas in here that have felt helpful for you today thank you ever so much for listening in or watching along um if you are finding my work helpful then you can support me by subscribing please subscribe by sharing across your social networks or by word of mouth um or you can support me by heading over to patreon and joining my little community there remembering today's episode was inspired by a patreon i always go to my patreons first for topics that should be covered next or you can go for the super super option if you'd like me to work with you you can invite me to speak at your next event or to come and work with you in your setting either face to face or online all great options all bring me great joy and hopefully you many ideas but until next time over