 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the five clear signs he doesn't love you. Time to walk away. Not the really best subject to talk about but I think it's really important that we do talk about this. Really quickly, if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell. And if any time during this video, the content resonates with you, please do me a favor and hit that like button. All right, we're going to talk about the five clear signs he doesn't love you. So, oh really quickly, one more thing. If you're listening to the replay, I'm going to do the content first then I'm going to go to Q and A. Since this is a live stream, I'm doing the content first and then a Q and A and we'll be taking questions. So I do recommend you stick around because the questions are the juiciest part of this video. But for the next 10 minutes, we're going to talk about the content. So we're going to talk about the five clear signs he doesn't love you and why you might want to consider walking away. Let's first talk about the word love for a second. So to me, the word love, or the words I love you mean, and this is Jonathan Asley's version so you can take this for what it's worth. But to me, the words I love you mean, I'm here, you matter, we are important, I'm not going anywhere. I've got your back and I only want you. Now let me repeat that, I'm here. What that really means is I'm present, not thinking about the future, I'm not thinking about the past, I'm right here, I'm present, I'm here. You matter, that's telling a person that you value them, you respect them, you cherish them, you matter to them. We are important, a relationship is a separate entity. There's a you, there's a me, and then there's a we. A we is a separate entity. This is where a lot of people get hung up on this notion that a we is a separate entity. I'm here, you matter, we're important. I've got your back. That says, like, look, you're going through a hard time, I'm gonna be there for you. I've got your back. When you're going through problems at work, you've got things going on with children, you've got things going on in your life, health issues, whatever it is, I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere. That means I'm committed to the relationship. There's some roots here, and I want you to know I'm not gonna run away, I'm committed to the relationship. And lastly, I only want you. That says I'm passionate and intimately want you. So that's what I love you means to me. So literally by saying this, I hope I've outlined probably an idea of what it should look like or feel like when two people are engaging with the words, the words, I love you, okay? And yet sadly, many people find themselves in a relationship where people aren't present. They're not, they don't respect you. They don't, you know, they're not, they don't see the relationship as a separate entity. They're not fully committed to the relationship. They don't have your back, and there might be some sexual passion, but there's not true intimacy. So that's what we're dealing with. Now what's interesting to me, and so first off, I'm a dating and relationship coach for women. I specialize in midlife, which is after baby making years and before retirement. That's my area of expertise. And most women come to me with a problem in their relationship. Most women that come to me, they're are single and looking for love. That's my, that's like my sweet spot is to help you find those great guys. Or most of the time, they come to me with a problem in the relationship. And they're hoping that I can change the guy. I want you to think about that. I get on the phone with a woman. They tell me about the guy, the guy, the guy. And they're like, how can you change the guy? Jonathan, I'm like, well, I'm not on the phone with him. I'm on the phone with you. But what's so interesting is many times during a coaching session, I will ask a client, if your daughter was in this kind of relationship, what would you do? What would you do? What advice would you give your daughter? And a woman will start to share what the advice they'd give, which is usually walk away and yet they can't do it for themselves. So isn't it fascinating? This is because human beings are suffering from what Buddha says is attachment, attachment. Buddha says, the Buddhist philosophy says, all suffering comes from attachment to an outcome, attachment to an outcome. And this is why so many people are suffering today because many human beings, many human beings give their power away to someone else. We literally are sucking on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself because I don't feel good about myself. So I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I'm here to say, when you start to love yourself, you don't need that from someone else. You can actually join in on partnership with someone else when you begin to do the work of self-love. And if you're not, this is your first time watching my videos. This is my book called, What the Heck is Self-Love Anyway? It's a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. There's the back cover. Personal development, self-help and spiritual work so you can begin that journey of loving on yourself so you don't need someone to love you so you can feel good about yourself. Are you with me? I hope so. And by the way, there's a link to in the description for my book, my recommended books, my podcast and some other things. So this is what we're faced with as human beings. In fact, most people are suffering on the inside. I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable. I'm not likable. So if you've found yourself in one of these situations where you're in a relationship with something that I'm about to share in a moment, I wanna just give you some perspective and ask yourself, if you're giving advice to someone else, I want you to start taking your own advice. Can you do that? And that requires a level of discipline because this whole passing the buck or expecting something easy is so common today, especially here in the United States. We wanna take a pill to lose weight. We wanna go to one, we wanna have one hour coaching session and all our problems are solved. And I'm here to say people will spend more time brushing their teeth every day than working on their stuff. Human beings will spend more time brushing their teeth every day than working on their emotional wellbeing. You'll do your hair, you'll take a shower, you'll brush your teeth, you'll spend more time in self-care for your body than your emotional care, your emotional care. And I'm putting my heart and my head together. That's why it's an invitation to do the work and that's what I'm suggesting for everyone. So let's jump into those five things, five clear signs not into you. Or he doesn't love you and that you should walk away. Okay, number one, he gets defensive at you if you talk about the future. He gets a defensive at you if you start talking about a future together. Now, look it, if this is the first, second or third date, I don't think you should be talking about the future yet as you don't know each other. But if two people have invested a hundred hours of face to face time and they began a regular sexual practice of being together, it is very natural to wanna talk about the idea of building a relationship with someone. And if a person gets defensive or even stonewalls, and stonewall means they just avoid it, okay, if they get defensive or avoid it, that's a clear sign that they're not loving on you, okay? And Bryce said, I'm here, you matter, we're important, I'm not going anywhere, I've got your back and I only want you, okay? So when someone gets defensive or stalls talking about the future, that's not a good sign because men who are genuinely in love progress the relationship forward. They want to progress the relationship forward. That's what love is all about. Now, I should pause for a second and say, I know many of you have been in relationship with men you thought loved you, but what you might have been experience is that they have deep care for you, but not that next level of love. I'm gonna repeat that. Many men can have deep care for another human being, many women can have deep care for another human being, but it takes something more, it takes something more to recognize that we and all the things I share it. So when people say the words I love you so cavalierly, it saddens me, it saddens me. So I'm here to say a good sign that he doesn't love you as he gets defensive if you talk about the future. Number two, he doesn't think about your needs. He doesn't think about your needs. So let me give you an example of something that happened in one of my relationships. This was my most significant relationship after my divorce and while it didn't go the distance, I really learned a lot about myself and I know she learned a lot about herself and because we had a wonderful conscious on coupling we were able to move on without all the angst that most people have in relationship. So there was one time she called me up. It was, I remember, by the way, we lived 30 miles apart from each other and it was a 10 o'clock on a Tuesday and I get a call saying, hey, Jonathan, I've got a radio show today at one o'clock in an area of town I don't feel safe driving in. And before she asked the next, she said anything. I said, do you want me to come pick you up and take you there? I already could tell that she was feeling a little apprehensive about driving in a neighborhood that felt maybe a little unsafe for her and by the way, it wasn't. I mean, there was that fear of it when we actually, and I said, look, do you want me to pick you up and go? And I had work to do that day but I knew it was important to her. So I'm using this as an example but when a man stops caring about your needs and cares about your needs from a protective perspective or that provider protector perspective, that's a clear sign he's on his way out, okay? And that's not showing deep level of love. Now again, I'm not talking about the first, second or third date. I'm talking about people who have began an intimate relationship together and once you've been together 90 days, either relationship is progressing forward or it's flat or it's going backward, okay? But a man who genuinely loves you is going to lean into your feelings and your needs want some desires and a man who's not is going to go the other direction. I know this is rather obvious and yet so many times I'm working with a client and this is a perfect example where a man didn't step into her needs and she's like, well, but how do I change him? How do I change him? I'm here to say you have to work on yourself but this is an example and working on yourself might mean walking away, okay? Number three, oh, he's dismissive of your feeling. He dismisses your feelings. He says your feelings aren't valid and or he avoid your feelings. Let me repeat that. He's dismissive of your feelings or he avoid your feelings or he doesn't validate your feelings. That's a clear sign. A man isn't and by the way, it's really a sign that a man isn't even capable of love. Let me repeat that. A person can have care for another human being but to actually go to that deeper level of love. Many human beings, men and women alike, struggle being open and receptive to love for themselves whether or not being an and and that includes giving it to someone else. So when a man is dismissive of your feelings, it's a pretty good sign. He's not in love with you. And I'm sure this has happened to many of you. I know it's happened to me in my life as well. So it's not just men. This is everything what I'm saying. By the way, let me put a pause. Everything I'm saying here about men, I can say the same thing about women, okay? Women are not the gatekeepers per se of perfect relationships because I can tell you women suck at this process just as much as men. But I'm here, I do want to say if they're dismissive of your feelings, that's not a good sign. Number four, and this is true as men age when I'm about to say becomes more and more prevalent is that he's set in his ways. He's set in his ways. And let me give you an example of how a man could be set in his ways. So he might only spend time with you when it's on his schedule and not on your schedule. I'm gonna repeat that. He might spend time with you on his terms, but not your terms. And I know many of you go, but I love a man who's chivalrous and takes charge and he claims me and he's the leader of the relationship. When a man is set in his ways and he only cares about seeing you or spending time with you on his terms, that's not a true partner. That's not a person that sees the relationship as a we. It's always about me, me, me, me, me, me. So when, and this is what happens as people age, they become set in their ways. So this is a big problem for those men that are in, I think this happens really around age 60. I mean, I'm just picking a timeframe. I'm not saying this is an absolute because men in their 40s are set in their ways. Men in their 20s can be in set in their ways. But certainly by the time a person hits 60 years old, the way they do things is the way they do things. And oftentimes women pretzel themselves for men trying to accommodate a man instead of a choosing a man who says, I want to accommodate you. And when I say accommodate you, I want to lean into your schedule as well as my own. And so this type of man who's set in his ways most likely has weak emotional skills, if none at all, to actually be in a healthy, happy, juicy, delicious relationship. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? It is. Hit that like button, let me know. And the fifth sign. They doesn't love you. This one's actually on you. The fifth sign, when did I write down? Let me put down, let me see what I wrote down. It's about you. You don't feel like he's really into you. If you're doubting the relationship, if you have fear, anxiety, or doubt continually about the relationship, then you're not feeling loved. And if you're constantly, and I'd say constantly, I don't mean the occasional doubt. It's very common to have occasional doubt. It's very human to have insecurities. But if you're constantly on edge, if you're constantly in fear, if you're constant anxiety, if you have constant doubt, then he hasn't created the space for you to feel safe because you're not actually feeling, I'm here, you matter, we're important, I've got your back, I'm not going anywhere, and I only want you. Because when the words I love you get uttered, at least for me, my hope is the next time I genuinely say I love you to a woman, my hope is it's not based on lust or limerence. Let me repeat that. Lust or limerence. Lust says, I wanna fuck your brains out. Oops, I said the F word. That's what lust does, okay? Limerence is extreme infatuation that's usually based on a codependent behavior. When you have extreme infatuation with someone, it's typically based on a obsessive, compulsive, codependent type of behavior when it's an extreme infatuation. Now, I know I've been, and by the way, I've been there. I've been struck by Cupid's arrow, but I recognize that that was an extreme because when you don't know, this is by the way, date one, I was struck by Cupid. But what that was really was unhealthy because I didn't know this person yet. How can I feel extreme infatuation for somebody I don't know yet? It takes about 100 hours of face-to-face time to truly get to know another human being and 100 hours doesn't include sleeping in the same bed for eight hours. I'm talking about talking together face-to-face and doing stuff together. That's how you actually get to know someone at layer one. This is why it cracks me up. How many women I'm talking to that are, I mean, I talked to a woman the other day. She's in a two-year relationship. I said, really great. I go, how often do you see each other? How often you have sex? She goes, I haven't even met the guy yet. I go, yes, you've been in a two-year pen pal relationship with someone, but you haven't been in a relationship where you're doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, doing teamwork, building skills. That's not happening through a virtual relationship. And I'm here to say, is a lot of people say the words, I love you, but they have no capacity to actually give love. And if you've experienced any one of these five signs, then chances are, I'm not saying it as an absolute, chances are it's probably time to walk away. And yet sadly, so many human beings will hold on to an unhealthy relationship. Men tend to nest in a relationship and women tend to fight for a relationship. Let me repeat that. Men tend to nest, basically meaning once they're in, they don't do squat. And women are constantly like, how can I fix it? How can I fix it? How can I fix it? How can I fix it? How can I fix it? And a man's like, I'm not going anywhere, but he's not really investing in the relationship. True love says, I wanna invest in the relationship. This is why I highly recommend reading this book, Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukoff. Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukoff. I highly recommend reading this book. Oh, and then read this book, Mating and Captivity. By the way, by the way, for the record, if this isn't your first time watching my video, but if it is your first time watching one of my videos, I want you to know I recommend pretty much the same books over and over again. I'll starting with some new books, and I have some new books I'm reading right now, but why do I recommend these same books over and over again because I've put together a great tool chest for you to change your life. There's literally six or seven or eight books I recommend repeatedly to change your life. By the way, there's a link in the description that says Jonathan recommends books. So you can start making difference in your life, which will then transform all your relationship lives. And I will say lives. I didn't mean it that way, but I think you get the gist of it. So interesting. I just finished up with a coaching client who just finished one of my six week boot camps. And she said to me, Jonathan, I can't believe this wasn't about me understanding men, this was really about me understanding myself. I can't begin to tell you how much value I got out of this experience working with you. And now I feel much better prepared to fall in love because now I know how to choose the right guy instead of doing what the definition of insanity is, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So if you're looking for a new way of doing things, check out a link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. All right, I think this is a great time to start our Q and A. So if you have a question, post the word question, then write the question, we'll go through that. Purchase a super sticker or a super chat and post the question in there. Okay, and by the way, all the money I get from super chats and super stickers is helping me build a foundation for my son Connor who passed away. That's a picture of Connor right there and that's a picture of him right there. For those who don't know, I lost my 19 year old son a few years ago. To an accident and my goal is to actually build a foundation so all the super chat money goes to that. But don't give me some big sum, okay? Just keep it small, okay? Because YouTube gets a chunk of it. Anyway, if you wanna purchase that to post a question, that helps as well. Okay, let's see if we've got some questions here. All right, if you write the word question, here we go, Leanne wrote a question. Leanne Marks, Linnae, oh God. Linnae Marks, God, I am terrible, folks. I am so terrible with names. Please forgive me. Okay, question, he has become conflicted and rang me this morning and dumped me because he told me the kids he was leaving because, wait, let me read this again slowly. He has become conflicted and rang me this morning and dumped me because he told the kids he was leaving and they were crying. This is the third time has done to me. Okay, so when someone writes a question, actually pose what the question is. So what you've done here, by the way, this is a perfect example. I wanna illustrate something, ladies. A question usually ends with a question mark. So what you've done here, Linnae, Linnae, excuse me, Linnae, is you've given me a statement. Now I can address the statement, but I guess what I wanna know is what do you want to know? Now from what I'm reading from this is that seems like a very passive aggressive type of behavior or a very unkind, unloving behavior. So I can definitely understand that's what he's done in this done third time. The question is what are you gonna do for yourself? That's the really most important question every single time any one of you is faced with a problem. Ladies, stop focusing on what the guy should do. I wanna invite you to tell me what are you willing to do for yourself? I'm gonna repeat that. What are you willing to do for yourself based on what you've just shared? That's, and then there's a conversation that can happen based on what you share. So that's my invitation for you based on that question. I hope that helps, but that's my interpretation of that one. All right, let's go above here. Okay, here we have a question from Joy. If the relationship is new and he keeps leaving it up to me to say when I'm free, stay or go, he's the man. Should he ask? No, okay. All right, ladies, basically, I'm gonna make up some percentages here just to illustrate a point. 20% of men are ridiculously controlling. So they're gonna want everything their way. Memorize it about the men set in their ways. I'm making up the percentage just to illustrate a point. 20% are ridiculously controlling. Another 20% men do take charge, okay? Then there's another 20% of men that are kind of even keel. They wanna hear what you have to say and they're willing to inject as well. And then there's another 20% of men who actually appreciate when a woman takes a little bit of leadership. Doesn't necessarily make these guys bad. It doesn't make them bait or anything. They just like that the woman takes charge. And then there's another 20% of men who are absolutely kind of spitting. Absolutely passive beta and they're afraid of their own shadow. So remember I said there's the controlling on one end then there's the beta passive afraid of their own shadow on the other end. Most everybody's somewhere in between. So going back to this question, Joy, my question for you is what do you wanna do about this? In fact, that'll probably be the theme of this live today is to come back to you and say what do you wanna do about this, okay? I'm here to say you can certainly, by the way, I like the thing when women have more control in the relationship I think they have a better experience. Just like my mom and my dad and I've joked about this before and my father was not a passive human being. In fact, he was probably more the leader but my mom was in charge of the relationship. She made, she set the tone. And my dad said, okay, because he believed happy wife, happy life. I'm not subscribing to that but that's just the way he subscribed to it. I'm a believer of co-creating a relationship to do a relationship on a two lane street on a two lane street. This is why I highly recommend reading this book. If the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated it takes out the gender expectations. It takes out the gender, the societal and gender crap that sets us up for failure in relationship. If you wanna change your life and really explore a spiritual relationship then read if the Buddha dated. I hope that helps you, Joy. Okay. The Yashina, blah, blah, blah, sorry. I'm sorry about your new name. Lady, stop looking for someone else and focus on yourself. Give to yourself and you'll be surprised how much happier you'll be. I've been single now for over a year and so much happier, not being abused. Okay. I am a full believer of doing inner work to heal on oneself. That's why I wrote the book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? Now, I do believe that a person can be happy and they can be single at the same time. I think what concerns me about what's written here is sometimes people operate, I'm happy being single. I'm happy being single. I think there's a big difference between saying I'm happy and I'm single versus I'm happy being single. Now, listen, I'm not here to judge. People can choose not to choose romantic relationships but I'm, look it, I'm a sucker for love. Why am I so passionate about what I do because I'm actually a junkie for love. I'm a junkie for love. And so, and what I mean by that is romantic love. I mean, within reason I'm a junkie for it but why I'm sharing this with you and why I think this is so important is I'm a believer that we should be mated. I do believe that. Not everyone has to be that. That's just my belief. But I wanna just caution people, anyone that operates I'm happier being single versus I'm happy and I happen to be single. That's just my interpretation of this one. I hope it helped. All right, let's keep going here. By the way, I wanna say hi to Shannon and Bridge and Leif and Carolyn. This topic is pretty heated here right now, Jonathan. It's like you were listening, thank you. I'm not paying attention to the chat box but again, if you have a question, post the word question and then write the question after. So let's scroll through here again and I'll get to Kelly's question in a second. All right, Colleen writes, how do I work through the anger that sometimes grips me as I move on? So my area of expertise is not anger management. My area of expertise is to ask myself, whenever I'm struggling with something. First, whenever I'm struggling with something, the first thing I do is the Hawaiian forgiveness prayer. The Hawaiian forgiveness prayer, also known as the hapono, ponopono, ponopono. And the forgiveness prayer goes like this, I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you. I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you. I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you. Forgiveness simply means forgiving love, forgiving love and the most important person to give love to is to oneself. It's like a, I always say in my podcast, it's like a B12 shot, it's a shot of L12 for love, okay? So then whenever I'm faced with a problem, and believe me, I get plenty of them and I wanna share one in particular, I ask myself what would love do? So let me give you an example. I will tell you that I would say, I may be one out of every 20 people who comment on one of my YouTube videos will write an angry response towards me. And let me reframe that, a nasty response directed at me. Now I'll be candid with you, you see this skin here? This skin is rather thin, I'm a recovering codependent, I'm a recovering people pleaser, and I'm a recovering, I have to be liked by everybody. So I have very thin skin and it's very challenging for me to get criticism because it actually activates the little kid inside of me that doesn't think I'm good enough, I'm lovable, I'm not likable, and worst of all, it triggers my I'm not smart wound. Now, I recognize that when someone writes a nasty response towards me, my first reaction is to get angry. That's my first reaction to go like flip them off and tell them off, okay? What I do now is I first get defensive and angry for about one minute, and then I ask myself, what would love do? How would love respond? I'm gonna repeat that, what would love do? How would love respond? And that's my invitation for you, is to do forgiveness and then ask yourself what would love do, how would love respond? By the way, folks in the description below, I have a podcast called What Would Love Do? podcast where we explore life, love, and the pursuit of inner peace through the eyes of love. My invitation, by the way, I do the same titles that I do on YouTube, but then I turn it into the love piece, and that's my invitation for you. At least that's what I do, and if you're not ready for it, then take a baseball bat, go into the bedroom, grab a pillow, beat the shit out of the pillow for a while, let that anger out, let the rage out, let it, you know, do an emotional release work and then try what would love do and how would love respond. Colleen, I hope that helps. Okay, question. You heard from Doug in Atlanta lately, ha ha. I have a re-evening, Jonathan, and thanks so much for what you do. Thanks, Kim, I appreciate that. No, I haven't heard from Doug. All right, he was on last Monday night, so he'll probably show up a little bit later. All right, Grace writes, question, I can feel when my crush comes in and out of my vortex, how can I prevent this tug of war of him coming and going? I keep as busy as possible, but he's in and out a lot. Help. Okay, so a crush, I just wanna understand something. So to me, a crush is you like someone, that you don't know what they like you, or it could also mean unrequited love. So meaning you have a fascination or an infatuation or a fascination or infatuation for another human being. So my invitation for you, Grace, I wanna invite you to do one of the advice I suggested before. If this was your daughter that was dealing with this, if you had a daughter or a son, what advice would you give them? I wanna invite you to empower yourself and say, how can I resolve this? Because this is all inside of you, it has nothing to do with them. So why not come up with your own solution and tell me what you come up with? I'd like to hear about it. What advice would you give someone else, okay? Because this is really all on you. This is the little child in you that says, I wanna be loved, I wanna be loved, I wanna be loved, but that's a child operating. I want you to lean into your adult, okay? I want you to lean into your adult. And if you're not familiar with being an adult, I recommend reading this book, How to Be an Adult in Relationships. And lean into your adult and ask what would should your adult do? That's what I recommend on that one. I hope that helps. All right, Carol. Hey, Carol. So if you're dating men 60 or older, how do you find ones that are not set in their ways? It's definitely an issue dating in middle age. Yes, it is. But this is why I'm such a big proponent. Like I won't date a woman unless I know they've done, listen, let me pause here for a second. I believe most people are fucked up. It's just a matter of degrees, okay? You've got Gandhi and Mother Teresa on one end of the spectrum and you've got Jeffrey Dahmer and Lizzie Borden on the other end of the spectrum. Most everybody is in between. And I believe most people do very little emotional healing on their emotional wounds and traumas, okay? That's just what I believe. So for me, dating, I'm only interested in a woman who's either done personal development work or has done therapy or is doing, actually still actively doing personal development work, self-help and spiritual work or doing therapy. Otherwise, I just don't have the bandwidth to wait for them to catch up where I'm at in my life. So that's just me. So going back to your question, I would try to focus on men that have done some therapy and I don't mean they went to a therapist because they went there during a divorce. I mean, they're actually actively working on healing themselves or at least doing some personal development, self-help work because if they're not, most likely, they're very set in their ways. And so then ultimately, you've got to choose the guy who's the least fucked up because if he had significant trauma in his life that's unhealed or he had adult traumas that's unhealed, it's gonna bleed into your relationship. So yeah, you might want to find Ozzie from Ozzie and the Harriet, which I get the suspicion he was emotionally healthy, but that's because you got to find out what trauma that they had and see if they've healed. That's the only way you're gonna get there and that's what I teach, how to ask the right questions in my private coaching. So anyone who needs support on that, check out the link to a free discovery call but that's what my private coaching program is all about is to teach you how to ask the better questions. So that's my invitation for you, Carol. I hope that helped. Rosie writes, how does a man show that he's afraid of falling in love with? How does a man show that he's afraid of falling in love when they have a woman who can actually see themselves being in a long term? Is it fear, avoidance, hot or cold? Well, I'm a little tripped up on this question, Rosie. How does he show he's afraid? Well, here, did you read? He's defensive, he doesn't care about your feelings, he dismisses your feelings, he's set in his ways and you feel uncomfortable. That's how it shows up, okay? Most of the time, everything is centered, folks, everything is centered around fear, but not everything. Everything is, well, fear is the base root of all of our dysfunction, not feeling safe and it manifests itself in either victim consciousness or entitled righteous behavior. Let me repeat that, it operates in victim consciousness or righteous, entitled behavior. Okay, righteous, entitled behavior is, it's my way or the highway, that's that righteous behavior. Victim consciousness is, they're always blaming someone else for their problems. So that's how it shows up. Most everything is based on fear. So ultimately, if you wanna be in a relationship where someone says, I love you and they mean, I'm here, you're matter, we're important, I've got your back, I'm not going anywhere and I only want you, then it's gonna be based on his behavior. Does his actions match his words? Does he take personal responsibility for his choices? Does he know how to fight fair? Does he have empathy? And lastly, is he transparent with his feelings if they're material to the relationship? Those are some of the clues that he's capable of going deeper. And if not, then chances are, it's gonna be a dysfunctional relationship and you'll be unhappy and you'll need therapy and that's no fun. Much Dutch, I'm a hopeless romantic. Much Dutch, I'm a hopeful romantic. Hopeful, not hopeless, just offering you a perspective. All right, question. Hey Kelly, how you doing? If a guy doesn't ask you a question about your day or even your life or family or personal history, does that mean he's not truly interested in you from a heart-centered level? That's interesting because she added a heart-centered level. The answer is yes, from a heart-centered level. The only time in the beginning stages of dating, in the beginning stages of dating, it's very uncomfortable because most of the time today we're meeting strangers. I'm gonna repeat that. Most of the time we're meeting strangers. The reality is 90% of most first dates that are happening these days is happening with a total stranger. You know nothing about them. You barely know anything about them and that includes people that are Facebook friends. You barely know anything about them and when we don't know about a person, we don't feel safe to be vulnerable. I'm gonna repeat that. We don't feel safe to be vulnerable and this is one of the challenges in the beginning stages of dating is people are afraid. Men are afraid, women are afraid to open up because, look it, I've been divorced. I was in a significant relationship then work out. I had a bunch of dates that never went or short-lived relationships. Human beings can become very gun-shy opening up their heart. Women, you know this better than anyone. These days almost any, when I'm dating, I'm just gonna share with you my experience. I can tell you, I feel a wall from almost every woman. I meet for the first time, they're walled up. This is why it's so, by the way, ladies, I just wanna share something on a side note. I'm gonna do a rabbit here for a second. I get so many of you going, Jonathan, how come you're single? You look like you've got it together. You must have women falling all over you. Well, first off, I don't know any of these women who are falling all over me if they are. I mean, I know people have expressed they like me but here's the thing. Someone who's watched 10, 20, 30 hours worth of my videos feels like they know me. And on some level, this is my true personality. What you see is what you get. I mean, I'm no BS. Am I right? If people tell me, Jonathan, I love your work because you're no BS. So they feel like they know me. But when I go on a first date with someone, it's most likely a stranger. Someone who doesn't know me, it's the wall up. And I'm not here to, I'm not going to climb to the tallest, the highest room in the tallest tower. And men don't want to do that. Women don't want to do that. And this is one of the reasons why people struggle connecting with one another because it takes time to truly get to know one another. But we have to do the rules and men are supposed to be chivalrous and all a woman has to do is lean back into her feminine energy and he's going to claim you. By the way, I know many of you laugh now that I say that this way. This whole feminine energy leaning back doesn't work because when we're dealing with dysfunctionality, the worst thing you should do is lean back and be in your feminine. It's really about being demonstrative, effusive, intentional, and that's not masculine or feminine. That's called just being a smart human being. This is why I encourage women to be empowered and not passive in the relationship. This is why I really knock a lot of that other advice because it's passive. And by the way, self-love isn't passive. I'm here to say self-love is the most empowering thing to do but don't expect just loving yourself. A guy is just gonna magically run to your vagina because you pulled away and you're in your feminine. That's not how it works because human beings are rather fucked up. I mean, it just, it is. This is why it's better to date someone who's done some work on themselves, done some personal development, self-help, and spiritual work. This is why I recommend to everybody to do the Hoffman process, to do the Hoffman process. It's a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and trauma specifically with your parents to forgive the pain. And let me tell you something. When I did this eight days deep dive into it, I walked away with a blanket of self-love, a blanket of self-love. I felt wrapped in love. It's funny, I was talking to a friend today about her relationship. She's in a three-year relationship. This is a woman I met on match.com. We had a first date. It was not a love connection but somehow we just became friends and we talked on the phone almost four times a week for the last 16 years. She's one of my dearest friends and she said to me, she goes, Jonathan, I can't believe how far you've come in the last 16 years. But she said in particular, the big shift happened after I did the Hoffman process in 2017 and I can tell you, I walked away knowing what it feels like to love myself. And that's my invitation for everybody. If you do this work, and by the way, the reason why I love Hoffman is because you do eight days, 12 hour a day, deep dive into your shit. That's 96 hours of stuff. Imagine going to therapy once a week, 96 weeks to do what I did in a week. No telephones, no TVs, no talking to friends, working on my stuff. I encourage everybody. That's my invitation for everybody because this isn't about whether a man loves you or not, what matters most is you love yourself. And the most important relationship you're ever gonna have is the relationship you have with yourself. That's the most important relationship. And like Esther Perel says, is the quality of our life is dependent upon the quality of our relationships and that starts with the relationship with self. So going back to your original question, Kelly. If the guy doesn't ask questions and whatnot from a heart centered level, probably not your guy. But then again, most everybody is a stranger. So I just wanna remind you that love and compassion carries a lot more weight than judgment and comparisons. At least that's my invitation. Kelly, thank you so much for that question. Big hugs to you, sweetheart. All right. Kelly's in my, Kelly's a Facebook friend so I know her, she is kind enough to jump on these calls. Frida writes, do you think long distance relationship works 80 miles, especially if he's 56 retired, set in his ways, only saw him on weekends? So I'm gonna pull out my trusty book by Barbara DeAngelis. Are you the right one for me? Let's pull out this book. And she has, oh, it's called commitment time bombs. Bear with me. Oh, I can't find it. Okay, she calls them commitment time bombs and she specifically talks about long distance relationships. So long distance and 80 miles is a long distance relationship. Okay, couple of things. First off, oftentimes it's concentrated time together which is a bubble and a lot of great sex. And then you're apart for a period of time and you're not dealing with day to day life. Number one, number two, you're not seeing him or her in their day to day life. So you can't see how they operate in their day to day life. Number three, most people enter into a long distance relationship without a plan on how to make it from long distance to actually being together. That's another challenge. So long distance relationships are inherently, by the way, a close lived relationship is inherently challenging and long distance, all it does is prolong, be inevitable. If you don't work on your stuff early, this is why if you get into a long distance relationship, anybody, I highly recommend reading the book, Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman, okay? Because this is a book that teaches you the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. And before the penis ever goes inside the vagina ladies, you should start reading this book and understand the mechanics to a relationship. Understand the mechanics to a relationship because if you don't, you're rolling the dice because the vast majority of men are winging it. They're winging it. They have no clue, the vast majority. And you don't either because you're choosing men that are winging it. So if they're winging it, you're winging it because you're expecting them to leave because you're expecting them to be chivalrous and playing you because you're just sitting in your feminine energy. I'm just cracking myself up. Frida, I hope I asked your question. So long distance, kind of a challenge, especially if he's retired, set in his ways and you only see him on weekends. It just is. So what's the definition of insanity? Hoping magic fairy dust is gonna change your outcome. So why don't you change your outcome by learning how to understand how a healthy, happy relationship works? That's my invitation for you. All right, let's see. Claire, I love when you lean back. Thank you. All right, Jonathan. You are a relationship person. I'm following right now. Thank you. Thank you, Jane. Is anyone getting buffering three times already for length of time? I'm sorry, is my video not working properly? Is the audio off? Please let me know. I'm sorry about that. Okay. All right, question. Oh, from Grace again. I'm not passive lady. I'm not afraid to be myself. I truly love me and have not slept with any of these men. Why do men run from celibacy and not give the relationship more time? That's a great question. Why do men run from celibacy? Why don't they get more time? Because we're biologically driven to have sex. Let's get real. Grace, let me ask you a question. What's the one thing on a man's mind on a first date? Bum, bum, bum. Can I get laid? That's what's on the most men's mind, okay? We're not walking around going, I wanna be in a relationship. I wanna be in a relationship. I mean, guys don't dance like that, okay? Now, I wanna be in a relationship and I'm crystal clear on that and there are plenty of men like me, not all men are like me, but I still wanna get laid on a first date. I'm a guy. So why do guys do that? And why don't guys wait? Okay, that's another question. Now, many people who have a religious background, certainly Christians, many people will wait for marriage to be intimate with their partner. So there are plenty of men that do that. I certainly would probably choose men who already operate that way, if that's what you want. But the question why? By the way, I'm a human being. I want sex. Do I want sex on a first date? Do I want it? Yes. Do I expect it? But do I want it? Yeah, I'm human. So just understand that's human. So the question is what would love do? Love understands that's the way some human operates. There's no need to judge it. It's just what is. What's most important is you asking better questions in the beginning because you said you're a smart, strong, confident, non-passive woman. So just ask those questions in the beginning and choose someone who's aligned to who you are and what you want. By the way, my Moscow Mule for everyone, not for everyone, it's mine. All right, let's see. Self-picture, right? How to get over a relationship with a younger man. I'm 34, he's 24. Great potential. We're dating for six months and I'm done. But I miss out time because he was the best man I've ever had. Well, we're dating for six months and I'm done. And I'm done. So you contradict yourself. I'm done, but then you miss him. So which is it? Here's my belief. By the way, I know lots of people that were in their 40s, women who were 41 dated men, married men that were 25. I know plenty of relationships where the age gap could be as much as 19 years. So there's nothing wrong with dating someone younger. It just requires being on the same page. That's all. So, but you seem done and I'm sorry that that happened. And I don't know the details of it, but I just want you to know there's nothing wrong with a younger person. Either way. Okay. Kate writes, I read the book a long time ago. One of my favorite activities was reading and writing and want ad for a relationship. Her examples were awesome. Using codependency and unhealthy habits. I think you're talking about this book. Great book. Are you the one for me? So thank you. I agree. Hold on a second. Eva writes, yay, feminine energy doesn't work. By the way, folks, feminine energy is simply, okay, masculine is doing, feminine is receiving. To be a healthy human being, you should be both a giver and a receiver. Let me repeat that, a giver and receiver. So this is why a lot of you get tricked up because you're told to just be in your feminine energy and just, you know, look at this is like a vagina, right? It receives the penis, okay? I get it. But in a relationship, it's a two lane street. You're both giving and receiving, receiving and giving, giving and receiving. That's why if you really want to change this stupid fucking narrative about men and women, read this book. If the Buddha dated, I swear to you, it will change your life and you will actually find out that you will appreciate men so much better and men will appreciate women so much better if we take out the stupid gender rhetoric, especially with this rhetoric around masculine and feminine energy because a healthy human being is a combination of both. I'm capable to give and I'm capable to receive or maybe I'm capable to give and I'm capable to receive. I like that better. I'm capable to give and I'm capable to receive and I wanna be with a woman who's capable of giving and capable of receiving because that's what makes a juicy, delicious, healthy relationship is when two people can give and receive together. It's not men doing all the work. This is why ladies, you've given your power away to men. You are in charge of your relationship destiny. And this is why I continually say you are more the emotional leaders of the relationship because we'll take our cues from you but you're listening to stupid books like this. The rules. It's stupid reverse psychology bullshit that's caused most of you to have terrible relationships. Stop reading this book and start reading this book. Making Love All The Time by Barbara DeAngeles. If you wanna change your life, if you wanna change your love life right now, get this book right after you finish reading at the Buddha data, after you finish reading my book and yes, I'm a fucking infomercial for books. Why? By the way, if you buy from my link below, I make one penny a book. Okay, I've got an affiliate link. I make a penny or two a book. It's not like I'm making a boatload of money. I make $36 last month on book sales, on the books I recommended. Why am I doing this? I'm not trying to sell you on some $10,000 you know, video program I created because you can learn everything you need to learn in one year reading a dozen books and reading one book a month in one year, you can change your life. If you're not willing to invest one year to change your life by reading these books, then you have no business being in relationship because you're just gonna be doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. I scream at the top of my lungs and I curse and I use some vulgarity just to get to wake people up. Plus I'd like to think it's a little bit entertaining as well. I laugh at myself all the time when I shoot these videos. By the way, there's another book I highly recommend. You wanna change your life, read Mary Ann Williamson's book, Return to Love. Oh my God, she is fantastic. And by the way, you can watch videos. You don't have to read the books. You can get audios, you can get Kindle. You can change your life. And that's my invitation for every one of you. Because this isn't about whether or not a man loves you. It matters more that you love yourself. And sadly, women in particular give their power away to men. Part of it is because we've been set up traditionally from a patriarchal society that men are the leaders of the relationship and they can do whatever they want and you have to be subservient. And I'm here to say, fuck that bullshit. You do not have to be subservient to a man. I want you to be an empowered individual stepping into your empowerment. But it starts by working on yourself. This is why I recommend these books over and over again and why not the books like The Rules and Others. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please hit that like button and let me know. All right. Oh, okay. A writes, what do you think about a guy who doesn't address his girlfriend by name in two months or daily dating and planning a future together? What do I think about a guy? So this is an interesting question. So some people have a hard time saying a person's name in relationship. I was in a relationship with a woman. She called me sweetheart. She called me babe, but she rarely called me by my name. And I noticed that right from the beginning and I picked up on that. Now some people just have a hard time and they just have a natural affinity to say, sweetheart, babe, that sort of things. Some people are wired that way. But if a person isn't capable of saying their name, it's possible that they had a trauma in their life associated with their own name. They had a trauma in their life associated with their own name. In fact, every one of us, I bet you as I'm about to share, you can relate to what I'm about to say. But growing up, how many times did you hear your name? Jonathan, from your parents and that tone, that word just cringed. You cringed because you thought you did something wrong or when you get a phone call out of a blue from someone, we feel, I mean, not out of the blue, but like when my son calls me, I'm like, what's wrong? When a friend calls me, what's wrong? We have a natural affinity to that. For some people, when they hear their own name, that's how they feel. So it's difficult for them to lean into someone's name. That's just one perspective. Now, as far as not planning a future together, look, the first 90 days of dating, that's not the time to plan a future. In fact, I wouldn't talk about the future, but if you've gotten into about nine months into the relationship and it isn't progressing to some sort of roots, some sort of roots to long-term commitment, that can be problematic. And that's because most people are actually afraid of love. Men and women alike are afraid of deeper intimacy. So they're, hold on, I gotta take a drink. They're capable of doing, some people are capable of just desiring connection and sex, but they're incapable of going to deeper intimacy. I'll repeat that they're incapable of going to deeper intimacy because a relationship comes with a fair amount of emotional responsibility. And this is where I know I had this happen to me. I dated a woman, connection, sex, but I couldn't go the next level because I couldn't emotionally go the next level. It took a lot of work. It took all this work that I've talked about for me to be, and I only am sharing my perspective just as a backdrop to give you some context. Is it took me a lot of day to day to day to day work to be open and receptive to love? And I had a fairly average childhood with its fair share of traumas and issues. I had a fair share of adult traumas and issues, pretty much average, and I'm pretty fucked up. I've got issues. You know, it's interesting to me, I'm gonna show you a picture of an iceberg. A lot of you see the surface of a human being, but until you know this part of who they are, you're only dealing with the top portion. And this is where a lot of people get tripped up because they get amped up on chemistry. Oh my God, we have so much chemistry, or you're amped up on attachment or the amago. And if you're not familiar with these two books, I highly recommend checking out Attached and Getting the Love You Want by Amir Levine. A lot of people think they're in love when they're simply in attachment or reliving a childhood trauma through a person. So I hope by bringing this to your attention over and over again in these videos, I basically have the same narrative to basically invite you to do work on yourself because as I said before, it's not about whether or not a man loves you, what matters most is you love yourself. That you love yourself. Can you make that deal for me? Do me a favor, post a comment, say I'm gonna focus on my self love and I'm gonna choose a partner who does the same. Let me repeat that, I'm gonna, and by the way, self love simply means, here, I wanna read you a chapter in my book, okay? Just really quickly. This is what's called a note on the title of my book. It says, if you're like me, you might have turned out or rejected the idea whenever you hear someone say you have to love yourself and you might even say, what the heck does that mean? Unfortunately, loving yourself can be so foreign of a concept and yet it might also be the very thing that changes your life for the better. Self love is our capacity to feed our spirit, to fill our love cup, to fill our inner peace. We just need to tap into it, but how? How the heck do we do that? Because self love is simply another way of saying self worth, self confidence, self esteem. So my invitation for all of you is to work on yourself, to do the work because when, and by the way, you can do this while you're in relationship too, that's okay. And hopefully you choose a partner who's doing personal development, self help and spiritual work on themself because if you're doing it together, you have a much better chance of having a successful relationship. And people who have wounds and traumas that are unhealed oftentimes are very problematic in being a relationship. And this is one of the reasons why 80% of relationships fail. 80% of relationships fail because they are not working on themselves. So instead of focusing on brushing your teeth, getting a shower, putting makeup on, how about spending a half hour a day to nurture your soul, your spirit, your inner self because that's what's gonna change your life and that's my invitation for everyone. Okay, I wanna repeat the five clear signs he doesn't love you. He gets defensive at you if you talk about the future. He doesn't think about your needs. He dismisses your feelings. He's set in his ways. And lastly, if you're feeling doubt in the relationship, constant doubt that he's not into you, then there's a good chance that he doesn't love you. And remember, in my world, I love you means I'm here. You matter. We're important. I've got your back, I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. I hope you found value in this video. If you did, please do me a favor, refer my channel to your friends, send this out to everyone, hit that like button. And I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan Bear hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone or a pet or a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch and wishing you a super duper wonderful evening. Bye-bye now. And I wanna say goodbye to everyone that's on the chat. Sarah, Kate, Frida, Much Dutch, Joy, Tina Lee, Sharon Hacker, Keza, Raquel, Grace, Kelly, Olada, Bridge, Vlan, Sharon. Thank you all so much for being on. I hope you have a fantastic evening. Bye-bye now.