 You can now follow me on all my social media platforms to find out who my latest guest will be and don't forget to click the subscribe button and the notifications bell so you are notified for when my next podcast goes live. Someone in their family sexually assaulted me from the time I was like 7 years old for like 10 years. I actually started therapy a few years ago because I thought is the whole reason that I do this job because I'm like so messed up that I think that it's morally okay. And yeah like every other man I feel has just like let me down and now I'm like if someone offered me 3 million to have sex with me I'd be like no fuck off like if it's a five digit month it's a bad month. Boom we're on and today's guest I've got Emily Black. Emily, how are you? Sorry my hands are cold. That's okay. Good to see you. Yes good to see you too. Content creator. Yes. Only fans. Yes. Only fans is the main one. Only fans is the main one. We're very popular on TikTok nearly 2 million followers. Thank you. And Instagram. Yeah. Seeing a lot of your videos are funny. Thank you. But before we get into all the madness. Yes. I always like to go back to the start of my guests. Where you grew up. How it all began. So I grew up in like the centre of England like in Derbyshire. So like in a little like village like farm town kind of thing. And I always like wanted to not do a nine to five. Nine to five has never been for me. I just it just I don't understand how anyone could want to work from Monday to Friday and the only thing they look forward to is the weekend and then just to do it all and it just seems like depressing. And then you know when I was 18 I went to uni and I had absolutely no money. I was in loads of debt and my friend was posting a Chinese every night. And I was like, I don't understand how you make that. Like how can you afford a Chinese every night? It's like a luxury. And then she told me she was a stripper. So I was like, I was freshly 18 and I was like, sign me up. I'll go and do it. And I actually had a boyfriend at the time. And he was like, no, you'll be so good. It's be so good for your confidence. I was like, okay. And I went there and I was really good. Right. And yeah. And then I stopped that went into coming for a bit. And then only fans as the summed up. How were you at school? I was at school. My mum was actually my teacher. So I was quite good. I moved from one school because I was bullied. I was really ugly. I was so ugly. Like I think I probably would have bullied me too. But yeah, I was fine. Like I tried really hard. I got good grades. And then... How bad was the bullying? It wasn't awful. I think other people had it worse, but like it was bad enough that like I moved schools. Even though your mum was a teacher. So I moved to the school where my mum was a teacher. Did that make things harder? No, it actually made it so much easier. Because I've always been quite introverted. So I like lunch times and stuff. I'd just go in and have a cup of tea with her. I was proper like... Lona? Yeah. Well, I had like a little group of friends, but we were all just like the strange people rather than like the popular ones. Where was mum and dad? Or they split up when I was like four, I think. And I had a step dad. And I think my dad cheated on my mum, because after my step mum died, my dad gave me all of her stuff and there was a diary. I don't know if that's like really bad, but I read it. And yeah, it was all about like their relationship. And I was like, you're with my mum then. But yeah. So how... See, when you go through the bullying and stuff, because it's a weird connection with the porn stars I've interviewed and all the only fans get, oh, there is that daddy. Can you understand the daddy connection? Is that a thing? Do you see that? I don't know if I play on it a little bit, to be honest. I feel like I'm quite a well-rounded person, but there obviously is some depth of not having the bucket filled in the right places. Do you know what I mean? That's a really bad metaphor, but obviously I think every single one of the males in my life are not a good influence. How do you think that is? I don't know. I think my stepdad is now, but I had two brothers who are older than me and they were not very good. Jo and people say they have big brothers and it's like, oh, I won't mess with you then. My big brothers were, they were not it. They could not do anything. Every other man, I feel, has just let me down in some way. How does that affect you, no? I don't know. I think it definitely does affect the way I perceive men and work. I actually went through a really difficult phase of thinking, I actually started therapy a few years ago because I thought, is the whole reason that I do this job because I'm so messed up that I think that it's morally okay and it's not and I shouldn't actually want any of this and it's not empowering. I went through this whole massive thing and then I kind of like talked myself out of it and became okay with it again because I was like, no, like I am proud of myself, but I think the initial fear of that was there. What was the main reason why you went to therapy? It was actually because at the start of lockdown, basically my family's best friend's family, so my family and this other family were like best friends. We grew up together. They were like someone in their family, sexually assaulted me from the time I was like seven years old for like 10 years and someone in their family basically just asked me outright and was like, oh, I found this. What's that about? And I was like, and obviously I had not spoken to anyone about it for the whole of my life and yeah, so that's the reason I started going because just out of this blue, this thing that I've been holding inside was like seven just randomly came out. Who was that? It was a family friend. For seven years old, how long did that last? Ten years, yeah. Did you suppress all that, hide from it? Yeah, I just completely ignored it and I was like still friends with them because in my head, I was like, oh, what if I say anything? No one's going to believe me and I actually, I had Stockholm syndrome for quite a while so I was just like, no, he just loves me. Like this is just normal and Joe and like you're a kid and everyone goes, oh, I like your childhood sweethearts. You're almost like encourages you that that behavior is normal even though they don't know what's going on behind the scenes. And yeah, it just got worse, I guess until I got to a point, I just don't... You're being groomed. Yeah. How old was he? He was a few years older. I think he was four years older than me. Start fucking pedophil. Yeah, because I'm pretty sure his taste hasn't changed. So I think I'll actually be too old for him now like even though he's with age at the same time I think he would still look at... What sort of stuff was he doing? Oh, like the full mile. Yeah. From seven? Yeah, yeah. And nothing new? No. No one now? No one? No family members? I actually told my mum one time but like she just went... I can't even remember what she said but I think she just blew it off because she thought, oh, kids say funny things. Do you know what I mean? Like if your kid says that to you like you would take it seriously but you don't expect them to even know what it is. I hadn't even had my sex education lesson yet and you get your first one in year two. Like I just... It just wasn't a thing in my head. Do you hold anything against your mum for that? I was angry at her for a long time but I have a really good relationship with my mum, so... Because I had a woman called Dela Wright. Amazing woman. Six years old, she was getting sexual abuse. That guy was babysitting. And again, it's that where it's the Stockholm sounds with my big women. Yeah. We used to take a dance around all that shit and the telltale signs were there but the mum and dad was non-existent. But my daughter's never had sleepovers. I'm a very protective man because I've spoken to a number of people who know how fucking dark it is out there. I would not let my kid talk to me like this. So how did you get through that then? Has he ever been charged? I've never said it. Even since that came out, I've never been to police. I can't get myself to go to the police. So I spent a while going... I was still family friends with them and went because it was his mum who asked me and I was like... I was like, oh, and I didn't know what to say. I was in his house. I'd completely put it to the back of my mind and I was in his house and his mum just... He was upstairs and his mum was like, I found this. And I was like, how did you find that? Because it was like messages from 2016 on an old Facebook account of him trying to message me and even like, I don't want this. Stop it, please. And I was like, no, you've been looking for something because he's been accused of this before kind of thing. And yeah, I found it really difficult. This was in lockdown one, the first year of it, that this all came out again. And I was going back to a house every week or so. I hadn't told anyone else and I was just saying I just want him to get help. I want him to go to a therapist. I don't want to do anything. I think I was still scared that he wouldn't like me because I think that's how Stocking Syndrome works. And then I kept asking to know how therapy was going just so that I could know that he was going because I was starting to have all these thoughts of he's just allowed out on the streets and he's going to do it to other girls and who he's going to do it to. And I had a party once and all my friends who are my age at the time, we're in year eight would all come up to me and be like, oh, he's just locked me in a bathroom. He's been really creepy with me. Like who is he? And I was like, I don't know. And yeah, I was having a lot of very intrusive thoughts about it. So I was like, okay, I need some answers. And they started ignoring me. I bear in mind I've grown up with these people since I was like before I was born. It was, my mum was friends with them years before I was born. Like they went to school together. It was a really odd situation. They started ignoring me, started ignoring my family. And then nine months later, I sent a message to both of the parents and I was saying like, I just want to know what I did for you to basically abandon me when I needed you and they both blocked me. That's bad, isn't it? What did the mum say when she found the messages? She concerned for you. She tried to hide stuff to protect her son. She was concerned for me, but I think you're always going to protect your child first. And she was always like, I see you like a daughter and I was like, okay. But she's grooming you. She's been a puritan you. You know what? He needs a fucking bullet to the head. Like there's no denying it. Like if he's doing that to a seven year old kid, they're the worst kind of people on this planet. There's no changing them. They need the fucking, they need the death penalty. They need the exposed because if he's doing it to you, who else is he doing it to? Exactly. And that's the thing. Like the whole, because for you to be abused at seven, be groomed and still feel that like you say, stop, calm syndrome. Does it love me? Does it not love you? Yeah. Seven? I know. I was thinking even to my daughter's 12, you did not. I see them as a baby. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like it's a hard thing to say that because I've had plenty of survivors on who, I wouldn't say they blame themselves, but there's something. And then when they still feel sorry for that person. Yeah. Do you still feel that connection? Like would you put it all to the side if he was going to get help and just forgot about it? I don't know. I don't know what I feel. I don't think I've still. Still numb to it. Yeah. I think it's still in the back of my mind. And I just like make a joke about it. And I just forget about it. But like as it was going on, like I was in a very angry like headspace because I just wanted, I felt like no one listens to me for 10 years, even when I was like constantly trying to tell people in my own little way. And yeah, I remember one time she was like, Oh, the only way that we're going to deal with this is if you calm down and we are like adults. But this is like 10 years of childhood he's took away from me. Like I can be angry if I want to be. And like, I remember one time I went round and I said, this is before she spoke to him. And he went to therapy and I said, have you spoken to him? And she went, I was going to, but he's just got a girl that he really likes. And, and you know, like this is the happiest I've seen him in a while. I just can't bring myself to do it. And I was like, you're letting him see another girl. I was like, but you know what he's going to do? He's been accused of this before. You've had the police knock at your door. He's done this to another girl my age. Like I know for a full fact, this is what he's like. Like, I don't know somewhere you're not listening. And I knew that she had found those messages because she, there was obviously something to happen for her. It's gone an old Facebook account to find messages from 2016. Like that's just wrong. And yeah. And when, when she said, has this person like done anything to you? And I said, yeah. She went, oh, he's always had this problem. And I was like, well, if you know, like why haven't you got him help or, I don't know, locked him up or something. You can't fix that tendency. You can't fix that means it. Like I said, dead. And Russia had my kid life sentence. Yeah. Dead. Yeah. Australia take their passport, take their driver license here. If they abuse kids, they can change their fucking identity for 15 quid. It's awful. It's so bad. And they're just allowed out. It's just they, they don't want their lives to be ruined. It's like why? Like they've done it to themselves. I took drugs for years. But it was my choice. Yeah. 15 years, 20 years. Yeah. Community service. Community service. They're abusing more kids and still getting bail once, twice, three times. Like nobody asked to get abused. No. Drug dealers, people want drugs. They want the drugs to go and look for it. I don't agree with drug dealers and all that shit now. But it's just the laws here are fucking rotten. Yeah. So seeing you started talking about that, nobody listens. Do you ever think in your mind, how old are you now? I'm 22. So it's still very young. So it's still very new. Yeah. Something you'll probably need to deal with for the rest of your life. Yeah. Speaking out about it, going forward, I try to press charges, then give you the strength of what that does, and give other people the strength to come forward. Yeah. Is he having sex with you at seven years old, eight years old? Hmm. Yeah, it's fucking sick, man. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? And I was saying this to the, to his mum, and I was saying, you know, like I... Did she know the film story? Yeah. And I was saying, like I think I need to go to the police about this and showing it. Okay. Well, that's if they believe you. And I was like, oh my God, I was like no one's on my side. Like it was just a really odd situation. I think my mum was in denial about it for a long time until they blocked me and like she fully realized the extent of the situation because it was a really difficult thing to say to your parents. And then, yeah, I went home for the first time in a while the other day and my step-brother had apparently been invited around to theirs for dinner. And I was like, I was like, in what world? Like, is that okay? Obviously he said no. But like, how on earth is it still in their head to do that? And it's like, yeah, it's so really weird. But like, so when I visit up there, I just go, I know where they live. I just, I drive past the house and then I'll be like, I can't believe they've got a new car. Like, I can't believe they're just living as if it's just like a normal thing to them. It's just really odd. Do you find it more difficult now though if you've done strap off, you're doing only fans, then you lose the credibility to try and speak out. Like you say, she'll call you a liar, then you start doubting yourself and then the conflict gets lower. Yeah. Do you find it more difficult because of the industry you're in as well? Not necessarily. But I think if it got to a point where I went to court about it and I think their lawyer, if they probably would have a lawyer, I think they would say, oh, look what she does. Like that's the whole reason, like this isn't like valid. Do you know what I mean? So I do think it would, I think it's part of the reason like I haven't done anything about it because I'm like, would they take me seriously? And also the last time it happened was like a good few years ago. And like it isn't like a black and white case, right? It's not like you go, oh, I met this random man and he did this to me and then he just left me on the street. Like it's not like that. It was like 10 years of, we were still friends with them. Like it was a family friend. And like I've had the option to go to the police many times that haven't. Like it's a really complicated thing. It's difficult for anybody to come forward and speak because what if they don't believe me? What if, what if, what if you don't yourself? It's easy just to forget it, but you can't forget it because the healing process is admitting there was an issue there. Yeah. Sophie Anderson I had on porn star, I love her to bits. Man, mad as a box of frogs, not in case, but abused for 10 years old. Yeah. Selling herself for cigarettes and alcohol at 10 years old, men abusing her. In her mind, she thinks it was normal. In her mind, she says, oh, but I enjoyed it. I let it happen. You don't because your brains, your brains not fully. That's what you're told is wrong. You're being groomed. And I tried to say that on the podcast and I don't think she understood it. I think she's been doing it for too long that she's, she just wants to forget about it. Yeah. The porn and all the fucking sex that she does. And she says she slept over 20,000 men. That's for me just a total escape for a girl. And you actually listen to her man. She's such a good soul. Yeah. But you can see the, the brokenness. Yeah. When the jury lies, it was what was happening was wrong, especially from a young age. If you've never been educated, I don't know what's going on. Yeah. Was there a time where you thought, this ain't right here? Um, I think it, it, I think the guilt like always really got to me. I remember like in my head, it wasn't the odd word. It was like, you know, we were just two people who loved each other and that's what he kept telling me. So I, I always just thought it was a normal thing, but the guilt that was there from, like from it happening, I was like, I shouldn't feel this bad. And I remember moving to my second house, my parents moved to house when I was nine. And I remember going there and looking at the house and going, okay, I'm allowed to lock on my door. I'm not going to let it happen here. And like that, I think that was like, when I realized like it's not right. And like, I shouldn't have to think that as a nine year old for that to not happen. And like, yeah, I, I'm not sure. I think it was just, there was always something in my head that was like, we shouldn't be doing this. Like this isn't, this isn't okay, but I wanted his approval that I did let it happen. Hopefully, with that happen. Oh, we, we saw, um, we grew up together. Like my, yeah, like we would go home together every day after school. We would like, we literally had our whole childhoods together. Our parents would like, child mind all sets of kids. If the other one was off. So we would teach other every day, if not every week. When did this end? Uh, when I was 17 was the last time that happened. Still recently. Yeah. So it's not as if like, kid at 11, a kid at 12, 12 and 13, like it's, it's okay, but if there's a five year gap between kids and that, like it's not right. No. I mean, we've all been to schools when there's first year, second year, like it happens, but it's a fucking baby. It's a child. So seven, planting seeds, he's 11, 12, like, and it's not, it's just wrong. Yeah. Fucking labels. There was, if he had a girlfriend, I would like, would you get jealous? No, I would feel safe. Like if he had a girlfriend, I would be like, oh, thank God, like I could be in a room alone with him. I know it's going to be fine. And like, it was like, but as soon as I heard they'd broken up, I was like, oh fuck, like this is it again kind of thing. And I knew that's when it was like, a bit wrong. Cause I was, it felt like I was like searching for this validation, but in the wrong way. And I think that's when it got to me that I was like, am I doing this for the wrong reasons? And like now I do it in a way that I love it. And I, I think I can find happiness outside of it. Isn't my whole being is not only fans and searching for this validation of men. I actually think it's like, got to a point now where that validation start with filled me up so much. I was like, this is good. It's like, my standards are so much higher because like people are like paying to come on and say nice things to me. Like I don't need that from anyone. What I need is someone who can actually bonus my life in a good way. And like, I feel a lot more stable in the way that I view men now and how I view men interacting with me. And I feel a lot better for that. But yeah, for a good like year or so, I really struggled. How was it talking about that therapy? Oh God, it was horrible. It was like, I like, I still can't say like what it was. Do you know what I mean? Like I still can't say he did this to me. Like it, because in my head I'm like, I feel really guilty because I'm like, I can't believe I'm accusing him of that. When it's like, well, he did it, but it's just a really odd, odd thing. So who's your trust that she was in? Like with men, especially in strip clubs, only fans like, you know, you're self-deceding this in the darkness. With men, it's a creepy cunts, man. You've got to be honest, like no matter if they're getting a fix, whatever, it's still, it's still quite creepy. Like, how do you then, how's your trust with men, women? Is it totally gone? Has he seen quite level-headed as well? As long as you're not here and you're completely fucking broken. But how do you learn to trust? How do you build bridges with people? Do you find it hard? I've actually, I was actually fine with trusting people and I feel like I put too much trust into people and like, if someone came into my life and they were nice to me, I'd be like, oh my God, have everything, take whatever you want, like I just want you to love me, kind of thing. Whether it is a girl, a friend, like a man, whatever. And I think, especially recently, that's kind of like gone to shit. Like I think everyone, who I've had a friendship with, like, has, because of my only fans, I've seen like, you have money and people know that. I don't know if it's the money, I don't think, I don't know if it's me being like, too nice, but like it has kind of gone bad. Like, everyone's kind of used in some way. Yeah, like that. That's where the damage comes in. Yeah. Everybody's always constantly using, you want to appreciate something. Yeah. Everybody's just, everybody's full of shit. Exactly. The best way to describe it is if we all talk shit, I talk shit, you talk shit. We're just kind of, like we spoke at a level, we don't know what the fuck's going on. No. We just, it's all about. Yeah. How long did you do the stripping for? Only a few months. I was like, freshly 18. And now it's like, so fucked up to me, like 18's a baby. I can't believe 18 year olds are allowed to do that. Like I was so young and I earned the most in the strip club that I was working in. And I'm pretty sure it was because I was young. And that's like disgusting to me. But I don't quite know if the same things that I found empowering then are still empowering now. It's like, I don't think, if only fans went to shit tomorrow, I don't think I could ever go back to stripping. I don't think I could go back to coming because I don't think I could have men watching me that predatory like. And I think in stripping especially, I don't know what it's like in the US. I think it's a bit, a bit better in the US because like you can, you can dance on a pole. You'll get loads of money in England. You get it purely from private dancers. And yeah, it was just very odd place to be when you're that young. I had quite a lot of jobs growing up. Like I always wanted to work. I always wanted money. I had three jobs when I was 17 and a college. I was fine when I was working, but then when I was in uni and I stopped to be a stripper and then a camera, I think it was just a really odd place to be because then you, you've seen as an 18 year old, your body can get you money. Like you, you can like, you have something as a woman that men will look at and give you money for. And you've also seen how easy it is to make money. So then from that, I literally like I had a boyfriend at the time and I was like, well, I can't, I can't go back. Like I need to do something to, to make this much money or more money. Did you lose yourself? I don't think I did then. I was like, I was very smart. As soon as I earned my first like 10 K, I got a financial advisor. I put money for a pension. Like I, I bought a house outright. Like I had, I had like a normal car. Like it was fine. And I, I just had like, I had like a nice little normal life. Like it was just like, it was, it was like a very simple life. And cause I didn't grow up like mega rich. I grew up comfortable. We never went without anything, but it wasn't like we had loads of money to spare. I always had it in my head that I couldn't afford things. So like I'd be like, I'm going to Kirk. I can't afford a Chinese, right? But like I did have money. And then I think it was, so I only moved to Essex in May last year. And I moved into a seven bed house by myself. And I think this year is just like, done me in a bit because I was like, I would be so much happier living in my tiny little house of North in a council estate than I am now, just because when you have nothing to work towards, when you have nothing that is, when you can't find contentment in everyday life, like that's when you do lose yourself. It's funny then, why do we do it then? What do you feel as if getting the big house or whatever it is, do you feel as if that's to try and heal the broken pieces? It was, it was actually to move closer to someone that I was working with. Male or female? Female. And then that went to shit as well. And then I was just kind of there. I didn't have, I didn't know anyone. I, in this job, you work from home and it's quite lonely. Like you, you don't go out. You just, you sit in your house. Like it's quite, it's a nice job. And it's like fairly easy. You don't get me wrong. But like you does, it's not like you go to work and you meet people and you make friends. Like everyone in this industry, I bet as you've met, it's like a little bit fake. So you can meet someone. You can be your best friend. You go home and they'll never speak to you again. Like it's just a bit odd. What I've gathered is it must damage you mentally somewhere. Yeah. Now we can all put it in, oh, I'm a business woman. I'm a businessman. I'm doing this. Even the mail porn stars, their heads are gone. Yeah. I've got a couple of good friends, man. One does the gay porn. He says he's straight. He's also a bare-knuckle world champion. Like I'm never going to disagree with a man because they can fucking scrap. But it's just, it must do something to your psyche. No matter what it is, like even all the drugs I drink, it must do something to your brain. It's a total escape for reality. What life is, I just don't know. But see when you started making money in that, did you ever feel, have you ever, are you ever happy? Do you ever feel as you seem happy, but when the cameras are off, are you happy? I was happier a year ago, like living back up north and like in a little house and like surrounded by good people, like who I've been friends with since before I had money. I think since I moved, it's mainly friends that I have now because like since I've met doing what I do. And then when you start a friendship or a relationship like that, that is already set there. They don't know you before you've had money. They don't care about you before you've had money. But I think it does damage you in some way. I don't know what way that is. I'll probably find out when I'm 50, but like I don't think it's the most sane job to be in, but then surely it's damaging in some way to do the same thing every week through and through until you're 54 and you're not allowed to quit because you've not got enough in your pension yet. Do you know what I mean? Do you ever get scared? Do you get caught up in it though? Yeah. But I think I'm fairly good at like understanding when I need to take a break and when I need to take a step back and like ground myself a bit. And I am quite good at doing that. But I think it does get to a point where like it all gets so addicting that it's like, I don't know, like you'll see the money that you make and you're like, oh, that's really bad. You need to make more. And then you'll push your boundaries a little bit to make more. And then you'll make more and you'll be like, okay, well, we've done that now. Like we know we can do that. So we need to do it again. And then if it goes below that, it's like almost your value is linked to the money you're worth. So I think that's quite damaging. People value people on how many followers they have. Yeah. I know people would not got social media. They're the best people on the planet. Yeah, exactly. I know people with five million followers and they're fucking absolute wankers. Do you know, I have dated people in the public eye, right? I vowed never to date someone who has a social media presence ever again because they're not saying, they're not normal. Like they think that they're like God or something. Yeah, that's so fake, man. Yeah. All of the people that I've met like YouTubers, like everyone wants to be in the YouTube industry, it's really odd industry to be in. Like the people are just a bit odd. Yeah. If anybody with social media, you kind of got a bit psychotic to be on it. Yeah. You don't know the damage that phones are going to do to us in 10 years. We're the guinea pigs. Yeah. That says they used to do adverts with doctors smoking 50 years ago saying it was good for you. Literally. Because I can see my pinking stuff bending down. We're holding the phone in. I know. It's just, they were the technology and information absorbing our brain spans are smaller than a goldfish. Now that we're not concentrating long enough. I even find it like, even if I walk downstairs to go and get something, walk back up, I'll take my phone and then be like, why the fuck have I taken that? It's really odd. And it's like, I especially recently have got into a situation and be like, okay, I'm not happy at the moment. I need to just put my phone to the side for a few hours and do what I enjoy. And then the anxiety about leaving my phone, because if I open my phone when I get back and there's something bad in it in my head, it's almost like I've done this thing that I enjoy. So there's something bad that's gone on on my phone that I've got a bad message that something's happened or whatever. And it's like, it's really odd little like mindset to be in is like, your phone controls your whole life. Yeah, it does as well. I used to go to the, the marches in London for people with older lockdown shit and everything that's going on. I used to look around the people who used to be the boys or be free and open your mind, but they're smoking joints, they're drinking, they're recording on a phone, they're so far from free. It's unbelievable. Trying to stop going. So what's your relationship with your dad like now? Once he broke up, did he just disappear? No. So we actually, we lived in a community house for a little bit. So me, him and my brother all shared a bed and a room for like a few years. He moved in, he found my stepmom. My stepmom lived there too. And there was like 14 people in this house and it was fantastic. It was actually the best time ever. And then they bought house and we moved in and it was, it was nice. Like he was, he was a good dad. I think it was, it was only when my stepmom got cancer that he stopped being as nice. He was always a bit of a dickhead, but like he was, he was like fairly good. How, what did your stepmom passed away? Is that correct? Yeah, yeah. She, she, um, Were you close? Yeah. Yeah, we were really close. Feel protected with her? Safe? Yeah. Yeah. She was, she never had kids, so we were her kids. And she, yeah, she got cancer when I was 14, I think. And maybe I was 13. And she was actually okay for a little bit. Um, but we just kept coming home. My dad would pick me up from school and we'd get home and she was like be on the floor. She would have fainted or, um, yeah, she, she was quite poorly. Um, and like there was a few times she like passed out because she had a brain tumor. So there was a few times she passed out and like really unfortunate circumstances, like, you know, into a pond or something and nearly drowned, but she was fine. She had a like brain surgery. And then, um, yeah, she came, came home for a while. I, um, I left because my dad was like, he was just not happy. Me and my dad were not getting along. It was the time period where as a girl, you start forming opinions and men apparently don't like that. So I, I got the point where I had to leave. Um, my stepmom as well, she was on chemo and radiation. So I don't know if you've ever known anyone. Yeah, my dad passed away with a chemo. They, they get quite, not mean, but like their temper is like very short when they're not going to be happy. Right. They feel as if anybody in their death bed always know they could have given more. Exactly. My dad was dying, but Ashro being the man, Ashro being the one who took the reins and made sure everything was okay. Instead, I went the other way. I went angry. I filled myself with drunk drugs and violence because I was angry. Not sure my dad, how successful I could have been. He always seen that I had something. So when he goes and he sees your worst, your kid, your worst before he died, that also plays in your mind somewhere there. They're going to be angry as well. Do you know what I mean? It's such a difficult thing getting told like three months or six months and no matter how tumors start, cancer start, we can go round the conspiracy route and shit as well with that. But did that affect you with seeing something you loved going through everything you've been through for the last seven years as well? Did you ever tell her what was going on? No, never told anyone. I was very close to my mum, like most of all, and I never told her. I felt embarrassed. Even when I told them after it came out, I was like, but yeah, so I actually ended up moving out. I left. My dad had a really big argument and I just moved out. I went to my mum's and yeah, I didn't really speak to her again because I don't know if this is true, but I've been told that my dad told her not to speak to me. I don't know what's true and what isn't. I don't want to accuse her of something that isn't true. But then my family all came over from America and they were like, we were going to go for like a car ferry and I was going to go with my brother and it would have been the first time I saw my dad in a while. And they he like, he called up and he was like, oh, I'm really excited to see her. Like it's been so long and he went, oh, who invited her? And I said, oh, my cousin. And he was like, he was like, oh, so he invited you like, it wasn't from my invitation that you came. And I was like, oh, I didn't know you invited me. And he just flipped and he was like, well, none of them want anything to do with you. Like, do you have no rights to see your family? Then like not on a side that you speak to anymore was really odd about it. And then told us the wrong address. So we turned up at the wrong address and then turned up there and then he came out and was like, oh, it's so nice to see you. Like, I'm so happy you're here. And I was like, this is really confusing. And that was actually the last time I saw my stepmom. And then she was in a coma for three months. So she I didn't find out what happened after until after and the day I found out, my boyfriend actually cheated on me as well. It was a horrific time. So he called me up and he was like, hey, how are you? And I was like, but I'm not spoken to this man in like a year. And I was like, good, thanks. How are you? And you went, yeah, good. Oh, actually, no, I'm not. Susie's dead. And I was like, oh my God, like it was just such a like a shock. And I actually went to school the next day, just like pretended it didn't happen. And my friend who knew my family came up and was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Like I heard. And then from then on, I didn't go to school for like six months. So I was just like, it's just, it was a very odd thing. But she because she had a brain tumor, she kept fainting and she was smoking when my dad was asleep and she set herself on fire and then was in a coma for three months. She had to have like 50% skin grafts and yeah, her throat collapsed basically. That was sick. So she had a brain tumor, fair asleep smoking and burnt herself as well. Yeah. Yeah, it was really bad. But again, as a 14 year old kid, your dad shouldn't be kicking you. Did your dad, does he ever know what happened to you as a kid now? Nope. No idea. Why were you so angry towards you? I think I reminded him of my mum. I don't think he liked my mum very much. And I really reminded, I'm very similar to my mum. We have a lot of opinions, very strong headed. I don't think some men like that. Yeah, but you need to be in this day and age. Exactly. Or else you would not get through the shit that you've went through. Exactly, yeah. So how does only fans are your biggest money maker? Yeah. Yeah. So how does that start? How do you go from stripping and then to only fans that... Yeah. So when I was coming, obviously it was like an internet thing and a lot of cameras like have only only fans on the side just so they can have a bit of an extra income. And I just had some people contact me and they were like, we can make you the next big thing. And they did, to be fair. I mean, like, there was a lot of bad things that came with that, but they... Like what? They were very much like, we made you, like we own you kind of vibe. And I didn't realise but when I was 20, I actually signed a contract that said like, not only do I have to carry on doing what I'm doing, but if I stop, they can basically force me to carry on what I'm doing or pay as much as they think that I will earn to get out of the contract. Very odd. Yeah. So it was like kind of... Did you look at the contract before you seen that? I got someone to look over it as well, like a lawyer. And they were like, yeah, it's a bit of a shit contract but like go for it. But I didn't realise I tied in for like six years. It was very, very bad. But I think that was just another thing where I thought, oh my God, this group of boys is like amazing. And it was just another... And it seems to keep happening. I'm fully by myself now. I don't have anyone helping me. Just got a few really good friends. But yeah... Very gullible. Yeah. I think very naive as well at the time. I think I'm a lot better now but... You're always looking for someone to save you. Yeah, a little bit. Probably the daddy issues. Yeah, but every time you just got to keep your guard up. Yeah. That's the sad reality is like I struggle with trust and rightly fucking so because every time I'm right anyway. So I just fly solo. Do my own thing and nobody can get hurt. And I don't get hurt. Yeah. Simple as that. It's not like, be protective. Oh, you've got to let people in. Fuck everybody else. Yeah. I'm 39 man. I don't need anybody else. I'm doing alright. No, I'm just... I've been through it. You're still fucking young but you've been through enough now to go okay, wait a minute, I need to question that. Yeah. Everybody can come off and speak your opinion but sometimes people come in and I say, ah, and then I remember. Yeah. And I think it's as well, you know, because I would never do it. I just expect that they would never do it because why would they? No, so it's through a bit. I can't thank that we know because I prefer not to have numbers and money. Yeah. That's all that is. It's such a weird position to be in like 22 and like have what I have and then because I'm like, I feel like I'm also like over generous. So if someone goes, oh, I'm having a really hard time. I'm like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Like, here's loads of money and it's just fucking stupid. Like, it's still nice to be nice. It's still nice to be generous because if somebody's going to fuck you over then, you know what, that is where it is. Yeah. You've still got to keep your cars close to your chest. You've still got to play the game. Yeah. Life's just a game of chess. Yeah. How do you play the moves, man? You've got to be in control. I'm a control freak. Yeah. I'm feeling in control because I know, I've lived life long enough to know how to play the game. Yeah. It's all bullshit. Yeah. And when everything, the cameras are off and then you can still smile from time to time and then try to find other things in life then you're running. Yeah. Because it doesn't matter if it's a seven bedroom Gaffin Essex or a fucking tent and the middle of England. Yeah. Like, you can be happy anywhere, but it's everything to do with this. Yeah. So seeing you started only fans, like when you talk about people wanting to say we can make you this, make you that. Like, how did they take 50% Yeah. So I've had, I've had some people take 50%. I've felt some people take 20%. Yeah. Like a pimp. Not quite. So like, it's not, it's more like strategy about this is like, maybe how to do YouTube. This is how I would do like different social media so that we can bring people to only fans. So it's, it's a bit different. So like a social media manager almost rather than a pimp. And like, I think another thing, like with a pimp, they, it's usually, they'll go, you work on this. Like you do this. And yeah. Like, I don't do anything with any other like guys. Like, I know some girls do stuff with like a bunch of guys. Like, there's, there's none of that. So I won't quite call it pimping, but I think some of the people got like, to invest in like a we own you kind of thing. Do you know what I mean? Like, yeah, very, I think they get like, almost as God complex from it. That's fucking weird. Yeah. Yeah. Pimp can be, it's not just somebody with a fur coat and it's got fucking girls standing at the street corner, selling themselves. Pimps can be somebody working. McDonald's can be pimps. Yeah. People working for minimum wage, where they're making fucking bullions each year. Yeah. There's levels of it for big corporations to anything from there's just different levels of the pump. Yeah. Anyway, I've interviewed Andrew Tate and he says it as well that he's not, even though he's a small pump compared to some of the bigger companies who've got thousands of fucking workers in the minimum wage. You get kids in India making night trainers, but they'll sell them here for 300, 400 quid. Yeah. They're fucking the top pimps. Yeah. I mean, but so when did you start trying to, you're still fucking young. Let's be honest with you. You're still a baby, man. Like, when did you start to understand that, wait a minute, I'm getting used to you. If somebody comes in, but and helps your career, and they've boosted it and they have genuinely helped it, by all means they still deserve credit. They still deserve a percentage. 100%. Sometimes what happens is people get too big for their boots and wait a minute, I don't need them anymore and cut them off. Yeah. So potentially you could have been the bad side, because if they've helped you and says everything they're going to do, but yet you're thinking no, don't matter if you're sitting here all innocent and sweet. Yeah. But still fucking greedy. Yeah. Everyone's greedy. I mean, I always want more because we don't earn enough. We think, oh, there's no jobs anymore. I need to work harder. So in that relationship, somebody's bought you up as well. You've still got to be careful who's in the right or wrong. Yeah. Your career, of course, you'll be able to make as much as possible. Boxers now are making all the money. Yeah. They only get 20%. Yeah. So when did you realize okay, I can make more myself? It got to a point where I think, I think management companies in general just get greedy. I think if they have one amazing situation, right? So like, you get it went to the blue moon. You can have, the only fans is saturated with girls now. Every girl's gone, oh my God, it's okay to do that. Great. Easy way to make money. And only one in 50 will be big. Right. And it happened that I was one of them people who luckily got big very quickly. And I think they then just went, oh, you won 50 girls and they were getting like eight different girls on a week. And they were all saying, you can work with Emily Black. You can do this. You can do that. And I was like, what does this give to me? Like you're, you're not putting me first anymore. I'm sorry. And they, yeah, it just got to a point where I was saying like, I want to do more. I want to do this. I want to do this. And they were like, if I said, I'm really not comfortable doing that, they would go, I really think you have to think about the implications of that. Then you're not going to make any money. And like, it just got to a point. I didn't trust them. It wasn't comfortable. Um, and when you're saying to one like, maybe you want to change the direction. Like, and it's not supportive. I think it's all just a little bit. You start thinking, you've not got my best interest at heart. Like you, you see the dollar signs, but I'm not earning as much as I could be. You're like, I'm not reaching my full potential and you're okay with that just cause you're now getting it from how many other girls. Yeah, you're being used. They are friends. Yeah. They are. When you break it all down, they're telling people what to do, what to wear, seems to, they're telling, they're calling the shots. They're not getting the best interest for you to make more money. They're pretending to make you more money. So they get the money. Like, that's the way I see it. That's the way the business game works. It's all, it's all scams, it's all bullshit. It's all lights, it's all manipulation. Everything's bullshit. Everybody's got podcasts now. I look at podcasts, they've all got my fucking, majority of them have all got my previous guests and that's all right. Something can be flattering. Then it's just, you're thinking like, in life, be who you want to be. Fly solo, man. Like be unique. Yeah. If you ain't going to be unique, you ain't going to fucking get anywhere cause people see right through it. But if you're getting manipulated and going through all this shit, losing your statement, groomed as a fucking kid, your dad being a prick, let's be honest that when you're still only 22, how does it then affect you with anything you're doing in life or can you actually just try and get on with it? I think a lot of the time I do just try and get on with it. But like, I think it's always going to be there. I think like, you can't ever like push it to the side or push to the back of your head. Like it's, I think it's one of them things, like you're absolutely fine. And then the one minute you're not, the whole world comes caving in. Do you know what I mean? And like, I think it was like in November I had to have a month off because I was just like, I just can't, like I don't understand what's making me happy. I don't think I am content at the moment. I just need, I need to figure out what it's like me and like, if what I'm doing on social media is what I want to be doing because in this day and age, everyone is doing the same thing, especially OnlyFans girls. You look on YouTube, everyone's doing a try and haul, everyone's doing spin the wheel. Like you look on. What's spin the wheel? So you spin the wheel, there's like little four fits on it and you're like, you're like twerk or bounce or like you do something and you spin it and go, oh, bounce. And you sit there and bounce. It'll get hundreds of thousands of views, but like, is it what makes you enjoyable and like with OnlyFans, right? The one thing that makes it big out of everything, that makes people stay on there is if they go, I'm in love with you, like you as a person. It's like, yeah, fair enough is to go, oh, you're really fit. You look like you've got good tits. They'll subscribe, but like that's not going to keep them on. That's not going to make them fall in love with you. You've got to have like a whole persona where they like, they genuinely like you for them to want to subscribe and to stay there and to be an actual follower and not just, I want to wank every now and then, right? It's still fucking creepy though, isn't it? Like, I can give it all upon six. Like 80% of stuff online with porn is abuse. Yeah. Has girls been abused? Yeah. Pornhub's putting fucking kids on. That's a website that should be shut down. It's unbelievable, the method of thinking and with the perverted mind and listen, I've been a man. I've been a fucking bit, yeah, boy, back in the day that understood it. Yeah. But now I understand what I put in here, what can affect it, watching porn and stuff. It darkens out, makes you depressed, like all these men are struggling and you've been in the Ferry Puss 22, what's the oldest man that's on your OnlyFans? I don't know. How would you say the oldest man is? It's on my OnlyFans. What? Oldest man that's on my OnlyFans. Um, the late 50s, early 60s. Yeah. Yeah. What do you say when if it's an old man on your OnlyFans, what kind of conversations gets struck up? God, it can be anything from, like, from, oh my God. I had this, I don't know if I can say it because it's probably going to watch it, but I had this guy who, like, basically messed with me and he was like, you've cheated on me. And I was like, I was like, what? And he was like, you've cheated on me. I can't believe you've done this. And I was like, I was like, hang on, hang on. What? And he was like, and I was like, oh, haha. And he was like, this isn't funny. Like, how are you going to explain this? And I was like, oh my God. I was like, fuck, like, this is bad. Like, we're not, we're not together. Like, I can't be with you. And like, it's, it's also some people are like messaged and be like, okay, so how much from me up? And I'm like, this is an online, like, no, just does not, like, I'll be here to fulfill whatever needs you want. But like, there's, there's no crossover of boundaries. It's, it can be very odd. But, yeah, but like then sometimes people be like, so you won't sleep with me for a grand. I'm like, fuck. Like, and I think it's got to the point as well. Someone could offer me anything and money doesn't have the same value anymore. Do you know, when I was 18, I was so sad that I didn't sell my virginity. Right. How fucked up is that? Because I heard that someone, someone sold their virginity for three million. I was like, if I just did that, I would be fine. Now I'm like, if someone offered me three million to have sex with me, I'd be like, no, fuck off. Like there's not enough money in the world. Money does nothing. Like money gives you freedom and I'm really lucky to have that freedom. And I'm in a really beneficial situation where I don't have to worry about money. But like, what does it give you? Like, what is it going to buy you that's actually going to make you happy? What's the most you've rejected? Oh, I don't even know. Probably not that much. Have you ever been offered to go to Dubai? Not for the Port-au-Paris situation. Nah, I've never been offered that. Are you sure? Is that all that shit and all the stuff that they do over there? Oh yeah, I believe that. 100%. Yeah, absolutely. And people have told me, man, and all these girls think they're big balling on their Instagram, blue tick, and they've just been fucking shat on. The thing is as well, they don't just shit on you. Like they beat you. They have such perverted fetishes that they will do whatever to you, and then they'll be like, here's 20 grand, make it better. That could fuck you up for life. I think this is a whole thing. At this point, I don't want to damage myself anymore. And if someone does the slightest thing wrong in my life, I'm like, you're out. Bye. Like, I don't want to know you anymore. Yeah, you've got to protect yourself. Yeah, because... What age did you join OnlyFans? 20, I think. So, you're still recently new. Yeah. What was it like from, what's the difference from OnlyFans and webcamming? It's a lot safer. Webcomming, I got very addicted to the money very quickly. So, I knew, if I was just sat there talking, people would just send money for no reason. Just for you sat there. You didn't have to be naked. You didn't have to say anything. They would just send you money. And it was nice. And I would get to a point, I would earn a grand a night, and I would refuse to get off until I earn a grand. Yeah, it was just like... I would, I think at one point, I spent three months, eight hours a day without a break. I wouldn't see anyone. If I went to see someone, I'd be like, I can stop for a cup of tea, but I need to go home and work. And they're like, why? And I was like, shut up. Let me make money. Because it was the first time in my life I'd ever had that amount of money. And I knew that it was possible to get that amount of money, that I was like, life just got made so much easier. All them times where I was like, I think when I moved into the house that I was first coming in, I really had to work out, okay, if my friend drops out, I have to pay 10 grand for the whole year. I have to somehow make that work. And then I found out I could make that in 10 days. Like I was like, what the fuck? Like it's like a life hack, but it's, it is kind of damaging at the same time. So why is only fancy for the webcams at not the same? I don't know how people do it, but they can like track your face or something. I got like someone messaging me. They could took a picture of my house, right? And they sent it to me and they were like, I know you're inside. And I was like, what the fuck? I was like, sorry. I also, I had a boyfriend at one point and when we broke up, I had like someone text me being like, just be very careful. Your ex-boyfriend is saying that he will let people into your house for 20 pounds to just like do whatever to you. And I was like, I was like, what the fuck? Why I had to kind of move out of that town? Cause it was like so unsafe. And with only fans, one, you can do it from wherever. So I could put a picture up at home and people are like, oh my God, she's at home now. They don't know where I live. And then I'm actually here. It's behind a barrier where you're not live. People can't see what you're doing right now, where you are right now. Like it's a lot safer than coming and coming is a lot safer than stripping. So you've just been doing only fans for over two years, seeing you start building up the subscriptions. Yeah. How's that feeling? Like as an excitement when the money's coming in or do you still feel that's not enough? It was, it was to start with. It was really exciting to start with. I got like really excited when I hit like 66 subs. I was like, oh my God, look, I'm famous. So what the hell? And then now it's, I don't think anything from that side will like ever be enough. Like you're constantly chasing more. But I think like just what you were saying before we sat down was like the power of now like you have got to be present. Like as long as I invest wisely, then it's always going to be enough. Like you just have to find happiness in other places that aren't work to then see it as just a business. But I just think because it's such a personal business like it's someone seeing you at your most vulnerable states. Like that's what makes it so personal. What's a normal day like on only fans for you? What do you mean? Like when you wake up in the morning, what's your daily routine like with it? So I have like a plan every day of what I'm doing on like all social media. So I say one day off and loads of Tik Toks and then like post like three or four a day from then on out. I've got my professional Tik Tok as well where I'll do the same thing on there. On only fans, it's like so you have like extra videos. They sign up, they pay a fee and then there's a certain amount of stuff on the wall. They can just see for free. They can message you for free. And then they can also buy more explicit content. And that's where like the more money is. So I try to send out one of them a day. I don't necessarily film a new one of them every day like maybe once a week. And then that's basically it. A lot of it isn't planned. I'll maybe take like bulk contents like a bunch of different lingeries. Sometimes I'll be out and traveling. I'll just take a few cute pictures and then like post them like it's like really like quite easy stuff. What sort of stuff is that different levels of people who subscribe like different things that they get videos and stuff like that. And it's all you who does it yourself. So there's no male, female and a lot of girls have sex with men, sex with women. They do all the mad stuff. So how did you build up a successful only fans by just you? Is that with TikTok, YouTube? There's all that stuff. Yeah. And yeah, I just I kind of have to think right. So when I very first started out like a bunch of stuff got like my auntie actually sent like a bunch of stuff to my stepdad. And I was like, oh, so I've got to be really careful. I've got to think that's the worst case situation. Right. What is what would I die if they got to send it? So I just wouldn't do anything that would be like detrimental to myself in that situation. Everything else. I'm like, they know what I do. Like it's fine. Like they've seen the worst of it. It's all good now. So like, but yeah, it's just I don't know how I got successful just doing like solo stuff. There is stuff like with other girls in there, for example, but it's not like crazy shit. Yeah hardcore. Yeah, it's just it's it's like we'll be doing stuff but like next to each other. Or like, do you know what I mean? It's not it's not like we're full on finger-blasting each other or something. Some of them are fucking nuts on it. I had a girl. I can't remember her name a couple of weeks ago. Well, my friends, and she's got big tits and she's but they go full steam ahead. Yeah. There's no fucking about that. I subscribe to a few girls because like it's really good to see what the people are doing. Like if your content is getting like, you know, like the same samey same and I subscribe to a few girls and sometimes I'll see what they post. I'm like, fuck, like you're bald. But they're doing it for the money. This is what I'm saying where you can lose yourself then when these completely destroy your mental sanity for for money. Yeah. I mean, look, how many men do you speak to a day? Oh, I'd say I get a good few hundred messages a day. Then I'll just send. And you have to reply. Yeah. Engagement is like really, really good to have on there. If you lose all your engagement, people are going to stop interacting with you and that's where you keep people. Do you ever get anybody getting angry that you don't look proud to reply? Sometimes, but I'll only not reply if something's been really weird. Like, God, you do get some odd people on there. Usually everyone's fine. It's like really normal things or like, they'll be like, I have this weird fetish like feet. And it's like, that's a normal one. That's fine. Why has the feet thing normalized now? I have no idea, I have nice feet. So it's working for me. It's going great. Why is that where the feet thing? No, I don't get it. I don't know. It's not something you look at and go on these feet. Apparently people do though. That's fucking weird. And I don't think. There's, there's weird ones. Yeah. There is a lot. Do you know I had someone, I don't think they're going to watch this. I don't know what's okay and what's not, but he was like, he wanted a custom video and they're like the most expensive thing you can buy, right? Because a custom video please like take your retainers out. And I was like, yeah. And he was like, yeah, that's it. Just take your retainers out. I was like, okay. It's just not a thing. You know, I've actually got the pictures on my phone and me like take, like, with my retains out and just put a slobber on it. What did they pay for that? Uh, that one's very good for this. 300 quid are you pulling a retainer out? How do you get my cell normally finds boxing? Cause I had, who was it? I had on, had the webcam business. Yeah. And the girls, and the guy was paying her to eat jelly babies and pretend it was him, but keep the last jelly baby and pretend it was him. Yeah. Sitting having a wanker. It is, it is disturbed shit. I've had. And who did they have on? It was Elbrook. Actually, she was on and she was, people were pretending their brother and sister and that some incest shit. And the girl I had on a couple of weeks ago she was, the guy was in like, a kid's room and that, there's some, there's some darkness there. Yeah. Like, why do you think people are paying for only fans? Like, if it ponds free out there and what's the, what's the, what's the turn on about it? Obviously it's the girl next door kind of thing. Yeah. I think that's a whole vibe as well. Like, I think, so you've got to imagine, right? It's not, it's not the same as ponds free. Why don't you just go have a wank? It's a whole relationship to some people. Like, if you think, if you're the loneliest you've ever been and you get home and you can just go, no one's excited to talk to me. Well, like I am, like you can send, like message me and then you'll get a reply really quickly and I'm on constantly and I've just be sat there like typing away. Do you know what I mean? And then not only that, but you could have a sexual relationship with this person where they're sending you live videos where they're sexting you, like, and not only that, right? It's not just this random person. The whole thing about social media and doing only fans is you kind of, you're like the celebrity in people's heads. Imagine you're like number one celebrity in your head, right? Say if, if you're like mad crush is Megan Fox and Megan Fox makes an only fans and you get to go on there and have a relationship with her and like speak to her every night and not only that, but she wants you and like she's sending you videos of what she's doing. It makes it a lot different to just go and put on her and just have a wank. Like it's this, it's this whole Understandable. Yeah. But it's fake. You're not going to say that because I want to lose subscribers, but my method of thinking, obviously, maybe 10 years ago, obviously you go, I don't know to, to, to, to stop throwing and that's dropped a bit, but I just, the method of thinking and the seediness and the perverted fucking and the female. Yeah. There's everything even with sex is a sexual energy exchange. I started looking in the soul and all that shit and I go way deep to understand how can I improve? How is this seeming retention? It's all fucking weird shit that I look into, but there's something in it, the energy exchange there's something in the connection. Even when I look at every pond snaz, there's a rise, I see them, there's nothing really behind them. I mean, and that's the scary thing that if you're only doing it solo, but do you ever get scared that you could be tempted and you go, listen, there's five million quid. It happens that I know you can shake your head, but you've already came this far by doing what you've done. Yeah. There's always temptation. Yeah. Okay, I can retire, but before you know it. But I think the difference is if you'd have said that to me, if you go five million quid on the table right now, you film like a full on sex tape with three guys and you do this, I'd have gone fucking give it to me. Right. Now I think it's got to a point where it's like, okay, I feel like I've gotten to like where I'm doing incredibly well. If I saw myself a few years ago now, I would go, I can't believe I'm there. Like that is mental. I was on like, what 12 grand a year a few years ago and like now I'm here and money has a different value in my head to what it did. It's not, if I just have money or fix everything, the grass is never greener on the other side. Like the grass is green now and you need to like have that as it is. You need to do things that actually empower you rather than just like thinking that if you just do that, you'll be happier. If you just do this, you'll be happier. Like you're not. You need to make yourself happy now and if you're not happy now, either like something needs to change or you need to get yourself to a point where you are content because like the money is is never going to fix things. What's the worst thing you've seen doing only funds? Oh God. What haven't I seen? The Disney man. He messaged me. I'll show you onto this. Mickey Mouse. You've got my phone. I can show you. Yeah, what happened? He phoned me up for pure Instagram. Oh no. So I bet he loves that I show this to everyone. I had it on ITV as well. So what was that? What's the worst thing you've seen? So this might not be the worst thing I've seen, but it's definitely the funniest and this guy basically sent me. He on Instagram, right? He didn't even pay to send me this. Ew. And he like messaged me and he was like, he was like, hi, I just I just want I just want you to laugh at me. And he's basically made Disney characters and then put his micro penis as their nose. But the drawings are actually fairly good, which makes it even worse. So it draws round his boba just with Disney characters. Hang on, hang on. I'm on the podcast. Mickey Mouse dick. Honestly, but he Oh no, I'm going to be so. Oh, here we go. Okay. So and he's he's given like a label at the bottom. So this is Winnie the Pooh. How small is he? Oh yeah, Carmen. Do you want me to show you his actually dick first? Yeah. It's like a little butthole. So then let me show you his actual. How small is he's dick? Oh, but there's this is the potato head guy. Stitch. Yeah. So he draws me pictures and puts his pecker through his nose. Shrek. Yeah. Yeah. Let's see the Shrek one. Mike was asking Elsa. Why Elsa? Let's see the Shrek one. Right. I have a picture of his dick. So I can't show that online because I'll probably get done for something. But they were unsolicited. So. Like, what did he expect? Yeah, it can be anybody. So he puts his wally through the paper and draws a cartoon character. Yeah, that's what he said. He said, my lovely love heart shaped balls for you. That's the smallest wally I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. Not seen many willies, but I know what it should look like. So how old is he? I have no idea. He's sending me randomly on Instagram. Like, I have no idea who he is. He was just like, hi, mistress. Can you laugh at this? Fucking I laughing at them is my favorite thing to do, but it seems that all men who have micro penises like them laugh that. But if you have micro penis, what are you meant to do other than be laughed at? Like, you can't just be like, no, it's really big. I promise. That's crazy, isn't it? Yeah. So see, how can you, how can you look at men like outside, can you, and think that, because they're all full of shit. I will say that, but how can, when the industry you're in, the shit that you've been through as well, how can you look at somebody, how can somebody be speaking to you and you think, oh, do you feel gullible again where it's a possibility or do you just totally guarded with seediness? Totally guarded. Yeah. I just feel like as well, when I was younger, or like, not even very long ago, but during, like, I'm sure you've told your daughter, right? You go, no, no, men only want one thing. Like, be careful. You go, yeah, okay. And then you go, no, no, he likes me. Like he actually likes, no, they fucking don't. They don't. And it's like, every single man, like, when, when me and Grace travel alone, right? Was it a fucking parade of them? It was awful. Like the men, it was like, it was a man at the desk. And like, we were just wanting to go through. We had an hour until we were boarding, right? And there was an issue with that ticket. He was like flexing his muscles on the phone. He was like, he was like being like, oh my God. Yeah. So like, you have Monza business. And we were like, just give us the tickets. Like, chill the fuck out. His friend came over and they were like, doing this just, it's just a bit weird. And like, every time I come into contact with anyone, I'm just like, I feel like, you know, like a bit odd. And I feel like it has ruined my perception of some, some men. Of life? Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of married men relationships that come in your only friends. Yeah. The amount of people, but I never know what to say because I'm like, like, I'm glad you're here, but like, you should be with your wife. It's a form of cheating. Yeah. I think if I had a boyfriend and I'd found out that they'd got someone else's only fans. Oh, like, I would not be happy. It's a form of cheating. I even messaging girls back on Instagram or girl messaging boys back. It's a form of cheating. There's an interaction. There's no different from what's that message that, but we're living in a day and age where it's acceptable. That's why relationships break down so easy. Yeah. It's too easy to meet somebody. It is so. And do you know what the other thing is? It's very damaging towards everyone's mentality. Guys and girls, because with TikTok, with Instagram, you can now see hundreds of thousands of people where it's like, where they're gorgeous. They're beautiful. They're face up themselves. Like they are this level of people. So when usually you'd go down to your local pub and you see something, you go, oh, all right. They're nice. You know, we'll have babies. Right. You can't have that anymore because, like everyone took these hundreds of thousands of beautiful people that are face up and edited online. Do you know what I mean? It's scary because the amount of porn and stuff people consume in a day was our fucking ancestors never even seen in their lifetime. No. But it's so damaging to the brain. Our phones are so damaging to whatever this amazing thing is we've got up there and we just destroy it. It's not even like phones though necessarily. Like when I was in Amsterdam, I went to one of them sex shows because I was like, I really want to see this. It's going to be amazing. Some of them were. And there's like women doing crazy shit and it was great. And then there was like an actual sex scene at the end. I am not shitting you when I say, the guy probably had to take a Viagra and he was like just like fucking her and the girl was like, and she like the guy was like fucking going. And I was like, oh my God. I was like, we had to leave. I was like, this isn't enjoyable. Like I can tell she doesn't like this. That's not nice. That's what I mean. Like I bet when she first started doing that, I was really empowering. She was getting loads of money. She loved these people looking at her. And now it's like, fuck. Do you know what I mean? It's like not. Yeah. It's not a turn on anymore. It's not an attraction, but that's anything in life. Consistency with it can be damaging. It can be boring. Because change is always important. When was the last time you cried? Probably yesterday. I'm a crier. I cry every day. That's why I ask you don't seem it. But even when you're talking about the past and stuff, do you feel as if you're trying to be brave about it all? Which is important, but do you feel as if that you've guarded with a lot of the dark stuff and you probably cry the most stupidest thing? Yeah. I feel like if I was to cry, it'd be like a full and like breakdown of a wall that wouldn't be ready to break down. Like even when my settlement died and everything, I think that's why I just isolated myself for like six months. I didn't go to any lessons. I taught myself at home. And I did really well on my GCSEs. And then afterwards I was like, I don't want to speak to anyone. Like even now, I've never been a social person, but I feel like I'm good with people. But the thought of going out or like going to something every week, like a little club or whatever, where I could like meet people. I'm like, I don't want any friends. Like I have enough friends. I have like two or three, but I feel like everyone's out to hurt me. So it's like quite difficult to get past that. No, but you can understand that because you have been hurt. Every man that's come into life is fucked over. Especially the ones who should have been there the most, your father. Like all men, yeah, but like as girls as well, especially in this industry, it can be really damaging. I've known quite a lot of girls who are like quite damaged, maybe in their own way, maybe from this industry, but like how they've treated me has been just as bad, if not worse than the men, because they've not had that want of a sexual desire. They're just hurting for the sake of hurting. But hurt people, hurt people. Yeah, 100%. Do you understand that? Yeah. You've got to get that right. Like if they're broken, it's not that they're necessarily bad. It's just all they know. Yeah. It's all they know. And that's the scary thing. And I always say that, but if you're hurt, you tend to see anybody around you, you hurt them as well. Yeah. Until you take the reins, until you go and get help, until you try and make changes to them. See the world definitely better in your life. Yeah. That's the beautiful thing about it. You can fucking make the changes to them. Do whatever the fuck you want. Yeah. But it takes time. It takes years, man. It's just, so when people are hurting you, me and a female, how do you, do you just become a recluse from your whole fucking existence? Yeah. Just sit in your house and make content? I don't know. Like I think at the moment I am, but I think that's because I'm in a state of, like for a long while, I was like in a really bad state of, I feel like my friends are like dropping off like flies. And I'm like, do you see someone with no friends? You go, but who's the issue? Do you know what I mean? You're like, oh, why have you got no friends? It's like I have friends, but I'm usually the person to be like, to wonder that about people. So my friends are like dropping off like flies. I'm like, am I the reason? Like am I the bad person? Am I, like, is there something going on that like I, it can't handle like anything. And I think it's like really difficult to come, to come to the conclusion that that isn't the case. And I'm not a bad person. And these things like are happening. Like they're just not my friends. If they're hurting me, they're just not my friends. It's not anything that I've done. Might be letting them in, and take too much before they've really crossed the boundary. And then me saying, mm-hmm, don't do that. But like, I think that's the hardest thing. And I think I'll get there. I think at the moment it's a bit of a, a bit of a difficult one to not be a recluse. But like, I think it's just like, It's safer, isn't it? Sometimes. Yeah. How many subscribers have you got to only fans? Oh, um, like around 10K. How much is that a month? Oh. Is it all different packages? It's not, it's not different packages. So like, it's $25. It's fucking mad, isn't it? It's $25 a month, but like the first month is always half price. And, yeah, like, once you subscribe, you pay that set price, and there's like, there's thousands of like media posts, and videos, and photos, and everything you can see. And then, obviously messages on top of that. If it's, if it's a, a two, no, if it's a five-digit month, it's a bad month. So 10,000 subscribers, 25 quads, so if you're making five figures a month, it's a bad month. Mmm. And six figures is a good month. Yeah. Have you ever made seven figures in a month? No. I've not, I've not had a million, million dollar month now. It's doable. It's doable, but then this is the other thing. Like it's like, okay, if I was to have a seven figure month, like, it would be amazing, but then would I just want that every month? Would I just be like chasing this constant high that I'm not gonna get? You're already chasing it though. Yeah. I think everyone's constantly, the whole point of life is people are looking for that feeling of good, like they're looking to be happy. We want if you're accepted. Yeah. But even the men, you'll be manipulating them. Yeah. They know this. You know that. See, do you feel that sense that you've got your power back when you've got so many men who would do anything for you? If you know what I mean? Maybe. Maybe it's like this whole sense of a God complex. I'm unaware. That's what it's like though. Yeah. If you're fucking 10,000 men, you've got an army there basically. Oh, yeah. You've got 10,000 men. Like I say, it's like an army. Like, do you have? You've spoken, we clearly have, but what's your boundaries? I won't do porn, like full on hardcore porn. I do stuff by myself. I, I obviously because of everything, I have a very interesting relationship with sex. So I struggle with it sometimes. I struggled to like make a new video sometimes. So like there's been like a few months where I just, I won't make one because I'm not in the headspace to like, I don't want to pretend that I'm enjoying it. Like I have to be in a mood to be like, okay, I can do this now. And I don't want to ever do it if I'm not comfortable doing it because what's going to happen is I'll film it. It's happened before when I've been with like past management where I filmed it because they've been like, we need a new video every week and I filmed it. And then a few days later I've gone to edit it and I'll be like, I look so sad. Like I can't, I'm not putting that out. So I'm always having to do things when I'm comfortable. And I think the other big thing is like, it's really difficult to remember when you're making the money, but like say if you have, for example, 100 grand in a month, right? Say if you were earning 50 grand in a month, is that month, is your quality of life going to be changed with 50 grand less? What were you going to do with that 50 grand? Like what did you need it for? But then if you have a 25 grand month, are you actually spending 25 grand in that month? Know what? I don't know if any fucker who spends 25 grand in a month. Like I think I have the smallest outgoings ever. Like I spend it on my dogs. What dogs you got? I got two Whippets in Italian Greyhound. They're just weird fuckers. They're really odd. They're fast, but really odd. Like I've got the Italian Greyhound Piggy is like, the weirdest dog you'll ever meet. It's like he's like a cat velociraptor thing. And I spend a lot of money on them. I like to travel. I did have a conversation with my mum the other day. I was like, when you're younger, I was like, money would never change me. But I think it does in like really odd ways. And it hasn't changed me in the way that I'm like, and I think I'm better than everyone and like no one's at my level and like, I can't ride on a bus, do you know what I mean? But I think it's changed me in a way of like seeing the world more complex. I think it's really interesting. When you have a normal job, you go, I can really work for a promotion or I can work for this or I'll be happy if I get this. And it's a really odd thing now to be like, okay, what now? Like it feels like there's almost this tick list of life, right? So you grow up, you get a house, you get a dog, you get a boyfriend. Like or a girlfriend or whatever. You go on holidays, you have kids, get married, die. It's like, what the fuck is the point? Like you got to just like do whatever you like actually want. Yeah. People say money changes people, it doesn't, it just shows the more under the spotlight because what happens is if you're a good person and you make money and make more money, you're still a good person. If you're a wanker and you make money and you're just a big wanker. Yeah, if you know what I mean. I think people say, oh, you see your true colors, you probably do, but the person's still the same. The money doesn't change them good or bad. They're just, they're still that same person, just by an extra, a bigger car or whatever the fuck it is. I know people weigh money and they're good people but I ask them the question with the folks all about and it's, they don't know either. Alfie Best, that billionaire gypsy that still gets up and works every day. That's his way, should I stop? Yeah, but everyone needs like a purpose. You need a purpose. Like I've recently been thinking like, oh, maybe I need to go and volunteer at like an animal sanctuary or something because I need that like consistency of like a normal life. Like everyone needs it and it's really hard. Do you ever say to someone who hasn't got a lot of money, if you had a thousand or like a million dollars or pounds or whatever right now, what would you buy? It'd be like a house, a really flashy car and a yacht, right? No, you wouldn't. You get to a point where you can afford a yacht and you're like, what the fuck is a point in a yacht? Like I can't even swim. Like it's just a really odd like concept and it feels like, it feels like now I've got a house that I own outright. I've got two really nice cars which I'm selling because I'm like, what the fuck is a point in having nice cars? Like I don't even, I don't like driving and it's like, I'm living in this like big fancy house that I want to move out of because it feels too big. It's like empty, it's a bit lonely. And then it's like, it feels like you've ticked off all the things and then you're being like, okay, well, what now? It's like you've completed this game and then you're at the end bit whereas there's no more quests to do. You're just like in this simulation of being like, oh, I can just like go around and like spend bits of money. It's really odd. Like you've got to constantly find something that's giving you more joy. It's fucking difficult though because people have not gotten off time. They've either got to work, get the kids from school, make the dinners, clean the house, up in the morning and do the same routine. So it's hard when you're in that loop, 99% of the world are in that loop. Do you know what I mean? It's so hard that human beings, as human beings in a whole are just struggling because you don't know what the fuck is going on, man. They're just following the gender, the rules from the government who genuinely do not give two fucks about you. So you're in this life then that when do you, how can you then separate what's real and what's fake if you're closer and you're doing this shit for 10,000 men following you and it's not real. No. It's your world just now but how can you... Yeah, it feels real to me. Like that's the world that I live in. But I do find it, I don't... But it is a bubble. It is a bubble. Do you understand that as well? Yeah, and I think it's really hard to come away from that because like say, like I went to see my mum and then like I've started like a TikTok like vlog channel, right? So just people can get to know me more. And like we were going out and we were feeding the lambs and like that's what I genuinely needed to just make my... Like my childhood heart feel happy again, right? Because my adult heart bit broken right now because of all the stuff that's happened. So I'm like, I need to go back to my parents' house, need to like feed the lambs. And I was getting my phone out and I was like videoing it and my mum's like, why are you doing that? She's like, just be here. And I was like, oh yeah. I was like, oh. So it is even social media, like even if you don't do only fans, it is just this bubble that you live in of, everyone needs to see what I'm doing right now. Like, and it's worrying and it's worrying for me like realizing that I'm doing it because I think if I looked at my screen time, it would be so bad. I'm the same, but then I use the excuse I need it for work. Yeah, so do I. Don't need to look at every fucking comment. I don't like it the views I'm pulling in, but I do it because I care of how I'm perceived as well. And no matter what I say, no matter how I'm working on ego, I've got pure ego. I'm a control freak man. I'm a leader man. Yeah, but it's the whole thing of every single human. I don't care who you are. All you need is to be accepted and loved by people. Everyone is searching for like the acceptance of people is like really odd. When is enough enough? I've not got that yet. So I don't know. I'll tell you when I find out. Yeah, hopefully you do that. Yeah, TikTok. How did you get a TikTok popping? Nearly 2 million followers. That's a big fucking number. And there's not much. Yeah. You know what you're doing? Yeah, however you're playing, you're playing the game very well with that. Thank you. The sexiness that it's showing enough to get is just perverted. It's just something. Yeah. But you've not got links to your only fans in that. Why so? So it goes to my Instagram and then there's a link on my Instagram. So it's quite easy that way. But yeah, I don't know. Because recently, as I say, I've started this vlogging channel and that's mainly going towards girls, right? Because girls are the one who cares about a daily routine or like what you're doing, doing this activity. You guys don't really care about that. Guys will follow very quickly for like a sexual thing. And I feel like I've spent the past two years perfecting the sexual thing. It's like I could post anything. I know it will get views. I know it will get likes. I know it will get comments because I know how to give that sexualness of like making a guy want me and like even what to do with my fucking eyes. Like all of it because it's like a whole persona and then when I go on to like my vlogging one and like someone's that left a mean comment, I'm like that hurts so much more. It's so much more. Have a deep cut because like that's actually me. Do you know what I mean? Whereas this when people leave a mean comment about something I'm doing in the sexual night or whatever, cool. How do you deal with the trolls? Surprisingly, I don't get many. Like I don't know how I've managed it. I've never had that much hate and like I think I've been really lucky that way. I think the few times that I've had hate it's really badly affected me because I'm constantly looking for that validation even if I want to like kid myself. Like everyone is and when people, if someone said something and other people have liked that comment or agreed with it. I'm like, oh my God, like is that an actual issue with myself? Like the other day I got called fat and I was like, like I know I'm not fat, right? But then I was like, ah, okay, I'll go on a diet because like someone else liked it and I was like, so if two people agree, like and it can be really damaging. That was from one comment. So like that's not everyone commenting being like saying the same thing. But I don't know if, like I've had quite a few friends who get a lot of trolls. I've had friends who will encourage the trolls because that's how they get more engagement. That's how they get people over to their, their other pages. But I just But I found with your stuff as well, it was the girl next door, you still got that innocence, the sweetness where people are, they'll not say nasty things. You've got girls out there quite in your face and there's an energy about it. Like you're playing the game to a T, the character that you've built, it's working. But I think that's probably because it is, it is me. Like I feel like whenever anyone meets me, they're like, oh, like Do you know who you are though, if I'm honest. Yeah. I'd like to think so. I think I know who I am in a personal level. Everything online to an extent is a persona. Yeah. But yeah, I think, I think if I was to like live alone on like a deserted island for a few weeks, I think I'd be like quite happy and content in myself. I don't think I'd get like really in my head about like like, I don't even know who I am. I think it's when I get too far deep into the bubble and caring about the numbers and the money. That's when I go, fuck, like I need to take a step back and I need to like deal with myself. How does the only fans work if you're making sex figures a month? How does it work with tax and all the others? The kind of this shady stuff around that. Taxes are fucker. I do everything above board because I am terrified of HMRC. And I have got really good accountants. They're really lovely and they help with everything. But yeah, taxes, like it's like 20% of your earnings like like full stop. And then corporation tax and self-employment tax, all of it is just, yeah, that's a fucker. But as I say, I've been like really smart. So I give to charities every month. I work really closely with a few charities. What charity? What do you do? I work with a Korean meat dog charity and it was actually someone up north. I fostered a Korean meat dog and like we were just talking and I was like, yeah, I want to sponsor you. So now I give them something every month and they're able to like bring like a bunch of dogs over. And hopefully the end goal is to create a shelter in the UK that they can come over and decompress before they go into a household. But again, like it's not an owl, but like that's tax-free, right? If you give however many thousands to a charity, like that's fine. Well, like since I am my first 10K, I put away for pensions, ICES, like I've been really smart with my money, putting it into profiteers. Like I don't think I've been... I feel like I've got good hair on my shoulders. Yeah, for a very young age and everything you've been through, you could be sitting here on the fucking crack pipe, alcohol, like people... Thought of it. Yeah, do you know what I mean? Like, it can, you're too far gone, but like you say, you've still got your head on your shoulders which is a good thing. It's just the only thing been doing that consistently for another 10 years. It can be then become damaging. I've interviewed enough people to see there's something I'm missing in their eyes that hopefully don't get caught up too much in it. Like, how does it feel then being only fans mugging the earth, like loving the lavish lifestyle that do you feel good about? How far you've come also, especially what you've been through, so I give you credit for that. Like, do you feel good? Yeah. Or do you still feel as if it's not enough or something's not right? I think I... Again, you're always chasing something where the grass is greener. Like, I feel good and I'm like really proud of myself. And I feel really good about the fact that it's not changed who I am. And like, when I was younger and I heard anyone struggling, I'd be like, oh, wish I just had something to give you and now I can. But like, it's... You're always going to chase, like, if you're fulfilled in a work sense, like, because I'm doing great there, that's fine. Like, I'm really happy. And it's like, okay, well, now I've like neglected myself. So now I need to take a step back from then. Like, even if I have a five-fig a month, like, that's not going to affect me. That's fine. Now I can invest more time into myself and make myself happier. And I think it's just finding the balance now that it's hard because there's also so much pressure. Like, if you're one of the top only fans girls in the UK, right? Everyone... Like, I don't mean below me as in, like, below me, but like, everyone who is looking up to you is copying what you're doing. So like, if you do fucking spin the wheel, the try-on haul, whatever, you can guarantee that every only fan girl in the UK is going to do that. If you do a, like, a professional TikTok, so like, I think me and Elle were the first ones to make a professional TikTok with like cameras and everyone started that. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's... And it's little things, but it's constantly finding something new that's the difficult thing. And I think it's got to a point now that the new thing is like being you. Like, especially on TikTok, what I'm seeing is like the bigger things are the personality things. And it's really hard to get there. It's really hard to get a following for that because we're like brainwashed to just be sexual. And like, that's how you get a following. But I think like actually having your personality in it is like the next big thing. How did your relationship with Elbrooks, Matt? We started working together in Simpsquad. I don't know if you know what that is. It was a girl group of me, Elle, Rhiannon, Bonnie and Daisy Drew. What were you doing? It was like we did only fans, TikTok, YouTube videos, everything. But it was actually quite damaging. Why? Oh my God. So we all got together. And we were all making all these TikToks. We were making only fans. We did all of this stuff. And it was actually like it was really beneficial, money-wise, right? But we were having to get together for a whole week every month without fail to have enough content. And within that week, was it a week? It was quite a while. It was a good four or five days. Within that time, it was draining. It was a lot of work. And I think by the third month, everyone started being compared. There was a lot of hate comments. There was a lot of comparing this girl to that girl, the blonde girls to the brunette girls. It was a lot of stuff like that. And then everyone started putting in what work they were going to get done, right? So they were like, oh, I'm going to get lipo. I'm going to get BBL. Oh, I've just had my whole face dissolved and I'm going to have it all put back in but differently. I'm going to get my teeth done. I'm going to get my bum done. And it was like this one big... It was like getting all of these personalities that were really big all clashed together and then compared to each other when... OnlyFansGirls are probably... You will not meet an OnlyFansGirls who's like, no, I've had a great childhood and I'm really happy. I just thought it'd be fun. Everyone's kind of damaged in their own way, right? And doing that and then putting it in the most insecure environment that we could have been in. So then everyone got mega insecure, wanted to change everything about themselves and then, yeah. It's probably not a good environment. Have you had any work done? No, no. Because I've had a lot and she's had her fanny and that done, tits everything. Yeah. It's mad. Yeah. It's that industry. It's difficult. Like I say, you've got your head screwed on. I would tell you straight, you've got your head screwed on. You've done the right things. You've been through your misery and paying for the past lesson. This live bullshit is going to come. Hopefully not as dark as what has been but it's just the fucking circle of life, man. It's a mad, mad roller coaster. Where do you go forward for the future? Like you're fucking only 20. Where do you go? What's your plans? You get visions. I want to, I want to go into property. I want to go get to a point where I want a charity. I want to get to a point where like Save your dogs, don't you? I want to save all animals. Like I'm vegetarian. I can't give up cheese. That's not a bad thing. You listen if you're vegan as well. There's more fucking animals and insects get killed being vegan and anything. Like with the palm oil and shit. People's trying to save the world but you've got to save yourself. You've been ruthless and... And also, right? Do you know if I'm vegan, that's not going to make a difference. If I'm vegan when I have the choice, if I'm vegetarian when I have the choice, if you didn't eat red meat for three days out of the week, that would make the biggest difference rather than everyone being vegan. That would put the world in the opposite direction. Just the same as if everyone ate red meat every single day of their life. If everyone was just more aware of what they eat or where it came from, then it's fine. Just be more aware of it. For anybody that's watching, because you've been through some dark shit, you're still here smiling, you're still here making dough. It doesn't matter what we say. It does ease the pain a wee bit. Listen, it's not everything, but if you're all right person, you can enjoy it and find your things in life. But for anybody that's maybe went through something that you've went through, and it took you 10 years, and I've seen earlier, you were kind of hesitant towards it, understand. It's such a brave thing to do. This will go out to the masses, so people will understand you. It's not just got only fans and speaking to perverts. Sorry for anybody that's own only fans, but there's a lot more to you than that. I believe this is only the start, the amazing career and the amazing journey that you're going to go through. But for anybody that's been in the struggle and maybe too scared to speak out, what advice would you have for them? What's the worst that can happen, honestly? The worst that can happen is that you will be taken seriously. Someone will take you seriously, and people will listen, people will believe you, and once it's out, that's the hard thing done. And then from there, it's just hopefully you'll fire up the ass for the other person. Yeah, a bell out of your head. Yeah, yeah, you know, either or. What's all your social media links, like Instagram, TikTok, only fans for people who want to get involved, come and see me, come and have a wee look, maybe send you pictures of fucking Walt Disney, whatever. Oh my God, please send them. Yeah, that's the enjoyment. My Instagram is It's Emily Black. If you want, come on. I have a bunch of different TikToks. There's Emily Black Talk, It's Emily Black X. There's a bunch of my only fans is at E-M-B-L-A-C-K, just M-Black. Emily, we're coming on at the end, telling your story lesson. Massive strength, I appreciate everything you're doing. Maybe the only fans in that, maybe you could be doing something a bit more constructive for life later on, but I believe big things will happen later, so you've got a kind heart, good soul, but would you like to finish up on anything? I feel like, I just want to point out, I feel like I've made it seem like the worst thing ever, and I've had the worst life ever. I genuinely am very like, I feel like I'm good. I don't want to come on and be like, yeah, I'm like the poor rich girl. I have a good life, it's happy. I know I'm very privileged, and I'm very grateful to everything, so if you've ever subscribed to my only fans, follow me. I very much appreciate everyone. I don't feel like I'm hard done by any means. Yeah, because you don't want to be a victim. As much as people can be, and a lot of people are, a lot of people can live on it, and it can be dark, and it can destroy their whole life, and it's totally understandable. You don't want to be here crying, and here feel sorry if you get it. Everybody deals with different levels of trauma in different ways. I don't feel like I am a victim. I feel like bad shit happens to everyone, and regardless of if you're drowning in a fucking tablespoon of water, or a fucking river, you're still drowning. Everyone's issues are valid no matter what, and you're fine. You fucking tell them that you're terrible. Listen to the problem today. Wish you nothing but success for the future. God bless you and take care.