Is there a 100-pound semi-aquatic South American rodent in your kitchen? I am Dobby the Capybara, I live in the suburbs, and this is my story. Royalty is automatic among the world’s largest rodents, but I am the Prince. Read the highly opinionated record of my downfall from pampered pet to grubby, corn-obsessed middle age. This isn’t “How to Capybara” anything, and the facts are a little bit mixed up. If you are interested in wild capybaras, don’t look here! I can tell you what’s in my refrigerator, though, and where the off-limits birdseed is. I also discuss visitor expectations, explain discreet coprophagy techniques, and offer advice on forays into forbidden parts of the house.