• Fallout 4 Review | How I learned to Stop Worrying and Give Todd My Money

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    Fallout 4.

    The highly anticipated sequel to the long running 'Skyrim' franchise by Bethesda.

    Quite different to other games in the Skyrim series we see a departure from Tamriel to the mystical realm of ‘America’, living in a fictional dystopic future where Bernie Sanders has won the 2016 election.

    In this future, everyone is composed of spaghetti and everything is generally pretty shit.

    The story goes that after the war (yes, the one with that Austrian fellow) the world has been brought to the brink of nuclear war, right after mastering nuclear power and inventing butler bots for every single American family. One joke about small Asian wangs (eggrolls) boils down terribly, and results in nukes being fired at the US. Luckily you and your family enter Vault 111 just in time to be frozen cryogenically and have your baby stolen from you.

    Your quest, you guessed it, is to get your baby back. The baby which you’re assured is still somehow alive even though you have no idea what year your baby got ‘napped and your spouse died of bullet poisoning.

    [With a shit name like Shaun it’s pretty easy to narrow it down luckily.]

    The radiation from the resulting nuclear fallout has mutated many of the races in America, with Mexicans becoming radroaches and redguards becoming functional members of society. The fauna remains generally unchanged, with Bethesda developers cleverly pasting in rats and mudcrabs from previous titles and doubling their size.

    Playing as a strong independent black woman I found my immersion quickly ruined as I came to realize that my household lacked an absent father figure, forcing me to disable my husband through the console. I did not cry for my supportive husband as he was clearly a compulsive liar.

    The plot quickly ups the ante. You go from murdering several Mexicans to shooting molerats to shooting white people in a matter of minutes, receiving your first suit of power armor about 10 minutes into the game and downing your first deathclaw 12 minutes into the game.

    However it’s not all easy, and some missions can quickly become too much to handle, such as this side quest where you must retrieve underage jailbait from a vault, only to be ambushed by hordes of radioactive gorillas.

    The game physics can at times be a little unrealistic, such as when I jump, yet I would argue that most Africans can easily reach such heights if they tried.

    The game is also not without its fair share of glitches.
    At some point my game broke itself, preventing me from leaving pre-war Sanctuary and spawning several copies of my husband, and they all wanted to know who the father was. This situation was made more difficult as my Robo Butler Codsworth was forced to repel a large gecko that had managed to enter my son’s room, and to make matters worse, the Vault Tec salesman standing outside had given up on his career and resorted to fondling a young boy in plain view of his mother.

    One of the most particularly fun features of the game is the inclusion of base building, allowing you to live out the American dream of owning a plantation. However I failed to attract any willing slaves, which I later found out was due to roving gangs of gorillas murdering all my potential workforce. These were dealt with accordingly.

    Here you can see the valiant defense of my first settlement, Ass Fortress 12, from these villainous apes.

    The game may simply be described as a masterpiece, like Witcher -with guns, and Skyrim -with gameplay. This spectacular jewel, this magnum opus from Bethesda Softworks and my good friend Todd Howard who has paid generously for the review, is worth every hard earned cent of that $60 purchase price.

    Yes I know, rice farmer in India (world power by 2020) that only earns about 4000 rupees annually, that’s a lot of money – but all of your fields, all of your crops and your starving family pales in comparison to the prodigious, cinematic, phenomenal, cum inducing rapture that you feel from owning a copy of Fallout 4.

    Some of my complaints however are that I cannot play the dog. Why bother showing so much promotional footage of the dog when the dog is not an option as a playable character? As further salt in the wounds, why can’t we at the very least romance the dog? Come on Bethesda, its 2015, and man’s best friend is ready to become man’s best lover.

    Overall however the game is pretty good, the graphics look a little brown and bleak, but then again, it is America.
    I give this game a yes out of maybe, putting it as my most highly reviewed game this year.

    Congratulations Bethesda.

    Good job.

    For more quality shitposts visit https://www.facebook.com/ss... and tell me about your deep♂ dark♂ fantasies♂. Show less
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