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To the outcast:
Growing up, I always noticed I was sort of different from other kids. No matter how hard I tried to fit in, I couldn't. In school I was quiet, a mute some would say. As time went on I opened up, so many found me irritating or annoying, most saw my quiet behavior as being "stuck up". I never really understood it to be honest. I was only being me,
yeah I was a little weird, I thought a lot differently, i viewed things in a peculiar way. Because of the way others took to me, i grew to be so ashamed of my difference.
Id look at the kids with so many friends and things in common, laughing and carrying on with vulgar conversation. While I was just me, that weird girl, who cared about her work. and moral conversation, or that mute kid, who never had much to say.
Granted, I didn't make it a point to thrive on the opinions of others, My mother taught me to do my best, so I did. I did my work, I graduated with honors a year early from High school. Secretly people think it was for high reference for college, but i just couldn't wait to get out of high school.
I did it, I graduated, I did my best; but, just like any one else, I was still a human being and the fact that i was still set a part, hurt.
Through out my Middle School and High school career I was very unhappy. I was a pro at hiding my sadness with a counterfeit smile and a joke. So, No body knew. Just me.
I could never understand it, I mean how could they not see something so obvious. How could they look at me and not notice how unhappy I was underneath my skin?
Id look in the mirror, I'd just stare, while thoughts of depression raced through my mind.
Id tell myself "i'm so hideous, look at me, i'm so weird, why am i even here? i don't belong here."
One knock on the door and Id wipe those tears and put on a smile within a blink of an eye. Out came the jokes, in stayed the hurt.
I didn't know, depression was a spiritual thing. No one had ever taught me.
I knew about Jesus, and what He'd done, but I never understood it.
I knew about satin, and what He had done, but I never grasped how real he was.
Over time, I thought depression was a part of who I was, a personality trait that GOD somehow missed. After so long I had let the spirit of depression counsel me. I could recognize it on others, and like that we'd become friends. They'd vent to me, and i never knew why. I hated that they were coming to me as if I had the answers.
I felt I was the worst person to vent to, I didn't like myself, I didn't feel fit to stay here, on this earth. I mean I never shared, I never opened up, never prayed about it. I hid it. Tucked it all away.
One day my mom was speaking to the youth, about the devil and his tactics.
She explained a play book, and how He has one for every one of us.
How he recognizes our weaknesses, and when the whistle is blown He runs the play.
Again and again, how he will continue to try and defeat us until its over. And he's won.
The bible says, "The thief come not but to steal, and to kill, and to destroy."
Without knowing, I was being spiritually attacked.
I allowed the words of others, define who I was. Quickly sadness set in. And I believed that sadness. I didn't expose it. I covered it up. And little by little The enemy stole my happiness. He killed my confidence, with intentions to destroy my soul.
I spoke to the kids in my youth group one night, at the request of my Mom who like everyone else, had no idea I was so unhappy.
And for the first time, I exposed my depression. I spoke on what I did, How I felt, and how one sad though grew, and grew, into thoughts of suicide.
I went further to explain, sometimes i don't even know why I'm so unhappy.
I then asked everyone who has or has ever felt this way, to raise their hand.
I stood in awe, as every hand in the building slowly lifted up.
Everyone, Every kid there, felt like me.
I wasn't as different as I thought, there were people like me. That had one thing in common. Their difference, and longing to know what GOD had for them.
I write this to say, your difference is what defines you. Never let the words of others, shape you into who you are, no matter who they are or what they think.
Remember who made you different, and thank Him every day.
If you struggle with depression, you can't let it beat you until you're no more. speak out on it and expose it. Because by holding it inside, you give the enemy power over you and over your thoughts.
Jesus died on the cross, and took the keys to every chain, and every spirit. He hold dominion, so when it comes, call on him. And know, He will answer.
Don't hide it, don't cover it up. Put up your fists, and fight it!
Speak "Depression does not belong to me!" Speak "Jesus Save me!" Even speak His name, and profess joy and happiness.
And thank GOD, He made you different.
Love Auburn xo