dear friends, sisters, brothers, my comrades on this journey,
My journey took a sudden and drastic turn in Montenegro in July 2017. It was as if a veil lifted and I could see through the reality I lived in, into a spiritual reality. It’s not fully possible for me to put in words, but it was as though God pulled the plug on my universe and told me, “That’s enough. You cannot keep doing down this route, Anita. Turn back.” During a period of 2-3 weeks, I experienced wave after wave of revelations. I came to understand that everything that I thought was right was wrong. Everything I thought was true, rendered itself false. Everything that I thought was false, rendered itself true. All of realizations built upon one another until my entire understanding of the world came crashing down on me.
I experienced a soul-shattering sense of hollowness, emptiness and despair that I would never wish on anyone. I understood tangibly that the saying, “he soul his soul to the devil” is very possible, because I experienced what it’s like to feel utterly soul-less. No matter what I did, it was as though I’d lost my capacity to experience joy and it was harrowing. I was e m p t y. No matter what I did to appease the sorrow in my spirit, I could not.
I saw the horrible wounds in my spirit that drove me to travel, to be an entrepreneur and to publish content online. As much as I always started this with good intentions, my own fear and ambition had grown alongside my good intentions. Like a weed, they made the garden of my heart impure. I was filled with so much despair over what I had been doing with my life.
This abyss of the soul happened to me while I lived in a villa along the Adriatic Sea in an adorable town in the Balkans. There was literally no reason for me hit this despair, because I was visibly “living the dream.” This was how I knew that this occurrence was an act of God. He was getting my attention in a way I could not ignore. At the time, the only thing I could possibly think of doing to appease the unbearable pain was to pray.
I just knew: God is real.
His sovereignty over our universe and our reality is real.
So I prayed and prayed and prayed. I prayed with desperation and surrender as never before. And God started to stir in my heart with instructions, guidance and messages.
This is the reason I came back to Canada in August 2017. I just knew: I knew I needed to go back “home". I knew I needed to find a church and plant myself into it. I knew I needed to learn how to love people. I knew I needed to change my ways. I had to stop chasing my ambitions once and for all. I had sinned.
So I came back and one of my first assignments was to write and compile “Home Is Oceans Here” the book. Once that was done by January 2018, I was confronted again with God’s guidance. Left with nothing to do and no desire to produce new online content, I went deeper into the Heart of God, seeking his will for my life. I started reading the Bible again after not reading it for years.
I've spent a lot of time in reflection and have been able to see where I went wrong, so that I can walk the right course this time. I've been made a new in Christ. There is a course that was set for me even before I was born. I was born into a family with both of my parents as Christian pastors. I grew up so entrenched in Christian life. I could only run away from God for so long.
How much are you willing to sacrifice for a life of the deepest meaning, fulfillment and purpose? For me, I am willing to sacrifice everything.
I have dedicated my whole life back to God, the good news about Jesus Christ and the only true salvation for humanity.
When we seek the truth with all our heart, we will find it (Jeremiah 29:13). So I invite you to seek the truth. Even though it’s led me on a winding path, it has led me to Truth of God, and for that, I am grateful that I went on the search. However, please be aware it is possible to get caught in the search. And in many ways, I did waste time in my search. But God uses everything that we do, even my mistakes, to glorify his name and complete his purposes on earth. So, if you’d like to cut straight through to the Truth, I’d encourage you to read the Bible. ♥
Please don’t look for answers in people. Not from me, online "gurus" or any other humans. Start with asking God directly. Start with the Bible, God's love letter to the world. I sought answers in many of the wrong places and now I know those paths lead to dead ends. God loves us so much and he has made a way for us to be saved from the grip of this world.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Hebrews 12:1