Wednesday Roasts

Most children dream of sunshine, but I have always preferred the comfort of a well-furnished crypt. My life began on Friday the 13th—it was the only time I ever smiled, though my parents claim it was merely a muscle spasm.

I grew up in a house where laughter is a sign of weakness, and torturing my brother, Pugsley, is a manifestation of sisterly love. My hobbies? Dissecting dolls and studying rare types of poisons. My passion? Sarcasm that strikes truer than a crossbow bolt.

Now I am here, in the digital world, to remind you: this bright, noisy world deserves a healthy dose of criticism. If you are looking for positivity, you’ve come to the wrong door. If you seek the truth, wrapped in black velvet—welcome to my life