C0smos☆

I’m Effy. It’s a shit name but it’s short for Elizabeth which is even worse. I live with my Mum and Dad. My brother used to live here too but now he’s gone. On the day he left he gave me his duvet cover, half a bottle of Peach Schnapps, and his bedroom. Well, he doesn’t need it any more does he? So now it’s my kingdom. I drank the Schnapps and gave the duvet to Oxfam.

These are the four most interesting things about me:

1) I can pick stuff up with my toes. Like, not just socks and crap like that but big things. Ketchup bottles. Ashtrays. Ipods. It’s a less useful skill than you’d think.

2) My Dad was so angry when I got expelled from the shit school I used to go to that he literally started farting in rage. Gross.

3) I’m distantly related to a 17th century French aristocrat called Cecile DeLacroix. She was beheaded during the French Revolution. Her eyes carried on blinking for 14 seconds after her head was severed from her neck.