A viewer complains about some of the content seen on the BBC quiz show, Eggheads.

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I was having a tidy through some old drawers and found this song I must have written when I was about 20, so decided to update it a bit and stick it on here. Great story huh?

Lyrics

You know when hes coming, you can tell from the sound
Of his homemade front bumper rubbing along the ground
Thats if you havent been deafened by his crazy loud bass
From the speakers he stole from his grandmas place
Hes got some window tinting film that was really cheap
So his windows look - a little bubbled and creased
Hes sprayed his bonnet black although his car is bright blue
Cos his mate Lee told him that was the cool thing to do

Citroen Saxo Man,
Its hard to believe his car mods were planned
Hes taken the old sideskirts from a Renault Megane
And fixed them to his car using only bare hands
Citroen Saxo dude,
Hes got some crazy weird lights on the front bumper too
And wing mirrors from a Beemer that are stuck on with glue

His exhausts are so loud, youll hear them rattling
Cos he made them using B&Q guttering
He wanted to get alloys, yeah some 22s
But he decided wrapping foil round his hubcaps would do
Hes got a magic tree and some furry dice too
In fact so much shit on his dashboard the road isnt in view
The spoiler is crafted from some old 2 by 4
It looks cool but he cant fit through carwashes any more

Citroen Saxo Man,
Only he believes his car looks great
He used too much tint spray on his lights by mistake
So now its anyones guess when hes hitting the brakes
Citroen Saxo Dude, Hes lowered his suspension by a mil or 10
Hes written turbo on the side using a marker pen

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Original Song - Dynamo of Volition, Jason Mraz

LYRICS

Ive never really liked politicians
Thats my own admission
When I watch television
All they speak is fiction
Dont speak with conviction
Leave most voters wishing
That they voted for the other side
And crucial votes go missing
To aid a decision
So no matter who were picking
Our votes just aren't sticking
So just keep nose picking
And keep channel flicking
Cos the futures not ours to decide

Ain't no way I'm gonna stand up and fight
Cos neither side is saying anything that I like
Might as well get back into bed til the end of time,
Cos the politicians are all saying everything's fine

Gordon, What you gonna do how you gonna make things right?
Gordon, our countrys screwed, are you sleeping well at night?
Gordon, Cut VAT but still income tax rise
You cant even seem to breathe and talk at the same time.

The Government arent reading the instructions
Couldnt find weapons of mass destruction
Whats the whole point of it all?
I guess well never know really

Transport never runs with no disruptions
Guess we were all under the assumption
That the people in charge had a clue,
How could we be so silly

With an empty bag in our hand,
Cos the pick and mix market is shagged
Woolworths got screwed by the banks
No sherbet Dib Dabs for me

Catch a ride on the back of a blind man's bike
You can say just what you like,
But no one is listening

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Chris and Marek perform a Christmas song on Setanta Sports News and bring some Christmas cheer to the studio!

A little different to the festive football song so listen out for the differences!

Head over to http://www.chriscohenmusic.com to see Chris' next gig listings and TV appearances.

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See Chris on Sky Poker's The Club. You can also catch Chris on BBC 3's new show, 'My Life as an Animal' which will air later this year.

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See Chris and Marek interviewed live on BBC3's Upstaged by Scott Mills

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The dark secret of Ramsay's past is brought to the surface..

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Another dilemma solved admirably by Jeremy

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I always thought Bargain Hunt would be better if everyone was just that little bit more crazy. Turns out, it is!

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Dear Facebook users, please gain some perspective. Best wishes, life.

Lyrics

It was late at night, I was checking my wall and
Tagging myself in a photo before
I went to bed, No idea of just what lay ahead
While I lay asleep, my life was changing,
The whole of facebook it was re-arranging
It all changed
My life would never be the same again
In the morning I woke up and I connected
And I totally lost all my perspective
and I didnt know what to do, so I just
Set my status, to facebook is a load of crap
Set up a group saying give us our old facebook back
Cried at my desk and fell to the floor cos
I just do not think that I can take this any more
Status has changed to whats on your mind and
So many things I can no longer find
Profiles a mess
The way it used to be yeah that was best
Feel like Ive been used I feel violated
Surely none of this was anticipated
Whyd they do this to me,
Please Lord just tell me why, so I just
Set my status, to facebook is a load of crap
Set up a group saying give us our old facebook back
Wrote them an email, saying that I hope they die
Youve ruined my life oh facebook tell me why

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Lyrics:

If I were a girl
Even just for a day
Id roll outta bed in the morning
And see just how much noise I could make
Id start drying my hair
Youre still asleep I dont care
I put all the lights on in the bedroom
Turn the TV up to full volume too
Its just what us girls do
If I were a girl
Id spend my day being mad
Id blame it on my hormones
And burst out crying even when Im not sad
Id say that Im fine
Then not speak for the day
Say nothings wrong when you ask me
Then Id still be bloody angry
And start arguing when you get to bed
If I were a girl
Id always moan bout my weight
Say Im fat and ugly
Even though I know Im still a size eight
Id demand equal rights
But then wanna walk through doors first
Id say all men are perverts
And then wear a stupidly revealing skirt
Id say Im independent
That I dont need no man
Then Id expect you pay
For meals and nights out we plan
Id want to have it both ways,
Is that really so wrong?

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What The Saturdays really meant to sing about

(Mainly for Ellen and the gang!)

Lyrics:

Sometimes
I feel like fluid is leaking out of my mind,
Yeah my nose is dripping all of the Time,
Especially when it dusty or cold outside,
I dont know how to make it stop,

Use my sleeve but it leaves my nose sore,
If I leave it , it just drips on the floor
But theres one thing that works and I know,
That Ill take them wherever I go

Chorus:
Where would we be without tissues,
To clean up after lifes little issues,
Mr Kleenex if you were here I would kiss you,
For stopping from saying atishoo
Where would we be with out tissues, tissues tissues.
Without tissues, tissues, tissues.

And I know its wrong
But sometimes the lonely nights go on for so long
And there are naked ladies when you turn the tv on,
And you use your credit card for premium porn.
Its not your fault its no ones fault

And after you feel dirty and low,
And you feel like youre lost and alone ,
But then youre there to say its ok,
And wipe the tears and the sheets and duvet...

Chorus:
Where would we be without tissues,
To clean up after lifes little issues,
Mr Kleenex if you were here I would kiss you,
For stopping me from saying atishoo
Where would we be with out tissues, tissues tissues.
Without tissues, tissues, tissues.


The Toilet, Hayfever
Tissues we always need ya,
When we sniff, kids vomit
Youre always there to clean up.

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