America's Best Christian

Greetings, my fellow computer-owning Christians — and even all you unsaved techno-trash out there who will read any blog in order to avoid doing your little job. My name is Mrs. Betty Bowers and — as you already know — I'm America's Best Christian. While some might regard such a seemingly lofty title somewhat onerous to live up to, both piety and superiority are completely effortless to me, which is, no doubt, why I was conferred such an honor in the first place.

As an American Christian, I have devoted my life to hectoring my Invisible Savior with requests for lots of cool stuff. It's a time-consuming hobby I call "prayer." I lob assertive hints into passing cloud formations for better promotions, bigger cars, smaller hips, higher game scores and more luxurious luxury goods. This is all necessary because my Savior is infuriatingly forgetful and will otherwise squander attention on the much more easily satisfied so-called "needy." When not asking for things from Jesus, I tirelessly devoted myself to wringing every last dollar out of His name that is humanly possible without risking my tax-free status, appearing without undergarments on YouTube or becoming a Catholic.

I am the founder of Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers, which is a bit like Concerned Women for America, only slightly less concerned and with better shoes. I also oversee America's most successful Ex-Gay ministry (almost 2 saved souls out of over 150,000 dues-paying members — praise!) called BASH: Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals. Be a man, girl!

You can visit my website here: http://www.bettybowers.com

So close to Jesus, one spritz of a quality fragrance gets us both,

Mrs. Betty Bowers

America's Best Christian