 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, and first in television, presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. The enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Rousse, and Whitfield, Walter Sharford's music, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Tonight, the sponsor, Mr. Scott, buys a beautiful Christmas present for his wife, but makes the mistake of leaving it at the Harris Home for safekeeping. More about that later, but first, a word from RCA Victor. For a Christmas present the whole family will enjoy, give the gift that keeps on giving, a new RCA Victor television superset. A superset like the 17-inch Preston, for example, makes a wonderful Christmas gift. It brings a world of entertainment into your home all year round, and it brings into your home the clearest, strongest pictures you've ever seen. That's because the Preston has a completely new circuit system and an electronic supercharger that gives you television with picture power. In the city, in the country, in almost any television area, you get the finest reception possible thanks to picture power. So remember the name Preston, RCA Victor's smartest 17-inch table model superset, available with a matching consulate base at modest extra cost. And make your Christmas present the Preston. It's a magnificent new superset made by RCA Victor, cornerstone of home entertainment for three generations. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. With Christmas two weeks away, Phil has decided not to wait until the last minute to do his shopping. He's now making up his list and Frankie is helping him. Now let's see. I guess I got everybody down that I have to give presents to. Curly, didn't you forget somebody? Oh, I'll give you a hint. This fellow is a prince of a chap. He's your best friend and he plays the guitar. Oh yeah, Remly, thanks for reminding me. I'd hate myself if I forgot burlives. Curly, don't you know another guitar player? Sure, I know Perry Botkin, Dave Barber, Les Paul. I'm talking about me. Oh, you? I would just count the ones who use strings. Nah, I'm only kidding you, Remly. What do you want for Christmas? I don't know, but look, Curly, I want you to take it easy. I know you have no regard for money. You have a big generous heart. You'd probably go out and spend a fortune on a gift that I won't need. Yeah. Yeah. Silly spending a fortune on something that you won't need. So I'll tell you what. What? I'll give you the two dollars and you can buy your own gift. Ah, Curly, I know you're joking. You couldn't spend that little on a present for me. After all, you're a big man. You couldn't afford to have Mr. Schmidt think you're a cheapskate. Who's Mr. Schmidt? He owns the pawn shop where I'm gonna hawk it. Remly, every year you hawk the gift I'm gonna give you. This year I'm gonna give your gift directly to Mr. Schmidt. Why do that? It cuts out the middleman. And saves you car fare. Hey, you know something I almost forgot? Gee whiz, I gotta put Mr. Scott's name down. Why do you have to get Scottie something? Because he's my sponsor. I gotta keep in good with him. Now let me see. I wonder what I could send my sponsor that would make him happy. Tear up your contract and mail him the pieces. No, that's what he sent me last year. Took me two weeks to glue the pieces together. Oh, well, I'll think of something for him. You know something, Remly? My real problem is what they get for Alice. Why do you have to get her anything? Why? Because she's my wife. I'm married to her. I've been living with her for ten years and I... You're right, I've done enough for her already. Ah, she's a good kid. You know I want to get her something nice, something different, something that she wouldn't go out and buy for herself. What's she interested in? Well, she's a sports fan. She's crazy about football. How about a set of goalposts? Remly, please. But something in the... Something in the sporting line would be good. How about a moose-call horn? Frankie, if you can't make a sensible suggestion, just don't say nothing, huh? I want to get her something for a sport that she participates in. Hey, wait a minute. She does a lot of swimming. I'll get her a frogman suit. What's a frogman suit? Well, it consists of goggles, fins, and a snorkel tube. Hey, it's great for swimming underwater. I wonder if she'd like it. Or she'd be a fool not to. Think of all the fun she'll have blowing up enemy battleships. She'll have a lot of fun. She'll have a lot of fun. She'll have a lot of fun blowing up enemy battleships. Curly, why don't you get her something that... Well, Bill, I want to talk to you a minute. Quiet, Remly. Here she comes. Oh, Bill, I wanted to ask you about that. Say, what's that list you have there? Oh, that's my Christmas list. Oh, how's it coming? Well, I got a problem on one gift. Are you having trouble finding a gift for your favorite blonde? No, I'm getting her a mink coat. You're the one I'm having trouble with. You snapped at that like a rainbow trout, didn't you? Honey, you know you're the only woman in my life. You're at the top of my list, and I'm going to get you something real good. Well, you really don't have to get me anything. After all, I have you, dear. And that's enough for any woman. I see what you mean. I'll cross your name off the list, and then I... Drop that pen. Alice, please, you're twisting my conducting wrist. Oh, by the way, do you have Mr. and Mrs. Scott's names on your list? I got his name down, but why do we have to get something for her, too? She's so hard to please. She's been spoiled. Yeah, she's an old fuss budget. She never likes anything. Oh, now that's not true. Mrs. Scott is a very nice person. Hey, I got an idea, Curly. Why don't you pick a fight with Mr. Scott? Then you won't have to buy him anything. Oh, wait a minute, Frankie. I can't pick a fight with a sponsor. A sponsor in radio is something that's sacred. Like a white elephant in India. Besides, Scottie's a pretty nice... Uh-oh, I'll get it. Oh, hello, Harris. Well, Mr. Scott, come on in, sir. It's a pleasure to see you, sir. Well, thank you. Hello, Mr. Scott. How do you do, Mrs. Harris? Hiya, Scottie. I'm here, too. Well, this is a disgusting surprise. Quiet, jumbo, or I won't give you any peanuts. You know, this is a coincidence, Scottie. Curly was just talking about your wife. Oh, something nice, I hope. I wouldn't say that. Pay no attention to him, Mr. Scott. I said some very nice things about Mrs. Scott, and you know it, Frankie. All right, you said nice things. If somebody said it about my wife, I'd punch him right in the nose. Wait a minute. Mr. Scott, don't believe him. Alice and I were talking about your wife, and I... Never mind, never mind, Harris. If anybody said anything nasty about my wife, I know whose rum-soaked lips it came from. Curly, now he's saying something nasty about your wife. I didn't mean Mrs. Harris. Remly, what are you trying to do? Curly suggested that I start a fight between you and him, so he wouldn't have to buy you a Christmas present. I didn't say that. That was your idea. I know I heard it someplace. Mrs. Harris, I came over to see you. I'd like to talk to you alone. What about? Well, first, couldn't you send these two out to the dog run? Well, the house doesn't have to fall on us. We'll leave you two alone. Come on, Remly. Okay. Hey, Curly, aren't you taking an awful chance leaving your wife alone with him? He's a hundred years old. What did you want to talk to me about, Mr. Scott? Well, I want you to do me a favor. I bought my wife a beautiful antique clock for Christmas, and I'd like to leave it here until Christmas Eve. If I take it home, she'll find it. She's, shall we say, a little on the nosy side? Oh, an antique clock sounds like a lovely gift. Oh, it is. It's exquisitely designed and has a beautiful chime. Now, Mrs. Harris, I want you to do me another favor. I want to keep it a secret, so don't tell your husband what's in this package. Old blabbermouth will have it all over town. Don't worry. I'll keep it a secret. I'll hide it. Oh, and another thing. Be careful how you handle it. It's very expensive. Don't you worry, Mr. Scott. I'll put it away safely. Thank you. I'll pick it up Christmas Eve. Goodbye. Goodbye. Now, let's see. I have to put this someplace where Phil won't find it and I... Hey, Alice, did Scotty leave yet? Oh, good. Hey, what's that package you're trying to hide? Well, I wasn't supposed to tell you, but it's a Christmas present Mr. Scott bought for his wife. He wants me to keep it for him. What is it? What is it? I promised I wouldn't tell. Oh, you can tell us. What is it, Alice? Yeah, what did he buy for her? Sorry, but I won't tell. Curly, let's beat it out of her. Will you stop, Remly? She doesn't want to tell us she don't have to. I don't care. I'm glad you feel that way about it, Phil. Do me a favor and put it away in my closet and be careful with it. Okay, okay, we'll put it away. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do. Well, I better put this package away. Aren't you going to open it and see what's in it? Of course not, Frankie. It's none of my business what Scotty's given his wife. I'm not the least bit interested in this odd-shaped package that weighs about eight pounds. Why don't you shake it? That way maybe you can tell what's in it. Ah, I guess I won't do any harm to shake it. But it's dull gift, it don't even gurgle. You don't know how to shake. Give it to me. Can you hear that? Hey, Remly, it's ticking. How do you like that, Scotty? Giving his wife a time bomb for Christmas? Think we ought to call a cop? No. But Mr. Scott wants to blow up his wife so he can marry his secretary. It's none of our business. You think it'll lift her very high, Remly? I doubt it. You might budge her a little, you can't... Hey, hmm? Stop ticking. Good. Now we can take a peek. No. Remly, that wouldn't be right. It's Mr. Scott's present to his wife and it's none of our business. A gift for somebody else is a sacred thing. You're right. Let's open it, see how sacred it is. If we don't open it, some busy body might come along and put his finger under this flimsy string and snap it like... This. Cheap twine. Snapped at my touch. Remly, how could you? Next thing I know, you'll be grabbing the paper and tearing it off like this. They ain't making that tissue paper like they used to. Hey, hey, look here. It's a clock. You mean we went to all that trouble just to find this? Why would he give his wife a gift like this? I don't know. Maybe she's running to Santa Anita and he wants to clock her. Gee, it's a pretty thing. I wonder what that little lever on the side is for. I'll pull it out and see. Those are pretty chimes. Yeah, yeah, Remly, but shut that thing off. If Alice finds out that we opened this, she'll murder me. Yeah, okay. I hope Alice didn't hear. Phil, Phil, what were those bells? Phil Harris, who opened Mr. Scott's package? Nobody opened it. Now, how ever did that get opened? I think when you ripped the paper off, it helped a little. Wait. Phil, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Now wrap it up again and... Oh, gee, what a gorgeous clock. You like it? I love it. I wish I had one like it. Okay, honey, when Santa Anita opens, I'll get you one. Phil, you re-wrap this. I'll be back later to put it away and be careful how you handle it. Okay, honey, yeah, I'll be careful. Hey, Remly, hmm? That solves my Christmas present for Alice. She said she'd like a clock like this, so I'll get her one. Can't cost much. Lift it up, Curly. Maybe there's a price tag on the bottom. Okay. Yeah, here's the price tag. It costs $1,200 and the $1,200. Here, Remly, take this thing quick. Don't hand it to me. Curly, I haven't got it. Oh, no, we dropped it. They got a lot of nerve asking $1,200 for a pile of junk like that. Remly, please, look what we did. Don't get excited. Maybe it isn't as bad as we think. Let me see. How bad is it, Remly? That's not bad at all. The glass broke and a little screw fell out. Well, thank goodness. We're fast and have it fixed, but we got to keep it a secret if we don't something... Oh, Bill! Uh-oh, Boston Blackie. This is Bill, Mrs. Scott just called. His wife found out about the clock, and they're coming over in a little while to get it. Tell them to bring a shovel. Why? The clock will all be wrapped for him, honey. Now, look, I'm in real trouble. We ain't even got time to take it to a jeweler to have it fixed. Uh, why do we have to take it to a jeweler? What do you mean? Ha-ha-ha! Billy Boy. All we have to do is take the glass out of your mantle clock and replace this little screw. Ah. That ought to put us in business. Well, let's get started. Hey, I got an idea, Curly. While we're working on the clock, why don't you sing? What for? To cover up the noise of the hammering. Oh, oh. Long, long ago in New Orleans on a little street of dreams. There, I heard a crazy band. That was where the blues began. There was Memphis Joe with his hidey homo, and on his saxophone, there was Sliporn Slim, you heard of him, and he's laughing slide from bone. Peg Lake Pete playing hot, sweet on the bacon pot of candy. And dancers swayed as they played. That was where the blues began. There was Dogface Chet with his clarinet hitting high notes up and down. Fockey Moke was there with his slick black hair beating his drums like a clown while the bug, a bug, a bug, a big round judge by a hip cat dressing jeans. That was where the blues was born in New Orleans. Peg Lake Pete was violin made of bacon pot of tin. Hollers, I let them folks come in. Dog face jet in his clarinet, the cutest pair I've ever met, broke his reed right in there, yes. Memphis Joe and his saxophone, slip horn slim and his trombone, they tuned up and settled down. Then they all went to town. There was big nose test from the greasy vest sweeping in her glass of beer. There was gambler Jake playing table stakes with a sea boat engineer. Natchas Lil, she was dressed to kill, sing and love songs by the man. As she moaned them people groaned, that was how torch songs began. Then the cat named Sam in from Alabama started shooting up the floor. Everybody broke through the pistol smoke for the winters and the dough. While the roar of a 44 busted up those happy scenes. That was where the blues was born in New Orleans. Fixing the clock, Curly. What we do now? Let's take it to a jeweler. Step aside, Remly, while I put it in this box. Curly, you're sweeping up the wrong pieces. Those are the pieces from your mantle clock. Remly, why did we take the mantle clock apart? We needed a mainspring for Scotty's clock. Oh, yeah. One thing is still puzzles me. What's that? Tell me again, why did we have to take the television set apart too? We needed a small screw to fit the clock. Oh, well as long as we had a reason then. Look, Remly, we're in trouble. We got to get this fixed before Scotty gets here. We'll fix it. It just takes time. This is a fine mechanism needs delicate handling. First thing we got to do is pry open this little teeny lid here. Hand me the tire iron. Wouldn't you rather have a crowbar? I would suggest an acetylene torch. Bro! What are you guys doing? Well, we're trying to force something open and we don't know how to do it. Well, you have come to the right boy. Hey, I use this. What is it? Pine and nitroglycerin. Grogan, what are you doing with nitroglycerin? Are you planning to... Of course not. I bought that for my mother for Christmas. The old lady's going to get a big bang out of this. Hey, what are all them parts you got on the table? Them springs and the cogs and the gears. What are they? Oh, these are parts that belong to my boss's wife. What does he do? Wind her up every day? Grogan, this is the clock that he got her for Christmas. We took it apart and we can't get it back together again. Clumsy oaths? Step aside. I'll have this thing fixed no time. Look, Grogan, I'd rather you wouldn't touch it. You see, it's an expensive clock. Just give it to me. I want it. Get your unregistered fingerprints off of this time. Just sit down and watch your master at wake. Well, I'll be darned, Remly. He fixed it. Listen to it go. Sounds good, but what's its hurry? It's running a little fast, ain't it, Bro? Main thing is it's gone. Just look at them hands going around. Two o'clock, five to two, ten to two, quarter to two. Got it running backwards. It's going so fast nobody will notice it. Hey, Remly, it's not going to run along. It's getting oily. Remly, what am I going to do? I can't give that clock to Scotty in this condition. Hey, I got an idea. Let's sell this clock to somebody. Get the money and buy another one. Oh, fine, fine, sell it. Where are you going to find someone to buy a clock that runs backwards? That's the only problem. Who would buy a clock that runs backwards? A backward child. Hey, Julius, come here a minute. What are you sliver? Don't be a wise guy. It's a clock. Look, you can slow it down, kid. How would you like to buy this for your mother for Christmas? Well, I might. It's a nice-looking clock I got backwards. Only because you're looking at it from a bad angle. You're standing on your feet. You stood on your head. It had run forward. Your mother would really appreciate this. No doubt. Buy it. Mom, don't stand on her head to look at the time. Well, something went wrong with it, and we repaired it. And when we got it finished, it was going backwards. What'd you do? Oil it with serratin? Now, wait a minute. You'll buy it, though, huh, kid? Oh, you're up, Mr. Harris. I will help you fix it. Can you? Nothing to it. Family's got it working. It's going forward now. Yeah. Got the chimes going, too. Julius, you're a genius. What's the boy couldn't do? What's the matter, kid? Something. Yeah, now I can give it back to Scotty and everything. Hey, Frankie, turn them chimes off. Yeah, okay. Curly, I can't turn them off. The lever ain't here. Well, what happened? Where could it be? Where could the lever disappear to? So much! How could that lever get caught in your throat? Can't. Stop this thing. Which one? Oh, yeah, I know the clock, but don't get excited, honey. We didn't wrap it yet, because... You don't have to wrap it. Mr. Scott called again, and his wife doesn't want an antique clock. She doesn't? Oh, that's wonderful. Oh, yes, isn't it? And as long as she doesn't want it, I bought it for Mr. Scott. Oh, you're bold. You shouldn't have spent $1,200 on a clock. Oh, I'm not spending it. You're going to buy it for me from Christmas. Oh, you darling you. Yeah, ain't I? Hey, Bill. Huh? Bill, what's that bell ringing? What bell? Oh, that's just a street car going through the living room. Oh, aren't they pretty? Oh, you like them, huh? Oh, I love them. Well, I'm glad you do. You're going to hear an awful lot of them from now on. In just a moment. Here's a word from RCA Victor. If you think back just three years, you'll recognize the tremendous strides television has made in bringing us finer entertainment. Keeping pace with these advances is your local radio television service man. He's your neighborhood community servant, whose job it has been to keep his knowledge and equipment up to date in order to provide you with prompt dependable service. If your radio or television set develops trouble, your radio television service man will recommend the right parts and tubes to restore it to top performance standards. For example, if you should need a new picture tube, regardless of the make of your set, he'll recommend the genuine RCA picture tube. Your repairman knows from experience that an RCA picture tube brings out the best from any set. Yes, with an RCA picture tube, you're sure of enjoying the clearest, sharpest picture your television set has to offer. Today the National Safety Council for the second consecutive year is bestowing its award of merit on the Harris Faye show. And here is L. W. Van Aken of the National Safety Council. It is with a great deal of pleasure, Phil and Alice, that I present you with this award of merit for exceptional service to the cause of safety in 1951. You can be sure that the records you made for us last year used in over 1,000 radio stations across the nation did their part in saving lives and preventing accidents. Thanks and congratulations to you for this outstanding public service. Mr. Van Aken, on behalf of Alice and our whole company, many, many thanks. Good night. This program is produced and transcribed by Paul Phillips. Remember whether you're buying a television set, a radio, a Victoria phonograph, or records, put your faith in the cornerstone of American home entertainment for three generations. RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television. Theater Guild on the Air stars Brenda Marshall and William Holden in The Lost Weekend, next on NBC.