 And when when Mandy found her crying then Mandy could join with her and in the thing that she said to her was Something to the effect that the thing that I would want to teach you is to follow your heart And so the only way I can teach you how to do that is for me to follow my heart How wonderful That's a college education And it's very it just doesn't fit in a lot of times I remember even little Matthew one time We're coming up mom. Do I have to go to college or can I just study the course of miracles? I mean that's a different a certainly a different twist or angle. It's the whole theme of that. There's something deeper That is maybe doesn't fit into the structure of the way the world and society is Think things that are way beyond my Control or thinking that I could even think this up things start, you know coming This idea of planning the future when it comes in it is very Rattling for me right now because in terms of a career here I am I've just finished this degree and what am I going to do with it, you know and where is it even going to make any sense and then The idea that I come this far with school and for some reason I was supposed to do this I have no idea and Elizabeth maybe needs that but it's back to you know I find myself sort of falling back into the trap of the world that everybody thinks that this is necessary but again even get that out what Christa just said is is alright if it is necessary it will be done and You know, however, it is to be taken care of it will be taken care of with little pain if you're in the right mind I think that's what you're you're saying and I it's that trust So again, I have to come back to that sense of Christ strength instead of ego weakness because ego weakness can really make me feel very very vulnerable. Yes, I Would think it would be important to remember that it's not up to you And I hear in what you're saying that you're feeling responsible that it is up to you But it really isn't you know, and you can't control it And that you know and you're not trying to control the uncontrollable is Madness and it's just fraught with anxiety What's coming to me too is I remember when we were up at Wayne'sville there was a gentleman there who had been in drinking you had brought up the example. He was the one that said now the courses is my Comforter or whatever instead of the alcohol, but he was also the same gentleman. I said he said if Jesus lived today I don't even know if he could get a date And I mean he said I mean he walks around he's talking about the kingdom of heaven He's saying leave everything behind and follow me and and he says he wasn't advocating material possessions and everything He said I don't know how many guys could go out and get a date with that And then he went on to say that he said to his apostles, you know leave your jobs Don't work. He said I don't know of anybody that could even get a date in this kind of a sense And to me that's as you're talking Mary You know we'll keep going into the metaphysics, which is the underpinnings for all this but until the mind can Can loosen up enough to let in some of these things it needs symbols and that's why I would recommend You know to go into the fish or the rancher with whichever one you choose and to watch as Jesus Goes through his his training period in question continues to question things while still Working what seems to be in a family helping take take care of the children teach the children not advocating responsibilities and then as he goes along and even Leaves the family he does he seems to really prepare them for leaving and then when he goes on leaves the family and he calls the apostles it's a to look at some of the apostles like Thomas who's married and has kids and you know and Peter Three kids, you know once again. Here's a it's very similar to the situation that you could say Mary's in Mary's studying a course in miracles. Mary's being called by Jesus just as directly as if he had come and knocked on your front door and said follow me and Once again, it's it's like and Mary seems to have a family as did Peter and Thomas and others and it's like How what he does is he assigns an apostle to go John I think to go back and forth between the families but once again, he's calling them into a Intensive teaching learning situation where they're really focusing on these high kind of ideas and everything and You know makes no bones about that. That's a very important calling and everything and that That they go back for periods of time even to visit their family, you know, which could get into the idea of didn't Thomas Maybe or Peter feel feelings of loss I just was reading that in there in a sense that the Thomas was such a moody fellow It was describing him that when his wife when he got called to go off and follow the apostles his wife thought hey Go With my blessing, you know, which is a kind of a different twist because Peter's wife, you know, it wasn't Didn't go into that doesn't say that that but there can be always seeming kind of reactions You know, that's what Rhonda is going through now in the sense It's not so much she's not feeling neighbors coming up and saying things to her in this and that but but Tom Who is very starting to talk about what's going on is is there's all these interpretations from? those that perceive themselves as mothers being very angry at Rhonda and from the concept of perceiving it through a mother's eyes, so to speak It's from that perspective. It's like what you know, just anger anger anger and another gentleman who Tom would talk to to just saying well, she must have a man and since they why would anyone leave? So urgently to go down unless they had someone, you know all these different interpretations and once again As with you and Steve when you can lay them on the table and say here's what's going on and this is interesting all these different interpretations Tom's at the point where he understands. It's not a man in Cincinnati that she's just going to or that she's leaving her children that she's Vicious mother who never has taken care of shown interest in her children You know, he knows that there's something much deeper that she's called to and the Conversations continue and there's still the fear and physical symptoms and all kinds of ways that's being manifested But it gets back to putting it all into a bigger perspective And that's what the the fish book has helped me greatly to do because I started to feel real disoriented At times with the course because it was just like guiding me to I didn't know where From this perspective. It's like giving me a bigger bigger swath of how things are unfolding so I can even start to Say well, maybe it could seem to unfold this way That's a stepping stone to me letting go like we've been talking about of not Get putting a lot of credence in the future not even planning at all This weekend I was observing my parents and again I want to preface by saying observing because I wanted to what's I got to find the lesson I was on profound experience during this lesson. I own it's the last sentence. They're the last words of the lesson My power of decision is power of decision is my own. Where is that dad? It's an opportunity He knows I'm in this and it's like it the opportunity to bait me almost, you know, and I'm like Oh, I just want to leave he was talking about we're all inspired I believe that we're all inspired and I said that's true dad And I try to find common ground and I said because what happened was at the time of the separation And I went according to the course I just said according to the course which is something that's been real dear to me and helped me to understand these concepts is The Holy Spirit came in when we separated it was given to us, you know, etc And I want to and he goes well now that's gotta be the biggest joke. I've ever heard that that's Boy and he got up and I mean I mean this is a very powerful Powerful experience for me as I'm going through this because you have to understand I've got a father who wrote a book what is truth who's been lecturing and preaching to me all my life and now that I'm in this is really very fearful and But the power of decision is my own kept coming in because I kept wanting this lesson to be for him dad listen dad No one can suffer loss unless it's his own decision No one suffers pain except his choice elects the state for him. That's the that is the strength I did this lesson no one can grieve nor fear nor think him sick unless there's an outcome He wants and no one dies without his own consent and and I did this and and it kept coming back The power decision is my own. This is my own lesson Mary And no one dies without my own consent and nothing and I'm going but the whole time I'm walking I mean talking to myself. I'm going but But you see if he would get this lesson. I could come home and we could talk about this He loves to talk about things. We could talk about if he could get this lesson We could discuss this and then I realized that I wasn't getting this and when I get this we might be able to discuss it Control Observing my mother on Mother's Day. This is what we went through Calling everybody on the phone to go to church with her come. We're going to go to 1130 mass Mary's going to you've got to be here now get here to 1115 because we're going to go to mass come on honey We've got to go Okay. Oh, you can get ready and this is what's going on the all morning And I'm watching the control my sweet dear mother and how much control she has had over this family Then I realized Beth how much control I have had over my family I began to realize how much control I had over Steve Over my house So when we're letting go of this stuff, it's you know, it's There's a lot I've got to let go of and I that's what I'm realizing. I didn't think I was there controlling But when this the power decision is my own kept and I wanted emphatically to go read this I even left the book open when I left for my walk so he could read it Yeah, I mean do you have like in a sense to like the course is a new belief system and that now like here It is guys, you know now if you could just get this but but even the theology of how the separation happened I mean that's course theology. It has to be just theology again because you know Jesus says that there Didn't really happen at all. So he's like he's giving his own little Story that the mind can kind of grab on to as something to hold on to for a while But in the end there's an experience that will come that that all has to to fall away even the course Stories and everything but just to notice like you're saying that the whole thing of wanting to get it to be right To control You know, these are the kind of things we want to go into really deeply I wanted to just read just to go and read this one Thank you. Help us a little bit In the manual for teachers first edition page 73 second edition page 77 This is not a course in philosophical speculation, nor is it concerned with precise terminology It is concerned only with atonement or the correction of perception Then he continues on all terms are potentially controversial and those who seek controversy will find it Yet those who seek clarification will find it as well They must however be willing to overlook controversy Recognizing that it is a defense against the truth in the form of a delaying maneuver Theological considerations as such are necessarily controversial Since they depend on belief and therefore can be accepted or rejected a Universal theology is impossible, but a universal experience is not only possible, but necessary It is this experience toward which the course is directed here alone Consistency becomes possible because here alone uncertain the end and I I can relate to what you're saying because that was as I first got into the course and stuff started coming up my first inclination was to Pontificate see how how starred and underlined and read and everything you know that This is the introduction to the clarification of terms it's been helpful for me to keep coming back to that because even within Meeting people with the course if you get into the thing of trying to think well This is the proper interpretation of the course or this is what he's really teaching or you know all those kind of things It's like this these lines keep coming back to me. It's like. Oh, I'm just trying to Put this into a theological kind of a framework and that's not going to ever bring me peace So it's pretty it's pretty direct, but it really is helpful I mean that's the section to read you could read that before every time before you go visit your dad As we were talking In my defenselessness my safety lies lesson the lesson for today. There is a sentence there that I often feel like Okay, defenses are the costliest of all the prices which the ego would exact in them lies madness in a form So grim that hope of sanity seems to be an idle dream beyond the possible That sentence there has been on my mind It's like is this an idle dream that I that really isn't possible for me You know, maybe it's possible for you, but it's but then I have to come back to I Can I can play right into that with that ego weakness or I can keep the Christ's strength And that's what helped me today is okay, you know, you can sit there and be this little weak Thing that's going to go to all these doctors or you can be strong and see what you're supposed to learn from this experience You know