 Lately I've been asked frequently, how can a woman tell if a man is a keeper? Am I a keeper? Yeah, I think so. Okay, well, I appreciate that. But you know, these days women get used, they meet men that are wasting their time. So today I wanna lean into a conversation about how to differentiate those men that are gonna waste your time, those men are gonna use you, versus the guys who are a keeper. Before we do that though, I wanna say something to you and to the group out there. And that is oftentimes people say, Marie's so gorgeous, she didn't have a problem meeting a guy. And your granite, you're an attractive woman, you had lots of men interested in you, but it wasn't that easy, was it, to meet me? Well, it wasn't easy because I knew what I was looking for. And there's not a lot of guys that are open and honest and that I was finding. And I took a while after my other relationship ended because I just, I needed to heal, I needed to heal from that. And I tried going on a couple of dates and it just didn't work. And living in downtown Chicago, there's just a lot of people that dating is a sport and that's not what I was looking for. But yeah, you still met a lot of different, when I say a lot of different men. I mean, it's not like you went from your most significant relationship to me. You did the meet and greet, you met, you had dates that were you like them, but they didn't like you or vice versa, they liked you and you didn't like them. So it wasn't as if you didn't have situations where you found yourself with guys that you thought that you had a great date, but the guys never called back, right? Oh yeah, oh yeah. Or you've been, you went out, you've been talking, you've been talking and then next thing you know, radio silence, which is why you can't get discouraged because there's always gonna be those guys that are dating several people. Like, okay, I did it. I used to talk to several people at the same time. You were texting with them. And maybe you found a connection with somebody else. I just wish people would be more respectful and just be right up front and say it. Like I had a line I would tell people. Okay, but where I'm really coming from in this regard is that, you know, just because someone's attractive doesn't necessarily guarantee any greater relationship success than someone who's maybe a little less attractive because while looks might gain you a little more activity, you're still dealing with the population of dysfunctional people out there. Well, and it goes the other way when like sometimes I would find a guy super attractive and then you realize that they're hot mess. Okay. So yeah, no, I didn't, I don't think it's any different, perhaps being attractive gave you more opportunities, but I was also extremely selective and it wasn't based on looks. Okay, so in fact, it's interesting because when I hear your backstory of how you screen men, vetted them, filter them, it almost mirrors what I teach in my private coaching. You did it kind of through some of your own trial and error, but you also intuitively knew how to read people as well. I think because of your experience working in the medical field and some of your past life experience. Yeah, I think so, I don't know. I just felt that I could read through the bullshit. Okay. All right, so we're gonna talk about how to kind of differentiate the men who are the keepers versus the guys that are probably, what's the term when you catch a fish, catch and release, you got them, but you throw them back in the ocean. We're gonna talk about that for a second. So the first thing, and I've got five signs to determine if he's a keeper, the first one centers around emotional maturity. Would you say you met men that weren't very emotionally mature? I met a little bit of both. Okay, talk about that for a second while I do something on my phone. Well, I remember I was just thinking of some of the men I met. I met a really great guy. He was emotionally mature and he was very intentional, but I just wasn't ready for somebody like that. And here, so I would turn off the dating apps when I would get to that point that I just thought, even though this guy seems to be all that, I just, perhaps I just wasn't that into him, but he was a really good person and I really liked him. And then there were also a different, from an emotional maturity perspective, you met some men, I don't wanna talk about, what's it, Matt Hinge, would he be considered emotionally? Well, I never, I don't know. By the way, we have nicknames. For anyone we dated, their last name was the dating site we met them on, whether it was Hinge or Bumble or Match or Millionaire Match or whatnot. I bet my name was Jonathan Match, right? You were- So you know my last name. No, you were Jonathan and because I had already done. You met me through Millionaire Match. Yeah. By the way, folks, we both, we met on two different sites. One was match.com and one was Millionaire Match. So coming back to emotional maturity, and I was picking on this guy, you had met some people who acted immature. So I wanna talk about five, just, okay. So now we're gonna talk about the five signs he's a keeper. First sign is emotional maturity, but within emotional maturity, I have five signs for emotional maturity. So number one is actions matches words. Did my actions match my words with you? Oh yeah. Okay. I wouldn't be sitting right here. Okay, so that's a sign of emotional maturity is when someone's actions consistently match their words. Number two, they have what I call victor consciousness, not victim consciousness. A lot of people operate as a victim. They come from at it, but they're blaming their past relationships. Did you have experience in, have you ever experienced men who have victim consciousness? They're always complaining. Yes. And was that a turnoff to you? Cause I had just came out of a marriage. I wasn't sure yet. I didn't, I didn't have that knowledge yet. Okay. So you couldn't differentiate between men who were just garden variety complaining, but they were actually in this space of like blaming instead of venting. But a lot of men that have accumulated success, and then they get divorced, they, I noticed more than one man, they feel that they had to give away their money. Okay. You know, that this woman took my money and the divorce. Okay. Nevermind that you had kids and you were together for, you know, I don't know how many years. Yeah. So that's a sign of victim consciousness. If they didn't look at the relationship on some level, they blame their partner. This happens a lot. Men blame their ex-spouse, women blame their ex-spouse. I think that's victim consciousness. Number three in what I call emotional maturity is what I call fighting fair. And what this is really about is conflict resolution skills. So we had a disagreement this morning. It was a discussion. Okay. Okay. But did we, but okay. But we, we had a different point of view on something. Did we fight fair or did we get a little triggered? Oh, I thought we were fair. Okay. So one of the fundamentals of emotional maturity is when you have a difference of opinion, you listen to your partner's point of view, you acknowledge their point of view, which I think I did or you did the same for me. And then you val, then while you might not, while you might disagree with them, you at least acknowledge that their point of view is right for them. That's, I think a huge sign of emotional maturity is when you can, what I call fight fair. Number four is what I call empathy. And empathy isn't simply feeling someone else's feelings. I say empathy is actually genuinely caring about someone else's feelings. So you weren't feeling well this weekend. No. Did I genuinely want to take care of you? And did I genuinely, did your, you were in pain, did I feel pain? I don't know, I wasn't too much pain in my face. But my point is that's a sign of true empathy when you come back to me. I had a severe migraine and it was not fun. Yeah, that was not fun. And last but not least transparency. And transparency, if it's material to the relationship, an emotional grownup will share things that are material to the relationship. So if there's differences in agreements, you're going to share it. If there's something about the partner you don't like or I don't want to use the word don't like, but would like to get off your chest or just, it's about being transparent and sharing it. That's a sign of emotional maturity. And that's a sign you have a keeper. Did I? You know what? I want to throw something in there. You also have to pick and choose your battles because some things, you know, like I'm not a confrontational person, but you know, there are some things that you just go, is it that important? I think some people make mountains out of molehills. I probably do that. Well, you left the toilet seat open. No, I didn't. Did I do it again? No, I didn't. Oh my God, I try so hard not to do that. But you didn't tell me until just now, so you didn't pick in your battle. No, I haven't told you every time. Okay. Yeah. But I think I'm probably a little bit needier than you are is what I meant by that. So I tend to be a little bit making a mountain out of a molehill. You know about it. I'm throwing myself under the bus here. Okay. Number two sign that he's a keeper is does he have a generous spirit? So earlier today, and this is what I'm about to share, isn't the first time I've heard this, but I was talking to a client where she went on a date with a guy and I guess they each had a drink and the bill was, his drink was $8 for a beer and hers was $10 for wine. And he split up the bill that way. I'm like, I'm not suggesting that's cheap, but I mean, a generous spirit would either be, you know, treating the whole thing or at least splitting it in half, but I am. That would have turned me off. Yeah. But I think generous spirit also like when we began dating, I, you know, I said, hey, look, I'll pick up the airfare a few times for you coming out here because I knew it was an expense to you. Or an extra expense, what? Actually, no, you didn't pick up the airfare, you upgraded me. Oh, okay. I forgot about that. Wait, I upgraded you to first class. Well, I felt bad that you were digging a really early flight and you had to get up really early in the morning. By the way, it wasn't that expensive to upgrade. It was only $150. Now that I remember it. Yeah, Americans cheaper and united. No, united, I forgot which one. That was American. That was American was cheaper because you had a status. So, but demonstrating does the man have a generous spirit? Be on the look for that. Number three, does he take care of himself physically and financially? Okay. I think taking, you know, the reality is there's a lot of people in midlife just let themselves go. Men and women alike. I would agree. And I'm assuming you met men that let themselves go. Well, actually you wouldn't meet them. Well, I did meet some that weren't in, that weren't in very good shape, but it wasn't about being in good shape. It's just their health. Yeah. You know, I was very health conscious. Yeah. I was very health conscious. And, you know, so I liked being at the gym. Okay. So I think someone who takes care of themselves physically and also financially. And what that means is they don't necessarily have to be rich, but they need to be able to take care of themselves. And I was reading with you earlier today, someone who just lost, it was a man who reached out to me and shared they had just lost his job and he's dealing with so many things in his life. I don't think he's a good candidate to be in relationship with until you get your house in order. And I think it's important to pay attention for that. Yeah. I always said, I wasn't looking, you know, like, like I said, we, we met on millionaire match. And if you don't know what that side is like, it's, you know, some people there, you know, say they're millionaires, but it's not really four millionaires. It's just that because it's a little bit more expensive, you get people that are more intentional in, in dating. And, but I wasn't looking for a millionaire. I wanted somebody that was financially responsible. Yeah. Not to say that everyone on the site is that, but it tends to lend themselves for that. So I think it's important to look at, does he take care of himself physically financially? And I should say emotionally, but I already covered that in the first one. Number four, do you feel open to being yourself with him? Well, that's, that has to be, to me, that's way up there. Well, that's, well, these aren't in any particular order, but ultimately, have you ever gone out with somewhere where you just didn't feel like you could be yourself? No, there was just some, some people that you just realized within two minutes that this is not someone you want in your life. So why, why invest? Well, but beyond that, you know, I think one of the things we talked about very early on was we felt safe with one another emotionally speaking. And more importantly, there's a sense, well, our relationship doesn't have these significant butterflies and it's like skyrockets all the time. Our relationship was a little bit different. Well, I don't mean the way it started, but where it's at today. Like we said, the number one feeling that we experience is comfort, peace, ease. Like that's what it should feel like. So when I have women write me habitually about a man that they're in a relationship with and all I hear is unease, well, there's something there and it needs to be addressed. And that is, why do you feel so uneasy? And could it be, he's just not the right guy for you? Yeah, it's fear. I think it's fear because they're afraid if they show themselves they might not be, he might break up with them. Well, then he wasn't the right guy. So coming back to emotional maturity, transparency, that's a sign of emotional maturity. If a person isn't speaking up when they don't feel good about the relationship, that's like if for fear that that person will leave, then you're not being emotionally mature either. Correct. Okay. And last but not least, number five. Does he appreciate you even when you're at your worst? Okay, now I wanna clarify that. I'm not talking Amber heard worst, okay? I'm not talking about where someone has literally clinical issues and they have borderline personality and one minute they're your best friend and the next minute you're their enemy. I'm not talking about that kind of worst. I'm talking about what happened this weekend where you had this horrific migraine. Yeah, there was a time yesterday when I just, I just wanted to go to the emergency room. I just, it was a horrible, horrible feeling. And it's one of those days where you hang out in your pajamas all day and couldn't have looked worse, couldn't have felt worse. And he was there bringing me soup and helping me find ways to feel better. We binged watch too. But my point is when a man can genuinely appreciate you when he can be supportive of you, even when you're not your best, you don't have the makeup on, you're not looking, not that it's about looks but you're not feeling your best. That's a great sign that you're with someone. That's a keeper. So does that make me a keeper? I guess it does. You say that with reluctance. So I just wanna remind everyone, look at these aren't absolutes, what I just shared. What's most important though, was the one that where Marie said, this is the top of the list. How do you really feel with this person? Do you feel safe? Do you feel at peace? Do you feel comfort? Or are you feeling anxiety? Are you feeling uncertainty? Or be careful of feeling that limerence, that butterflies and whatnot because that's oftentimes just a sign of unhealthy anxiety. And a real keeper is someone where you can be your true self. You can be your authentic self. Would you agree? I would agree. Sometimes when you meet somebody and you're both trying to feel each other out to see if you would be a fit. Like, okay, we're gonna go back to Matt Hinge. Great looking guy and attorney. He just, he had a nice resume but all he did was go from bar to bar to bar in Chicago. And I thought, I'm not gonna be doing that. That's not how I wanna live my life. So this was really not feeling comfortable with his lifestyle. It wasn't kind of aligned with the way your lifestyle is. Got it, got it, got it. But I enjoyed hanging out with him that one day. Yeah. Well, he didn't make the cut and thankfully he didn't so I could come in and sweep you off your feet. So, all right, folks. That's our content portion of what we just shared. Now it's time for Q and A. For those that know what my format or our format, I should say if you have a question for Marie or I simply write the word question and post the question thereafter or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat or Super Thanks if you're watching the replay. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there. He's my son who passed away almost five years ago and in his honor we donate to causes like the Hoffman Process and Insight Institute just to name a few. So again, if you have a question, write the word question or purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All right, let's see what we have here. Someone did ask a question related to generosity. I saw it a moment ago. She said, what is a generous spirit? And I wanted to identify that for a second. People with generous spirit are, like we were talking about givers and takers, you know? And givers are the ones that like, okay, we talked about even though the dating process, it's one thing when a man says I'd like to take you out. But it's another thing when a woman says, can I contribute? At least you're demonstrating that you have a generous spirit. If it's coming from a place of sincerity, if it's coming from a place of obligation, then it's not sincere. I'm using that as an example if a woman did that. But even the man saying I wanna take you out and treat you that at least demonstrates a generous spirit. It is and it doesn't only have to be with money, like I went out with someone that, you know, he stopped the car suddenly and crossed the street to help an old lady sweep up some leaves because the lady had a broken arm. And I thought, wow, that's a generous guy. Like he saw her pulled over, he didn't say anything, he just pulled over. So I have a client who, I'm sorry I interrupted you, but I have a client who met someone and she found out on their first date that he gave a kidney to a total stranger. They have a kidney to a total stranger. Like who does that, right? Or maybe on the shows we watch, the doctor shows. I guess I'm not that generous. But there's something, and by the way, right off the bat, she knew he had good character. At least that demonstrates good character, people that have a generous spirit versus takers versus the givers. So I just wanted to respond to that comment I saw earlier. By the way, Christine writes, hi, dynamic duo, second chances. Timing has a lot to do with things. Sometimes right person, wrong time. Can you revisit thoughts? Thank you for your transparency and guidance. So we've talked about timing before. Do you want to talk about that for a second? Yeah, so like right when I ended my last relationship, you know, you meet people and then once you've healed and you've moved forward and life happens, you always wonder had I met him when I was like totally healed, it would have been a better time. It wasn't that he... You talking about me? No, I was just, I'm talking about somebody that I met that perhaps if I would have met him two years later, I would have been more open to him. Well, I think even in our dynamic, we met technically what we connected, I should say we didn't meet. We could have met a year prior. Yeah, a year prior, actually six months prior. But I don't think when you came out to Los Angeles in November and we eventually met in May, I was going through some stuff at that time. Timing was off. So I do believe timing plays a huge role in the success of a relationship. So, Christiane, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. Here's one of the members from my private group called Midlife Love Mastery. By the way, there's a link below to join my private group. This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis. This is one of our members who wrote in. I'm not sure that paying less to self is true for all. I'm 55 now. I'm more committed to taking care of myself physically and financially. I'm having my best life single and open. You're on point. Well, again, I do believe, you know, here's the thing. I know a lot of people aren't in a good place in their life, especially after COVID. I think most importantly, a man has to be in a good place in his life financially because if the ground underneath them isn't solid, I don't think it has to always be true for women so much so as it is for men because men traditionally have been the provider protectors. But at the same time, if you're meeting a guy whose life isn't solid financially or even physically, I don't think he's a good candidate. Yeah, absolutely. I'm just thinking of myself. Because I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship, I joined all these travel groups and I traveled the world and that filled me. So she's talking about being in a good place in her life because I thought, well, maybe I'll meet somebody in one of those groups and maybe it didn't happen, but I met a lot of great people and had a great time. I continued to live my life. And I actually, one of the things that I told people is having ended my previous relationship was the best thing that ever happened because I lived a better life after that. When I thought my world was falling apart when that ended. It's so much easier now connecting the dots going backward, but at the time you're in emotional chaos and whatnot, you think you're never going to feel great. I know I went through a period where I went to bed wishing I didn't wake up. We've all gone through that. And well, the thing is, until you actually go through it, I was in depression. Yeah, emotional pain, I think is worse than physical pain. Yeah, and so through that period of time, and now I look back and I'm like, how did I ever feel? Like now I want to live a lot because you're in my life now. I want to live as long as I can possibly, healthy, live healthily, healthily, healthy for as long as possible. Okay, thanks for that post. I really appreciate it. By the way, you know, here's what Medina says. Can you read that? Mr. Ashley is a keeper. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Thank you so much. I appreciate that. Oh, wait a minute. What does Leaf say? Jonathan's a keeper. Well, can I say you're a keeper? All right, let's keep going here. Mel says I absolutely agree with Jonathan. All right, let's keep going here. Natural says I feel this at ease, calming feeling when I'm around him. And he notices I finally came out of the clouds. I didn't notice it. I just felt how happy being around him. Yay, that's exactly how you should feel. All right, let's keep going. Okay, Becca writes question. If a guy want to meet you only once a week after two months of dating, is that a bad sign? I have a comment, but I'd like to hear what you think. Okay, I have a guy best friend that he's in his fifties, has a child, never been married, actually he's 60. He had, we would talk about all this stuff and he would say that some girls were only Monday or Tuesday girls and maybe every other week. And I used to get really upset at that. I'm like, why are you wasting their time? He was like, because it's a Monday or Tuesday. So I don't think that that's correct. If someone's really into you, they're gonna make the times, they're gonna give you their time because they wanna get to know you better. Okay, so this is gonna sound a little like a judgment, not of your friend, but if you allow someone to only see you once a week or at their beck and call, while shame on him, but shame on you for accepting it. Ladies, I'm here to encourage, be in your power. Ladies, many of you give your power away to men. It's one of the things I talk about in my private coaching incessantly. By the way, if you want some support with that, right? Here's a link to schedule a discovery call with me. There's a link below to schedule a call with me. Folks, I'm here to shift from this way of giving your power away to a man. You are in charge of your relationship, Destiny. It's not up to a guy. So if you're a friend who, he's a good guy, but he could do that because women would let him do that. Well, he's attractive, he's wealthy. And so, but his thing was, okay, well, what about that girl? He goes, oh yeah, yeah, she's a Monday or Tuesday girl. I'm like, what does that mean? Well, it means that first off, he's non-committal and there's other things going on. I don't wanna throw him under the bus too much. But again, going back to your original question, Becca, if he only wants to see you once a week after two months of dating, then you have to listen, follow my coaching program called the rules of engagement. And by the way, I hope you're not having sex with him. And if you are, if you're having sex with this guy, then you better be clear on what it is you both want. Ask him what type of relationship he's looking for, what does commitment look like for him? And also what does commitment mean to him? Ask him these radically honest questions. Lay your cards on the table. In fact, that's part of what an emotional, remember I said earlier about being with an emotional grownup, when you're with an emotional grownup, you can lay your cards on the table, you can practice radical honesty and you can establish the rules of engagement. And I'm a tough guy on this stuff. You know, a lot of women, I think, don't do that. And the reason they don't do that is because, okay, they give their power away. So they think, okay, this is a good looking guy or he's a good catch or whatever. If I just hang in long enough, he'll see my value. He'll see me and he'll want me and I won't be just a Monday or Tuesday girl. I might make it to Saturday. Well, listen, you're at the two month mark. If you're having sex and you want to have a relationship where you see each other more often, express it or move on. Okay, Becca, thank you so much for that question. Kathy writes, question men who say, wait, men who say he was blindsided by previous relationship breakdown, are they lying or deflecting or emotionally immature? Your thoughts, please. To me, it's a red flag. So they were blindsided by their previous relationship breakdown. Okay. Well, I think, you know, it's interesting. Well, you've been blindsided before, but you kind of knew something was off. I'm talking about- I wasn't blindsided. Okay, so someone who says they're blindsided means they're not paying attention to the relationship in and of itself. I mean, yes, there are people who hide infidelity and they might be blindsided by that. And certainly if a man is with a woman who ends the relationship, there's probably, hopefully she was transparent and said, why? But if she made a valid case for why the relationship ended and that feels like a blindside, then I would say how active involved was he in the relationship to be blindsided by it? Am I making sense? Yeah, but some, I just, I thought of something. There was a gal that worked for me and her husband, they had been married for 10 years or something. The husband came in to speak to my then husband to ask for advice, because his wife just asked for a divorce and he was clueless, like clueless. And her reasoning was he doesn't take me out. So it goes with emotional maturity. I don't know how long you- Yeah, you're together and he hasn't asked you out in five years and you haven't once spoken up. You haven't said, hey, we never go out. Yeah, I mean, are you expressing what's going on and is he paying attention? I think a lot of couples are, they're almost robots in relationship. They're going through the motions, especially longer-term relationships, where they lack a sense of appreciation for one another. Now, one of the things I am probably a little bit adamant about with us is I continually reinforce the words, I appreciate you. And this is what I appreciate about you. I think it's why I'm saying this is you won't be blindsided when your two people are actively appreciating each other. You're giving each other attention, you're giving each other affection, you're giving each other appreciation called the three A's, do you have something to share? Well, she's asking when a guy says that. You know, the guy may have been blindsided, but he may have just been blind to what was going on in his household. It's exactly it. But it also may be like that gal that worked for me that she just never brought it up. And then one day she decided, oh, I had enough of this. Never mind, they had two kids, you know? So it's sad when people feel blindsided, but they're just as culpable. Exactly, exactly. All right, I wanna jump in. Nicole writes, there wasn't a question. Have you, when you have said there is an exit clause with older women, younger men, matchups, if the older woman is still able to have a baby for the younger man, do you think older women, younger men can work? All right, so what she's addressing is something you may not have heard me say this before. Why younger men like older women? Well, one of the things is older women are not as much of a pain in the ass as younger women. I'm talking about 22-year-old women versus, you know, 40-year-old women. And what I mean is emotional pain in the ass. And by the way, please forgive me if that offends or triggers anyone. But one of the things I said is women who are older tend to like sex more, especially with a younger person. But a younger man has what's called an escape clause. When he's used this person, he can go and say, I wanna have a baby with someone now and exit out of the relationship. Now, in this particular case, can it work? Absolutely it can work. I know many people who have met, I know a man who was 27, he met his wife, or now wife, and she was 17 years older than him. So it absolutely- My cousin in Columbia. Which one? The one that's pregnant. Oh yeah, what's the age difference? It's an eight-year age difference, but- 30 and she's 42 and he's like 33 or something? Something like that, 32. Yeah, and she thought she couldn't have kids because of issues she had had. And then a week later she was pregnant. Turns out she was pregnant. Yeah. So yes, it is absolutely possible. But I will tell you, some men, especially when we're dealing with men that are in their 30s with women in their 45s and 50-year-old, I'm talking about the women who can't have babies. That's a great exit clause for these men because they can always say, oh, I want to have a child with someone and he can end the relationship and there's not much you can do about it. But see, women can do that as well. Like, I've met- Okay. Way back, I met men that the first thing they say is, are you willing to have kids? And the first thing I respond is, I have four, I'm done. Yeah. My tubes are tied, I'm done. Okay. All right, so thank you so much for that post. Okay, Ren writes question. People always say I'm very beautiful and get very well, wait, and I get very well-known smiling at me. But they do not talk to me, but bad men, as it transpired, come to talk to me. I don't know. So, well, I'm sure you've had men that you, I don't like using the term bad men, but you've had men that you weren't interested come up and talk to you, right? Because you're attractive. Yes. Okay, and what would you say to someone if you're not interested? No, I was always very nice, but I don't know. You can tell when someone doesn't really wanna talk to you. I really enjoyed talking to people that would come up and they didn't rely on their looks. Actually, you told me a lot of men, when you used to go out every Monday night to win your Manola Blancos or whatever Christian Louboutin shoes, there was a raffle every Monday night at this bar in Chicago for a $1,000 pair of shoes, you'd go. But you said there were a lot of times men that weren't your type or weren't attracted to you would come up and talk to you. You actually found them to be more enjoyable because they weren't, you know, they weren't all Rico Suave on you. Yeah. Well, that's true, though. So, if you're saying that these good-looking guys or attractive guys smile at you, but don't come up to you, maybe you, if you really want to, maybe you can go start a conversation with them. I have a friend of mine. She, speaking of older woman, younger man, she was at, this was years ago, she was at a bar and she saw this really cute guy and she threw an ice cube at him. And he was like, what just happened? And you'd like, you know, she smirked a little bit. Well, they end up having a conversation. They end up dating for a few years and there was probably a 12 or 13 year age difference. But she threw an ice cube to get his attention. Hey. You know, so, yes, by the way, you emailed me first. I know you don't like that. I bring that up. By the way, Andrea- You weren't the only one, okay? I know you emailed other guys. By the way, Andrea says, I like your matching blue shirts. Thank you so much. Actually, mine is purple. It just looks- Oh, that's right. It's purple. I'm wearing blue. You see the difference here. Okay. Question from one of our face group group members. Question for Jonathan. After your divorce, at what point did you feel emotionally matured? IG, how long after your divorce? When you met me. Two weeks before I met you. I would say, so right after my divorce, which was right around the time the market crashed around 2007, I started to go in a downward trajectory that lasted about three years emotionally. Now I was actively dating during that period of time. And then about 2011, I met a woman and I started to come out of my emotional depression and we were together for on and off for six years. I would say it wasn't until I did the Hoffman process. It wasn't until I did Insight Institute, really, which was the impetus, which I'm gonna promote my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway, A Journey of Personal Development, Self-Help and Spiritual Work. It kind of outlines here in the book my journey of going from the dark night of the soul till actually getting to a place. And it really wasn't until Connor passed away that I actually did even a deeper dive into what does it really mean to love? Because when you lose a child, you're experiencing one of the most devastating things in life. And it really caused me to ask the question, what is love? And what would love do when you're in pain? And when I mean by what would love do, it's funny, we were watching a show about the passion of Christ and we're watching another one and about Christ and he was saying, he was just simply saying what would love do? Like that's how, so when I began saying that to myself, that's when I got out of my funk. So anyway, and then I met you. All right, thank you for that question. I really appreciate it. Let's see, Denise has a two-part question. Question two parts. You said that unless someone who clinically has BPD, blah, blah, blah, it took a lot for me to watch you with my boyfriend at the time. Now you say BPD. Let me see what the second part of this question is. Anyway, my boyfriend laughed at me just now because you said verified his negative behavior towards me. Will you please learn a little more about mental health before blanket statements? All right, I was saying something in jest earlier. So, but what I did say, yeah, I was joking about that. First off, that's not anyone who has a clinical, emotional health issue. I'm not, and it's diagnosed what I'm saying is I'm not here to even remotely say they're not capable of being in a relationship or not. What I was differentiating was people that might have a propensity to be your best friend one moment and your worst enemy the next moment versus someone that's just having a tiff that moment. That's what I was differentiating. So, to answer your question, let's see, starshine writes, hi, Jonathan and Marie. You two are lovely together. I agree with Marie that emotional, thank you. Is emotional pain is the most painful feeling I've gone through. It can lead to broken heart and heart problems indeed. Yes. Although losing a child is pretty bad too. Question for Marie. Before meeting your soulmate, Jonathan, did unhealthy men contact you from dating apps? Marie, you are gorgeous and sultry and physically fit. I'm in no way physically fit like you are and I attract men who are serious mental conditions from dating apps. Okay. I think all those men with serious mental conditions, they contacted me too. You just, you have to weed through the stuff. Not everybody was somebody that I would even contemplate. You know, in the beginning when you first start dating apps or, and I'm not talking about like the swiping type and where someone sent you a message, I would respond with a really nice message and a couple of times I got something really angry, sent back to me and then I didn't say anything that should trigger that. And I would, you know, take a screenshot of it and send it to match or whatever it was to say, hey, you know, this guy's nuts. So I don't, they're out there and it's learning how to stay away from those types of people. Well, it's interesting because I once had a woman write me an email and I remember reading it at seven in the morning and I looked at her profile and I wasn't interested in her, but I always made it a practice that if a woman emailed me, I'd always write a very thank you, no thank you email. So I went for my usual, my morning jog like it was at 7.30. And by the time I got back to my computer, like say an hour and a half later, there was this nasty message from this person. And by the way, she wrote me this glowing message of how she loved my profile and how great I am and blah, blah, blah. And then this nasty message saying, I can't believe you looked at my profile and didn't even have the time to respond to it, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, that's someone I think has a mental health issue. I'm sorry, someone who, yeah. But the point is, the only reason why I didn't respond was I went for a jog. I saw the message. Well, I immediately sent a report to match because I didn't want someone who would be completely unhinged. Yeah, there are people that have clinical issues that can approach us online. That's a nature of it. We can have scam artists that approach us online. So one of the reasons why we talked about background checks in our last video, the importance to do that because we're meeting total strangers. And quite frankly, when you're meeting strangers, doing a little homework about the person makes sense. I know I'm going off tangent here, but let me just say whether it's men or women, there are a lot of people that lose it in the online data. Just to wrap that up, I didn't do background checks on everybody. Because sometimes I didn't even know their last names. Oh, okay, got it. Yeah, so I just, I went and I saw them, but if it's somebody that I'm questioning whether we're gonna go out again, I would do a background check just to see if everything they said to me matched up. And there was a guy that I went out with a few times and then I later, I'm not even sure if he was single. He seemed to be married. I had one woman who reached out to me. She claimed, she told me this whole story. She had a dream about a young man. Like she was describing my son who passed away and she's telling me a dream that she had lunch with a young man that was at Benny Hanna's and the man told her to date her father. And she's telling me this story. And I'm like, oh, by the way, we met through Facebook, Facebook dating app. That would creep me out. So I told Tammy that and she goes, do you know this person could have just been looking at your Facebook profile, noticed that you took Connor out to lunch. And all she gave me was her first name. But it was an unusual first name. So I did a background check on her. Everything she told me was like false. And all I had was her first name and I just did a general search. But so sometimes you have to be creative and use Google because it can be a great place. Anyways, let's move on from that one. All right, Powder writes, question, will a spender ever turn into a grower committed guy? He's 61 divorced once in widow. So a spender, the man who wants companionship, connection and sex, but he's not ready for commitment. Can that change? Yes, but I wouldn't hold my hat on someone who wants to take it slow, wants to see where things go. She's talking about a spender is it gonna change his way? No, a spender is in my coaching, a user, a spender and a grower builder. Spenders are people that spend time with you, but they're non-committal. I was thinking they spend their money. No, no, no, that's not a spender. A spender in my world, the users, the love bombers, the players, the growers and builders, they want a full committed relationship. They grow with you and the spenders are usually, they want companionship, they want connection, they want sex, but they're non-committal. Can they change? I wouldn't hold my hat on someone who clearly says, I don't want a serious relationship. That should at least be your barometer of someone who wants a serious relationship. And then what are they doing to progress the relationship forward? We talked about a guy you were with at one point that says, let's take things slow. While he was taking slow, another guy came in and I took you away. So anyway. All right. Let's keep swimming. Someone says she got pregnant at 48. Yes, that is absolutely possible. All right, let's keep going. Here's Tanya says, question for Marie. What advice would you give to an over 10 year divorced woman who has reservations on dating seriously again? Well, I think you have to figure out why you have reservations because do you want to spend the rest of your life alone? Are you okay alone? Do you have a good network of friends and you feel fine being alone? Then there's nothing wrong with that. I have relatives that we talked about it when it's just a huge network of women and they're all, some are married, some are divorced and they just have each other and they throw parties and they do stuff. And I admire that. If you're happy with that, that's fine. But if you want a relationship, you got to put yourself in the game. If you're not in the game, then you can't complain if you really do want to find a relationship. So I think of the show Golden Girls and they were still out there going out on dates and stuff and I guess it's not like it is today. Here's the thing. Whether we like it or not folks, we have to be strategic in dating today. You cannot passively do this. It's almost impossible to meet someone if you are either ambivalent about it, you're ambiguous about it, you have to have a strategy. That's what I do for a living. So check out the link below to a discovery call with me. And you have to be intentional. You were intentional. You put together a great profile. You took really quality pictures. You sent out emails to men that were of interest to you and you were intentional about it. Once I got the message, I took the ball and ran with it, but at least you made effort. And without effort, how is anything ever gonna happen in your life? You have to make effort to get a job. You have to write a resume. You have to go out on interviews. It's no different. And to be enough to think otherwise is not just naive. It's delusional thinking. I'm sorry to say it that way, but whether we like it or not, it requires massive effort to make a relationship happen these days. Yeah, and going back into the dating world when you've been out of it, it's a scary thing. It really is a scary thing. So you have to also make sure you have a great attitude because if you don't have a great attitude, it's going to show. And remember we talked about when I went to a match.com event and I had to leave because some women were just, they just didn't have a great attitude towards men. And you never want that either. I mean, I gave everybody the benefit of the doubt. And it didn't matter whether they were attractive or not. If they were nice, that was nice back to them. If they were jerks, I still smile and walk away. So it's interesting because I said this on a previous video with you. I used to go on dates and I could see, I could be sitting across from a woman at a restaurant and I could see every man that ever hurt her standing behind her. They were literally the ghosts of all the men because the energy she put out said, I've been hurt. Now, Tanya, I know that's not what you said. It's been 10 years. Look, it is a pain in the butt to date. Let's be realistic. Look at your significant relationship. It took you five years to meet me. And while you met some really nice men, you didn't have a significant relationship. My significant relationship ended five years before I met you. And it took effort. We went on dates. We met on meet and greets. We sometimes liked someone and they didn't like us. And sometimes they liked us and we didn't like them. And we made the effort to make it happen. Yeah. You still have to put yourself out there if that's what you're looking for. Yeah. All right, Tanya, great question. All right, we'll take one more before we wrap up tonight. Let's keep swimming. Oh, there's a lot of people having a conversation. All right, this will probably be the last for the evening. Question, with your clients who utilize your dating vows with their partner approximately, how many successful outcomes have you typically seen? That's a great question. So, folks, I'm going to read my dating vows for everyone just to give you some backstory. For anyone who's ever watched the show, The Big Bang Theory, I believe Sheldon and his girlfriend had something called the Relationship Rules. And he had a lit, this was a, you ever watched the show? I never watched the show. Okay, this is a guy who's a brainiac. I mean, the smartest of smarts. And he has his, he's like, he's kind of like the good Dr. Sean. Yeah. In that he had this list of like 50 things required in the relationship. Well, my dating vows is something similar to that. What the dating vows are is before you give your heart to a man and you've decided you're going to explore a relationship with someone, you recite both of these together. And it goes like this. And by the way, anyone interested in this schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you? I will send you a copy of the dating vows if you schedule a discovery call with me. So it goes like this. I agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious in the next three to six months. I agree to be monogamous sexually while we have regular sex together. I agree not to actively seek and to meet and date others while we're in the dating process, including taking down our dating profiles. I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus ghosting, pulling away or disappearing. And I agree to invest regular time together in the process of getting to know each other, which looks like shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, traveling and that sort of thing. That's my dating vows, okay? Again, if you want a copy, schedule a discovery call with me. All right. And by the way, he read that to me on our third date. And? And at first I thought, okay, this is weird. I've never had somebody want me to sign a contract. You don't sign anything, but it felt like a contract. But then I thought, yeah, why not? I mean, that's... Well, all I'm saying is how did two grownups date? If, listen, ladies, if the man wants his penis inside your vagina, I know you're not a big fan of me saying that, but if he wants to have regular sex, you have every right to establish some rules of engagement. This is what I talk about in my coaching. So how successful is it? Well, I will tell you this. I had a client who just emailed me yesterday morning with a photo of her and I wonder if I should, I can pull that out. Oh, I already said that. Okay. No, she gave me permission to share the picture. I'll post a picture of it on the community page. I've had clients tell me they've read this to men and a lot of men are turned off by it because these men aren't serious, but the men who are genuinely serious go, wow, you just made my job easier for me. Like all the work I do with clients, my clients show the paperwork to the men. Like I have one client who's now has a boyfriend. He goes, can I call Jonathan to thank him for all the work he's done with you because he made my job easier? What? I was just thinking in my friend with one of his Monday or Tuesday girls, if she would have read this to him, he would have said, yeah, I don't think so, goodbye. Because he treats her like a Monday or Tuesday girl. So this is a weeding out process. 90% of guys aren't going to want to follow it, but these are the 90% that are dysfunctional users and they don't want a serious relationship with you. Anyway, all right, today we covered a lot about what it takes to keep, to determine who's a keeper. I'm grateful because I have a keeper in my life. Oh, thank you. You're a keeper too. Oh, thank you. Folks, oh, folks, I think, I hope you had value in this. If you did, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Go to the description below to schedule a discovery call with me to join my group called Midlife Love Mastery to check out all the books I typically recommend. We didn't recommend too many books today. As always, if you have something to say, post a comment as well. And we're gonna wrap up this video as I always do whenever you're my guest. Can I give you a big gigantic John the Bear hug? Yes, please. Can I get one back? Absolutely. Thank you, sweetheart. Folks, thanks a bunch. I wanna thank KB and Hillary and Andrea and Wanda and Denise and Jennifer and Starshine and Elena and Kahlua, if I butchered your name, Tasha, Jennifer, Lily, Hammond. Everyone, thanks so much. Have a fabulous evening. Bye now. Bye. We're going out to dinner now. Yay.