 Hi, I'm Dick Simmons from the popular web series Red vs. Blue. And I'm Doc from the same show. It's no secret that money can be complicated and scary, especially if you don't know a lot about finances. I know I have people asking me all the time what they should do with their money. Wait, people actually ask you that? Griff does? Constantly. Yeah, but you keep saying to put it in a 401k. Whatever that means, it sounds like a cereal. You might sometimes hear scary words thrown around like, recession, inflation, and stock market crash. So we thought we'd help you out with a handy guide. It can be easy to be intimidated by finances and investing, but once you understand the ins and outs, it's really not so bad. For instance, the root word of recession is recess, which we all know is really fun and it's a great time for social and emotional development. Huh, that's weird. I always associate recess with bullying and now I spend lots of money on therapy. Some would call that an investment. See, we're learning things already. There are lots of different ways to invest your money. First up, the stock market. That's right, the age-old way of investing. Actually, it's fairly recent. The U.S. Stock Exchange only started in the late 18th century. Oh, well it may be young, but it's super reliable. As the old adage goes, stonks only go up. Sort of, you know, except when they don't. It's crashed like four different times and a lot of people lost everything. Okay, well four times in a couple of hundred years isn't like the worst odds. Actually, all of those happened in the last 100 years. Huh, so what's good about owning stocks? Well, the stock market allows you to buy shares in a company. If the value of the company goes up, your share becomes worth more. If it drops, the shares also drop in value. Ever wanted to own super tiny pieces of your least favorite pharmaceutical plastic manufacturer? Heck yeah, I own lots of Pharma Platco. Question, what decides whether a company is worth more or less? Uh, well, lots of factors. How much profit they're making or like how much people think they could be making. Or sometimes reddit posts. Sometimes it's just reddit posts. A lot of that sounds made up. Kind of? The trick is to find something that gains a lot of value and then get out while the getting's good. So, if I create a company that a lot of people really believe in. Uh huh. And then they give it a large valuation. Doing great so far. I could sell my shares and make a whole lot of money. Yup. So the trick is. Oh, you're still going? To invent a time machine. Uh huh. And go back in time. Uh. And create a time machine company. Okay, you took a left turn there. And then come back to now when the company will be worth way more money. I guess that'd be a way to do it. I'll be right back. If all that sounds way too foolproof for you, there's a much more foolish way to invest your money. Throwing it into the digital slot machine known as cryptocurrency. Okay, cryptocurrency has had a bad rap in recent internet history. It's different from owning stock which gives you shares of an actual company whose dollar amount is determined by the number of shares and the valuation of the company. But let's try this pitch out. Have you ever wanted to own something that wasn't real but still had value? I mean, theoretical value. Cryptocurrencies are digital assets that are incredibly volatile. However, that volatility could potentially make you rich if you buy the right cryptocurrency. So, how do you know which one is the right one? Well, you can't. It's basically a digital free-for-all filled with scams and meme dollars and maybe some viable options for digital currency for the future if a lot of people decide to adopt it around the world. That sounds pretty sad. The unadopted cryptocurrencies must be lonely. They are. Which is why you can sponsor or adopt a cryptocurrency right now. Every night, millions of innocent cryptocurrencies around the world go to bed without having robbed any one of their life savings. Is that really the future you want for them? This month, we're featuring these starving RVB NFTs for a low monthly price of two Simmons bucks. Simmons bucks? I'm telling you, they're the future, man. Look it up. But what if the only currency I carry is the balloons and the dental records of my slain enemies? The dental records? Well, I don't carry around their teeth. That would be weird. Sarge brings up a good point. There are some physical assets out there like gold or the balloons, I guess, that retain value over time, which is another potential investment. Sarge, you're an old person. Well, thank you for noticing. Do you have any tips for how to invest money? And who now? You know, investing money. I mean, surely you've got some kind of retirement. Oh yeah, all that went to ammo. Oh, you mean you invested in an ammunition company? No, I mean all my retirement money went to buy ammo for the military. They can always use more of that. Guilty as charged. You give away your retirement fund to the army? Duh, Doc McStuffins. What else was I gonna do with it? I don't know, retire? But I'm in my best fruitin', tootin', and shootin' years. OK, well, here's the next step of our guide. Don't give away all of your retirement to the military. Ah, I didn't give it all away. What did you do with the rest of it? I hid it for safekeeping. Honestly, it's not the worst idea. Have you guys seen the market? Except for some company called My Time Travel Company Rules Co. It's really popping off. Uh, gentlemen.