 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, and first in television, presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevalet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Ruse, and Whitfield, Walter Sharpen is music, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Marriage is a wonderful thing when the persons involved are suited for each other. When they're not, it can be a big mistake. Tonight, Phil tries to stop such a mistake, but more about that later. First a word from RCA Victor. Baseball's back, and all over the country, you fans will be going out to the ballpark to support your favorite team. And when you can't get to the games, watch them on RCA Victor television. Every 1953 RCA Victor brings you big, bright pictures that are true to life, because every RCA Victor receiver has the improved deep image picture tube, and the better-than-ever magic monitor circuit system that brings in and holds the finest pictures automatically. And here's more good news you may not realize. You can own 1953 RCA Victor television for as little as $199.95. Think of it. For the price of an ordinary set, you can own the RCA Victor Wain, a big 17-inch table model set with its advanced features. And remember this. When you buy one of the new RCA Victor television sets, you can enjoy the world's best installation and maintenance through the purchase of an RCA Victor factory service contract. This exclusive coast-to-coast factory service is another reason why every year, more people buy RCA Victor than any other television. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Last night, Alice's brother William became engaged to be married. Alice and Phil don't know about it yet, and William has just arrived at the Harris home to tell them the good news. Well, Wallace, Philip, I rushed over here as fast as I could to tell you the news. What news? Oh, you'll never believe it. Never. Oh, wait till I tell you. Just wait. We're waiting. We're waiting. Tell us what happened. Last night, I plighted my troth. It serves your right. You know, you shouldn't lift anything heavy. You got a week back and them troth muscles are easily plighted. Philip, you don't understand. Last night, I plighted my troth, and tomorrow I'm entering connubial bliss. Well, why don't you go to a good hospital like Cedars 11? I give up. Nessus, what do you think of the news? Well, I think it's wonderful. What's wonderful? He's going to get married. In his condition? This kid's a physical wreck. Willie, what kind of a girl would marry you? She's a very lovely girl. Oh, just wait till you see Chloe. Well, I'll be very happy to... Chloe? That explains why she wants to marry you. She's been in that swamp so long, she's forgotten what a man's supposed to look like. Willie, Willie, what does your fiancé look like? Oh, oh, Alice, she is a lovely thing. And I'm very lucky to get her, of course. She too was lucky to have caught me. Yeah, she'd have been luckier if she'd stayed in that swamp with a reed in her mouth. Hey, Willie, how long have you known this alligator wrestler? Yes, when did you meet this girl, Willie? Well, I only met her a week ago. We were introduced at a party and she fell for me. I remember the hostess said, Chloe, I want you to meet William Fay. And she fell for you right away? No, no, no, no, no, not that fast. It was my personality that got her. It's, it's, it's amazing. All I said was one little word and she fell madly in love with me. Yeah? What'd you say? Well, after we were introduced, she said, are you William Fay, the brother of the wealthy Alice Fay? I said, yes, and the next thing I knew she was in my arms. Oh, the passion I must have in my voice. Or oh, the money your sister has in the bank. Willie, I hate to say this, but I think this girl is a fortune hunter. Oh, sis, how can you say a thing like that? Chloe is not interested in money. She said she loves me because of my brain. She thinks I have a good head on my shoulders. Oh, I see. She ain't a fortune hunter. She's a head hunter. You do have a very unusual shape, Noggin. Yes, sir, that ought to shrink down pretty good. Unscrew it. Let me have a look at it. My, this is a collector's item. I haven't seen a head like this since 3.2 beer. I'll give him back his head. I mean, leave it. You two find out how wrong you are about Chloe when you meet her. She's coming over here at four o'clock and I thought we'd all have tea together. Oh, goodie. We're all going to orange pico it up. Hey, Willie, it's almost four o'clock now. Why didn't you tell me? Oh, I was so excited. Just let my mind. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, that must be Chloe now. Oh, and Alice, will you please let her in? I want to straighten my hair and comb my tie. Very well. I'll let her in. Hey, Alice. Hey, wait a minute, honey. I got to go with you. I can't wait to get a look at this game. I wonder what she's like. You know, from what Willie said, she must be a gold digger. She just wants to marry into the family to get her hands on the fey money. It ain't going to do her no good. I know. I've been digging around for years. Go ahead. We'd better let her in. How do you do? I'm Chloe Johnson and you must be William's sister, Alice Faye. I, my, my, what a beautiful home you have here. It must have cost you at least $75,000 and I'll bet you have it free and clear. And just look at that Persian rug. Why, that must have cost you at least 2000. And that piano, you couldn't possibly get it for less than 1500. If you're through with the appraisal, we'd like to say hello. I'm sorry. Hello. Oh, Miss Faye, that necklace you're wearing. Real pearls, aren't they? I'll bet that cost you at least a thousand dollars. Well, I really don't remember. Wouldn't you like to step in? Yes. Come on in. Let me have your $8 coat and I'll hang it on our $49.95 coat tree. I'd like to introduce myself. I am... Oh, I know who you are. You're William's father. More crack like that and I'm going to kick her right in the head with my $65 alligator shoe. Miss Faye, your father is certainly a well-preserved old man. My, he's so neat and dapper. Yeah, we try to keep him clean. At his age it's rather hot. Is that you, Chloe? Yes, it's me, William. Oh, pardon me, folks. I must Russian and kiss my lover boy. Well, be careful. Don't get any lipstick on his $22.50 suit with them two-pair knickers. Phil, flat girl's a fortune hunter and we've got to find some way to discourage her from marrying Willie. If there are only some way we could scare her and... Phil, you sing. What kind of a crack would that be? Look, I didn't mean it that way. I have the start of an idea and I can think much better when you sing. Well, I still don't like it, but I'm gonna do it. Don't let the stars get into your eyes. Don't let the moon break your heart. Love blooms at night and daylight at night. Don't let the stars get into your eyes. Oh, keep your heart for me for someday. I'll return and you know you're the only one I'll ever love. Too many nights, too many stars, too many moons could change your mind. If I'm gone too long, don't forget where you belong. When the stars come out, remember you are mine. Don't let the stars get in your eyes. Don't let the moon break your heart. Love blooms at night and daylight at night. Don't let the stars get into your eyes. Keep your heart for me for someday. I'll return and you know you're the only one I'll ever love. Too many miles, too many days, too many nights to be alone. Oh, please keep that heart when we're apart. Don't linger in the moonlight when I'm gone. Don't let the stars, don't let the stars get in your eyes. Don't let the moon break your heart. Love blooms at night and daylight at night. Don't let the stars get in your eyes. Oh, keep your heart for me for someday. I'll return and you know you're the only one I'll ever love. Well, I've got it. I've thought of a way to discourage Chloe. Yeah, how? Well, she thinks you're Willie's father, so let's keep up the pretense. Oh, I get it. All I have to do is to make believe that I'm Willie's old man, and that he's my little boy. That's right. And that all... Go away from me. I ain't gonna be no father to that mongoose. I only have to pretend for a little while. We'll get her alone. You tell her that Willie hasn't got a penny, and I guarantee you she'll be out of here in no time. Okay, okay, okay. I'll do it. I'll try anything. But look, I want you to know one thing, that I'm only doing it to save the woman of the money I love. I mean to save the money of the woman I love. Oh, and another thing, Phil. Tell her that I haven't got any money either. Tell her I lost every penny I have, and I'm dead broke. Oh, tell... You're kidding, ain't you? Arnie, please tell me that you're kidding. Now tell me. Tell me. You're not shaking me. I'm kidding. Oh, for goodness sake. What do you want me to do? Go into shock? Come on, let's go in. I'll get rid of Willie, and you go into your act. And remember, remember, keep your mind on your work. Don't be swayed by her pretty face. Oh, William, you're so masterful. I just love to sit here on your lap with my arms around you. Let's go, Willie, please. You're wilting my celluloid collar. Oh, that ain't no son of mine. Let's get out. Willie, Willie, I'd like to have a girl-to-girl talk with Chloe. So would you mind leaving us alone for a while? You'd better get lost, Willie. Look, take a ride around the park. Here's your bicycle clips. Thank you. I'll see you soon, Chloe. I hope you girls have a nice chat. Bye. Goodbye. There goes my youngest boy, Will. Off to cycle around the park on his little three-wheeler. Mr. Fay, you should be proud of your son, William. Yes, little lady. I should, but I ain't. That boy's been nothing but trouble to me since the day he was hatched. I remember you said you wanted to talk to Chloe about other things. Oh, yes. Chloe Child, I want to talk to you. So why don't you just sachet over here and sit on your old daddy-in-law's lap? Now, that's a good girl. You just cozy right in there. Just sit right down. Father? Get up. You're going to have to pardon my little daughter here. She's a point killer. What would you like to talk to me about, daddy? Well, I'd like to talk to you about William. There goes my point-killing daughter. Play a daughter, honey. Why don't you join your brother in the ride around the park? Here's a pair of clips for you, Toad. Now, pedal backwards. Don't hurry back. Just cut that out. I'm not going any place. Father, Chloe wants to marry William, and I think you ought to tell her about him. Oh, yes, of course, about William. Well, now I realize that he isn't much to look at on the surface, little girl. But I want you to know that underneath, he's a seething mass of nothing. How can you say that about your own son? It ain't hard. Now, shall we discuss the financial arrangements? You see, Chloe, any girl who marries William will receive a financial settlement from me. Oh, you mean if I marry William, I'll get a dowry? Well, it ain't exactly a dowry. We call it a reward. But you will receive the sum of eight dollars. Eight dollars? A dollar ninety-five and cash and a slow note for the balance. I never heard of an eight-dollar dowry. I know, but you see, Willie doesn't have any money of his own. Did you say William doesn't have any money? Nary a stipend. But I heard that the Fay family is very wealthy and... Oh, I see. All this belongs to you, Miss Fay. You have all the money. No, no, no. This doesn't belong to me. I'm broke. I lost all my money. But this sumptuous house and these expensive furnishings must belong to... to... Oh, I see. It all belongs to you, Mr. Fay. Well, I don't want to... I might have known. Under that handsome curly hair is a shrewd money-making brain. Well, you must be extremely wealthy, Daddy. Low dead. Tell me something, Daddy. Are you married? Oh, no, no. I just live here with my daughter Alice. She takes care of me, don't you, daughter? Yes. Yes, you see, Father's so old he can't do anything for himself. I have to put his toupee on him in the morning and then I have to find his teeth for him. Then there's his gout. And every morning I have to pound on his chest to soften his arteries and let him... That'll be fine. All right, all right. Oh, now I don't think he's that old at all. As a matter of fact, I think he's just the right age. For what? For some lucky girl to marry. Do you know something, Daddy? I've been thinking that perhaps William is too young and callow for me. I need someone more mature. I'd be much happier married to a man like you. How true. But aren't you reaching for the moon? Of course, if it means you're happy, Miss Nidere, I'm willing to... Break it up. Break it up. Chloe, excuse us for a minute. Father, Father, come into the other room. I want to talk to you alone. What are you trying to do, you old Rue? Well, I was only doing it for you. For me? Certainly, I'm trying to make her forget Willie. I thought I'd marry her for a week or two and then... Never, Mom. Oh, there must be some other way of getting rid of this girl. All right, how? We'll have to find some man who has a lot of money and throw him at her. Now, who do we know who has a lot of money and... I've got it? Elliot. She ain't got a biscuit. I know that, but Chloe doesn't. And all we have to do is tell her that Elliot is a wealthy playboy and she'll drop Willie like a hot potato. You call Elliot, explain what you want him to do and tell him to come right over. Okay, okay, I'll call him. And in the meantime, I'll go in and entertain Chloe. Now, how are you going to entertain her? I'll sing her an expensive song. That'll keep her happy. This can't be love because I feel so well. No sobs, no sorrows, no sigh. This can't be love, I get no dizzy spell. My head is not in the sky. My heart does not stand still, just hear it beat. This is too sweet to be. Love. This can't be love because I feel so well. But still I love to look in your eyes. A bug is so infectious, it gets under your skin. And if you fight it, it's got a win. This can't be love because I feel so well. No sobs, no sobs, no sorrows, no sigh. This can't be love, I get no dizzy spell. My head is not in the sky. Does not stand still, just hear it beat. This is too sweet to be. Love. This can't be love because I feel so well. But still I love to look in your eyes. Now look Elliot, now you've been paying attention. You know exactly what we want you to do. Oh yeah, you couldn't have picked a better man. Being a playboy is right up my alley. I know that's where you usually play, but tonight I want you out. Now look, are you sure you can play the part naturally? You notice I'm dressed for the role? Yeah, I notice the clothes. Those are clothes, aren't they? Please. This is my playboy outfit. Purple beret, pale fudge scarf, lingerie and bolero and checkered plus fours. You think I need something else to set this off? No, leave it alone, it'll explode by itself. Where's this girl I'm supposed to romance? Look, she's inside with Alice. Now come on, let's go in. Elliot, now remember I want you to lay it on heavy. You're supposed to be one of the richest men in the world. Now in order to impress this dame, all you have to do is to keep talking about money. Money. Talk about nothing, just money, money, money. Okay. Oh, Alice, dear. What is it, Father? Look who just dropped in. This is our wealthy friend, Elliot Van Finkelfinger, the third. But of course, how are you, Fankie? Johnson, I'd like you to meet our millionaire friend, Elliot Van Finkelfinger, the third. Well, I've never met a millionaire before. How are you, Mr. Van Finkelfinger? Oh, I'm money, money, money, money, money. Thank you. And how money, money, money, money are you, my dear? Hey, Fank, come here. What? I wouldn't go that heavy. I think you're going with me. Too much? I'd say with just a wee bit, yeah. It ain't that much money. Leave him alone. I like what he has to say. If you're a millionaire, you must have money. That's a shrewd observation. How much would you say you have, Mr. Van Finkelfinger? Oh, I have scads, gobs and oodles. Of course, I have a few more scads than I have oodles, but my gobs keep piling up. I just love to talk to you successful men. Tell me, did you make your money yourself? Heavens, no, I had it made by Hattie Carnegie. Nothing like custom-made money, I always say. Would you care to see my new off-the-shoulder $20 bill? Or I have a five with a plunging neckline that's real sexy. So cute. It would be stimulating to be married to a man like you, but unfortunately, I can't marry you. Why not, my darling? Because I've promised my hand to another man. Well, give him your hand. I'll take what's left. I've always been one for pot luck. Chloe, why don't you forget William and Dad and marry Elliot? Anybody home? Do you think I should, Miss Faye? Certainly. A girl like you deserves Elliot. Well, I'd certainly like a man like him. In fact, I'd like nothing better than to marry a man as handsome, as intelligent, and as wealthy as you, Elliot. What lady? Because I think he's smooth, sophisticated, slob. What'd you say, my dear? She said you're a smooth, sophisticated slob. Hey, groceries, over here, please. Excuse us a minute, Chloe. Mr. Harris, what's going on here? Look, I'll explain. This girl wants to marry Willie because of Alice's money, so I'm pretending that I'm Alice's father to talk her into marrying Elliot, the wealthy playboy. Huh? We'll go once more. This girl wants to marry Willie because of Alice's money, so I'm pretending that I'm Alice's father to talk her into marrying Elliot, the wealthy playboy. And we got to do it before Willie gets back on his bicycle. How'd the bicycle get in the act? Ah, Chloe, you and I will be so happy together. With all my money, we'll have a wonderful life. Just think, we'll spend the winter at my chalet in San Moritz. In the spring, we'll go to my chateau in Paris. And in the fall, we'll spend on my yacht in the Mediterranean. And where will we spend the summer? On his live big barge off Pismo Beach. Two, two lovebirds just run along. And when Willie comes back, I'll break the bad news to him. I know he'll be heartbroken, but... Well, I'm back, everybody. Willie, get off the bicycle. You're in the house. Oh, well, I'm so excited. I forgot to get off. Oh, while I was gone, I kept thinking of you, Chloe. Did you miss me, dear? What did you do while I was gone? Oh, she's been a busy little bee, that one. First she jilded you, then me, and now she's working on Stinky. I don't believe it. Chloe wouldn't look at any other man but me. Are you kidding? I just remembered seeing this girl downtown yesterday. Some guy played. That's not true. I don't allow strange men to pick me up. You don't, huh? No, I don't. Now, Elliot, let's... Honk, honk, go my way, babe. Thank you, sir. I'd be glad to take a ride. And all I said was honk, honk. It's true, Chloe. You don't love me. No, I found a new love. Come along, Elliot. Where are we going? Well, first we'll get married, and then we'll take a honeymoon trip to some exotic place like Algiers. Well, if we're going to Algiers, I'd better stop off and get some money. Come along, my dear. Where are we going? To the county relief office. Pick up my check. Alison Phil will be back in just a moment. If you can't get to the baseball games in person, take them right along with you on RCA Victor's remarkable new super personal portable. It's the handiest portable radio ever made. No bigger than an average size book. No heavier than a lady's handbag. Yet tiny as it is, the new super personal portable brings you room size, volume, and big radio tone. And it has exclusive RCA Victor features never before obtainable in a radio so small and compact. Features like the RCA Victor battery lifesaver switch that can increase the life of your batteries up to 30%. And thanks to the remarkable new RCA radio batteries, the RCA Victor super personal radio can play up to 10 times longer without battery change than previous RCA Victor portables its size. Think of it. For every hour of baseball you enjoyed with old type batteries, you can now enjoy up to 10. For every hour of news, of music, of drama, you can now hear up to 10. So see the tiny new super personal portable radio with the new longer lasting RCA batteries. At your RCA Victor dealers tomorrow. We're a little late. You were a wonderful audience. Thanks everybody and good night. Good night everybody. In two hours hear a special prison release report on NBC.