 to coronavirus and mental health and today is February 2nd, 2022. We are coming up on our official second year of the pandemic, although it's been going a little further behind in that, so it's been a long, long haul. Today is also groundhog day and the groundhogs are peeking out of their holes to see if winter's going to stick around. We're looking out of our houses and seeing trying to see how long this pandemic and the coronavirus is going to last and do these things to us and we'll be talking about that and updating everything and right now I just wanted to let you know that I'm Ken Burtness and I am happy to be here with you. Hi, my name is Deanna Honecker and I too am happy to be here. I'm coming from, I'm being videoed from IAEA and today Ken and I are going to pick up where we left off last time discussing the coronavirus and fear. We're going to pick up from fear and then move on to the other associated emotion of anger, so that's kind of the direction we're going to be going in today. Yeah, let's go ahead and update them on the statistics and then I'll turn it right back to you Deanna. Okay. According to the New York Times yesterday, our cases, our new cases reported were down 57% from the previous 14-day marker. So, everybody is saying, wow, we're doing well. Well, you know, our hospital admissions are up by 4% and our deaths are up by 45%. Now, when you hear those statistics, you automatically sort of jump to some conclusions and say, well, we're doing great or we're doing not so great, or it's confusing. Well, you know, we can't jump to some conclusions without, on these statistics. For one, if we take a look at the new cases that are dropping down terrifically, that's a little complicated because a lot of people are doing home testing now and we're not tracking those very well. So, there may be a lot more new cases than what we think there is. So, we don't want to jump to any conclusions on that statistics. As far as hospital admissions go, what we're seeing is a small increase, but that doesn't take into account the fact that when we're dealing with the Omicron variant, for instance, it's less virulent than the other ones, especially Delta. So, when somebody comes into the hospital and say they're coming in because their cancer is flaring up or some other problem is making itself known, but they're asymptomatic or they have the Omicron variant, but it's not affecting them so much. So, they don't think they have it. They think it's just a small little glitch or a flu or whatever, but they test positive. So, it's very hard to tell if we are increasing. You know, there's a lot of factors that very difficult for us to take into account and very difficult for us to factor. As far as the deaths go, being up that much, well, that was considering that there were four deaths yesterday, and these statistics are all taken from February 1st yesterday, which is a very small amount, but in Hawaii, our death count overall is very small. So, the word of caution for this is we'll keep you up to date on this. We'll talk about this. I'll mention a little bit more about the statistic later on the day, but right now, I want to turn things over to Deanna and let's go back to what we left off with fear last time. Okay. You know, Ken, this is a great example of like, you know, what are we afraid of? What should we be afraid of? Are we afraid of things that are real or things that not that we're making up in our mind, but assumptions that we're making or things that we're guessing about? So, you know, I think I mentioned last time, and, you know, I'm a big fan of news diets and, you know, really being careful and judicious about how much we expose ourselves and, you know, re-agitate ourselves about the statistics. And, you know, once a day is plenty. Sometimes it's good to see those trends so that we can see them lowering or, you know, is there something that we need to change our behavior if it's heightening? So, back on that fear, one of the things that I wanted to make sure I brought in today was not just the fear of the coronavirus itself or the variants. We have this whole other element of vaccines. And the fear, we've talked a lot about, you know, that that would lessen fear. The more people that got vaccinated, you know, maybe our stress level would go down. But I'm seeing my own practice. I've got a significant number of clients that are afraid of the vaccine itself. So, it's not like we're offering solutions. It's like you can be less afraid of the coronavirus because now we have this vaccine. It almost added another layer of, well, do I have to worry about the vaccine? Do I have to worry if it's going to hurt me? You know, if I have children, should I allow them to have it? At what age should I have it? This is a new vaccine. It's not proven. What is it going to do long term? So, yeah, rather than like having this little magic wand that could lower our stress, it actually in a way kind of heightened it. Along with that, you know, we said we were going to like talk about anger and in relationship to the fear. And the first thing that it made me think of is the people that we are close to and what their behaviors are like. Another thing I'm seeing is because of the fear of the vaccine, the fear of the coronavirus, how do we stay connected if we feel differently within the same family? I know of, you know, unfortunately, family events such as weddings, things like that where people were barred for either being vaccinated, not being vaccinated or not wearing a mask, but whatever they were choosing to do. And that segues quite easily into anger. So, that's just a little easy way to see how fear just manifests itself as anger and, you know, with each other or frustrations with each other. I don't know, Ken, do you have any thoughts on that? Well, yeah. And Deanna's going to expand on this a little bit later, but when we were talking before the session, one of the things that Deanna brought up was empathy. And in this case, we have to be empathetic as far as not only how the other person is feeling, but what they're believing. Like Deanna is saying, some of the people here are saying, no, I'm not going to get vaccinated because it's going to have negative effects. And other people are saying, I'm going to get vaccinated because I'm going to protect myself. And we're thinking from our own standards, you know, our own standing and our own perspective. And we're not considering what other people are thinking about or feeling or going through. And so this divides us into camps. And this has been happening even before the pandemic. We've become a more divisive society and less understanding and less listening to the other person. So there needs to be a way that we can be empathetic and still follow our instincts and make our own interpretation about what's happening. And be careful of false data. I know you've heard a lot about that, but there's a lot of things that people are saying, well, this person says it's okay, and this person doesn't. So therefore, I'm going to believe this person. And it's not a lot, you know, the facts are scarce in a lot of these things. Like I was talking about earlier, there's so many different variables that are happening. It's very hard for us to predict anything or say anything with the finality. So one of the things we need to do when we're listening to our friends and family members who have a difference of opinion, is we have to understand that their concerns and where they're looking from. And that's hard to do. This has become a very personal thing. You know, this is my safety, my life. And if we're talking about fear and you want the biggest fear, that's mortality. That's the fear of us dying. And this is connected with this. This is where a lot of that is coming from. And it's incredibly powerful. So it's sort of keeping us in ourselves and our own personal view rather than looking out to others. Now, if we disagree with a person and we're at opposite ends, like at the wedding that Deanna was talking about, like she says, we tend to get angry. When we get angry, we take it out on the easiest targets that we have. Because there are a lot of people that we can't get angry at. We can't get angry at them, who are them. I don't know. Some faceless person in the government or in the local or federal or whatever, whoever is making the decisions, which is not very clear to us. And there are certain people that are too powerful. We don't want to mess with them. So we turn to people that are easy targets. And I know, Deanna, you've been seeing that a lot with your clients and with the family and friends. So maybe you could tell us a little bit about what you're seeing. Yeah, definitely. Whether we're talking about the coronavirus or anything that are frustrations, right? When we're angry, we talk about who are safe people to lash out at. And usually those are the people that we're pretty sure are going to love us no matter what. And probably the people that deserve the least to get lashed at. So yeah, I really appreciate you bringing up the empathy piece, Ken, because that is an easy link to me. When we're empathetic, that means we can slow things down enough to be respectful. And that's a really important word to me. When we're talking about disagreements, when we don't think the same, right? Like it's okay to not feel the same way or think the same way as someone else. But we need to offer them what we'd like them to offer us, which is enough space that we can be respectful of each other and then do what we need to do to keep ourselves safe, right? We don't have to agree, vaccines, masks, separation, whatever it is, but we can respect another person's way of making them feel themselves feel safe. And I really do believe that's that first step in like tamping or lessening the anger response, right? You don't feel like, you don't think the way I do, you don't act the way I do, then you must be wrong, you're my enemy, that automatic thinking, that very intense thinking about you're not the same, we're not on the same team, we're all on the same team, we're on the team of humanity. And if we can kind of come from that perspective, and then how do we manage that? If I'm respectful of that person, what choices do I have, and what choices do they have, and that we could stay in the space of mutual respectfulness? So that to me is that, like I said, that first step in maybe lessening the anger response. Yeah, Ken. Yeah, I think a lot of that has to do with communication. For instance, if I can just grab this for a second. I always carry my mask with me. I don't know if you can see that, but I always have it in my pocket. And right now, given the conditions in Hawaii, I'm doing some in-person with safety distance and everything with people. And I'm doing zooming like we're doing today. So half and half. And it depends upon the people that I'm talking to, always a small group. But I don't want them to feel uncomfortable. So I carry the mask along. And if we're in-person, for instance, I'm saying, okay, I asked him, where do you feel comfortable? Do you feel comfortable with me wearing a mask? I'm going to put the mask on. You feel at all uncomfortable with me being without a mask, even though we're all vaccinated and the people I'm seeing are all vaccinated. And I'm seeing them outside, but still some people might be uncomfortable. So I always have this to say, if you're uncomfortable, let me know. And I will put on my mask or I'll step back further if you're not comfortable with the distance that we're in or whatever. So it leaves that up to them. And if they make me feel uncomfortable, I'll say to them, I'm sorry, but I'm feeling uncomfortable. This has sort of crossed my boundaries. And all of us have different boundaries. We've drawn a different line for the coronavirus. And I'll say, I'm sorry, I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. So I think what we should do to continue this conversation is do it in a virtual mode. And I respect your views and I understand where you're coming from by wanting things much looser than I do. And that's okay. So let's go ahead and continue the Zoom. And I respect you. And I like you, you're my friend. And I don't want this to get in the way of our friendship. And but so that's sort of my way of trying to get a middle road to get them the communication that I care for them. And I respect them while the distills at the same time, making sure they're not uncomfortable and I'm not uncomfortable. And because of these, you know, reactions that we have that are almost immediate, you know, we sort of say, oh, they're crossing the line, I'm pissed off, you know, it makes it very difficult. But so and I'm sure communication is a big thing with you, Deanna, and your, your clients getting them to talk about their feelings and their behavior. Right. And actually, just give me a really great segue into taking that one or two on two, one on one, two on two communications. And I'm going to go back to the wedding scenario, right? This is much bigger. You've got a lot, a lot more people involved and a lot more emotions and, you know, people's idealized version of what a wedding should be. And we're in a different era. And, you know, you mentioned the Zoom, I've watched people get really, really creative. And, you know, in the past, maybe, you know, 98 year old grandma would not have been able to attend, but we have videos, we have Zoom. People are finding ways to be creative and not necessarily make everybody happy, but make everybody at least okay, feel safe, have a choice in the situation. Now I'd love to be at your wedding, but I'm really uncomfortable right now. Or, you know, I just, I saw another spike, you know, you're right, Ken, it's all about communicating and sharing that in a kind way, not the, you know, this is what I'm going to do, darn it, that kind of thing, but explaining why. And I do feel that people are very receptive when, you know, whether we're talking in a one-on-one situation or in a group, when you start out with, I'm more comfortable if, or if it makes, it makes me uncomfortable if. So they know where you're coming from, you're not attacking them, you're speaking from your own experience, your own feelings. And it kind of leaves a little bit more space again for them to be empathetic with you and your position and how you're feeling that, again, you're not against them, you're just trying to do what's right for you. And I'm also a big fan of, you know, presenting a problem, but presenting some solutions at the same time. You know, will you be taping, will you be, can I livestream your video? Can, you know, can we do it this way? Where can I send the gift? All those things that if we open that up and become a little bit more creative, again, the tensions lower and we're getting clear communication as to why people are doing what they're doing. Yeah, so thank you for that. That was an easy jump for me to go from those small groups to these, these bigger groups. We've had the ability to do that for quite some time. I was doing a wedding outside on the North Shore where I live. And this wedding was about eight years ago. And, you know, we were all outside. It was a fairly small wedding, beautiful. You'd see the ocean and everything. And it was on a beautiful lawn and everything. And this was, like I said, about eight years ago and the groom whose children were still on the mainland and unable to fly to Hawaii for whatever reasons, plus his parents, he set up a joint communication via the computer screen. And you had the computer screen right by, you know, with the minister and everything and they were standing together and the computers off just on the side and picking everything up with the camera and transmitting it then. And this was eight years ago before the, we even thought of the pandemic. So they were able to combine the tube by being very creative. And now we have so many more tools to work with. And we always have the option of having two weddings. There's nothing wrong with two weddings, you know. There's nothing wrong with having an artificial wedding and an outdoor wedding, you know, to satisfy everybody, you know, or some sort of combination. And I'm sure you've been seeing a lot of different creative efforts in the pandemic, Deanna. What's interesting, you were using the word creative, but I also want to kind of stick in the word of, you know, tradition, right? A lot of people have a hard time breaking from tradition. And I don't just necessarily mean about cultural events. What's coming to mind is a client who every year his company used to have a yearly, basically everybody come together from all over the country and we meet and we shake hands and we do, you know, we have a couple of days where we really connect and we bond. The first year of the pandemic, everybody was like, no, no, we can skip one year. And then now, you know, second year, a couple people went, you know, and I asked him, I said, how, you know, how do people make their choices to go to not go? And did anybody kind of take stock and didn't make a difference? Because I think that that's the piece too, like trying something new, does it feel different? Or what do I like about it? What don't I like about it? And it's pretty easy to find out what we don't like, right? I miss seeing people in person. I miss sitting around having dinner with them. But then he got to tell me, boy, I didn't miss getting on that airplane and flying for 12 hours. I didn't miss having to sleep in a hotel room. I didn't miss having to not see my family all week long. And he was like, you know, I might be missing the next couple, but I'll get back to it. So that flexibility and thinking and not thinking it has to be all one way or all another. The coronavirus is pushing us in that way to be creative and flexible. But I think it's really important to remember, you know, the words for now, like, we're going to do it like this way, we're going to do it this way for now, leaving it leaving some space open to maybe we'll go back the way we did it. And then maybe not. And not put that burden on ourselves again, that can be the fear mongering, the things that we get angry about that it's not the way it used to be. Leave some space for it to be different and maybe even better sometimes. Absolutely. Yeah, the you know, I was, my wedding was very different too. And part of it was that I waited so long. That was in my, I was 34 before I got married. And we just did it our own way, you know, and marriages and traditions are dictated by people who came before us. And when we deviate from those traditions, we run the risk of making everybody unhappy. But luckily, I was old enough and my bride at the time was old enough. And we just told our parents, we're going to do it this way. And it's going to be different, but there's going to be love here. And there's going to be caring here. And it worked off great. I think the key is, from what you're saying, Deanna, is that we can do it the old way, we can do it the new way, or we can do it some combination of the way. As long as the caring is there, whatever it is, whether it's a wedding or a ball game, I went to my grandson's ball game a couple days ago. And that was interesting with masks and everything. But we were out there in the open, I was getting sunburned, as you can see. And we were having a great time. And it's much different than it was before. But we are establishing new traditions and creative. And like you're saying, a lot of times people say, wow, that's better. You know, I like that better. It's less stress. And that's been one of the advantages. And that's hard to see that coronavirus, which is so, it's such a bad image, you know, this evil, evil virus is coming after us. And yet, some of the things that the virus is causing is opening new doors for us. And there are advantages as well as disadvantage. And that's very, very hard to see, especially for people that are really suffering during this. Well, I appreciate you, Ken, using the words caring and love. When we're uncomfortable, those aren't the first two words that come to our mind. That's how caring and loving can I be right now. But if we can kind of pull to that, like you're talking about the ball game, what's important here? We want these kids to have this experience and we're willing to accommodate and wear a mask or do whatever we've got to do, sit apart from each other to make that comes from a place of caring and loving of what we want for these children. And so again, instead of focusing on the what am I not experiencing or what do I have to endure, but taking a step back from that and saying, can this still come from a place of caring and love for others? We can do that little heavy sigh, but that's okay. We're still going to do the important part. We're going to witness the wedding. We're going to participate in the conference. We're going to be at the ball game for now doing it another way and kind of like stop focusing on the negatives, right? Do that little shift and like focus on what is happening. Absolutely. Yeah, that's very true. And that's I can't emphasize how difficult that is. And people want a quick fix to this. They want it to be over. They want us to come up with something that will make this go away or make it so that we're not bothered by it anymore than a common cold. And it may come to that. We don't know. There's a lot out there that we're still scratching our head about still trying to figure out. And as these new variant comes in, we still have another one on the doorstep, you know, something is going to follow the Omicron, just like Omicron followed Delta. So we have to be prepared for that and willing to deal with it. And if we just take a hard stance, that's where the anger comes from. That's what we're beginning to talk about is moving from that fear to being angry. And if there's that uncertainty and people are giving us different information, we tend to get really angry. And it's very hard, like Deanna is saying, to get back to that love and caring. Well, now is the best time to do that. Now is the best time when things are very difficult to turn to somebody we care about, our family member, friend or whatever, and say, you are very important and I respect you. And we'll, we'll find a way to get through this and keep our friendship going and our family together. And we'll find some good ways to have fun and keep our quality of life high. Right. And the other thing too, we're in agreement with a lot of our family and friends, right? And I think that's something else we can do to show our love and caring for each other and, you know, not get into this complaining fest or whatever. And how can we support each other, you know, acknowledge how difficult it is, acknowledge that, you know, there's things that we miss, but again, not sit in that too long. You know, we need to be acknowledged, we need to be validated, but then move into it's not too, too hard to start thinking of some things that we can appreciate. So if you're the person in the relationship that can go to that caring, loving place, you know, more easily, you know, please use that strength to help people that you love and care about so that they can kind of have an example of not dwelling too much and sitting in the fear for too long, which then, you know, gets them to the anger place. So we've got to help each other in that way as well. One of the traditional things that I'm sure you use Diana and most counselors do is if we can get people to take a deep breath and just hold for a second. Because considering the other person's feelings and behavior in that we're sort of running away, that anger is sort of running away with us or the fear, both of them cause us the fight or flight type of thing and both of us can be helpful, but both of them could create some serious problems. So if we sit back and we take some deep breaths and we remind ourselves to think of the other person, not just ourselves, but the other person, and that's a tremendous help. But that's, you know, that's easy to say to people. You know, I would say to my clients, I would tell them that and they would say, yeah, yeah. And the first thing that they would try it, you know, and it would work and the first time and maybe the second time. But by the third time, you know, they're right back to where they work, you know, because it's not something that you do automatically. Right. So it's something that you have to concentrate on. Yeah. Absolutely. Practice is a good thing, especially when you're not in the middle of it. Ken, I know we're under a minute. So I wanted to make sure that, you know, if you had any other words before we sign off, if there was anything else you wanted to say? Oh, great. Yeah. Thanks you for reminding me, Diana. Yeah, I just wanted to say to everybody, thanks to the Think Tech of Hawaii people for helping us do this and be here. Thanks to everybody who's listening. And don't forget a really important thing for us to help us, you know, deal with this is to let us know your feelings, your questions that you have about the coronavirus and we can tackle them. So please email us. And I think Think Tech has a site that you can email us at. I think it's just questions and Think Tech, why is that right? I think so. We'll get it up there. But so please do that, try to find out and send us your feelings and thanks again for being with us. Oh, here it is. Send a question at. All right. Love it. All right. Well, thank you very much, Ken. And thank you, Diana.