 W-E-A-F New York. Eastern daylight saving time begins at 2 a.m. tomorrow, so don't forget to turn your clocks ahead one hour. A pack of Avalon cigarettes, please. Yes, sir. Oh, just a moment, sir. Don't forget your change. You never guess, but Avalons cost you less. Friends, good evening. This is Del King saying welcome to Avalon time. With greetings from Red Fully, Jeanette, Phil Davis, and the Avalon Orchestra, and the only man in radio who has ears like steam shovels. They pick up all the dirt. Red Skelton. Thank you very much and good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, Del, where do you get those corny introductions? Well, I don't know, Red. I guess it's the farmer in the dell. That's Del King, folks. He's a little tired. Last night he put his mustache up in tin curlers and didn't sleep a wink. Boy, what a mustache. Hey, Skelton. Yeah? Well, you don't get arrested wearing that suit. Uh-huh, you microphone. What do you mean? You think I'll get arrested wearing this suit? Well, you're dressed to kill. You like it, huh? Yeah, it fits your personality. Plain and simple. Oh, microphone. Hey, have you been crying or did you wash your face? I've been swimming. Boy, it was that water cold, but it didn't bother me. I went right in. I never did find out who pushed me. But whoever it was, they did a good job. I did a swan dive. It was so graceful that two seagulls asked me for my autograph. I stayed in the water for about 20 minutes. I thought I'd come out sooner, but there were some girls on the beach, and I had a run in my bathing suit stocking. Not only that, I had big bags in the knees of my bathing suit. I stayed under the water so long, I stayed under the water so long that two feet swam by and offered me a worm. But the water was so cold that I finally had to come out. When the folks saw my red hair, blue bathing suit, and I said, wait, I'll louse that up then, and I went around. I finally had to come out. They're all good if I can only find it. I was in the water so long that two feet swam by. I said that, didn't I? That's why I heard it. When I came out of the water, and the folks on my red hair, white bathing suit, and blue skin, they saluted me. I think it'd been just as well out of went on. But I wasn't the only one in swimming. Edna Stillwell was there. She didn't exactly have on a bathing suit. She borrowed my handkerchief and said a prayer. Del King went in swimming with that big moustache. He hasn't got mating calls from a walrus. Bill Davis, Bill Davis. You'll have to quit, lady. We've got another program coming up. But we appreciate those laps. Bill Davis was in swimming, and he had on a leopard skin bathing suit. He looked like the Queen Mary in a sarong. He did a hide dive in the water and got a nasty letter from the flood control committee. I love to lay around out on the beach and get that sunshine. In fact, I was so brown, the three people came up and congratulated me on winning the Roper fight. Well, I think I've been out here splashing around long enough, so I'll wait out and let Red Fully dive in with. We've come a long way together. Go on in, fellow. The water's fine. Come along, sweet magic's tea. Come along, Henry. Still have a long way to go. If you saw a five-dollar bill lying in the street, you wouldn't just pass it up, would you? No, sir, you'd grab it up in a hurry. Well, friends, that's only a small part of the money you can save by switching to Avalon's, the quality cigarette that costs three to five cents less than other popular priced brands. Yes, that consistent and repeated saving of three to five cents on every pack you smoke turns into many, many dollars in a surprisingly short time. And remember, it's money that you wouldn't otherwise have, extra money to buy things you need and want. And now about the quality of Avalon cigarettes. We'll match them against any of the popular priced brands on the market today, because Avalon's have an exclusive quality that can't be surpassed. They're 100% union made from a mild, mellow blend of choice Turkish and domestic tobaccos, as finer quality tobacco as ever went into a cigarette. That's why you'd never guess they cost you less. Never has a price so low but more high quality in a cigarette. Give Avalon's a trial tonight. Bob Strong said he got a big kick out of making his arrangement and now it's all yours from Stars and Muralon. I forgot to mention that Red Skelton is also the only man in radio who doubles as Night Watchman and janitor for a bank. As we look in at the Hope and Trust Company, we find our vice president in charge of mobs busy with the banking business. That's you JB. This is Skelton at the Hope and Trust Company. Now, about that matter of foreign exchange, make my order Danish pastry instead of French pastry, will you? Okay, I'll see what was I was doing here. Oh, yeah, I was going over these books with a dust rack. Uh-oh, somebody's at the door. Who's there? Who's there? You're going to tell me who's there? Am I going to have to run for my life? Oh, it's Miss Stillwell. Well, it's about time you opened the door. All ready for work? Come in, take off your things. Look, I'm a secretary, not a fan dancer. Hey, let me take your coat and... What are you laughing at? Somebody dropped a pot of geraniums on your head and it stuck there. That's my new hat. Oh. Well, we got to get some work done here. You take the second floor, and I do mean with a scrub brush. Scrubbing. This is Swell. Secretary to a night watchman and janitor. There's only one job worse than mine. What's that? Yours. Oh, yeah, well, my uncle started out as a night watchman 30 years ago, and he's been pretty lucky. Lucky? How? He's still got the job. Now hurry and clean up. The president of the bank just called up and said he was going to come down here. He's going to run down here tonight to set that lock on the vault. There, I wonder who that is. Can't be the president. No president could run that fast, even for a third term. Well, who is that funny-looking goon? I don't know. It must be the president. Hiya, president. Stand where you are. Don't you move. Now, wait a minute, president. Put that gun away. We've never met before, but I'm your vice president in charge of liquid assets. I fill the ink well. Oh, you're the vice president, huh? I suppose to dame with the funny-looking Hattus Francis Peukins. Miss Stillwell, meet the president of our bank. The bank? Oh, sure, sure. I'm the president of the bank. Well, he looks suspicious to me. How can you tell? He's wearing a mask. Well, I suppose you want to fix the lock on the vault, eh, president? That's a lock. What's wrong with it? Well, don't you remember? He just called up and said you forgot to set the time lock. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Can I bring me tools along, too? You see, here's me blowtorch, Jimmy and drillin' stuff. Okay, Fred. Now, if you need any help, let me know, will ya? I sure will, chum. Yeah. Eh, he's a nice fellow, that guy. They say he's terrific with figures. I bet the only figures he ever saw were at Minsky. That's the first time I ever saw the president of a bank with a Jimmy. Well, what's wrong with that? The president of the United States has a Jimmy. Wait, I'll answer that phone, then. Hello? Listen, I want to come down and deposit my cow. You want to deposit a cow? Yeah, I want to get the milk certified. Will ya, will ya do that for me, pal? Okay, fella. It's in the bag. Is that a policeman trying to get in here? I don't know. Hey, is that a policeman trying to get in? That ain't Jesse James. Hercules, a policeman. Come on in. Ah, little boy blue coat. Why are you out of breath, Hercules? All those darn dead-end kids chased me five blocks. What'd you do to them, Hercules? Nothing. They stole the pie and I wanted my cut. Not only that, those kids get my goat. Oh, they get your goat? Here it comes, folks. They get your goat, eh? You mean they steal your billy? I guess you have to be pretty brave to be a policeman. Brave? Why, I captured five desperate killers with my policemen's club. Weren't you scared? Oh, goodness, no. There's 45 members in the club. I'll bet you just go around looking for trouble, don't ya, Hercules? Oh, I'll say I do, Mr. Skelton. Why, a few minutes ago, a car passed me going 45 miles an hour and I said, hey, where do you think you're going? To a fire? And was I embarrassed? Why? Why? It was a fire truck. Well, I gotta go now and see if I can find out who shot that man. They left hanging over the electric sign. You mean you're following a clue? No, I'm following Dick Tracy. Hey, Hercules, you forgot your gun. Get a load of this gun. Say, I wonder how the press is making out with that time lock. Hey, how you doing there, press? Okay, chum. I'll be hitting the jackpot soon. Well, look out for that bottle of soda pop I got in there. I'm keeping it cool on frozen assets. Well, put that gun down. You'll scare him to death. Okay. You having trouble, press? Oh, I can't seem to get the door at this point open. Well, I can open it. I wrote the combination down on a piece of paper. Say, chum, that's swell. Where is it in your pocket? No, I was afraid I'd lose it, so I put it in the bowl. Well, don't worry, press. I think I remember the combination. Let's see now. I was trying to think there for a minute. Oh, yeah. Right. 27. Right. 27. Left. 42. Left. 42. Right. 19. Right. 19. What a dopey president that child is. Mr. Skelton, I believe. Well, a phantom of bank night. I always knew you belonged in a vault. Yeah, yeah. And this is your pretty little secretary. Yeah. My but you look lovely. You have lips like petals. If you say bicycle petals, I'll clip you. Hey, what are you doing here anyway? Me? I'm the president of this bank, Jay Teppington Tinbox, the third. The third? You mean there's two other guys look like you laugh? You ain't the president of this bank. Oh, but I am. See the gray hairs in my toupee? Yeah. What's the idea of gray hairs in your toupee? So the board of directors will think I worry. Say, if you're the president of the bank, who's that guy over there working on the time lock? I don't know if he pulled dog from it, but I'm Benny the bum. Benny the bum? Remember me? Steve the snicker. Stevie! What are you doing here? Well, as a matter of fact, I'm president of this bank. Here? Well, as a matter of fact, I'm robbing the joint. Well, how interesting. As a matter of fact, I'm absconding with the fund. You wouldn't dare. Yes, I would. As a matter of fact, I'm splitting with Benny the bum. As a matter of fact, Mr. Skelton, you can help yourself too. It's just some old stuff we were going to send back to the mint. Goodbye. Hey, Mr. Skelton. The best thing you can do is stop these guys. What second best? I mean to... Stick them up, you guys. And if these are ever your move... I'll die. Look, here comes Herky. Officer Herky, go tell the policeman to call me a cop. Oh, here I come. Oh, goodness, a hold up. Here I go. Put their handcuffs on them, Herky. Don't stand there shaking like me. There, there you are, you two rascals. Oh, Mr. Skelton, thank heaven that's over. Do you know what you held them up with? A water pistol. I knew it was a water gun. The reason I was so scared is because it wasn't loaded. Jeanette says the path of true love never runs smooth. Here's what happens when the masquerade is over. I'm the... Silly, I'm Del King. I never heard of you. Listen here, don't give me that stuff. I'm Del King, and this is the spot where I tell about Avalon's. Avalon's? Avalon's, Avalon's, the quality cigarettes that cost three to five cents less than other popular price brands. I don't remember your name, but your phrase is familiar. Listen, you must have a case of amnesia. You're nuts. I never touched the stuff. You have amnesia, amnesia, the forgetting sickness. I'll try and remember now. Here's where I say, friends, when you buy Avalon's, you get a cigarette, 100% union made, blended from the world's finest Turkish and domestic tobaccos to give you an extra smooth, delightfully mild, thoroughly enjoyable smoke. Oh, sure. Now, do you remember? Remember what? Avalon's. They're three to five cents less than other popular price brands, but you'd never guess. They cost you less? I knew that would get you. That shows that you're recovering. From what? You're forgetting sickness. You're amnesia. Who's got amnesia? Amnesia. Oh, I can't be bothered. Now, remember, friends, the next time, ask for Avalon's cigarettes. And don't forget your change. OK, what did I buy? Oh, wait a minute, my money. Somebody's taking my dough. Where's my money? Come back here. Where am I at? Oh, hiya, Del. Let's make a commercial. Oh, some other time. Hey, Del, come on back here, Mr. Avalon. He's only kidding. Hey, Del, Mr. Avalon wants you. Come here. I'm not interested. Thank you. You better come to somebody's stopping there. Come on, Del. You got to make an announcement about Avalon's cigarette. Del. I got an option. Come on. Del. I got an option. Come on up. Del. Take me back to my booth and saddle. See that general store? Let me ride that range once more and saddle. Let me ramble the law. Here's all over our heads with my body, slim and tense. And saddle. Got a hankering to be with a banjo on my knee. Strumming a baby western tune. There's a girl in Cherokee and she's waiting there for me. Waiting beneath the tassel. Avalon chorus with their stirring interpretation of boots and saddle. Say, Skelton, have you got a saga for this week? Yes, sir, boy. We got a fifth. Napoleon Bonaparte, Skelton. Oh, swell. What's it all about? Well, the time's April the 18th, 1815, and the place is Waterloo. Now, Napoleon Skelton is lying on the battlefield and he's very sick. You know, he's just lost a big battle. Lady Lou, better known as the Countess of Waleska, is standing right beside Napoleon. And the lady Lou says, do you want anything, Napoleon? And Napoleon says, yes. Waterloo. Oh, let's save it for next week. Yeah, what do we do this week? Well, that's where I come in. I've written a little sketch. Yeah, a sketch. Yes, it's a cross between a sketch and a sketch. So I call it a sketch. Oh, for a minute, I thought there was something wrong with your angles. Uh, you'll like my sketch. Now, the scheme takes place... The scheme? Yes, the scheme takes place in the Ozarks, you know. In a sketch, you have schemes. Now, the scheme is in the Ozarks Mountains. Mountains. I like mountains better than mountains, don't you? Oh, yes. Oh, sure, sure, sure, yes. Mountains make a much better scheme for a sketch. Don't you think so, Del? Oh, slow, I blink so. You can't do a play that hasn't been rehearsed. Well, the listeners have never heard a play that hasn't been rehearsed. So we'll let them know how they sound before they are rehearsed. Okay. So here's your part. Okay, you set the scene, will you, Del? All right, Red. Now, what are we going to use for music? I'll fix it. Okay, Phil, play some mountain music in an octave faster than that last number you played. This ain't going to help my cross, Leanny. The time, the hottest day in August. The place, warm mattress Arkansas. That's just above hot spring. Oh, wait a minute. Is this in the south of the Corn Belt? Where are we at? As the scene opens, we find Ida May talking to Cicero, her boyfriend, who's been married before and is considered the laziest man in the mountains. Ain't love a wonderful thing? Yeah. When you got married the first time, did you feel something cold running up and down your back? Nope, her pappy held a gun pretty steady. Wait a minute. You can't do things like that on the radio. What are you talking about? Well, did you love her? Yes, I loved the ground she stood on till I found out there was a mortgage on the place. Man, it sure is warm in it. Would you mind taking that there, a handkerchief of yours and wipe the perspiration from my brow? You're the laziest man I ever saw. I ain't lazy. I'm just curbing my energy. Well, you're better. While you're so skinny, if you had little fuzz on you, they could use your first stove pipe cleaner. Yeah. Show is hot standing here in the sun, ain't it? Say, Ida May, you see that nice shady spot over there under that tree? Uh-huh. I'd give anything in the world if I was sitting there. Well, getting late, ain't it? Yep. Ain't you getting hungry? Yep. Well, ain't you gonna go home? Nope. Why? I'm standing in a bear trap. Oh, wait a minute. Get me out of here, will you? For the next time when you ask for Avalon cigarettes... Don't forget your change. We cordially invite you to be with us next Saturday evening when the Brown and Williamson Tobacco Corporation will again present Avalon Time. If your community does not observe daylight saving time, please tune in one hour earlier. And listen to Red Skelton Tuesday night at 10.30 Eastern Daylight Time when he appears as guest on the doghouse program, a new program that we think you'll like. Del King speaking. Good night, everybody. We'll reach you through the National Broadcasting Company. W-E-A-F, New York. 9 p.m. B-U-L-O-B-A. Boulevard Watchtime.