 Hey what's up guys? This is a video about dissociation and about how it makes me feel and how the aftermath looks like to me. So the other night, as a lot of you know when I was live streaming I massively dissociated. I completely zoned out and I ended up having to end the live stream early and that sucked. It really did. And I filmed a clip during that night because I couldn't, I don't know what was wrong with it, I just couldn't switch off. I kept dissociating, reconnecting, dissociating, reconnecting and it was the worst night I've had in a long time. And I filmed a bit and I said what I was thinking and I'm gonna play that clip for you in a minute. I will say the only raw clip I've really got because when I'm like out of it dissociated and whatever I kind of don't do anything because I don't know what to do. This video is an important one to me because this is a side of my life that has only really come into play this year. And what I mean by that is before this year I didn't know dissociation even existed. So when I had the first episode where I saw ghost people, I'll leave a link in the description to that video because I'm not gonna tell that story again. When that happened it was such a shock to me and I didn't know it was. It got worse. To what I am now where I spend half my time completely out of it in a cloudy mindset where actually everything seems hazy and cloudy and I could dream, well go with a dream because that's the best way of me explaining it to you. So my memory has been really bad recently and it affects me. It does affect me quite negatively. Having this thing that you never really know if it's going on. It's so complicated because I could be well used like that night as an example. What happened was I stopped livestreaming, I got into bed. Here's the part I can't remember. So I was in bed and I don't know if I fell asleep for a bit and then woke back up and dissociated or I just spent the most of the night dissociated. I know I fell asleep at about five o'clock and then I woke up at what 9.10. I didn't bother going into uni that day because I was too... That morning was... I think I thought I was like I didn't even know what happened last night and it was horrible. It really was horrible and I don't think I can sit here and explain to you enough about how much dissociation affects people. This mainly came about when I was in a very high stress situation and it primarily came about about April this came in so it was around the time my relationship with Michelle was a month in and was starting to deteriorate. It was a very high stress situation because I was getting told that oh you're suicidal and it's not fair and why aren't mine enough for you and it created a lot of stress and just to be clear I'm never going to make a video talking about that relationship. I'm not willing to give her the platform. Not a chance. Like I said I've got no interest in giving her a platform because she treated me like crap. She really did. Whether she decides to accept that or not it's not my luck anymore. Every bit of harassment she has done has been reported. I happily gave a statement. I said I was willing to stand in court. Police accepted it. That's their responsibility. They can take care of it. When I mean who was in a relationship it got very stressful and that was when the dissociation started happening. It's when the PTSD got triggered. That was when I don't know how many of you will know this but the video I put out about PTSD and what one of my episodes would look like that was triggered by Michelle and I never put in justification. I never explained why because I had a lot of respect for her and I cared about her because you know what that's kind of person I am so I did keep her out of that. When I did the the reason I'm still alive video that was about Michelle I nearly got into a crisis house because of this dress Michelle put on me and what happened that morning I was in the middle of an appointment and I got this text for saying I'm done with this I'm gonna go and buy this and I'm gonna go here and do this and I just started crying and then the point was like what the fuck do you want me to do? I didn't know how to deal with it and my building manager ended up saying okay look you just need to pack this stuff up and she can go and that was that. After that point it got very complicated for me. I've completely lost track of my thoughts. I don't even know what I was saying. Dissociation that's what I was talking about. Sorry. That's what happens when I get triggered and I know I'm talking a bit about Michelle in that whole situation but it's a big and big thing. The whole thing kind of got kick-triggered by her because she put so much stress on me. Not only with the police thing but with running off to mine. With claiming that I was being abusive and manipulative for sleeping and not answering the phone whenever she called. For not answering every message she said I was the abusive one. This girl sent me over 300 messages in one day and countless calls. Countless voice notes. It got so intense. A lot of my viewers know this. I am not. I find relationships hard. I find any kind of relationship hard. I find friendships hard. I find actual relationships hard and the one thing I made very perfectly clear to Michelle at the start of this relationship is I am not intersex. I've always said this and that is the big difference between me and Michelle and this isn't the first time I've said this. It was an online stream I did back in the summer. I found that my dissociation happened a lot more when she was around and I think it was partially because of the stress she put with her and because of how manipulative she was. And I've seen the video she made about me where she was like oh I'm not manipulative. She was manipulative and she was emotionally abusive. End of. Point of fact like if saying and I'm going to quote this I can't even fucking read actually right okay I won't quote it because apparently she doesn't use the English language and messages. She basically said if you didn't sleep with me I'm gonna sleep with other people and if that isn't manipulative then please feel free to enlighten me. Anyway back to the subject of dissociation. The main thing that triggered me was the high stress and unfortunately for me I've remained pretty stressed since then. I'm not out of stress anymore but my migraines are still there which is annoying as fuck and funnily enough that started around the same time so that's fun. Dissociation is a bitch. It really is and it really fucks me about like anything remotely triggering that anything from my mental I just dissociate. I read out my custody record online stream I got very very disconnected and very dissociate I was so out of it at the end of it and I ended up being like I can't even think I'm gonna have to end it and it fucking sucks and I know so many people who struggle with dissociation I'm gonna now play you the clip that I filmed that night just so you can see and understand what it was and why it's live so yeah. I'm gonna turn my phone on so it's currently 2.07 in the morning and I had a thought my thought was a bit like I don't know how to explain it was um I don't know. I keep disconnecting from everything and starting to really create a bother me. In the live stream today I, well yesterday I don't know, I massively dissociated towards the end and I don't even remember half of it. I just don't know. I need to turn the camera on because I don't know what else to do. I'm not going into uni today because well it's 2.08 in the morning and if I was to go in I'd have to wake up at half five and that's not gonna happen and I'm really not in the mood for uni. I don't even know how I feel at the moment I'm just feeling numb like I feel ridiculously depressed like at the moment I feel I feel so down and afraid and things I'm so afraid of getting things getting as bad as they got like I'm terrified of it. I'm massively afraid of getting abandoned and left because all my life I've just been left and abandoned because it's happened so many times. I feel like anyone who gets close to me just leaves me. I remember when I was a kid my mum would take me to school and we always do things like see a later alligator in a wild crocodile and I was just thinking about that and it made me cry. I've always been so afraid of getting abandoned even if it's not abandonment and it makes me realise how irrational a lot of my thoughts are. If my thoughts really are that irrational what do I do to change it? What do I do to improve it? How can I make it anything that it isn't and that's the one thing that gets me really down about things like now I just don't know I don't even know how I feel because I'm happy like I'm really happy but at the same time I'm also like down I want to cry. The reason I feel like I want to cry is because I know I'll never be able to go back to my life before mental health came in like performance illness became such a big part of it. I know I can't ever go back to that life and this has been how my life's been now for like what seven years. That alone is enough to make anyone feel like shit but I just I feel a bit trapped with that and like I try so so hard to step forward and change my mind and change how I feel and I've done such a good job of it so far I just don't know how to maintain it or to keep it going I don't know I really don't and I'm even now debating whether to go into uni or not. You know what I am I'm gonna set my alarm I might have to run late although for 6.30 I can leave at 7.35 at the latest I think I'm actually terrified of all my new dipping again I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who was in the stream though that was being nice to me and decent about things because it was all like oh it's fine it's fine it's fine and it helped because I mean I still feel fucking out of it like I kept disconnecting and dissociating and forgetting and then happening again. I normally edit it out when that happens but I just delete it because it's the one thing with my mental health that 100% bothers me all the time. I hate the fact that I don't feel like I'm present in anything everything I do feels like it's hazy and not really happening like I could be lying in bed and then I'd get up go and do something then get back in bed and then tell me it's never like that I actually get out but I just imagine it living like that it's horrible it's so hard it really is it it fucks me ahead it makes you feel I hate it I have to write down pretty much everything I do and I don't know it just makes me feel pretty shit about it all I don't know anyway I'm gonna try and get some sleep bye. So now you've watched that I hope that gave you some insight into the aftermath of a dissociative moment if you are interested in seeing what it looks like when I dissociate I'll leave a link to the live stream in the description I'll also leave a link in the description to the other video I did on dissociation well the other videos I've done videos now on dissociation and other videos which are good dissociation needs to be talked about it's not very commonly talked about and it's weird there's not quite common as well if you're new here hit the subscribe button ring the little bell who's dinga-linga-ling it doesn't go ding-ling-ling but it'd be cool if it did YouTube ring the little bell ring the ding-a-ling ring the ding-a-ling what's wrong with me yeah if you're new here hit the subscribe button if you're interested in more about my relationship to your life and everything I've done this year my book is in the description down below it's available on kindle and paperback a new edition will be out very soon and I will see you soon if you guys want to leave a comment please put a question I want to do a Q&A at some point put a question put a video request leave it in the description down below and you'll get made I'm gonna go because it is nearly 11 o'clock in the evening and I have not my meds yet and I feel really wired and I need to sleep at some point because I've got uni at 9 am I have to be on the underground for 7.35 so yes I'm gonna go and I'll see you soon I feel tired I did a two hour live stream today oh I'm fucking dead I find it funny how I made a video about dissociation and I managed to trick myself in it by talking about my acts and then dissociate it it's mental health isn't it anyway I actually do need to do that I need a drink I don't know I don't want it off I was originally gonna be putting up a video about police and mental health today but I'm gonna film that it's on Saturday because it's gonna take a lot of planning I'll turn around wow hello also my current girlfriend Serenity has a YouTube channel link is in the description we like Serenity Serenity is a nice support person who won is an emotionally abusive who isn't manipulative and three is the biggest we are ever I'm getting to stop you again I sent Serenity a really softly message the other day peace