 Good morning, my beautiful internet friends. One of the most surprising parts of this whole journey since I started making my amputation journey public is that my story is really not unique. And many of you have reached out to me saying that you are living in chronic pain every day. You have for years you've been through surgery after surgery, which was exactly my story. And now you're trying to decide if you should amputate a leg or an arm or something or if you should continue to live in pain. And something that hit me today as I was going through messages is first of all, I am not equipped to give advice. I am really not equipped to advise anyone on any situation like this. The only thing that I can do is share my own personal experience and that is literally at any decision like this should be made. First, with medical professionals. Secondly, with the input of people who know you, people who love you, and it's your decision most of all. With that being said, I get so many messages and I honestly try to respond to all of them but a lot of them are similar questions. Hey, what was your thought process? Hey, I'm going through this and I feel so lost and alone and I don't know how to think about this. I don't know how to consider it. I don't know how to actually like pull the trigger on this. And so I wanted to make just a quick video for anyone who ever has to make this decision so that it's out there and so that's what this is. I wanted to start by saying that I understand that this is like the most bizarre decision you ever will have to make. Hopefully I know that it was for me. I couldn't really wrap my mind around the fact that like I was making a decision to chop my leg off so that I could actually live life. If you don't know my story, I'm gonna link it in the description down below so you can have a more full understanding of why I made this decision but I don't want to bore you with that if you already know my story. I get that it's weird and that there isn't a handbook for like how to decide to amputate your leg if you are in so much pain and don't have good options left. It is such a bizarre and a weird experience to even think about making this kind of decision. And I know that for me it also got really lonely really quickly because it's hard to make people understand who are not in your position, how hard it is to live in chronic pain. Now I'm talking about this from a perspective where I was in pain every day for years and it got worse and worse. And so if I brought this up with people, generally their response was to shut it down and be like no no no no you can't you can't you cannot amputate your leg. That's the last resort. Don't do that. Why would you do that? Don't even consider that. They could not conceive of a world in which that would be better in which missing a body part in which being forever changed, looking different, being an amputee would be better than living in pain, limping if I could walk, not being able to walk some days. They couldn't imagine that that would be better. I was really lucky that there were a few people in my life who understood because they knew me since day one when I fell off the horse and shattered my ankle 14 years ago and they saw me throughout this whole process and knew that I was done and I wanted to actually live life again. So if you don't have people like that around you who understand why you might be considering this, I would urge you to reach out and find them and that can be found in the form of like Facebook groups. I found a lot of support and a lot of answers to my questions in just like typing the Facebook search bar like amputee support groups and asking for acceptance into one and then asking respectful questions, explaining your situation, maybe what's going on and asking for input. People are usually really helpful and are willing to share their stories with you and you can maybe feel a little bit less alone. Now with that being said, something else that I did immediately as soon as I knew that I was really considering this. Like seriously thinking about this, it might be a possibility in the near future was I found a therapist. I was already meeting with one for other issues, but we redirected everything to thinking about amputation and to working through exactly what my motivations were, exactly what my thoughts were about that, maybe what I wasn't thinking about. That was even before I met with a surgeon to realistically discuss this, before I met with my surgeon at Denver. I would so strongly recommend that. I think if there's one recommendation that I could make, it would be if you can't, if there's any way that you have the means, if there's any programs in your area, if you can find a therapist online, there are a lot of cheaper programs. I'll link some in the description below that not sponsored at all. Find a licensed counselor therapist to talk to you about this, maybe even before you're talking to your doctor about that way when you go to speak with them, you're more equipped to put things into words. It's maybe a little bit less overwhelming and maybe in the process of talking to a counselor, you realize more of what you do or what you don't want and why you want it or why you don't want it. It was very helpful for me to be able to do that. People have asked me if that was a requirement. I know that for some insurance or some surgeons, I think it is. For me, it wasn't. When I went to see that surgeon who actually performed the amputation, he was aware that I was always already seeing a therapist, but it wasn't a requirement to actually have it done. Also, I stayed with my therapist from when I considered it all throughout having surgery and to present date. I am actually literally meeting with her in four hours to continue counseling. It's been four months since amputation and guess what? It's not easy. They're stuff that comes up. I've been struggling with anxiety and depression and body image change is kind of odd and people staring at you takes a little while to get used to and there are changes in relationships and families and stuff like that. There are adjustments and it really helps to have someone with you along that journey. If you are making this decision, I could not recommend strongly enough that you talk to a therapist. Okay, so you have some kind of support system. Maybe you found an online support group or something like that. You're maybe talking to a therapist. How do you help clarify this idea more clearly for yourself? A question that really helped me process through my feelings about it is something that my friend Abby asked me to do, a little mental exercise. She said to picture my two options and just focus on how I felt about it. Like leave all rationalization at the door and just focus on my feelings. A pretty heavy thing to say, I know, but it actually was very helpful. So I sat, I closed my eyes and I thought about how I felt about the future going forward, having an ankle replacement which had a very low success rate, going through more surgeries, maybe not doing anything at all, continuing to walk around limping, going in the path that I had been going through, but keeping my leg. I focused on how I felt about that and then I focused on how I felt about losing my leg, about going into surgery, literally coming out, missing a part of my body forever, a decision I couldn't take back, but having a chance at life without pain, without as much pain, being able to walk, maybe being able to run one day, having more freedom and it was really clear to me that looking down path A, which is the path that I was on, I literally felt like I was in a dark tunnel. Like I felt like everything was closing in. I felt so much more depression, but when I looked down the other path, it felt like there was sunlight at the end. I literally felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders when I thought about that option and so that helped me clarify it. There's so much more that goes into decision than just thinking about your feelings about it, but it really helped me clarify how I felt about it to just focus on what emotions came up for me and what my even physical body felt like, picturing those two realities. I literally felt lighter thinking about amputation instead. The next thing I would recommend, I know this sounds cheesy because hey, I'm on YouTube, but watch a lot of videos, watch a lot of YouTube videos, at least that is what helped me. I found a number of YouTubers who I really liked who gave good advice, good recommendations or talked honestly about their journey as an amputee and I have linked all of those in the description down below for you. I tried to absorb as much information as I could about what life might look like as a new amputee, as a below the knee amputee because that was the kind of amputation that I was facing. I wanted to go into this knowing as much information as I could and having as clear of a picture of that reality as I could. But let me say that with a caveat, it is impossible to find all the answers that you're going to need along your journey before you start it, if you are going to move forward with some kind of amputation. I wanted to find all the answers, but then I realized I'm not even going to know to ask all the right questions. It is a totally new world and I'm learning stuff literally every day and that's okay. But like I said, there are questions that you're not even going to know to ask and that's honestly okay. So do your research, find out as much as you can about what life might look like with whatever kind of amputation you're facing, but at the end of the day, know that there's only so much you can find out and it's okay. This probably goes without saying, but don't rush it. Don't rush this decision. I was sure pretty early on that this was the right thing for me because it had been in the back of my mind for a while. Like I knew that it was going to end here anyways eventually, but when I realized that it was coming a lot sooner than I thought it was going to, I made peace with that pretty quickly because I wanted to move forward. I wanted to live life, but also there is no need to rush that decision. If you aren't sure, if you're waffling back and forth, if you don't have things in place, if you aren't really sure, don't jump into it. Take your time with this. Think it over. Reach out to people. Talk to family. Talk to friends. Talk to other amputees. Join support groups. Talk to your doctors. Explore this as much as you can. Do research and take your time with it. If you have that option, again, not everybody does. I'm just talking about this from my perspective where I was able to choose the time, which I will always be grateful for. I don't think I necessarily rushed it, but I also know that if they would have done it the day that I decided, I probably would have let them and that would have been a mistake. So let yourself have time to adjust to the idea. I'll put links down below to videos where my husband and my dad are talking about their reactions to my decision on this experience, but family and friends can be difficult to deal with. Like I said in the beginning of the video, people don't always get this. It's really important in my opinion to talk to people to, depending on how they react to you and how healthy a relationship is, to ask for advice, to ask for wisdom from people who you believe are wise. At the same time, at the end of the day, this is your body. You are the one who is living in pain. It is your decision. And if no one told you that recently, I'll just say it again. This is your body and this is your decision. It's between you and your doctors. And if other people disagree with it, but your doctors are on board and you know it's right, then you know it's right. And it's okay if they disagree. And they'll come around eventually or they won't. And I don't want that to sound harsh, but the reality is, is like I said, it's your body. It's your choice. And you will find a support system and maybe that person who disagrees isn't going to be a part of that and that can be hard to deal with. But there are other people out there and you will find support. I'll just add two more things. One, if there are amputees you can actually meet with and talk to in person, that is super helpful. I was able to meet up with a woman about my age in person, actually at a prosthetics office before my surgery, before I even made the decision. It was so helpful because she gave me a lot of information I did not know even to ask. She was very helpful. I got to see like how her prosthetic work, like how she put it on, how she took it off. She gave me pointers like your prosthetic like makes or breaks, you know, the whole recovery process, at least that was her experience. And just told me a lot about actual life as an amputee and having that face to face time was really helpful. Now that's obviously not going to be an option for everybody, but if you can reach out to prosthetics offices in the area and ask, I mean, do you have like any representatives who are actually amputees who I could talk to? Or do you have any amputees with this kind of amputation that I'm facing who want to chat? You know, can I buy them a cup of coffee or anything like that? It doesn't hurt to ask. But like I said, your best bet may just be online and support groups asking people if they're willing to chat and please always be very respectful because not everyone's going to want to talk about their story or about their amputation. The very last thing I'll say before I let you guys go is I think we all like to think that we can predict how we're going to feel. Even though in the last video I made before surgery, I said, I know that I can't predict how I'm going to feel about this. I still had so many assumptions about how I would react to things. You're not going to know how you're going to feel about yourself, about prosthetics, about being an amputee, about all of that until you actually get there. And again, that's okay. If you do decide to move forward with this, if this is something that you, that your medical team decide is the right choice for you, I would try to encourage you to let go of as many expectations of yourself about how you should feel as you can. I thought that I would not at all have an issue with people staring at me because like whatever, who cares? I did. And then I felt like guilt for feeling shame about people looking at me and just like added this whole other component to it. If you can, try to just go with it. Go with the experience. Feel what you feel. Try to not make yourself feel things and make sure you lean on your support system. Okay guys, so that this is not a 25 minute video or however long this is now, I'll stop there. But like I said, I realized I was not alone as I began making this journey public. If I'm not alone, neither are you. If you're facing this, I know it's lonely. I know it's weird, but you're not the only person out there who's dealing with these kinds of questions. So like I said, find support. I promise you it's out there. I hope some of these suggestions were helpful or maybe different than what you've thought of before. Let me know in the comment section how you're doing, what you're facing, what you're feeling. And I'm so honored that so many of you have chosen to share your stories with me. I really appreciate it. Thank you guys. I look forward to seeing you in the next video. Bye.