 She's a mestiza born and raised in the California Central Valley where she's worked every job from laborer to barista waitress editor and administrative Assistant, please welcome Sarah a shot that So I thought I would share I actually my little chapbook came out this past summer, so I have one right here I'm gonna read a little bit from that and then maybe some of my like Fresno Central Valley poetry, maybe like one So the only thing that I think is helpful to know about the chapbook is that the they're all letters that are sort of like elegy letters from the speaker to To a woman that she loved who is gone and they all start with dear Carol This first one's a sectional one Dear Carol you never told me silence could be so satisfying The other day, I almost told another stranger to fuck off It took all I had to look through the filmy windshield of her boxy fiat and lock eyes with her She pretended not to see me in the she pretended not to see me as she cally rolled six inches from my legs I arrest you with my gaze I said in my head as she gave a half smile and shrugged like what can a girl do But I kept my gaze steady until I put one foot on the sidewalk then looked away releasing her to You did tell me words were dangerous Not words themselves mind you signifier and signified and all that shit Not that you or I knew that then but you knew the words themselves meant nothing Unless they reached the ears of another person then watch out Like that time we were walking home from six-star factory outlet And that guy leaned his balding head out the window to whistle and I told him where he could shove that whistle He chased us across the parking lot in his beat-up Bonneville Until we got to a chain link fence with a hole I shimmyed up that motherfucker while you tried to squeeze through and damn. Did you get stuck? I Laughed and it was the power of that laugh that freed you Laughter is so much stronger than crying. I Couldn't believe the way your round ass got stuck the ragged chain links clawing at your curvy hips Catching at the button of your jeans like Winnie the Pooh at rabbits. I kept repeating It didn't hurt when you slapped me in the arm the next day, but I stopped repeating it anyhow I knew for your lazy ass to put down the cigarette and try to inflict harm. It must have actually bothered you three Today I counted the number of people taking the bus because they had to Versus the keen wearing granola types trying to reduce their carbon footprint. I wish you'd lived Long enough to take the bus to save Mother Earth Not that you would have you'd probably drive a pink Cadillac that twinkled in the sun with hypnotic hubcaps I'd probably be ashamed to know you I'd stand at the bus stop next to some hipster with a fixie and one of those BPA free stainless steel water bottles And we'd see your caddy speeding down blackstone and that hipster'd say what kind of a woman drives a car like that I'd nod some kind of new money pimp But you just like to be surrounded by beautiful things At least that's what you'd say while tucking a stray hair behind my ear with your fleshy white fingers beautiful things I Would giggle if you were in front of me now I'm a feminist. I'd respond in my present college educated mind I'd cross my arms under my chest to underline my seriousness all the while Still feeling the heat of your touch against my ear What's funny is that normally I have a BPA free stainless steel water bottle like right next to me and I forgot it today It wasn't a prop to begin with but then it just ended up being funny Dear Carol I Saw a dog that looked like shadow. I haven't thought about him in years Maybe even years from the last year. I saw you which has been more years than I can face That fucking dog so sad looking big cloying eyes round in his big black face That stub tail the long spidery legs The long spidery legs that pratt that sprouted from a doxin body The loose hung ears of a bloodhound that flopped into his food while he ate the plated fur of a burga Moscow It was this if the universe had been playing mix-em-ups with spare dog parts Everything about his construction went against the idea that God had a plan But then again, that's what your mom said about us Shadow was the embodiment of moving forward without a plan of sick and sloppy love of everything That made sense to us and I wish we'd never brought him home If we'd never met him never been licked by his fat pink tongue Been warmed by the heat of his solid body on the couch watching Buffy the vampire slayer We'd never have known the desiccated emptiness of every night after the night We found his bed vacant and the back door yawning in the stasis of moonlight It doesn't matter how loud or late into the night you call someone's name if they're gone they're gone The worst part was not knowing whether some lonely crackhead broke in to steal the TV But found shadow more valuable or whether he opened those sad eyes After a nap took a good long look around that filthy mobile home with its leaky plumbing stained carpet piles of weak old dirty laundry and cheap dog food and thought fuck this popsicle stand And knows the ill-fitting door from the lock I'm gonna read one more from the chatbook Dear Carol, I Think I'm gonna start publishing these letters in every newspaper in circulation in California. I Keep having this dream. You're not really dead They started three days after the email from your lover who I never met who for all I know Wasn't real who if she was didn't know who I was or what we were But was just some pawn in your fucked up game invented to hurt me How self-centered is that that I would believe you loved me so much to hate me so much That you'd fake your own death That you'd research the symptoms and deterioration of the body by erectile cancer Just so you could email them to me and the guys of a lover Email them to me while I was at work in the middle of the kind of sterile office You hated in the kind of recovery center. You didn't believe in for days afterward I kept feeling I was being watched. I could feel your cold hard stare I sing my spine and at first I thought you were mad dogging me from hell, but then why was it cold? It must have been that you were peeking around the corner at save mart Seeing if I would cry while reading the ingredient label on hot pockets While I tapped the green streaked shell of a watermelon. I Could have sworn you were outside the cafe that used to be Java Leaning your round shoulder against the grimy brick Marlboro smoke curling about your head, but none of my friends knew you None of them had seen you and they were all too college smart for lying and revenge Too smart for the possibility of undead haunts Only you would have believed me Only you would have seen the possibility of such an option the power Inherent in hiding in the pretext of death That's why this was so ingenious Why I want to publish these letters in the Merced Sun Star the Berkeley Daily Planet Intermountain News the Desert Dispatch the Palo Verde Valley Times the Daily Triplicate the Culver City Observer the Humboldt Beacon the Sentinel the King City Rustler and Idle Wild Town Crier. I Want you to know that I know I Want the new people in your life after death Maybe even that emailing lover to ask you how long you plan to let this go on How long is long enough and then I'll just share one one more quick one I've been working on new a new series and I really like turtles I They're just awesome. They're you know like slow and lumbary, but like really sturdy and Yeah, they're just like they're just really cool And they don't get a gender until like three quarters of the way like they don't have a biological sex No turtles have gender a biological sex until I realized I said that I was like, what am I saying? Until like halfway through their little egg process and I was everything to do with heat and I was like, that's awesome So I'll just share with you one of I have a new series of turtle poems and that's just sort of a re-envisioning of The Native American myth Where the turtle carries the earth so I'll just read the first one in that it's called when turtle first began to carry the earth When turtle first began to carry the earth there was only turtle as There was only canine and feline only snake and bird only rabbit and fish Of course, there was no earth either Only land and water enough to comfortably sleep and feed and play the animals who enjoyed each other's company creatures of the land and of the water all jumped and played and made up harmonious songs in honor of one another's differences Turtles favorite song was the song feline sang to him as they munched leaves and bathed each other's faces Oh turtle friend. Oh turtle friend your shell is a lovely home Your shell is a lovely home your eyes wise and sweet your eyes wise and sweet In return turtle sang to her. Oh feline friend. Oh feline friend your fur is lush and sleek Your fur is lush and sleek your whiskers wise and soft your whiskers wise and soft Many times as turtle held the earth He sang these songs softly to himself When he closed his wise eyes, he could hear her vibrato purr. Oh turtle friend. Oh turtle friend Thank you. Thank you Sarah Chavez. I love turtle friend