 What are some Asian traditions that you've decided to let die with you? What an interesting question What a dramatic phrasing We're talking about a viral Reddit thread today from Asian American Reddit long story short You know, these are some things that people were very unhappy with that happened to them as a child And they want to let these traditions die with them joining us today to discuss is a social media consultant influencer What else Nelson young appreciate you guys have me on the show I this is a very triggering subject, but I'm ready. Yeah, I mean long story short It was written by a Bengali American. It was a girl I believe she was born to Bengali and Indian parents and she says the number one thing I'm gonna let die is comparing my kids achievements to other kids growing up My mom was in a contest with other New Jersey Indian moms basically to see whose kids were achieving the most It was so toxic. It was so hard. It's ruined our relationships and guess what? I still feel some type of way about it in my 30s. Wow. All right So everybody actually in the comment section gave their things that they want to let die as in things They don't like about traditional Asian culture that they will not carry on. This is not a positive place This is indeed a list of things that they don't like But once one thing that they probably will like is small ass sauce our very own finishing oil Such one truffle made in America. Check it out on the Instagram right now at smaller sauce But yeah, everybody, please hit that like button as we go through this and hopefully you can also comment down below Some other aspects of Asian culture that you don't like Let's be clear here though This girl did say that she ended up going to an Ivy League school to appease her mom Her mom was able to defeat all the other New Jersey Indian moms But she clearly is very unhappy about it. Do you see this kids who did it and achieve the You know the accolade or the achievement that they're high expectation paradise But they're like still like very bent out of shape and resentful of it hundred percent I mean, I think you know, I just think that there's just so much pressure, especially from immigrant parents You know, they want a better lives for their kids and they have themselves It's a lot of pressure and I think in that spirit of comparison, you know, it's it's just bad news You know either way, I don't I just think that's super. Yeah. No, I think to defend the parents They were gonna be like Well, you see the results you got the results happens. We guys I'm quite I would take the outcome That's that's sorry, but I have to do it again. I would do it again No, so you're saying that you would think that her Indian mom will accept this strange relationship because she won the game of what her Yeah, but it seems like the daughter is very do you think that I wonder if the truth is the daughter would Go and be the state school kid and pass the Ivy League accolade on to somebody else though Well, it seems like you've won but at what cost Yeah, so I guess it kind of comes down to are the parents this is a really funny question are the parents willing to take the result Over having a good relationship with their kid long-term. Um, I think it varies parent-per-parent, right? Yeah, like that's crazy I'll tell you this if you were one of the hardcore Ivy League parents where it's like the parents were they just drove you out of the most Unlikeliest probabilities to that level. I think they will take it because they got the outcome I think so, you know, I think it's you know, the the ends justify the means I think and that's a very very typical mindset But I don't think it's right because I think that that's still layered in years of trauma You know and that kind of stuff takes a while to unravel All right So real quick before we go in the comment section because there are a lot of things that people would let die even down to like Confucianism and Taoism anyways, what are some things real quick that you would let die that you're not gonna raise your kid with? Let's go Go for it. I would say probably buying really low quality items, you know, I mean sometimes dollar store items I know dollar stores like barely even exist in society anymore, but I think there's like, you know, there's what you do Amazon, right? Just so get you know, there's good cheap items on Amazon that are highly rated that have been verified by thousands and thousands of purchases Stop buying horribly cheap horribly made cheap items and just go one notch up still find an affordable item But way better quality. Well, how about this one guys? And I think we could all agree with this despite our own personal interests and skin in the game valuing the sons over the daughters Oh, yeah, I hate that. That's the worst man. It's perpetuating. You know that misogyny. It's yeah Yeah, no I mean when I heard my that our oldest sister kind of felt that growing up when I grew up I felt really bad because I had no idea really that that was happening Right because it was it wasn't our family wasn't the worst at it, but they did it a little bit I mean, I'm I have two sisters. I'm the middle child, you know, sometimes I could feel that pressure But sometimes I could feel that That slight advantage or I feel I could feel that preferential treatment heavy ways the Prince When you get older you it can strain the relationship at least for a while between you and your sisters Yeah, for no reason and you're just like, I don't know what I did right Yeah, but it depends on how tap they are into like the family life You know what I mean? Like, you know some people's gaze is like very family centric But other people's is more into the American pop cultural society Horting things wrapping your remote whack, of course, obviously nowadays Do you think that sometimes Asian Americans like they should mix and match, right? realistically, they should mix and match things and I think But I think you know, that's what I was, you know, bringing up I just think that I'm really curious about the origins of that mentality of like Preserving stuff whether that is Not even taking off the wrapper off your TV and you've had that TV for five years or you know keeping your couch covered or you know Wrapping your remote and saran wrap like where's that mentality? I don't know. Maybe maybe it goes back to preserving I just think I'm just saying we get a lot of preserved veggies I mean, I believe that too But I just think you just got to use it enjoy it like these are these are just material possessions, right? Right sort of like the nice glassware that sits up in the cupboard for a special occasion, right? Yeah, or that bottle of you know exo or something like that That's you know, they they you know end up breaking out every couple years, but yeah I think it's important. Let's get into the comment section so we can see and then we'll also talk about some other things That maybe we should keep but these are things that people want to get rid of somebody said I stopped encouraging my kids by belittling them because they felt like obviously being Asian There's a lot of negative reinforcement to get certain behavioral outcomes. Love. Yeah. Yeah, didn't you say your sister is like a Psychologist, right? Yeah, she is she would not encourage typical negative reinforcement Asian parenting, right? Highly doubt that Basically is modern American psychology basically against almost like 80% of the way that like man Asian parents raise next Pod needs to have like a clinical like family psychologist Yeah, like an Asian one that got raised the old school way to learn the new school way. Oh, yeah Somebody said Confucianism and Taoism. I'm too American for that and it is an improper system for the modern world I thought this one was hilarious. I mean, I think to chuck everything from Confucianism and Taoism I think you can pick and choose whatever fits your life But you're not wrong if you feel like that Confucianism does not work in your life in the Western world in America Then I always tell people man a lot of people they try to rank puzzle pieces is puzzle piece D better than puzzle piece E They're just it's about fitment. Yeah, the puzzle pieces fit It's not really about yeah ranking the puzzle pieces because they're all are important to the making the puzzle But does the undertone of Confucianism and Taoism Kind of also make us who we are as Asians. That's part of it, too I think so for all the pros and cons to be honest probably as economically on a macro level median statistics have been good, but also getting picked on Probably in perpetuity socially. Um, somebody said my husband and I didn't do a tea ceremony My family didn't receive a dowry the groom's family didn't pay for the wedding What do you guys think about doing away with all these, you know dowry in the old things from the 500 years ago I think every marriage and every every relationship is a bit different. I think communicating those things is fairly important Some, you know, some families might value those traditions a lot more than others So I think it's just worthwhile to just be respectful and have those conversations. And are you doing the dowry? No The age hierarchy my mom is black and my dad is Chinese and both cultures have that exact age thing They basically both raised me to believe that elder means automatically smarter and more respectable I'm stomping that out quick. You're more respectable when you're more respectable not because you're older Okay Now I think a lot of people use the age thing because it's simple and easy and obviously plays into the older The elders system, right? But if you're raising your kids, how do they know that you're respectful as a parent and that they have to respect you? Because it's not about the age of power thing, right? It might be actions speak louder than the words in that situation Yeah, I would say It obviously it depends like you should be have a minimum baseline respect But you don't need to provide extreme respect to people just because they're older if they don't have an earned or they're not acting Respectable man of themselves, especially it's America's a very variable society But then this person's gonna have to really teach their kid on how to read respect ability They're gonna have to be able to see it. So that's complicated. But yeah, I can agree Yeah, nuanced reads are always better. But like you said, you need more apparatus and way more coaching and Capacities yeah, somebody said if I ever had children, I'm not gonna force them to follow a path in life That just makes them not want to live a life that isn't their own and heavily resent their parents from their dreams Don't want to be a doctor engineer lawyer, etc. Okay, I'll support you and whatever you want to be in life Yeah, I feel like this is fair, but this always comes with caveats, right? Like I would say I can imagine as a parent I'm gonna want my kid to pursue what they're good at and what they're passionate about and what is positive I feel like too many parents are like, no, I want my kid to be happy and just make all the decisions And I'm like, well, what if your kid wants to be like this like that's clearly just not a practical thing to become You know what I mean? So I feel like in my opinion Be happy but with kind of limitations I think like information and wisdom is gonna be a big part of that right like and I think as parents and as and people You surround yourself with when you're making these career decisions or decisions as far as going to school What you're gonna study. You just have to be around wisdom. You got to be around information, right? You just got to make those better informed decisions This guy said I will admit my mistakes and apologize to my kid when I do wrong and not let my pride as a parent Or elder get in the way obviously they're indicating that they were raised without their parents Apologizing for mistakes. Sure. Yeah, I do think Apologizing the right way and acknowledging when you are a parent and you're wrong to your kid can actually go a long way It actually can build respect. I agree She also said my kid will learn about her heritage through the lens of good as well as the bad And she can choose as much or as little as she wants to embrace rather than getting preached heritage as all just good That's interesting. All heritage is good Yeah, definitely some people are holding on to the old ways that their parents and grandparents do things even when it's Probably not a good idea, right? This is a Filipino American mom said For me money and prestige of work will just be a bonus for her like cherry on the top You know toppings on top of the ice cream not required. I just want her to be happy strong and safe Mmm, I could feel that though. Yeah, I could feel that though Man, it's so tough to even say that though. Like I almost feel like it's like Asian parents would be like I want them to feel happy strong and safe But I still wanted to be accomplished when you know, there's so like beating into you over so many Amongst us. Do you guys feel at all a little bit of that feeling where you even though we're American? It's like I'm not gonna just let my kid do whatever they want like I'm gonna still Roll too far from the tree You I still feel like in my hand at least that I'm gonna be a little strict I that's how I imagine that we have this desire to be excellent and that's not a bad trait But the question is how are you gonna make that happen? Right, and I think we all know to there's ways we need to fix the previous generations Parenting methods, but there's also, you know letting a kid do whatever they want It's not gonna work either they can't be parented by an iPad, right? And they can't be parented you can't just leave it up to the school system either. That's that's a huge disadvantage Yeah, no I mean, it's like saying you're a basketball coach and you're training your kids too hard The the right method is not to just train them too soft, right immediately, right? Like you can't just oscillate between two extremes on a pendulum. Yeah, that's a good way to put it We all still imagine our kids to be excellent. That's a good point Somebody said I'm a parent and I'm open realistic with my kids about the world around them I'm Vietnamese and my mom never talked about sex relationships romantic friends or work feeling self-worth or social expectations with me It was always do your schoolwork and that's it I encourage my kids to explore trying new things build relationships with the people around them and that success and happiness come in many different Forms and other people were agreeing with them saying that mandating sex is the number one thing that's most awkward for my Indian parents And I just feel like this person was saying that Hinduism created the karma sutra But then British people made Indians feel bad about it And now it's one of the most sex-negative cultures switching over from one of the most sex positive cultures due to colonialism and all this stuff I was like, oh interesting very interesting. I didn't know about all that but it makes sense. I can see that. Yeah So I guess um, yeah, how about what about dating and like people really? Hate that a lot of Asian cultures whether it was through ancient culture that tumultuous recent wars or cultural Turmoil or it was just the experience of needing to survive in the West. They were very very non Coaching about sex and relationships. I just think it's it's there There is like a a thin line between when's the right time to talk about those things But at the same time I think parents it's like I don't know I grew up without any type of sex ed especially with my parents I think they felt too awkward and I think there was a lot of shame involved and I don't think it was their fault I think that's just how they grew up, but on the other hand, I don't know I might be basically the equivalent of a real control that's wrapped up in saran wrap I mean, it's it's like I feel like a personally. I've been a late bloomer in a lot of ways But I think a lot of that's because my parents and broach those topics and I had to like learn it through other means Right and I just think you know, I just think our parents maybe just didn't have that themselves and Yeah, this girl said that the advice she got from her mom when she said that she was having a hard time dating was Well, you're fat and you don't work at McKinsey. That's why nobody wants you Oh Terrible that is Horribly funny though. That is hilarious. That is hilarious. I'm sorry. I feel bad for them And the mom shouldn't have done it, but that's funny. Um somebody said fighting and sneaking to pay the check at a restaurant I would like to effing relax and enjoy my meal Thanks not constantly be waiting for the opportunities slip the waiter my credit card And then I got to keep track over months and however long I had who paid last time f that just split the dang check or take turns All right fighting for the bill. I thought they were why is he saying take turns? I mean, he's how do we feel about do we go to split the check Nelson when you're with your friends? I I would prefer to preserve that aspect of Asian culture I think that if you were to look at it from the lens of generosity But once again, you have to be on the same page with your friends. Otherwise, it's always gonna you're gonna start resenting You're gonna start. Oh, the system is gonna break down. Yeah, I think communications a big deal with it I think it has to do with how big the bill is if the bill is like 30 40 bucks a person It's I feel right. Yeah, don't even track People was ordering King Louie and all this stuff. Yeah, definitely be splitting that depends on how many people what's the I would say the unwritten rule is like if you Took them out and I let's say Nelson like I needed help from you for something You're my friend But I did want your like help with something and I just you know, can I take you to lunch? Obviously, that's gonna be on me. It matters what industry you're in, right? Yeah, because if you're all like a small business guys You there may be goodwill aspects. Exactly. I think that People who deal in the business world, whether it's corporate business or owning your own business You understand the idea of networking with a meal and all this stuff And it's not because you're always trying to squeeze something out of a friend. But yeah, it's just it's just a nice thing to do It's kind of like hey, I'll see you again, right? You got me next time cool But yeah, I agree man I think like those aspects of respect and those aspects of generosity once again with the right intention Those are really good traits, you know, whether that's like, you know, growing up going to family members or a relatives home, you know greeting everybody calling them aunt and uncle, right and and saying goodbye to everybody Everyone and saying, you know, ma-man sick and all this kind of stuff all the all the the trite sayings But those things are actually good. I feel like do you still you say ma-man sick? Like I do with my aunts and uncles if I remember but not you if we were eating together No, but I would say though I would definitely be conscientious of things like your table manners and your conscientious of of hosting and having that mentality But I have to check that myself sometimes, you know thinking about I got invited to a friend's house for a dinner party I'm not gonna come empty-handed And the reason why I think that is a lot of people come in now with an entitlement or they've lost that aspect of Hospitality, yeah, no, that's a good point, too I think that Man a lot of people are like, oh, I don't want my kids to say have to say goodbye to all the elders and relatives and uncles and each one But I'm like why not it is but it's like it kind of makes us who we are too and it makes us different From I guess a baseline Hollywood American TV family or like high schoolers or whatever And I don't know part of me thinks that a lot of these people Andrew are just vocalizing this thing because they were unhappy with Their childhood don't blame it on the fact that you had to say bye to everybody But I could see if you didn't like your uncle and your aunties and you didn't like how it was treating you or you whatever Perception or the versus the reality then you would fault it But I could see if you really loved your aunts and your uncles why wouldn't you want to respect them and say goodbye to them? Let me bring up this point though. I Do think though the the lost art of generosity and that lost art of treating people that lost art of Hosting whether it's hosting your own home if we think about our previous generations. Yeah inflation aside, right? Man, those are costly. It's not just costly financially. I can't even imagine, you know Some of the bills my uncles and aunts and my dad and whatever my grandparents like picked up like they had to be you know If you're gonna pay the bill of a 20-person dim sum or our formal dinner I mean that's got to be in a thousands at times, right? And so like that's a and when you look back sometimes you're like, man I'm actually that age when those aunts and uncles were treating or covering these bills And they did it without complaint and they did it without they did it without any sort of second thought And I think it's like it's not just costly and then when you're hosting dinner parties at home or you're hosting family It's it's also Costs these first effort right and and like in just in terms of time effort. So those things that those are really good quality But but you know at the same time like you said there's also a unwritten responsibility of the host to do a good job You have things for your guests. You're gonna you're gonna treat them. You have food for them You can't hey guys. I'm hosting a dinner party have like two entrees and not enough food And sometimes there's your judge on that performance exactly or your judge on how generous of a host you are but I don't even think this whole thing is Necessary Asian culture hosting dinners That's like I feel like the way we host dinners or you would imagine it in the West is based off of like how Western people Yeah, technically, but I'm still think it's driven by different motivations. Yeah, like the outcomes may be the same but the It's different. Yeah, I believe that yeah, um this person was saying that you know, they always got compared to some kids growing up and they never felt like they could achieve it and They're their friends daughter Diana was so smart She went to Ivy League school became a doctor But guess what now Diana doesn't even talk to her parents anymore and me and my brother weren't the highest achievers But we take care of my dad because my dad came across a health issue and now he's so grateful for us Because we're in his life and even though Diana became a doctor and went to Ivy League school She's not even in her parents life anymore because how hard they pushed her and prodded her She has resentment for them. So she goes so how to how does my parents feel about that now because I'm taking care of them Yeah That's pretty funny. I mean, it's a funny way to justify and Rationalize like I get I don't want to say underachievement but not achieving as well and get it though because you know Life can go so many different ways And I don't think all parents are the same and obviously one parent really really wanted a certain life for their kid and push Them to the point of resentment and one parent was a little bit more chill and created happy helpful loving kids and that is That's how it's probably gonna go if you made me say probability wise that makes sense Right. Um, somebody said having my culture tradition of having my dad name our kids. I'm not letting my dad name our kids That's funny. Yeah, um, I think one way around this is like at least in Chinese culture. It's like the the The grandfather to do like or the dad could do that the Chinese names Yes, but not the English name and not make the English name a Chinese name because you're right that that might complicate Somebody's upbringing. Yeah, I agree. I would have my dad come up with the Chinese name for sure Which he is doing for our nephews. Yeah, I mean this one was just talking about how Asian societies are so unforgiving towards mistakes One minor mistake at home or work and you get yelled at the shaming All the academic achievements all the times I got yelled at for not being able to do math work books at the highest level or like not giving giving like getting A's and stuff like that and being made like feel very small or very like low for something that other kids would get praised for Oh, yeah, you know, you get a B plus. Why did you get a B? Right? You're your white classmates. Hey, we're gonna get an ice cream cake cuz you got a B plus like It is different right when you see that and you're just like you're like some it breaks some kids I gotta say for Asian Americans man The big advantage that we have is that we have choices to make and it's like hey We get to be a little strict and carry over a little bit of that shaming that we went through But we're gonna have the eyes in the vision to see when it's really breaking our kid down When our parents didn't really have those goggles on they didn't have the night vision to see what was going on We're gonna have the better vision So if you want to be strict you at least equipped with that EQ to scan your kid and be like, okay You know what? I'm going to I'm reaching my limit right now with my kid. I should tone it down for him Wow versus yeah, we didn't have that. It was just toppling on top on top on top You know that that that stereotypical push for Asian parents to put their kids through music and like Piano classes and lessons a lot. What's your story and things? What's your stance on all that? I? Because it's very expensive Man, I don't like it just because I just think it's outmoded You know a lot of Victorian era like French Marie Antoinette Things are British-y things from the fencing and things like that equestrian I I get why because especially if you're from Hong Kong or you know a former colony that had a lot of There's a lot of history with a lot of elite Western people in the 18 or 1900s. You're so impacted by that But I don't like it I would be curious if parents these days should instead put those funds into instead of music tutoring if that's not going to be Their profession in the future or if it's not going to build Any type of learning skills into I don't know coding classes or like something practical down line I don't know but that's still pretty Asian the code. I don't know Yeah, sure it's a good skill if your kid has right a love for it All kids should learn a code at at least a probably two or three out of ten level because it's a modern skill set But yeah, I mean, I just think it just depends on What Into the cello and all the classical I would say it was weird for parents who didn't even have a lot of money To spend the money on a musical class for their kid for several years when you don't even want that kid to go Professionally, right? That's what that is weird. That's a weird investment I get why because the parents usually grow up thinking that classical music is the top tier music, right? It's not pop music. It's not rock music. It's classical music. The kid will learn a lot of things I'm like you're better off putting them in the tennis or golf if you want them to benefit their careers, right? So that you can network or they might go pro you never know. Yeah, exactly And it's like but how I'm going pro and an instrument is like not like Very very rare and make like a living very rare. Yeah, very especially in how sports-centric America is versus like America's whole thing was rebelling against those Victorian cultures of the British and the French had yeah You know I mean So it's almost like Asian parents because they so tapped in the old-school Beethoven culture They like trying to go back to it, but America was trying to go I definitely think a lot of it is posturing among the families and my kid is this level in piano and this and that But I just think it's one. It's super costly. It's super time-consuming There's probably a lot of commuting like it's a labor of love and I just think it's outmoded Somebody said, you know for me, I was so unhappy with my upbringing being the firstborn child in America I'm purposely choosing to not have kids at all and I'm choosing to end my stem of the bloodline with me Dang, he didn't say y'all. I'm gonna let Asian traditions die. I'm just gonna let my bloodline die I feel bad for that man. I feel bad for that, but that's a real situation I know some people who feel actually the same way too. Of course, it's a variance, right? Somebody said filial piety is only as good as the capability of your elders if your elders aren't capable Then why do they deserve any filial piety? Someone said victim hood There's a lot of unintended victim hood and a lot of Asians in the older generation even those from the homelands Failure is a shortcut to success, but a lot of people have a fear of failure, but you need to fail up Western people don't necessarily understand failing up Right, just do what brings you peace be around people who bring you peace Somebody said I'm strictly avoiding seed oils if my family refuses to keep cooking with seed oils, then I'm then I'm out Somebody said I don't like being overly Supercitious. I don't see what's so bad about seeking your chopsticks and your rice that you hit your kid over it Also, why is opening an umbrella indoors worth screaming at a kid for obviously? I'm assuming this person got hit for sticking their chopsticks in their bowl of rice Probably if you got hit for opening an umbrella indoors other than spring water everywhere if it was wet Yeah, I don't I did that that's a rough child. I don't think you should stick the chopsticks in the rice though It just looks uncouth. I don't yeah I don't know. I would say you ever got smacked for sticking your chopsticks in the rice and it's supposed to look like intense Yeah, you know, that's make sure to like and comment on this video That's like putting your shoes on in the house. You know what I mean? Because I I don't like it. I don't like to let the room. I don't know for me. I'm against it. I'm with the old ways Yeah, that's the one traditional Necessarily just superstition. I think a lot of that's just also being respectful. No, it is It's not like you know, you don't do that with steak. You don't stick a fork in the steak Hey, man, the steak look at the steak the density of the steak is allowing the fork to stay vertical That's good. Somebody just said focus on on practicality over happiness. I don't like it and not being friends with the kids I want to be friends with my kids and Somebody just said, you know what? I hated growing up, especially amongst Nuvo rich Indians and likely other Asians They will spend on a lot of money on a big house in a fancy car But then still be cutting corners on other aspects of their spending and I always hated that and that bothered me because you're only worrying about the status see things and Cutting corners on other aspects of life that make life unfun or unjoyful I'm super relatable. Yeah, that is that is I've definitely seen it I'm not saying it's a hundred out of a hundred Asian families ultimately. What do you think? Well, any any of these that really stuck with you or no, I think like I think this might be another video But I think the filial piety and you know, hey if that's something, you know If you have a relative or father or whatever that doesn't deserve that why give it I think Respect and I think filial piety in a lot of ways I just think it's it's tainted by a lot of misogyny and tainted by a lot of things that are bad with with the Asian culture But I feel like it is our job to be self-aware and I think it's our job to chat about this and have conversations Like we're having right now and pick and choose what you want to bring on to the next generation So I think this is such a great topic and I think we should dive into it more But I mean everything from when I when I look at it the things that kind of come down to respect Respect for our culture respect for our history yet and have a level head around like what's practical Those are the things I want to keep and keep going with Yeah, I agree I guess my major takeaway is like as much as you think about what you want to delete think about what you want to add In there in that void I like that because you can't you can't just be like always Hating everything but it is better to spend three four times the amount of energy Studying families whether that's documentaries or good parenting workshops or classes like as much as it is important to delete These things out of your memory or remember that you're repelled by them. You really got to study families that you do like And that's one thing I learned. I think it's good to be honest I think Jewish Americans do a really great job of Encouraging their kids to chase success without being too authoritarian about it more authoritative Guiding them lighting the fire within instead of sticking the fire on the butt. Yeah. Yeah All right, everybody Let us know what you think about all these Asian traditions What are some Asian traditions that you would let die that you're gonna drop that you're not gonna carry on? So let us know in the comments down below shout out to Nelson check out his links down below and check out Smiley sauce at Smiley sauce calm from Sichuan, Sicily It could be a new family Asian tradition that you want to keep until next time we out. Peace. Peace