 What time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show! Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello Show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure, with chuckles for the carload and music by Manny Malmek. So, hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, but Abbott and Lou Costello! All right, all right, all right. Stop that noise. I saw you rushing down to the studio tonight. Why were you pushing your bicycle? Oh, Abbott, I was so late. I didn't have time to get on. But I've got other worries besides that. My uncle Thomas in bad shape, and it's all on the counter to the election last November. What do you mean? Sixteen years ago, he said he'd let his beard grow until the Republicans elected a president. Now he's got to move out of Glendale. Why? His beard is slapping over into Cucamonga. That's what I like about your relatives. There's something always going on. Oh, yes. My aunt Amma is suing the Paterson newspaper for slander. When she got married for the fifth time, they put the wrong headline under her picture. What did they say? Old power plant resumes operations. Aunt Amma ain't gonna like it. You won't, eh? So she got married again, eh Lou? Yeah. Well, that's what you want to do, getting married. I proposed to a girl today, Evan. I walked up to this beautiful girl and I said, Will you marry me, Jake? Huh? The girl's name was Jake. When I'm looking for a wife, any girl that will marry me is Jake with me. I can see why you never get a girl. You don't know the first thing about girls. That's all. When I was a sailor in the Navy years ago, I had a hula dancer tattooed on my chest and I could make her dance just by flexing my muscles. Can you still make her dance? No, all she does now is sit on my stomach. That I believe. I don't think you're ever in the Navy. Oh, I don't know. I was. I came back from Europe on the Normandy. The Normandy has been sunk for years. It has? No wonder a bread was soggy. Get him out of here. Well, as any stars tonight. But before they continue, listen to this. See if you can answer this question. The motion picture Summer Holiday, which starred Mickey Rooney and Marilyn Maxwell, is adapted from a comedy which was a hit on Broadway 15 years ago. What comedy was it? Well, on Break the Bank, heard Friday nights over most ABC stations. The jockey's wife was asked that same question. And when she correctly answered our wilderness, she won the largest cash prize ever offered on a radio quiz program, $9,020. You can well imagine what an exciting moment it was for the contestant, for the people in the studio, and for the folks listening. You can enjoy the same excitement each week as contestants try to break the bank, a bank that's always worth at least $1,000 and often much more. You can be sure of the tops in quiz entertainment when you listen to Break the Bank, MC'd by personable Bert Parks. Hear it again tomorrow night when it's broadcast over most ABC stations. And now back to ABC's Aberdeen Costello show. What's the matter with you? You look so unhappy. Strange thing happened to me last night. What do you mean? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning and there was a horse in my bed and the light in my room was lit. He is strange. Yes, I always turn that light off before I go to bed. Why were you walking with that traffic cop outside the studio? He gave me a ticket and took away my driver's license. What for? Driving my car 15 miles an hour. He can give you a ticket and take away your driver's license for that. You're allowed to drive 15 miles an hour through the lobby of the Roosevelt Hotel. What were you doing in the lobby of the Roosevelt Hotel? I live there in the lobby of the Roosevelt Hotel. But I don't like the room they gave me, so now I'm thinking of moving over to the YWCA. YWCA? There's nothing but girls at the YWCA. Everything will be better than the room I got. Costello, they have very nice rooms at the Roosevelt Hotel. Yes, but they gave me one of those rooms with an adjoining. An adjoining what? I don't know. I'd never been able to get the other door open. Wait a minute. What have you got in that big package under your arm? Waffle iron. I got for Christmas and it's no good. I'm taking it back. What's the matter with it? Well, I ironed a waffle with it this morning for three hours. I still had wrinkles in it. There's what? I said I ironed a waffle with it this morning for three hours. I still had wrinkles in it. You're dummy waffles. Rinkles were still in a waffle. What are you making a big thing out of an iron in a waffle? Wait a minute. Don't shout at me. You ironed a waffle this morning. I couldn't get the wrinkles. All right. But there's supposed to be wrinkles in them. That waffle iron is all right. You just don't understand anything about machinery, that's all. How can you say that? I've invented plenty of machines. Right now I'm working on a machine to make a new type of shower curtain. What kind of a shower curtain? I call it the hostess shower curtain. How does it work? Well, if the hostess isn't entertaining and she wants to take a shower, she just pushes a button. The shower curtain becomes transparent and she can see how the guests are getting along and delivering them. Don't laugh. Don't laugh now. There's only one thing wrong with it. What's that? I can also see how you are getting along in the shower. You and your silly inventions? They never work. Yeah, well, I got a new one now that works. It's a mouse trap that kills a mouse every time. Well, how does it work? Well, for bait, I use a pretty little girl mouse in tights. A male mouse sees her, makes a date with her, and takes her out to Syros. How does a mouse get killed? Crossing Hollywood Boulevard. It kills them every time. Castelli, you'll never make a nickel with. You'll never make a nickel with your silly inventions. You've got to remember that success stems from hard work. Take Betty Gravel. Her success stems from hard work. Take Esther Williams. Her success stems from hard work. Take Greer Gossum. Her success stems from hard work. Where am I going to get some of those stems? Castelli, how can you be so stupid? Are all your family idiots? I guess they're all idiots except my brother Pat. He's a Republican. Your brother Pat. There's a fine specimen. I saw him on the beach at Santa Monica Sunday. His wife wasn't feeling good so he took her down to the ocean. He sat there holding his wife's head in his hands for two hours and a cop arrested him for it. Why? Lots of fellas hold their wives' heads in their hands. Underwater? Underwater? I'll never mind that. Where did you go Sunday? Where did I go Sunday? I went to cook among them. I see my new girlfriend, Messy Myrtle. Messy Myrtle. What a girl. Every time I go to see her, she gives me peanut butter. Sandwiches? No, just peanut butter. That's why they call her Messy Myrtle. Messy Myrtle. What do you see in that girl anyway? Well, she's a very brilliant girl, have it. She's studying chemistry in college. She invented a drug that will stop a man from smoking, make him quit biting his nails, make him quit drinking, and make him quit going out with girls and cure all his bad habits. Well, that's marvelous. What is the drug called? Poison. She sounds like quite a girl, Lou. Yes, yes she is. But I'm thinking of breaking off with her. Myrtle said something to me that got me so mad that I may never see her again. What did she say? She said she never wanted to see me again. But I don't have to worry about Myrtle. I got a new girl. She's beautiful. She's a hatchet girl. But I'm kind of suspicious of this one. What do you mean? I think she's going out with another guy. Oh, now what makes you think that your hatchet girl is going out with other guys? Last night when I left the house, she handed me the wrong hat. Wait a minute. Was it a brown fedora with a little green feather in the band? Yes. Well, here's the check cast. I'll give you back my hat. Okay, and I'll give you back that joke too. Why don't you stop chasing around? Find a beautiful woman like my wife and get married. Your wife is beautiful. Sure, she has shoulders. Our shoulders are 23. Our waist is 24. Our hips are 35. How does that stack up with the girls you go out with? The girls I go out with are the same age all over. I don't know who had any sense would go out with you at all. You don't know how to treat a girl, Lou. Maybe not, but I'll say one thing. When I kiss a girl, she knows she's been kissed. How does she know? I leave a note. Stella, why don't you try to be like me? Now, I can get any girl I want. I know that, Abbott. You got personality. I wouldn't say that. You're very charming. Oh, I wouldn't say that. And you're handsome? Yeah, you're handsome. Oh, I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't either, but you tricked me into it. Just step right over here with me. Will it, Harry? Just a minute. What are you two guys doing in here? It'll only take a minute. Now would you open your mouth, Mr. Castello? Yeah, okay. Just a little wider, please. There. See that, Harry? Right in the back. Right next to the gold tooth. Right there. Yes, it's beautiful. All right, Mr. Castello, you can close your mouth now. Thanks a lot. Wait a minute. Are you a dentist? No, I'm working with the architect that's remodeling the White House. I was just showing my friend where Truman's new balcony is going to be. You know, Abbott, I'm the guy they need in Washington. I've got a scheme to get all the nations in Washington together. How can you do that? With the stuff we're shipping abroad, why we'll ship all our potatoes to Germany, all our carrots to France, all our onions to Russia, and all our meat to Italy. Wait a minute, little old. How will that get the countries of Europe together? If they want a beef stew, brother, they'll have to get together. Hello, boys. Well, look, Castello, it's our lovely secretary, Viola von. Viola, you look wonderful tonight. Oh, and you look nice, too, bud. Thanks. Say, Castello, you look very pretty tonight. I've never seen you so dressed up. Wait a minute. Isn't that smoke coming out of your coat? Yes. I ran out of cologne, so I'm burning incense in my vest pocket. Oh, my. You're really sharp tonight, Castello. And I feel so romantic, too. Come over here and put your arms around me. Oh, well, I'd like to, but I can't. Doctor's orders. Oh, what has your doctor's orders got to do with you putting your arms around me? He warned me not to take any long trips. Viola, why don't you have a date with Castello and get it over with? You've been stalling him around for weeks. I've been stalling him around for weeks. You've been stalling him around for weeks. Oh, I'd like to, bud, but I can't. Tonight, I'm going out with Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck? Ah. Oh, Viola, I've got everything Gregory Peck has gotten more to boot. I know. It's too bad I've got on open-toed shoes. I don't get it. You don't get it? No, I don't get it. You would if she didn't have on those open-toed shoes. No, I get it. Viola, what do you see in that guy, Gregory Peck? Oh, I just thinking of him makes me feel good. Well, once when I had the hives, I thought of Gregory Peck and that made me well. Don't you ever think of me? What do you think gave me the hives? That Gregory Peck must be quite a man. Oh, he is, Mr. Abbott. He takes you out, buys you a seven-course dinner, takes you to three or four nightclubs, and then gives you $20 per cab fare home. Looks like I'll have to get a date tonight. With Viola? No, with Gregory Peck. Costello? Yeah. Costello, if you'll go out with me tonight, I'll give you cab fare home. How dare you? What's the matter, Costello? Viola, do I look like the type of man that would accept money from a beautiful girl like you? Do you think that I, Luc Costello, would allow a gorgeous creature like yourself to pay my cab fare? I do. And you're so right. Mr. Abbott, well done. Now, still to come. Right now, change the face. Let you hear this. As a rule, friends, we Americans see things pretty clearly. We should. We live under a self-imposed government, the most enlightened in history. We enjoy an extensive system of free education. We keep up to the minute through a tremendous active free press and radio. But in spite of all this, many Americans show alarming symptoms of a blind spot. Sometimes it's just talk, so-called harmless talk about fellow Americans of another race or color. But talk often becomes discrimination. People suffer, are denied economic opportunities, subjected to indignities and insults. And sometimes reason gives way altogether. Emotions take over, and the result is violence. See through this blind spot. It's un-American. It doesn't make sense to judge a whole group by the failings of one or two individuals. The only fair way to judge each individual is as an individual by his actions and by his character. See through these blind spots. They're un-American. And now back to Abbot and Costello. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, the singing star of our show, Howell Winters with Maddie Malnick's Orchestra. Here I'll stay and they say there's an arse a smile all day through but I know and I know it's the thing the world of this world I can't find loving you and the world of this world I can't find Costello, what have you got in that box you brought in here tonight? I've got a lot of disguises. I worked on a case last night and I wore a disguise. You did? Yes, you should have seen me. I had a big bandage on my head, one arm in a sling, bandages, I had band-aids plastered all over my eyes, my left leg is in a cast and I hobble long on crutches. What were you disguised as? A California pedestrian. What is your Sam Shevel detective story for tonight? It's a very interesting case, Abbot. I call it the case of the nephew who gambled away his mother's sister's salary or he lost his aunt's pay. Well, let's get on with the case. Yes, I'm Sam Shevel. Sam Shevel private detective. I never forget a face. I'm walking down the street to my little office, suddenly in the crowd I notice a woman. She's got a familiar face. I follow her. I decide to question her. Madam, aren't you Sadie the shoplifter? No. Let's look at your profile. You're Connie the counterfeiter. I am not. That's funny, I never forget a face. Foolishness, Sam, I'm your mother. I have to come home for dinner. I knew I'd seen her someplace. There goes one of those new underslung 1949 Hudson's. That car is built so low the California drivers are having trouble with them. They got to jack them up before they can run over a pedestrian. This detective business is no sense. It took me five years to get a tow-hole on this business. I still ain't making any money after all. How much business can you tow-hole? I spend a lot of money on equipment. I just bought a new silencer for my gun. I think I'll put it on the gun and try it out. Perfect, best silencer I ever had. Suddenly my phone rings. Sam Shuffle Private Detective Talking. Oh, Sam? This is Hoiman, the stool pigeon talking. Say, Sam, how would you like to lay your hands on the biggest mob of crooks you've ever seen? Herman, that would make me famous. Are you sure I can do it? Sam, it's a cinch. Good. I got positive information that 1,500 crooks is going to be in a threatened building tonight. Good. Watch the name of the building. Sam Quinton. So long, copper. It's times like this that I wish my pal Lieutenant Abbott of the Homicide Squad was here. Abbott is a real cop. Even his father was connected with the police department for years. He was connected with the police department the hard way. The hard way. My handcuffs. Lieutenant Abbott is no fool. He knows how to get promoted. Ever since he joined the department five years ago, he's been licking the captain's boots. He never got promoted, but now the captain has the cleanest boots and Abbott has the muddiest tongue in town. Abbott is a shrewd cop. He always keeps his eyes peeled. He has to keep his eyes peeled. His head looks like an Idaho potato. Abbott is carefree. He's really carefree. He don't care for nothing unless it's free. Hello, Sam. It's my pal Lieutenant Abbott. And I daresay you look very pleased with yourself, Lieutenant Abbott. Yep. I just did a good deed. I captured an old crook. He's 97 years old. The judge gave him life. The judge gave him life. But I felt sorry for him, Sam. What did you do? That is sentence cut to 20 years. That's my pal Abbott. Square shooter. His mouth was an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. But it don't do him no good. Very few people want to trade eyes and teeth. My wife wants you to come to our house for breakfast tomorrow morning. I'll have to get out of this. Abbott's wife is the worst crook in the world. I had breakfast there yesterday and it was the first time I ever tasted burnt orange juice. And why do you always belittle my wife? Why, when I married her, she was considered the catch of the season. You're right, Lieutenant. And she's still the biggest barracud on the coast. Never mind that, Sam. What case are you working on? I'm after Marlowe. The crook with a thousand disguises. Every time he pulls a job, he wears a different false nose. Then he pulls it off and throws it away. He's used so many false noses, he forgot what his own nose looks like. Yesterday a terrible thing happened to him. He pulled off his own nose and threw it away. Have you ever seen him? No, but I got his description. He's 6 feet 11 inches tall, weighs 400 pounds. He's got light blue hair and his nose is missing. But how will you know if you see him? He wears loud neckties. And he's a dangerous man, Lieutenant. And before I start after him, I've got to get my gun fixed. What's the matter with it? The jelly beans keep falling out of the handle. Sam, how would you like to go with me? To Mexico. And capture Senorita Lalita, the famous jewel thief. Here's her picture. She's beautiful. She's gorgeous. She's... Cut it, Sam. She's a thief. Yeah. She just stole 5,000... a 5,000-element coat. I'd like to get my hands on that coat. She's got $50,000 in stolen money in her safe. I'd like to get my hands on that safe. She's got $90,000 in jewels hidden in the top of her stocking. I'd like to get my hands on that safe. Sam, this trip to Mexico will be dangerous. Have you ever been to Mexico? I used to fight bulls in Mexico. I was an out-of-door. You mean a matter door? I took one look at a bull and I was out the door. Sam, you'll find that Mexico is different from California. There, the people drink tequila instead of whiskey. That's different from California? They wear Serapis instead of coats. That's different from California? They take siestas in the afternoon and you can see people lying all over the streets. Same as California. Let's go, Sam. We're off for Mexico to capture Senorita Lalita. We were in Mexico. Little tenant evidence insisted we stop at the Collienty Restract. Water gambler. Abbot is a real plunger. He's known as the biggest plunger in the police department. He's never bet any money, but he's great at cleaning out stuff sinks. We left the restrector, started tracking down Senorita Lalita. Senorita Lalita. We walked for hours. Sam, we're lost. Knock on that hassi and the door and find out where we are. I knocked on the hassi and the door. The door opened and there stood the most beautiful senorita I've ever seen. She spoke. Saludos, amigas. Hey, little fat one. Would you like a kiss? Me, this girl was beautiful. As I looked at her eyelids flooded and my blood rushed to my head. Senorita, you are so beautiful. Sam, that's the girl we're after. That's Senorita Lalita. She's dangerous. Be careful. I will. Okay. In spite of the lieutenants warning, I felt myself slipping. I spoke to the gorgeous senorita. Senorita, you are beautiful. You remind me of a girl that I was in love with except for the style of your clothes. You don't say. How did your girl dress? I don't know. She always pulled her shades down. You are more lovelier than she was. I think you're the most gorgeous creature. Sam, please. I tell you, this woman is dangerous. The department has already sent three detectives down here to arrest her. Not one of them have ever returned. Senorita, where are all those three detectives? What have you done with them? I had them locked in my patio. What have you done to them? Nothing. I feed them good. I kiss them and I hug them. And then I lock them back up in the patio. Sam, we've got to save those men. I'll save them, Lieutenant. I'll break down that patio door. Men, I'm Sam Shoveler, Detective. I've come to take you out of here, away from Senorita Lolita. You're free, men. You're free. Now, what have you got to say? Hit the road, Sam. Now, I'll get lost, you small. Hit the dead, yes, quick. The boys will be back for a curtain call in just a few seconds. The time it takes to tell this. The saying goes that most fat men are good natured. There are people, though, who say they have to be because they can't fight and they can't run. But Brad Runyon is one fat man who's done a lot of running and more than his share of fighting. He's the private detective on The Fat Man, heard Friday nights over most ABC stations. When Master Detective writer Dashel Hammett conceived the character of Brad Runyon, he saw in his mind's eye a tough criminologist who tipped the scales at 241 pounds, who appeared slow, but could move at a speed almost equaling his lightning thinking. From the first, radio audiences were attracted by the rapid-fire action and suspense of each Fat Man mystery. Now, vast numbers of listeners make The Fat Man program a Friday night listening habit. So, for exciting entertainment, join the millions hearing Dashel Hammett's Fat Man when it's on the air tomorrow night over most of these ABC stations. And now back for a final word from ABC's Aberdon Costello show. Well, Costello, what will be your Sam Shovel Detective Case beat for next Thursday night? Well, it's a very gruesome case habit. I call it the case of the drowned croc who, when he held up a slum to get some beer, or the bar tender gave him both barrels. Don't miss it, folks. Our writers are working on it now. Yes, that they are. And our writing staff is headed by Eddie Foreman, Paul Conlon, Pat Costello, Martin Ragaway, and Leonard Stern. And our vocalist is Hal Winters, and our show is produced by Charles Vanden. And we'll all be looking for you next Thursday night. Good night, everybody in Paris. And good night. We love you all. Good night. Good night. Listen each Thursday night at this time for another great Aberdon Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood. Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station. This is ABC, the American Broadcasting Company.