 hey what's up you guys welcome back to my channel if you're new here hi hello i'm lydia and if you are new here make sure you hit the subscribe button during the growing family sorry for that really loud truck this video is about how my eating disorder manifests and the development of my eating disorder so trigger warning i am going to be talking about numbers if you're going to be triggered by that please don't watch this video thanks for understanding oh i've had a rough day so far this morning i took my meds and i came back upstairs and i immediately threw up so i haven't had my morning meds because i literally came back up and threw up so i haven't had my morning caliperadol i haven't had my morning glyphosite i haven't had my morning how else am i taking the morning i don't know why i'm taking the morning lansopadol bisopralol and the glyphosine obviously i've had my insulin but it's been a bit of a nightmare morning my head feels like the static everywhere and it's not fun but i wanted to make a video because i'm going on holiday with my grandparents i'm going up to wolverhampton they're meeting me in wolverhampton going back to theirs for a few days then on thursday we're traveling down to summer sat until the tuesday and i do a video for the monday and i can't upload one of the caravan because there has no wi-fi and when i would do it on my data i need that for watching things when i fall asleep so yeah little little thing that's why i'm making this video it's top of my list now so i thought let's all do it my eating disorder really started around the age of 12 i say that because at 12 i was i wasn't eating at school i wasn't eating breakfast the only way i ate was dinner which not the best i was really cutting down on snacking and rather than getting a lunch i pocketed the money that money did buy me great joy though bought me some nice headphones back when phones had headphone slots now back when i was struggling tumblr was my safe space and i'm not going to give out the username because it's still out there and it's toxic as fuck but on my tumblr i followed a lot of eating disorder accounts and honestly i just reposted anything that i thought was an inspiration like fad diets it just wasn't a safe space it did trigger me a lot and it triggered me into my anorexia now i didn't have anorexia until i was 14 but it started to really impact me at school i passed out in a science lesson because i hadn't eaten in two days but my anorexia manifested in a very strong way where it was telling me constantly not to eat and i listened i just didn't eat i made excuses at dinner saying i was going to go out and get something with friends or saying that i was eating at a friend's house but i'm really weird just starving ourselves because my close friend at the time was also struggling with anorexia we bonded over that and we used to follow each other's ed instagram basically an account where i posted really triggering details my lowest weight was five stone two see i was a size four and a size six and how that affects me now is i want to get back down to a smaller weight so i can fit in my size six clothes which realistically isn't gonna happen i'd be happy with a sizing currently i'm a size 10 so it's only one more size and i'll be happy my goal is to get to 55 kilograms and then stop but the issue of losing weight on me is it's addictive and this is what i've been so careful with it because i don't want to fall back into the grips of my eating disorder i'm losing the weight healthily like i'm still eating lunch i'm eating dinner last night i had a pizza which that's not right for weight loss but i wanted to eat something oh i didn't want to get wet because it was raining yesterday my eating disorder now manifests itself where it's trying to put limits on the calories that i eat it's having the diet home it's just a really hard thing to try and explain my DEVNOS also known as usbed now it's something that has controlled my life for about all in all i've been in sort of her very long time and i'm 26 now i turned 27 this year so obviously i want to stay a healthy weight i just want to lose 8 kilograms sooner rather than later having an eating disorder is by no means fun when i was anorexic i was eating about 600 calories a day sometimes less never more buffet meals were perfect for me because i didn't have to eat i could just have a plate with a few bits on and it looked like i was eating i was pretty good at hiding my eating disorder my mom didn't find out until my school phone my mom died fainted and glass had eaten for two days which i kind of expected them to call her i mean of course they're gonna call my mom my mom didn't really interact too much she just asked me outright if i was eating and i said no and the answer is yes but manifest though i might eat another manifest itself it goes straight to restrictive practices and it does fall back into not eating only eating stuff below certain amount of calories diet coke and that is something i am struggling with i'm like right now struggling with but yeah that's all i've got for this video if you're new subscribe during the growing family sorry this one's a bit of a downer it's not got a positive ending i am fighting get as much as i can and i am eating i just had sausage and mash makes me very happy because it's my favorite meal if you don't want to please me just invite me to sausage and mash and i'll be there oh it's my favorite meal what can i say all right thank you for watching subscribe if you are new i've already said that and stay strong stay safe stay sober peace