 Hello, I'm from the government. And I'm from the opposition. We might not agree on much. Well, apart from tax cuts for the rich, and blowing billions on nuclear subs, and outlawing peaceful protests, and screwing refugees, and doing whatever Santos tells us to, and prosecuting whistleblowers, and giving our mates plum jobs as trade commissioners. Wait, wasn't that us? It was both of us, stupid. Okay, so we agree on most things. But if there's one thing we really agree on, it's preserving our two-party system. Sadly, our cosy duopoly is now under threat. In the 50s, almost all of you voted for one of us. Good times. But our primary vote's been falling ever since, and at the last election, barely two-thirds of you did. It's almost like you've been deserting us for less-shit options. And if that continues, we won't be able to form majority governments ever again, and be forced to share power with those guys. Oh, sure, we could reverse this trend by winning back your votes with less-shit policies. And by having different policies to each other. But we said, yeah, nah. Let's just change campaign finance rules to make it impossible for newcomers to get elected. Introducing our three-step plan to rat-fuck the Electoral Act and reek the rules in our favour. Step one, give ourselves a shit-ton more of your money. We already get millions in public funding after every election, but we figured, why not more? Don't all candidates get that funding? Yep, but if you're a newcomer, you start off with approximately... fuck all. So the only way for newcomers to fund an election campaign is to raise donations? Yep, which brings us to step two. Limit how much candidates can raise in donations? Genius. We'll tell you we need this to stop this big sack of shit. And sure, limiting the influence of big money in politics is a good idea. But we're not worried about the one loser who spent a fortune to win a single seat. We're worried about all these newcomers who crowd-funded donations from you and won all these seats off us. And these ones off us. What's that? Will this also limit the money we can raise? Oh, sweetie, we don't rely on donations from you. Most of our revenue comes from corporate membership fees. Union fees. 10 grand to hang out with this bell-end. All of which we can exempt from being called donations. And if newcomers still manage to raise enough to compete with us? That's where step three comes in. Limit how much candidates can spend on election campaigns. Will that spending cap include the shit-time RMPs get in taxpayer-funded staff, travel, ads and offices? Of course not. We're such couplets. We are two-party systems. So to sum up, give ourselves more of your money. Cap the only funding newcomers have to challenge us. And exempt ourselves from those caps. Making it impossible for newcomers to compete with us. We know you'd never stand for this shit-fuckery. So we'll call it an integrity reform. And maybe throw in some good stuff so you'll pat us on the dick for saving democracy. And if that sounds like an old-landish conspiracy to entrench our two-party duopoly forever, just remember that's exactly what happened in Victoria. Hello, I'm from the Victorian government, where we used to have three independents in parliament. But then we increased public funding for ourselves and capped everyone else's revenue. And not only were no newcomers elected at the last election, we even got rid of the independents we did have. Amazing. Thanks for showing us the way, Victoria. We need that shit at the federal level. And quick, because if we don't bring campaign rules in our favour before the next election, we might never control this joint again. Participation in our democracy will increase. And we wouldn't be able to keep agreeing on most things. Like keeping jobseeker below poverty levels. And rorts that prop up the housing bubble. And defunding the NDIS. And relying on dodgy carbon credits. And approving more coal and gas. And native forest loggies. And habitat destruction. And betraying renters. And our Pacific natives. And being totally captured by these fuckbags. And we wouldn't want that now. Would we? Two-party systems. Authorised by the department for rigging the rules of the game instead of trying to win it by being less shit. PS, we're really hoping you don't get wind of our plan before we try to ram it through parliament. So please don't share this video as widely as you can.