 Instead of explaining to the narcissist, do this, stop trying to make an idea or situation more clear to the narcissist. Stop describing it in detail or revealing relevant facts. Stop giving reasons to justify or excuse an action or event. Explaining to a narcissist is a waste of time. They see the world differently than we do. They are driven by their emotions rather than logic or reasoning. They are driven by strong feelings deriving from their circumstances rather than using intelligence which results in their skewed perceptions. It results in them distorting ideas or situations in a way that could be regarded as inaccurate and fair or misleading. Everything is filtered through their feelings. Feelings are a negative and difficult for them to control. These feelings are very uncomfortable for them. It makes them anxious and afraid which then results in perceptions and experiences that also make them anxious and afraid because they believe that their feelings are facts. They believe that whatever they feel is the truth even if they don't have any evidence even if it doesn't make any sense. While a normal person would realise that they cannot rely on their feelings. They would realise that their feelings don't always make sense. They would realise that their feelings are not facts. When our emotions are high our intelligence is low. And that is why these narcissists who are very emotional often make very unwise decisions. They often engage in word salad and they can be very difficult to understand because while a normal person would try to change their emotions to fit the event. The narcissist will try to alter the event to fit their emotions. If the narcissist is angry or upset they will see you as a bad person. They will see it as though you can't do anything right because they view everything for the lens of their own emotions. Even if you do try to do something to help them they will be paranoid and hyper-vigilant. They will assume that you have some ulterior motive and in this moment when they are angry or upset they will even view things you did in the past as bad or wrong. Even if they had no problem with it at the time maybe you decided to take them to a restaurant for their birthday. You were having a great time. You were laughing together and they seemed really happy. They didn't say anything bad about you but now they are saying that they never wanted to go to that restaurant. You made them go there. They will complain for hours about how everything has to be done your way and how they never get to do anything for themselves. When really what they view to be true could change at any time. It all depends on their emotions. When they are angry they hate you and they assume that you hate them. When they are happy they love you and they assume that you love them. But none of this has anything to do with reality. It has nothing to do with anything you are saying or doing. It's all based on their distorted perceptions which results from their uncontrollable emotions. Narcissists view ideas and situations differently than we do. That is why we find ourselves working overtime to try to establish some level of connection to them but they are very difficult to reach. It's very difficult to get them to understand anything because they view everything from the lens of their own emotions rather than using logical reasoning rather than using intelligence and as someone who thinks sensibly and logically you may think you can get through to them. You may try to use logic and reasoning. You may try to support your view with facts or statistics. And most people will be able to understand your point of view. You will be able to reach a compromise and the conflict will be able to be resolved. The problem with the narcissist is that although they seem normal and although they may seem to have knowledge of something through their own personal experiences they can instantly go from speaking like a normal intelligent adult to then not being able to understand even the most basic point that you are trying to make. Whenever you try to explain to the narcissist it will always result in a misunderstanding where they will feel angry or upset, where they will feel offended so as a person who thinks sensibly and logically you try to explain to them and this would normally be the right thing to do but with narcissists this is the wrong thing to do. Because they raise no misunderstanding they understood what you said but then they reacted to their own emotions and blamed it on you. It has nothing to do with you or anything that you said. Your motive may have been to explain something to them or to try to get them to understand something but that doesn't mean anything to a narcissist. They don't care what your motive is. They don't care what your reasons are. All they care about is their own emotions. All they care about is what's happening in their own minds and all they hear in their minds is they're in a critical, in a dialogue. This voice in their heads that is telling them they're completely worthless. When you are engaged with a narcissist you are entering this battle that they are having with themselves. When you are engaged with them you end up in the middle of it. You're not really the target of their rage. You've just walked into the middle of a war zone. You've walked into a fight that they are having with themselves and no matter how much you try to explain that you don't hate them or that you don't have any bad intentions they're not going to be able to hear you because this inner dialogue has been replaying in their minds their entire lives so they're convinced that it's the truth. They're never going to believe anything that you say. Narcissists are never really listening to you or responding to you. They are listening to this dialogue inside their minds and that is what they're responding to. Because of this they expect you to treat them bad. They expect everything to be unfair or against them in some way. They will even scan the environment for evidence of what they believe to be true. And they always find evidence of this because they constantly push and provoke people to react to them rather than accepting what they're saying which only reinforces their distorted beliefs. Explaining to a narcissist is a waste of time. You are never going to achieve your intended purpose or desired outcome with them. You are never going to get them to understand your point of view. They're not listening to anything you're saying. They can't even see you as a separate person. You're just an extension of how they feel about themselves. So you cannot add anything to the equation outside of what already exists. They want to believe that you're a bad person. They want to believe that you're no good. Because then they can play the victim, then they can get attention. And if you're bad or wrong that means they must be right. If the narcissist ever came to the conclusion that you were not evil. They would probably go insane. It would probably destroy them because if they had to accept that you're not bad or wrong. The only other person to blame is themselves and that would mean that the voice in their heads is right. When their disorder is nothing more than a coping mechanism and a defence mechanism against that voice in their heads. That voice that is telling them that they're bad or no good. It's telling them that they're attractive or undesirable. It's telling them that it's important to defend themselves against this voice. The narcissist created a false self. This self that is the opposite of everything the voice says they are. But they have to see someone as being evil. They have to get rid of that anger and pain somehow. So they take it out on you. When they first met you, you were perfect. You were everything they could have wanted you to be. You were like their hero. They expected you to save them and make their lives perfect. But when you reveal yourself as a human with no superpowers and you reflect back to them that they're just human. You then become the villain in their story. The narcissist loves how you keep trying to explain yourself to them. They love how you're so genuine and sincere. And you're trying to get them to see what's right. They don't believe you but they love that you keep trying. They enjoy seeing you angry and frustrated. They enjoy preventing your plan of action of progressing or succeeding with them. They suck the energy out of all of your efforts and it makes them feel alive. The more you try to explain yourself it just feeds their ego. It makes them feel significant and important. It gives them attention but they don't believe you. They're never going to believe you because their disorder is set up in such a perfect way that the very things they need to hear and understand from you in order to change their lives are the very things that their disorder is programmed to block and deny the most. It's this area where they lack understanding which causes them to self-destruct again and again and that is why they're so miserable. They are some of the most miserable people you will ever meet because they don't realize that they're doing it all to themselves. It's a waste of time trying to explain anything to the narcissist. Their disorder is designed in a way where you cannot reach them. It doesn't matter what you say or how you say it. They cannot hear you and they don't want to hear you. There's too much at risk for them to believe you. They invest all of their time and energy into everything staying the same as it is right now. They cannot thrive in a functional environment. They wouldn't know where to start because they lack the cognitive ability that most people have. So they would have to start all over again and that's not something a narcissist is going to do. They're not even going to think that they would need to do that. In their minds they're perfect. In their minds everything is wrong with anyone who thinks there's something wrong with them. So even if you suggest that there's something they need to improve on they're only going to think there's something wrong with you. If the narcissist accuses you of something just tell them they're entitled to their opinion. You can tell them you disagree with it but they're entitled to their feelings. There's no point getting too invested in these arguments with the narcissist. It's just a waste of time. It's not going to go anywhere. It's never going to end because all they really want is attention. They just want someone to distract them from the voice inside their heads of how unimportant they are, of how undesirable they feel and that is why they're always trying to get a reaction out of you. They're very insecure and they need you to reflect back to them this inflated view of themselves. Which is why they're always trying to provoke you even though it isn't real. In their minds it is real because their feelings are facts. They don't care about the truth if they can provoke you into giving them the reaction they're looking for. In their minds it must be the truth. Thank you for watching. I hope this video resonated with you. Please like, comment, share and subscribe. If you would like to donate my PayPal link is in the video description. For more inquiries you can email me at coachingatnarksurvivor.uk. Thank you for watching and I'll talk to you soon.