 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Fay Show. The all enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Fay Show transcribed, written by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fisher, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Janine Ruse and Whitfield, the orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. What does vacation weather sound like? Now listen to the sound of the year round indoor vacation weather you get with the new 1954 RCA Victor air conditioner. That's right, it's as quiet as a sleeping baby. And a baby needs this kind of quiet, cool, restful atmosphere for sleeping. So do you, for that matter, especially when nights are hot and muggy. RCA air conditioners have that extra quiet hushabye fan that pushes the air through the room in a fresh, cooling flow. And the operation of an RCA air conditioner is so easy a child can lift the lid of the cleverly concealed climate tuner and a touch of her finger on the ingenious push button controls chooses the kind of indoor weather she wants. Of course, the RCA air conditioner has a thermostat control too for constant even comfort. So plan now before the warm weather begins to sleep better, work better, feel better with an RCA air conditioner in your home. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program Alice Faye and Phil Harris. The Phil Harris Orchestra during its long and varied career has played some unique engagements. But the place they're playing in this week probably tops all the others, at least in one respect. It is bigger than the Civic Auditorium and the Palladium combined. Oh no fellas, no fellas, no. What's the matter with you guys? It sounds so thin. Why can't you make it sound like some curly? It ain't all the orchestras fall. We'd sound a lot better if we had a regular bandstand with carpeting and silk drapes like they have at Cirrus or the Mocombo. There's nothing wrong with this place. This is the biggest supermarket west of Knott's Berry Park. When you think for their big opening they would have built a bandstand. Look, that's no excuse for the way you guys are playing. Will you please tell me why all during that last number the second trumpet player sounded so choked up and muffled? Because he's behind the dairy counter and he had to blow his way out of a bucket of cottage cheese. Oh, oh. I thought the piano player was a little young to have white sideburns. Alright, come on now. Let's start again. Now wait a minute, Curly. Before we start, we better get the clarinet player a May West life jacket. What for? Well, he's sitting on the edge of the pickle barrel and he can't swim. Don't be silly, will you? Let's cut out the joke and now let's go. One, two. Don't worry about it. It won't be the first time he's been marinated. Now look, fellas, jobs ain't so easy to get and this job ain't too bad. We're getting three dollars a man and all the broken cookies you can eat. So we have to do a little work on the side to earn our money. And I'm doing more work than any of you. I'm leading the band with one hand and running the hamburger grinder with the other. And it ain't easy. I'm so confused. I don't know if we're playing chop, liver and paradise or I'll be down to get you in a meatball, honey. Now come on, let's try it through this time. Will you? Let's go now. One, two. Excuse me, I beg your pardon. Hold it, hold it a minute fellas. Hold it just a second, please. Yes, lady? I'm sorry to interrupt, but I have a request. Wow. Yes, ma'am. We're always glad to oblige. This is the first request we've had. What is it you want, lady? A quart of milk. Lady, we have all this musical talent here and you want a quart of milk? That's right and make it fresh. You want the milk fresh? Yes, good and fresh. Okay, lady, you ask for it and that's how you're going to get it. Okay, boys. Lady, and thank you, Elsie. All right fellas, now it's time to play a medley for the customers, so let's try and make it good. How good can it be for three dollars a man? That's just the point, Elliott. The way this band plays, three dollars may be all worth. Hey, the bass player, hey, bass player, hey, Smalls, Smalls. Yeah? You was talking to me, Professor Harris? And I call you Professor only because I didn't save my money in the old country. Let's not change the subject, huh, Smalls? When we finish a number, why can't you cut out when we do? Why do you always play an extra note or two? To answer that question, you first got to understand the bass horn. You see, this is the mouthpiece and this here is the horn. But in between the horn and the mouthpiece, there is as much brass pipe as there is in the main washroom at the Stadler Hotel. And that pipe has more detours in it than the Hollywood Freeway. So now we know that your bass horn has all that brass tubing, so what about it? Don't you understand, Doomcoff? When I blow in a note, I don't got any idea when it's gonna come out. In fact, if you knew anything at all about... You see, there's one from 10 o'clock this morning. Now look, I'm gonna level with you guys. For the amount of time we put in rehearsing compared with the way the music comes out, believe me, it ain't good. What can you expect for three dollars a man? Will you keep out of this? Yes, to one minute. You pick a fighter with my friend and you got to fight with me. Oh, now we've heard from little Italy, huh? Just butt right out of this, Paizano. No, you don't. Not in my life. All right, it's all right. If we only make it three dollars a day, you got to be the one to blame. Listen, Paizano, I want you to know that we do things differently here than you do in Italy. Now, they have one kind of music and we have another. And I want to ask you another question. All right, go ahead. Name me one, just one Italian who made good in American music. Mario Lanze, Cio Pinze, Julius LaRosa, Enrico Caruso, Rosa Poncello, Vicka D'Amone, Franky Sinatra, Madame Tetrazini... I'll go put a couple more nickels in the parking meter. Come back! Barricomo, Dicca Stabile, Groucho Maxini... Bing across the belly... All right! Now come on fellas, we got to play it tune and we got to play it right tune. Now let's consider that this job is an opportunity. Don't you understand if we make good in this market? Who knows? We might get a chance to play at the grand opening of that new mule cemetery in Tijuana. Now let's hit it, will you fellas? I'd hold it a minute, hold it. Well, the food checker's gone. I better answer that phone myself. Hello? Hello, Alice? What? You're a kid. She called just now? Well, golly, that's for tomorrow. Hey, I got to hang up now, I got to tell the boys. Hey, thanks for calling, honey, bye! Hey fellas, we just got the break that we've been waiting for. Did you ever hear of Miss Pamela Van Ridgway? You mean that social leader broad? Yeah, that's the one. Now hold your hats, men. She just called the house and told Alice she needed an orchestra for her annual Bel Air Indoor Lawn Party. That means we've got to play like... Now brace yourselves... Lawrence Welk. Hey, women, Curly. We never heard that orchestra play. How are we going to know what Lawrence Welk sounds like? That's easy. Just get a Clyde McCoy record, boil it for two hours, and then play it with a shingle nail. Now, if you don't sue me for that, he ain't half the Norwegian I think he is. And listen, fellas, there's another thing about this Bel Air Bash that you've got to know. Miss Van Ridgway is a classical dancer. Now she may decide to do a solo for the guests, so we have to learn to play the ballet from Sylvia. Have any of you ever tackled the ballet? No, but I wouldn't mind tackling Sylvia. That's pretty funny, huh, Curly? Pretty funny? No, no. It wasn't funny. Wow. Throw a tadpole in my beer. Now listen, fellas, you've all heard this music, and even if you don't know the name of it, I'm sure you've heard it before. I've heard it before. I've heard it before. Now, fellas, you've all heard this music, and even if you don't know the name of it, I'll sing it for you. Now, it goes like this. I could have started that a little higher, couldn't I? Now, look, you all know it, fellas. Now, come on, let's fake it. One, two. Wait a minute. Who played that last note? It's me, bud. Mano, you're supposed to play it on your trumpet. Now, what happened to your trumpet? Oh, I forgot to tell you. Yesterday, I was to practice the music, when a man from the finance company used to come and take away my horn. Son, go to Potatacangit. I got so mad, I fight like a wildcat. I scream, I holler. That's where you made your mistake. Them collectors don't like any back talk. Maybe you gave him too much of your lip. God was stuck on a mouthpiece. There's nothing wrong here. Look, Elliott, you're the treasure of the band. Now, you're supposed to make the payments on the instruments. What happened to the money and the treasury? Curly, get that embezzlement tone out of your voice. I spent it on things that the band needed. For instance, I bought all that wallpaper. Wallpaper? What for? You know how wallpaper makes a room look so much larger and cheerier and brighter? Yeah, yeah. Well, I papered the inside of the orchestra bus. Well, that's different. I thought you spent the money foolishly. Look, we're going to settle all of this later. Now, let's get to work. There's only 24 hours between us and our debut in Bel-Air. This'll be something to tell the boys down at the union, huh, Curly? Our band playing a job in Bel-Air. Ah, man, yeah. Hey, Elliott, you realize that we are now riding through the most ultra-elite, fashionable, exclusive, and rich suburb in Southern California? I know it. Gee, what big estates. And look at those beautiful fields of cotton. That's not cotton. What is it? It's snow. Louis B. Mer gave his kid a pair of skis for Christmas. Good thing he didn't give him a gondola. Yeah, yeah. Do you know someone who kind of had a place here in Bel-Air, Curly? Yeah, I know what you mean, Elliott. For instance, look, look at that sign on the corner. Look what it says. You are now in the heart of Bel-Air. No loud automobile horns, no noisy children, no yapping dogs, and loud breathers kindly use one non-stroke. We're strict here, aren't we? I guess we'd better slow down. Uh-oh, that's the Van Ridgway house across the street. The one there, see it? With the lamp post. Man, what a lamp post. A live peasant with a light bulb in his mouth. Well, look, I'm going to park the bus right here and then we'll take the stuff out. All right. Now, Eddie, you and Ralph helped the drummer with this stuff and we'll get this stuff. Yes, hold it, everybody. Hey, Julius. Look, it's Julius the grocery boy. Hi, Julius. Mr. Harris, in the daytime, I'm a grocery boy. But at night, I have another job and I went to here to repossess their musical instruments. I got a court order. What? Care if you have got a court order. Now, can't you delay this until tomorrow? This Bel-Air job is our big chance. You're running our career. Cut, cut, deadbeat, possession list. Wait a minute. Just a second. That's my baton. And it's half paid for. This is the dull end. How am I going to wake up the brass section? You won't have no brass section. You've broken the arrangements. Julius, how can you do this to us? Musicians have a pretty tough life at best. Mr. You do? How come I've never seen him? Well, we always... He dreams he's a harp player? Yeah. I don't know if that's what he intended to say or not. You want to leave it that way or would you like to try for... Or you can take what you got and quit now. Well, if it's going to come out anything like the last one, I'd quit. But go ahead, take another flyer, kid. You're young. You can get away with it. You said that already. Sneaky thing like this. Yeah. Here we stand out on the sidewalk without any instruments and we're supposed to be in that house playing for this high-class party. Yeah. Now, what are we going to do? Well, let's go in anyway. You'll think of something. You've got a good brain, Curly. Don't con me, Clyde. What are we going to do in there until we think of something? We may as well take advantage of the free eats and everything, so let's just mingle with the guests and stall. Yeah. Mingle with the guests and stall. Makeful chatting with you. You know, I pride myself on knowing everyone in the social register, but I must confess I can't place you, Mr... Mr... Oh, oh, Stuyvesant. Stuyvesant W. Stuyvesant. Yeah, that's it. Stuyvesant W. Stuyvesant. Oh, how remarkable. What does the W stand for? Nothing, but it breaks up the monotonous. Oh, you really are amusing. Reminds me of the gay time I had in London with Winnie. He was so droll. I just love the English sense of humor. The English are so witty. I just love it. Oh, you do? Oh, yes. Then may I present my friend? Oh, of course. And what is his name? I'm Sir Elliot Jaguar at your service, Maddie. Jaguar? Which Jaguar would that be? He's the one with the 20-gallon tank. Oh, I say that's a racer. You have a British accent, don't you? If I don't, I'm carrying a mouthful of tapioca for nothing. No personalities before, but I do believe that one of you is pulling my leg. Elliot. I said mingle with the guest, not tango. Mr. Stuyvesant, I must confess I'm laughing only to hide my concern for the success of my party. The musicians haven't arrived yet. Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, Miss Van Richway. I'm sure that they'll show up. I beg your pardon, ma'am, I'm Thompson of the Bel Air Protective Association. I have checked on all of your guests, and these persons you are talking to are nothing but unprincipled imposters. What can you expect for $3 a man? Wait a minute. Look, don't be hasty, Miss Van Richway, because, look, honestly, there's nothing wrong with our being here. You see, we're the musicians. If you're the musicians, where are your instruments? Oh, yes, the instruments. Well, you see, the instruments, we've got curly. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's it. You see, Miss Van Richway, we knew that you being a Bel Air social leader that you wouldn't want just any kind of an orchestra, so at great expense to ourselves, we imported a special instrument. They're the rage of all Europe. Oh, well, how different. What sort of instrument is it? Well, you've heard of Adolf Sax, the inventor of the saxophone, and Guarnarius, the inventor of the violin, and, of course, Strativarius. Yes. Well, the instrument we use was perfected by a guy named Sam Kazoo. Well, well, as a hostess, I do appreciate being given the chance to present something new. And what may I tell my guests the title of your Kazoo selection will be? Just tell them that it's the premiere of a composition called Concerto for Tissue Paper. Our Allison Phil. Doing with that steel screen. I'm pushing it in front of our RCA Victor television set. What for? Honey, baseball is here, and I'm going to watch the games with Elliot. You know how he hates umpires. Yes. And you know how lifelike and real our television is. Last time when Elliot saw an umpire over our RCA Victor set, he thought he really was at the ball game. He reached for an empty bottle and heaved it at the ump. Oh, Phil, you're exaggerating. I know our television picture is clear and lifelike, but really... Exaggerating. See this black eye? The umpire threw the bottle back. Oh. Well, maybe Phil was exaggerating, but not too much. A demonstration will convince you that if you can't get to the ballpark, the next best thing is RCA Victor television. The wonderful new Master 21 model brings you clear lifelike pictures thanks to such famous RCA Victor advances as the magic monitor, automatic tuning, and golden throat fidelity sound. You can thrill do all this for as little as $199.95. Yes, for $199.95, RCA Victor gives you a season pass to the best in television baseball. And remember, a factory service contract for expert installation and maintenance is available in almost all TV areas, only to RCA Victor television owners. This is Phil again, ladies and gentlemen. May I tell you that your Easter Seals society serves crippled children and to receive its services a child has only to be in need of any of the things that will help. Things that will help him to live a happier and more nearly normal life. So if you haven't contributed, mail your gift today to your local Easter Seals society in care of your local postmaster. Thank you and good night. Good night, everybody. Secluded in this program, Francecribe, we're Gloria Gordon, Mary Jane Cross, Alan Reed, and Bill Thompson. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. Would you pick Sigmund Romberg's Song of Love as a campus favorite from coast to coast? Well, it is when played in the Ralph Flanagan Manor. Ralph Flanagan's danceable arrangements are the current college rage and 16 of them are now on RCA Victor Records. Here Ralph Flanagan's four new college albums at your RCA Victor dealers now. This has been an NBC Radio Network presentation. Plan to hear Can You Top This, which follows John Cameron Swayze on the NBC Radio Network.