 Welcome back to Feel Better Fast. This is part three. In the first two parts, we talked about identifying your anger triggers and also different ways that you could start to deal with them, including the fact that you can feel a feeling without having to act on it. We're going to move into talking about grief right now. And part of that is because anger is part of the grief resolution process. So in this section, we're going to learn about the components of the grief process. We'll define tangible and intangible losses, explore your own loss issues, and devise a plan to work toward acceptance. And a lot of that will make more sense as we get into it. So components of the grief process. Remember I said a couple minutes ago that anger is part of grief. The components of the grief process are denial. This isn't happening. Anger. I can't believe this is happening. Bargaining. If I do this, maybe it won't happen. Depression is happening. And acceptance. Now the thing that we need to remember about grief is it's not a linear process. Very few people just march through those five stages and voila, we're done. Some people all but skip certain stages, and you can bounce back and forth between stages until you reach the acceptance level. And even after you reach acceptance, you may bounce back. Now why is that? Let's think about this. Grief is when you experience a loss of some sort. Okay, that means you lost control. Remember in the earlier slides we talked about some of our basic fears. Loss of control is one of the biggies. The unknown, failure, rejection. These can all be certain types of losses. But losses take at least a year. The grief process takes at least a year to get through. Now why do we say that? Because every time you go to a place that reminds you of whatever it is that you lost, or go through an anniversary that reminds you of whatever or whoever it is you lost, you may kind of go backwards in your grief process, go back to anger, go back to depression, and you need to work through it again. Each time you do it, hopefully, it gets a little bit easier. But you need to remember that it's not just a one-time thing going all the way through. And like I said, not everybody goes through it in the same order. What a lot of people do notice, though, is they kind of don't notice the denial part. Then they move on to anger and depression. And then they bounce back and forth between anger and depression. Not everybody goes through or spends much time with bargaining. Part of that depends on your view of spirituality and loss and that kind of thing. So if you don't know what you're doing to bargain, don't get too hung up on it. What we want to focus on is anger, which is you trying to protect yourself from that loss of control, and depression. Depression is when you're hopeless and helpless. You're like, I can't do it. This sucks. I don't know what to do. So we want to deal with each one of those things. Sometimes, especially if it's a complicated loss or something unexpected, or maybe something kind of out of the normal line of things, like your child passes away before you do, it may take a lot longer than a year to get to the point where you're accepting it. And acceptance doesn't mean forgetting. It doesn't even mean going an entire day without thinking about the person or the loss. It means that it's not weighing on your mind heavily and sucking a lot of your energy. You are okay with it. You're accepting of it. So what kind of losses do we have? I said earlier we're going to talk about tangible and intangible. Tangible losses are death and loss of something. You know, you have a house. It burns down. That's a loss. You can't touch it anymore. It's not there anymore. You have a person. They pass away. Again, not there anymore. Those are the easy ones to identify as losses. But I want you to also remember there are certain losses, like when you move. You move to a different house. My son has this game called Minecraft. And he's just wicked smart and really good with spatial organization and stuff. I could never do it. But there was one time when he was about nine years old, he called me up to his computer and he's like, I want to show you this. And he had recreated the house that he lived in until he was ten years old. And, you know, it was a house. It was a great house. It was our first house. Yes, it was where he was born and he was raised up until ten. But it was significant for him. And to this day he keeps telling me that when he goes off to college, he's going to move back into that house. So, okay. But it's a loss when you move. You change cities. You change jobs. You change houses. It may be something better, but it's still a change. And change almost always involves some kind of a loss. Sometimes it's really easy to deal with. You're like, woohoo, moving up in the world, moving to a new house. We're good with it. But not always. There are some things that you'll remember. I look back through the pictures and I remember the way we had his nursery set up and I remember these other things. Am I sad about it? No. But it's one of those things that I've come to accept. So losses can come in many, many, many different forms. The intangible ones are the things you can't really put your finger on, literally. Loss of relationships. When you and your best friend have a falling out. Loss of a job. You know, it can be that you quit. It can be that you got laid off. It can be that you got fired. And it can even be that you decided to transfer to a different job. Loss of jobs and relationships are big changes for a lot of us. Loss of things and loss of money. Those are more tangible. And when people lose those things, especially if they define themselves, if you define yourself by your stuff, whether you have the biggest house, the best car, the most fashionable clothes, then losing things and money may have a stronger impact and may tend to hit you harder because you don't have the internal self-value that comes with a healthy self-esteem and good anger management. Intangible losses. Self-esteem. When something happens and you feel bad about it. You feel bad about yourself. Maybe you fail at something or you lose a job or you do something wrong. Whatever it is that kind of throws you for a loop can be considered a loss. So we need to consider how to fix that. Self-esteem really describes how you feel about yourself. Is this whatever it was that you lost a defining characteristic of you? Loss of confidence. Now this is a big one. It is easy for people to lose confidence. If they try something, they fail. It's like, oh, I'm not going to do that again. It can also make people very angry. People who, one of my friends took his son and his son's girlfriend out to the shooting range. And you know, they're teenagers. So they went out and his son is evidently very competitive. And his son's girlfriend evidently beat him at whatever this game they were playing was on the shooting range. And this young man lost his stuffing. Loss of confidence because his girlfriend, who had never shot before, beat him. What does that mean? There's a loss of confidence in his ability to be a good shot, be a good marksman. But also a loss of self-esteem because he thought he was all that in a bag of chips. And she took him down a notch. So he got angry. Dealing with that anger and figuring out, you know, what does it mean to me that I didn't win? I mean, I am super competitive. So, you know, I kind of can understand where he's coming from, but I have many more years of practice of dealing with not winning. So I've wrapped my head around what that means. And it means to me that I need to try harder and I need to be happy for the person who succeeded. Hope. When you lose hope, it's a big problem. This is kind of the definition of depression. When you lose hope that things can get better, you can get kind of cranky. Whether it's get better because your pain is constant, whether it's get better in your financial situation, in your relationship, in your work, whatever the case may be. Once you lose hope, you've got to go through a grieving process. Loss of faith in others or a willingness to trust. I'm sure most people have seen the meme, you know, people sup, get a dog. Some days I think that's a good idea. Not everybody is going to be as faithful or as honest or forthright with you as you are with them. So when you lose faith in others, it's a big deal. I have, you know, another friend that says everybody leaves all the time. And I think I talked about this in one of the earlier videos when we talked about extreme thinking. He has had many significant losses. And yes, it's true, a lot of people have left abandoned whatever. Now you can either take that and say, okay, I'm not going to trust anybody ever. And that's how you deal with that loss. You wall yourself off. Or you can figure out a different way to deal with it. But it's natural when you feel like you have been betrayed or abandoned to get angry. Loss of control, rejection, you know, it's kind of not okay and the unknown. Because if people are being untruth, not truthful with you about certain things, you're kind of like, well, what else is there out there that you're not telling me? Or maybe I misjudged everybody, not just you. So these kinds of losses make us consider and reconsider how we approach the world. One of the greatest buffers against stress, though, is our social relationships. So if we wall everybody off and get a dog, you know, the dog is great. But you're also setting yourself up to be more stressed, which leads to more anger, more anxiety. And loss of status or loss of a title. And again, we can talk about a variety of things. Maybe you're a CEO and then you're not a CEO anymore. Or maybe you're a mom. And then all the kids move out. Now you're still a mom, but it's different. You know, you've got this whole empty nest thing going on. Another title, if you will, that some people have to wrap their heads around. A lot of my clients identify themselves as addicts. So once they deal with their addiction, you know, if they don't want to call themselves addicts anymore, what does that mean? They have to deal with that loss. And some people are not equipped or not willing or don't know how to give up that title. What am I if I'm not an addict? They can't answer that question. My point in this slide was to get you to understand there are a lot of different types of losses. So the key is when you're going through that, your anger triggers, really look at what is triggering your reaction, that fight-or-flight reaction. Why do you feel threatened? A lot of it probably comes back to losses you've experienced. Sometimes the things we lose have more to do with hopes, dreams, and wants. For example, you didn't have the childhood you wanted. Your childhood sucked. Sorry. You know, that is not something we can change. So you need to come to some sort of an acceptance of that, which means you have to grieve the fact that you didn't have the parent that you wanted, or you didn't have the childhood you wanted, and figure out what you're going to do with that now. You can't change it, so what can you do with it now? Feeling bad about it isn't going to be really productive. And sometimes losses have to do with it just accepting that crappy things happen and life isn't fair. You know, I told you I'm a control freak, and loss of control is one of those basic fears. So accepting that, you know, sometimes crappy things just happen and life isn't fair isn't in my wheelhouse very often. So when crappy things happen, sometimes I have to go back and go, is this something I can control? Is this something I can change? And if not, how am I going to wrap my head around it and move on? So dealing with a loss, denial. Evaluate the evidence to determine if it's truly a loss. And evaluate the consequences of that loss. You lose a job. Is this a loss for you? You know, sometimes it may have been an awful job, and it's actually a blessing that you're not there anymore. So maybe it's going to be really easy to move on through this acceptance phase. Well, what are some secondary losses? Maybe you had some really good friends that worked at the same place that you did, and you aren't going to be able to spend as much time with them anymore. Or maybe, you know, I don't know. Look at the different repercussions or ramifications of each loss. Then you have your head wrapped around, okay, this is why I am moving into anger. Threat. Remember, anger represents a threat, fight or flee. I'm angry because I couldn't control this situation somehow, some way. Get accurate and see the whole picture. Okay? Whatever it is is done. So we need to get accurate and say, what is it that I can change? And what is it that I have to change my attitude about? Which means accept it, forget it, let it go, whatever words you want to use. Identify what you can and cannot control and make a plan. Alright, you got laid off from your job. That's a loss. You're not going to spend as much time with the people that you've been working with for the last 20 years, some of whom you really liked. That's a loss. You're starting to feel resentful that you got laid off, angry, frustrated, depressed. Maybe all of this kind of all at once. Okay? That's natural, that's normal. What are you going to do about it? Which parts can you control and what's your plan? For example, the people that you have worked with for the last 20 years. Just because you don't work there anymore doesn't mean you have to lose touch. So how can you stay in touch with them? What is your next step for finding a new job? Dealing with those things takes your mind off the things you can't control and focuses on what you can. Bargaining, remember I said not a lot of people spend a lot of time here, but it's worth going over. If I were a better friend, if I were a better mother, if I were a better employee, maybe this would change. If I hadn't done this. Bargaining is kind of finding ways to delay dealing with the loss when my father was diagnosed with cancer. You know, I did all kinds of bargaining with my higher power and it didn't do any good. I was trying to delay dealing with the fact, dealing with the inevitable fact that he was terminal. So then you move into depression. You accept the fact that there are some things you cannot change. And this hurts. It makes you sad. You've expended a lot of energy being angry and bargaining and all that mental gymnastics you've been doing. So part of that goes into depression too. Your brain's just going, I'm out. I don't know how to deal with this. I just need to go to sleep for a little while and wake up and try to face it again. Then we move to acceptance. Depression is normal when you have a flood of emotions. There's kind of a crash period afterwards. It can be a day. It can be a week. If it goes more than two weeks, you probably want to start talking to somebody. Not necessarily a professional. Maybe you need to talk to your pastor or your friend. But when depression starts lingering, we need to start looking at what self-talk you're giving yourself. Think of life in terms of book chapters. This helps me when I try to move on and accept a loss. We'll go back to the job again, because most people can relate to that. Or graduating. When I graduated college, that chapter was over. Close the book. There were a lot of things that I loved about college, and there's a lot of things I still miss about college. But that chapter is over. And I can go back and I can reread that chapter. I can revisit that chapter. But I can't rewrite that chapter. It's done. All right, now we're going to move on to vulnerabilities. When we're talking about anger management and depression and feeling better, the term vulnerabilities means what things make you more likely to be depressed, angry, anxious, miserable, whatever word you want to use. So in this section, we're going to define vulnerabilities. What are they? We're going to identify potential vulnerabilities and solutions for you. Emotionally, you have vulnerabilities. Sometimes you wake up on the wrong side of the bed. That's just the way it is. Mentally, your thought processes. Physically, when you're in pain or you're sick. Socially, having problems with your friends. And environmentally. Yeah, we'll talk about environmentally, because chaos makes me cranky. So vulnerabilities are situations or things that increase the chances of you getting angry or depressed or whatever word. Vulnerabilities apply across all of the negative emotions. This is an anger presentation, so we'll focus on that. Physical vulnerabilities. These are the ones that are easiest to notice. Pain. If you wake up and you're in pain or you have chronic pain, you may tend to be a little more cranky on the days your pain is worse. If you're one of those people who can tell when the cold front is coming in. I'm one of them. Know that when a cold front starts coming in, you may feel more pain, which may tend to make you crankier. So you've got a plan for that. You know, if I know one's coming in or I wake up in the morning and I'm like, oh, I feel like I'm 80. I may take an anti-inflammatory to take the edge off that vulnerability. So I'm not poochie all day long. Sickness. Okay. Being sick is no fun. When you're sick, you tend to not be in the best of moods. Add on top of that medications that may make you spacey-headed or anxious like Sudafed. You can tend to be or have more problems with anger management issues. So be aware. If you're not feeling well, if you're in pain, tend to be a little more short-fused. Lack of sleep. Oh, yeah. Lack of sleep is a big one for me. I need sleep, and if I don't have sleep, I can, over a long period of time, I can be a little bit of a lot temperamental. I know this about myself. I know I need to pay attention to my sleep in order to help regulate my mood. Too many stimulants. If you get up in the morning and you start drinking coffee and I don't mean the weak stuff. I mean the stuff that you pour out and it's kind of like molasses. And you drink that all day long. It may make you a little bit edgier. Be aware of the different stimulants. It's in soda. It's in coffee. It may be in some of the energy bars or protein bars you eat. Stimulants typically are caffeine and decongestants. Those are the ones that people are most likely to ingest. If you're one of those people who chugs monsters constantly, again, not the best idea if you tend to have anger management or impulsivity issues. You want to look back. If you're using all those stimulants, how are you sleeping? Those stimulants may be contributing to a lack of sleep which contributes to the use of more stimulants which contributes to a lack of sleep which all contribute on this downward spiral of poor anger management. And low blood sugar. Even if you're not what technically hypoglycemic, if you haven't eaten in six or seven hours and you're hungry and your blood sugar is low, you will be more likely to be irritable. Irritability, if I'm just a little bit irritable and I give somebody an attitude, they may give me an attitude back to which I respond with anger and we have the anger management issue. So be aware. These are easy things, for the most part, to deal with. Pain. Talk with your doctor if you've got chronic pain. Exercise. Whatever it takes to help you deal with it. Sickness. Carry yourself. Take your vitamins. Eat a good healthy diet. You're going to get sick sometimes. Figure out the best way to deal with it. And cut yourself some slack. If you're sick, you're sick. Don't expect to be running a marathon that day. Sleep. Good sleep hygiene. It helps with anxiety. It helps with depression. It helps with anger. Sleep is a big one and most people don't usually argue with me when I tell them, you know, I think you really need to sleep. Too many stimulants. Most people choose not to go cold turkey and just cut out all caffeine because they get wicked headaches and all kinds of stuff. And, you know, I don't disagree. I say try to cut back to 50% caffeine, 50% decaf and cut out caffeine six hours before bed. That way, your sleep is quality sleep. Caffeine has a really long half-life in your body. And low blood sugar. Keep a snack on hand. Don't go huge long periods without eating. It's bad for your metabolism, bad for your blood sugar, bad for your mood. So with pain, we can talk about medical management. Drugs. Physical therapy. Breaching. If you're sick, rest and recover. If you have too many stimulants, oh, nicotine. That was the one I forgot to mention. See, this is why I had it on the slide. Watch your caffeine, your nicotine and your decongestant intake. And while I'm on the subject, I'll get on my little soapbox. Nicotine isn't just cigarettes. It can be any tobacco product or the e-cigarettes that have the nicotine in them. You need to be aware of what you're ingesting. Low blood sugar. Eat healthfully and regularly. Ideally, eat a little bit of something every three hours. If you can have a protein and a carb, bonus. But eat a little bit of something every three hours. Sleep. Cut out caffeine six hours before bed. Avoid alcohol within two hours of bed. You may think it makes you sleep better, but it actually disrupts your REM cycles. Create a wind-down routine. I don't know why we give this up as soon as we get out of kindergarten. Create a wind-down routine so your body knows that, okay, when I start doing this, it's time to wind down. For me, I make dinner. You know, we put all the animals to bed. I get in bed. I start playing Scrabble. And by the time I'm through with my fifth Scrabble game, um, I don't know if it's moved, not five games, but anyway, by the time I'm through with that, I'm starting to get a little heavy-eyed. My body knows it's time to start winding down. Avoid bright lights or sunlight right before bed. So if you're a night shift worker, try to stay out of the sunlight. Be like a vampire. Avoid being in the midst of really bright lights daytime. Make your sleeping space comfortable. Whatever comfortable is for you. Keep a notepad and a red light by your bed. And you're like, red light. Red light does less to disrupt your night vision so you're not sending the wake-up signal to your brain. So if you have a red light, you can use it to write on your notepad. So if your mind's going a million miles a minute, write it down. And I didn't mean to make the crazy sign. Anyway, if your mind is going really fast, it's going to keep going fast unless you get all that stuff out. The best way to get it out, write it down on a notepad. Red light, notepad, and pen, of course. And keep naps to less than 45 minutes. Once you go past that 45 minutes, you're going to get into a REM cycle and then your body's going to go, am I supposed to be sleeping for the night or what are we doing here? And it's harder to wake up from a long nap. Simple things like addressing pain, getting enough sleep, moderating sweets, and alcohol and stimulants can go a long way toward helping you manage your anger. Yeah. It doesn't sound like anything to do with anger, does it? But the way you feel will impact how you react and interpret what's going on around you.