 Quality of product is essential to continuing success, an outstanding example. Yes, lucky strike means fine tobacco. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. LSMFT, LSMFT program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day and yours truly, Don Wilson. Gentlemen, since tonight is our last broadcast of the season, I would like to pay tribute to the star of our show. 15 years ago, a kind and gracious young man started his radio career at the tender age of 37. I was awfully tender. And tonight, 15 years later, he's still kind, still gracious, and still 37. And here he is. This is Jack Buddy talking. And, Don, that was a very silly statement to make. If I was 37 and that was 15 years ago today, I'd be 49. You mean 52? I can get it wholesale. Anyway, for your information, Don, when I started a radio 15 years ago, I was 22. What are you talking about? I knew you'd been and you had gray hair. Don, I was born with gray hair. I was worried about the doctor bill. I'm glad I didn't pay him slapping me when my back was hurt. And, Don, here's an amazing coincidence. If you read it in a story, you wouldn't believe it. After all these years, who do you think is sitting in the audience this very moment? The doctor. No, his lawyer. The case comes up in court when I'm here, Don, since this is the last program of the year. I've got a surprise for you. I'm giving everybody a bonus. Here's a check for you. Well, thanks, Jack. I know it isn't much, but it'll help you get back to California. This check will help me get back to California. Turn it over, brother. There's a roadmap on the other side. They kill that one good. That was a good joke that I did to that. And, Don, never look a gift phone in the mouth. I want to see that right now. Oh, hello, hello, hello, hello, Jack. Hello, here's the last program. Let's go nuts all together. Mary, I'm glad you came in. I was just telling Don that since this is the last program of the season, I'm giving everybody in the cast a bonus. Oh, Jack, how can you afford it after that bonus you gave me last year? What did he give you, Mary? A dozen bobby pins. You got too dirty. There wasn't your car. Phil Harris got a short haircut and had no use for them. All right, all right, but this year, it's different. Now, here's your bonus, Mary. Take this and go out and buy yourself a new dress. Here. Oh, boy, a doobie look kind. I got that by mentioning them on the air. When'd you do that? Just now. But Jack, I was the one that mentioned Klein. Oh, oh, now they owe us another one. Oh, wait a minute, Jack. Do you mean when you mention the name of a product that give you one free? Well, sometimes, Mary, but you have to do it cleverly. Which reminds me, Mary, on the way home, I'm going to stop at Plymouth Rock. Then I'm going to Pontiac, Michigan. And if I can afford it, I'll take you out some night and show you how a cab will act. You certainly pack it a mile in. Thanks, Mary. That was a view week. Say, Mary. Say, Mary, where are you going to spend your vacation this summer? Inside of a luncheon watch. I can go along with a plug. Just be happy with your dress. But I'm not kidding, Mary. Where are you going to spend your vacation? In Grand Central Station. I like peace and quiet. That joke was written three o'clock yesterday. Amazing what 24 hours can do to a gag, isn't it? Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello. Dennis, since this is the last program of the season, I thought it was the. How do you feel, Mr. Benny? Fine. Dennis, since this is the last program of the season. Loving any fun, kid? Dennis, since this is the last program. When are you going home, Mr. Benny? Wednesday. Dennis, since this is the last program. What a bonus. That's what I'm trying to tell you. I'm giving every member of my cast a bonus. Oh, am I a member? Certainly. Is that why you make me pay dues? It has nothing to do with it. That money I deduct from your salary I'm putting away for your nest egg. My nest egg? Yeah, on the other hand, Benny will keep it warm for you. I don't have to worry about a nest egg, Mary. I'm expecting a call from my sponsor any minute to pick up my option. Believe me, this year I'm going to be even tougher to get than last year. Yeah, you're really tough to guess. Well, I was. Oh, sure. The sponsor laid the contract on the table, pointed to the dotted line, and you signed so fast you put half your name on his finger. On his finger, on his finger, some joke. Now, let's get on with this. Hey, Mr. Benny, how about my bonus? Oh, yes, I, uh, oh, wait a minute. I just happened to think of it. I gave you your bonus yesterday. Oh, yes, I forgot. Thanks very much. You're welcome. What'd you get, Dennis? A dress at Klein's. What? With a peek-a-boo waist. That's a take home to your mother. And another thing, kid, I got a surprise for you. I may be able to give you a car. A car? Yeah, a few minutes ago I mentioned the name of a lot of automobiles, the names. And naturally, they'll all send me one. Gee, that won't work, Mr. Benny. I tried it once. I mentioned mercury. What happened? They sent me a thermometer. Oh. So I took my temperature. It was 106. What? Boy, it was. I burned up. Dennis. That's a joke, son. I'm glad you're frozen. Now, come on, Dennis. Let's have a song. Well, yes, come on. It's Wonderful from Annie Get Your Gun, sung by Dennis Day. Very good kid. And I'm happy to know that you're going to be with me next season. Mr. Benny, you tricked me into signing my contract. Tricked you. Dennis, your new contract cost for $38 a week. And that's what I'm going to pay you, $38 a week. So how did I trick you? When you held me upside down, it looked like 83. Oh, stop. Why, Jack, that's the silliest thing I ever heard of. If you wanted to trick Dennis, why didn't you hold the contract upside down? Well, all the pages had Dennis's lighter. So let's. All right, folks. You can drive up there. Well, Paris is sure to be back next year. I'll be here. Ladies and applause for me enough to run me through the summer, you know? Hey, Bill, I heard that. You don't have to worry about the summer. I'm giving you and every member of the cast a bonus. Look, Jackson, I know all about your bonuses. If you really want to do something, just give me a little raise in salary. Raise in salary, Bill. You're the only man in the country that can't strike because you know you're overpaid now. And you can take that miner's lamp off your head. You're not fooling anybody. I gave you a raise. I know what you do with it. Now, look, you're wrong this time, Jacks. And I'm on the wagon. You're on the wagon? The trains weren't running. I had to get on something. Look, Jacks, I've had a drink since we've been in New York. What are you talking about? I saw you in a bar last night. You ordered a double scotch. That was to dip my tie in. Dip your tie in? I can quit drinking this stuff, but I'm not going to stop smelling it. I should have known. When you get undressed at night, you hang your clothes in the closet, put your tie in the chandelier. Hey, Bill, let me look at that tie. Is it pure silk? No, it's a blend. Now, cut that out! Imagine zipping your tie in scotch. Yes, sir, I'm the only guy in town with a wet travestte. New York's are going to hang all the comedians at half mass. The one they should hang, they won't. People, now you know why I need a vacation. Oh my goodness, I nearly forgot. Don, hand me that glass of water, please. I want to take this pill. Oh, here you are. Thanks. Jack, what was that pill you just took? Well, after our show tonight, I have to go over and appear on Fred Allen's program. But what was the? Ben's a green. I want to keep a wave. Better off asleep. I wouldn't have to look at those bags under his eyes. Allen's got the only face I ever saw with patched pockets. Jack, you're just jealous of Fred because he's such a great ad-libber. Oh, some great ad-libber. I can ad-lib better than Allen with one rider tied behind my back. Every week is the same thing. Portland says, Mr. Allen, Mr. Allen, it's time to visit the alley. Shall we go? And then the genius answers. Well, Portland, as what script he's answered said to the other, let's take off. And those people, and those people he meets down there, that tightest moody. Party boob. Dinner. What people see on Allen, I don't know. He tries to read a script. The words get blocked by his nose. Then they get kicked around by his tonsils, bounced off his adenoids. And because it comes out different than the way it's written, they say he ad-libs. Believe me, I'm a better, I'm better. I'm better than he is. I'm three betters. I'm three times as good as that ad-lib. Go on. You couldn't ad-lib a yawn after a gallon of oval tea. I can, too. Hey, Phil, you were on Allen's program last week, weren't you? Yeah. And say, Jackson, you want to know something? What? Did you know that I found out something about Senator Clegg on? Oh, what? He's from the South. No. So help me, patrol. Thanks for telling me, Phil. Now, come on, let's have a band now. OK. Oh, say, Jack. Jack, excuse me a minute. Yes, Don. I may not see you after the show, so I just want to say goodbye now. Don, you mean you're in such a hurry to leave on your vacation? Oh, no, no. I'm going to start my summer job for Lucky Strikes. Summer job? Another program? No, no. I'm going down to North Carolina and pick tobacco. Pick tobacco? Don, you mean our sponsor is making you do that? Oh, no, no, Jack. I begged him for the opportunity. You what? Just think of it, the whole summer feeling those tobacco leaves. But, Don, look, that's fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. But, Don, spending your whole vacation picking tobacco? That's my pleasure, Jack. A tobacco that goes into Lucky Wonderful, that makes that strike. Raps my voice and call, hello. I can just hear you do it. As I wait by the Magnolia tree, from over the Everglades will come Cleo's answer. That's Cleo's. Hello. For me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Maybe that's Cleo. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. I'm sorry. Don, that's the most touching thing I've ever heard. Well, Jack, I don't know. No, no, no. Don, don't say, anything to spoil it. Play, pal. Hey, Denny, some, that's one on you, Jackson. This ain't even my band. These are New York boys. Well, how'd you happen to pick them up? Easy. I was just walking down the street and they followed my time. Loose, Max, not till after the show. Hmm. No matter where we go, Phil, you always get the same... I'll get it. Hello. What is it, Rochester? I got your truck all packed and loaded on the mule. Rochester, the railroad strike is over. You got the mule before the strike was on. Well, I'm taking the train. I'm kind of sorry you're not going back with me, but I'm glad you got that nice job at the Zanzibar Capet. Oh, thanks for letting me take it, boys. But ain't I the one that's supposed to get the 90 percent? Yeah, but I'm keeping it for you for the next day. Well, push the head off. I'm hungry. It'll be safe for me, Rochester. Don't worry and do a good job at the Zanzibar. I will. And before I hang out. Yeah, and Rochester, I bet nobody there dreamed I'd get up and play the violin. Obviously, the tape was full. And I couldn't hear all of it, so there was some guy under our table making a lot of noise. Oh, him? Well, I was ridiculous. By the way, Rochester, why didn't you sing that song to accentuate the positive? I always liked the way you did that. I did sing it. You just didn't hear me. That was when you were arguing with the waiter about the check. I wasn't arguing with him. He charged me too much for the beer, and I was just pointing out his mistake. That was no mistake, and a nice cut you don't get unless you're back on the bottle. Club joint. Anyway, Rochester, you go on and have a good time here, and I'll see you when you get home. By the way, I have a little bonus for you. I mail it to you. Never mind. I'll go down to clients and pick it up myself. All right, goodbye, Rochester. Good luck. So few minutes, our last program will be over, and we probably won't be seeing much of each other until September. But here are your assignments for this week. On Wednesday night, you must listen to the radio because Dave Rose is going to conduct his Warkegan Concerto, which is written especially for me. And next Sunday, at the same time, I want you to listen to the Frank Morgan show, which is replacing us for the summer. It's going to be great. Frank has always done a swell job, and I know he's going to be back and fine for it. And now, kids, before I kiss each one of you goodbye, I want to come in. Well, hello, Jack. Hello, Ed. Look, it's a good cell of him. Ed, it was nice of you to drop in on my last program. You know the gang, Mary, Don, Dennis and Phil. Hello, Ed. Yes, Jack, I've met them all except Phil. Yeah, we never had the pleasure. Well, I'll remedy that. Phil, I'd like you to meet Ed Sullivan. Ed is the famous columnist. Well, hello, Ed. Why don't you leave Moscow? I said columnist. My goodness. Tell me, Ed, and what's the... Him I'm going to have back next year. Ed, what's the occasion for this visit? Well, Jack, I came over to present you with an award. An award for me? Mm-hmm. But first, I'd like to get a little interview. See, our readers would like to know exactly what goes on behind the scenes in the radio show. You know, who are the people behind the performance? Well, let's see. First, I must give credit to my writers, John Takkeberry, Milch-Josesburg, George Balger and Sam Fett. I think they're four of the smartest, cleverest, funniest, and most intelligent writers in the business. Well, Jack, it's very nice of you to hear that about your boys. They wrote the line. He had to say it. Never. But Ed, you can take my word for it. They're very clever. Oh, I know that, Jack, and I've heard a lot about them. Jack, isn't it true that Sam Perrin and George Balger wrote the Broadway show, Are You With It? Yes, yes, they did that with my permission. Didn't John Takkeberry write that song, Pickle in the Middle? Yes, yes, he did that with my permission. And isn't your other writer, Milch-Josesburg, expecting a baby soon? Yes, he... Yes, yes, he is. If Hilda is listening, we hope she feels all right. Well, Jack, who are some of the other people who are important to your program? Well, there's my special assignment, man. Hilliard Marks, producer Bob Ballin, musical director Maylon Merrill, secretary Jane Tucker and Bird Scott, and last but not least, Herman McShonisey. Herman McShonisey, what does he do? He explains Dick Tracy to Phil Harris. Now on the acting... on the acting side of the ledger, we have Mel Blank, who plays a part of my French violin teacher, also my parent. Artie Auerbach, the hot dog salesman, Sarah Burner and Dee Benedera, who played the telephone operators. Dick Lane, who plays a part of Steve Bradley, my press agent, Jeanine Ruse, who played Phil Harris' little daughter. Frank Nelson, who always pops up on the show, looks at me and says, Yes! Joe Kearns, the keeper of my vault. Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman, who really owned this program, was the star on a During the Weeks They're Off. My NBC engineer, George Foster and Charlie Buck, my soundman, Floyd Caton and Parker Cornell. And finally, Wilbur Clingentheel. Wilbur Clingentheel? He explains Dick Tracy to Herman McShonisey. Well then, I guess that takes care of them all. Unless you want to mention that Jonathan sweeps up after the show. No, no, he left me and is now writing for Fred Allen. Now Ed, how about... Mr. Sullivan, would you mind putting something in your column for me? Why not at all, Dennis? I'd be glad. What's the occasion? My mother had a baby. Well, that is news. When? Twenty-two years ago. Dennis? What's his name? Oh, stop it. I don't want to appear anxious. But how about this award you're going to give me? Huh? Jack, click on my lapel. Oh, pardon me. I forgot myself. What kind of an award is it, Ed? Well, let's call the Ed Sullivan Award for Modern Screen Magazine, Mary, and it's being given to Jack Benny because of his outstanding radio programs during the past season. Oh, and that's such a thrill, really. I'm overwhelmed. I feel faint. Quick, Bill, let him fill your cow. And so, Jack, on behalf of Modern Screen Magazine, it gives me great pleasure to award you this gold prize. Gee, thank you. Stop fighting it. It's gold. Now, but Ed, this is a Modern Screen Award, and I have made a picture in two years. That had something to do with it, too. You know, Mary, it's really a great thrill for me to give this award to Jack because he made his very first radio appearance on my program 15 years ago. That's right, Mary. And who sponsored that program? Let's see. Gerardine Herotonic. Jack made his debut on a Herotonic program? On a Herotonic program? On a Herotonic program? What an opening for an actor who ain't worried about options. Bill, one more word out of you. I'll light a mask to your tie and blow you out of here. Now, quiet. Well, I guess I'd better run along, Jack. Uh, how about another game of golf tomorrow? Certainly, Ed, if you're not afraid that I'll beat you again like I did yesterday. Wait a minute. Say, Ed, did Jack really beat you at golf? Why do you think I had to give him this award? Oh, for goodness sake, it was our agreement that you weren't supposed to mention that. Now you've spilled the beans. Well, goodbye, Ed, and thanks very, very much. You're welcome, Jack, and so long. Crawling to a game of golf, maybe you'd win an Oscar. Mary, Mary, don't be so... Say... I wonder if Joan does play golf. At the same time, again, I want to thank everybody associated with this program and also all of my listeners, even those of you who can't stand Jack Benny.