 The Avident Costello Program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costly or properly aged tobaccos. See if your throat and your taste don't make Camel a first with you, too. Find out for yourself. Listen to the great rhythms of Will Osburn at his orchestra, the swingy singing of Connie Haines. And that gallant, chubby little gentleman who, when he walked into Hedy Lamar's dressing room by mistake, politely said, Hey Costello, what are you so excited about? What's the matter with you? I don't know, Abbot. I'm all mixed up. In my room I got a big picture of Lauren Bacall on the ceiling. Yes. And on my dresser I got a picture of Rita Hayworth. On the walls I got two pictures of Betty Gravel. And under my pillow I got a picture of Dorothy Lamar in a sarong. And I think I'm going nuts. Why? All night long I keep dreaming of Gene Autry's horse. Look, talk sense, Costello. What were you doing in the courthouse this morning? Oh, I was there to see my Uncle Artie Steppins get his divorce. Was it an interesting divorce trial? Oh, sure. The judge said, Mr. Steppins, I'm going to give your wife $35 a week. What did Artie say to that? He said, that's mighty nice of you, Judge. I'll try to slip a buck every now and then myself. Now Lou, that was ridiculous. What were the grounds for the divorce? Miss representation. She said that before they were married, Uncle Artie told her he was well off. Well, was he? He was, but he didn't know it then. Well, she must have had better grounds than that. What else did she claim? Well, she wanted to get rid of him, because she was always getting indifferent. Artie was getting indifferent? Yeah, he was getting indifferent girls' apartments every night. Oh, stop that nonsense, please. I'm glad I went to the trial, though, Abbott. I found out what causes 100% of the divorce cases. So you know what causes all the divorces? Yep. What? Marriage? You know, you know nothing about marriage, Costello. Marriage is a great institution. Yeah, but who wants to live in an institution? Costello, marriage is wonderful. Yeah, marriage is like a three-ring circus. A three-ring circus? Yep. Engagement ring, marriage ring, and suffering. How can you talk... And Anna! Never mind. How can you talk like that, Costello? You've never been a husband. In fact, you don't even know what a husband is. Oh, yes, I do. Oh, all right. What is a husband? A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed. Costello, you're a dope. But you don't have to worry about marriage. Very few women would marry you. Very few would be enough. Well... But what happened to that girl you used to go with? Ruby Poole Q. I thought you two were engaged. We was, Abbott. You were? But I broke it off. I told her to keep the ring. You mean you were willing to lose an expensive diamond engagement ring? That's right. What's a buck and a half to a man with a broken heart? Ruby went ahead and she married Stinky Rappaport. Stinky Rappaport? Stinky Rappaport. I gave them a beautiful set of silver. Table silver? No, pocket silver. Four dimes and a quarter. Well, talk, sense, Costello. Why don't you try to meet some nice girl and go steady? Oh, Amber, I met one last night in the movies. And I took her out. She was an usher. You mean she's an usherette? What? Usherette. Yeah, she yet, and she drank. She ate like a horse. She had her nose bag with her. Oh, I never mind that. You know, we had a wonderful time, Amber. You did? Then I took her home and we sat in a palla. Just the two of us. Oh, it must have been romantic. Romantic. We sat on a sofa and I read her a love story. Then suddenly she reached over and switched off the light. What did you do? I turned it on again. Who can read in the dark? Oh, what a guy. You're in the palla with a beautiful girl and you read a book. Why don't you take her to a dance? Oh, I'm all true with dances. What do you mean? I took Cleopatra to a dance last night. Cleopatra. Last week. Cleopatra. Cleopatra. You idiot, Cleopatra has been dead for 2,000 years. No wonder she couldn't lumber. Costello. Spelled backwards or something else. All right. Look, Costello, why don't you try to make a hit with that little girl my wife introduced to you? Oh, that's a sweet heart. Yeah, sweet water. Sweet water. Sweet water. Yeah. I had to give her up, Abbott. Why? Her father didn't like me. Her father wanted you to marry her. I said he didn't like me. Her father said he'd pay half your expenses if you got married. Yeah, but who's going to pay the other half? Costello, you're always thinking about money. When I got married, I was just a struggling young actor. Struggling, I would get out. Sometimes I get lost if you don't know where you are. Well, I was still struggling. Thank you. And how you were struggling. I struggled. I know you struggled, but you didn't get away. No, Costello. You're an imbecile. You lose all your girls. Look, what happened to your engagement to Tessie Tinfoil? It's broken. Did you break it? Nope. Did she break it? Well, Tessie told me what her clothes cost, and I told her what my salary was. And when the engagement just sort of sagged in the middle and busted by itself. Costello. Both of us better get glasses. Costello, how did you happen to meet Tessie Tinfoil in the first place? Well, I went down to the bank and drew out my money. Yes. There she was. Five minutes later, we were engaged. You asked the girl to marry you, and you only knew her five minutes. That's right. Abbott, you'd be amazed what you can do when you meet somebody if you don't waste time shaking hands. Costello, what became of Tessie Tinfoil? Oh, Tessie's an MP in the Navy. An MP in the Navy? What does she do? She keeps the wolves away from the waves. Costello, why aren't you more like your brother Pat? Now, there's a happily married man. Why, I heard Pat's wife say she couldn't wait to hear the patter of little feet around the house. Well, Abbott, your information, it won't be long now. You mean? Yep. Pat's taken up tap dancing. Oh, Costello, you're hopeless. What's wrong with that? You don't even know how to look at a girl. I don't. Yes. There is. That's awful. That guy ought to be ashamed of himself. Oh, that's terrible. Goodbye. Who is that? The police department. They're after a peep in town who's been looking into the coarse girls' dressing rooms over Errol Carroll's stator from the roof of this building. Boy, I'd hate to be in that guy's shoes when those cops get through with him. Yep. I gotta go now, Abbott. See you later. Wait a minute. Where are you going? I'm going to sell my binoculars. We've been reading some swell war headlines these days, but it's a different tune when you're right there in the middle of it. Well, just picture yourself and those front lines and picture a buddy turning to you and saying, hey, got a cigarette? Would you give him one of yours and how you would, even if it was the last one in your pack? Well, remember that when you can't get the camels you want here at home. You're giving your camel to that fighting Joe who's asking for it. Because billions and billions of camels go to our fighting men. The service first. Army, Navy, Marines and Coast Guard, wherever they go and they're winning of the war, they have first call on camels. C-A-M-E-L-S. The service first. Camel presents Will Osburn now with an arrangement of a current favorite, candy. Why fix it up for you to take our girlfriend out? Emma Fiddlebuster. Emma Fiddlebuster? Not me, Abbott. I took that dame to a restaurant once and on the way out the manager searched me. Castella, you have an honest face. The manager searched you. Well, he took one look at Emma Fiddlebuster and he said, if you'll walk out of here with her, you're liable to walk out of here with anything. How can you say that, Castella? Emma is a blonde and you'd go out with any blonde. I would not. Name one. Nelson Eddy. Oh. Quiet, Castella. Hey, here comes Emma now. Oh, good evening, Miss Fiddlebuster. Hello, bud. I believe you know my partner, Lou Castella. Oh, yes. It seems to me I met you someplace before, Mr. Castella. I don't think so. I never go to the zoo. Get the kisser on this kid. Name. I never even looked at you. Isn't that annoying? And if I remember correctly, you winked at me with your good eye. Me. When I look at you, I turn gray as a sheet. Castella, I think you mean white as a sheet. Abbott, you ain't seen our laundry lately. But I'm beautiful. Why, Lana Turner and I are sisters under the skin. Well, crawl back under the skin and send out Lana, kid. Well, Castella, what do you think of Miss Fiddlebuster? Well, what do you think? I'll tell you what I think. Abbott, if you want to get me a date, why don't you ask Connie Haynes to go out with me? She's wonderful. I love her voice. Connie has a grand voice. Do you like her range? Like her range? I like her whole kitchen. Well, look, I'll get you a date with Connie Haynes on one condition. You must promise not to kiss her because if you kiss her, her mother will worry. Okay, Abbott. I won't kiss her. I'll let her kiss me. But my mother will worry. I mean, no wonder girls won't go out with you. Is that so? I know how to treat a girl, Abbott. First, I'll buy her flowers and canes. Then I take her to a show. And then I take her to a cabaret. I spend seven or eight bucks. Then we walk along until we meet a sailor. Then what? Oh, I can always find my own way home. Well, Castella, I'm going to arrange for you to take Connie Haynes to a nightclub. But first, I must be sure you will conduct yourself like a gentleman. Come with me. Where are we going? I'm going to put you through a complete course of social etiquette at the charm school. Well, let's go. Well, here we are at the charm school. What took us so long? They are just the same. Ah, welcome. Welcome to my school, gentlemen. I am Professor Mellonhead. Gentlemen, I teach charm. Abbott, get me out of here. This guy couldn't charm a snake. Quiet, Castella. Young man, I'll have you know that I do teach charm. Why, with that head, you should be teaching billiards. Hand me a Q, Abbott, and I'll run snooker with a stone. No, no, no. Take it easy, Castella. Professor Mellonhead is an expert at etiquette. I know he etiquette. You know what? I know he etiquette. You can see he etiquette. He's still got the tail on his upper lip. Quiet, you old beast buffoon. Hey, hey, hey! Continue. All right. My high forehead denotes intelligence, brains. My boy, that's where I shine. Well, why don't you take some of the shine off your head and put it on your shoes? From behind your skull looks like an empty parking lot. Castella, what do you behave yourself? Now, tut, tut, let me handle him, Mr. Abbott. I'll transform this boy into a perfect gentleman. Now, our first lesson here in charm is how to behave at home. Castella, what would you do when the butler enters the room? We ain't got no butler in my house. No butler? My dear boy, if you have no butler, how do you know when dinner is ready? When my mother takes the iron bars off the dining room door. And then you eat. Not until she opens up the vault door to get you into the kitchen. And then you eat. Then we eat because I'm full. Never mind that. Now, we'll say that you're already in the dining room. Now, what do you do with the crumbs at the table? Crumbs? Certainly. Don't you have crumbs at your table? Oh, yeah. Abbott comes once a week. And you're welcome anytime. You can come. Oh, never mind. We'll skip the crumbs, Castella. Now, let's say that you have on your plate a slice of roast beef with gravy, some tickled beets, and a lovely portion of beans. Now, which fork do you use? I don't use no fork. No fork? No, I just slip my lower lip under the plate and bank the beans off the tickled beets. That's fine. Now, we'll suppose, Castella, we'll suppose that you're in a very swanky continental bistro. Now, you walk- Would you read that again, please? Oh, you're in a swanky continental bistro. Excuse me, continue. All right. You, you. Come on. You solder up to the bar with savoir faire and distingué. Now, how do they ever get mixed up with those characters? No. That's the way you walk. Now, you order a liqueur. The waiter walks up and slips you a pousse café. He wouldn't dare. Only, at the next table behind you, you see a beautiful girl. My assistant here will help us out by playing the part of the beautiful girl. This is Mademoiselle Zing-Zing. Zing-Zing. Zing-Zing. Zing-Zing. Zing-Zing. Zing-Zing. Zing-Zing. Zing-Zing. All right. All right. Quiet, Castella. Zing-Zing. Zing-Zing. Zing-Zing. That's the only line the guys got. You've got to have a bouncer. Now, be quiet. Now, now, Castella, after the girl walks up in a very swanier manner, you approach Mademoiselle Zing-Zing. And in perfect French, you say, pardon moi, Mademoiselle. Vouille vous promenadez et boulevard, roue-moi-moi-de-beloni, et chan-ple-zé. I say that? Of course. And what does she say? She answers you in a lovely melodious voice. Je vous ai, je vous aime, je vous adore. I'd like to meet you by the gas pipe. Allez, boum, pou-pou petite, parmi. Gee, that sounds swell. Petit mien, pou-pou, petit premier. What does that mean? Hit the road, chump. The big guy is my husband. Now, just a minute, Mellonhead. You've gone too far. What's the matter, Castella? Well, I mean, after all of it, I didn't mind it when this Mellon guy forced me to walk into a stanky, confidential biscuit. I didn't say nothing when he pushed me onto that Savoy Ferry in a distinct way. I never said a word when he had the way to shove a pushy cat's face in my hand. But when he makes me, pou-pou, petite marty between that lovely girl and her husband, he has not only impugned on my good name, but he has ca- The good earth yields, and the most precious of these is platinum. To get one single precious ounce takes 190 tons of ore. That's rather like the task of getting the right tobaccos to make camel cigarettes. The good earth in these United States yields about one billion and a half pounds of leaf tobacco each year. But only a fraction of this enormous production is good enough to rate the name camel. It's this platinum quality tobacco properly aged that gives camels their rich, full, incomparable flavor and cool mildness. Camels just wouldn't be camels if they were made of lesser tobaccos. Or if these platinum tobaccos weren't sufficiently aged. So ask for camels every time you buy cigarettes. C-A-M-E-L-S. War or peace, camels are still camels. The cigarette of costlier tobaccos. For camel fans tonight, lovely Connie Haynes introduces a brand new song. It's Freddie Martin's latest composition, and this will be the first public performance of it anywhere. We hope you will like, Hubba Hubba Hoy. Every time the lights are low And you stop to kiss me all the time A finger's touched I begin to shake so much I begin to shake so much Hello, I've made a date with Connie Haynes to meet us here. And this is not a joint. It's the Ritz, a very high class nightclub. Hey Abbott, this place is a fake. They got a sign over there over the bar that says, ladies served here. Well? Well, I went over to the bar and ordered a lady and they tore me out. Oh. Because I've met a lot of morons in my time but your head and shoulders above all of them. Abbott, you must have met a bunch of short morons. No, never mind that. Did you bring plenty of money with you? Oh yes, I did. I'm loaded Abbott. Right here in my pocket I got four bucks. All in singles. If I fold one over it'll look like five. You mean to say that you left the house with four dollars? Yeah. Aren't you afraid to carry the kind of money around with you? Well, at first you get kind of a funny feeling. You imagine everybody's looking at you. Once you get used to it, the big trick is not to try to look nervous. Four dollars. Come on. Come on, sport. Let's go in and don't forget to tip the doorman. Good evening, gentlemen. Allow me to open the door for you. Oh, thank you, Mac. Here's a dime tip for you. Costella, how can you stand there and face that doorman after giving him a dime? I'm waiting for my change. Oh. Come on. All right, Costella. There's a headway to now. If you want a good table, closer to the dance floor, you'll have to give him a big tip. Good evening, gentlemen. Would you like a table? Oh, yes, my good man. We're heavy spenders. Here's a nice tip for you. But this is a quarter. Didn't you make a mistake, sir? I guess I did. I thought it was a nickel. Give me that back. Here you are. Five pennies. This is an insult why the champion tightwad of Hollywood gave me 50 cents. Well, meet the new champion. Mr. Headwaiter, could you give us a nice ringside table? Oh, sure. Follow me. Hey, Abbott, I'm getting tired. Can't we sit down here and rest for a few minutes? Not at that table. It's reserved. Look at that sign over there. Los Angeles City Limits. Here you are, gentlemen. Here's your table. On a clear day, you can see Catalina. All right, Gustella, you sit here facing the dance floor. Okay. But I'm liable to catch coal with my back toward the ocean. Well... What was that? A greyhound bus. I wondered why they had a white line running down the middle of the table. Would you two mugs like to order some food? The roast beef is delicious. How much is it? It's $4.00 a portion, but it's lovely roast beef. It will make your mouth water. That's what we want. Roast beef? No, water. Hey, fellas, do you mind if I sit at your table? Just a minute, partner. Where are you from? I'm from Chicago. I'm from Chicago. I'm from Chicago. Chicago? Toledo. Well, why don't you take a train and go home? Well, I would, but my wife won't let me keep it in the house. Aha! There you are, Cheapskate. Oh, yeah. You can't talk to me like that. Oh, no. I'll take care of you. Oh! Oh, no! Ow! Ow! Ow! What's the idea throwing that poor guy out like that? What's the idea? Yeah? His bill was $76, and all the Cheapskate had was $75.40. Imagine! Imagine the knife of him trying to get away with a thing like that. What happened? How much is our bill? I don't know. We haven't got it yet. It's not hard. Now, you log new Costello. That's me. Here's a telegram for you. Thanks. Hey, Miss and your girl, you forgot your motorcycle. Oh, so I did. She writes bad! Hey, Abbott, here's a telegram. Look what it says. It's from Connie Haynes. What does she say? She says, Dear Mr. Costello, just arrived here at the club, and I'm on my way to your table. Expect to be there within the next hour or two. Hey, Abbott, we got to stop Connie. We can't let her come into a place like this. It would cost her a fortune. Well, here you are, gentlemen. I thought maybe you'd like to pay your check. Abbott. $83. $83. And I only got four bucks. And the other guy was only 60 cents short. Look what they did to him. Abbott, we got to do something quick. Costello, this is your party, and you'll have to get out of it the best way you can. I got an idea. You offer to pay the check and I'll give you an argument. Okay. I get you. Come on. Costello, I'll pay the check. No, no, Abbott. I couldn't think of letting you pay the check. But I insist on paying the check. You are not going to pay this check, Abbott. I'm going to pay it myself. I wish you'd let me pay it. Well, somebody better pay it. Mr. Wade, does it make any difference to you who pays the check? It don't make any difference to me. I don't care who pays the check. Okay, here, Wade, you pay it yourself. Come on, Abbott. Let's get out of here. We didn't make it. Abbott and Costello will be back for camel cigarettes in just a moment. Thanks to the Anks of the Week, tonight we salute Lieutenant Joseph W. Wright of Spokane, Washington. Just return to Halloran General Hospital as an exchange prisoner after a year in a German prison camp. This bomber pilot wears the distinguished flying cross with a no-cleaf cluster, the air metal with seven no-cleaf clusters, and the purple heart. In your honor, Lieutenant Wright, the makers of camels are sending to our fighters overseas 500,000 camel cigarettes. The two camel radio shows honors the Anks of the Week by sending free 500,000 camel cigarettes overseas. A total of a million camels sent free each week. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States twice a week, a rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are fighting, and in cooperation with a good neighbor policy also to Central and South America. Listen Monday to Bob Hawke in Thanks to the Anks, and next Thursday to Abbott and Costello with their guests, the famous Andrew Sisters. And out here, button Lou with the final word. Well, Costello, the Andrew Sisters are going to be our guests next week. Have you made any plans to entertain them? Oh, sure, Abbott. I thought I'd take them over to my house and cook up a batch of snu. What snu? Nothing much. Oh, get them out of here. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Good night. Good night, everybody. Yes, folks, be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, camels are worth asking for every time. See for yourself how Camel's mildness, coolness, and flavor click with you. Look, mister, don't put your pet pipe in the doghouse just because it bites. Give it a chance because maybe that loyal, old trusty pipe isn't a blame at all. Maybe all it needs is a happy load of Prince Albert, that smooth, swell, smokin' tobacco with all the rich, full-bodied, he-man tobacco flavor left in and the bite taken out. Yes, sir, taken out by a special no-bite treatment that makes Prince Albert as gentle to your tongue as the sound of a dove cooing to its mate. Also, Prince Albert is crimped cut, which means firm, tidy packing, easy drawing, and even burning right down to the bottom of the bowl, and a bargain say just about 50 pipefuls per package. Saturday night, be sure to listen to Prince Albert's Grand Ole Opry for nearly 19 years, bringing the real, authoritative American folk music and fun to Southern radio audiences, and now broadcast coast to coast. Remember Grand Ole Opry every Saturday night on NBC. The Abaddon Costello Show for Camel Cigarettes will be back at this very same time next week. Don't miss it. This is Ken Niles in Hollywood, wishing you all a pleasant good night. This is the National Broadcasting Company.