 The Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. Written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert Norris, Jeanine Roos, and Whitfield, Walter Sharf and his music, yours truly Bill Foreman, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Last week, Phil and Alice almost had RCA as the sponsor for their radio show. But due to Julius' interference and Frankie's mismanagement, they lost the sponsor and unwittingly signed to appear at a burlesque house. Alice's brother, William, has just heard the news and is terribly upset. Oh, my poor sister. Signing to do a bubble dance under the name of Boo Boo Faye. Alice, this is the biggest scandal it's before in the Faye family since you married Philip. Took us nine years to live that down and now this. What do you mean scandal? I'm the best thing that's happened to the Faye family since Alexander's ragtime ban. The marrying you ruined her career. It wasn't for you, she'd still be in pictures. I don't wanna be in pictures. But, sis, I could have gotten you the lead in Sunset Boulevard instead of Gloria Swanson. Yeah, yeah, I heard about that. They tell me it was a toss up between Alice and Clara Bowles. Oh, I think Alice would have gotten it in preference to Clara. Well, I don't know, she said that the Clara was... All right, boys, break it up, break it up. What are you, a couple of wise guys or something? Look, Willie, Alice ain't going into burlesque. Do you think I'd let my wife appear as a bubble dancer? What man are a man you think I am? I got her another job. She's doing a one nighter at Joe's Seller Club. And that reminds me, the boys in the band are waiting to rehearse your number, honey, so let's get on to the rehearsal hall. Gosh, Phil, I'm afraid to go into rehearsal. If the boys in the band found out about my signing a burlesque contract, I'd die a thousand deaths. Don't worry about it, don't worry about it. How would they know? Nobody knows about it except you and me and Frankie. And Frankie's the soul of discretion. Look, honey, all you got to do is act natural. They'll never know. Just give the boys a big hello. They'll never tumble. Come on. All right, fellas. All right, you can break it up now. Slow it down a little bit. Let's get this thing started, huh? Good morning, fellas. Hi, little blue. Oh, Phil, they found out. What'll I do? I'll start it. Now, just a minute, please. Now, just a minute, you guys. Who do you think you're talking to? I'll rehearse, boo-boo. What number? Hit it, fellas. Phil, this is embarrassing. They found out about me. Frankie, did you tell them? Oh, perish the thought, boo. Don't get so familiar. Use her full name, boo-boo. Frankie, there's a limit to what I'm going to take from you. Now, let me handle this, honey. Remly, who told them to play that tune? I did. You did? Look, I'm in charge here, and I won't tolerate such insuburbination. Don't forget, I'm the leader. Correction, you were the leader. You've been replaced. And may I ask who replaced me? I'm not in a position to say, but from now on, our theme song opens with a rippling guitar. Left-handed. Frankie, you do a thing like that to Phil after all the things he's done for you. It wasn't my fault, Alice. It was a choice between me and Curly, and the boys voted me in. However, I will say this for you, Curly. The vote was very close. 29 to 1. Well, at least I got one vote. Somebody was loyal to me. Who is he? I'd like to shake his hand. Your two ladies no longer with us. Sorry to see you go, Curly. Frankie, I'll pick up your drum, and I'll give you a letter to Guy Lombardo. How can I get to the bottom of this? Why don't they want me? Because you haven't got a sponsor. Does nothing as humiliating as working for a guy who ain't working? Now, wait a minute. Let me talk to these guys, huh? Fellas, why don't you want me as your leader anymore? Because you're an old man. I'll step aside and make room for the newcomers. What newcomers? Kids like Isom Jones, Paul Wakeman. All right. Look, Artie, one more crack out of you, and I'll paste your curls on again to fill Spitalney. Now, look, you guys, I'm still in charge. Now get up there and play for Alice's tune, and I want it to sound good, so don't get too close to your instruments. I don't care if the sun don't shine. I get my love in an evening time when I am with my baby. It's no fun with the sun around, but I get going when the sun goes down, and I meet my baby. That's when we kiss and kiss and kiss, and then we kiss some more. Don't ask how many times we kiss. At a time like this, do keep score, so I don't care if the sun don't shine. I'll get my love in an evening time when I'm with my baby. So I don't care if the sun don't shine. I get my love in an evening time when I'm with my baby. It's no fun with the sun around, but I get going when the sun goes down, and I meet my baby. That's when we kiss and kiss and kiss, and then we kiss some more. Don't ask how many times we kiss. At a time like this, do keep score, so I don't care if the sun don't shine. I'll get my love in an evening time when I'm with my baby. Don't ask how many times we kiss. At a time like this, do keep score, so I don't care if the sun don't shine. I'll get my love in an evening time when I'm with my baby. Don't ask how many times we kiss. At a time like this, do keep score, so I don't care if the sun don't shine. I'll get my love in an evening time when I'm with my baby. Don't ask how many times we kiss. I'll get my love in an evening time when I'm with my baby. Don't ask how many times we kiss. At a time like this, do keep score, so I don't care if the sun don't shine. I'll get my love in an evening time when I'm with my baby. Don't ask how many times we kiss. At a time like this, do keep score, so I don't care if the sun don't shine. I'll get my love in an evening time when I'm with my baby. Don't ask how many times we kiss. At a time like this, do keep score, so I don't care if the sun don't shine. I'll get my love in an evening time when I'm with my baby. Don't ask how many times we kiss. At a time like this, do keep score, so I don't care if the sun don't shine. I'll get my love in an evening time when I'm with my baby. Don't ask how many times we kiss. At a time like this, do keep score, so I don't care if the sun don't shine. I'll get my love in an evening time when I'm with my baby. Don't ask how many times we kiss. At a time like this, do keep score, so I don't care if the sun don't shine. I'll get my love in an evening time when I'm with my baby. Don't ask how many times we kiss. At a time like this, do keep score, so I don't care if the sun don't shine. Don't ask how many times we kiss. At a time like this, do keep score, so I don't care if the sun don't shine. I'll get my love in an evening time when I'm with my baby. Don't ask how many times we kiss. At a time like this, do keep score, so I don't care if the sun don't shine. I'll get my love in an evening time when I'm with my baby. Don't ask how many times we kiss. At a time like this, do keep score, so I don't care if the sun don't shine. I'll get my love in an evening time when I'm with my baby. Don't ask how many times we kiss. At a time like this, do keep score, so I don't care if the sun don't shine. I'll get my love in an evening time when I'm with my baby. Don't ask how many times we kiss. At a time like this, do keep score, so I don't care if the sun don't shine. I'll get my love in an evening time when I'm with my baby. Don't ask how many times we kiss. At a time like this, do keep score, so I don't care if the sun don't shine. I'll get my love in an evening time when I'm with my baby. Don't ask how many times we kiss. At a time like this, do keep score, so I don't care if the sun don't shine. I'll get my love in an evening time when I'm with my baby. Don't ask how many times we kiss. Talking to him is like carrying on a conversation with a pneumatic drill. Come on, let's not waste any more time. Alice, Frankie and me will go get Julius and we'll meet you at Mr. Phillips' office. Well, Remly, we're in the market. Now, let's go in and ask Julius to come down with us. No, wait a minute, Curly. You know that ordinary little kid ain't gonna go with us willingly? We'll have to force him into going to Phillips with us. Yeah, you're right. Hey, look, I got it. Let's stand at the vegetable counter and pretend we're buying something, and then when he comes to wait on it, we'll grab him, throw him in the car, and oh, we go. Curly, don't they have a wonderful display of vegetables here? Mm-hmm. These look especially delectable. Get your clammy mitts off of me, Rudolph Beggins. We're just shopping. We were gonna buy some. Well, just look at them. I just contaminated the whole stand. Hey, gosh, bring the spray gun. Our Rudolph Beggins have been felt bloody untouchable. Lovely child. Yeah, he has all the charm of a sucked lemon. Now look, Julius, we want two pounds of this stuff. Wrap it up and carry it out to the car for us. How do you like that? They come in here shoplifting, and they want me to carry their loot. I'm not shoplifting. I'm gonna pay for it. What? I've got a charge account here. I cut you off. As soon as you get a sponsor, we'll reopen negotiations. Oh, yeah. I'll get a sponsor, and if I can't get a sponsor on radio, I can always get a job on television. Are you kidding, Mac? You're too old for television. What do you mean, too old? With all them lines in your face, you look like 15 minutes of bad reception. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we wanna buy something. I'd like to purchase this burlap sack. Okay. What are you gonna put in it? You grab him, Frankie, and take him to the car. That's a goby, eh? Grab him now. Frankie's making an awful racket. What should we do? Start singing, Curly. That'll drown out anything. Possibilities, possibilities We're living in a world that's full of possibilities Ain't no miracle Too impossible to anyone that sees the possibilities If you recall your history, then you will find That all our famous men turned out to be The kind of men who never stopped to look behind They looked ahead to see what they could see And they saw possibilities Possibilities They never overlooked a single possibility Proven naturally Opportunity is for the one who sees The possibilities Each time you try to solve a new phenomenon The skeptics say it's just a dream I know But after you're a hero and the job is done Then you can tell them all I told you so Yes, there are possibilities Possibilities If you will only make the most of your facilities Folks will idolize Even eulogize the little guy who sees The possibilities Christopher Columbus proved the world was round He met Queen Isabel when he returned She said, now tell me, Chris, about this place you found He said, well, Belle, as far as I'm concerned It sure got possibilities Possibilities I tell you, Queen, I've never seen such possibilities And I really feel we should make a deal Before somebody sees the possibilities When little Abe was growing up in Illinois To be a big success was his intent He studied so much harder than the other boys Till one day he became their president He saw the possibilities Possibilities He always tried to make the most of his facilities Proven naturally Opportunity is for the one who sees The possibilities I guess by now there ain't no doubt About the point I'm bringing out So if you'll open up your eyes You are bound to recognize The possibilities Possibilities We're living in a world that's full of possibilities Ain't no miracle Too impossible to anyone who sees The possibilities Well, here we are, Remly Let's carry Julius to Mr. Phillips' office Okay, I'll let him out of the truck rack Hey, you know something? Hmm? I ain't heard a word out of that kid for ten minutes I better see if he's all right Hey, Julius! Hey, Julius, you all right in there? I'm making such a racket Hey, Curly, give me the key and I'll let him out Okay, Remly What? I lost the key Oh, you're just saying that No No Yeah, turn that exhaust off What did we call it? No, I'm on the level I've already had a blown the key somewhere Well, look, let's don't worry about it If we can't bring Julius up to Phillips We'll bring Phillips down to Julius Come on! You know, all this trouble just to get a sponsor And you got one, what have you got? A guy like we had last year, Scotty Who did nothing but getting my hair All right, Frank, wait a minute Just hold it quiet What's wrong with Scott? He hated me He told people I was an unmitigated Crook, a notorious embezzler And a gibbering idiot So he happened to be a good judge of human nature Let's hurry and get this over with Willie, I've had enough trouble for one day Hey, buddy, would you like to buy Well, if I ain't my old pal Frankie Oh, hello, Grogan Hey, Curly, you're my friend Grogan You met him last week Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah The counter-fitter who wanted to sponsor me How are you, 880? How are your $3 bills going this week? That things were to stand still I'm having a little trouble with the government They're trying to stop me Because they found out I'm making money Oh, look, Grogan They're persecuting me Because I'm underselling them Just saw heads Hey, Grog Look, the government's the only one Allowed to make money Yeah, that's just it They got a monopoly That's un-American True But there's nothing you can do about it That's what you think The government stopped me from making money So I stopped them How can you stop them? I got an injunction against them Till the case is settled The government can't print another bill Alice ain't gonna like this Of course, I ain't worried I got something else going for me in the meantime I have become a writer Wow I'm glad to hear that you're in a legitimate profession What kind of writing? I got a check forage and service If you guys are still interested in signing them With a sponsor, you know, I can help you Who can you get us? Anybody you want Just name a sponsor and I'll forge his name to the concert Now, okay, never mind that, Grogan With my talent, I can get a job on the air Without forging a... You know how to spell Phillips? I might have a little trouble with this guy at that Well, now, look, if you expect trouble Maybe I'd better go in with you I will get you a contract signed for you With this little fountain pen Gee, isn't that a cute little pen? Look, Curly, it's got a trigger on it Put that gun away! Thanks very much, Grogan But we don't need your help Come on, Remli, will you please? I like that, Harris He's my kind of guy I'm gonna help him whether he wants it or not I'll just tag along after him Hey, Curly Where do we find Phillips off? Right down the hall here Now, when we get in there, Remli Don't do no talking Oh, Phil, where have you been? I have wonderful news I've just been in the office and RCA still wants us All we have to do is sign the contract Oh, honey, that's wonderful Let's go in and sign with Mr. Phillips Oh, by the way, dear Mr. Phillips isn't here anymore There's a new man in charge And guess who it is I don't care who it is As long as he pays the money every week Let me in his office How do you do, sir? Hello, Harris Scotty! Oh, Frankie, isn't this wonderful? Our new sponsor is Mr. Scott I think I'll kill myself Gee, Mr. Scott, it's gonna be swell Working for you once more And I know you're just thrilled To have me and Frankie with you again Yes Hey, Scotty How come you're not with Rexall anymore? They let me go Some malicious individual Wrote a letter to the board of directors Blackening my character The letter said I was an unmitigated crook A notorious embezzler A jibbering idiot And a wife-beater Oh, it must have been written by some strange crank I don't know Sounds more to me like it was written by somebody you know them What was that? Oh, no, he means it looks like It was an inside job, Mr. Scott Otherwise, how would they know you beat your wife? I don't beat my wife I don't! I don't! I don't! All right, you don't I just took a wild stab at that one anyway So you're the one I ought to take you in I ought to... Now, take it easy, Scotty Well, I ought to... Frankie, Frankie was only kidding Hey! Look, Mr. Scott, please now Remli's always playing harmless little jolts And pranks like that He's just a mischievous imp So was Jack the Ripper Oh, well, the company wants you people signed up So I guess I'll have to do it Sign here, Harris Then I'll sign And, Mr. Scott, I assure you Phil and Frankie won't do anything to embarrass you Or my name ain't Boo-Boo Faye I mean Alice Faye Boo-Boo? What was that? Oh, nothing, nothing at all Don't mean a thing No, that's just a name she uses in burlesque Lanky signed a contract Lanky! Did you... Did you sign a burlesque contract? Well, Mr. Scott, yes, but you see I... You can't do this to me I've just signed you to do a radio show And now you tell me you're in burlesque Oh, what did I do to deserve these characters? Every time I get a good job They come along and louse it up Scotty Alice had no intention To go and... You keep out of this I'm not going to let you do this to me I am not going to sign this contract You're not gonna do what? That's all I said I am not gonna... Watch this This is my gun mall Look, Rob, I told you that we don't need you Quiet, Harris This is between me and Blubberpus Pick up that pen and sign the contract I will not I'll give you an alternative Either you use your park of 51 Or I use my Colt 45 Sounds like a sporting choice to me Put that gun down I don't have to get a sponsor at the point of a gun I got lots of sponsors after me Like who? Well, there's a... Well, there's also... Keep him covered, Grogan You can't force Mr. Scott to sign us Keep on it, Miss Blondie Now, sign That's all All right, Harris You've got me with this road company Humphrey Bogart Here's your signed contract I like your cooperative attitude Mr. Scott, now that it's all set We're back on the air for our CA Very well We'll sponsor you But if you dare to mention our good name on your show Even one We'll sue you for everything you've got Well, you mean we'll have a sponsored show But we won't be allowed to do any commercials Oh, that isn't cricket Oh, that isn't cricket Frankie Do you think people will listen to a program without commercials? Let's try it for a while and see It's liable to start a fad Who knows, it might even bring back radio Folks, Los Angeles starts rolling tonight The Legion is here And we want to add our welcome As this city greets the great 32nd annual National Convention of the American Legion A big hello to National Commander George N. Craig And Mrs. Craig Coming up, tales of the Texas Rangers Then theater guild on NBC