 the halls of ivy starring mr. and mrs. ronald colman this is ronald colman venita colman inviting you to join us again on the campus of ivy college is in the town of ivy usa at the residence of dr. wedham todd hunter hall president of ivy and his wife victoria is always open house the keeping of which is a minor miracle through circumstances beyond their control the halls lost their housekeeper penny last year so now it's with great relief that they have at last found a replacement the highly recommended and notably efficient miss louisa tate toddy the house is spotless everything is where it should be i can't find a thing it's all very confusing yes i know i anticipated the dangers of immaculate order so i left a large clearly lettered sign on my desk do not touch that she didn't and for one so painstaking and sorrow it must have required the greatest restraint it did i was in here when she was dusting she looked up at me and smiled knowingly and said well everybody's different or is the first thing you notice about our mistake is that she speaks in confounding but crisp crypticisms now is that again let it go darling i wouldn't dare try it again but the fact remains a mistake does have a remarkable sense of verbal economy she's like a squirrel storing up her words for a long winter her brain works so fast that tongue is given up trying to catch it she passed me in the hall yesterday and said the ink spots won't come out and left well i thought at first she was trying to book a radio singing acting to some local club and i realized the cleaner had brought back my dress it's really very flattering i suppose vicki she just assumes that we know what she's thinking which is going to be a constant challenge to our telepathic powers maybe she has ivy confused with duke university that where the study of extrasensory perception is i'm told um i'll get it vicki why why well the front door is just oh of course i forgot we have missed date now that's good now i can get to work uh professor under hill of the chemistry department wants my opinion on another article he's written for the pedagogical journal this one has an exciting title it's called synthesis and reactions of substituted cyclonexinones oh yes i i can't wait to get my teeth into it uh i wonder who that is at the door the easiest way to find out is to ask miss tate oh miss tate would you come in here please probably nothing important but one likes to know that's all yes miss is all miss tate who was that at the front door eggs after all what's the back door for that all miss is all but yeah yes i can't think of anything else if you'll excuse me of course most people like and tucked in hope your curiosity is satisfied now god like them tucked in i wonder if that was a deliberate ellipsis a simple dislocation or a calculated circumlocution yeah you're not making any more sense than she did you have a vicki how do you tuck in an egg i forgot that part you don't i told her this morning when she was making your bed that you didn't like your covers tucked in at the bottom well she made no comment at the time but apparently it's still on her mind i don't know no i think it's a kind of verbal shorthand oh eggs that must have been calhoun gaddy who was delivering them and if eggs mean calhoun then the back door obviously means that she told him to use the tradesman's entrance in the future oh dear we'll have to explain to calhoun well we'll have to explain to miss tape that he's a friend of ours and even if he weren't the back door in this house is used primarily for egress and if i may digress since i still haven't oiled the hinges it's a squeaky egress squeaky egress i haven't thought of him in years vicki you could not have known i did though i've of course his real name was alistair megress but he was in a show with me and we all called him squeaky and you don't believe me do you my darling to love is to believe to believe is to is to what i'll table that for the moment and girt my mental loins so that i can decode miss tape's cryptic report on our next visit yes excuse me dr hall now he says he's a student what he is with that accent quote error demonstrandum i beg your pardon i uh i made a proposition to my wife miss tape and you have just demonstrated the proof of it his name is calhoun gaddy but the eggs but he is a student miss tape he's been delivering eggs to our door ever since he entered ivy as a freshman last semester well he has an open face and every door in our home is always open to him and the windows if necessary very well that tall must be almost 40 i'll show him in no never mind calhoun come in come in oh howdy dog miss hall i i just come visiting well about time yes i was here a little bit ago miss hall but that new cleaning lady you got touching me for a stranger paddling she swole up like a toad in a horse drag so i just went away and put on my other hat and come back social this time our mistake apparently functions on a simple association of ideas with her eggs were inseparable from back doors i hope you won't offend it oh i don't mind doc what down sabooka you mostly can't tell the difference between front and back anyhow depends on where the shade is and where the pigs ain't to notice where the past wore down the heart new calhoun is she still adjusting herself oh she seems real nice miss all she don't talk much but uh sometimes from her eyes i did receive fair speechless messages if you don't mind my leaning on shakespeare's early in the morning i had good good calhoun much into venice an excellent description of miss date but um uh how about this one she speaks yet she says nothing what of that her eye discourses i will answer oh a heart from you and julia and we thought her eyes had lost her tongue twelfth night act two scene two oh calhoun i'm sure you're the only man alive who delivers shakespeare with his eggs well what have you been doing with yourself calhoun we haven't had much chance to talk lately i missed it too doc but i've been busy in a fasty flea working his way through a dog show i found out what that buzzing in my head was about doc my budget was unbalanced i'm sorry to hear that i assumed that your egg root was taking care of the present requirement all my hands is doing all right by me but like my uncle ish and always says it's a mighty poor bee that don't make more honey than he needs himself oh yes for your anguish was probably thinking of his hot biscuits when he said it hot biscuits notwithstanding we're poor indeed if we don't try to do more than just subsist it's the surplus the honey which sweetens our lives a bee is a wise insect it knows that being in clover is a means and not an end oh that's right and doc when you've got a pretty wife like my glory who shouldn't be satisfied with just nothing and singing and five little bitty old tadpoles that are just itching to be jumping frogs any day you need plenty of honey oh yeah in your case honey is money yes ma'am this all that's putting it plain that's how come i started on my new project new project yes or see down the way is just a hoop and a hauler from my boat house there was this piece of land it was just doing nothing just wasting away oh Calhoun don't tell me that with everything else you're doing you started a farm oh i got help miss all it started out to be just a patch for garden sass but then some of the fellas in my class come out to watch me now we got us a kind of a farm combine everybody working and everybody sharing to help pay the way through ivy i like to work the growing thing whether it's kids or corn oh you've got company and i've got a class you'll come again soon won't you oh you might have kind docking like that man thorough said i wouldn't talk so much about myself if there was anybody else i knew as well but he's got such an excited face excited face oh yes that will be mr wellman is he a student too don't you have any young ones i should have explained to you about mr wellman mistake please have him come in yes dr hall well i better hide till and on out of here bye for goodbye i might have no keeping me waiting and my business what was my business dr hall who is that that woman that mr wellman is a mistake a mistake i should think so i mean leaving my tools in the hall i mean good morning mrs heal i have the time to look at scenery i think to see you dr hall because i i wanted to tell you a matter of utmost urgency an issue which must be met with this batch a chairman of the board of governors i feel that what particular issue mr wellman do you feel that naturally they are the what was caddy doing here dr hall i suppose he came to tell you all about that student back from the farm movement he's raising potatoes on ivy property i warned you about gary i warned you hens and eggs and who knows what next probably pigs pigs dr hall ignore your voice mr wellman with the price of bacon these days we speak of that animal only river and stones have you seen any pig stars on mr caddy's new farming venture mr wellman i don't have to i've seen students in blue jeans next thing they'll be taking their shoes off like peasants raising grapes and trampling out dr hall this has got to be nipped in the bud i'm afraid you'll have to wait till spring for that mr wellman nothing's budded yet do i have to remind you that permission for such mutilation of ivy property would have to be granted by the board of governors no you don't have to remind me mr wellman and now i know how busy you are what was it you came to see me about this morning this morning this morning well uh it's not funny yet no it isn't funny it wouldn't have been important and after all seeing gary here no no no wondering what was it i think to see you about dr hall oh i'm afraid i can't help you there mr wellman why not what's the matter what you let me i usually take my business the minute i come in but mr wellman just don't you forget gary because i won't well goodbye goodbye mrs hall goodbye mr wellman well what did i come here for it must have been no it wasn't waiting mr wellman the last of memory whatever it was he came for calhoun gady has now taken priority over it in his mind and unfortunately in this matter mr wellman is right calhoun's project is on university property that may cause complication yes you have to get the approval of the board of governors and i'm afraid that might be difficult they're conscientious custodians and even if he does get it he and his friends won't be able to operate their project and make any profit out of it not as a private venture all that energy and enterprise for nothing poor calhoun no honey and no money well maybe he can help you to soften mr wellman's heart he's used to working in frozen ground south america is bringing you this rebroadcast presentation of the hall surviving starring mr and mrs ronald colman where dr hall has just come home after making an inspection tour of calhoun gady's new agricultural development oh it's you dr hall you'll find a list of phone calls on your desk thank you mr they're all from mr wellman oh there you are william hello darling that didn't take too long he called four times dr hall he said he remembered and you would know what he meant by that well i don't but thank you mr yes dr hall maybe i'm wrong but seems to me that if you don't the blanket shall slip off the covers on her mind taughty it couldn't you change the habits of a lifetime before she develops a dangerous obsession so one man's monomania is another man's mere preoccupation what do you call it when it's a woman if it's a beautiful woman i call it victoria well thank you now come on tell me what you found out i'm getting giddy wondering about gary well i i located calhoun's project but it's not on ivy property well good that he's out of the woods mr wellman can't touch him calhoun has cleared the woods but in legal parlance he's committed a trespass which means that the owner of the property can evict him and confiscate his crops when they're ready for harvest leaving calhoun and his energetic friends with only their callous hands to show for all of us they've done oh he's really caught in a net isn't he thank you darling what for net i've been looking for weeks for an opportunity to quote samuel johnson's definition of a net anything reticulated or decusseted at equal distances with interstices between the intersections work that into your homecoming speech yes on my way coming home today i stopped at the ivy title company and they're instituting a title search for for your homecoming speech i'll bet you can think of better titles than they can i i didn't mean that we we've got to find out who owns the land that calhoun's farming oh and try to forestall any further complications he started the kind of cooperative activity that i'd like to encourage well i think it's wonderful if you have to work your way through college this sounds like a nice healthy way to do it after talking with some of his confederates i realized that calhoun has been planting seeds in mines as well as the soil and good fertile seeds too shakespeare of emerson thorough yes his farm has become a kind of walden a retreat for young men and women who want to put their hands in the earth after having their heads in the clouds for so many hours well the camp has said a tractor is much more sensible than a hot rod and it's just as nice and noisy i mean after all excuse me darling hello dr hall speaking oh yes mr tuttle yes did you uh did you find out who has title to that property what oh yes well well thank you very much goodbye mr tuttle mr tuttle yes darling that was mr tuttle of the titl company i mean the title very confusing he should either take a position with a gas company or change his name to magillica for the blood which is momentary drain from your phase and has now happily returned i gather it was bad news well who owns the property the who is bad news oh no it's not possible mr wellman the impossible mr wellman vicki all we can do for calhoun now is cushion the shock he's going out to look over my project how to put a clean shirt on my scarecrow up to now he's been uh strictly for the birds it was an unexpected expedition calhoun it it suddenly became necessary for me to determine the exact location of your enterprise oh sounds like it's a storm blowing up yes a one-man hurricane well mr wellman was concerned with what he described as a a mutilation of ivy property oh for crying in the clapper i didn't know it was on ivy da well it isn't on ivy it's on private property true you've improved it considerably but i don't know whether that'll make any difference to mr wellman however i've asked him to come here this afternoon in the hope that we can solve this problem amably well i never noticed anything himmiful about him da he's got a disposition at curdle mill onry is a bore shot and a bob war fan to misquote that radio commentator calhoun there's bad news tonight that property is owned by mr wellman himself wow now i know what a potato bug feels like when he's just been sprayed oh you see calhoun this is not a university issue and i have no official reason to intervene but as an acquaintance of the plaintiff and a friend of the defendant i felt that we might reach a settlement out of gawk so to speak and uh that will be mr wellman that's too bad he doesn't have a branch office in our front porch or does he miss kate has been alerted she's at her battle station down home this is where you lie down for the storm seller there's a twister count it wasn't necessary for you to call me to tell me to come here dr hall because i called you to tell you that i was going to come here because i remembered what i came for this morning and forgot what i got here good afternoon this is all good after you gary again as he thought we're asked him mr wellman and don't think you're going to get away with it gary it's just as well you are here so dr hall can hear what i have to say to you well that was the purpose of this meeting mr wellman i felt that if we could sit down and discuss the matter there's nothing to discuss it's disgusting i tell you gary i will not stand for i will not be a party do i will not permit you to death desecrate ivy but mr wellman that is exactly what doctor hall are you in favor of plio prowing ivy college under uh mr wellman do you really know what you're talking about what have you seen this project of calhoun no and i don't have to i know all about it vegetables everywhere as far as the eye can see it has no place on ivy obviously you you don't know all about it mr wellman it is not on ivy property nothing to do it isn't but i just think i was told of course it's on it must be on where is it doctor hall it's on your property mr wellman in that case what on my property yes near the boat house calhoun's done a remarkable job of improving it mr wellman you wouldn't recognize it without with all of those rocks cleared away that worthless piece of property 10 years taxes well i couldn't give it away my property yes and now that it's been plowed and ready for planting why it might start paying for itself yes yes yes you don't have to tell me about farms uh mr gady i'm still here mr wellman well mr gady i think we too might make some kind of arrangement well now mr wellman i have never been a tenant farmer yet i've seen too much sharecropping to care about it i don't know wait wait mr gady i am a great believer in cooperative enterprise and i feel a bit but no need to bother dr hall but it's now after all it's a private matter oh mr wellman i'm delighted that you approve of what calhoun and his friends are doing but i still have certain misgivings forget some dr hall everything's taken care of have you considered the fact that calhoun and his fellow farmers will only be with us for three more years yes and then there's a prospect of your land becoming a tax burden to you again so it has occurred to us that if the wellman gady farm combine is successful perhaps it can best be perpetuated by by deeding the profiteer to ivy college as an experimental agricultural station dr hall are you suggesting that i know i i just want you to think about it i don't have to think about it i can say yes as loud as any man yes dr hall i agree with you a magnificent idea i was just about to think of it myself mr wellman do you know what you're saying surprise you didn't i but i say no just invincible well at the at the board of governors meeting yesterday when i proposed an increase of research assistance in the physics department you did say no on principle that's what you said mr wellman of course i said it and that's just what i came to tell you this morning and this afternoon and thank you for reminding me i changed my mind about the research assistance that's well but that's twice in one day mr wellman i know i'm having a complete checkup with my doctor in the morning myself these days well and they don't thank me dr hall i'm just as pleased about all this as you are well goodbye mrs hall you're looking well you coming uh tell what's the prettiest picture i ever saw of a man trying to scratch his ear with his elbow he didn't even slam the door pigmalion made over gallatier and spengali cast his spell on trilby and you look what you did to mr wellman oh not me vicki taxes no no it wasn't even that's no mr wellman too often conceals his virtue in his anxiety to prove it he loves ivy as much as any other i know he does what you must admit he has the oddest ways of showing it yes the trouble is that with him resisting change is a reflex action he'll maintain a position even when he knows it's no longer valid being tradition bound is more serious than being muscle bound and when you you know vicki perhaps mistake is right about what perhaps they should be tucked in it's not defeat to admit you're wrong why vicki if mr wellman can haul down his flag the least i can do is to tuck in my covers