 Can we acknowledge that we live in a rather dysfunctional world when it comes to love? I think one of the challenges we have to address today is that we are living in a world of human beings who struggle to actually love from their heart. And I think it's because we have a mental health crisis that isn't addressed. And what I mean by mental health crisis, I mean an emotional mental health crisis, because many of us have experienced childhood wounds and traumas that's made it very difficult for us to actually lean into love. And today I want to share some personal experiences, especially because this is a very tough day for me, which I'll share in a moment. So let me go back to why is it so challenging to love these days? And I mentioned earlier about childhood wounds and traumas. So I want to tell you a little story about my childhood. In particular, it was raised by two immigrant parents who struggled to actually conform to society. And that bled over into my upbringing, even though I was brought up here in the United States. And I had two loving parents, two very good parents, and yet they had their challenges. And as children, my brother and sister experienced their challenges. In other words, we witnessed their challenges between the two of them. And that certainly made it difficult for us to understand as children what was going on between the two of them. In addition, sadly, my mother had a, and I'm going to say a condition, of giving love to myself, my siblings, and then taking it away. She'd literally give love and take it away and give love and take it away and give love and take it away. And what I mean, she could be so loving and then she could be so cruel in the sense that she would withdraw. She would stonewall for days on end. And as a child, it was very confusing to me and I say this, I didn't understand this as a child. I've been looking back in my life and seeing how the progression of who I am as a person is a direct result of both my parents growing up. And so I had a very emotionally dysfunctional childhood, not from an intentional place for my mother, from an unconscious place of the way she gave love and took it away and gave love and took it away and gave love and took it away. And why I'm sharing this with you is I didn't understand mental health as a child. I didn't understand mental health. I'm going to reframe this. I didn't understand emotional health as a child. I didn't understand emotional health as an adult, my early stage of adult. It wasn't until I began a practice of doing personal development, self-help and spiritual work. So why is this relevant to this topic about men and their capacity to actually love? What does it take for a man to truly love? Well, I'm here to say this is a human condition, not relegated to men or just women. This is a human condition that we experience. And what I mean by human condition is most of us have been raised in some sort of dysfunctionality when it comes to love. Some of that dysfunctionality can be an anxious attachment style. Some of the dysfunctionality can be an avoidant attachment style. Some of the dysfunctionality could be something known as the amago, which means we choose people much like our parents. And their dysfunctionality is a way to heal our own dysfunctionality. And I use the term dysfunctionality in a broad sense, not in this grandiose sense, but in just a broad sense of it's not, you know, we live in a chaotic world here today, at least here in the United States. We live in this chaos of red and blue and Democrats and Republicans and a lot of internal noise going on because, you know, and we're all human being searching for a little bit of taste of love. So why is this relevant today? Because many of you know, I'm in a significant relationship right now, which I'm very happy. And yet I'm also witnessing my own dysfunctionality. And what I mean to say is, here's this beautiful woman that is giving me love and I and I and I'm receiving it, receiving it. All of a sudden I get scared because I was grown up, I was raised by a mother who would pull it away as soon as she gave it. And I'm witnessing my own withdrawal from that because I can't trust love. I shouldn't say I can't trust love, but it's it I was conditioned not to trust love. And many of you are probably have experienced the same thing, or many of you are in relationship with men who've experienced the same thing. And so what I'm going to lean in today is something much more profound for me that relates to this topic of what somebody needs for them, their capacity to love. And this isn't what I'm sharing isn't going to be an absolute across the board. As I said a moment ago, these are just some ideas of what might be happening to human beings in general. So today is the fourth anniversary of the loss of my son Connor. Here's a picture of him right there. In fact, I'm wearing the t shirt he's wearing in this photograph to honor him. And I share this with you all because when my son passed away, it broke my heart open. And what I mean by broke my heart open, it it it caused me to come down to my knees and say what's really important in life. And what's important are the people around us what's important are those that we love what's important is our own divinity and our own love. And why I'm sharing this with you is that weeks after he passed away, I began a soul searching journey of what does it mean to really love. And that inspired me and I'm sharing my book merely to illustrate by the way there's a link below to get a copy of my book is it allow me to explore the journey I had years before Connor passed away. The journey of personal development, self help and spiritual work. And why I'm sharing this with you is as I look at the pieces of the puzzle before he passed away. I did so much inner work. I went to places like the Hoffman Institute and insights him actually although let me retract that I did that after he passed away. But my point is now come back I did a lot of work before he passed away as a vaccination to emotional chaos which allowed me to actually be in a space of love when he passed away. Instead of suffering, I chose to grieve with love instead of suffering. And why is that important to know it's because folks, if human beings don't start addressing the emotional health issues that they're dealing with, it's going to make it difficult for them to lean into love and look at the dysfunctionality I had in my child. And I invite you to look at the dysfunctionality you might have had in your own childhood. This is why I continually recommend the book the Hoffman process the Hoffman process. It's a deep dive into healing those childhood wounds and traumas so you can actually start opening your heart up to love. And I'm saying this about men as well. This isn't across the board that everybody some people have had true significant trauma in their childhood which is going to make it incredibly difficult for them to open their hearts to love. And some had some garden variety childhood traumas like myself and some probably lived an idyllic life and they've had an easier time of attracting love in their lives. The reality is is most of us are dealing with an emotional mental emotional health issue that puts most humans in a capacity of dysfunctionality. This is why if you follow my work I talk about the users the spenders and the growers and the vast majority of humans are the spenders meaning they want to connect they want companionship they want sex what's missing in their life is that capacity to go deeper. So why is this so important? It's because folks I truly believe it takes a woman to open a man's heart up to love it takes a woman to be expressive of her feelings it takes a woman just to to be the emotional container of the relationship. And yet so many of you are stifled when it comes to speaking up to men for fear that they're going to to leave you to run away merely by opening up your heart if many of you have a fear that they're going to run away and I get it look at throughout history women have been dependent upon men for survival and we are in brand new territory right now and thankfully you're in a capacity we're not dependent upon men which means you are in a position to be empowered in the relationship instead of being dependent on somebody else for your happiness. So for the next few minutes I'm going to lean into what I recommend for all of you to practice going forward when it comes to men and that is practice what I call radical honesty. Now I've been sharing this for a very long time to you all talking about radical honesty and radical honesty is laying your cards on the table early on in the dating process. I mean really lay your cards on the table if two people like each other if you truly listen men are biologically driven to hunt what they're biologically driven to hunt is sex okay so when a man I know you guys all love the idea of being claimed by a man which is which is good to be to be desired and wanted by a man but you have to differentiate between the men who are looking to just get laid versus those who are ready for a relationship and I'm here to say it's going to take some pre-qualifying by you it's one of the reasons why I created a private coaching program my whole coaching program is designed to help you vet to see if he's ready for a fully committed relationship versus if he's in that spender or dysfunctional or that dysfunctional or clinical capacity where he's not going to be able to open up his heart to love so check out the link to a free discovery call with me in the description below because I can help you in that capacity plus my program is wonderful I mean the minute women invest in the program all of a sudden it's raining great guys they get calls me they call me up all the time Jonathan I met a great guy Jonathan I met a great guy Jonathan I met a great guy and they know the difference because they learn how to ask better questions based on their own personality because it's critically important to ask really deep quite if two people like each other if you know what guy likes you first you have to determine is he in it for the sex or is he in it for something deeper that doesn't take too much to find that out again I can help you with that but now you really want to ask the deeper questions to see if you're aligned with each other to see if you're on the same page I shared with you about my my relationship I mean we laid the cards on the table it's kind of the benefit of long distance we had this opportunity to accelerate the process and what happened is is we laid more cards on the table about who we are in our past and we are sharing a lot of the deep wounded pain we experienced in the past my beloved poor thing she she really she had two immigrant parents as well and they did their best to love and at the same time they were ridiculously dysfunctional and she did something when she was 18 19 years old called life spring for me it took much longer it took me after losing Connor to say I've got a you know I want to love because I don't want to I don't want to have a closed heart and that's why I did the Hoffman process and insight seminars and warrior weekend and all these different things and I invite you all to do the same for yourself first because I have a meme I want to read to you all like I just came across this it says love is not something you go out and look for love finds you and when it does ready or not it'll be the best thing you ever ever happen to you you folks I'm here to say my new relationship found me and and to some degree I found her because of the work we did ahead of time and so what do men need they need their heart to be broken wide open for them to really have the capacity to love yes many men have a capacity to be good protectors and providers that's what we were conditioned to do to be protector and providers in relationship but I'm here to say that's something much deeper because men have a capacity to do that piece and if you're not familiar with the five love languages I invite you to read the book by Gary Chapman called the five love languages most men's love languages acts of service that's how they demonstrate love but if you really want to go deeper with a man then I invite you to start asking deeper questions early on in the dating process many of you know I talk about this book eight dates by doctors John and Julie Godman and I always recommend before you guys have sex to read chapter one it's all about commitment in these conversations you can actually determine his capacity to truly fully love and there are men out there so capable of loving at a deeper level I want you to know it exists ladies you are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment how are you going to know if he's going to want to fully commit you got to test him you have to test him you have to test his fortitude you have to test his intentionality this is why I'm also going to share with you right now my dating vows and this is what I recommend doing this is what basically my girlfriend and I did very early on in this process I mean literally happened by the third time we were together and the dating vows are simply say this you both say this to each other I agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious in the next three to six months I agree to be monogamous sexually while we're having regular sex together I agree to not actively seek to meet and date others while we're in the dating process which includes taking down my dating profile I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus pulling away ghosting or disappearing and lastly I agreed to invest regular time in the process of getting to know you which looks like social activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends doing the mundane things intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy listen I understand that dating triggers the number one emotional health issue and that emotional health issue is I'm not good enough I'm not lovable and I'm not likable this is true for men and women alike and the way we break free from that is do the inner work and we are in thankfully the younger generation is getting the benefit of this because they have dysfunctional parents most likely have gone through divorce and they're witnessing therapy I have a dear friend who's in a relationship with a man and he's had a therapist for the last 20 years of his life someone he can go talk to about his inner world it's wonderful to see that there are more human beings than ever before actually loving on themselves here's my coffee mug says go love yourself because when we have a capacity to truly brace embrace our inner heart do we have the capacity to love deeper is this sinking in is this resonating so first off ladies I invite you to become empowered first it's one of the reasons why I keep recommending the book why men love bitches and bitch simply stands for babe in total control of herself yes and then go out there in the world to meet people and I listen I know online dating sucks it really does suck I've gone on what feels like 500 dates from online I'm not sure if that's the exact number my beloved found me online she found me on match.com she wrote me first ladies you can take the initiative too it doesn't matter who starts the process what matters most is you connect together and then connect at a heart-centered level and if you want to talk to me I'm willing to share with you privately if you work with me I'll share with you what we did my beloved and I to get to this place of radical honesty to lay our cards on the table because that's my invitation for all of you and that's your listen I'm not saying this is the only way of doing it I'm just suggesting this is a way of doing it and I don't think I've been I don't think I've ever experienced love life I experienced with this person and folks yes part of it is timing part of it's the right person all these things and most important it's about finding the right person within yourself and while I shared before this is the passing of Connor third and or fourth anniversary of Connor's passing I'm grateful to some degree that he helped me open my heart up to love and I hope this message today has done the same for you I'd certainly like to hear your thoughts on this please post a comment below again in the description check out as a discovery call with me check out my group called midlife love mastery follow me on instagram my book recommendations and certainly my book what the heck is self love anyway is there as well if I if I've made a difference in your life please let me know please post a comment all right I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic job the barrack of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love I'm going to ask you to turn to a friend a pet a teddy bear pillow and give enter them a hug of love I'm going to give Connor a hug of love as well there he is we're swearing the same shirt thank you so much for allowing me to share with you today wishing you all a super duper wonderful fantastic day bye bye now