 Men of the gas, you are the brakes, you are the emotional container of the relationship. And by setting your standards right from the get-go, and I have to tell you, I have so many women now using this, they're using this book before they have sex, and it's working wonders. I'm getting email after email after email. Not to mention all the, all right, we're going to talk about those five signs a man is thinking about you, and he wants something serious. You know, it's interesting. I've been thinking about something a lot today, and I'm wondering if you're experiencing this, if you're a woman experiencing this, and that is men who tend to come on strong. They seem to promise the world very early on in the dating process. I mean, and a lot of this is done on the telephone to begin the process. And then when you physically meet one another, and there's just this intense connection between the two of you and a man might, like I said, promise the world makes so many promises of, you know, seeing you in your future, telling you that you're unlike anyone else in their life. And after a little while, you might begin to believe this. And if this happens enough time, or let me, well, let me come back to this particular situation. And then all of a sudden, you two are physically intimate with one another. And then when he's, you know, you could have spent a weekend together because it's a long distance dynamic or it could have been something even close by. And then you notice that he starts to pull back. He starts to pull away. And I'm noticing this. I'm noticing this a lot from the women who are reaching out to me for advice for my private coaching and whatnot. And I and they've been told that the advice that women have been told by other women is to do the no contact rule by not contacting him when he pulls away to create some tension so he misses you. Now, I understand why that might be the case, you know, this idea of no contact. But I want you to think about something. He's just done no contact to you. How does that feel? How does that feel when you, someone that you thought you could potentially share a life with someone you thought that you were actually getting to know one another? You really thought this was building something together. And then all of a sudden, their contact begins to diminish. And what you're being told is to do the exact same thing. And I can understand why you're being told to do that. Now, part of the problem with that narrative of being told to do that is that this idea that he's going to all of a sudden magically miss you. He's like, he's just going to magically miss you. And what you have to recognize is that the reason why this happened and why this doesn't actually work in the long run. I'm going to share with you in a second. The reason why he came on strong. And I know you've been told over and over again, this is love bombing. And it's part of a narcissistic plan to hook you. OK. And yet the average guy can do the exact same thing. Because what's happening to men is that when we feel extreme infatuation for someone, that's actually known as limerence, limerence. In other words, it's extreme infatuation. And this happens when the chemical cocktail of chemistry, physical attraction mixes together and a lot of chemicals get released from the brain into the body that says, get this girl, get this girl. Or excuse me, get this woman, get this woman, get this woman. I mean, literally that's what's happening. And then the minute there's any sexual tension involved, that actually turns the limerence to lust, which means that we have to physically conquer you. This is why I know when you've heard this narrative over and over that men are the hunters and they're supposed to chase you. Do you think men are actually thinking like this? I'm chasing a relationship. I'm hunting a relationship. Do you think men actually think along those lines? No, it's because what's being hunted or chased in that moment is that physical conquest. And what happens is when that physical conquest happens, all of a sudden the chemicals literally get flushed out of our body like we just took a shit in the bathroom. Bum, bum, bum. I know that sounded graphic. I know that sounded gross. And yet that's literally what happens is literally there's an excavation. I'm trying to think of the word when you flush something. Someone tell me what that is. But literally all those chemicals are released. And what's left is the deer in the headlight because all of a sudden he's going, oh my god, I made subconsciously. This is happening on the inside. Oh my god, I made all these promises to this woman. Now I have to retreat. So the pendulum went all the way this way. And what he's doing is he's got to bring the pendulum over here just so he can get back to center. And you're being told to do the exact same thing. And by the way, you're also being told just go live your fabulous life because if you're living your fabulous life, he's going to want to claim you again. Do you know why this narrative doesn't work in the long run? And that's why the book The Rules is a piece of crap that suggests to women to use game playing techniques like playing hard to get. All that does is get the emotionally unhealthy person to come back. And what causes a man to vomit all of this in the beginning is an emotionally unhealthy person is chasing what he's not even sure what he's chasing. He's just feeling that chemical reaction because he doesn't actually have a real sense of how his emotions operate. So this whole no contact rule isn't going to work. And I want to invite you to look at this from a different perspective because this is what's going to make a relationship work in the long run. That's what I'm about to share. And that is actually when there's two people that are at least marginally attractive to one another. In other words, and I say marginally, in other words, it's more than 50%, but it's not like through the roof attracted to one another. You're fair. OK, I said marginally, fairly attracted to one another. This is the time to build the friendship along with the physical connection. What I mean by physical connection is holding hands and kissing one another and being affectionate with one another. It's touching one another, but not going down the sexual path. Because what's going to make him really hooked into you, so you never have to worry about using this no contact rule because it doesn't work anyway, is to actually build the friendship with each other to build the friendship with each other. And how is that going to happen? It's going to happen through social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends. And then when you've gotten to know each other pretty well, then you go on a trip together to see how you might handle some of the conflicts that can happen in a trip. But Jonathan, I'm in a long distance relationship, but I can't do that. Yeah, it's really hard to build that friendship over the phone because all it is is a chemical reaction happening over the phone and not an actual bonding action. So for a relationship to actually build some deep roots of trust. First off, right off the bat, you're going to need about 100 hours of face-to-face time together just to build that first layer of trust. And I don't mean a 24 hours, three days in a row, 24 hours, that doesn't count. I'm talking about in bits and pieces at the max 10 hours in any given day, but probably somewhere between two and six. And do this over a period of time. Even Steve Harvey, who wrote the book, act like a lady, thinks like a man, suggests to women waiting 90 days to be physically intimate with one another. I'm saying put in at least eight hour, or excuse me, 100 hours of face-to-face time or what you can do is read the book, eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman before that penis ever gets to go inside that vagina because that's going to determine if the guy is really genuinely serious about something or he's in it for the short run. Because ultimately, if you wanna build that kind of relationship where you don't have to worry about no contact or anything, then you're gonna have to build it from the roots. And folks, men aren't thinking about this. They're not. Men of the gas, you are the breaks. You are the emotional container of the relationship. And by setting your standards right from the get-go, and I have to tell you, I have so many women now using this. They're using this book before they have sex and it's working wonders. I'm getting email after email after email, not to mention all the clients I've been calling me lately. I mean, I've had one marriage, two engagements and four, five now, just in the last three weeks of clients who've told me they're in a fully committed relationship. By the way, there's a link below that's a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. So if you wanna change the narrative, then recognize that building trust through friendship and trust means I care about your feelings as, excuse me, he cares about your feelings as much as you care about your feelings and he has your back. That's what's going to take the relationship to the next level when you build that level of trust. And if you haven't built trust before sex, you have a good chance of having it implode. Because ultimately, what's gonna make a man think about you a lot and want a serious relationship is first establishing that commitment of friendship, that building of friendship together. Friendship is that space where you feel like you can talk to this person. You can, so I'm gonna share those five things that makes it, that gives you some insight as to whether a man is thinking about you and wants something serious. Because I know you've all been waiting for that. So I'm gonna put on my trusty glasses and I've got my notes. And really quickly, number one, and this happens very early on in the stage, he's vulnerable, he's authentic and most important, he's transparent. Vulnerable means he's capable of expressing fear to you or insecurities or doubts. I know, maybe not on the first, second or third date, but even someone who has a little bit of fear is actually vulnerability according to Brene Brown is the most courageous thing a person can do, man or woman alike. Because that's your truth if you're feeling a little bit vulnerable at any point in the relationship. Being authentic means that your actions consistently match your words. You're in a state of integrity. You're operating from the place, oh, I didn't pull up the five, the four agreements. If you're not familiar with the book Four Agreements, check out the link below to all the Jonathan recommend books. The Four Agreements, because that's not what an authentic person does. And lastly, transparency. And transparency simply means if it's material to the relationship, you're gonna speak up about what's coming up if it's material to the relationship. That demonstrate that he's thinking about you actually and he wants something serious. Number two, he sees the real you and he still is there. You know, I look at dating profile pictures. I gotta tell you, I look at so many and they are so doctored up with all the filters and all the crap and all the eyelashes that look gigantic, which I have to tell you is quite frankly a turn off. All the Snapchat filters and everything is quite frankly a turn off to me. Not to suggest that you shouldn't be wearing makeup or anything like that. I'm not even suggesting that. I'm just saying when it's over doctored up, you actually could be setting yourself up for failure on a first date, but beyond that, he sees the real you, that you that doesn't wear makeup and he still finds you beautiful. The you that goes to the bathroom may be in front of him and he still doesn't care. The part of you that's vulnerable, authentic and transparent and he still wants to spend time with you, that's a sign he's thinking about you a lot and he wants a serious relationship with you when you could be vulnerable, when you can speak your truth from a kind place. And by the way, my book called What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? Chapter one, Speak Your Truth, Do It From A Kind Place. Ladies, I see so many of you so reluctant to speak your truth to a man, but that's being real. One of the things when I work with clients over and over and over and over again, it's just that capacity to speak up because it is your realness that we're gonna eventually fall in love with. Did you guys ever see the movie when Harry met Sally? Sally was a bit neurotic. I mean, Harry was a misogynist, so that's another conversation, but she was quite, quite neurotic. That was the real her. He didn't run away because we appreciate the realness of you. It's the fakeness that's going on today. It's the game playing, these no contact rule kind of bullshit games that's causing a lot of dysfunctionality in the dating process. And number three, he apologizes when he needs to. He knows how to fight fair and fighting fair simply means, fighting fair means he's gonna, when there's conflict, when there's tension between the two of you, he listens to your point of view and he accepts your point of view as being true for you. Ladies, I know you've been told about gaslighting where when someone gets defense, they get defensive because you criticized or judged them and they turn it around and make it about you. That's not the way an emotional grownup operates in a relationship. That's the way an emotionally unhealthy person operates in a relationship. And sadly, I'm gonna say something to you and I think it's really important to recognize this, the vast majority of humans are emotionally, have weak emotional skills, weak relationship skills and weak emotional maturity. If you're not familiar with my chart, emotional maturity relationship skills, roughly 20% of the population has clinical issues. By the way, this is not a fact, it's an opinion. And while I stayed over here, 20% are relatively healthy, I'm being rather generous there. Most everybody is dysfunctional. And you wonder why, and by the way, this is women too. And you wonder why it's a clusterfuck out there. And yet, I mean, I know, so I personally know some great men who are in awesome relationships with women. I have clients now falling in love in a way that they never have before because they're in stop playing the games and started to be real with each other, both of them. By doing this work, you set yourself up for success, not failure. That's why I recommend book after book after book. A book I'm recommending a lot these days is, I hear you, the surprisingly simple skill behind extraordinary relationships. I highly recommend reading these books because folks, it's time to change the narrative. The old way of dating doesn't work. It never did to begin with because most relationships up until the last 50 years have been ridiculously dysfunctional when you consider we have a 50% divorce rate for first marriages, 65 for second marriages and 75 for third marriages. And people that are still married, half of them are miserable. You wanna change the narrative and then start from the inside out. That's why coming back to my book, it's a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. So you can actually come at this from an empowered place. You don't have to be in your feminine energy and just leaning back. You can be in your empowered energy because that's what's attractive to an empowered male. Number four, he's willing to compromise. I see so many of you with men who are, it's all about their way of doing things and you're the one compromising. Compromising means trade-off and he's willing to compromise as much as you're gonna compromise because there isn't this perfect dynamic going on all the time. But whether it's your lifestyles or schedules, there's a fairness between the two of you. It's not one-sided. When it's one-sided, it's a misaligned relationship. It's a misaligned relationship. And number five, and this is my favorite one, after sex, he's still committed to you. After sex, he's still committed to you. He wants to even spend more time with you. As I started this broadcast, I talked about these guys that come on strong and then disappear. When a guy is serious, he wants to move deeper into the relationship and that tells you, all of these tells you he's thinking about you a lot because what's most important, as I said in the beginning, is that that friendship has been built and it takes a good two or three months of doing shit together for that to happen. This is why I'm a big proponent of don't jumping into bed until you've actually done a lot of activities together. And if you don't know what to do, grab a deck of cards and play gin rummy together one night or get a backgammon game. Backgammon's fun. My mom and dad, there's a picture of mom and dad. They used to play every single night after we had dinner and the kids kind of went off to do their own things. They played backgammon for hours. And by the way, it played for a dollar a game and you thought it was World War three. Sadly, we could be having that right now. But my mom and dad, that was their play time. It's play, it's fun, it's laughter. Going to a comedy show. We're just walking somewhere and just seeing what's going on in the world. That's what's going to build deeper roots of trust. Not all this, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Oh my God, you're amazing. You're amazing, you're amazing, you're amazing. That's not building anything. What's going to build things, what's going to build a relationship is when you can be that vulnerable, authentic, transparent self, you and him. And if you're building those deep roots of trust through friendship, you don't have to worry about playing any games. And you don't even have to second guess if he's serious about you. You will know because he's progressing the relationship forward, just like you're progressing the relationship forward. Is this sinking in, is this resonating with you? Please let me know, post a comment. I'm going to run by those five signs he thinks about you and wants a serious relationship. First off, he's vulnerable, authentic and transparent. Number two, he sees the real you and he still wants to hang out with you. He apologizes, he knows how to fight fair. He's willing to compromise when there's a conflict in your lifestyles and schedules. And lastly, after sex, he's committed to you. All right, I think this will be a great place to wrap up today. Folks off from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you all so much. Please share this video with your friends. Please like this video if you appreciate the content. Check out the links below to a free discovery call. My group called Midlife Love Mastery. You can follow me on Instagram. You can check out my books. I recommend and also my podcast and you can grab my free gift. And I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic shot at the bear hug, so love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I want to thank Sherriot and Jamie and Jennifer.