 Weird. I can't tell if I'm live. I don't know how this works here in just a minute. Okay, we're just gonna be live for a second. Okay. It's gonna be weird how to do this. Shoot. Hi, it is working. Okay, good. I'm gonna come back just a minute. I didn't think it was working, so I gotta plug my headset in just a minute, okay? I also gotta get my coffee. So you guys gonna have to wait a little bit. Hi. Hi there, nice to see you. Okay, just a minute. Nice to be seen. I know. I know, right? Okay, it's gonna take me a little bit because I'm not very fast these days. And I can't exactly remember everything very good because the meds I'm on are kind of intense. So just a minute. Okay, can you hear me? Can you hear me with us? I'm gonna fix things. Can you hear me okay? Take your time. Can you hear me? Yes. I don't have my computer because I was I was coming out here on a one-week vacation and now it's three weeks and it's not a thing. Oh, it's a healing experience. So can you hear? Can you thumb up if you can hear? Yeah, I'm gonna have to I'm gonna have to go grab one of my thank you. I'm gonna have to go grab one of my patch things because a little bump right here. Just a minute, please. I'll get my coffee. Go get your coffee or your tea, okay? And we'll start in like five minutes, okay? I'm supposed to put my feet up when I sit down, but I don't know if I'm gonna do that. It's a little tricky. My vision's a little wonky because of the medicine that I'm on. I'm on a lot of meds as you can imagine. Mostly for pain and for heart managing my heart. The rhythm and the beat of my heart, which is extremely important after open heart surgery, I guess. I guess it's a thing. So I'm learning all sorts of new stuff. So it's a little hard to read my screen and like I said, I don't have my computer. I wasn't planning to be here this long, which is fine. And I don't know when I'm going back home because I haven't been cleared to fly and or drive because of challenges with my body, learning how to pump the blood efficiently and to make sure there's no clotting issues or anything like that. So I hope you can hear me. I might be a little quieter than I normally am because I just feel like I might be. So let's start with where I'm at. Hello, my friends. I am in Maine. I am in Maine. I went for a trip to Women's Week to Massachusetts with a couple of my friends and ended up in Maine. I've also been in New Hampshire. Just passing through New Hampshire to get to Maine. So, yeah, I've been I've been around New England. I love New England. It's beautiful. So I was here this weekend. Yes, when it was like 78 degrees yesterday, and I went to the beach just a little. I can't walk very far right now. But I got dropped off as close as possible and I could walk to the beach and just sit there. And we had we had couscous and what else did we have? Some kind of curry, something curry chicken, I think, on the beach. It's awesome. And potato chips. I've been craving potato chips probably because when I was in the hospital, they would not let me have stuff with salt. I'm like, what? What do you mean? Why? And they're like, because of your heart, I'm like, what? Like, I have no concept of any of this. It's I have a lot to learn, you guys, learning a lot of stuff. So let's get started, shall we? To Sunday morning coffee. All right. So welcome to Sunday morning coffee. I'm sitting on my card deck. Let's move this over. There we go. Sorry to submit. I should have probably got all situated before I stretch my legs. Everything is such a chore. It's all right. It's worth it. It's worth it. All right. So hello. Welcome to Above Life Channel. The purpose here, as always, is to inspire your spirit and to fill you with hope today is Sunday. So we're going to do my Sunday morning coffee podcast, which I missed so much. I missed you guys. I love Sunday morning coffee. It brings me so much joy. And now I have a shit ton of content. Let me just tell you. So today is going to be a bit of a story time. So I'm going to fill you guys in a little bit on some of the things that have been going down for me the last three weeks as I have been here in New England. And some of you will know because you follow me on Facebook. I did post a little bit on Above Life Channel Facebook. I also posted on my Brighton Birch Facebook page. I do have, you know that I've been working on some stuff for my business and for my work and branding wise and that I use a another I have another Facebook page and I also like in my TikTok and things like that, too. I have a Brighton Birch page on my Facebook. You guys are going to notice, I think, some delays in my thought stuff. I'm not going to do channeling today, but because there's a lot, my body is doing a lot to try to reconnect itself. And so all my energy is pretty much going toward that. Toward the healing of my sternum, my breastbone, my chest and then my heart as well. So I'll tell you a little bit about the medical stuff. If it grosses you out, just do not listen because personally, it grosses me out. But there's not much I could do about it. I just had to embrace it and do the best I can. So I'm not in a lot of physical pain right now. Just so you're where I'm not. I don't have major pain meds this morning. I've taken Tylenol and that's it for pain meds. And I take I've taken blood pressure medicine and a medicine that keeps my heart beating regularly. Then, of course, an aspirin, a baby aspirin and then like a cholesterol medicine or something. All the things you do to like have healthy heart. I have never had really high blood pressure or anything like that. So this was a shock and like an unexpected thing that happened. And so it's new. It's not like I just didn't treat it. It's just it's all brand new. So shocking, quite literally shocking. And I didn't lose consciousness or anything like that. And I was very articulate and coherent as the the situation was unfolding. So I remember most of it and the stuff I don't remember. The people that were with me have filled in most of the blanks. So I can do that for you. And if you have questions, you can ask me too. So it's hard to catch my breath sometimes and I'm a little. Am I nervous about talking? I don't think so. I don't know, maybe a little. I think I didn't get much sleep last night. That's the challenge. I'm not sleeping great because nighttime is harder. And like when I'm laying down a lot, there's pressure and stuff like I'm a side sleeper. I sleep on my right side or my left side. And when you have like your surgery, open heart surgery and they open up, literally open up your chest, you can't do anything with your upper your body or chest, your arms, you can't lift, you can't pull, you can't push, you can't lean. You can't stand up and use your arms for anything. You can't do anything with your arms. You have to barrel roll out of bed. It's the weirdest thing ever. So it's odd to sleep. I can only sleep like three, four hours at a time. So I'm doing the best I can. I'm getting it's getting better because at first I couldn't sleep at all. And now I'm I'm better at it. So I have some the primary pain that I have every once in a while, get some chest pain, but it's not like heart pain. It's more like the muscles and the bones and everything coming together, trying to heal, I think I can feel that and they're kind of trying to decide who's going to be the leader, I guess, on the right side, left side kind of thing. And then my my shoulders are killing me. Oh my God. And apparently the at-home nurse that has been visiting me here in Maine, I've had a nurse come three times, check on my incision, check on my vitals, just make sure I don't have a fever, all that stuff. Make sure I'm walking. OK, I'm not too dizzy or anything like that, and I'm not. I'm doing very well. And she she's she's funny because she's like, she's looking at me. She's like, I can't I'm having a hard time. She's like looking at me and she's like, I'm having a hard time believing that you had bypassed open heart surgery like two weeks ago. She's like, I'm having a hard time seeing that. And I'm like, oh, no, I'm usually not this mellow. And we laughed. I'm like, don't laugh. Don't make me laugh too hard because it hurts when I jiggle wiggles. She's like, oh, but she said that most of the time when women have open heart surgery, they get lots of pain in their shoulders, like in their shoulder blades, which you guys know if you've been like a client or followed me for a long time, you know that I have a rotator cuff situation in the back of my right shoulder. And they basically splay out like Jesus on the cross when you're getting surgery. And I had like, I don't know, some people said nine hours, some people said 12 hour surgery was way longer than it was supposed to be. Let's just say that my surgery was too long according to the medical professionals and according to my family and friends because it was weight. It was not supposed to be. Anyway, so other stuff showed up during my surgery, so they took care of business. But the shoulder blades thing is common for women. Women often will complain about shoulder pain. I have a lot of pain in my left shoulder and under my arm, my left arm. And no, that's not where my tubes were. My chest tubes were on the right side mostly right here. And I had those for a couple of days after surgery. Those were the most painful part of the whole thing was the chest tubes for me. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Chest tubes are, oh my God. And then the physician's assistant said, well, I said, we gotta get these out. I said, you want me to walk? You want me to do physical therapy? I will run down the fucking hallway if you take these goddamn tubes out of me. And he said, we can't, you're draining too much. You have too much fluid still. He said, you shouldn't have this much fluid. So I'm gonna give you some medicine to kind of absorb some of that. And I'm like, okay, whatever, fine. Do whatever you need to do, man. And then I negotiated and I got one of them removed. And so I had two of them left still. And I was like, really, please just take them out. Because it hurt so bad. And he told me, he said, it's because you're thin. He said, your lungs, there's only so much room in your chest. He said, there's only so much room inside of you in your ribcage and stuff. He said, to put those in there. And he said, and there's three of them. He said, so that's why they're bumping in each other. He said, and you feel it. He's like, that makes sense. He's like, that's why we give you pain meds. So you can take them. He's like, you should consider taking them because I didn't want to take them. I was like, I don't want to take pain meds and vomit or something because I'm very sensitive. And so we tried two different kinds of pain medication and I landed on one type that worked okay for me. And I only did half the dose and it works fine. It was totally fine. It worked great because I know myself and I know my body, like, right, you got to listen to your body. I wasn't going to just go, oh yeah, drug me up. It was like, that was not going to happen. I wanted to be consciously aware. I wanted to be able to make my own choices and feel my body. So I did, you know, and everybody has different experiences. That was my, so, yeah, that was a situation. So, all right, so I guess maybe I should tell you what happened. You guys want to know what happened? I do not have a history of high blood pressure. I do not have a history of heart issues. The only history I had was I was diagnosed with anxiety in 2019. And if you remember, I wore a halter monitor, a monitor thing that monitored my heart for three days and a cardiologist reviewed the findings and said it was inconclusive and he wasn't concerned. So they treated me for anxiety. And apparently, so the nurse that came this week, she said that is common. Women are misdiagnosed for heart issues and they're put off as anxiety. So this is common people and you know I'm gonna right some wrongs here. Let me just tell you, because my experience here being in the hospital, being in the ICU, being, I mean, it was completely, it was not a good experience, not that it would be. There are moments of hope and glimmer and people who are rays of light and thank you to the one very special nurse who was quirky, who totally liked me and hooked me up with coffee from the nurse's station. I love you. She gave me coffee from the nurse's station. She's like, girl, you need coffee. I said, yes, I need coffee. I ordered breakfast an hour ago. She said, yeah, they don't really rush up to ICU because most people here don't really eat breakfast. I'm like, well, I need any breakfast. And she's like, yeah, we didn't expect you to even be conscious. And here you are like talking and trying to order breakfast and you want to go to the bathroom. And she's like, we're not prepared for you. And I kind of laughed. She's like, you're kind of a miracle. I'm like, yes, yes, I am. Thank you very much. It's nice to meet you. Can I have some coffee? And she's like, I got you. I'll get you some. So she gave me like the fully caffeinated, which you're not supposed to have that much when you're gonna have a heart thing. She loaded me up. I was like, girlfriend, thank you. You helped me survive this hellhole, you know. Anyway, I felt like a science experiment because apparently I was too young for this to happen to, never having a history of it and almost dead. And I'm not exaggerating. You guys, I am not being dramatic. I am gonna be real and legit with you. Part of the reason why I didn't wanna come on until I was ready. Like I did do something on my YouTube channel last or my Facebook page last week a little bit because I had so many friends. People were gonna try to do, I had some clients and friends that were getting together and talking about what to do to help me, which I really appreciate very much. Thank you. I love you guys. Thank you, PRDs. Love you all. And they were considering doing a GoFundMe and I asked them not to do that because I don't wanna deal with the tax implications of it. So I just posted my Venmo and my PayPal link on my Facebook page and said, if you wanna support the efforts that I have, I have to stay in New England until I can be cleared to fly or drive home. And I had my family was flying out, like my sister flew out. She has a relatively new job the last couple months. She doesn't have any vacation time. And she's like a single person, you know? And she just used her credit card and jumped on a plane. And she said, I told work, don't bother me. She said, I just turned off my phone and I came. I'm like, what? Like it's busy time. She's like, I know. Oh well, hopefully I have a job when I get back. So thank God for her because she was my chauffeur. She busted me out of the hospital and drove me to New Hampshire and then passed me off to a friend who then drove me to Maine. So it all worked out okay. But then like she had to, like her airfare was like $500 to come out here. It was 600 to get back. She had to get back. She had to work. So it was $1,100 in airfare. I think it was about 11. I can't remember exactly. It might have been more than that. Because it was last minute stuff. Like, and she wasn't gonna wait. She was like, my sister could be dying. I'm getting out there, you know? Cause that's what you do, right? You don't think you just do. And then we had to stay at the hospital across from the, we had to, I'm sorry, we had to stay at the hotel across from the hospital for two nights because that was the agreement that was made in order to release me so that I could, if there was an issue or a problem, I could just go literally right across the street and get care. Because I was discharged from the ICU, the cardio, the CV ICU, the cardiovascular ICU, and right to a hotel. Like, that doesn't happen. They're like, this is unusual. I'm like, I am, I am unusual. We all know that. That's fine. So, and then we had to rent a car unexpectedly. And the hotel was like 300 bucks a night. So like that's another 600 bucks. Plus renting a car was like, I think four or something or whatever. I had a really good friend that generously had my sister's Venmo and just sent her some money to help cover the cost of the rental car, which I was so grateful for because I'm thinking, holy shit, how am I gonna pay for all this? Because here I am in the hospital having the vacation and then having hospitalization. So that was like two weeks. I didn't have any work. I didn't work. I lost work. And then now this is my third week I lost work. So I haven't been working for three weeks. That's a big deal when you're your own person. Like I'm self employed. I don't just, so I have clients that have paid for sessions and I haven't worked. So I feel really, there's a lot of feelings I have about that. So I'll catch up. I know everybody's understanding. Everybody, nobody's a jerk. Everybody's kind. Everybody's got sent well wishes. I get it, but it's hard. But I just still have the energy. I can't do it. I just can't do it right now. Not yet. Maybe next week I can. We'll see. First week in November, maybe. We'll see. See what happens. So I'll tell you guys what happened. Let me just take a peek here. Sorry. Whoa, that was big. My mom had a heart attack. Oh, I'm sorry. I did not have a heart attack. That is not what happened to me. I did have a cardiac event, but it was not a heart attack. So let me tell you what happened. Hey, Patty. Hi honey, nice to see you. Hi. Hey everybody, nice to see you. We're doing Sunday morning coffee or we're doing story time. It's gonna be a long one, my friends. A long one, a long one. Yeah, and I know, look at this hair. I was supposed to get my hair cut. See, same old, same old me. I was supposed to get my hair cut on Thursday, but since I wasn't in Minnesota, I couldn't get my hair cut. And by the way, I can't lift both my hands over my head so I can't bloater on my hair if funky cool, how it is. So right now it's getting long and it's just gonna be hanging downy. And that's just the way it's gonna be. And thank goodness that the person I'm staying with is about my size. So I get to, she's a little bit thinner than I am actually. I know it's hard to believe that, right? She's a skinny mini. And yesterday I was like, I really need a different flannel because I've been wearing the same stuff. But she's like, she's folding my laundry. She's done my laundry. She's made me food. She makes me tea and coffee in the morning and all the stuff. She's a counselor and a licensed clinical social worker. She works in an ER as one of her jobs and the other job is as a counselor. But because of what's happened in this area in Maine, yes, I'm in the Portland area, which is about 25 minutes from Lewis, Lewison or whatever, wherever the whole situation with the guy that ended lives of people. I don't wanna say too much on here because I don't want this to be about yucky stuff. Yes, there were lots of things around here that were closed because of that. So that was exciting and not exciting this week that happened here. And so she got called into work or she was scheduled to work, I think, but it was a big deal because she's a counselor and at her hospital that she works at, people, victims were brought there. And so she had to deal with, she had to help families and stuff like that. But that's her jam. Like she loves that. She's gonna support people. She's such a healer, such a nurturing person. So she's been taking care of me and taking care of them. So she's been just amazing. So freaking amazing. But anyway, so I got her flannel on and I like it, it's so cozy. I'm like, thank you, I'm so glad we're just about the same size. And she's like, yeah, it's helpful. So anyway, so that's nice. So what happened was as I was on this vacation, having a good time, the first night I was there, I was like, ooh, it's so much fun. Went to the local diner slash bar, went dancing, had a great time and had like two drinks. Like literally I did a shot. The three of us did a shot before we left. And then we went, went out and ate and had a big dinner and all that. So we weren't like crazy drinking people or anything like that. And I had two drinks and they were so good. And I was fine. Like I was probably a little buzzed, a little altered alcohol wise, but not. I wasn't like fall down drunk or anything. I had fun. I danced with some beautiful women and it was fun. I had a nice time. And then that night, when I got home, when I got back to the Airbnb, I got sick. And I was like, what? But earlier we had had shellfish, one of the people I was with, the person I'm staying with now. I gotta think of a name for her. I'm gonna have to, you guys are gonna have to get to know her a little bit. I'm gonna have to think of a name for her. She, I don't know, I'll have to ask her, hey, what should we use for an alias for you? Because she'd probably ask instead of just making up a name for her. She has the same name as one of my really good friends, like my bestest friends. So it's really very confusing. Let me just say. So I told her that I was sick and she said, are you okay? And I said, I'm sick. I said, I'm really sick. And I said, maybe it was a shellfish. She said, maybe you're reacting to that. I said, maybe. And she's like, do you feel drunk? Like, are you, do you think it's alcohol poisoning? I said, I don't think so. I don't feel drunk or anything. And but I was really sick. Like I was in, there was only one bathroom in this two bedroom, beautiful Airbnb. And I was supposed to sleep on the couch. Instead I slept on the floor in the bathroom. And she brought me, and she said, do you need anything? I said, a pillow. So she brought me a pillow and a blanket. And I slept on the bathroom floor. It's like college days. Cause I thought I was dying. Pray into the porcelain God, you know? And I thought, I thought I had food poisoning. That's what I really thought. And so did she. And that's what we were thinking. Then the next day I was still sick. And that night I was still sick. And so by the time it got to be, let's see, Monday, Tuesday. I think it was Tuesday. I was like, I was still sick. And I couldn't do anything. Like I couldn't go anywhere. And I got this headache, this really bad headache. And then it was a migraine and then I was still nauseated and I couldn't keep food down. And I was just, I thought, oh my God, do I have COVID? And they're like, do you want a COVID test? And all the stuff. And I didn't have anything like that. It wasn't, I didn't have a fever. I mean, it was weird. I was so sick, but it was weird. And so finally I think it was Wednesday. By Wednesday I was like, I need to go to the doctor. And we need to find an urgent care. So we did because I was so exhausted and dehydrated. So we went to urgent care. I was thinking, hey, hook me up. Give me some of these, baby. Give me some juices. Give me some juices. So we went and the doctor that saw me was really great and gave me a shot for the pain from my head so I could sleep. And what else did he give me? Give me something else. I can't remember what it was. Two different medicines I got. And so I went back to the Airbnb and like he listened to my heart. Didn't notice anything weird. I don't think my blood pressure was weird. I don't think anything was really weird. And so I went back to the Airbnb and my friend who I'm staying with here, she gave up her room for me. She had this big, beautiful room with this huge, king-size bed. And she's like, no, you sleep in here. And I'm like, okay, well, I'm gonna need a bowl. If that happens, I'm gonna need a big bowl. So if I get sick, I can't run through the place to get to the bathroom. And so I got a bowl and I slept in there. And I said, are you sure you want me to sleep in here? She's like, yeah, you're fine, you just sleep in here. So I slept in the big bed and it was so good because I was actually able to sleep a little bit. But then again, on Friday morning, I was still sick. I was still freaking sick. And I felt like I just felt so not, like not really lightheaded, but just, I didn't feel balanced. I didn't feel lightheaded, like, you know, you get dizzy. I didn't feel dizzy. I didn't have bedspins, but I felt like I'm not balanced. Like my right side, left side, like when I was walking, it felt like I was off, like my depth perception felt off or something. So I thought it was an ocular thing, like an eye thing, because I have that ocular albinism and so it kind of screws up my eyes. Sometimes my vision and stuff, I get headaches. I do get migraines and stuff. So that's not unfamiliar to me. But I just felt so weird in Friday morning. I'm like, I really wanted to like go get coffee and do fun things, because the two of them were hanging out and I couldn't really do anything. And I was so bummed I was missing out, but I was still freaking sick. I could not even think about doing anything. Like I wasn't eating. I was just sick and drinking. I was drinking Gatorade and that was it, you know? And so I finally, that morning, I was talking on the phone to the, to home, to homestead and the main house for me. And my husband was like, you're slurring your words. I'm like, what? I had no idea. He's like, you're slurring your words. I said, well, my tongue feels heavy. It feels kind of heavy. Like maybe I have cotton mouth. He said, no, you're slurring your words. And I had given, I had given him, my friend that I'm staying with, her contact information and I had given her his contact information. This was like right the first day I was there. I said, hey, I'm gonna share contact information in case anybody needs to reach me for anything and they can't reach me. Or if I need to have people reach, here you go. These two of you I trust. Let's exchange your guys's contact info and then you guys can connect if there's anything. It is so crazy. Cause I did that on Sunday and all this stuff started happening Monday night. It's so weird how that works. Isn't it? Hello intuition, I guess. Cause I hadn't done that before at all. Like they hadn't met, they haven't met each other. They didn't, well, now they have, but they hadn't had it. So that was kind of weird. He met both of my friends actually. But so I was like, oh, I said, okay, and he said, make sure you tell her, tell them that you're not feeling great and that this is, I said, yeah, I said, I really want to go to the beach. All I want to do is see the beach. I just need to see the beach and want coffee and see the beach. And then I'll go to urgent care again. He said, yeah, you really need to go. I said, okay. So I told her, I said, I think I'm slurring my words and my tongue feels really heavy. I said, so I think I need to go back to urgent care. I might need to go back to urgent care. I'm not sure. I said, maybe I just need to eat. And so we went out and we got some to eat and got some coffee. And I thought, maybe I need a caffeine because the headache and I still had the headache. I wasn't puking, but I did not feel good. I felt so like not in my body. I felt really not here, not in my body, not connected at all. And I had really bad depth perception, like trying to step off a curb. It's like I just practically fell off curbs. Like I couldn't, my body wasn't cooperating. And I thought it, I thought it was like a stroke situation. Honestly, I was like, this isn't great. And so I said, okay, let's go to the beach and then maybe we'll go to urgent care. So we went to the beach and I was just standing there and looking at the water and taking pictures. And she came up to me and she said, okay, so how are you doing? And I turned and looked at her and she said my, my left side was hanging down, like my whole side of my face was hanging down. And she grabbed my arm and she said, we're going now. I'm calling it. I'm like, what? She's like, I'm calling it. And I'm like, okay. And so she grabbed my arm and we just, she said, do you want an ambulance? I said, no, I don't need an ambulance. And she said, it's two blocks away. We're walking, we're going now. We started walking and then some random lady came up to us and said, you need aspirin, you need aspirin. And I'm like, what are you talking about? So they could see, physically see that I was having some issues and I couldn't feel it. I knew that my hand was numb, my left finger, my pinky and my finger was numb. So everybody was thinking, oh, she's having a stroke. I'm thinking, oh, great. This will be lovely. How much fun is this gonna be? Okay. Guess I'll be in New England for a while, whatever. So I'm like, okay, let's go to the doctor and let's deal with this. So we went, because the sooner you get help, the better prognosis you have, right? So I went, we got there and right away, I don't think we walked all the way. I think the other friend grabbed the car and I think, I can't remember all that pieces of that. Because it feels like what happened was, I got dropped off at the door with one of my friends and somebody else ran in and said, this is what's happening, blah, blah, blah, blah. And the doctor's like, all right. And it was the same doctor that was there two days ago. He said, bring her in. And they just sat me down and he looked at me right away and he says, we're transporting you to the hospital. And I'm like, okay. Like I don't even remember seeing the doctor. I don't remember seeing the doctor. I just, I remember going into the urgent care again. That's all I remember. And I remember him saying, we're transporting you by ambulance. So I'm like, okay, to the hospital, which was an hour away. So we went from Provincetown, Massachusetts, which is where we were to Hiana's Port. And the place where the Kennedys are, I know, right? It's like, hello, magic. No, manifesting. That's not exactly how I had it in mind, but whatever. So we go there and my friend, one of the ladies drove the car behind the ambulance, but she couldn't keep up. She had to know where we're going because there were lights and sirens, the whole freaking way. So I remember that in the ambulance. I remember the bouncing. And I remember the sirens. In fact, I've never been in an ambulance like that. I have ridden in an ambulance one other time, but it was when one of my kids was a baby and was being transported for RSV pneumonia to a children's hospital. So I was in the very front. I wasn't in the back. I was in the front, but I got to ride with. So she was in the back with me. She was holding my hand because I said, can you hold my hand while they put the IVs in? Cause I was scared to death of the IVs. Like I was like, oh shit, they're going to put IVs in and they're going to be driving fast. That sounds like it's going to hurt. I had no fucking consciousness of what actually was going to happen to me. Okay, so at that point, that was scary to me, which was totally, now it's like, I could put my own freaking IV and I've had them all over my body now, which I never want to have to do, but you get the idea. And she said, of course I'll ride with you. I'm like, okay. And that was a huge ask for her. Let me just say, because she had an experience where her partner died of a heart attack and she was in the ambulance. That's the last time she wrote in an ambulance. And so she was, she really just, the fact that she just, I'm going to get emotional. She just set her own pain aside and she wrote to me, it's something I'll never forget. I mean, that's such a blessing to have somebody that can genuinely have such a loving, kind heart to support you and just ask. And I didn't even think about it. I wasn't thinking clearly. If I was, I probably wouldn't have asked. I would have said, I'm fine. It's okay. You guys go and I think she would have asked honestly to ride with anyway. So she just climbed right in. And she held my hand the whole way. So I don't remember that much of the ambulance ride. I remember that they were having some issues with keeping me alive. I remember that because they stopped and picked up another person to help work on me while they were driving. And then I, I don't know if they gave me medicine to call me down or cause I wasn't freaking out. But I know that I lost consciousness or I slept at some point. And then when I woke up, there were three people instead of just two in there. And I was like, what? And then she said, yeah, they had to stop and get somebody else cause they needed multiple IVs. And you know, I'm like, yeah, no kidding. I had a bunch of IVs in my body. I had one in each of my arms. And then during the surgery at some point, I had one of my ankle and I had a big one in the main line of main artery, which I actually have a big, huge ouchy from that. And then I also had a catheter in my heart monitoring things and all sorts of stuff. Anyway, so that was the ambulance ride. And then we got to the hospital and I remember getting a CT scan right away cause they were doing my head cause they thought, okay, stroke and the person that did the CT scan went down a little bit too far, just a little bit farther. So like down toward my collarbone, instead of just like the top half of my head or whatever. And because of that, they saw something in some big artery going into my heart that they're like, oh, what's that? That's not normal. That is not normal. And so they said, I literally was moved onto the thing, got the scan, came out. They moved me back onto the other gurney and they were gonna take me out. And he said, wait, we need to do another one. And so he put me back, they put me back in and did the thing. And then all of a sudden the chief of surgery was there and was like in my face. And he said, how long have you had a neortic aneurysm? And I'm like, what? I said, what? Like I had no idea what he was talking about. I'm like, is this an nightmare? What are you talking about? I said, what? I don't know what you're talking about. And he said, how long have you had untreated high blood pressure? I said, I don't. I've never had high blood pressure. And he said, he was just like, like you don't make sense to me, you know? And he said to me, he said, well, he said, you have an aortic dissension, dissection, something where it separates, the aorta separates, the muscle separates from the heart and it looks like a bike tire and it gets flat kind of thing. And it bleeds and it bleeds into your body. And the problem is, is once it gets to the point where it's bleeding back into your heart, you die. Or you lose too much blood and you die. So he said to me, you need to have surgery on your heart to fix the aorta. He said, you have a tear in your aorta. He said, it looks like a big tear drop. And he said, it needs to be repaired. And he said, this isn't something that will heal itself or you take medicine for or anything like that. He said, if you don't fix this, now you will die. And he literally said that, you will die. Like in my face, if you don't fix this, now you will die. And my friends were mad, because they were like, where's this bedside manner? I'm like, I don't give a shit what his bedside manner is. If he does his job well and fixes my heart, he's good. And then I just said, I'm like, what? I just, I did not get it. I just did not understand it. Just, I was like, I could not even believe that. And then I had a clipboard in my face to sign the consent form. And I don't remember the part about how I could die in surgery. Like that part, never heard any of that. My friends were like, oh my God, we were freaking out because at any moment, if they came out too early, you're dead. Because they said, you could have a stroke. You could have a heart attack. You could have a, it could rupture. They're like, there's a 50-50 shot that you're gonna survive. Literally the stats are like 50% or something. They're bad. And I didn't know any of that stuff. I just said, he said, if you don't have the surgery, you'll die. And I said, well, let's fix it. That's all I said was let's fix it. And I signed the paper and called my husband to tell him what was going on. So he could tell the kids and then I remember them bringing in the machine to lower my body temperature because they had to do that because they put me on a bypass machine. And so many people started coming in to be part of the surgery. I do remember an argument, I mean a discussion, an argument, discussion difference of opinion that was happening between a couple of doctors when they were looking at my case as they thought it was like half in of it. I was half in and half out of it. I was kind of going in and out at that point that they were trying to decide if they should chop or meet to Boston in general. I think it's called Boston something, some hospital in Boston. Because like they're equipped, really well equipped to do this surgery and it was determined that I would not survive. I was bleeding too much. They said she'll die. They're like, she made it here. We can't just send her off someplace else. We got to take care of this, you know? And they're right. I needed to, needed to be taken care of because I was bleeding internally. That's why I was so sick for days. I was bleeding inside my body. I did not know that. So anyway, so that happened and they lowered my body temperature, put me in a bypass machine. I don't remember the bypass machine. The only thing I know about the bypass machine is that I was on it really long time and people were freaking out, thinking I was going to be brain dead. I was also on an intubator. I was breathed by a machine for a very long time. My body didn't want to get off the bypass machine. It was quite comfortable on the bypass machine and they were a little frustrated with that because they were trying to get me back to pumping my heart pumping on its own and it took some time. So we just had to be patient. I said, that's okay, I got it. So did they have a lot of memories? Do they have a lot of experiences? Yes, I'm starting to come to terms with a lot of the stuff that I experienced during that time. I'm writing about it. I plan to share about it eventually but right now the focus is my physical healing and my mental and emotional healing because there's a lot of stuff like just a lot. It's just a lot. I don't really remember a lot. The three days after surgery, I was pretty much out of it. My husband flew in. So the surgery happened Friday night evening into Saturday morning and I was out of surgery. I think at like one o'clock, 12 o'clock or one o'clock in the afternoon on Saturday and my friend, she picked up my husband at the airport. So they were texting each other and talking about everything and she was keeping him up to date. And so that was interesting. It was like a two hour drive. So she just pulled up. She said, I pulled up to him. I said, hey, are you so-and-so? And he's like, yeah. And she's like, all right, get in. So they talked and met each other. And oh my God, it's so weird. And then they took care of each other, you know? And that's really sweet, you know? Just such an interesting dynamic, you know? It's very interesting. And they got along really well because he was like, she's really kind. He said, she's a really good person. I said, I know. What did you think? I was gonna hang out with people that were dumbasses. Okay, given my track record, maybe. But we all have a dumb ass or two in our history, right? No, I'm like way smarter now about people, right? And so I'm like, what did you think? I have good taste in people. I'm like, if I picked you, you know, and I picked her to hang out with, I mean, you would think that I have good taste in people. And so it was interesting because they were like totally, like when I woke up, they were both together right at the end of my bed. It was so awesome. I felt so loved and so cared for and so so much compassion, so much freaking compassion. It was unbelievable. Unbelievable. I will never forget that, the feelings I had at that moment, aside from the horrific pain in my chest. Because that sucks. Because I didn't know, I'm thinking, I'm thinking I'm getting surgery that's like laparoscopic where they do a little cut and then they do the laser thing and they repair some artery or something and I'm done. I had no fucking clue that I, I mean, he said there was a tear in there and it looked like a tear drop. I thought, oh, well they can just go in and laser that bitch up, you know? No, they couldn't. It was open heart surgery. Which do you know what that means? Okay, so zone out everybody, everybody, whoever doesn't like to hear descriptions of medical things, which I am a person that doesn't like it. So please turn yourself on mute or pause for a second. Did you got that? When I talk about this, I literally quite literally had open heart surgery two weeks and two days ago. And that means they took a saw and sawed down the center of my breast bone, my sternum, and then they pulled it open. Yeah, that's why my ribs are sore. That's why my shoulders are sore. And there's a lot of, they pump in like an air and a carbon dioxide or something like that. They pump it in so that everything's open so there's space for them to work because it's just tiny, right? And so the air kind of accumulates in pockets in the shoulders for women especially and so you get shoulder pain after, that's normal. And plus being splayed out like Jesus, which I was for like nine to 12 hours is a thing. And they had some challenges too during the surgery with like my pulse, my left side and my right side that couldn't get pulses to match. And they were just like, what the heck is going on with this woman? Why is she have two different pulses? I'm like, because I'm trying to bring myself together, body, mind, heart and spirit. I'm trying to stop being two people in my life. I'm trying to heal my broken heart. I'm trying to be whole and be myself and be in my center and embrace my authenticity. That's why it made total sense to me intuitively, but to them they were super like, why should she have two pulses? Her fetal pulse rate is different and both her feet, they're different. Doesn't make sense. They were trying to get, so I woke up and there's all these marks on my feet. Like they made notes and numbers and circles and Xs and all sorts of stuff trying to see where to find my pulse, I guess. That's so weird, which is just kind of fascinating. But anyway, so that was a thing. And so that's what happens. They literally, and then they have to use this big metal clamp thing. It's really gross. I know, I told you, I warned you to hold it open. So that's why I'm so sore, right? And I have like, you can't really see it because I showed it on one of my other videos, but I have a big, staring strip. It looks like a big piece of tape and it goes all the way down. That always starts right here underneath this little divot here. It goes from the top of my chest all the way down here to about just above my belly button. And then there's three holes underneath my belly button where other things were inserted, other instruments and stuff to be able to show light and to see and to access different parts of me, my heart and stuff there. And then on my right thigh, right at the bend in my leg. So like kind of by the groin kind of is a huge, weird, long place where they put the bypass in. It is nasty. And I'm like, I couldn't, I'm like, why is this hurt? When I got up, I was like, why is my leg hurt? And they're like, well, cause they had to cut no, like I had none of this. If it was explained to me, I was out of it. So I didn't know what the heck was happening or what happened. I had no idea any of this stuff, all this stuff was happening. Like I had no idea. And I had IVs all over me. Like when I came out, I was like a pin cushion. I'm like, what? Like they come in and they just give me different meds and different places. And they're putting the main line one that goes directly to the heart was for the heart medicine that they're giving me and stuff. I remember, so Saturday afternoon, I was done with surgery. It started on Friday evening, dinner-ish time, I think dinner. I'd have been before that. And Saturday, one o'clock I was done, I think. I think it was one. Might have been two. I'm super grateful that my husband didn't see me with breathing tubes. I was intubated for quite a while, I guess like when it didn't come off the breathing machine right away. But I was taken off it as soon as they could. And it was right before he got there. So he did not have to see me hook up to tubes and all that stuff. I mean, which is good because that would be traumatizing. I can't even imagine what that would do to somebody. And so then the next memory I have is on Monday, really. So I have a memory on Friday and then Monday. And Monday was waking up and seeing the two of them sitting in the corner. And then when I opened my eyes or something, they both came right to me. Hey, how's it going kind of thing? I think she came first and then he came. I can't remember. But I remember my husband leaving in the afternoon. I don't remember him arriving there. I don't remember anything like that. I remember him leaving. So obviously he arrived. And he said, I was really, I seemed cognizant and I was participating in things. Like when they were telling me to do stuff, I was responding to, they were so excited because they're like, she's responding to simple commands. I'm like, what? No kidding, you know, kind of thing. And they're like, she's asking to go to the bathroom, but she can't because she had a catheter in. Hello, I had a catheter in. But I'm like, I got a pee and they're like, it's fine, go ahead. I'm like, no, I need to go to the bathroom. And they're like, no, you don't, you're okay? And I'm like, I couldn't, I had no idea the levity of what had happened. Like I was so spared any of the stress before this happened, which was probably really good. Now I'm like trying to figure out all the holes, you know? And so, yeah, so is that's what I remember. And then, so he left on Monday and then my sister came on Wednesday morning or Wednesday afternoon, Wednesday she came. And I got one of my tubes out, I think Wednesday or Thursday. And then I left on Friday, my second tube. I had one tube was out on Wednesday, the other two are on Thursday. And then Friday I left. I walked out of the ICU. Isn't that crazy? I'm like, oh my God, I walked out of the ICU. Cool. So, yeah, the hardest part, I think, well, there's a lot of difficulties, I think. The fact that I get tired so fast is just a reality. And I'm really patient, I'm not angry about that at all. That's just reality. I would like to be able to, I'd like to be able to go home when I want to. You know, I'm cool staying here another week. That's totally fine. I feel super comfortable here. It's great here, I love it here. But it seems weird like the whole month of October I've been in New England. Didn't plan that. Oh! On the way from Hyannis, where the hospital was, to Dover, New Hampshire, which is where we were gonna meet my friend to pick me up, they're gonna do the drop off with me, swap me, different people. And then my sister was gonna go to the airport and the rental car would go to the airport. And on the way there, my sister and I, we were hungry, I was hungry. I was really hungry, I wanted to eat. All of a sudden I wanted to eat, which was great because I got my appetite back and I got it back really fast, which was awesome. I was like, I'm hungry, I need some protein. So we stopped in Salem. Never in a million years thought I would go to Salem, Massachusetts, but it was on the way. So we went to Salem, Massachusetts and had lunch. And I went to a little gift store and we drove around and it was pouring down rain and it was very cold. And I was like, wow, this is cool. What a historic place. And that was it. Cause I couldn't do anything. I could barely walk, I could walk like five minutes and then I'm like, I can't walk anymore. So was the whole thing. So, but I went, I went. So how cool was that? I'm like, yeah, let's stop. At least we can say we stopped. We have to eat anyway. Let's stop here. Cause then we can say we stopped. How cool was that? Plus we're in a car. I can sit in the car and look at stuff. It was interesting, it was very interesting. So did that and then went to Dover, New Hampshire got some rocks, got some metaphysical prescription crystals for my friend Diane at her place, Oasis shop at Earth Harmony Wellness Center in Dover, New Hampshire. Sometimes she's on Facebook. She does rock shows. So watch for that. Cause if she does, you can order them. You can buy stuff right online from her. And she's awesome. She's a priestess friend of mine. I trust her implicitly. She and I have done clearing work together. She's fabulous. So went to her shop, which was cool. Really cool. Got some grid cloths or things like that. So very, very hoppy. Got some incense and some, I got a garnet bracelet. And then I got this rose quartz with also the chakra colors and all that. So feeling really good about that. Yeah, that was good. So that is my story, one of the stories. There's so many different side shoot stories that I have from this experience and things that have come through and things that have been revealed and just, there's just so much here to share. So I hope to do that in the weeks to come. I am going to mention too that I do know that Matthew Perry died yesterday. And that makes me so sad. I love friends. Love, love, love friends. And it felt like to me, and I don't know his nature of death. I'm thinking it's probably his heart, which is not ironic, but hello bro, heart stuff. So yeah, it's weird. The situation that I had, the aortic dissension level one is something that like, they were shocked that I was alive. And they were shocked that I was conscious and talking. And I think they were also honestly shocked that I lived, that I survived the surgery. And I was like, why would I plan on not doing that? Like to me, it just, okay, fix it. Let's fix it. But now in the future, I have a lot of things I have to learn about heart care and heart wellness. And I'm so, so concerned that the fact that I was a woman may be caused less of an interest or an eye in heart issues. And if that's the case, I wanna make sure that I start talking about it for people. Because if it can happen to me, I am healthy. They were all like, cause like I eat healthy. I'm pretty fit. I exercise. I mean, I do all the things, right? And I don't have like this major like family history with the women in my family. However, my mom told me that on my grandpa's side, a lot of the men had heart issues. So it's very possible that I inherited it from the dudes. So it's not a gender fucking thing. It's a personal, it's a people thing. But because, oh, you have anxiety. It's like, no, I have a heart situation. You know, in the last two years, I've been so freaking stressed out. I literally almost died of a broken heart. And I believe that. You look like a tear. How sad is that? How sad is that? Being so hard on myself and feeling so bad. It almost killed me, literally almost killed me. I don't want that to happen to anybody else. No way. No fucking way. Not if I can help it. So that's my story on Sunday Morning Coffee. Thank you for being here for so long. If you want to, if you're so inclined to help to sponsor my trek across the States, I'm probably gonna end up driving because I am personally a little afraid to fly right now because of the headaches and the, I don't know about my blood clotting situation. I don't have a cardiologist except the guy that did the surgery yet because I can't get to Minnesota to get one. It's a whole thing. So it's expensive. And also I don't have income right now. I had to quit my job at the community center because I cannot lift. The doctor said it will take up to a year to be able to get back to myself physically. But for sure, six months to lift, I can't drive for three months because I can't twist my body. So, because the sternum has to, everything has to heal on my chest. So that's the biggest focus right now is that. And also not getting COVID. Oh, did I mention that three of the, one, two, three, three of the four people who were with me at the hospital got COVID? Did I mention that? My sister and I are the only two that didn't have it. And I know they shoved a thing up my nose as soon as I got into the hospital and they told me it was negative. But during my stay at the hospital, other people that where I was with, including my husband and the two people that brought me to the hospital all got COVID. Everybody got it. Oh, crazy, I never got it. Not yet. So that's really good because me coughing or sneezing would be unbelievably painful right now. So, there's that. So that was a thing, weird thing. So I'm lucky, didn't get that too. So that was good, but yeah. So if you want to help support, you can do that. There's a, I posted my Venmo on above life channel Facebook so you can see it there if you want to use that. Or if you want to reach out to me and just send me well wishes, you can do that to my email address abovelifechannel at gmail.com or if you want access to my PayPal, you can message me and I'll send that to you as well, whatever, I'm willing. Right now I'm all in the receiving mode, receiving love, receiving caring, receiving nutrients, nurturing, receiving positive support from people and financial assistance. I am not too proud to receive that right now because this is really expensive and I'm just super grateful to be alive and I'll figure out the money stuff, but it's stressful. Okay, yesterday I kind of had a little freak out moment because my oldest daughter who's 22 works at a hospital and she works overnights and she does patient transport. So she's bringing people from the emergency room to the CAT scan and ultrasound areas for their tests and stuff. And she kind of lost her shit this week because I was in the hospital and she can't see me. My kids have not seen me. They saw me on FaceTime, but that's it. And she lost it and she had to go home because she's like, I can't do this, I can't do this. And so she didn't have enough money to pay her rent this month. So now I have to try to figure out how to pay her freaking rent because her rent is due next week and it's like there's so much stuff. Do you know what I mean? I'm like, oh my God, oh my God. There's just too much going on. And I'm like, I don't know how I'm gonna get home and it's stressful. Oh, by the way, I had a queen, I was supposed to go to a queen concert yesterday in Minnesota. I had two tickets to the queen concert. So I gave them to two of my friends who totally love music. And so they took them and they had a great time and they sent me videos and pictures, which I really appreciate you guys. Thank you for doing that. I'm glad you enjoyed it. But I was a little bummed that I wasn't there. But I gotta say I love Maine. I really love it here. It's beautiful. It's just beautiful and peaceful. And I love her house. It's great. So yeah, I could totally chill here for however long. Halloween or Samhain is on Tuesday. So we were talking about what we should do. And I said, maybe we should give out candy, decorate, you know, get dressed up and give out candy. So I don't know. It depends on when I have to go to the cardiologist. I don't know. I have to go this week and it's like a three hour drive to get there. So to figure that out, but anyway. So that's that. So I'm just gonna look at your videos or your, ow, oh, fudge. I have to look it. Sorry, I can't twist. Fuck it. I'm gonna look at your, oh, fuck that really did hurt. That was stupid. That was a really stupid. That was really stupid. I did buy a heating pad. That was a, oh Jesus, that really did hurt. That was a very good investment was the heating pad. Very smart. Very, very excellent suggestion. Patty, nice to see you. Thank you. I know you're so great. Margaret, nice to see you. I had an aortic dissension where the aorta separated and tore. It tore in the form of a teardrop. And the doctor said I had about two hours before I would be dead. So I had to get emergency surgery. There was concern during the surgery because I wasn't coming off the bypass. It took longer than anticipated. And it could have resulted in some major stuff like stroke or brain damage or whatever. I was on a breathing machine as well. So it was a whole nine yards. That's fine. Hi, Nancy. Yeah, I'm a miracle. I know I'm happy. I'm very, very, very grateful for life right now. Let me just say hi, Nikki. Nice to see you. I am doing pretty well. Like right now, I'm OK. But after this, I got to lay down. I got to walk a little bit around the house. And I got to lay down because stuff swells up. My feet, my hands a little bit sometimes. And I just don't feel great. I still feel great. Does not feel great. Mom, thank you. It's the scene. You guys are awesome. I bet you're surprised I'm on here. I'm grateful to be here. Hey, Mary, thanks for your donation, Mary. I appreciate it. Mary went to Above Life Channel Facebook and donated some money. Thank you. I appreciate that, my prince friend. So I'm glad you're doing better. Well, I'm up and moving. That's for sure. I'm grateful that I'm upright because there were a couple of times when I didn't know if I was going to be walking. It was awful. It was not a good situation. Very dizzy. And the meds had to kind of balance out, I think, the blood pressure medicine. Because I'm not used to being on anything like that. Thanks, you guys, for being here. I appreciate it. It is interesting. I should have a conversation with you guys about how when people realize you're going to die or you could die, they come out of the woodwork. It's so odd, kind of. I mean, it makes sense because if they think it's the last time they could talk to you, they want you to know that you're loved. So that's kind of sweet. But it's also weird. So I had somebody that I hadn't talked to in months who was, I was like, oh god, this person's probably freaking out. So I asked a friend. I said, hey, reach out to this person. Tell him I'm OK. Tell him what's up and whatever. But I eventually talked to them just briefly. And it was weird. It was really weird because I'm like even in this time when I'm trying to heal and do my stuff, I'm trying to help other people deal with what's happening to me. It doesn't make sense. And it really wasn't fair because she really didn't deserve that. She should have been just, oh, well, you're not in my circle. You're not somebody who I love and trust. You don't get access to me. Like that is what it should have been. But I was just like, so like, hey, I'm fine. Whatever. I'm happy that I'm alive. I don't give a crap about anybody or anything except the fact that I'm alive right now when the sun is shining and I am sitting up in my bed. And I sure would like to have a cup of coffee and maybe some chocolate pudding for breakfast. Like seriously, that was my perspective. I was like, yeah, plus I had this really beautiful experience with, so my husband and I are separated, but we're still married. And we are totally, we support each other. We got each other's backs. He just had a gallbladder removed a month ago. And we got each other's backs. And as proven by the fact that he freaking flew here to be by my side and has been supporting me 100%. And then he went back to be with our son and stuff. And it was great. But he was able to fly here and get picked up by somebody that I've been hanging out with for a week and being like a two-hour car ride with that person and then have that trust that person to bring him back to the airport and have the whole thing. They had breakfast together, talked about me and what was happening and all the stuff. Like they supported each other. And so what an unbelievably miraculous situation. Crazy. I am so, I don't even know, blessed is a big enough word, you guys. Like my life, it means something. And I think everybody's life means something. It does, but we forget. We forget that what a miracle it is just to be able to stand up from a couch because there's people that can't or breathe on our own because there's people that aren't right now. There's a lot of things. It's true that we just get used to having in our lives that when we get faced with that, oh my God, this person's going to be gone. Then we kind of freak out and almost have this selfish feeling of, well, I want them to know that I care about them. Well, maybe you should have wanted them to know you cared about them for months before just right now. You know what I'm saying? So I have long-standing, long-time clients who I reached out to during this time. And if I haven't contacted you yet, I'm only doing two a day. So you'll probably hear from me in the coming days because we probably have something on the books. And I'm like, I can't work yet. And I'm like, I'm OK. And here's what's up. And I give them access to me. Why? Because they have given me access to them. I have intimate access to people in their lives and their personal feelings, their struggles, their deep intimate emotions. And I respect the fact that I've had that. And so they're going to get that from me. They get to know what's up with me. They need to ask me a question about me and what's happening or whatever. They get to do that. They get to. Because we have built a relationship of support, of kindness, and understanding. And that's what life is about, you guys. It's about that. Because had I not had that, I wouldn't be a fucking alive right now. If she wouldn't have grabbed my hand and said, I'm calling it, I could have been dead. If I would have waited two more hours, one more hour, I could have died in the ambulance. Do you understand? Like, that's how serious this was. I literally, I can't even bat them. I cannot comprehend it. I cannot accept the fact that I could have died. But the people around me were scared to death themselves. They were like, oh, my god. Oh, my god. And then they're googling up what I had. And they're like, people don't survive this. It's like a 50% success rate. I'm like, yeah. But those people are like, 80. I'm 50. And that's the other reason, too. The doctor's like, we don't understand how this happened. This is a strange phenomena. Maybe you have a connective tissue disease. Maybe you have a vascular disease. There's got to be some underlying genetic component or something. We need to find this out. You really need to look into these things, because there has to be a reason why this happened to you. And I'm like, yeah, no shit. Stress. How about stress? How about a broken fucking heart just about killed me? I'm not kidding. I am a psychic person. I understand energy. And I know the power of those things can hurt you and can help you. And so guess what? I was constantly punishing myself. I was holding onto a past. I was holding onto an illusion of who I thought I should be or how. I don't even know. There's depth. There's so much complication in that. I have to talk about that more deeply and long term. But it's like I couldn't let go of what wasn't good for me and healthy for me. I couldn't let go. I just couldn't let go. I just thought it was my fault. And I'm not worthy of love or I'm not a good person, not even I had a good person. I always knew I was a good person. But I'm not like I deserve to be in pain. This isn't supposed to be easy. My heart should ache. And the truth is that's not true. That's bullshit. That is bullshit. We should not be causing ourselves pain. And if other people are causing us pain, we should cut them loose. We should not let them tear apart our hearts. Cut them loose. Cut the old value system, whether it's your mom or dad in heaven and their old value system or whether it's an old love or a lost love, whatever. Or your old self, old version of yourself telling you stuff that just isn't fitting anymore. Just cut it loose, cut it loose. It's hard to do I know because I've been trying for years. This is what happened. I'm grateful to be here on this Sunday. I'm going to go refill my coffee. I might actually do some tea because I kind of have to be careful about the caffeine now. I actually had breakfast. I had an egg sandwich with avocado, a gluten-free bread. And what else did she make me? Oh, she brought me because she worked at the hospital all night. So she brought me fruit, a cup of fruit, like fresh fruit. She's like, here, you want one fresh fruit? I'm like, yeah, that'd be great. I'm like, oh, yummy. So I was so good and my tummy was so happy. So yeah, it's good to tell. That was nice. I got to call home, though, and check in at home to and see what's up with the husband and the kiddo and see what everybody else is doing. So I hope you guys have a good weekend. It's nice to be seen. I'm going to tell you that I am going to try to show up tomorrow. I don't know if I'm going to channel. I'm not really sure if that's going to be a good idea yet or not. It kind of just depends on how things unfold. But I know I need to channel Matthew Perry. Of course I would because I love friends and I love his energy. And I would love to just have a conversation about the heart piece with him because I get the feeling that that's part of his process. Although that might be a little too close to home for me right now. Who will see? I don't know. But I've inspired your spirit and filled you with some hope today and encourage you to live your life. This is your life after all. And you get to live it. Just live it. Thanks for being here.