 Good evening, rap uses back through again Packing a fact filled truth, laden juice, bulletin Today we crossed to Russia, where the world's eyes have duly been fixed Wondering who will win a confusing, brutal, crucial and ruthless struggle Between sovereign states, the Winter Olympics An indie Olympic village we have a live report from Ivan Sakharmanov To bring us up to the minute Ivan Sakharmanov in Sochi So the games have just finished? Duh, but sense of unity in Olympic spirit Not diminished, this event has been great success No discontent, no boycott, no complaints and no dogs It's the best Many strong, straight athletes Bit their strength in manly figure skating Double luge and we kept our ring clenched Sorry to interrupt, Ivan, but there's breaking news I hear that Russian troops are occupying the Ukrainian province of Crimea However, it might appear This is not to strike fear This is the next fun sport event we organise here What do you mean? Well, now that Sochi fun time has finished We launch whole new competition The Paralympics? No, more thrilling The paramilitary tournament I present our hero team captain, Vladimir Putin Privet, dear friend It is great honour for me to open officially paramilitary games in sepa-stoffel today We have many very nice events to compete in For example, Patriotic flag waving Russia winning Multiple naval base siege First place Russian team Sniper contest in Maidan Square, Kiev That prize went to George Soros and NATO, I believe Next match, which state got most nuclear weapons up its sleeve? Russia have many nukes Ukraine, zero Wait, someone's calling in from Kiev It's Yulia Timoshenko I wish to make official complaint Against the Zaryk game, the Kremlin break rules What? Vlad, let me explain Ukraine agrees to give out its nuclear weapons On condition that our borders are respected This sets a clear precedent Which will start nuclear arms race again That race never ended And Russia way ahead Mr Putin, it's time for main event Which team has most access to gas fields and pipelines in Ukraine? This is a tight race, still going on We have a close tie between Team Exxon and Team Gasprom You invaded Ukraine Invited, Robert, we invite Now we have referendum to let Crimean people decide You had your so new you will see you Sorry, I don't quite... You cannot understand Russia with your mind Okay, thank you Ivan and Vladimir Putin Your coverage of these events seems balanced, fair and neutral Now let's move to the western media for its take on this theme Stand by as we tune into a dangerous frequency Mainstream TV This is the news I'm Brian Washington You're an MSMBS In the prime time slot for some uncompromising hard talk Tonight's headlines Huge plane crash Three Americans die And in the rest of the world Hey Russ, Putin Russia invades Ukraine and threatens to start shooting To explain the situation that's gotten very tense We speak with Secretary of State John Kerry Next John, welcome to Buckshot Good to have you with me Bucky, let's be clear Russia's on the wrong side of history I mean sending in ground troops to invade another country That's not fitting for a superpower this century Yeah, they didn't use missile strikes Drone attacks or uranium shells are shocking all massacres They haven't even killed any people Amateurs When we went into Iraq We left a million fatalities And Russia's gone in on a completely trumped up pretext When you voted for Iraq to take the heat next You had hard proof of WMD And the Tzedamid hidden them And in Libya we went into protect civilians We must defend the rule of war I mean of law Well said We'll be back for more after a message from our sponsor Your view of the world Bought from you by Chevron So, how will we liberate Ukraine's gas fields? I mean people with sanctions, bucky We need to remind those russkis and pooping zazz That we'll exploit all resources out of disposal Including gas Sadly, Russians are so brainwashed by propaganda They lack free speech laws and media standards And they don't have open news networks like ours Sure, I bet they're pushing hard for war Let's do it in for a sample Better option Who's this aparat cheque using free speech on the Kremlin News? This is not the script we meant to use Now I soak up views like the Cold War game Load the nukes Abid is your president Climbing a humanitarian intervention is so cute I'm just telling it like I see it from my own view Last I checked, that's what journalists were supposed to do Is this sarcasm? It's having balls to show the truth Maybe more reporters and channels can grow some too Well, that's about all the time we have left for inspecting This latest war that's raging Not between military aggressors But between their respective mass media weapons Which pink conflict is games of good against evil When in fact both sides are often equally mistaken Amid this frenzy in the media One thing should remain clear Lack of thinking on our part is the only true thing to fear So until next broadcast Be sure to be critical of every new source that appears Including, of course, this one right here