 Bismillahirrahmanirrahim, Alhamdulillahi Rabbil Alameen. As-salatu wa s-salamu ala sharaf al-anbiya wa al-mursaleen. Sayyidina Muhammad wa al-Alihi wa sahabati ajma'in. Allahumma alimna ma yinfa'unah wa fa'nabimma al-lamtina wa zidna al-man. So we start with the family and friends class on ground rules. It's about practicing relevant skills. We'll talk about different skills that we'll practice in this class. The idea is to put them into practice in the session so that they're easy to use outside of the session. It gets boring if it's just about learning it intellectually. But if you can really see, especially today's session, if you can really conjure up situations on how to apply the information in your life, then it is a little bit easier to engage. This is based off of CRAF, it's evidence-based family training manual to help family members navigate addiction. All right, so this week's topic is chapter six about limits. And what's interesting is that it talks about the previous chapters as you understand addiction and as you practice self-care and damage-controlled tools, such as awareness, coping, tolerating skills, taking care of yourself, being able to take care of yourself and strengthening yourself and also having a better understanding of how people actually change and addiction, you'll start to become surprised at your resilience. If you apply these skills, you'll start to feel, in a lot of ways, you'll start to feel the results. So you might learn how to tolerate more, live with more, and you may feel your limits are more flexible and expanding, but in the second paragraph of this chapter, it talks about, sure, in theory, you can handle anything, but in the real world, everyone has their limits. So coping doesn't mean pretending everything's okay. It doesn't mean lying to yourself or anyone else about what's okay and how much you can take. Sometimes you can't take something and sometimes you shouldn't put up with one more disappointment or one more issue. So what this goes on to talk about now is your limits and it goes over four bullet points. Number one is knowing your limits because we all have unique limits based on our childhood experiences and we get to know our limits based on our own past experiences with our loved ones. The second one is reading the signs that lead up to our limits. Because if we can understand the signs that lead up to our limits, then we can make a course change and then setting your limits and then living with your limits. So knowing your limits. You can think of your limits as boundaries or you can use the word personal thresholds or you can use the words life rules or expectations. Whatever word rings true to you. Everybody has different words that will resonate with them. Me personally, I like life rules. Whatever you call them, they demarcate your emotional and physical wellbeing. The one thing to know about limits is limits can be flexible. So one day you can take more than you thought you could. Maybe you're having a good day. Maybe you're able to apply the skills that you're learning. So one day you may feel like you can take more than you think you can. While the other day it might be the opposite. Maybe you're not able to take as much as you could. So there's a lot of variables and what we can take on any given day. The idea is it's like running a marathon. It's important to recognize that it takes strength to realize that you have reached your limits. So any bodybuilder, any martial artist, anybody with physical strength, they know their limits and that allows them to continue to grow strong or continue to reach their goals or continue to reach success. Think about a marathon runner. Every part of the marathon has its own parts. So the end of the marathon, you'll get a burst and at that time you'll need to leverage that burst to make it to the finish line faster. But if you use that same burst in the middle or the beginning, you'll burn out and not even make it to the finish line. Addiction recovery is a lot like a marathon where you have to pace yourself. So the runner is constantly being aware of his limits and constantly regulating himself or herself in order to go faster or go slower and be successful. This is about being successful and what we're setting out to do, it's not about being selfish. It's not about, these are my limits. This is what I need to do for me. This is about winning the race together. Everybody getting to the finish line together. And when we are able to know our limits and avoid sort of losing it, then we are more effective with our loved ones anyway. We're more successful. It's a really simple chapter. It's deep. There's a lot here I would absolutely read it to get a good understanding of it, but it goes into knowing your limits. The next section is reading the signs. The next section is setting your limits. Next section is living your limits. So the first part we're going into is knowing your limits. To know your limits, consider interactions with your loved ones in the past. Like interactions where you feel you've lost it, when your emotions have just spiraled into abnormal distress, you lost your temper, maybe it's uncontrolled crying, rage. That's the example of losing or crossing your limits. Maybe you've said something that you'd regret. You said something that's not in line with your values or your image of yourself or the type of person that you want to be. Our loved ones with addiction push us to our extremes. Or maybe crossing your limit was a conversation that stayed in your head after you had a conversation with your loved ones. It stayed in your head, you're ruminating about it. These are all clues that you are over your limit. It gives a really good exercise. It talks about asking yourself some questions to help see if you've reached your limit. So question number one, do you find yourself doing or saying things in the moment that you regret later? Does this ring true to you? If it does, then what's gonna be talked about in the coming sections should be helpful. Here's some more questions. Are you acting in ways that do not match your internal image of yourself or the image of the person you would like to be? Another question, do you notice an overwhelming amount of tension, overwhelming resentment or frustration building up within you when dealing with your loved one with addiction? Do you feel just mentally or physically not okay, just not okay? The section goes on to talk about if you've answered any of these questions, yes. You may be living beyond your limits. You may be telling yourself you can handle more than you reasonably can. And then it says, I'm gonna say it verbatim, dealing with another person's substance problems can stretch you until you've completely lost sight of what a reasonable limit is anymore. Step by step, we become like, who are we even more anymore? Are loved with addiction, but then ourselves as well. And this is a very normal experience that happens. Okay, now the bottom line, this is not a solid ground being beyond your limits. This is not a solid ground for the helping work. So again, first part of the book that we went over is understanding addiction. The second part which we're finishing out, this is the last chapter by the way, of the second section, which is self-care and damage control. Then the third section, the largest section is how do we help our loved ones? So the bottom line is if we're living beyond our limits, we're not on a solid ground for doing all the helping work that is to come in the rest of the chapters. When we're living beyond our limits, it's like this miserable place. It's a desperate place. It's a place that's an ineffective state for helping. Knowing our limits gives us this foresight to avoid a loss of control or a feeling of loss of control. So if you expect to have limitless patience, if that's your strategy, I'm just gonna have limitless patience. You'll be more vulnerable to run out of it because that's just not possible for a human being. So knowing your limits, it's not gonna change the situation, but it makes the situations more predictable and it makes it so you can plan ahead and avoid situations. What situations? Situations you know will push you over the edge. Situations where you lose your temper or you say the thing you regret or you cry so much, you feel out of control or you otherwise don't recognize yourself. The goal is to honestly assess your limits rather than feel bad when you run into them. You wanna get ahead of it. In the beginning of this path of working with our loved ones with addiction, we often think if they just stopped behaving this way, your limits wouldn't get crossed, end of story, right? If they just stopped behaving this way, my limits wouldn't get crossed and that's true. We're not excusing the bad behavior. We're not implying that your reactions to the bad behavior are the problem, but you can help your loved one get sober and also be honest with yourself that this may be a longer process than you initially thought. You can do those things simultaneously. You can help your loved one stop the substances and while that's getting worked out, the goal is to honestly assess your limits rather than feeling bad when you run into them. Okay, now we're the second section of this chapter. Now, when you become aware of your limits or what it means to overstep your limits, now it's about reading the signs that lead up to the limits. Now it's about reading the signs that lead up to the limits because if we can get the signs, then we can avoid crossing those limits and breaking our rules. So there's a variety of factors that actually make up our limits. This is a pretty interesting discussion because we all have our limits that are different. Everybody has a different set of limits and that's because of many factors. So one of them is let's say our moods or our life situations that fluctuates from day to day. So if I come back from a hard day of work, my limits are gonna be very different than if I just came back from a vacation and some of this is outside of our control. So some of our limits to some extent are outside of our control. So all of us have different life situations, different schedules, so our limits are gonna be different and those limits are gonna fluctuate day to day and within the day in a different way. Also childhood experiences may influence our limits and that's something important to keep in mind that childhood experiences, the way we've been carved out are gonna influence what our limits are. And again, childhood experiences are outside of our control. So the first paragraph of this subsection reading the signs says your own, the first sentence, your own experience is the best teacher. Limits tend to follow certain patterns. If you can examine how you respond to events, if you can get to a safe space and then think honestly about how you respond to certain events and your interactions with your loved one, that's the best way to understand your limits. Now think about it theoretically, but think about what has happened in my past experience with my loved one and what are the signs, my own personal signs that I'm crossing your limit? So I'm gonna just go into the book on page 122. These are some questions you can ask yourself to help you recognize your own signs. Number one, are there types or topics of discussions you've had with your loved one that always go badly? Maybe a certain topic or discussion is the sign that you should maneuver out of that before you hit your limit. Number two, in what situations have you felt pushed over the edge? If you can actually think up some scenarios in the past, take some time to visually conjure up that memory in your memory bank and go through it play by play, then you can start mapping out what are the signs before the limit? What is the limit? And then how do I act once I cross the limit? And by the way, the loved one with addiction, there's this idea that once we overcome the loved one with addiction, we've succeeded. If you can look at the journey from the end, all of these skills that you learn to survive addiction, they're all skills that you can take with you to be happier and successful in your life once you overcome this issue. So knowing your limits and mastering yourself, this isn't something simply for addiction. And then once addiction's over, you can hang it up. These are incredible tools that test us to see who we are and master ourselves and take that to all of our goals. And this is where addiction is a gift and a great teacher. So the third question that help us recognize our warning signs, has your loved one spoken or acted in ways that you find intolerable? Are there certain things that they say? Next question, has your loved one gotten into emotional states, maybe rage, maybe anger that you felt you couldn't handle? Here's a good one that we can all relate to. Do you extend yourself in ways that you later regret, such as lending money, giving time, or doing chores? These are signs that if we do it once and then twice and then three times, overextending ourselves, like if this is our limit and our breaking point, overextending ourselves, this would be a sign of overextending then this is another sign, this is another sign and this is crossing the limit. So maybe lending money or giving time once is giving our loved ones a benefit of the doubt, twice is just making sure we're not missing anything three or four times. This might start leading towards us overstepping our limits and going over the edge. That's not to say that we can never lend our loved ones money again, never give them time again. What I'm saying is what we wanna do is avoid going over our limits. Say you can take a break, take some space, recuperate, collect yourself, re-energize, recharge and then you can always try that again but you don't wanna try that when you're on the edge. I'm gonna try that when you're back in formation in the middle. And then it talks about four signs or four types of signs. One is emotions, the second is physical sensations. The third is thoughts and the fourth is actions. So these are four classes of signs that you can look into to start seeing if you're getting close to your limit. So one thing to know about emotional signs like fear, anger, hurt or despair is that emotions are like a wave, a surge. They will slowly build up and progress in an arc and then they'll also leave us. So this too shall pass. So when we can see them swelling up in us and then also see the trajectory of that emotion, then we can know that maybe we need to take a break, pause, remove ourselves from the situation, practice some acceptance or do something in order to make sure that that trend doesn't end up getting out of control. Second one is physical sensations. So sometimes it's hard to be in touch with our emotions that does take some skill. Physical sensations are really helpful like neck aches, back aches, stomach aches, anxiety, shaking, nervousness, eye twitching. Sometimes physical sensations are a sign that we're getting towards our limit and then thoughts. So thoughts are great signs. So some thoughts are, I can't take this anymore. Why does this always happen to me? My loved one takes me for granted. So there can be some thoughts where we start to really feel like we're getting to a point where the situation's close to becoming a catastrophe. Some of it might be the way we're thinking about it, but some of it might simply be related to the situation. So when those thoughts come up, it can be helpful to use them as a warning sign and also actions. These subsections are, there's a lot of good stuff in there. So I hesitate to breeze past them, but I also want to, for the sake of time, keep it moving. And I would encourage you to read more of that. It's really well written. The next section is setting your limits. All right. So now this is like, I know I have limits. I've come to that point. I'm not invincible. I'm not going to present an unhelpable, helpable version of myself to myself. I'm going to be honest with my limits. And then number two is I'm going to look at the warning signs that allow me to course correct before I hit my limit. Now it's about setting your limits because ignoring the signs that lead up to your limits may lead you to break your breaking point and then hitting that breaking point can lead you to do things you regret or set progress that you've made, set that back. So in the moment that you break, your reaction feels justified because you're overwhelmed and not thinking straight. On the other hand, if you can see your breaking point half a mile down the road before you're overwhelmed and in it, you can slow down, pull over, adjust your expectations and set a limit. You can pump your breaks before you break. And then it talks about knowing the difference between breaking, like pumping the breaks and breaking, like breaking our values, breaking ourselves. So I'm going to go ahead and go straight to the book on this one on page 124. It gives three scenarios. First scenario, a breaking point. This is the third night in a row that my loved ones come home late, disappointed the family, and I'm going to get them when they come home. I'm going to give it to them when they come home. So this would be an example of a breaking point. The alternative of that, like a break, like a pumping the breaks point is, okay, I've been in my head all day. I've been angry all day. When they come back, I'm going to lose it. I need some time to cool off. I'm going to take the kids or take a friend or whatever to a movie or to go out or to visit a friend, go to the Muschid. So we can just get some space. We can have fun or we can find some peace. So you get the difference between the two reactions. The two reactions can both lead to very different things. One can lead to temporary relief, but long-term problems. And the other one can lead to us feeling better and continuing to make progress against our goals and with progress on our strategies. The next breaking point example is, I'm tired and cranky, but I can't let them get away with going to bed early again. I'm going to insist that they clean the kitchen and do their chores, even though I know they're intoxicated. And I know that it's going to end up in a fight. So that's like a break, broken break point, a breaking point. Now the opposite example, the alternative example, the pumping your breaks point is I'm so tired. I'm so cranky. If I have to interact with this person, it's not going to end well. And I'm going to do something that I regret later. I'm just going to order takeout. So I don't have to worry about a messy kitchen. And I'll talk to them about cleaning up tomorrow when they're sober and I'm rested and they can hear me. So again, both options are options. You can choose both of those options. You don't have to avoid your loved one. It's not your responsibility that they want and use substances. And you don't have to tiptoe around them. But at the same time, you can look at the goals and see which one leads to something that is more constructive. And then the final example is he spends so much money. This is a breaking point. He spends so much money on drugs. I can't stop worrying about the finances, their future, their school, their work. And I'm having a stomach ache all the time because of my anxiety and pain. And then the pumping of breaks point is if I got a separate bank account or if I stopped bailing them out of their financial issues, I could at least protect my income from going towards their habit and not overextending myself and leading to a breaking point. So those are really good examples. There's a lot of examples, but these really illustrate the point very well. The next section. The next section is living your limits. So determining a limit and living your limit are not the same thing. You might be relieved by your decision not to pick them up at the train when they've been using drugs. They can walk or find a ride home. You may celebrate that, but following through can bring on a new challenge of anxiety and guilt. So living with the limits that you set requires having conviction in their validity, plus tolerating your loved ones reactions when you stand by them. There might be some guilt, some anxiety, but you want to measure that against what you're trying to achieve. And you wanna measure that against the long run. So the long run in terms of what makes most sense for them stopping drugs and alcohol, what's the next right thing to do to gain long-term success and the short run in what's gonna help me not go over my limit, overextend myself and make it through. So you're allowed to have limits. There's a value and benefit to know what your limits are. Living in your limits is what is best for your loved one with addiction. We're not doing them favors by overextending ourselves. We're not doing them favors by having limitless patients and letting them walk over us. We're actually feeding their addiction and enabling it many times. So what's good for us is often what's good for them. That's amazing within itself, that that's how this is designed. So the next point is start small and practice living your limits. None of these things are skills that you go out there and tend to be perfect on. You wanna start small and practice your limits and prepare for change. There's one limit that is important to discuss and that is violence. And this is something that is common in addiction and this is a phone call, email conversation that we have with many different relationships, many different types of relationships, of spousal relationships, parent-child relationships and other relationships as well. Point number one, take your feelings of being in danger seriously. When people use drugs and alcohol, they themselves act in ways that they regret later. So the argument that they won't go down this route because I know my loved one, it doesn't work because when intoxicants are in the picture, personalities change, people's instincts change, people do things that they themselves are very confused about. And it's important to understand that if you feel like you're in danger, you should take that seriously. Number two, it's number two because it's something that we should get out right away is call 911 or call the emergency services if you are in danger. That should be something you're willing to do because the violence to you is potential violence to other loved ones in the house. Number three, get informed. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a resource that you can look up online and call to learn more in regards to how to navigate this problem. Getting support by learning about what to do, processing these problems and talking about them are gonna be important. The last three bullet points I wanted to mention. Number one is pack a bag. In situations when you feel violence is a theme or a possibility. That's an overnight bag with items you would need if you had to stay away and keep the bag in a safe accessible place and maybe a hidden place. The National Domestic Hotline again has a checklist of items that you can include. And then the second to last one is plan your exit. So when they escalate, you wanna escalate. They stand up, you wanna stand up, maybe be cognizant of where the exit is in that room or in the house. If you have children depending on their age you may wanna talk to them about safety and exit strategies. And they talk about more things here that are important to be aware of. This isn't gonna apply to everyone but for those that it does, I would take this seriously. The last slide is the reference to the book that we are going over here. We can open it up for questions. People in the webinar, you can ask questions, you can chat them in, they'll be private and nobody else in the webinar will be able to see it. And then we'll go from there.