 Willard Waterman as the Great Gilder Sleeve. This time, a new adventure of the Great Gilder Sleeve, written by Virginia Stafford Lynn. Does Miss Birdie Lee Coggins live here? Yes, she does. May I see her, please? Yes, or just step inside. Thank you. Are you waiting in the living room? I'll call Birdie. Thank you very much. You're welcome. I'll get her. Who is that, Leroy? Somebody to see Birdie. Holy cat, son. Birdie must have a new boyfriend. Oh, no. Not another boyfriend. We almost lost her the last time. What did we better do, Uncle? I told him I'd call her. Well, then we'll have to call her. Oh, Birdie. Oh, Birdie. We tried them. Yeah. Well, we just have to tell him we couldn't find her. Did somebody call me? Oh. Well, we didn't think we did. Excuse me, please. We called you by mistake. Yeah, Birdie. Have to tell the truth. There's a gentleman to see you in the living room. To see me? Did he give his name? No, he didn't, Birdie. Well, I'd better go in and see who it is. Yeah, I suppose you'll have to. No, wait, Birdie. You forgot your apron. Here, I want tie-up. Oh, thank you, Leroy. I just wonder who it can be. Yo, I don't imagine it's anyone you like very much. You just be wasting your time. I don't know until I know who it is. I wonder who it can be. Oh. Oh, good afternoon, sir. Er, Miss Birdie Lee Coggin. Yes, sir. My name is Beckman. Well, please. Beckman, Beckman and Murphy. Pleased to meet them, too. I'm an attorney. Oh, you mean somebody's suing me? Oh, no, no, no. Quite the contrary. You mean I'm suing somebody? No. No, let me explain. But first, you'd best sit down. I'm the bearer of sad tidings. Maybe I better sit down there. It'll be a severe shock, but you must brace yourself and be brave. I'm brazed and brave. Miss Coggins, it's my sad duty to inform you that your dear old uncle Ezekiel has passed away. My dear old Ezekiel? You must try to bear up, Miss Coggins. I will. Who's he? Your dear old uncle. I ain't got any dear old uncle Ezekiel. Your father's youngest brother, who ran away, went very young. Ain't that no good uncle C? Yes, you're no good... You're a dear uncle C. He died. Oh, he ran away to the West Indies and made lots of money in Cobra. Then he retired to England. He passed away a short while ago and left you, his dear niece, a modest legacy. Uncle Ezekiel left me a legacy? Ha! Go along with you. Here's the letter from the law firm in England. Why, it says three thousand. That's a lot of money. That's right, a modest little legacy. Well, if I weren't already sitting down, I'd sure as anything sit down now. Tell me more, Mr. Beckman. Tell me to take it in yet. But what I do... You're sitting here in the kitchen all by yourself. So we won't be tempted to listen at the keyhole. What keyhole is it you're not listening at? Living on keyhole. Bertie's in there. We're afraid she's got a new boyfriend. Oh, no, you've had so many narrow squeaks. It'd be awful if Bertie did get married this time and go away. Well, we're pretty worried, Marjorie. We're fishing on major calamity. Oh, excuse me. I got something to tell you. Oh, Bertie, has your caller left? Yes, sir. And I got something to tell you. You decided you don't like him after all? You wondered what you ever saw in him. You never annoy you again. No, I didn't. Oh, Bertie, you'd better tell us. When is the wedding to be? When? You mean you thought that man wanted me to pass all my time with him? Something like that. Oh, why, that was Mr. Beckman. He's no boyfriend. He's a lawyer. Zeke. Tell me about my Uncle Zeke. Who did what? $2,300. Bertie, you don't mean it. Wonderful news. Yeah, we couldn't be happier. Yes. That money over in England. And by the terms of the will, I got to go over there to get it. I can go to England? You wouldn't be lost with your party. We couldn't possibly get along without you, Bertie. But that's the only way I can get the money over in England. Yes, Bertie. That's the only way. I guess you're going to England. Babe, what can I do for you today? I guess nobody can do anything for me today or any day. We're all so upset about losing Bertie. She's still going to England? No, it's all set, I guess. Judge Hooker's looking into it. It'll turn out to be just a hoax? No, we've got to be unselfish about this and think of Bertie. Yes, we must think only of Bertie's good fortune. That's what I keep telling myself. When I think of trying to get along with Otter, I feel as if I'd swallowed a piece of cold wet. Well, greetings, gentlemen. Oh, hello, Judge. Hello, Judge Hooker. Is this a private wake or can I join in? And I do not mean that facetiously. I can't stand the thought of losing Bertie either. And I'm afraid we're going to. You mean it's all in the up and up? For Bertie's sake, I am happy to report that the entire matter is exactly as represented. Bertie's uncle Ezekiel passed away in England and left her a modest inheritance. If she wants it, she'll have to go to England. Well, that's fine. I'm certainly glad to hear it. Such good news I could bust into tears. Well, I don't know how anyone's going to get along without Bertie, but we mustn't think of anything but Bertie's good fortune. I can hardly think of Bertie's good fortune for thinking of our bad fortune. After all these years, why our house without Bertie would cave in or something? She... wait a minute. Yeah, I just thought of something. We needn't be so downhearted. Listen to this. She's got to go to England to spend the money. Okay, she spends the money and when it's gone, she'll come back home to us. I certainly should come right back home to us. Why should she? Why should she? Who's side are you on? I'm trying to think of what's best for Bertie. That's why I felt it my duty to advise her to invest her modest little legacy in a modest little business in England. Yeah, then she'd never come back. Why did you give her that advice? You old goat. Now she'll never come back to us. Well, I was just trying to do my good deed for the day. You did it all right. Yeah, when you feel low and depressed, who makes you feel worse every time? Your friend and mine a laughing boy. Gildy! Don't you think that I'll misbird it too? All right, then stop being so confounded cheery about it. Well, I try to keep a smiling face even at the thought of losing Bertie. My word, that is an awful thought, losing Bertie. That warm, friendly smile. Big kind heart. My, my. And those wonderful pies and cakes. And her fried chicken. And apple panned outie. And in her unselfish devotion. Her chicken fricassee. Her pot roasts and potato pancakes. And what are you going to miss the most, Bertie or her cooking? Present out of my own lounge. Well, we mustn't load her down with excess baggage. I try to get something she can use in England. Like a shilling? Yeah, some of those. Oh, I'll get it. Okay. Hello. Mr. Governor's name. Oh, yes, Pee-Pee. Could you suggest a little going away gift I could give Bertie? Well, we've all tried to stick to something she can use in England. Hey, that's an excellent idea. Thank you, Mr. Gildersleeve. See you later. Yeah, don't mention it. Yes. Yo, just a second, Bertie. Hello. Hello, Gilder. Yo, hello, Judge. Would you tell Bertie that I'll have all the papers for about three this afternoon in my office? Yeah, thank you, Judge. You've been very kind to handle all this for Bertie. Well, I was only too delighted to do it. Oh, by the way, Gilder, tell me some little thing that I can give Bertie for a going away present. Well, I'd stick to something she'd have some use for in London. I'll keep that in mind. See you later, Gilder. Goodbye, Judge. Mr. Gildersleeve. Coming, Bertie. That was Judge Hooker, and he'd like to see you in his office about three o'clock. Oh, my, the Judge has been so kind to do all these things for me. I still just can't believe I'm always ready to start to England. Bertie, when I brought this packing case you wanted in your room, look what I found, my old teddy bear. What? You used to take that to bed with you every night. And Bertie's kept it all these years. Well, I thought maybe someday you'd have a little boy who'd like to take it to bed with him, too. Gee, Bertie, I don't know if I can finish growing up without you to look after me. Leroy, remember how happy we are about Bertie's good fortune. Oh, yeah, sure. Thanks for keeping it for me, Bertie. That was swell. You're welcome. Mr. Gildersleeve, can you lift down my suitcase now? Oh, sure, Bertie. There on the closet shelf? Yeah. My, it's a big one. Yes, indeed. Bertie's got lots of treasures to take to England. Oh, look out for the word basket, Mr. Gildersleeve. You want word basket? Oh, my goodness. Yeah, I'll pick up the spools, Bertie. What are all those socks? Oh, those are my socks. I forgot to darn them, Mr. Gildersleeve. Oh, Bertie, when I think of all the socks you've darned for me and all the kind things you've done for all of us and the way you've worked so hard for us. Oh, remember, happy thoughts and gladness. Oh, yes, yes, indeed. Yeah, I just wanted Bertie to know how much we appreciate her. That was all. It was my happiness to do it. You who worries everybody. Yeah, we're in Bertie's room, Marjorie. Hi, Marge. Come on in and have a good laugh at the whaling wall. Bertie, look. I finally found my fitted overnight bag up in our attic. Oh, Miss Marge, that's my sweet of you to let me have it. It was just up there gathering dust. And look, here's something else. It was up there gathering dust. What are those pots and pans from the pygmies? You know, they're little pots and pans that Bertie used to teach me how to cook. Oh, Bertie, whenever you'd make a cake or a pie or just anything you'd have to make me one, too. Oh, Bertie. No, no, Marjorie. We don't want to make Bertie feel bad. Masquerade and candy, Marge. Oh, yes, I know. I turned out to be such a good cook that Bronco's going to have to go on a diet. Isn't that funny? Well, now you folks just got to quit all this because I'm not going to change my mind about leaving. This is the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me and nothing's going spoiled. Why, Bertie, we wouldn't want you to change your mind. We think it's swell that you're going to leave. We really and truly want you to go, Bertie. Well, that's good, because you sounded like you're glad to get rid of him. No, no. No, no, no, Bertie, no. Oh, excuse me. I better go see who's at the front door. Yeah, Bertie, please try to understand how we feel. Oh, I understand. But I never knew before that being rich made so many problems. I'll see who's at the door. Oh, thank you, Bertie. Now, listen, Leroy and Margie, we've got to be more careful. We mustn't spoil it by letting her know how we feel about losing it. Gee whiz, I can't tell the wrong thing to say from the right thing. Poor Bertie, I know she hates to leave us, too. Oh, that reminds me. What could Bronco and I give her as a going away present? Well, I know she'd enjoy anything, but be sure it's something she can get some use out of in England. Miss Gil Sleeves? Yeah, who was at the door, Bertie? The Emporium just delivered this big box addressed to me. What shall I do about it? Well, the best thing would be to open it. Well, I didn't order anything sent out from the Emporium. Yeah, well, perhaps somebody else did. You go ahead and open it, Bertie. Well, I just give a little peek. Oh, here's a card to Bertie with best wishes from a grateful employer. Why, Miss Gil, please. See what's under the tissue paper. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my God. Oh, I never saw such a beautiful coat in all my life. Oh, Mr. Gil Sleeves. Well, after all, an heiress in London must look her best, you know. I just don't know how to thank it. Well, Bertie, the fact that you like it is all the thanks I need. You go on, try it on. Here, oh, I'll need my dad. Oh, Bertie, look how it fits. Look in the mirror. Oh, it's the most beautiful coat I ever had. I just never was so happy in all my life. All the excitement inherent in the money, going to England, everybody being so kind to me, leaving you all. Well, come right in, Bertie. So much last-minute packing. No, no, no, right on time. Sit down, sit down. Thanks. So I can give you all your papers. Now, here's your passport, your railroad ticket, your steamship ticket, and the billboard. Damn. Did it cost that much? Oh, yes. Your trip will take a sizeable chunk out of your inheritance. But, of course, not as much as the taxes. What taxes do you mean? The inheritance tax in England, the inheritance tax in America. Then there's the fee to the English solicitors, as well as Beckman, Beckman, and Murphy, who handled it over here. Things have to come out of my inheritance. Oh, yes, Bertie. It's hard for you to figure it all out because of the difference in currency. Pound, shillings, and guineas, and so forth. One pound is 20 shillings and so on. But don't you worry, I'll have it all figured out for you, Bertie. Well, if you don't mind, Judge Hooker, I just assumed you didn't. Now, you sure I'll have some of this inheritance left and I won't wind up owing them money? Well, no, Bertie. You'll have a little of it left. I just don't see how there's any rich people in the world. Why is that, Bertie? People got to be all rich just to keep them going to the poor. Yeah, what's that you got there, Bertie? Well, Judge Hooker very kindly gave me a going-away present. Something he said I could use in London. Well, that was very nice. Now, what's left to do here, Bertie? Yeah, we want to get you to the train in plenty of time. Mr. Giltsman. Oh, Bertie, I brought you a little going-away gift. Bronco and I wanted to give you something that would be useful in England. Oh, I'll get it. Why, Miss Marge, you've already done so much for me. Well, think of all the years you've done so much for us. Speed, come here. I just dropped in to wish Bertie bon voyage and to leave a small traveling gift from Mrs. Peavey and Mattel. Oh, Mr. Peavey, you and Miss Peavey shouldn't have done this. Now, whenever you use it in England, just think of us. Here, Bertie, just a little present but it's something you can use in England. Why, Leroy, what a nice thing for you to do. Thank you very much. I'll put it right here beside the other presents. Holy catch, where did they come from? Judge Hooker, Mr. and Mrs. Peavey, Bronco and Marge, everybody gave me something to use in England. Yeah, but Bertie, what are you going to do with four umbrellas? She'll be the driest person in London. Because I'm not going to England. What do you mean, Bertie? I'm not money for the trip, for the lawyers. Bertie, you mean you're just giving up the money? I'm not going to London and I'm going to have the... Where am I saying? I think that's... Oh, Bertie, I'm so happy. I'm speechless with joy. I'm so happy I can't even speak. All I can say is... Zeke! Zeke! Then all I'll say is, welcome home. Would you please sew a button on this shirt? Just a second, Mr. Gil Sleeve. I gotta finish iron and the ruffles on this Marge is Jess. See, Bertie, have I got a clean t-shirt? Upstairs in your bureau jar. Oh, Bertie, there's a spot on the front of this coat. Can you get it off? Yes, sir, just as soon as I... Bertie, could you fix me a sandwich and a glass of milk? Just as soon as I... You spoiled your dinner, Leroy. Can we have an early dinner, Bertie? You know, I'm star. Now, just a minute back up there. I can't do 50 things all at the same time. Played by Willard Waterman, and is produced and directed by Virgil Reimer. Musical compositions by Jack Meakin. Included in the cast were Walter Tetley, Amanda Randolph, Earl Ross, Mary Lee Robb, Roy Glenn, and Dick LeGrand. Now, this is Don Rickles inviting you to listen again next week to another new adventure of The Great Gilder Sleeve. This is the United States Armed Forces Radio and Television Service.