 I'm Cynthia Lee Sinclair and this is Finding Respect in the Chaos. If you've been with this show before, you know that it's all about giving survivors of abuse a safe place to come and tell their stories and a place for advocates to come out and share important resources to help facilitate healing. Today I am here with an amazing survivor story. I'm here with Ashley Nakanishi. Thank you so much for coming, Ashley. Thank you so much for having me on your show. Oh gosh, I'm so happy. How do you hero? Can you have such an amazing story? Such an amazing story and I'm just honored to know you, really I am. Thank you so much for coming out and being brave enough to tell your story and to show others that there's hope and healing on the other side of abuse. Thank you, Cynthia, for having me. Oh, kid. Man, chicken skin. Okay, first off, I'd like you to tell us a little bit about your Okinawan ancestral roots and stuff like that. I think that's a really interesting part of who you are. Absolutely. So my mother's side, all roots in Okinawa. So our family has been there for countless generations. It is a part of me that I carry really deeply in my bones and I represent it everywhere that I go. I carry my family very much on my sleeve. That is without a doubt. And I mean, not just my mother's family, of course. I carry the history of my father's family as well and I think it's quite important to understand where you come from. Right? I think we have a picture of your family, don't we? I believe so. It's a big family. It is a big family, yes. Yeah, and so our family has quite a unique history, actually, through honestly very much intergenerational trauma. We have all learned how to be successful in the healing process. And I think that that was something I really took away whenever I went back home in Okinawa and I got to revisit some of the places that I haven't been in years and it really taught me that the art of resilience is really within one's soul and it's very possible. And I think that wouldn't be possible without my parents somehow connecting all their traumatic histories together and kind of giving the world these like bodhisattvas willing to suffer for all this wisdom, really, right? And that's so much more important than intellect, wisdom and compassion and empathy. And those are only real things that you can really understand through suffering. Without it you couldn't really empathize with somebody. You couldn't really build compassion without enduring those things yourself, right? Or really putting yourself in someone else's shoes. And my parents made that such an important task for us growing up. You know, always making sure that we are seeing things not just from our own lens, right? Yeah. That's awesome. Thank you. So you have a book that you wrote. Yes. I'm really excited for people to hear about this book. Yes. And first, kind of take us through that choice of the cover because... Oh, absolutely. There was... So this book was quite a project. It was a project of many minds. And it says so in the very back where I thank everybody and my acknowledgements. I mean, it is quite lengthy in that sense. The book came together through a number of experiences and I just lost a really dear friend of mine. And I kind of went into a really dark place. It brought up a lot of memories for me from when I was in New Mexico. And when I had endured a lot of traumatic incidents, one after another, after another, from gang rape, to homelessness, to pregnancy, to single motherhood, to withdrawing from drug addictions. It was such a turbulent time. And I really had to learn to navigate through those wins and find inner peace. And that's how this book really came to be. A lot of detail went into it. And we argued about the cover for so long. They're like, you cannot have breasts showing on a page. And I was like, that is what I'm putting on my book. I was like, motherhood is important. Free the nipple. You know what I mean? I was very much advocate for that. And I really wanted people, when they read this book, when they thumb through these pages, I wanted them to know that they had an impact on somebody. I wanted them to know that they had an impact on me too. Right? That's why so when you read this page, like if you read this as much as my sister has, I took her coffee. You know, you really start to see how dirty the white is. That's like mine. Yeah, you can see mine. Steamed up, dodgy pages. I read it all the time. They're just beautiful poems in here. Maybe you could read us a couple. Absolutely. Yeah, sure. Absolutely. I have a couple that just to introduce the piece before I kind of dive into the history of what inspired this work. So the first one is called By Design. Fall in love with me on these pages. Remind me that you see more than my skin, feel more than my curves, need more than this body and these lips to keep you warm. Explore me the way that you do art. So when you decide to love me, it's less about how I work my body and more about my body of work. So I wrote that just kind of as an introduction to this book, really to inspire young women to hold themselves accountable for what are they producing? What are they want and what are they magnifying towards them, correct? And also, and to kind of give retrospect to men, you know, who might try to approach somebody with the wrong intentions in mind. And, you know, and that was when my daughter's father, like when we first got together before all the craziness went down, you know, it was really more about falling in love with him is such an art. You know, we it was such a mindful experience, you know, and even now that I reflect on it, it still is, you know, and I have to remember that all the time. But before I remembered that, I wrote a series of angry poems too. So sorry, if it's okay if we get just a little bit of detail about your daughter's father is right. She's a product of the rape, right? Is this right? Yes. So if you if you feel comfortable talking about it anyway, that's fine. That's fine. I do I do talk about this a lot for domestic violence Action Center. I don't want to put you on the spot. No way. It's okay. You couldn't put me on the spot more than I already do. So don't even worry about that at all. Okay. Yeah. So I lived in New Mexico, as you know, and I was boxing there at the time. Boxing. Wait, I want to hear about that later. I was boxing at the time. And a friend of mine introduced me to a man outside of a bus stop. And he asked me for change for the bus. And I was like, who is this man? Like who does he think he is? And I ended up only having a dollar. So we asked me to join him on this bus stop, right? And we went on this bus tour, basically through our own city. And and I was fascinated by it. I was enthralled by most addicted to him, really, like a drug. And months quickly led to a year before I knew what we were engaged. And we were, you know, we had hit like a hard place at one point, where we were doing a lot of drugs together, we're experimenting with a lot of other narcotics as well. And that I really start to see this other side of him come up, this almost ominous and evil like nature take over him. And when I come to address it, you know, we had a lot of tribulations happening already. So that that friction was real, that tension was real. When I came to him and told him I didn't want anymore, I was done. He wasn't having that, you know, and it was it was around Christmas, I remember, because he had, he had hit me with something like on my way out of the house, he had hit me with something. And I remember, I just remember feeling something so painful and then passing out. And when I woke up, I was tied face down onto a bed, where I was for weeks. You know, the days kind of blended really together. And it was a horrifying experience. It was a horrifying experience. And whenever he realized that I didn't want anything to do with him anymore, you know, he owed money to drug dealers. So I was gang rape multiple times. Oh, yeah. And that was it was an awful thing to endure. So sorry, you had to. Yeah, no, it's okay, you know, we'll talk. So we'll bring back out the boxing. I was not I could not succumb to dying. I remember just thinking I remember wanting to die and saying I wanted to die. And then I couldn't. And I couldn't. I just, you know, every part of me, I was made from people of resilience. I was made from people of resistance. And this was not the way I was going to go out. You know, and, and I was so traumatized by the fact that this man I loved would do something like this to me that it made me so cold, so animalistic, almost, you know, that when I had escaped, I mean, I escaped and it wasn't like I went out and was like catching a ride, texting Uber. I wasn't like that. It was like me hitting this man with a pot and enforcing me my way out. And I was half naked through Albuquerque. I remember being half naked through Albuquerque in the snow. And I was like, it was so cold. And then my sister's friend coincidentally happened to be driving by and she saw me. She thought I was my sister. And so just like this is a small island, you Mexico is a small place. And she gave me a ride. And I was basically homeless for the next few months until I was able to make enough money to come back home. And when I came back home, found I was four months pregnant. And whenever the doctor told me the timeline, I knew that I knew I had to come from those experiences. So I mean, I'll never really know who my daughter's real father is. And that's never been important to me because in my mind, I mean, I associate him with my daughter just surely through the relationship in which she came. But in my mind that never matter because she was my daughter, she was my child. And at the end of the day, I pulled the best of him and the best of me together to create this beautiful gift. You know, hey, good for you. What a great way to look at all my God took a long time. It was not easy. I did I did go through a lot. And I was so angry, you know, I was so angry. And I became very almost heartless in the endeavor of pursuing ever a new relationship. There's a poem in here. I'm going to stop you right now. My favorite poems in this book. And it's be angry. Be silently enraged. Take your time gathering the words and the strength that it takes to speak instead of cry. I love that. I can't as a survivor of severe abuse myself, that that poem just speaks to me I can't imagine that it wouldn't speak to all survivors, because it's what we need to be able to do to gather ourselves to be able to speak our truth. And I think that in speaking our truths, we can change the paradigm of men being able to get away with these kinds of things like they have been for so many years. Absolutely. And part of talking about it is breaking that cycle, right? And that was something I really wanted to stress in this book is that when I for example, like Martin Luther King said the truth shall set you free. Yep. Right. And that was this is probably the most honest dialogue I've ever had with myself. Like this book whenever we whenever went out, and people started buying it and reading it and reviewing it, I was like, Oh, snap, I was like, I was really concerned because this was all of me in this book. This was my history in this book. And this was kind of my journey through motherhood, single motherhood as a student, as a sister, as a friend, as a victim, as a survivor, as a fighter, it was so much effort. I was exhausted like even at the party when we were signing books, I was like, man, I'm tired. So tired. And then somebody came up to me and they and they said the same poem, they reflected on it so hard. And she said, I just wanted to thank you. And I didn't I didn't know how to respond because this was the first time I'd ever actually given someone else a voice. Right. And that was such an important feeling. And that's exactly something I really, I really want to emphasize, right? And that was because if you are by any means successful, then you know, you have altered one life made one life easier to live, right? And and it's quite vital. It's quite vital. And I think that the journey there, though, long, you know, it's, it's so beautiful. Once you once you look past all that ugly, like, I mean, I still have scars, I got scars on my back, you know, I got scars on my, you know, I have scars every I have a missing part of my ear over here. I mean, I, you know, it was it was a fight. It was a war. And I have a map of that war on my body, because I remember that I take it with me. I let that fuel me. I don't let that crush me anymore. You know, I'm not, I'm not stunted by PTSD anymore. I mean, of course, there are days, don't get me wrong, I smell something. I'm like, Oh, but more importantly, it really influenced my work that I do with the DVAC, right, as well as what I do in the community now. So I guess, okay, so we're about to go to break. Absolutely. So before we do, there's another poem I love so much. Absolutely. Doing what you can with what the world provides. This is true success. So I'd say you got true success. All right, we are going to take a break. And we will be back in just a couple of minutes. And I hope that you will stay with us because I want to share with you some of the things that she's doing now, which are pretty amazing things, making a huge difference for other survivors and other victims. So please come back. Good afternoon. My name is Howard Wig. I am the proud host of Code Green, a program on Think Tech Hawaii. We show at three o'clock in the afternoon every other Monday. My guests are specialists, both from here and the mainland on energy efficiency, which means you do more for less electricity and you're generally safer and more comfortable while you're keeping dollars in your pocket. Hey, aloha, standing energy man here on Think Tech Hawaii where community matters. This is a place to come to think about all things energy. We talk about energy for the grid, energy for vehicles, energy and transportation, energy and maritime, energy and aviation. We have all kinds of things on our show, but we always focus on hydrogen here in Hawaii because it's my favorite thing. That's what I like to do. But we talk about things that make a difference here in Hawaii, things that should be a big changer for Hawaii. And we hope that you'll join us every Friday at noon on Stand the Energy Man and take a look with us at new technologies and new thoughts on how we can get clean and green in Hawaii. Aloha. Welcome back to Finding Respect in the Chaos on Think Tech Hawaii. I am here today with Ashley Nakanishi, who is an amazing survivor that has an amazing story of triumph over tragedy. And I'm so grateful to have you here. And wow, just that you're willing to share your heart and soul in this book. And with me today on the show, you know what you were saying before we went to break about having it be an honor to give someone a voice. You know, I almost heard her cry and I got a contract scan over here. Because that's how I feel about being able to have the show and have a place, a safe place for survivors to come and tell their stories. Because I believe that when we do, there's healing in the telling. Absolutely. And I want everyone to have that opportunity. Absolutely. I completely agree. I think I really believe that these experiences shape the way that I see the world. And it really made me think about what is justice. And what is what is my task in this lifetime? And what can I do for my community to help them heal from the atrocities of trauma, right? And so when I really started kind of getting into the whole DVAC in the poetry world and the acting, and then I was thinking I was like, man, but there are these kids that I'm seeing outside and they, they don't have somebody steering them helping them through life because their parents are busy working. And that's not their problem. You know, we live in a society that's not that is not allowed for a family to function the way it used to. Right. And that is a sad thing to see in this life. And when they don't have a role model or somebody that just helps them, you know, so they know they can talk to and trust, right? Because they don't they're separated from that, that trusting adult or they're betrayed. But even peers, I mean, people, I mean, so much of our, of our kind of our trust ideals are misrepresented in our friendships, they're misrepresented in our relationships and the, and the relationships we have with our co workers and our friends and our mothers and our fathers and our cousins and our baby daddy, daddy, daddy, do you know what I mean? So we, right, you know, we have to learn how to kind of communicate in these relationships. And that's really kind of what got me into doing what I do now. Tell us about that because I think everybody needs to know about that. So really cool thing. So what I do now I work with the at risk youth in Hawaii and through the United States. I work in detention centers, prisons, and basically what I do is orchestrating a workshop for transitional assistance, right? So moving from the kind of prison mentality to the community mentality and how are we really shaping these people to perform outside? Because there's not many, there's not much assistance. As much as people say there is, the prison system needs perhaps some of the most attention, perhaps some of the most love, perhaps some of the most acceptance. And that is something very hard for some people to give. And I've been blessed with a mother and a father that taught me to be compassionate and to work with people who have had hardships that maybe allow them to make the wrong decision in their life. So what I do is basically I open up a workshop. We talk about identity. That was actually that was a great helping to get a poetry workshop. I mean, yeah, so I host them inside of the detention centers or where wherever we are located. Unfortunately, I'm not able to disclose information. Yeah, right. But what we do basically is I open up with a workshop. We talk about who are you in this community and how does that community see you? Right. So after we move on from that, we kind of use that to build a personal essay. And from this personal essay, we start looking at college applications from these college applications, we start shifting a job application. We have a picture of you work with some of the kids that you work with. Yes. So this is Pacific tongues. This is how it all started. This is how I got invested into the program. And I have to give them so much love because they really helped. They really, really helped with everything. You know, they weren't just my brothers and sisters in arms. These people were my confidants in life and these and they really taught me so much about being an educator and a facilitator and and that helps a lot with these programs because these kids need to know they can relate to you. And fortunately, through my own traumas, I'm allowed a position fortunate enough to understand, you know, maybe not, maybe not understand, but at least better empathize. And that's something so important for them to see because, you know, it's hard for them to see a woman. They're like, Who are you? And what are you doing trying to teach me something about life? What do you know about life? Exactly. And you know a couple of things. And I couldn't sit in bed like, Okay, yes, yes, yes, yes. And read my book and then come back. Yeah. And that's but it's a beautiful thing because, you know, after these years have gone by and and we do these workshops and we get them these essays done and I teach them how to write scholarship applications and and all these things. And we talk about real opportunities, you know, and then basically what I'm trying to do now is finish developing my nonprofit organization that allows entrepreneurs and artists to come together and kind of mentor these young minds and to fostering this youth to be successful, you know, because these kids have so many different avenues of success for them. And they're so creative and they're so genuinely sincere. It blows my mind every time I see them. And it breaks my heart every time I hear them, you know, because I know that they're doing everything they can to smile today. Right. And sometimes that's enough. And teaching them that that's enough sometimes, you know, and just and just forgive yourself sometimes, you know, I talk about that a lot here on the show. Well, we're finding respect. We're looking for respect, right, right, right. Yeah, we're trying to find the respect. And sometimes we need to find it for ourselves. Absolutely. It's not necessarily a thing that is out there in the world that we have to go and find. It's something that we need to find for our own selves. Absolutely. And that's it. And that's a powerful message, right? And that's that's something that takes time. And you know, and not all my students come out and do great things in the world. I'm not. But there's always one. There's always the condition of their soul, even if they don't come out and do great things. At least they feel a little less anxious, maybe a little less hateful of themselves. And that is a huge thing. Right. And so don't be a little that party there. And if there's only one that comes out and does great things, that's wonderful. The thing is, you know who those students will be. Right. What's more important is focusing on the ones that are not going to be those people and teaching them how to still stay positive in the means of chaos and how to navigate through their traumas in a way that does not allow them to be a dysfunction in society, but instead offering more opportunities to others with their experiences. Right. Because everybody's story is powerful. And truly, we are all in the world's narrative. Right. Yes, we are. So it's really important to kind of encapsulate these ideas and come together and rise against the things that are oppressing us, be it a person or a family member or a government. You know, I mean, I'm really big on activism as you know, but we'll jump in a little later. We've got women here that I love. I absolutely love. Wait, it's up here. When the word justice outweighs the power of truth, the world is corrupt. And right now I'm afraid that the world's pretty corrupt. You know, but there's a way of changing that. You know, sometimes it takes seeing corruption to really bring to mind the fact that we need change. And that's something that, I think that's something that actually our community is doing a really great job of, you know, with a woman's march with Black Lives Matter movement. And that's spreading through a lot of cities around the world. And here in Hawaii, we have a different sort of what the aloha spirit is. It is prevalent here and it is pervasive through all of these different things and fields. So I don't think we are exactly suffering in the same way a lot of mainland is. Right. And that was something I got to experience when I went out to LA and I was working in some of their centers over there. And, you know, a 14-year-old child over there, that's a 21-year-old man over here. That is a different kind of person. They have different types of experiences. And I'm not trying to take away from anyone's trauma. No, no, I agree. I'm not trying to invalidate anybody else's, but what I'm saying is there's a difference and we need more people. We need members of our community to come in because these young kids, they don't have much of a community that supporting them. And I'm not saying it's their family's fault because it is not. Right? It's not a project family. It's not a project education. It's more so they need somebody that's going to say, I'm here for you. Right? I'm here for you when you're mad at me. I'm here for you when you're happy with me. I'm here for you through all of that because I want you to know that I can be your rock. That's awesome. You also do something else. It's pretty cool. You have a poetry slam. Oh, yes, yes. And then we even have some pictures of you at the poetry slam. Thank you. I love that picture. I took that picture. I love that picture. Yes, I have a poetry slam for the last five years. And then, yes, and then I recently just performed in Women of the World Poetry Slam. And we've got another, I think we have another picture of all the people that were there at the Poetry Slam. Yeah. That's my family. Because you love you. Yeah, that's an important thing. I think we have just, not very much more time, but I think it's important that people hear about the new, you're having a poetry slam thing. Yes. Absolutely. We've just got a couple minutes left. Absolutely. So the work that I'm involved with now, it's called Dragon's Breath, The Revolution. So this is all for poets from around the island to come together every Thursday at the dragon upstairs above Hanks in Chinatown at 7 p.m. Be there. Be there. So that's again, every Thursday, Dragon's Breath Revolution upstairs in the Dragon 7 p.m. I hope to see you all there. Thank you again. Oh my gosh. Thank you for coming. Are you kidding? Ashley, I want you to come back. We need a couple hours to have the show. I know. It's not long enough for this girl. I hope all of you will go out and get this book. It is well worth every minute of tears and laughter and you're going to want to stand up and shout hallelujah and all of that stuff when you read it. So I want to tell you that it is an honor to have you come and join me in this show. Finding respect in the chaos. I am Cynthia Lee Sinclair. This is Think Tech Hawaii and if you have a story you'd like to show and you'd like to maybe come on the show and tell your story, you can email me at survivorcentralatthinktechhoi.com and if you need help, there's some numbers here on the screen. Write them down. Make sure you're safe when you call them and make sure you reach out for help. You're not alone. Thank you for joining us here today and I hope you'll join us next time on Finding Respect in the Chaos.