 Hello, my beautiful internet friends, and welcome back. If you don't know me, my name is Jo. I'm missing a foot, hence the channel name. I wanted to talk to you guys today about a really unique experience that I've had. One that is, I think, almost difficult to replicate, and I definitely hope I'll never have to replicate ever again. I made the decision to publish my entire journey of becoming amputee in video form here on YouTube. And it's been a trip. It's been a lot of different things. I had a conversation with my dad the other day about what a positive thing it was. And it really got me thinking about all of the aspects, and what a... What a weird thing it has been to go through such an intense, crazy, insane, life change in front of people. So let's dive in and talk about that. Now, if you don't know me or anything about my story, I became an elective amputee on October 11th, 2018, so it's been like just about nine months now. Prior to having that amputation, I started making videos about the decision process because I had other options, but they were all terrible. They all left me with reduced quality of life, living in a lot of pain, and they all ended an amputation anyways. So I decided to just cut to the chase and have my leg amputated at the age of 27, hoping for a better life. Actually walk, maybe without pain, to even like run, which I hadn't done since I was like 13. So I walked into a hospital on October 11th, and I didn't walk out. I was a wheelchaired out, missing a leg, and I made a video about that. And I made a video about, you know, coming home from surgery and what phantom pain was like. And I made a video just about every day, or every other day, recovering from surgery, and then going to a prosthetist and like getting fitted for my first leg, and then just everything that happened after that. Now, when I first started making videos, I had no intention of them being seen by many people. When I first started making the videos, if you go to the very first videos on my channel, those were initially meant for me. I was talking through my decision process, but it really helps me to make my words make sense for other people. Suddenly, they make more sense to me. So those videos were really just for me, but I thought, you know what? I'm gonna publish them in hopes that maybe they'll help someone else in the same place, someday. Someone else who's trying to make the same decision, but a lot of people took interest. And one of the videos I had kind of blew up. It was one that I had about going up to Denver to have the cast removed from my legs. So I actually got to see my amputated leg for the first time ever, and a lot of people were interested in that. Then I made a video about how I actually became an amputee, and for whatever reason, the YouTube algorithm was a big fan of that, and then took that and blew it up as well. And then, then I made a video about how I said goodbye to my foot and ankle, because I wrote like a breakup letter to it literally on it in permanent marker. I had a mini party where my friends came over and wrote good-bye messages on it as well. And when I published that video, that went viral. And has over, I think, six million views on it now, and news organizations reached out to me and did stories on me, and things like exploded. That was never my intention. I never expected anything like that to happen at all. So I went from someone making videos alone in my house, recovering from surgery, to suddenly someone who was somebody to other people. And that has come with a ridiculous amount of positive things, and also some negative ones. I often wonder what this would have looked like, what this process would have looked like if I didn't do it publicly. Because I publish a video at least every other day, except when I went away to Ireland in March, since it started. There's a lot of videos about this process. There's a lot of videos about everything that I've gone through. I can tell you for a fact that I underestimated the impact that this would have on me, that becoming an amputee would have on me. I knew that it would be a hard thing. I had no idea to what extent. It's been a lot harder than I projected emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, relationally, like in every possible way. And again, going through that with thousands of people watching is weird. So I want to tell you about some of the really positive things first. I think one of the absolute best things that this has done for me is it has kind of forced me to face a lot of fears and go out and do stuff. I didn't expect to get really self-conscious after losing my leg, but I did. I was really scared to go out in public. I was terrified, terrified to go out in public alone. I didn't want to like leave the house, but making videos alone in my house all the time doesn't make for super interesting content. And so I was like, you know what? It would make for a good video and it would be a good thing for me if I went to a coffee shop alone to work because I was physically capable of doing it that time. And so I did that. I made a video about it and because I made a video about it, I actually did it. I faced that fear and I realized that I could do it. I realized that like, oh, I didn't die. That was, that was okay. And there have been so many times where that was the case where I have wanted to stay dead on the couch, just so depressed or sad or upset or like sinking in self-pity for a while and been like, you know what? I need, I need to get a video out today or I need to get a video out tomorrow or whatever. And I've been forced to like be creative instead of just being stagnant. It has really helped me do things instead of just do nothing and let fear kind of control me. I think another thing that I was talking with my dad about the other day is that it opens me up to different perspectives because this has been really hard. I don't sugarcoat that. It's tempting to sugarcoat that but I don't sugarcoat the fact that like it's not all sunshine and rainbows and I'm not positive all the time. But on the flip side of that, I think making videos about this process sort of makes me consider different. Fan of pain is weird, sorry. Sort of makes me consider different viewpoints. Like if I'm making a video about mindset, I might start researching it, you know? And I might learn something or I might, you know, want to share something with you guys about my past. And in doing so, I actually gain a different piece of wisdom or understanding about myself by trying to put it into words. By having to explain things or talk about, you know, perspectives or things like that, I actually get a different perspective or at least I'm presented with a different one. And something I've talked a lot about on this channel is that when I make things, make sense for other people, they make more sense to me. If I'm trying to explain something about being an amputee or I'm trying to answer a question someone has asked me, like, do you identify as disabled? I'm like, I have no idea. So let me think about that and let me like try to put that into words for you and then suddenly it makes a little bit more sense to me and I understand where I sit on it a little bit more, which is really cool and really helpful. Now some of the less positive aspects of it have been that there is, I mean, so many voices, so many different people's opinions in my ears. That can definitely be challenging, especially on the things that I was still sensitive to like when I've had a thousand people tell me you made the wrong choice, you're an idiot as I'm facing setback after setback as I'm still in a lot of pain. That's really painful to hear. That's really hard to hear and it's really hard not to sink into like, you're right, I'm an idiot. I never should have done this. It's hard to like tap into that internal strength and be like, I made the decision I made with the information I had at the time. I'm okay. And when people objectify me for being an amputee, not for being a woman, but for being amputee, like the devotee community. And when people send me extremely inappropriate messages because I'm missing a leg, that makes me feel really gross. And it was an aspect of this I was not expecting. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll link a video where I'm actually talking about that sort of at length. Being made to feel like more vulnerable and more objectified now that I don't have a leg is not something I expected and is something that I face sort of in mass from the internet and by far. The most difficult thing to push against is the constant positivity or the needing to be an inspiration. When thousands of people tell you that you're an inspiration, it's hard to be vulnerable after that. It's hard to open up and be like, you know what? I'm actually having a horrible time. Sometimes I feel suicidal and I'm super depressed because that's not very inspiring by the playbook that most people are handed. You know, it's nice to have those things said about you and it's easy to want to chase them and there have been videos where I've made where like when I talked about being jealous of other people, being jealous of other people's progress, being jealous of other amputees' progress and some people sent me messages about how that was bad and wrong of me and how I shouldn't express that, how that's a bad example for people and you know, I shouldn't be like that on the internet. I should be more positive. I should be stronger. Hearing that is really hard, weird hearing so many opinions about my emotional state when I am like floundering around and trying to figure it out and I think that's been one of the strangest things. I am like literally on a roller coaster for anyone to see and this is a roller coaster I think a lot of people are on or a lot of people have been on but it's displayed. My choice, you know, like I'm not like poor me, it's displayed. Like I absolutely choose to participate in this process, obviously, but it's definitely strange. It's weird to go through one of the hardest things I've ever faced. One of the hardest things that many people ever face with so many people's opinions of how I'm doing it and how I should do it better and if I'm doing it the right way or the wrong way or whatever but I think it's led me to ask a lot of questions. It's led me to lean on people sometimes still learning to ask for help still working on that one guys and push me to really know myself and to really stand true to what I believe in which is not always easy and not always accomplished but I am trying really hard for and as I continue through this journey I'll continue putting it up for the world to see or for anyone to access who it could help and it helps me. Like I said, it's an incredibly positive thing in my life. I love it. I'm so grateful for it but it's also bizarre to go through something like this with a lot of different eyes on you not complaining for a single second. I'm incredibly grateful for this but it is different and I just wanted to share that. Thanks for listening guys. A huge huge shout out goes to all of my patrons over on Patreon. Our team has grown there. My family has grown there recently and I am really grateful for each and every one of you. I cannot tell you how much that helps especially at this time when I'm facing further surgeries and whatnot. So thank you guys and thank you for all of your support all your help all your love all of you. I love you guys. I'm thinking of you and I will see you in the next video. Bye guys.