 So many of you know that I talk quite a bit about how childhood wounds and traumas as well as adult traumas affect our Love life and today. I'm really excited to have a special guest on our show today our show today or my podcast or whatever It's called my my video And it's actually my coach her name is Sabrina rising and she has helped me work through Some stuff that's going on in my life And I wanted to chat with her today and see how she can help all of you that are That need to need some help with Attracting the ideal relationship in your life more importantly the ideal relationship with yourself. So Sabrina welcome. Thank you Thank you, Jonathan. It's nice to be here. Yeah, so Do me a favor for our audience. Just give us the 30 second thumbnail of what you do. Okay, here's my entire offerings in 30 seconds I'm an intuitive guide and I have been facilitating Transformational processes for people dealing with anxiety depression Uncomfortable emotions early childhood trauma for almost two decades now and I teach mindfulness meditation I do a variety of different things in terms of you know teaching abundance and manifesting and Essentially, I help people align with their innermost desires so that they can create a life that they love Yeah, well, I know you're doing tremendous work for me So I know that I'm doing this endorsement not because you're just someone in this business You're actually someone I work with and you're helping me a lot my own personal life And and to the extent I'm sharing this with my audience is Originally I came to you because I was feeling some ease in my professional capacity and and what happened was an Unexpected dive into my childhood might my relationship with my father my relationship with my mother And again, I came to you from a business sense and all of a sudden I'm revisiting a lot of my childhood stuff That's always what happens. Yeah, so what can you talk about that because I wasn't expecting that and and yet I do now recognize the value of going into our past to kind of heal where we're at today And you're welcome to use me in this conversation as well. Yeah, I appreciate that So, you know, it's really important to understand I think in for anyone who's on a healing journey that we can't really deal with life at the level of circumstances Because the circumstances are always a reflection of what's going on for us on a much deeper level You know in my work, you know in my especially my level one program We really focus on the subconscious and how the subconscious is programmed in early childhood between the ages of zero to six when you know, we're all roughly in what's called data wave brain state and there is no filter present to To Not take on what is being, you know presented in our early childhood environments We inherit the values of our caregivers and so these values, you know Are internalized and we make decisions in this time about who we are what we can have what we can have You know our relationship to ourselves our relationships our relationships to love to money to all of these Areas of our lives so we are conditioned in this childhood experience and this is where our belief system is formed And so we have to always go back to the belief system if we're going to create, you know Sustainable transformation in any area of our lives, right? So, you know when you you might have a struggle with your career and your finances, you know And you know for me in my work the context around that is, you know The relationship our relationship to the masculine, right? So we look at relationship to father and you know male care caregivers or male Influences that we've had in our lives and how we've you know developed our relationship to these influences and that Relationship is always what we're playing out in these areas Masculine just like our relationship to our mothers is are the is the dynamics that we're playing out in all areas that vibrate feminine, right? Yeah, it's interesting. Oh, is okay if I jump in yeah, so and I want to share this with everybody is because When I came to you from a professional capacity and we just we you Invited me to explore my relationship with my father my father's relationship with money for example And the fact that I had immigrant parents And and right off the bat, you know my father I could I saw as a child My father was uncomfortable in this world of United States coming from Istanbul Turkey in addition my father had a unique relationship with his professional life and And money in particular and I had no idea how this would actually bleed into how I view things as an adult Okay, so that was my money piece What was also fascinating for me and to the extent that I was aware of this With my mother who kind of represents if you will the feminine as you say And how I relate to women, you know, I had a mother who was emotionally closed off I had a mother who was who at Stonewall and in those and I find that as a little boy As I explored this with you as a little boy. I'm I'm kind of reaching for mom to give me attention I want mom give me attention. Give me attention. Give me attention. I wasn't getting Huh, that's what you become attracted to as an adult is women that are emotionally unavailable or aloof or you know Not available to you because that's what you interpret as love, right? That's what yeah Yeah, and so to the extent that I recognize I'm what's known as an anxious attachment style And then I tend to choose women who are more I mean some completely avoidant some a little less avoidant But it's that that that difference that I am on a subconscious level Attracted to and what I'm learning even in my current relationship is how to regulate my emotions So I it's not about making my partner out to be wrong. It's really about me learning to navigate my regulating my own emotions We talked about something earlier though About avoidance, if you will are people that are emotionally whether they're constipated mostly unavailable emotionally Unskilled, you know, I get a sense that that's a really significant percentage of the population. Is that true? Yeah, I I think I think it's true. I think it's difficult to quantify because you know, many different factors at play, you know I think that's of avoidant or anxious whichever attachment style we're looking at. Yeah, these are both ways of coping, right? Okay, hoping mechanism. So an avoidant person is trying is is is is avoiding the conflict They're avoiding the closeness. They're avoiding the the attachment because it makes them uncomfortable, you know An anxious person needs the closeness needs the reassurance needs the constant like, you know Presence, you know, because they're Validation the validation. Yes, because they are, you know, they're insecure So both but we're both we're dealing with fear in both of these sort of Operating systems. They're just different ways in which we learn to cope with fear, right? And I think that, you know, for people who are avoidant, you know, they're uncomfortable with their feelings, right? Yeah, here's the thing a lot of anxious attachment, you know Style people if we're gonna use that label are also avoiding their feelings, you know They're maybe using other things to deal with their anxiety the Drugs or alcohol or food or you know other types of ways in which they can find that instant relief, right? So in both of these scenarios, whether you're anxious or avoidant, my recommendation would be to learn how to sit with your discomfort Yeah, this is something that we don't learn as children, right? We don't because our parents haven't modeled it for us You know, our parents don't necessarily pull us aside and say, okay You're having these big feelings and it's really uncomfortable and it's gonna pass and I'm gonna sit with you And you know, and I'll teach you how to breathe through it Until you can, you know, get to the other side of it so that we learn, okay You know big emotions are okay to have and if I learn to sit through them I can get through them, you know and learn to take personal responsibility for the quality of my state, right? So this is the work we need to do regardless of your attachment style Regardless how you show up in relationships. Your patterning is your patterning But it doesn't need to define your story. It doesn't need to define who you are, you know If you learn to do the inner work to deal with your discomfort You just said something you mentioned story and it makes me think of how I have a propensity to create stories in my head That validate and a reason for me to either run or fight within the relationship and as I said I'm an anxious person so and and by the way, I just not a complete side note I'd like your take on this I think anxious people tend to be have more what I call martyr energy like I'm the one fighting for this Relationship and they're doing nothing, you know And so they tend to feel a sense of victim this because they they appear that they're doing more work When it's both people are struggling to really get close with one another and it's because of our wounds That we don't find a way to do this. We we tend to do more of this. Am I making sense? Yeah, you're making sense and I you know, I really feel compelled to like bring us back to a place of like neutral Observation because we can't get caught up in all these definitions and labels and diagnosis, you know You declare that you're an anxious person, right? You're getting that for yourself, right? And so I really want to oh stop coaching me right now I appreciate it. I appreciate it You know, I think it's really important that we sort of honor, you know, are our unmet needs, right? Yeah, whether you're avoided or or Anxious or whatever style you observe yourself to be or others have observed you to be It's really important that we see that at the root of this are unmet needs, right? So no, it's a conversation about how do I get my needs met, right? I have a need for reassurance or I have a need for connection or I have a need for autonomy or I have a need for space Whatever the needs are, you know in a healthy loving partnership, you know Or any relationship for that matter There is space for everybody to be able to identify what their needs are advocate for their needs and then make requests to Regret to get support in terms of how to get those needs met, right? So if you're in a partnership Sorry, if you're in a partnership with your you've as you just explained you're more anxious and your partner's more avoidant If you have a need for reassurance You can, you know, share that with your partner and ask her to support you in getting that need met But there's two parts to this, right? So the first part is how are you supporting yourself? Yes In providing your own sense of reassurance your own sense of self-love and self-worth and so on, right? So we always have to look at like our own relationship to our worthiness and our own relationship to love and you know And taking care of ourselves. How are we nurturing ourselves? Are we taking those steps and then we want to look at what's available in our relationship? Because there's nothing wrong with asking your partner for support in certain areas Especially for feeling a little scared a little weak alone secure a little whatever the the experience is That's all fine, you know this idea that we need to come together as two holy enlightened beings to manifest this incredible utopian love is what is a beautiful idea and You know, we also have to give ourselves room to be human, right? And so there's there needs to be space for that humanity and your relationship as long as both people are committed to taking personal Responsibility where we get into trouble is when we make our partner responsible for our feelings, right? Or or or even just other people in general doesn't this have to be a significant other it can be you know at work Associate or even our children for that matter, you know We make our children responsible for our happiness or you know our pain and so forth So it's really important to have this mechanism in place where we understand our conditioning I understand that as you know as a as a result of being my father Daughter, I have certain patterning as it relates to the masculine and as a result of being my mother's daughter I have certain patterning as it relates to the feminine and now as I'm when I know what I understand with these conditioned beliefs are I With awareness I can make different choices for myself, you know and making those different choices is going to bring up anxiety It's going to bring up resistance It's going to bring up all kinds of uncomfortable emotions and that's where all of these wonderful self regulation tools We have you know in inner work come into play that allow me to learn how to presence myself Yeah, and that's so it's So something just occurs to me and and that is you know oftentimes a lot of the people who follow my work going oh god Jonathan you're so articulate. You're really good at expressing yourself and that sort of thing I wish more men were like you how do we clone you? I'm sharing this because it wasn't until I did a tremendous amount of inner work Could I actually identify what was going on inside of me? You know the voices in my head if you will I like the way Michael Singer talks about it in the untethered soul the roommate in your head. Yeah I And I want to bring this to relationships in particular is that I think one of the challenges most couples have is That they and most individuals have is they really don't know how to express What's going on expressing their needs as you just talked about Express it really even identifying their own Feelings, you know at the Hoffman process They do so many different exercises to get you to talk about your feelings and every time I was sharing a feeling they go No, that's just a thought you know a feeling is happiness sadness, you know confusion You know like and so I think so often we as humans get so caught up in them the thoughts But we rarely actually get in we're feeling our feelings But we don't even know what that we're actually feeling or actually have to put work putting words to it Am I making sense here? Yeah, this is yeah, I think you're making It's a you know, even in my in my session work with clients I ask people how they feel and they'll tell me what they think you know Why they why they're feeling what they're feeling instead of just pointing out the feeling right and so and this is so important when we're using Dialogue to resolve conflict in partnership, you know, because we can talk get it caught up in the story again You know, I you know, I may agree because of blah blah blah blah, but you know to mean or we so we attribute it to the Reason or whatever happened versus just sitting in the experience, right? So yeah disconnected from our emotions It's not new. I mean, this is our society. It's how we've been raised, right? And we look at early childhood conditioning part of what's happened in parenting You know, at least in previous generations and I'm declaring that we're changing that, you know in for future generations Yeah, is that you know when a child is having a lot of big emotions that can trigger a parent and it can make a parent uncomfortable and You know as parents we want our children to behave the way we need them to behave in order to make us comfortable So yeah, so we learn to deny our experience But we don't learn how to put a voice to our emotions how to yeah with them and say I feel angry or I feel scared Or I feel frustrated, you know We learn to suppress and betray ourselves because it makes us more pleasing to our environment, right? It makes us more, you know Easy to approve of or more well behaved or you know, you often hear that all your child was so well behaved Like, you know, what does that mean, right? Does that mean the child is completely suppressed, right? So so we learn to good day Oftentimes it does right and so we press our emotions and then we grow up You know as adults and we try to go into partnership and create intimacy and create meaningful connection And we can't create meaningful connection unless we are connected to ourselves and the first place that we want to look is get connecting Is getting connected to our feelings? So there's so many different things we can do to get in our bodies, right? We can meditate we can do breath work we can do you know as you talked about Hoffman, you know primal release therapy That kind of stuff where we're really getting into the cathartic release of you know letting go of Decades of suppressed emotion and learning how to connect to our feelings even in you know compassionate communication dialogue, you know NBC we're talking about I feel right. Yeah, I feel is different than you made me Right exactly like this, right? So I feel like when I say I feel I take personal responsibility for my experience without blaming you or shaming you or name-calling Or doing anything that might feel like an attack, right? And so that happens a lot in Relationships and that creates a lot of conflict by the way really quickly for everyone when Sabrina said NBC She met non-violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg. This is the book So I highly recommend it by the way, there's a link below to get a copy of all the books I recommend on my channel so NBC or non, you know, it should have entitled compassionate communication like that's what it should have entitled, but no one would buy it That's how I refer to it in my programs and the curriculums we create especially the mindfulness stuff for kids so So coming back to what I was sharing before though I feel as though my capacity to be a better communicator came from the recognition of Identifying at the core what causes my negative patterns my limiting beliefs my my Frozenness if you will from an emotional perspective. It was that work that put me on a trajectory From my perception, I'd like your take on this so few people actually do inner work So they could actually be good communicators in a relationship. Does that feel true to you for you? Yeah, you know, I Of course, it's true. I think that most people won't do what's required until it becomes Obvious that something is required right and so usually it takes a pain or a bottom or a break up or a divorce or a bankruptcy or some kind of major event in our lives where we realize like okay Something has to give like there's something for me to to really work on and heal within myself It takes awareness and it takes willingness Right, and so when we have you know, I work with a lot of couples, you know in my programs and okay We have conflict and in a relationship, you know, usually two people come and they they love each other They just don't know how to get along They don't know how to communicate their feelings and advocate for their needs They learn to go into the same patterns that they learned in their childhood, you know They're behaving like their mother did or like their father did or a combination of the two Expecting to get their needs met hoping to get there, but we're not actually taking responsibility for what their needs are and You know in ways that are an invitation You know versus a demand or an imposition on on another person, right? And so I think nobody gets a pass from doing inner child work, you know If you live as conscious free peaceful self-responsible self-actualized human beings We have to go there We you have to do the inner child work to really understand, you know what your needs are learn to meet them for yourself and then learn to advocate for them in Partnership and when we're in that place of really just, you know, not Here's the thing when we learn what our needs are then it then it becomes impossible to settle for less than that, right? Yeah The important step, especially in your work is you know You're coaching a lot of people with in terms of manifesting partnership and dating and relationships and so on When you once you learn what your needs are then it becomes, you know, okay, then this is what I'm attracting, right? Why would you why would you? You know dismiss a need that has, you know revealed itself as significant, right? And so now we start to attract people that are, you know, more capable or willing to meet us at that level Yeah, because we know it's it. Oh, I want to jump in so it's interesting because I think I've been on this journey for the last Decade and a half, you know, it started I Revisited the movie the secret kind of got me back on my path I actually started my path when I was in my 20s got thrilled Well, I'm sharing this with you. I've done Hoffman. I've done insight. I've done all this work and then now I'm in a relationship with someone and you know, many people and many people here on the channel see that I record videos with Marie there's a and It's interesting now that in Relationship I thought okay. I thought oh, I found the perfect partner This is gonna be you know happily ever after and then boom, you know about year into it I realized some of our our childhood patterning is rearing its for lack of a word ugly head and all of a sudden I am faced with that Little kid inside of me that didn't feel loved by their mother that felt stoned while by their mother and and I recognize my partner Isn't doing anything intentional, you know, but there's this now I'm faced with having to address this wound at a deeper level at a at a real core level to some degree Okay, now I've set the stage Opportunity yeah, and so it's so I'm bringing this up is isn't it fascinating that we the the work really takes a whole Mother level when you're in relationship with You know, we can all be Buddha, you know when we're single, right? It's easy to be enlightened and Zen and peaceful when you're living by yourself and there's no one you there to you know interrupt your flow or to Challenge you on certain things or you know to trigger us right relationships are containers for growth and expansion It's really important that we create this context And I hope that you know that your listeners resonate with that because I know that the idea is to find someone You can live with and be with you know forever and live happily ever after with and you know the the attachment to that level of you know security or stability You know really comes from unmet needs in childhood, you know And the idea that you know, I am gonna have someone who's gonna love me forever and never leave me type of thing Right, so I invite everyone to examine, you know Why it is that they want partnership and what it is that partnership represents for them So we can get clear on what we're creating and why and also, you know recognizing that you know are just this idea of of You know learning how to meet our own needs and learning how to show up in a partnership with this with this You know context in place allows us to really grow it allows us to use our partnerships as you know As I mentioned earlier containers, right like you're gonna this partnership is gonna trigger me It's gonna bring up all of my stuff and it's it's normal that we know this going in It's gonna bring up all of my childhood stuff because we become attached and we become yeah vulnerable and we become, you know Exposed and you know, we get naked right for lack of a better expression With our with our partners fully, you know emotionally spiritually, you know physically and and so we feel very vulnerable, right? And so this create this will bring up all of the vulnerability of the child Right all of that same vulnerability we experienced as children, you know And it can bring us back to innocence too, right? Which is a really beautiful thing if we can look at all of our triggers and say, you know, this is what's showing up for me You know, this is how I feel without making the other person responsible This is so important that we understand that our partners are not causing us pain They're just their behavior has instigated a pain cycle that we must now work through That's been in our energy field. That's been in our patterning for most of our lives. It's just now showing what right? Yeah So I and I recognize it's taken me a long time to really come to this realization is that triggers Are for me an opportunity to love myself, you know It's really an opportunity to grow and learn and and to the extent that I'm such an advocate for partnership and my you know my professional capacity and and merely in this context of Is I think deeper healing happens when we're at least in some Significant relationship with someone versus the casualness of relationships that we experienced today Whether a relationship goes the distance or not It's oftentimes it's the attachment to it going the distance that causes so much pain Rather than going well, maybe and and I even consider this in my own relationship If it doesn't go the distance that's okay, too So long as we at least continually show up being our vulnerable authentic Transparent selves and whatever growth happens great. And if it leads to you know, you know till your death bed great And if it doesn't that's okay, too. I think we're I think here at least here in the united states We're so hung up on it has to last forever Otherwise, it's not real. I love what you're sharing because it's such an opportunity for us to shift our focus You know if we take this off of the you know happily ever after and that level, you know Needing that sort of reassurance as I mentioned earlier and we put our focus on to how can I grow today? You know, how can I learn this relationship today? How can I you know? How is this relationship nourishing me? You know, whether it's through pain cycles You know feeling triggered or through joyful experience and you know deeper intimacy and and exchange You know, I think that when we look at our relationships as as this is what I'm choosing for myself today and every day You know one day at a time then we can It's actually I think if you focus on the one day at a time and the growth experience and the gifts of the relationship Be them pleasant or unpleasant then there is actually a better chance of This evolving into something that can you know last a long time if you find someone that you can grow with and evolve with Then there's really no reason to abandon this relationship people abandon ships because they are You know, they feel like they're not getting their needs met or they don't know how to advocate for their needs And you know, they get they shut down, right? Can you talk about one day at a time? I I'm I really want to learn What can you elaborate because that what that one did ding ding ding ding ding for me? So can you elaborate on one day at a time? Yeah, I think it's important to stay in the present moment You know important. I think sometimes, you know, obviously when there's children involved in families and so on You know, there's some element of of planning, right? We want to be able to plan for the future We want to be able to live into a vision for ourselves and there's nothing wrong with Holding an intention Versus being attached to an outcome, right? Yeah I invite everybody to kind of like reframe that and and hold an intention for perhaps You know the vision you have for your family your children your partner The the idea that how you want to spend the rest of your life with someone which is beautiful And you can live into that vision one day at a time by fully present in the moment and just accepting each day as it comes And just you know allowing that, you know, the whatever the relationship is informing in you to Invite you into deeper Experiences of self-love deeper experiences of self-acceptance, you know, and and here's the thing You know is that we can't we can never promise another person that we're gonna, you know Stay who we are. You know, we can promise that we can stay committed to evolving or stay committed to the truth or stay committed to our practice or whatever the foundation of the relationship is And we're gonna grow right and so With enough wisdom and experience and being able to really Understand, you know, the kind of partner that we're looking for we can You know, most likely attract someone that we can grow and evolve with and that's what I recommend for everybody Is, you know, not attached to someone that you can spend the rest of your life with But really to find a partner that you can grow and evolve with and be in that one day at a time space with While holding the intention For the vision you have for your life Really quickly. And by the way, thank you for that Not only for sharing with everyone, but it's something I need to hear on a regular basis as well I just want to give props to terry really quick for this $20 super sticker you Um A purchase today. I really appreciate she says jonathan wishing you the very best I love all your content and you're looking so much happier that glow you and maria have together is beautiful Love you and her boat. Well, thank you terry. I really want to I want to say thank you for the $20 super sticker Folks, if you have a question for either sabrina or myself right now You guys know my rules or not rules, but my format if you have a question write the word question in the chat box And then post the question there after or you can purchase a super sticker super chat All the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son connor asley He's my son who passed away five years ago in his honor We donate to like the hoffman process insight institute and seeds of love which is an organization in columbia Which helps children who have been abandoned by their parents because they have a terminal disease or terminal illness And so all the monies that collected are going to one of those three organizations So again, if you use the little dollar sign if you're watching the replay hit that super thanks button because that helps as well So again, I want to let everyone know if you have a question for either sabrina and I We're just going to keep going and when you pop it in there we'll pop it into the screen so Sabrina I've I've kind of came to the realization some years ago after connor passed away That the number one emotional health wound most everyone is faced with is I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable. I'm not likable And and dating triggers that like nobody's business by the way Hopefully i'm not worthy, right? Yeah in that same context. So Where does that is it does that comes from the childhood? Is that right? Yeah, of course 100. Yeah Oh, by the way, we have we have a question. So finish that thought and then i'm going to post the question Yeah, I think everybody is dealing with some level of worthiness, you know Some Questioning their own worth based on what they received or what they didn't receive or whatever the messaging was in their early childhood I mean even those of us that had you know loving parents and and present parents that were You know, relatively present will still deal with some question of that right some You know level of doubt in terms of what we're worth and what we can have right? So this is very common Okay. Hey tina just posted a question I'm grieving over a toxic relationship that ended one year ago I was doing okay until I saw him with his new girlfriend. How can I how can I move? I'm assuming on I left him. He's a narcissist. Um, can you tackle that one? I sure can First of all, you know, I think um, I want to validate that this is very painful, right? It's painful experience. First of all to be uh in this grieving state and you know, just kind of letting go of a relationship and then to be You know encounter and to encounter this person with it with it in a new relationship can trigger all kinds of feelings of unworthiness Or doubt or you know can instigate an even greater pain cycle. So I want to validate that this is a very painful experience for tina um, I also, you know I mean, I also think that we need to embrace the fact that when relationships You know come to an end that there is a gift in that Right. And so if this relationship was a healthier one or one that was good for tina Then she would probably still be in it, right? And so, you know, she's out of this relationship And you know now here tina there's an opportunity for you to really take a look at what your needs are And how much of your needs were not being met in this relationship and learn to heal and presence yourself in that in in your own process of of, you know Developing self-worth and self-love and self-esteem And I think that once you do that work, you know, you'll come to the realization that you're much better off without this Relationship and and being in a healthier state yourself might find that you're not attracted to people like this anymore You know, it's easy to say someone is a narcissist, you know, again You know my relationship to judgments and diagnosis, you know, this is life alienating language, right as as marshal Rosenberg says Um, you know, I think it's more empowering to say I wasn't able to get my needs met in this relationship You know, I didn't feel seen I didn't feel heard. I didn't feel Acknowledged or I didn't feel met right. I didn't feel like room for me in this relationship I've had a similar experience in my own past, right of of Just feeling like there was no room for me. And so and the relationship became felt very toxic So, you know being able to remove yourself from a toxic relationship takes a lot of courage So I really acknowledged Tina for the courage it took to leave And to and to stay out and now here's an opportunity just to rebuild It's very important when we come out of relationships that are highly toxic that we rebuild our self-esteem And our relationship to our own selves And practice acceptance, you know, I mean People move on right and that doesn't that does not a measure How much we're worth or how lovable we are it's just means that he's doing what he's doing And you know, Tina needs to be doing what she's doing You um said something that reminded me of something you said earlier whenever I can when I'm by Continually saying I'm an avoidant, right, which I just did right now, but I said that Well, whenever I think the same holds true when we're pointing the finger and I'm I don't even like that that terminology But when we identified that our previous partner was a narcissist and oftentimes that can be a misdiagnosed It reinforces that in your consciousness You know, so it's almost, you know, it can give you to some people it gives them a badge of honor to some degree Um or allows it feeds the victim, right exactly. It feeds the victim this I was victimized, you know He was a narcissist. She was a whatever. He was a this he was a that like this is now I feed my own victim energy I feel wronged and somewhat justified in my pain, right exactly When we describe this kind of pain to other people, you know, there's there's never a shortage of humans that are ready to rally around this kind of of of Resentment and anger because so many of us meet needs and so we can relate right we can relate to this and go Yeah, you know, he was a narcissist and you're so much better off and you know, that stuff and the fact of the matter is is that, you know We didn't the relationship is over and because you didn't get your needs met That's why the relationship is over. That's the only reason to ever end the relationship is because we're not getting our needs met And when people don't get their needs met and they don't know how to advocate for them for their needs responsibly They will start to shut down their hearts will close. They will look for other relationships They will do things they will they will behave in ways that are you know that lack integrity for you know, just to keep it general And and because they're trying to get a need met Yeah, right. That's all human behavior is is an attempt to meet a need Yeah, and sadly and and this is going to sound like a judgment. I don't mean it this way per se There's to some degree. There's such a there's almost a I always say people are suckling on the nipple of victimhood So um, and and i'm grateful that you drew attention to this It's not a popular thing that you just said, you know to the extent people don't appreciate hearing that You know, you've got a blind spot here in your life One in particular is that you're feeding the narrative of the the narcissist if you will and you'll get lots of people That validate that but really if you want to make change And i'm saying this to everyone watching if you want to make change it requires rolling up your sleeves Really diving deep and one of the first things to do is say i've been responsible for all of my experiences And I have an opportunity to heal and and then it's going to require some work And you can't just do you know, sit in the meditation and do ohm and think it's all going to be cleared Or doing a one week Hoffman and think it's going to be cleared. It's a daily practice Um, something that you harp on me regularly about that And I mean that in a good way It's gentle. Um, so Here's what I want to say too, you know, based on what you just said, jonathan It's very important that people don't take this information and punish themselves like we don't want to walk away and say, you know I'm responsible for my toxic relationship. I mean, yes, there is an element of personal responsibility But let's not confuse responsibility with fault Okay, yes, exactly When we understand that what happened to us in our childhood is not our fault our patterning is not our fault Right, but we are as adults, you know It's our responsibility to become aware of what those patterns are and to make the necessary internal adjustments Um, so that we can start attracting different types of partnerships by being different people by being healthier people Right. So, you know, why would someone stay in a relationship? That's toxic, right? They would you know, we stay because Because it's it's it feels normal, right on. Yeah, it's familiar to us, right the Harville Hendricks work when you look at the subconscious mind as I talked about in the beginning We look about our early childhood. We look at our early childhood conditioning That relationship and all of its misgivings and all the needs that we're not being met Feels like familiar territory based on the way we were raised, right? And so once we change the subconscious programming and we shift and we change what feels familiar We become attracted to different people, you know We're no longer attracted to people who are avoidant or people who are anxious or whatever the label is We are attracted to people who can actually meet us in healthy connection and healthy love Hey, by the way, we got another question from gg Hi gg If a man and woman have chemistry and compatibility both are emotionally mature Can they commit to grow and evolve together and that's enough regardless of what society or your coach may say I Mean yes. Yeah I have chemistry. First of all, if you have chemistry, that's God, right? So Ability you can build, you know and and and and communication you can develop a chemistry is either there or it's not, you know That's not something you can sort of fake, right or or forge. I think that when there's chemistry, that's, you know, a beautiful Indication that there's that, you know, that's a good that's a there's a good potential for partnership and for growth and expansion My experience when we're really really drawn to someone it's usually because this container this relationship Has a lot in store for us in terms of developing our potential healing growing and expanding into the fullest versions of ourselves Because let's not get ourselves. That's what we want at the end of the day. That's what everybody wants We want to feel fulfilled. We want to feel content We want to feel we want to embody love, right? And we put our focus on partnership as this is going to help me embody love This person's going to help me embody love and yet the work that relate the partnership Is just basically mirroring back all the areas where we can embody love for ourselves, right? Well, let's talk about oh, i'm sorry. I was going to talk about chemistry for a second Do you mind touching upon your thoughts on this and let me share where i'm going with this I think when two people meet, you know for the first time and they have this strong sexual desire for one another We label that as chemistry Uh when it could just simply be lust or limerence I think is I I'd like to think chemistry is something different. I I'd like to almost think that it's an energetic experience versus a physical physical visceral experience it might I think it's an energetic experience and okay, okay make it a physical one we can You know focus on expressing it physically, but it's always energetic experience when we feel drawn to someone it's energy We're either actually energetically drawn to people or energetically repulsed by people What's one or the other? Right, there's never just a stagnant point like because we're energetic beings Just like you know your cells will expand when they feel something really good And they will contract when they feel something that doesn't feel good, right? Well, i'm good. Oh, well, I have another thought. They just sparked so so We can have an energetic connection with someone and at the same time they may not be we may not be attracted to them Uh From a say physical perspective Is that the ego getting in our way? I'm just curious and not to You know I want to belabor that the ego is bad, but I think attraction is normal as I mentioned Energetically when you feel drawn to someone, you know, that's traction And then it's us as human beings to decide, you know Do I am I get it? Am I gonna play this out sexually? Am I gonna play this out in this way? How is this gonna work out? Does that make sense? Okay? Yeah, I think well. No, it does make sense I think sometimes there is this Focus on the physical or sexual piece and not really an understanding that there could be an energetic piece Like I think with even with marina. We have we have we're really we're really comfortable together Which I think is its own form of energetic connection We have ability to really be vulnerable authentic and transparent with one another Which I feel like is energetic connection. It's energetic chemistry It's not based on the desire to have sex as much as it is that we feel really comfortable with each other Am I making sense there? Yeah, of course. Okay. Okay, and you know, I will just repeat what I said earlier I think it's all energetic connection. Okay. Okay of like what that energetic connection will inspire you You know, you can have an energetic connection with the client For example that you feel, you know an affinity with and friendship and love and respect for And it doesn't spark, you know a sexual aspect, you know, it doesn't really spark a sexual desire Makes sense. So there's other components that go into play when we talk about, you know, being sexually attracted to somebody, right? Yeah And you know, it's very normal to be, you know attracted to someone who embodies love and to want to turn that into something sexual I think that's happens a lot in relationships, you know, especially opposite sex relationships Whether it's friendships and so on where there is a love or respect or affinity and then, you know The mind just automatically goes there, you know, or we just automatically go there because that's how we're conditioned As well in our society to express love, right? Yeah I want to, you know, I want to make this sexual, right? Or I want to turn this with sexual thing And so there's other it gets a bit more intricate when you start to look at like what how what creates a sexual attraction Between men and women, you know, but it's really important to see that it's all energetic. Is that got it? Okay. We have another question from linda After you get so old Don't we sort of settle it becomes too much trouble to uproot and make changes? So we just put up with toxicity No linda no at what point does it matter it always matters It's really up to you to be willing to do the work linda, you know I mean, I don't think you ever need to settle and I think that You know, I think we settle because as you know, linda's saying like what I'm really hearing is a lot of tiredness and exhaustion and just kind of You know, resignation around Believing or hoping that a relationship can actually support her in getting her needs met, you know And what I want linda to know is that it's always possible to get your needs met The first step in in making that happen is to understand is just understanding what they are Understanding what they are and then advocating for them. This is very these are very basic steps right when I understand what my needs are And then advocating for them becomes a whole other body of work because we have to deal with our self-worth We have to deal with finding our voice. We have to deal with developing the courage to ask You know being willing to receive. This is where the all the inner child work comes in But this can be done at any stage of life and it doesn't need to take years and years and years You know, I mean, as you know, I do a three month process, you know with people to help them go through their inner child You know understanding their subconscious programming and healing some of their limiting beliefs It doesn't need to take a really long time To understand, you know, how we operate what our needs are and how to create a healthy relationship with ourselves That would be always be the first place I start Actually, even though I want to continue this conversation, but really quickly everybody you can see in the in the box there I put down Sabrina's Website, you know, she's got some amazing programs as I said in the beginning of this broadcast Sabrina's my coach. I work with her twice a month I work on some of my childhood wounds and traumas as well as just finding a way to learn to regulate my emotions maybe I think being aware of your emotions is kind of like is You know, it's a blessing and a curse, right? You know like but the same the blessing being I'd rather be aware of my emotions than suppressing my emotions And so when things come up, I come to Sabrina So folks in the chat box or in the box there is a way to get a hold of Sabrina And I'll put the link below in the description as well. So to keep up on this On this conversation, I know someone else posted a question Um Well, I'm going to bring up something negative that was brought up. Uh, Sabrina some kimberley believes that You were doing some uh victim blaming when we were talking about this earlier Can you address this? Um, because she's made a couple comments here Uh, I'm so I don't I mean I first of all I want to acknowledge the the comments and You know, I don't want to blame anyone. That's what the victim does, right? So they're so victim blaming it's just a matter of being aware of whether or not we're taking full responsibility for what we're co-creating It's really important that we you know, we wrap our heads around this and understand that whenever something is is not going our way Or we're not getting our needs met or we're feeling hurt or dismissed in a relationship Or we you know, we break up with someone and whatever the pain is It is a co-creation and that co-creation as painful as it feels Is actually there to serve your highest and best good. It's there to serve our learning Right. It's an opportunity for growth and expansion. And so, you know, I don't think that I think it's important That when we stay in victim, it's really important to know this when we stay in victim. It's not possible to Because the victim and we're talking about victim consciousness, you know, yeah different Yeah, uh, dr. Pat Allen says unless you have to call a policeman A doctor or an attorney Okay, if you have valid reasons to calling any one of those three Three people if you will then yes, then you should be, you know, advocating through, you know, these resources At the same time if we're in a victim mentality You know, that's only going to perpetuate more pain And I'm not an advocate for you know, initiating, you know, you know Self-crucifixion By being in a state of victim consciousness and that's my opinion on that kimberley Yeah, and that's my opinion too. I think, you know, I think it's natural to feel victimized and all feelings are valid Okay, so let's just say that all feelings are valid And we have to also learn to work with these emotions if we're going to grow because if we stay in the You know bitterness and resentment and the justification of you know, our pain then we can never actually heal It's not yeah And again, let's be clear We're not talking about those cases where you have to call a doctor a lawyer or a policeman those I we are not even remotely talking about that. We're talking about consciousness outside of that So, um, I noticed another comment that came in bear with me one second sabrina Okay Okay, well, maybe I I can't find it. Okay, so, um, well, let's kind of put a bow on all this so If there is such a thing I think relationship talk is difficult because you know There is a little wounded child in each of us, you know, that just wants what they want You know, they want someone to come along and make it better Right when we want that situation to show up and have it meet all of our longings all of our fantasies All of our, you know, everything that we that we've wished for whether it was, you know, induced by hollywood or You know other examples that we've seen and so on So it's really important that we sort of graduate it and develop maturity around this idea Of what partnership is and what partnership represents and again, you know, my, you know My opinion on this is Um, is that partnership represents an opportunity to grow, you know to look at ourselves And it's going to show us the parts that we don't like It's going to show us the parts that we love the parts that we want to see more of And it's just a matter of how willing we are to embrace all of it With the spirit of gratitude and willingness to embrace those lessons so that we can develop ourselves as individuals, right, you know So and by the way, I fully agree and I do recognize that partnerships also have some Transactional aspects to it and what I mean to say is you might be You know, you might be sharing rent with one other or mortgage with one another There are might be some duties that are part of this thing we call partnership I I do believe though that ultimately inner peace is if if if when we when we make our partner Responsible for our own happiness We're really missing the boat And and by the way, it's taken me 50 plus years to figure this out, you know Because we're not taught Even as young children how to be in a good relationship We're rarely modeled what a good relationship looks like And and there's rarely ever real discussion on how to be in a good partnership, let alone Recognizing that our childhood wounds cause us to be Conflicted in our relationships So, um, I know I said a lot of work Yeah To draw attention to both inner healing Um and recognizing that relationships are a great container To do more work and I say this from personal experience right now in my life I also think it's important for people to know like, you know If you're ever in a situation where you you just know that you cannot get your needs met You know, whether it's an abusive situation or a highly toxic environment or a dangerous situation If you ever I want to say this for people that are listening if you're ever in some kind of physical danger Or that kind of thing, you know, this is not an opportunity to stay and do the work You know, it's not an animal. This is an opportunity. This is where you need to sort of stand up and go I need I need to exit the situation for my own safety, right? So it's very important to draw that distinction too because you know, we can be in a partnership with someone where we're relatively safe You know, we're physically we're not in any kind of real danger And you know, these triggers will come up and we can either embrace them Or we can decide I don't want to look at myself and I don't want to do the work I'm going to exit this relationship and go create it at the next one And the one after that and then the what because our imprints that we learned in challenge You know and all the values that we've inherited and our beliefs about ourselves and how we operate relationship is something we take with us From one container to the next container into the next container until we stop and say, okay How do I want to show up, you know, what are my needs and how can I, you know, um, how can I heal? So that I can be in loving and lasting partnership, you know And that's something that is really important to check in with ourselves as we create partnership Well, it occurs to me that something sorely lacking today in the in the dating mating and relating realm Is is commitment and i'm gonna go down a different rabbit hole for a moment a commitment to Grow together, you know, even if you're not meant to grow together a commitment to actually work on a relationship instead of just experiencing the person Um really a commitment to saying, okay, why are we in this relationship? Okay from from a transactional perspective look at it from that perspective and say why are we in this relationship? And then there's an invitation at least through our conversation is and how can we grow as individuals in this container? So and I think so few couples have these kind of conversations I think women in particular are fearful for having this conversation When I'm an advocate to you know Talk about this like on the very first date practically and I don't mean that, you know Literally, but I'm saying very very early on having these conversations Um rather than, you know, I think a lot of humans bury their head in the sand Having deeper intimate conversations Like, you know how it is when you for what I think, you know in in sort of um, you know in everyday consciousness, you know So many of us are afraid of exposure or afraid of making ourselves vulnerable that we want to represent ourselves You know well and we want to maintain this image of whatever we feel However, it is that we feel we want to be seen by others And oftentimes when we come to inner work we see that how we see ourselves is not how we experience ourselves Right and that is what creates all the neuroses, right? It's what creates all the the dysfunction in our in in our lives not just in our partnerships So I think it's really important to be able to to just you know, get honest about who we are and where we are And you know, how we feel and how we operate, you know, even that level of vulnerability You know when you're we're talking about partnership creating transparency like being to say to your partner like I feel scared I'm feeling insecure. I'm feeling, you know, those things like it takes courage to share that level of transparency In a partnership and that's the stuff that creates real intimacy Yeah, you know in my book here. I gotta give a plug for it. What the heck is self love anyway Journey of personal development self open spiritual work chapter one is called speak your truth to it with kindness You know, it's nvc. Yeah chapter nine says when it's sincere and from the heart We really can't say the wrong thing to the right person You know when you're speaking from your heart Yeah, and the person can't receive it Or they're incapable or unwilling whatever it is Um It it's then they're not not the right person for you But you shouldn't avoid speaking from the heart Because you're afraid someone will leave you that's actually your way to build a stronger relationship is speak from your heart The do you agree with that? 100% It's what I just said, you know, like that level of transparency of being willing to be vulnerable and share yourself I mean, you know, if if the the person that you're with Can't it doesn't can't hold space for your true feelings You know, what a wonderful indication that you can't get your needs met in this relationship And therefore, you know, there's no need to keep trying, right? Yeah. Well, and I think it's really important I think I'm pretty sure I said it before in this conversation But the only reason to ever leave a relationship is if you're not getting your needs And there is no possibility of getting your needs met You know We've got to do the the work to advocate for for our needs and ask And if we constantly ask and we're not met then, you know, we we're responsible, right for our own Fulfillment and satisfaction. I mean, yeah Well, I think this would be a great place to break from our conversation today I just want to tell you how much I appreciate you Coming on wait, so someone just made a comment retro girl Sabrina, I commend you for doing this type of coaching. I agree that triggers result in a game Blame game working through our triggers by looking inward helps one heal and I don't want to be a victim I way to go retro girl so all right, so One more time share everybody worried they can get a hold of you or get in touch with you And if you have any programs or anything coming up, please share that Okay, so my website is intuitive sabrina.com. You can go to my offerings page. There's lots of programs and offerings there Everyone is welcome to book a free 30 minute consultation. I do a free call And where there's an intuitive reading and we kind of go into where you might be blocked and holding fear and pain in your life I have a free seven day meditation support class coming up for those of you that are interested in having a meditation practice Whether you're new or experienced. It's it's a class for everyone and you can register for that on my website as well All right Well, I'm really excited to have you on today. I end my videos the way Always the same. Can I just reach in and give you a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug? Absolutely. Thank you so much. I appreciate you. Thank you. I get it. Wait. Do I get a hug back? Yes, I'm hugging you back Ha ha ha Well, sabrina big hugs and many thanks for everyone I want to thank roller girl or retro girl and tina and nadley and leafs and kathryn and our facebook group On linda and minnesota and gg and tasha and tina and everyone that commented and again big props to terry for your $20 super sticker Thanks so much everyone wishing you a super duper wonderful fab day. Be well. Thanks. Bye now