 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television, proudly presents... Screen Directors Playhouse stars Bob Hope, Jane Russell, production The Pale Face, director Norman McLeod. The Hollywood Screen Directors present the reason the West went wild. The motion picture comedy The Pale Face, starring Bob Hope and Jane Russell in their original roles of Painless Peter Potter and Calamity Jane. It's the Old West, the Rootin, Tootin, Shootin, Old West. And there's trouble in the Indian country? Thousands of settlers are in danger because a band of renegade whites is smuggling rifles and dynamite to the Indians. In desperation, the governor has sent for the one person who might seek out the ringleaders, the famous two-gun frontier gal Calamity Jane. Me in here, the back way. The governor's mansion. First time I ever walked in here of my own free will, with my guns on. Jane, have you ever heard of a man named Preston? We think he's heading up a gang that's smuggling guns and dynamite to the Indians. Why don't you stop him? We can't. Every agent we've sent out has been murdered. Help us and the government will show its gratitude by freeing you of all charges. Why pick on me? Because you're the best shot in the country. Uh, suppose I take your offer? There's a wagon train going west to Indian country from Deerfield. You'll join it. You must disguise yourself. And it's important that you get yourself a husband, too. A husband? Why? Well, Jane, it's secrecy we want. As man and wife, you'll be lost in the crowd. You leave for Fort Deerfield on the next stage. So Calamity Jane in disguise heads for Fort Deerfield to get her man. But somebody else in Fort Deerfield gets his man, too. It's Painless Peter Potter, the dentist. Yes, sir. This'll be the first tooth I ever pulled in Fort Deerfield. Ever pulled him anywhere else? Well, of course, my friend. Can't you see my sign? Painless Peter Potter. I pull teeth without pain. They wouldn't let me play this part till I left pepsidon. Now, if you'll open wide. Well, just remember this gun on my lap while you're looking. You see, it's this one right here, right next to the teeth. Ah, please. No coaching from the audience, please. Now, let me see. The book says one can detect an ailing tooth by the dull sound it makes when struck lightly by a hammer. Hmm, sounds logical. Let's give it a try. There's the little doll now. What gas? Laughing gas. I always use it on my patients. Kind of wish I'd used it on the audience, sir, too. Is this stuff safe? Safest thing in the world. Would you mind paying me now? Laughing gas. Well, it better be good. I'm warning you, doll. Oh, don't be silly. It's harmless. Look, I'll take some myself. You see? Nothing happens. Let's get it over with. Oh, that's fine. Will you join me? Breathe deeply now. Forehead, doc. Hmm. I think. Just look at that. Hey, I struck gold. Oh, gold. That's my inlay. You... You pulled the... You sound like Milton Burrow's mother. What's the matter with you? 15 minutes to get out of town. I got 20 minutes. Come on, horses. Move. You're slowing down. Okay, move over, mister. Oh, Charmed, I'm sure. The name is painless. Say, how did you get on my wagon? I climbed over your tailboard. Oh, come goes through Pasadena. I'll take those reins. Oh, sure, dear. I'm at your disposal. Oh, there, boys. Steady, steady. Come on around now. I got to join that wagon train. The wagon train's heading for Indian country. Well, you're not afraid of Indians, are you? Are you kidding? I lost my scalp on them last year. Cleveland tribe. Give me those... Give me those reins. I'm heading back home. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Now make up your mind, kid. You going with me? Mister, you've got yourself a traveling companion. What's your horse so excited about? That wasn't the horse. That was me. Do we keep traveling? Yeah, keep traveling. Keep them lips coming in the same direction. Closer. Hey, what have you got your gun in your hand for? What's in case somebody tries to interrupt us. Oh, okay. I'm puckering up. Kiss me. Boy, can you kiss. Well, it's too bad I had to slug you, son, but I got to join that wagon train. Look for some goof dumb enough for me to marry. Okay. Kiss me again. A dumb goof. Painless. Hey, painless, painless. Wake up. Wake up. You're just the man I was hoping to meet. You know, there's something about you that appeals to me. Wake up, dummy. We're going to get married. You can tell this is a fantasy, can't you? Well, we got married just in time. That wagon train's all ready to start. Don't forget, painless, you promise to love, honor, and protect me. Yeah, let's do it in the order named, huh? Folks, folks, now we're going to start moving. Everybody follow the wagon ahead of them. Don't want nobody taking the wrong turn because we're an Indian country. Indian country? Jane, do we have to go? Now, darling, listen, you were going to kiss me, remember? Yeah, it's my scalp versus your kisses. Come on, kiss me now. Just call me Baldy. I just wonder where you're Friends don't tow the gun My bones denounce The buck board bounce And the cat just hurts my toes Let's bamboo swear Gals keep using those Buttons and linens to chose And you're all mine In buttons and bows Is that an opinion? Quiet, Crosby, quiet. Can't you see she's sleeping? Not anymore, I'm not. You just woke me up. Anyway, I better stay a wagon. Hey, it's night. Where's the wagon ahead of us? Wagon? Ahead of us? Tarnation, you lost the wagon train. I did not lose the wagon train. They lost me. Now we're in for it, stupid. Alone in the Indian country. You're not alone, I'm here. How can you tell? Look, Jane, there's a black house. I guess we can spend the night there. Let's go. Hey, wait for me. Gee, the two of us alone in our own little black house. That's what I get from marrying a black head. Look, the door's open. Come, my bride, I'll lift you across the threshold. Just a... No wonder Albin Barkley waited so long. Uh, painless, would you get me a drink of cold water, please? Yeah, well, for... Water? Cold? Cold water. Well, that adds up. Now let me see. All right, I'll go, but if I'm not back in three minutes, you know I fell down the well. Maybe he'll be here in three minutes, but I won't. I'm going out and sleeping that wagon. Sounds like Arthur Godfrey's backyard. I'll cut myself. Shaving too close. I'm certainly a nervous wreck. I'd better... Well, look what's here, an arrow. I wonder who shot it. That shouldn't be too hard to figure. Who shoots arrows? Cupid? No, it couldn't be Cupid. William Tao? No, that's silly. India. Not to say, but if I cut my suspenders, my pants will stay up. Honey, you're too young to be a widow. Listen, I'm throwing a couple of guns out there for you. You grab them and take care of yourself. That's a pickled barrel. I could end up with marinated hips. Wait a minute. Guns here, they are. Get in the barrel. There. There you are. Hiya, bud. What's new? Gotta get a hold of myself. Imagine talking to a pickle. Shoot. How do you do it? Guns? Guns? I hope they're loaded. I wish I was too. Darn it, why didn't I pay attention during those hop-along-cacity pictures? Oh, they're attacking. Boy, if these were water pistols, I'd drown them to death. Might as well shut my eyes and shoot. I got one. Let's try that again. This is more fun than canasta. All right, Redskin. Painless Peter Potter has the range. Take this. Three Indians with one bullet. How do you do that? How is it me, William? Here comes the last one. Boy, guns empty. You must have scared him to death. I ran out of Indians. I'm getting out of the barrel. Painless, are you all right? Yeah, yeah. But I'm a little worried of it all. Killing 19 Indians before breakfast. You killed 19 Indians. Count them. But it was me who shot them. Hey, hey, what's been going on here? Well, Painless, look, it's the wagon train. We heard the shooting and turned back and I... Holy smoke. Look at all them dead engines. Hey, everybody, come here, come here. I'm running. Brother, I've got to shake your hand. Just hang on to mine. It'll shake for both of us. Painless, why didn't you tell me you were so brave? Well, I couldn't. I was up to my neck in that pickle barrel. I had cold dills running up and down my spine. Gunners without you drawn off all them Redskins. Now, you're a hero, Painless. Speed, speed. Wow. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, at this time, I'd like to say a few words. Let's get out of here before those Redskins get back. Those are the words. Come on. You are listening to the Screen Director's Playhouse production of The Pale Face starring Bob Hope and Jane Russell and presented by RCA Victor. In 1850, the accepted symbol of the Happy American Home was a fireplace. In 1950, it's an RCA Victor television set. If that symbol hasn't yet become a reality in your home, it may be because you don't realize how RCA Victor has brought down the price of quality television this year. Take just one of their new 1950-16 inch consoles, the TC167, which is yours for about $400. Its cabinet is so superb, you wouldn't be surprised if the price tag applied to it alone. Get inside at a mere flick of a switch. The whole television world rolls toward you with a brilliance of sight and sound which only the world leader in electronics can achieve. See all the new television models at your RCA Victor dealers. Every one of them bears the unmistakable touch of the master hand. Every one goes to your home with the time of your life guaranteed. Now, back to the Screen Director's Playhouse production, The Pale Face starring Bob Hope and Jane Russell in their original roles of Painless Peter Potter and Calamity Jane. Well, the shooting's over for the moment at least. Painless and Jane have rejoined the wagon train and moved on triumphantly to Buffalo Flats. And, of course, Painless is still unaware that his wife is none other than two gun Calamity Jane, a government agent tracking down a gun runner named Preston. In the saloon at Buffalo Flats, all is gay at ease. And our Dauntless Dentist is the hero of the hour. Okay, set him up. Everybody in the house. This here's another round of me. Bartender, bartender. Cellaritonic for everybody. Oh, Mr. Painless, you're wonderful. I sure would be proud to claim you for a friend. Ah, I should say not. I'm a married man. But keep after me, though. Underneath it all, I'm a cad. Order those drinks. See what the boys in the back room will have. Bartender, nobody bothers the boys in the back room. They're talking business. All right, Jeff, we won't be disturbed back here. I am listening, Mr. Preston. Now, we've got word that the Governor has set another agent snooping around. It's supposed to be a dead shot. What's his name? From the looks of things, I'd say his name was Painless Potter. Oh, so that Painless Dentist have that just up front. Yeah, we'll put him away, all right. What about the dynamite? I brought it up in the wagon. Okay, leave it there. What are you going to do about that dinner, Mr. Preston? Listen, yellow feathers waiting on the edge of town. Go tell him to send me six of his braves. Here it is, Janie, our own private room. We're all set, honey. Room and running water. They've got a guy who'll run for it. No, Painless, it wouldn't be fair. Sure, it's fair. They give him a good salary. Three dollars a week and all he can drink. Darling, you're just too modest to understand. You're a hero, a man apart. Yeah, but I can get it all back together with Scott's tape. Look outside there, dear. Once that was a forest, then it became a trail, then a town, and someday it'll be a city. Yeah, that's what I like, progress. And I'm not making any. It'll be a city, darling, with the statue of a great man. And do you know who statue it'll be? Yeah, the guy who invented girls. No. Wait, payments. It'll be a statue of painless Potter. Huh? Yes, sir, and under the statue it'll say, Painless Potter, the intrepid hero who saved an entire wagon train by killing 19 Indians. Nineteen and a half. There was a midget in there someplace. You belong to the people. Our marriage won't work, payments were through. The game is over. Over? I never got past scrimmage. It's just over, that's all. Oh, this is great, great. I give up my career, take you out here in a wagon train, save your life by killing 23 Indians, and now you want to get rid of me. Painless, I'm not the only girl. Believe me, there are other fish in the sea. Yeah, and I'm going out and cast some bait. Hey, maybe I should have kissed a goodbye. What do you know, even thinking about it? Pale face, keep tough. Papato, take pale face to cheap yellow feather now. Painless, was that you? Did you... Take them score, too. Quick, go see Chief. By the accommodation this Indian camp is sure crummy. Why didn't we ask for the bridal TP? Painless, listen, we're in trouble, bad trouble. Yeah, I don't understand why these guys are so mad at me. I guess it's time you did know, Painless. You're in this mess because a renegade named Preston mistook you for somebody else. Who? Me. Are you kidding? Painless, I'm not what you think I am. Well, you're Jane, my wife. I'm Calamity Jane. Yeah, well, that's a pretty nickname. You, Calamity Jane? The two-gun outlaw? Not anymore, Painless. The governor said that he'd clear me if I tracked down Preston. I'm a federal agent, and you were mistaken for me because they thought you killed all those Indians. Then it wasn't me who shot all them Indians? No. Not even one? No, I shot them all. In any minute I could have been killed? Yes. Selling a lot of Pontiacs today. I bet I sure have been handing you a laugh. I'll tell you what they ought to write on that statue. Painless Potter, Poop Head of the Pekos. What now? There's one more thing I gotta tell you. I gotta tell you that I love you. This another laugh? No, Painless. I think you're the kindest, bravest man I ever knew. We gotta get out of here. How? That's what I'm wondering. How? How? Jane, it's the guard, Wapato. That's our chance. You pull out a mouse, sneak up behind him, and conk him. Go ahead. Wapato. What white squaw want? White squaw want talk with Indian brave. White squaw like big strong men. Wapato big and strong. Wapato weak when white squaw talk. Boy, can I kiss. Come on, Jane. I'll take his knife and cut the back of the teepee. Let's go. Painless look, a wagon and some horses. Come on, we gotta get out of here. We'll never make it without guns. There might be some in the wagon. I'll take a look. Ian, I'll unhitch the horses. Gee, it's awful dark in here. Can't see a thing. I better light a match. Nope, no guns, nothing but a lot of barrels. I wonder what's in them. Candles. Why should they pack them in sawdust? Painless, drop that match. Do you want the most? There they've seen us. Yellow feather, they're escaping. That must be Preston. We'll have to run for it, come on. I'm coming. Jump with that horse. Hey, wait a minute. That horse that's harnessed is still hitched to the wagon. That's my garter belt. Come on, let's go. The horse is off the wagon. Get after him, we gotta get him. Don't you... If they get away, we're all... Wait a minute, the wagon. Something's burning in there. The dynamite. If those Indians had ever gotten hold of that dynamite, every white settler in the territory would have died. Well, it's all over, dear. Now we can settle down to our honeymoon. Oh, darling, I can't. The governor's got another job for me. Oh, but Jane... The black feet are getting ready to go on the warpath. But... Don't you see, it's my duty, Paymas. And this time he wants me to go alone. I'm sorry. Will you kiss me goodbye? How you can kiss. Sorry I had to use my gun, sister, but this is important. Let's swan soap take care of the black feet. You have just heard the last act of the pale face. Our stars, Bob Hope and Jane Russell, and our guest screen director, Norman McLeod, will be with us in just a moment. Next Friday, a great dramatic star brings one of his most powerful performances to the screen director's playhouse. Our story is Portrait of Jenny, and recreating his original role will be Joseph Cotton, with screen director, William Dieterley. Now, here to get our tonight's stars, Bob Hope and Jane Russell. Can you hear that applause? Oh, they loved you, Jane. Oh, thank you, Jimmy, but I wasn't... Oh, don't be modest, Jane. When it comes to a really lovable, fresh, talented young star, there's no one in the world to compare with... Hi, everybody. But, Bob, if you don't mind, Jane happens to be one of Hollywood's leading fans for RCA Victor's 45 Automatic Record Changer and Records. And I was hoping to get her all to myself to discuss them. Well, you were hoping against hope. Now, Jane, about your 45. I have a 45, too, you know, a portable if it's intimate detail you want. Why, Bob, my 45 record changer's a portable, too. Isn't it the lightest little thing, even when it's loaded with those 10 tiny records? I'll say, when I first picked up my 45, I didn't know it was loaded. You know, Janey? If... If we should happen to meet on the lot someday, both of us carrying our 45s, we could make beautiful music together. Fact even without our 45s. What first attracted you to the 45, Jane? Why, Jimmy, the marvelous choice of records. RCA Victor really has the very best of everything on the 45. The classics, the folk songs, the pops... Speaking of pops, I see where RCA Victor has just signed up Margaret Truman. Forgive me, Margaret. The trouble with Bob is, Jimmy, it's a big loss because RCA Victor never asked him to record for them. Yeah, Jimmy, I could make a great 45 record. On one side, I'd revive my first giant song hit Thanks for the Memory for people to send in with their income tax checks. And on the other side, Bob, you could say thanks to RCA Victor for bringing the finest recorded music within everybody's reach, even kids. You know, the 45 automatic record changer that you plug into a radio costs only $12.95. Yeah, well, even my old dad, Jack Benny, could buy one of those. The prices on the 45 records start as low as $0.46. It's no wonder the 45 is sweeping the country. Get your 45 soon at your RCA Victor dealers. By here, tell we've got us a real live director here tonight. That's right, partner. We've got him hog-tied, horn-swoggled, and ready to be branded. Well, let's run him out here, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, Jane and I want you to meet the director of The Pale Face and the creator of such grand films as Topper and The Secret Life of Walter Mitty and Pennies from Heaven starring a pooped-out Cosby. Director Norman McLeod. Thank you, Jane and Robert. Gee, it must be great to be a director. How'd you start, Norman? Well, I took the university course that I thought would be most helpful in handling actors. What's that? Icke theology. Icke theology? Yeah, there's study of fish. I'm not sure, but I think I've just been insulted. Well, on the level, Bob, when you get right down to it, you're going to be a great fish food, you see? And fish don't have directors. Yeah, that's where we have it all over the halibut. Both Jane and I know, Norman, that with you calling the shots, we're pretty safe out there in front of the cameras. Thank you, Bob. Imagine a director of Fish Expert. Now I know where that Cosby picture he made was such a success. Good night, Norman, Jane. Good night, Bob. Good night, everyone. And good night to you, Bob Hope, Jane Russell and Norman McLeod. I'm the director of Fish Expert of Jenny with screen director William Dieterley, brought to you by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television. The pale face was presented through the courtesy of Paramount Pictures, whose current release is the Hal Wallace production, Paid in Full, starring Robert Cummings, Lisbeth Scott, and Diana Lin. Bob Hope appeared through the cooperation of Lever Brothers, and his current release is the Paramount Picture, The Great Lover. He appeared in person at the Paramount Theatre in New York. Jane Russell can currently be seen in the Howard Hughes production, The Outlaw, and RKO Release. Norman McLeod's next Paramount release is Let's Dance, starring Betty Hutton and Fred Astaire. Portions of tonight's program were transcribed. Original music was composed and conducted by William Lava. Screen director's playhouse is produced by Howard Wiley with dramatic direction by Bill Karn. Next Friday, when RCA Victor presents... Screen director's playhouse star Joseph Cotton, production portrait of Jenny, director William Dieterle. Now here, Jimmy D'Arabbi and Don Amici on NBC.