 From DailyDoseOfWeirdNews.com, I'm Darren Marlar and this is your Daily Dose of Weird News. In Italy, a delivery driver has been banned from driving after he was caught shaving at 70 miles per hour. Man, at that speed, you could just stick your head out the window, let the wind shear off your whiskers. A family in Florida was left stunned and outraged last week after a couple of animal welfare activists confronted them while they were fishing at a park in St. Petersburg. Bob Hope, no, not that one, the other Bob Hope, says that he and his family were fishing for dinner and had caught a tilapia when a young boy approached them and said, ''You know fish feel pain, you're hurting that fish.'' Well, moments later, a group of protesters appeared from around the corner, grabbed the fish and threw it back into the lake. I'm surprised that a group of vegans even had the energy to get out there and protest. Just maybe Jurassic Park had us all fooled. Apparently outrunning a Tyrannosaurus rex in a jeep would have been easy as pie, because well, T-rex couldn't run. While previous estimates suggested T-rex could move up to 45 miles per hour, scientists at the University of Manchester used advanced computer simulations to come up with the most accurate assessment yet. Taking into account the beast's muscles and skeleton, they discovered running would have been impossible without a T-rex legs buckling under its 7-ton weight. Study author William Sellers says T-rex instead walked at a pace of up to 12 miles per hour, a fast jog for humans and less than half of Usain Bolt's top speed of 27.8 miles per hour. As a researcher not involved in the study tells National Geographic, there's no way T-rex could have chased down that jeep in Jurassic Park if it was going at highway speeds. Maybe if it was in first gear, but even that is a big if. Think about this, Jurassic Park got it wrong, but the old land of the lost TV show got it right. The knot released its annual report on wedding trends and the average cost for 2016 comes to $35,329. Fathers of brides are now bribing the girl's boyfriends to just elope. Elon Musk says he's gotten verbal approval for an ultra-high-speed underground hyperloop rail system that will get passengers from New York to DC in 29 minutes. The trains will be powered by the passengers' screams. O.J. Simpson is inmate number 102-7820 and he will be out in October, resuming his search for the real killer on golf courses all across America. Flex Seal is a new form of duct tape that claims to be able to seal anything even underwater. It's been found to seal just about everything except for the mouths of progressives. Japan's First Lady may have pretended not to know English to avoid chatting with President Trump at a recent G20 dinner. The theory emerged on social media after video surfaced of a 2014 speech by Akiyaba in which she spoke English. Oops, son! A no habla ingres, señor presidente! Bands of feral Reese's macaque monkeys have been making themselves known in central Florida. The current theory is that the monkeys are immigrants from Illinois trying to get away from rising taxes. In England, a taxi driver told an officer he was speeding because his passengers were breaking wind and smelling up his car. Unites at this point, the officer should have realized it was a true emergency and gave the taxi driver a police escort to the location. Francis Gabe, the inventor of the self-cleaning home, has died at the age of 101. Her funeral services will be handled by a machine. 50% of U.S. broadband households are willing to share data and device control of their thermostats, hot water heaters, smart clothes, dryers for discounts on electricity... not share data, but share control? Heck no! I'm not giving some complete stranger the ability to shut off my air conditioning by remote control simply because they're having a bad day at the office. Olympics organizers are hoping to construct metals for Tokyo 2020 from recycled smartphones. The committee hopes to amass 8 tons of metal, enough to produce 5,000 metals by installing collection boxes in more than 2,400 Japanese mobile carrier stores across the country. They should bring some of those collection boxes to America – I probably have half a ton of old cell phones in my office junk drawer. Justin Bieber has been banned from China in order to purify the nation. Researchers say they may have discovered the tomb of King Tut's wife. It's rumored she was the one who really wore the pants in Egypt. A Louisiana man has been arrested and booked into the same jail for the 77th time. This time he was caught when he got stuck in the chimney of a business. Should there not be some kind of limit on how many times you can get arrested without being confined to house arrest with an ankle monitor and an electrified fence? That white Ford Bronco in which the famous OJ Simpson Chase took place is now in the Alcatraz East Crime Museum in Tennessee. At least for now, the juice is going to need a vehicle to travel between golf courses when he gets out in October. People have shared some of the new emojis coming later this year. They include a zombie, T-Rex, zebra, mind-blown, vomit, yoga and breastfeeding. Breastfeeding? How often is that emoji needed? Who was clamoring for that one? New research predicts that in 65 billion years the moon will crash into the earth. Wow, that's a good thing I just renewed my homeowner's insurance. A virginia mat has been sentenced to 132 years for stealing tires. 132 years? Did he murder a small village with those tires? A recent study found that women find stubble more attractive than any other kind of facial hair, and even more than a clean shave and face. Researchers theorize it's because scruff makes a dude look more mature. However, ladies, it doesn't work the other way around. We do not think your leg stubble is sexy. The Three Rivers School District in Texas has approved corporal punishment. As in, paddling your butt. Parents would have to approve its use, but if they do, a bad child could be spanked. The tougher schools will be incorporating counting the number of swats kids get into the math classes to help teach addition. Lubie lives in New York City and is famous for giving hugs. She is a five-year-old golden retriever who likes to hang out on a street corner near her owner's home and give out free hugs to stressed New Yorkers. You know, with the amount of stress in New York, I'd be afraid my dog would be crushed to death. White House spokesman Sean Spicer resigned on Friday. Saturday Night Live is still in morning. A guy in China is breathing better after doctors removed a bottle cap from his throat. He'd accidentally swallowed it while opening a beer with his teeth. So obviously he was a couple cans short of a six-pack to begin with. Hawaii is taking North Korea's new ballistic missile capability seriously, and it's making plans for what to do in case of an attack. People on the islands haven't been this concerned since the famous ukulele shortage. Scientists say they have found the reason for misophonia. It's a condition that makes some people find certain noises unbearable. Oh, I thought it was just being upset over losing your smartphone. Misophonia. I guess I don't have misophonia after all. Apparently China does though because they've banned Justin Bieber. Lana Del Rey has confirmed that she is resorted to witchcraft and attempted to place a hex on US President Donald Trump. Obviously it didn't work because he is still tweeting. A Florida meth dealer called 9-1-1 recently to report a bag of cocaine he says was stolen from him. Yes, but your meth is okay, right? Well, thank goodness for that. There is an uptick in people taking funeral selfies. Selfies with an open casket in plain view behind them. The only way this could be more inappropriate is to caption the photo with Wish You Were Here. Rockstar and Trump supporter Kid Rock is said to be considering a run for Senate from his home state of Michigan. Kid vows to make Michigan far out groovy again. Snopes.com, one of the Internet's first and most famous fact-checking websites, said Monday that a previous website hosting vendor continues to hold the Snopes.com website hostage and the site is in danger of shutting down if it doesn't raise $500,000. Snopes has started a GoFundMe campaign. Man, I wish there was some fact-checking website I could go to to see if this story is true or not. Study says too much time at work can lead to an irregular heart rhythm. At least that's the excuse for leaving early I'm going to try out this week. YouTube has begun redirecting online searches for violent extremist content and ISIS recruitment propaganda to anti-terrorist videos. I understand what they're trying to do, but are we sure this is such a great idea? I mean, wouldn't being redirected to something you didn't search for make you that much more angry at the world? Donald Trump has named a temporary ethics chief because if anyone in his staff has ethics odds are pretty good that it will only be temporary. An Oregon woman found herself in the emergency room recently after her pet ball python named Bart got itself stuck in her gauged ear lobe. On the plus side though, hey, cool earring! Down in Daytona Beach, Florida, a 10-year-old Florida boy described by police as flashy cut off his ankle monitor the day after being charged with stealing a car and then stole another one. Police say it was his fourth arrest for car theft in just six weeks. Daytona Beach police sergeant Tim Ehrenkofer says the boy has a look at me attitude and investigators have noticed a brashness that's not common in children that young. Amazingly, the boy is so small that when police seized the stolen car, the driver's seat was pushed up to the steering wheel. He was first arrested in June after police say he stole a car. Epic parenting fail. Epic. Most people commute by bus, train or car, but a German man gets to work by plunging into Munich's Isar River. Benjamin David was fed up with the stress of commuting on busy city roads, so he now packs his laptop, suit and shoes into a waterproof bag, straps it to his back and swims two kilometers to work. I can understand wanting to avoid city traffic, even taking the river out, but have they not invented canoes yet in Germany? Washington State has a new law against distracted driving – eating, applying makeup or playing with your pet while driving will cost you $99. And if they catch you feeding your pet while applying makeup to it, they can legally take your entire car. McDonald's is coming out with their own line of clothing, so good news for those who look fabulous in red and yellow combos. Well, it appears Officer Karma is still on the job. In Pennsylvania, 56-year-old Judith Permar died after she got her arm stuck in a drop-off clothing donation bin she was apparently trying to steal clothes from. Police believe Permar arrived at the clothing drop-off box around 2am and stood on a step stool to reach her arm inside. She reportedly was pulling bags out of the bin when her stool collapsed and her arm got stuck inside with her feet dangling off the ground. Her body was found around 8.30am with her black Hummer still running nearby. Her death was ruled accidental from blunt force trauma. She also had a broken arm and wrist and had hypothermia. While you know the Bible does say the wages of sin is death and one of the big ten is thou shalt not steal, so... A Wisconsin technology company is offering its employees microchip implants that can be used to scan into the building and purchase food at work. Whether or not to get a chip is up to the employee to decide. Meanwhile, more than 50,000 people globally have radio-frequency identification chips or RFID tags inserted under their skin. The tags can provide access to medical information, log on to computers, unlock doors, and also send you directly to hell once the rapture takes place and the Antichrist takes over. It's been shown that New Yorkers bite ten times more people than sharks do worldwide each year. Hey, new invention idea. Hoodie shark cage. Some viewers are ticked off that they tuned into the Discovery Channel to watch Michael Phelps race a great wide shark to kick off Shark Week only to see him race a special effects shark, not a real one. Agreed, that is blatantly false advertising. Plus, what a pansy. The 60-year-old leader of a polygamous community in Canada has been found guilty of having 25 wives. I'd say time has already been served though, but he has obviously been punished enough. Justin Bieber has canceled the remaining 15 shows of his Purpose World Tour due to unforeseen circumstances. The decision is on purpose, but we don't know the purpose. According to the book American Bedtime Routines, 18% of Americans allow their pets to sleep in bed with them. Huh, I wonder how many of those were horse owners. A Michigan woman accused of stealing flowers from local cemeteries to decorate her own home has found out what it's going to cost her. A judge in Flint sentenced Lisa Corcoran of Vienna Township on Monday to nine months in jail with credit for 36 days already served. She pleaded guilty in June to attempted larceny of items valued at between $1,000 and $20,000. The 44-year-old Corcoran also will serve three years of probation and perform community service. She was arrested after someone saw a car full of flowers leaving a cemetery. I think the entire nine months of jail time and her community service should be spent caring for that cemetery. The man in China who claimed he was abducted for two months was eventually released by his captors because he ate too much. Haha, perhaps that's why I've never been kidnapped. One look at me and the criminals would have to know they couldn't afford the food budget. President Trump told a crowd Tuesday night in Youngstown, Ohio that other than Lincoln he is our most presidential of presidents and believes he could one day be on Mount Rushmore. Um, just… wow. According to a survey, the five U.S. states with the fittest residents are Oregon, New Mexico, Wyoming, Vermont and Connecticut. Mississippi is ranked as one of the most unhealthy states, possibly due to the toxic waste trucked in from Oregon, New Mexico, Wyoming, Vermont and Connecticut. We could all get stressed and even freak out a little bit from time to time, but the last person you want to find out is having a full-blown nervous breakdown is your pilot. Fortunately, the United Airlines jet hadn't taken off yet. In Austin, Texas, a pilot began addressing passengers via the intercom about her divorce and the presidential election, she called both candidates liars before breaking into tears. The plane was still parked on the runway, as she spoke, and about half the passengers got up and left. In a since-deleted video posted by a passenger, the pilot can be heard saying, don't worry, I'm going to let my co-pilot fly. Although after this mental breakdown, I would be wondering if her co-pilot was just a figment of her imagination. Microsoft says that MS Paint will live on, and that Sunday's announcement was all a big misunderstanding. In response to the attention the potential removal of Paint received, the company clarified that the popular feature will live on in the Windows store, for all three people who still use it. There is a sunken Nazi ship off the coast of Iceland, possibly carrying $130 million worth of gold. But there is some question as to who gets the gold. I vote me. At $12.9 billion, you'd think an aircraft carrier would have pretty much everything you can think of. And the brand-new Gerald R. Ford does. Well, except for one thing. Urinals. It's a surprising first for the Navy, which came about following the decision to make every head gender-neutral. That will reportedly make it easier for the Navy to pivot and change the corresponding birthing area to housing female sailors vs. male and vice versa as the makeup of deployments change. Those are the pros. The cons, according to design experts, are that toilets eat up more space than urinals and are much less sanitary. As one such expert explains, men are more likely to miss their mark in a toilet. Nevertheless, President Trump commissioned the warship on Saturday in Norfolk, Virginia. We'll look for this baby on the high seas anytime soon, though – a battery of at-sea tests and workups are required first, which could take up to four years to complete. People who are blessed to have solid networks of good friends and caring neighbors boost their chances of survival by 50% according to research from Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah. The team analyzed nearly 150 international studies with 300,000 people from four continents that examined the association between survival odds and social networks. People who had the strongest social networks were nearly twice as likely to be alive at any given age than those who were lonely. And the opposite is also true – having just a few friends is as damaging to survival as smoking 15 cigarettes a day or being an alcoholic. Heck, I've got over 3,000 friends on Facebook, so I'm like immortal, right? There's a 38% chance you'll catch the flu if someone in your household is infected, but according to trends in microbiology, you can cut your risk by washing your hands often. And also avoiding licking the palms of that sick person. A Florida family was jolted away one recent morning, startled to find that 15 lbs of frozen meat had crashed onto their roof. Travis Adair says, it was like thunder and it awakened me out of sleep. Family members went outside to investigate. They found two packages of frozen Italian pork sausage in their yard and three more on the roof. Adair adds that the meat sacks must have fallen from above, since they were too heavy to have been thrown onto the roof from the ground. His wife, Jenny, speculated the meat fell from a plane and may have related to a drug deal. Yes, because underground black market drug transactions are also done using stuff you can get from any grocery store deli counter. San Francisco Bay Area McDonald's is testing out crab sandwiches. It gets really soggy, though, when you dip it into the melted butter. While going through his storage, Alice Cooper discovered some art that could be worth millions. You know, it's nice to know that an aging rock star put something away for his future, but even if he forgot he put it away. This White House spokesman Sean Spicer needed a mini-fridge when he started with the Trump administration, so he allegedly took one from an office of junior staffers. The Wall Street Journal reports that about a month into his short run on the national stage, Spicer lacked a fridge to keep his lunch and beverages chilled. So he sent one of his aides to the office in a building near the White House. The young staffers told the Spicer aide that they would not give up their mini-fridge, so Spicer waited until they left, sneaked into their office, and carried the fridge up the White House driveway around 8pm one night. Wow, stealing from the less powerful below you, right from the first day, that's gotta be a record. Cat Zodia in Malaysia is the world's first five-star hotel for cats. The hotel swimming pool is almost never crowded. The 2018 Ford Mustang GT will be the fastest ever, 0-60mph, although Ford is not saying precisely how fast, thanks to a new 10-speed automatic transmission, electronic drag mode, and upgraded 5.0-liter V8 engine. Exactly what you need for that stop-and-go rush-hour traffic. Debit Stratow of New York recently took to Facebook to berate his local Starbucks for making his iced coffee with regular milk instead of soy milk, as he ordered it. In his post, he wrote, I've pooped 11 times since the AM, my bottom hurts from all the wiping. You think I enjoy soy milk? I don't order soy milk because I'm bored and want my drink order to sound fancy. I order soy milk so that my bottom doesn't blast fire for four hours. For its part, Starbucks did send him a $50 gift card. The U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service says it will attempt to save an endangered ferret species in Montana by using a drone that will shoot M&Ms loaded with vaccines. Instead of being endangered, the ferrets will now just become obese. A terrified woman in the U.K. called for help after finding a tarantula the size of her hand in a cabinet in her home. When help arrived, they found the eight-legged creature was just a plastic toy. I'm going to take a stab in the dark here and say her kids are boys. The coffee shop in Brooklyn, New York is now featuring an $18 cup of coffee, which would be a great deal if you got free refills for life. Facebook has been displaced by Instagram as the worst social networking site for cyberbullying. I guess poking just isn't what it used to be. According to a recent study, South Korea drinks more hard liquor than any other nation, pounding down an average of 13.7 shots a week. Well, Kim Jong-un is their next-door neighbor. Can you blame him? President Trump spoke at the White House Wednesday afternoon to the American Legion Boys Nation and Auxiliary Girls Nation, two groups in which young men and women are acting as senators for their respective states and participating in a mock lawmaking process. Unlike the adult senators, the kids have already passed a new healthcare bill and have moved on to solving the immigration problem. The Florida man accused of making $7 billion in fraudulent wire transfers told the court he stole the money because Jesus wanted him to be wealthy. ***Yeah, let's see here, Jesus is the Son of God. God said thou shalt not steal. I'm thinking that maybe that wasn't Jesus you heard from, pal. According to the Weather Channel, fall weather will reportedly be extremely hot in the United States. The East Coast, the South and the Midwest will all experience higher-than-average temps starting in September and lasting all the way through November. The only spot spared from the unseasonal balmyness is the Northwest. But then they're wrong half the time when predicting rain in the next 24 hours, so I wouldn't put much stock in what they say is going to happen three months from now. Mississippi is considering bringing back the firing squad as a method of execution. Well, that should throw a few liberals into a tizzy. In D.C. on Tuesday, a Secret Service agent accidentally shot himself when his weapon went off. Or he was just that desperate to get away from POTUS. A guy in Italy faked his own kidnapping to keep his wife from finding out he crashed her new car. Now the poor guy could face criminal charges, which is still better than dealing with the wrath of his wife. 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I'm Darren Marlar and I'll see you next time, Weirdos.