 CHAPTER VII ETIKIT IN SOCIETY, IN BUSINESS, IN POLITICS, AND AT HOME BY EMILY POST CHAPTER VII CONVERSATION NEED OF RECIPROCITY Ideal conversation should be a matter of equal give and take, but too often it is all take. The voluble talker or chatterer rides his own hobby straight through the hours, without giving anyone else, who might also like to say something, a chance to do other than exhaustively await the turn that never comes. Once in a while, a very long while, one meets a brilliant person, whose talk is a delight, or still more rarely, a wit who manipulates every ordinary topic with the agility of a sleight of hand performer, to the ever-increasing rapture of his listeners. But as a rule, the man who has been led to believe that he is a brilliant and interesting talker, has been led to make himself a rapacious pest. No conversation is possible between others whose ears are within reach of his ponderous voice. Anecdotes, long-winded stories, dramatic and pathetic, stalk his repertoire, but worst of all are his humorous yarns at which he laughs uproariously, though everyone else grows solemn and more solemn. There is a simple rule by which, if one is a voluble chatterer, to be a good talker necessitates a good mind, one can at least refrain from being a pest or a bore, and the rule is merely to stop and think. Think before you speak. Nearly all the faults or mistakes in conversation are caused by not thinking. For instance, a first rule for behavior in society is, quote, Try to do and say those things only which will be agreeable to others, unquote. Yet how many people who really know better, people who are perfectly capable of intelligent understanding if they didn't let their brains remain asleep or locked tight, go night after night to dinner parties, day after day to other social gatherings, and absentmindedly prayed about this or that without ever taking the trouble to think what they are saying and to whom they are saying it? Would a young mother describe twenty or thirty cunning tricks and sayings of the baby to a bachelor who has been helplessly put beside her at dinner if she thought? She would know very well, alas, that not even a very dear friend would really care for more than an hors d'oeuvre of the subject at the board of general conversation. The older woman is even worse, unless something occurs, often when it is too late, to make her wake up and realize that she not only bores her hearers but prejudices everyone against her children by the unrestraint of her own praise. The daughter who is continually lauded as the most captivating and beautiful girl in the world seems to the wearied perceptions of enforced listeners, annoying and plain. In the same way the magnificent son is handicapped by his mothers or his fathers overweening pride and love in exact proportion to its displayed intensity. On the other hand, the neglected wife, the unappreciated husband, the misunderstood child takes on a glamour in the eyes of others equally out of proportion, that great love has seldom perfect wisdom is one of the great tragedies in the drama of life. In the case of the overloving wife or mother, someone should love her enough to make her stop and think that her loving praise is not merely a question of boring her hearers, but of handicapping unfairly those for whom she would gladly lay down her life, and yet few would have the courage to point out to her that she would far better lay down her tongue. The cynics say that those who take part in social conversation are bound to be either the boars or the board, and that which you choose to be is a mere matter of selection. And there must be occasions in the life of every one when the cynics seem to be right. The man of affairs who, sitting next to an attractive-looking young woman, is regaled throughout dinner with the detailed accomplishments of the young woman's husband. The woman of intellect who must listen with interest to the droolings of an especially prosy man who holds forth on the super-everything of his own possessions cannot very well consider that the evening was worth dressing, sitting up, and going out for. People who talk too easily are apt to talk too much, and at times imprudently, and those with vivid imagination, are often unreliable in their statements. On the other hand, the quote man of silence, unquote, who never speaks except when he has something worthwhile to say, is apt to wear well among his intimates, but is not likely to add much to the gaiety of a party. Try not to repeat yourself, either by telling the same story again and again, or by going back over details of your narrative that seemed especially to interest or amuse your hearer. Many things are of interest when briefly told and for the first time. Nothing interests when too long dwelt upon. The exception is something very pleasant that you have heard about A, or more especially A's child, which having already told A, you can tell B, and later C, in A's presence. Never do this as a habit, however, and never drag the incident into the conversation merely to flatter A, since if A is a person of taste he will be far more apt to resent than be pleased by flattery that borders on the fulsome. Be careful not to let amiable discussion turn into contradiction and argument. The tactful person keeps his prejudices to himself, and even when involved in a discussion says quietly, No, I don't think I agree with you, or it seems to me thus and so, one who is well bred never says you are wrong, or nothing of the kind. If he finds another's opinion utterly opposed to his own, he switches to another subject for a pleasanter channel of conversation. When someone is talking to you, it is inconsiderate to keep repeating, what did you say? Those who are deaf are often obliged to ask that a sentence be repeated, otherwise there are relevant answers would make them appear half-witted. But countless persons with perfectly good hearing say, what? From force of habit and careless inattention. The gift of humor. The joy of joys is the person of light, but unmalicious humor. If you know anyone who is gay, beguiling, and amusing, you will, if you are wise, do everything you can to make him prefer your house and your table to any other. For where he is, the successful party is also. What he says is of no matter, it is the twist he gives to it, the intonation, the personality he puts into his quip or retort, or observation that delights his hearers, and in his case the ordinary rules do not apply. Eugene Field could tell a group of people that it had reigned today, and would probably reign tomorrow, and to make everyone burst into laughter, or tears if he chose, according to the way it was said, that the ordinary rest of us must, if we would be thought sympathetic, intelligent, or agreeable, quote, go fishing, unquote. GOING FISHING FOR TOPICS The charming talker is neither more nor less than a fisherman—fisherwoman, rather, as in America women make more effort to be agreeable than men do. Sitting next to a stranger, she wonders which fly she had better choose to interest him. She offers one topic, not much of a nibble, so she tries another, or perhaps a third, before he rises to the bait. THE DOOR SLAMMERS There are people whose idea of conversation is contradiction and flat statement. Bring yourself next to one of these, you venture. Have you seen any good plays lately? No, I hate the theatre. Which team are you for in the series? Neither. Only an idiot could be interested in baseball. Country must have a good many idiots, mockingly. Obviously it has. Full stop. In desperation, you veer to the personal. I've never seen Mrs. Bobo Gilding as beautiful as she is tonight. Nothing beautiful about her. Thanks for the name Bobo, it's asinine. Oh, it's just one of those children's names that stick sometimes for life. Perfect rot ought to be called by his name, et cetera. Another, not very different in type, though different in method, is the self-appointed instructor whose proper place is on the lecture-platform, not at the dinner-table. The earliest coins struck in the Peloponneses were stamped on one side only, their alloy, et cetera. Another is the expounder of the obvious. Have you ever noticed, says he, deeply thinking, how people's tastes differ? Then there is the vulgarian, a fulsome compliment. Why are you so beautiful? It is not fair to the others. And so on. Tactless blunders. Tactless people are also legion. The means to be agreeable, elderly man, says to a passe acquaintance, twenty years ago you were the prettiest woman in town, or in the pleasantest tone of voice, to one whose only son has married. Why is it, do you suppose, that young wives always dislike their mothers-in-law? If you have any ambition to be sought after in society, you must not talk about the unattractiveness of old age to the elderly, about the joys of dancing and skating to the lame, or about the advantages of ancestry to the self-made. It is also dangerous, as well as needlessly unkind, to ridicule or criticize others, especially for what they can't help. If a young woman's familiar or otherwise lax behavior deserves censure, a casual, unflattering remark may not add to your own popularity if your listener is a relative, but you can at least, without being shame-faced, stand by your guns. On the other hand, to say needlessly, what an ugly girl, or what a half-wit that boy is, can be of no value except in drawing attention to your own tactlessness. The young girl, who admired her own facile adjectives, said to a casual acquaintance, how can you go about with that moth-eaten, squint-eyed bag of a girl? Because, answered the youth whom she had intended to dazzle, the lady of your flattering epithets happens to be my sister. It is scarcely necessary to say that one whose tactless remarks ride roughshod over the feelings of others is not welcomed by many. THE BORE A bore is said to be, quote, one who talks about himself when you want to talk about yourself, unquote, which is superficially true enough, but a bore might more accurately be described as one who is interested in what does not interest you, and insists that you share his enthusiasm in spite of your disinclination. To the bore life holds no dullness. Every subject is of unending delight. A story told for the thousandth time has not lost its thrill. Every tiresome detail is held up, and turned about as a morsel of delectableness. To him each pea in a pod differs from another, with the entrancing variety that artists find in tropical sunsets. On the other hand, to be bored is a bad habit, and one only too easy to fall into. As a matter of fact, it is impossible, almost, to meet anyone who has not something of interest to tell you if you are but clever enough yourself to find out what it is. There are certain always delightful people who refuse to be bored. Their attitude is that no subject need ever be utterly uninteresting, so long as it is discussed for the first time. Repetition alone is deadly dull. Besides, what is the matter with trying to be agreeable yourself? Not too agreeable. Alas, it is true, quote, be polite to bores, and so shall you have bores always round about you, unquote. Furthermore, there is no reason why you should be bored when you can be otherwise. But if you find yourself sitting in the hedgerow with nothing but weeds, there is no reason for shutting your eyes and seeing nothing, instead of finding what beauty you may in the weeds. To put it cynically, life is too short to waste it in drawing blanks. Therefore it is up to you to find as many pictures to put upon your blank pages as possible. A few important details of speech in conversation. Unless you wish to stamp yourself a person who has never been out of, quote, provincial, unquote, society, never speak of your husband as mister, except to an inferior. Mrs. Worldly, for instance, in talking with a stranger would say, my husband, and to a friend, meaning one not only whom she calls by her first name, but anyone on her dinner list, she says, Dick thought the play amusing, or Dick said. This does not give her listener the privilege of calling him Dick. The listener in return speaks of her own husband as Tom, even if he is seventy, unless her hearer is a very young person, either man or woman, when she would say, my husband, never mister older. To call your husband mister means that you consider the person you are talking to beneath you in station. Mr. Worldly in the same way speaks of Mrs. Worldly as my wife, to a gentleman, or Edith in speaking to a lady, always. In speaking about other people, one says Mrs., miss, or mister, as the case may be. It is bad form to go about saying Edith Worldly, or Ethel Norman, to those who do not call them Edith, or Ethel, and to speak thus familiarly of one whom you do not call by her first name is unforgivable. It is also a frontery for a younger person to call an older by her or his first name, without being asked to do so, only a very underbred, thick-skinned person would attempt it. Also you must not take your conversation out of the drawing-room. Men's ills or personal blemishes, details and opportunances of the dressing-room, for instance, are neither suitable nor pleasant topics, nor are personal jokes in good taste. The Omniscience of the Very Rich Why a man, because he has millions, should assume that they confer omniscience in all branches of knowledge, is something which may be left to the psychologist to answer, but most of those thrown much in contact with millionaires will agree that an attitude of infallibility is typical of a fair majority. A professor who has devoted his life to a subject modestly makes a statement. You are all wrong, says the man of millions, it is this way. As a connoisseur he seems to think that because he can pay for anything he fancies he is accredited expert as well as potential owner. Because he does not care for our Bosch, those which he has a smattering of, he simply appropriates. His prejudices are, in his opinion, expert criticism. His taste impeccable, his judgment infallible, and to him the world is a pleasant build for his soul pleasuring. But to the rest of us, who also have to live in it with as much harmony as we can, each persons are certainly elephants at large in the garden. We can sometimes induce them to pass through gently, but they are just as likely at any moment to pull up our fences and push the house itself over on our defenseless heads. There are countless others, of course, very often the richest of all, who are authoritative in all they profess, who are experts and connoisseurs, who are human and helpful, and above everything, respectors of the garden enclosure of others, dangers to be avoided. In conversation the dangers are very much the same as those to be avoided in writing letters. Talk about things which you think will be agreeable to your hearer. Don't dilate on ills, misfortune, or other unpleasantnesses. The one and greatest danger of making enemies is the man or woman of brilliant wit. If sharp, wit is apt to produce a feeling of mistrust even while it stimulates. Furthermore, the applause which follows every witty sally becomes in time breath to the nostrils and perfectly well-intentioned people, who mean to say nothing unkind, in the flash of a second see a point, and in the next second score it with no more power to resist than a drug addict can resist a dose put into his hand. The mimic is a joy to his present company, but the eccentric mannerism of one is much easier to imitate than the charm of another, and the subjects of the habitual mimic are all too apt to become his enemies. You need not, however, be dull because you refrain from the rank habit of a critical attitude which, like a weed, will grow all over the place if you let it have half a chance. A very good resolve to make and keep, if you would also keep any friends you make, is never to speak of any one without, in imagination, having them overhear what you say. One often hears the exclamation, I would say it to her face, at least be very sure that this is true, and not a braggart's phrase, and then, nine times out of ten, think better of it, and refrain. Teaching is all very well in a textbook, school room, or pulpit, but it has no place in society. Society is supposed to be a pleasant place, telling people disagreeable things to their faces, or behind their backs is not a pleasant occupation. Do not be too apparently clever, if you would be popular. The cleverest woman is she, who in talking to a man makes him seem clever. This was Madame Recomire's great charm. A few maxims for those who talk too much and easily. The faults of commission are far more serious than those of omission, regrets or seldom for what you left unsaid. The chatterer reveals every corner of his shallow mind, one who keeps silent cannot have his depth plumbed. Don't pretend to know more than you do, to say you have read a book, and then seemingly to understand nothing of what you have read proves you a half-wit. Only the very small mind hesitates to say, I don't know. Above all, stop and think what you are saying. This is really the first, last, and only rule. If you stop, you can't chatter or expound or flounder ceaselessly, and if you think, you will find a topic and a manner of presenting your topic, so that your neighbor will be interested rather than long suffering. Remember also that the sympathetic, not apathetic, listener is the delight of delights. The person who looks glad to see you, who is seemingly eager for your news, or enthralled with your conversation, who looks at you with the kindling of the face, and gives you spontaneous and undivided attention, is the one to whom the palm for the art of conversation would undoubtedly be awarded. End of Chapter 7. CHAPTER VIII. It is difficult to explain why well-bred people avoid certain words and expressions that are admitted by etymology and grammar. So it must be merely stated that they have, and undoubtedly always will, avoid them. Moreover this choice of expression is not set forth in any printed guide or book on English, though it is followed in all literature. To liken best society to a fraternity, with the avoidance of certain seemingly unimportant words as the sign of recognition, is not a fantastic simile. People of the fashionable world invariably use certain expressions and instinctively avoid others. Therefore, when a stranger uses an avoided one, he proclaims that he does not belong exactly as a pretended freemason proclaims himself an outsider by giving the wrong grip or whatever it is by which brother masons recognize one another. People of position are people of position the world over, and by their speech are most readily known. Appearance on the other hand often passes muster. A showgirl may be lovely to look at as she stands in a seemingly unstudied position and in perfect clothes, but let her say, my God, or wouldn't that jar you, and where is her loveliness then? And yet, and this is the most difficult part of the subject to make clear, the most vulgar slang like that quoted above is scarcely worse than the attempted elegance which those unused to good society imagine to be the evidence of cultivation. People who say, I come, and I seen it, and I done it, prove by their lack of grammar that they had little education in their youth, unfortunate very, but they may at the same time be brilliant, exceptional characters, loved by everyone who knows them, because they are what they seem, and nothing else. But the caricature, lady, with the comic picture, society manner, who says, pardon me, and talks of retiring and residing and desiring, and being acquainted with and attending this and that with her escort, and curls her little finger over the handle of her teacup, and praits of culture does not belong to best society, and never will. The offense of pretentiousness is committed oftener perhaps by women than by men, who are usually more natural and direct. A genuine, sincere, kindly American man or woman can go anywhere and be welcomed by everyone, provided of course that he is a man of ability and intellect. One finds him all over the world, neither aping the manners of others, nor treading on the sensibilities of those less fortunate than himself. Occasionally too there appears in best society a provincial in whose conversation is perceptible the influence of much reading of the Bible. Such are seldom, if ever stilted, or pompous, or long-worded, but are invariably distinguished for the simplicity and dignity of their English. There is no better way to cultivate taste in words than by constantly reading the best English. None of the words and expressions which are taboo in good society will be found in books of proved literary standing. But it must not be forgotten that there can be a vast difference between literary standing and popularity, and that many of the best sellers have no literary merit whatsoever. To be able to separate best English from merely good English needs a long process of special education, but to recognize bad English one need merely skim through a page of a book, and if a single expression in the left-hand column following can be found, unless purposely quoted in illustration of vulgarity, it is quite certain that the author neither writes the best English nor belongs to best society. Never say, in our residence we retire early, or arise, correct form, at our house we go to bed early, or get up. Never say, I desire to purchase, correct form, I should like to buy. Never say, make you acquainted with, correct form, see introductions. Never say, pardon me, correct form, I beg your pardon, or excuse me, or sorry. Never say, lovely food, correct form, good food. Never say, elegant home, correct form, beautiful house, or place. Never say, a stylish dresser, correct form, she dresses well, or she wears lovely clothes. Never say, charmed, or pleased to meet you, correct form, how do you do? Never say, attended, correct form, went to. Never say, I trust I am not trespassing, correct form, I hope I am not in the way, unless trespassing on private property is actually meant. Never say, request, meaning ask, correct form, used only in the third person, informal, written invitations. Never say, will you accord me permission, correct form, will you let me, or may I? Never say, permit me to assist you, correct form, let me help you. Never say, brainy, correct form, brilliant, or clever. Never say, I presume, correct form, I suppose. Never say, tendered him a banquet, correct form, gave him a dinner. Never say, converse, correct form, talk. Never say, partook of liquid refreshment, correct form, had something to drink. Never say, perform ablutions, correct form, wash. Never say, a song entitled, correct form, called, proper if used in legal sense. Never say, I will ascertain, correct form, I will find out. Never say, residence or mansion, correct form, house, or big house. Never say, in the home, correct form, in someone's house, or at home. Never say, phone, photo, auto, correct form, telephone, photograph, automobile. Tin-tenabulary summons, meaning bell, and bovine continuation, meaning cow's tail, are more amusing than offensive, but they illustrate the theory of bad style that is pretentious. As examples of the very worst offenses that can be committed, the following are offered. Pray accept my thanks for the flattering ovation you have tendered me. Yes, says the preposterous bride, I am the recipient of many admired and highly prized gifts. Will you permit me to recall myself to you? Speaking of bridesmaids as pretty servitors, dispensing hospitality, asking any one to step this way. Many other expressions are provincial, and one who seeks purity of speech should, if possible, avoid them. But as offenses, they are minor, reckon, guess, calculate, or figure, meaning think, allow, meaning agree, folks, meaning family, cute, meaning pretty, or winsome. While I declare, pawn my word, box-party, meaning sitting in a box at the theatre, visiting with, meaning talking to. There are certain words which have been singled out and misused by the undiscriminating until their value is destroyed. Long ago, elegant was turned from a word denoting the essence of refinement and beauty into gaudy trumpery. Refined is on the verge, but the pariah of the language is culture. A word rarely used by those who truly possess it, but so constantly misused by those who understand nothing of its meaning, that it is becoming a synonym for vulgarity and imitation. To speak of the proper use of a finger bowl, or the ability to introduce two people without a blunder as being evidence of culture of the highest degree, is precisely as though evidence of highest education were claimed for whoever can do sums in addition and read words of one syllable. Culture in its true meaning is widest possible education, plus a special refinement and taste. The fact that slang is apt and forceful makes its use irresistibly tempting. Course or profane slang is beside the mark, but fliver, taxi, the movies, deadly, meaning dull, feeling fit, feeling blue, grafter, a fake, grouch, hunch, and righto, are typical of words that it would make our spoken language stilted to exclude. All colloquial expressions are little foxes that spoil the grapes of perfect diction, but they are very little foxes. It is the false elegance of stupid pretentiousness that is an annihilating blight which destroys root and vine. In the choice of words we can hardly find a better guide than the lines of Alexander Pope – quote – in words as fashions the same rule will hold alike fantastic if too new or old, be not the first by whom the new are tried, nor yet the last to lay the old aside – unquote. Traits of pronunciation, which are typical of whole sections of the country, or accents inherited from European parents, must not be confused with crude pronunciations that have their origin in illiteracy. A gentleman of Irish blood may have a brogue as rich as plum cake, or another's accent be soft southern, or flat New England, or rolling western, and to each of these the utterance of the others may sound too flat, too soft, too harsh, too refined, or draught, or clipped short, but not uncultivated. To a New York ear, which ought to be fairly unbiased, since the New York accent is a composite of all accents, English women, chirrup, and Twitter, but the beautifully modulated, clear-clipped annunciation of the cultivated Englishman, one who can move his jaws and not swallow his words whole, comes as near to perfection in English, as the diction of the comédie français comes to perfection in French. The Boston accent is very crisp, and in places suggestive of the best English, but the vowels are so curiously flattened that the speech has a saltless effect. There is no rhyming word as flat as the way they say heart, hot, and bone, and coat, bon, cot, to rhyme with awe. Then south there is too much salt, rather too much sugar, everyone's mouth seems full of it, with eye turned to ah, and every staccato a drawl, but the voices are full of sweetness and music unknown north of the Potomac. The Pennsylvania Burr is perhaps the mother of the western one. It is strong enough to have mothered all the R's in the world. Philadelphia's Howe and Cow, for Howe and Cow, and me, for my, is quite as bad as the water and thought of the west. New York is supposed to say yeah, and America, and Tuesday, and Puddin, probably five percent of it does, but as a whole it has no accent, since it is a composite of all in one. In best New York society there is perhaps a generally accepted pronunciation, which seems chiefly an elimination of the accents of other sections. Probably that is what all people think of their own pronunciation, or do they not know whether their inflection is right or wrong. Everything should be simpler to determine, if they pronounce according to a standard dictionary they are correct, if they don't they have an accent or are ignorant. It is for them to determine which. Such differences as between saying wash or wash, advertisement or advertisement, are of small importance, but no one who makes the least pretense of being a person of education, says Kep, for Kept, Gentleman, or Juntman, or Lady, Vaudeville, or Italian. How to cultivate an agreeable speech? First of all, remember that while affectation is odious, crudeness must be overcome. A low voice is always pleasing, not whispered or murmured, but low in pitch. Do not talk at the top of your head, nor at the top of your lungs. Do not slur whole sentences together. On the other hand, do not pronounce as though each syllable were a separate tongue and lip exercise. As a nation, we do not talk so much too fast, as too loud. Tens of thousands twang and slur and shout and burr. Many of us drawl, and many others of us race tongues and breath at full speed, but as already said, the speed of our speech does not matter so much. Pitch of voice matters very much, and so does pronunciation. Annunciation is not so essential, except to one who speaks in public. Annunciation means the articulation of whatever you have to say, distinctly and clearly. Annunciation is the proper sounding of consonants, vowels, and the accentuation of each syllable. There is no better way to cultivate a perfect pronunciation apart from association with cultivated people than by getting a small pronouncing dictionary of words in ordinary use, and reading it word by word, marking and studying any that you use frequently and mispronounce. When you know them, then read any book at random, slowly allow to yourself, very carefully pronouncing each word. The consciousness of this exercise may make you stilted in conversation at first, but by and by the sense or impulse to speak correctly will come. This is a method that has been followed by many men handicapped in youth through lack of education, who have become prominent in public life, and by many women who likewise handicapped by circumstances have not only made possible a creditable position for themselves, but have then given their children the inestimable advantage of learning their mother tongue correctly at their mother's knee. End of Chapter 8. CHAPTER IX. OF EDICATE. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Murdered by Laurie Ann Walden. Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home by Emily Post. CHAPTER IX. ONE'S POSITION IN THE COMMUNITY. THE CHOICE. First of all, it is necessary to decide what one's personal idea of position is, whether this word suggests merely a social one comprising a large or an exclusive acquaintance and leadership in social gaiety, or position established upon the foundation of communal consequence which may or may not include great social gaiety. In other words, you who are establishing yourself, either as a young husband or stranger, would you if you could have your wish granted by a genie, choose to have the populace look upon you as scant and in awe because of your wealth and elegance, or would you wish to be loved not as a power conferring favours which belong really to the first picture, but as a fellow being with an understanding heart. The granting of either wish is not a bit beyond the possibilities of anyone. It is merely a question of depositing securities of value in the bank of life. THE BANK OF LIFE. Life, whether social or business, is a bank in which you deposit certain funds of character, intellect and heart, or other funds of egotism, hard-heartedness and unconcern, or deposit nothing, and the bank honors your deposit and no more. In other words, you can draw nothing out but what you have put in. If your community is to give you admiration and honor, it is merely necessary to be admirable and honorable. The more you put in, the more will be paid out to you. It is too trite to put on paper. But it is astonishing, isn't it, how many people who are depositing nothing whatever expect to be paid in admiration and respect. A man of really high position is always a great citizen first and above all. Otherwise, he is a hollow puppet whether he is a millionaire or has scarcely a dime to bless himself with. In the same way, a woman's social position that is built on sham, vanity and selfishness is like one of the buildings at an exposition, effective at first sight, but bound when slightly weather-beaten to show stucco and glue. It would be very presumptuous to attempt to tell any man how to acquire the highest position in his community, especially as the answer is written in his heart, his intellect, his altruistic sympathy, and his ardent civic pride. A subject, however, that is not so serious or over-awing, and which can perhaps have directions written for it, is the lesser ambition of acquiring a social position. Taking or Acquiring a Social Position A broad whose family or family in law has social position has merely to take that which is hers by inheritance. But a stranger who comes to live in a new place, or one who has always lived in a community but unknown to society, have both to acquire a standing of their own. For example, the bride of good family. The bride of good family need do nothing on her own initiative. After her marriage when she settles down in her own house or apartment, everyone who was asked to her wedding breakfast or reception, and even many who were only bitten to the church, call on her. She keeps their cards, enters them in a visiting or ordinary alphabetically indexed blank book, and within two weeks she returns each one of their calls. As it is etiquette for everyone when calling for the first time on a bride to ask if she is in, the bride in returning her first calls should do likewise. As a matter of fact, a bride assumes the intimate visiting list of both her own and her husband's families, whether they call on her or not. By and by, if she gives a general tea or ball, she can invite whom among them she wants to. She should not, however, ask any mere acquaintances of her family to her house, until they have first invited her and her husband to theirs. But if she would like to invite intimate friends of her own or of her husband or of her family, there is no valid reason why she should not do so. Usually when a bride and groom return from their wedding trip, all their personal friends and those of their respective parents give parties for them. And from being seen at one house, they are invited to another. If they go nowhere, they do not lose position, but they are apt to be overlooked until people remember them by seeing them. But it is not at all necessary for young people to entertain in order to be asked out a great deal. They need merely be attractive and have engaging manners to be as popular as heart could wish. But they must make it a point to be considerate of everyone, and never fail to take the trouble to go up with a smiling, how do you do, to every older lady who has been courteous enough to invite them to her house. That is not toadying, it is being merely polite. To go up in gush is a very different matter. And to go up in gush over a prominent hostess who has never invited them to her house is toadying and of a very cheap variety. A really well-bred person is as charming as possible to all, but effusive to none, and shows no difference in manner, either to the high or to the lowly, when they are of equally formal acquaintance. The Bride Who is a Stranger The bride who is a stranger, but whose husband is well known in the town to which he brings her, is in much the same position as the bride noted above, in that her husband's friends call on her. She returns their visits, and many of them invite her to their house. But it then devolves upon her to make herself liked, otherwise she will find herself in a community of many acquaintances, but no friends. The best ingredients for likableness are a happy expression of countenance, an unaffected manner, and a sympathetic attitude. If she is so fortunate as to possess these attributes, her path will have roses enough. But a young woman with an affected pose, and bad or conceited manners, will find plenty of thorns. Equally unsuccessful is she with a chip on her shoulder, who, coming from New York, for instance, to live in bright meadows, insists upon dragging New York skyscrapers into every comparison with bright meadows' new six-storied building. She might better pack her trunks and go back where she came from. Nor should the bride from bright meadows, who has married a New Yorker, flaunt bright meadows' standards or customs and tell Mrs. Worldly that she does not approve of a lady's smoking. Maybe she doesn't, and she may be quite right. And she should not, under the circumstances, smoke herself. But she should not make a display of intolerance. Or she, too, had better take the first train back home, since she is likely to find New York very, very lonely. How Total Strangers Acquire Social Standing When new people move into a community bringing letters of introduction to prominent citizens, they arrive with an already made position which ranks in direct proportion to the standing of those who wrote the introductions. Since, however, no one but persons of position are eligible to letters of importance, there would be no question of acquiring position which they have but merely of adding to their acquaintance. As said in another chapter, people of position are people of position the world over, and all the cities strung around the whole globe are like so many chapter houses of a brotherhood to which letters of introduction open the doors. However, this is off the subject, which is to advise those who have no position, or letters, how to acquire the former. It is a long and slow road to travel, particularly long and slow for a man and his wife in a big city. In New York, people could live in the same house for generations and do and not have their next door neighbor know them even by sight. But no other city except London is as unaware as that. When people move to a new city or town, it is usually because of business. The husband at least makes business acquaintances, but the wife is left alone. The only thing for her to do is to join the church of her denomination and become interested in some activity, not only as an opening wedge to acquaintanceships and possibly intimate friendships, but as an occupation and a respite from loneliness. Her social position is gained usually at a snail's pace, nor should she do anything to hurry it. If she is a real person, if she has qualities of mind and heart, if she has charming manners, sooner or later a certain position will come and in proportion to her eligibility. One of the ladies with whom she works in church, having gradually learned to like her, asks her to her house. Nothing may ever come of this, but another one also inviting her may bring an introduction to a third who takes a fancy to her. This third lady also invites her where she meets an acquaintance she has already made on one of the two former occasions and this acquaintance in turn invites her. By the time she has met the same people several times, they gradually, one by one, offer to go and see her or ask her to come and see them. One inviolable rule she must not forget. It is fatal to be pushing or presuming. She must remain dignified always, natural and sympathetic when anyone approaches her, but she should not herself approach anyone more than half way. A smile the more friendly the better is never out of place, but after smiling she should pass on. Never grin weakly and cling. If she has asked to go see a lady, it is quite right to go. But not again until the lady has returned the visit or asked her to her house. And if admitted when making a first visit, she should remember not to stay more than twenty minutes at most, since it is always wiser to make others sorry to have her leave, than run the risk of having the hostess wonder why her visitor doesn't know enough to go. The entrance of an outsider. The outsider enters society by the same path, but it is steeper and longer because there is an outer gate of reputation called they are not people of any position, which is difficult to unlatch. Nor is it ever unlatched to those who sit at the gate rattling at the bars or plaintively peering in. The better and the only way if she has not the key of birth is through study to make herself eligible. Meanwhile, charitable or civic work will give her interest in occupation as well as throw her with ladies of good breeding by association with whom she cannot fail to acquire some of those qualities of manner before which the gates of society always open. When position has been established. When her husband belongs to a club or perhaps she does too and the neighbors are friendly and those of social importance have called on her and asked her to their houses. A newcomer does not have to stand so exactly on the chalk line of ceremony as in returning her first visits and sending out her first invitations. After people have done with each other several times, it is not at all important to consider whether an invitation is owed or paid several times over. She who is hospitably inclined can ask people half a dozen times to their once if she wants to and they show their friendliness by coming nor need visits be paid in alternate order. Once she is really accepted by people she can be as friendly as she chooses. When Mrs. Oldname calls on Mrs. Stranger the first time the latter may do nothing but call in return. It would be the height of presumption to invite one of conspicuous prominence until she has first been invited by her. Or may the strangers ask the old names to dine after being merely invited to a tea. But when Mrs. Oldname asks Mrs. Stranger to lunch, the latter might then invite the former to dinner, after which, if they accept, the strangers can continue to invite them on occasion, whether they are invited in turn or not, especially if the strangers are continually entertaining and the old names are not. But on no account must the strangers' parties be arranged solely for the benefit of any particular fashionables. The strangers can also invite to a party any children whom their own children know at school, and Mrs. Stranger can quite properly go to fetch her own children from a party to which their schoolmates invited them. Money not essential to social position. Bachelors, unless they are very well off, are not expected to give parties, nor for that matter, are very young couples. All hostesses go on asking single men and young people to their houses without it ever occurring to them that any return other than politeness should be made. There are many couples, not necessarily in the youngest set, either, who are tremendously popular in society in spite of the fact that they give no parties at all. The love joys, for instance, who are clamored for everywhere, have every attribute except money. With fewer clothes perhaps than any fashionable young woman in New York, she can't compete with Mrs. Bobo Gilding, or constant style, for smartness. But, as Mrs. Worldly remarked, what would be the use of Celia Lovejoy's beauty if it depended upon continual variation in clothes? The only entertaining the love joys ever do is limited to afternoon tea and occasional Welsh rarebit suppers. But they return every bit of hospitality shown them by helping to make a party go wherever they are. Both are amusing, both are interesting, both do everything well. They can't afford to play cards for money, but they both play a very good game and the table is delighted to carry them, or they play at the same table against each other. This, by the way, is another illustration of the conduct of a gentleman. If young Lovejoy played for money, he would win undoubtedly in the long run because he plays unusually well. But to use card playing as a means of making money would be contrary to the ethics of a gentleman. Just as playing for more than can be afforded turns a game into gambling. An elusive point essential to social success. The sense of whom to invite with whom is one of the most important and elusive points in social knowledge. The possession, or lack of it, is responsible more than anything else for the social success of one woman and the failure of another. And as it is almost impossible without advice for any stranger anywhere to know which people like or dislike each other, the would-be hostess must either by means of natural talent or more likely by trained attention read the signs of liking or prejudice. Much as a woodsman reads a message in every broken twig or turned leaf. One who can read expression perceives at a glance the difference between friendliness and polite aloofness. When a lady is unusually silent, strictly impersonal in conversation and entirely unapproachable, something is not to her liking. The question is what or usually whom? The greatest blunder possible would be to ask her what the matter is. The cause of annoyance is probably that she finds someone distasteful, and it should not be hard for one whose faculties are not asleep to discover the offender and, if possible, separate them, or at least never ask them together again. End of chapter nine. Cards and visits. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by T. Davis. Etiquette and Society in Business in Politics and at Home by Emily Post. Chapter 10. Cards and Visits. Usefulness of cards. Who was it that said in the Victorian era, probably? And a man, of course. The only mechanical tool ever needed by a woman is a hairpin. He might have added that with a hairpin and a visiting card, she is ready to meet most emergencies. Although the principal use of a visiting card, at least the one for which it was originally invented to be left as an evidence of one person's presence at the house of another, is going gradually out of art and favor in fashionable circles. Its usefulness seems to keep a nicely adjusted balance. In New York, for instance, the visiting card has entirely taken the place of the written note of invitation to informal parties of every description. Messages of condolence or congratulation are written on it. It is used as an endorsement in the giving of an order. It is even tacked onto the outside of express boxes. The only employment of it which is not as flourishing as formerly is it's being left in quantities and with frequency at the doors of acquaintances. This will be explained further on. A card's size and engraving. The card of a lady is usually from about two and three-quarter to three and one-half inches wide by two to two and three-quarters inches high, but there is no fixed rule. The card of a young girl is smaller and more nearly square in shape, about two inches high by two and a half or two and five-eighth inches long depending on the length of the name. Young girls use smaller cards than older ladies. A gentleman's card is long and narrow from two and seven-eighths to three and a quarter inches long and from one and a quarter to one and five-eighths inches high. All visiting cards are engraved on a white unglazed Bristol board, which may be of medium thickness or thin as one fancies. A few years ago there was a fad for cards as thin as writing paper, but one seldom sees them in America now. The advantage of a thin card is that a greater quantity may be carried easily. The engraving most in use today is shaded block. Script is seldom seen, but is always good form and so is plain block, but with the exception of old English, all ornate lettering should be avoided. All people who live in cities should have the address in the lower right corner engraved in smaller letters than the name. In the country, addresses are not important as everyone knows where everyone else lives. People who have town and country houses usually have separate cards, though not necessarily a separate plate. Economical engraving. The economically inclined can have several variety of cards printed from one plate. The cards would vary somewhat in size in order to center the wording. Example, the plate, Mr. and Mrs. Gilding, Miss Gilding, 00 Fifth Avenue Golden Hall, may be printed. Miss Gilding's name should never appear on a card with both her mothers and fathers, so her name being out of line under the Mr. and Mrs. engraving makes no difference. Here, several examples of the cards appear. The personal card is in a measure and index of one's character, a fantastic or garish note in the type effect in the quality or shape of the card betrays a lack of taste in the owner of the card. It is not customary for a married man to have a club address on his card, and it would be serviceable only in giving a card of introduction to a business acquaintance under social rather than business circumstances or in paying a formal call upon a political or business associate. Unmarried men often use no other address than that of a club, especially if they live in bachelor's quarters. But young men who live at home use their home address. Correct names and titles. To be impeccably correct, initials should not be engraved on a visiting card. A gentleman's card should read, Mr. John Hunter Titherington Smith. But since names were sometimes awkwardly long and it is the American custom to cling to each and every one given in baptism, he asserts his possessions by representing each one with an initial and engraves his card, Mr. John H. T. Smith or Mr. J. H. Titherington Smith, as suits his fancy. So, although according to high authorities, he should drop a name or two and be Mr. Hunter Smith or Mr. Titherington Smith. It is very likely to that the end of time, the American man and necessarily his wife who must use the name as he does will go on cherishing initials. And a widow no less than a married woman should always continue to use her husband's Christian name or his name and another initial engraved on her cards. She is Mrs. John Hunter Titherington Smith or to compromise, Mrs. J. H. Titherington Smith. But she is never Mrs. Sarah Smith, at least not anywhere in good society. In business and in legal matters, a woman is necessarily addressed by her own Christian name because she uses it in her signature but no one should ever address an envelope except from a bank or a lawyer's office to Mrs. Sarah Smith. When a widow's son who has the name of his father, Marys, the widow has senior added to her own name or if she is the head of the family, she very often emits all Christian names and has her card engraved Mrs. Smith. And the son's wife calls herself Mrs. John Hunter Smith. Smith is not a very good name as an example since no one could very well claim the distinction of being the Mrs. Smith. It however illustrates the point. For the daughter-in-law to continue to use a card with junior on it, when her husband no longer uses junior on his, is a mistake made by many people. A wife always bears the name of her husband. To have a man and his mother use cards engraved respectively as Mr. J. H. Smith and Mrs. J. H. Smith and the son's wife, a card engraved Mrs. J. H. Smith junior, would announce to whomever the three cards were left upon that Mr. and Mrs. Smith and their daughter-in-law had called. The cards of a young woman after she is 16 have always Miss before her name, which must be her real and never a nickname. Miss Sarah Smith, not Miss Sally Smith, the fact that a man's name has junior added at the end, in no way takes the place of Mr. His card should be engraved Mr. John Hunter Smith junior and his wife's Mrs. John Hunter Smith junior. Some people have the junior written out. It is not spelled with a capital J if written in full. A boy puts Mr. on his cards when he leaves school. So many use cards without Mr. on them while in college. A doctor or a judge or a minister or a military officer have their cards engraved with the abbreviation of their title, Dr. Henry Gordon, Judge Horace Rush, the Rev William Good, Colonel, COL period, Thomas Doyle. The double card reads Doctor and Mrs. Henry Gordon, Honorable, H.O.N. period, and Mrs., et cetera. A woman who has divorced her husband retains the legal as well as a social right to use her husband's full name. In New York State at least, usually she prefers if her name was Alice Green to call herself Mrs. Green Smith, not Mrs. Alice Smith, and on no account Mrs. Alice Green, unless she wishes to give the impression that she was a guilty one in the divorce. Children's cards. That very little children should have visiting cards is not so silly as might at first thought be supposed to acquire perfect manners and those graces of deportment that Lord Chesterfield so ardently tried to instill into his son, training cannot begin early enough, since it is through lifelong familiarity with the niceties of etiquette that much of the distinction of those to the manner born is acquired. Many mothers think it could training for children to have their own cards, which they are taught not so much to leave upon each other after parties as to send with gifts upon various occasions. At the rehearsal of a wedding, the tiny twin flower girls came carrying their wedding present for the bride between them, to which they had themselves attached their own small visiting cards. One card was bordered and engraved in pink, the other bordered and engraved in blue, and the address upon each read, Shea Mama. And in going to see a new baby cousin, each brought a small 1830 bouquet and sent to their aunt their cards, on which, after seeing the baby one had printed, he is very little, and the other, it has a red face. This shows that if modern society believes in beginning social training in the nursery, it does not believe in hampering a child's natural expression. Special cards and when to use them. The double card, reading Mr. and Mrs., is sent with a wedding present, or with flowers to a funeral, or with flowers to a debutante, and is also used in paying formal visits. The card on which a debutante's name is engraved, under that of her mother, is used most frequently when no coming out entertainment has been given for the daughter. Her name on the mother's card announces wherever it is left, that the daughter is grown and eligible for invitations. In the same way, a mother may leave her son's card with her own upon any of her own friends, especially upon those likely to entertain for young people. This is the custom if a young man has been away at school and college for so long that he has not a large acquaintance of his own. It is, however, correct under any circumstances when formally leaving cards to leave those of all sons and daughters who are grown. The PPC card. This is merely a visiting card, whether of a lady or a gentleman on which the initials PPC, pour prendre ranger, to take leave, are written in ink in the lower left corner. This is usually left at the door, or sent by mail to acquaintances when one is leaving for the season or for good. It never takes place of a farewell visit when one has received a special courtesy, nor is it in any sense a message of thanks for a special kindness. In either of these instances, a visit should be paid or a note of farewell and thanks written. Cards of new or temporary address. In cities where there is no social register or other printed society list, one notifies acquaintances of a change of address by mailing a visiting card. Cards are also sent with a temporary address written in ink when one is in a strange city and wishes to notify friends where one is stopping. It is also quite correct for a lady to mail her card with her temporary address written on it to any gentleman whom she would care to see and who she is sure would like to see her. When cards are sent? When not intending to go to a tea or a wedding reception, the invitation to which did not have RSVP on it and require an answer, one should mail cards to the hostess so as to arrive on the morning of the entertainment. To a tea given for a debutante, cards are enclosed in one envelope and address Mrs. Gilding, Miss Gilding. 00 Fifth Avenue, New York. For a wedding reception, cards are sent to Mr. and Mrs. Blank, the mother and father of the bride, and another set of cards sent to Mr. and Mrs. Blank, the bride and bridegroom. The visit of empty form. Not so many years ago, a lady or gentleman, young girl or youth who failed to pay her or his party call, after having been invited to Mrs. Social Leaders Ball, was left out of her list when she gave her next one. For the old-fashioned hostess kept her visiting list with the position of a bookkeeper in a bank. Everyone's credit was entered or canceled according to the presence of her or his cards in the card receiver. Young people who liked to be asked to her house had to leave an extra one at the door, on occasion, so that there should not be among the missing when the new list for the season was made up, especially as the more important old ladies were very quick to strike a name off, but seldom, if ever, known to put one back. But about twenty years ago, the era of informality set in and has been gaining ground ever since. In certain cities, old-fashioned hostesses, it is said, exclude delinquents, but New York is too exotic and intractable, and the two exacting hostess is likely to find her tapestry room rather empty while the younger world fashion flocked to the crystal fountain ballroom of the new Spend easy westerns, and then, too, life holds so many other diversions and interests for the very type of youth and ethnicity is the vital essence of all social gaiety. Society can have distinction and dignity without youth, but not gaiety. The country with its outdoor sports, its freedom from exacting conventions has gradually deflected the interest of the younger fashionables. Until at present, they care very little whether Mrs. Toplofty and Mrs. Social Leader ask them to their balls or not. They are glad enough to go, of course, but they don't care enough for invitations to pay dull visits and to live up to the conventions of manners that old-fashioned hostesses demand, and as these rebels are invariably the most attractive and the most eligible use, it has become almost an issue. A hostess must, in many cases, either invite none but older people and the few young girls and men whose mothers have left cards for them or ignore convention and invite the rebel. In trying to find out where the present indifference started, many ascribe it to Bobo Gilding, to whom entering a great drawing room was more suggestive of the daily afternoon tea or deal of his early nursery days than a voluntary act of pleasure. He was long ago one of the first to rebel against Mrs. Toplofty's exactions of party calls by saying he did not care in the least whether his great Aunt Jane Toplofty invited him to her stodgy old ball or not. And then, Lucy Wellborn, the present Mrs. Bobo Gilding, did not much care to go, either, if none of her particular men-friends were to be there. Little she cared to dance the cattillion with old Colonel Bluffington or to go to supper with that odious Hector Newman. And so, beginning first with a few gilded youths then including young society, the habit has spread until the obligatory pain of visits by young girls and men has almost joined the once universal day at home as belonging to a past age. Do not understand by this that visits are never paid on other occasions. Visits to strangers, visits of condolence, and of other courtesies are still paid, quite as punctualously as ever. But within the walls of society itself, the visit of formality is decreasing. One might almost say that in certain cities, society has become a family affair. Its walls are as high as ever, higher perhaps to outsiders, but among its own members, such customs as keeping visiting lists and having days at home or even knowing who owes a visit to whom is not only unobserved but is unheard of. But because punctilious card-leaving visiting in days at home have gone out of fashion in New York, is no reason why these really important observances should not be or are not in the height of fashion elsewhere. Nor, on the other hand, must anyone suppose, because the younger fashionables in New York pay few visits and never have days at home, that they are a bit less careful about the things which they happen to consider essential to good breeding. The best type of young men pay few, if any, party calls, because they work and they exercise. And whatever time is left over, if any, is spent in their club or at the house of a young woman, not tete-tete, but invariably playing bridge. The Sunday afternoon visits that the youth of another generation used always to pay are unknown in this because every man who can spends a weekend in the country. It is scarcely an exaggeration to say that not alone men but many young married women of the highest social position, except to send with flowers or wedding presents, do not use a dozen visiting cards a year. But there are circumstances when even the most indifferent to social obligation must leave cards. When cards must be left, etiquette absolutely demands that one leave a card within a few days after taking a first meal in a lady's house, or if one has for the first time been invited to lunch or dine with strangers. It is inexcusably rude not to leave a card upon them, whether one accepted the invitation or not. One must also unfailingly return a first call. Even if one does not care for the acquaintance, only a real cause can excuse the affront to an innocent stranger that the refusal to return a first call would imply. If one does not care to continue the acquaintance, one may not pay a second visit. Also, a card is always left with a first invitation. Suppose Miss Philadelphia takes a letter of introduction to Mrs. Newport. Mrs. Newport, inviting Miss Philadelphia to her house, would not think of sending her an invitation without also leaving her card. Good form demands that a visit be paid before issuing a first invitation. Sometimes a note of explanation is sent, asking that the formality be waived, but it is never disregarded, except in the case of an invitation from an older lady to a young girl. Mrs. Worley, for instance, who has known Jim Smollington always, might instead of calling on Mary Smith to whom his engagement is announced, write her a note, asking her to lunch or dinner. But in inviting Mrs. Great Lake of Chicago, she would leave her card with her invitation at Mrs. Great Lake's hotel. It seems scarcely necessary to add that anyone not entirely heartless must leave a card on or send flowers to an acquaintance who has suffered a recent bereavement. One should also leave cards of inquiry or send flowers to sick people. Invitation in place of returned visit. Books on etiquette seem to agree that sending an invitation does not cancel the obligation of paying a visit, which may be technically correct, but fashionable people who are in the habit of lunching or dining with each other two or three times a season pay no attention to visits whatsoever. Mrs. Norman calls on Mrs. Gilding. Mrs. Gilding invites the Normans to dinner. They go. A short time afterwards, Mrs. Norman invites the Gildings, or the Gildings very likely again invite the Normans. Some evening, at all events, the Gildings dine with the Norman. Someday, if Mrs. Gilding happens to be leaving cards, she may leave them at the Normans or she may not. Some people leave cards almost like hairs in a paper chase. Others seldom if ever do, except on the occasions mentioned in the paragraph before this, or unless there is an illness, a death, a birth, or a marriage, people in society invite each other to their houses and don't leave cards at all, nor do they ever consider whose turn it is to invite home. Not at home. When a servant at a door says, Not at home, this phrase means that the lady of the house is not at home to visitors. This answer neither signifies nor implies nor is it intended to, that Mrs. Jones is out of the house. Some people say, not receiving, which means actually the same thing, but the Not at Home is infinitely more polite. Since in the former, you know she is in the house but won't see you. Whereas in the latter, you have the unpleasant uncertainty that it is quite possible she is out. To be told, Mrs. Jones isn't home but doesn't want to see you, would certainly be unpleasant. And to beg to be excused, except in the case of illness or bereavement, has something very suggestive of a cold shoulder. But, not at home, means that she is not sitting in the drawing room behind her tea tray, that and nothing else. She may be out, or she may be lying down or otherwise occupied. Nor do people of the world find this slight a subjection. If a host is happening to recognize the visitor, as a particular friend calls out, do come in, I am at home to you. Anyone who talks about this phrase as being a white lie, either doesn't understand the meaning of the words, or is going very far afield to look for untruth. To be consistent, these over-literals should also exact that when a guest inadvertently knocks over a cup of tea and stains the sofa, the hostess instead is saying, it is nothing at all, please don't worry about it. Aught, for the sake of truth say, see what your clumsiness has done, you have ruined my sofa. And when someone says, how are you, instead of answering, very well thank you, the same truthful one should perhaps take an hour by the clock and mention every symptom of indisposition that she can accurately subscribe to. While not at home is merely a phrase of politeness to say, I am out after a card has been brought to you, is both an untruth and an inexcusable rudeness. Or to have an inquiry answered, I don't know but I'll see, and then to have the servant after taking a card come back with a message, Mrs. Jones is out, cannot fail to make the visitor feel rebuffed. Once the card has been admitted, the visitor must be admitted also, no matter how inconvenient receiving her may be. You may send a message that you are addressing but will be very glad to see her if she can wait ten minutes. The visitor can either wait or say she is pressed for time. But if she does not wait, then she is rather discourteous. Therefore, it is the utmost importance always to leave directions at the door such as Mrs. Jones is not at home, Mrs. Jones will be home at five o'clock, Mrs. Jones will be home at five thirty, or Mrs. Jones is at home in the library to intimate friends, but not at home in the drawing room to acquaintances. It is a nuisance to be obliged to remember either to turn in and out card in the hall or to ring a bell and say I'm going out and again I have come in. Whatever planner or arrangement you choose, no one at your front door should be left in doubt and then repulsed. It is not only bad manners, it is bad housekeeping. The Old Fashioned Day at Home It is doubtful if the present generation of New Yorkers knows what a day at home is. But their mothers at least remember the time when the fashionable districts were divided into regular sections, wherein on a given day of the week the whole neighborhood was at home. Friday sounds familiar as a day for Washington Square. And was it Monday for Lower Fifth Avenue? At all events, each neighborhood on the day of its own suggested a local fete. Ladies in visiting dresses with trains and bonnets and nose veils and tight gloves, folding card cases, tripped them really into this house, out of that, and again into another. And there were always many Brahms and Victorious slowly exercising up and down and very smart footmen standing with maroon or tan or fur rugs over their arms in front of Mrs. Wellborn's house or Mrs. Old Names or the big house of Miss Toplofty at the corner of Fifth Avenue. It must have been enchanting to be a grown person in those days. Enchanting also were the Seaspring Victorious, as was life in general that was taken at a slow carriage pace and not at the motor speed of today. The day at home is still fashionable in Washington and is ardently to be hoped that as it also flourishes in many cities and towns throughout the country or that it will be revived for it is a delightful custom, though more in keeping with Europe than America, which does not care for gentle paces once it is tasted swift. A certain young New York hostess announced she was going to stay home on Saturday afternoons, the men went to the country and the women to the opera, and she gave it up. There are a few old-fashioned ladies living in old-fashioned houses and still staying at home in the old-fashioned way to old-fashioned friends who, for decades, have dropped in for a cup of tea in a chat. And there are two maiden ladies in particular, joint shatlands of an imposing beautiful old house where, on a certain afternoon of the week, if you come in for tea you are sure to meet, not alone, those prominent in the world of fashion, but a fair admixture of artists, scientists, authors, inventors, distinguished strangers in a word, best society in its truest sense. But days at home such as these are not easily duplicated, for few houses possess a salon atmosphere and few hostesses achieve either the social talent or the wide cultivation necessary to attract an interest so varied and brilliant a company. Modern card-leaving a questionable act of politeness. The modern New York fashion in card-leaving is to dash as fast as possible from house to house, saying there's a chauffeur up the step with cards without ever asking if anyone is home. Some butlers announce not at home, from force of habit, even when no question is asked. There are occasions when the visitor must ask to see the hostess, but cards are left without asking whether a lady is at home under the following circumstances. Cards are left on the mother of the bride after a wedding, also on the mother of the groom. Cards are also left after any formal invitation. Having been asked to lunch or dine with a lady with whom you know but slightly, you should leave your card whether you accepted the invitation or not, within three days if possible, or at least within a week of the date for which you were invited. It is not considered necessary, in New York at least, to ask if she is at home. Promptness in leaving your card is, in this instance, better manners than delaying your party call and asking if she is at home. This matter of asking at the door is one that depends upon the customs of each state and city, but, as it is always wiser to err on the side of politeness, it is the better policy, if in doubt, to ask, is Mrs. Blink at home, rather than to run the risk of offending a lady who may like to see visitors. A card is usually left with a first invitation to a stranger who has brought a letter of introduction, but it is more polite, even though not necessary, to ask to be received. Some ladies make it a habit to leave a card on everyone on their visiting list once a season. It is correct for the mother of a debutante to leave her card, as well as her daughters, on every lady who has invited the daughter to her house, and a courteous hostess returns all these pay-sport visits, but neither visit necessitates closer or even further acquaintance. Visits which everyone must pay. Paying visits differs from leaving cards, in that you must ask to be received. A visit of condolence should be paid at once to a friend when a death occurs in her immediate family. A lady does not call on a gentleman, but writes him a note of sympathy. In going to inquire for sick people, you should ask to be received, and it is always thoughtful to take them gifts of books or fruit or flowers. If a relative announces his engagement, you must at once go to see his fiancée. Should she be out, you do not ask to see her mother. You do, however, leave a card upon both ladies, and you ask to see her mother if received by the daughter. A visit of congratulation is also paid to a new mother and a gift invariably presented to the baby. Messages written upon cards With sympathy or with deepest sympathy is written on your visiting card with flowers sent to a funeral. The same message is written on a card and left at the door of a house of mourning if you do not know the family well enough to ask to be received. To inquire is often written upon a card left at the house of a sick person, but not if you are received. And going to see a friend who is visiting the lady whom you do not know whether you should leave a card on the hostess as well as on your friend depends upon the circumstances. If the hostess is one who is socially prominent and you are unknown, it would be better taste not to leave a card on her but afterward found without explanation might be interpreted as an uncalled for visit made in an attempt for a place on her list. If on the other hand she is the unknown person and you are the prominent one your card is polite but unwise unless you mean to include her name on your list. But if she is one with whom you have many interest in common then you may very properly leave a card for her. And leaving a card on a lady stopping at a hotel or living in an apartment house you should write her name in pencil across the top of your card to ensure it is being given to her and not to someone else. At the house of a lady whom you know well and whom you are sorry not to find at home it is friendly to write sorry not to see you or so sorry to miss you Turning down a corner of a visiting card is by many intended to convey that the visit is meant for all the ladies in the family other people merely mean to show that the card was left at the door in person and not sent in an envelope. Other people turned them down from force of habit I mean nothing whatever but whichever the reason more cards are bent or dog-eared than are left flat. Engraved cards announcing engagement bad form Someone somewhere asked whether or not to answer an engraved card announcing an engagement. The answer can have nothing to do with etiquette since an engraved announcement is unknown to good society. For the proper announcement of an engagement see Chapter 20 when people see their friends 5 o'clock is the informal hour when people are at home to friends the correct hour for leaving cards and paying formal visits is between 3.30 and 4.30 when should hesitate to pay a visit at the tea hour unless one is sure of one's welcome among the intimates likely to be found around the hostess's tea table Many ladies make it their practice to be home if possible at 5 o'clock and their friends who know them well come in at that time for the afternoon tea table and its customs formal visiting often arranged by telephone For instance instead of ringing her doorbell Mrs. Norman calls Mrs. Kindhart on the telephone I haven't seen you for weeks won't you come into tea or to lunch just you Mrs. Kindhart answers Yes I'd love to I can come this afternoon and 5 o'clock finds them together over the tea table In the same way young Struthers calls up Milsett Gilding Are you going to be in this afternoon? She says Yes but not until a quarter of 6 He says Fine I'll come then or she says I'm so sorry I'm playing rich with Pauline but I'll be in tomorrow He says alright I'll come tomorrow The younger people rarely ever go to see each other without first telephoning or since even young people seldom meet except for Bridge most likely it is Milsett Gilding who telephones to Struthers Youth to ask if he can't possibly get up town before 5 o'clock to make a fourth with Mary, Jim, and herself How a first visit is made In very large cities neighbors seldom call on each other But if strangers move into a neighborhood in a small town or in the country or in a watering place it is not only unfriendly but uncivil for their neighbors not to call on them The older residents always call on the newer and the person of greatest social prominence should make the first visit or at least invite the younger or less prominent one to call on her which the younger should promptly do or two ladies of equal age reposition may either once say I wish you would come to see me to which the other replies I will with pleasure More usually the first one offers I should like to come see you if I may and the other of course answers I shall be delighted if you will The first one having suggested going to see the second is bound in politeness to do so Otherwise she implies that the acquaintance on second thought seems distasteful to her Everyone invited to a wedding should call upon the bride to return from the honeymoon and when a man marries a girl from a distant place courtesy absolutely demands that his friends and neighbors call on her as soon as she arrives in her new home on opening the door to a visitor on the hall table in every house there should be a small silver or other card tray a pad and a pencil the nicest kind of pad is one when folded makes its own envelope so that a message when written need not be left open there are all varieties and sizes at all stationers when the doorbell rings the servant on duty who can easily see the chauffeur or lady approaching should have the card tray ready to present on the palm of the left hand a servant at the door must never take the cards in his or her finger correct number of cards to leave when the visitor herself rings the doorbell and the message is not at home the butler are made proffers the card tray on which the visitor lays a card of her own and her daughters for each lady in the house and a card of her husbands and son for each lady and gentlemen but three is the greatest number ever left of any one card in calling on mrs. town who has three grown daughters and her mother living in the house and a mrs. stranger staying with her when the visitor was invited to a luncheon to meet a card on each would need a packet of six instead the visitor should leave three one for mrs. town one for all the other ladies of the house and one for mrs. stranger and asking to be received her query at the door should be are any of the ladies at home or in merely leaving her card she should say for all of the ladies the butler are made must stand with the front door open until a visitor re-enters her motor or if she's walking until she has reached the sidewalk it is bad manners ever to close the door in the visitor's space when a chauffeur leaves cards the door may be closed as soon as he turns away when the lady of the house is at home when the door is open by a waitress or parlor made and the mistress of the house is in the drawing room the maid says this way please and leads the way she goes as quickly as possible to present the card tray the guest, especially if a stranger lags in order to give the host his time to read the name of the card the maid meanwhile moves aside to make room for the approaching visitor who goes forward to shake hands with the hostess if a butler is at the door he reads the card himself picking it up from the tray and opening the door of the drawing room announces Mrs. So-and-so after which he puts the card on the hall table the duration of a formal visit should be in the neighborhood of 20 minutes but if other visitors are announced the first one on a very formal occasion may cut her visit shorter or if conversation becomes especially interesting the visit may be prolonged 5 minutes or so on no account must a visitor stay an hour a hostess always rises when a visitor enters unless the visitor is a very young woman or man and she herself elderly or unless she is seated behind the tea table so that rising is difficult she should however always rise and go forward to meet a lady much older than herself but she never rises from her tea table to greet a man unless he is quite old the lady of the house is at home but upstairs the servant at the door leads the visitor into the reception room saying will you take a seat please and then carries the card to the mistress of the house on an exceptional occasion such as paying a visit of condolence or inquiring for a convalescent when the question as to whether he will be received is necessarily doubtful a gentleman does not take off his coat of gloves but waits in the reception room with his hat in his hand when the servant returning says either will you come this way please or Mrs. Town is not well enough to see anyone but Miss Alice will be down in a moment the visitor divests himself of his coat of gloves which the servant carries as well as his hat out to the front hall as said before few men pay visits without first telephoning but perhaps two or three times during a winter a young man when he is able to get away from his office in time will make a tea time visit upon a hostess who has often invited him to dinner or to her opera box under ordinary circumstances however some woman member of his family leaves his card for him after a dinner or a dance or else it is not looked at all a gentleman paying visits always asks if the hostess is at home if she is he leaves his hat and stick in the hall and also removes and leaves his gloves and rubber should he be wearing them if the hour is between five and half past the hostess is inevitably at her tea table in the library to which if he is at all well known to the servant at the door he is at once shown without being first asked to wait in the reception room a gentleman entering a room in which there are several people who are strangers shakes hands with his hostess and slightly bows to all the others whether he knows him personally or not he of course shakes hands with any who are friends and with all men to whom he is introduced but with a lady only if she offers him her hand how to enter a drawing room to know how to enter a drawing room is supposed to be one of the supreme tests of good reading but there should be no more difficulty in entering the drawing room of Mrs. Worldly than in entering the sitting room at home perhaps the best instruction would be like that in learning to swim take plenty of time don't struggle and don't splash about good manners socially are not unlike swimming not the crawl or overhand but smooth tranquil swimming quite probably where the expression in the swim came from anyway before actually entering the room it is easiest to pause long enough to see where the hostess is never start forward and then try to find her as an afterthought the place to pause is on the threshold not halfway in the room the way not to enter a drawing room is to dart forward and then stand awkwardly bewildered and looking about in every direction a man of the world stops at the entrance of the room for scarcely a perceptible moment until he perceives the most unencumbered approach to the hostess and he thereupon walks over to her when he greets his hostess he pauses slightly the hostess smiles and offers her hand the gentleman smiles and shakes hands at the same time bowing the lady shakes hands with the hostess and with everyone she knows who is nearby she bows to acquaintances at a distance and to strangers to whom she is introduced how to sit gracefully having shaken hands with the hostess the visitor whether a lady or gentleman looks about quietly without hurry for a convenient chair to sit down upon or drop into to sit gracefully one should not purchase stiffly on the edge of a straight chair nor sprawl at length in the easy one the perfect position is one that is easy but dignified in other days no lady of dignity ever crossed her knees held her hands on her hips or twisted her self sideways or even leaned back in her chair today all these things are done and the only etiquette left is on the subject of how not to exaggerate them no lady should cross her knees so that her skirts go up to or above them neither should her foot be thrust out so that her toes are at knee level an arm of Kimbo is not a graceful attitude nor is a twisted spine everyone of course leans against the chair back except in a box at the opera and in a ballroom but a lady should never throw herself almost at full length in a reclining chair or on a wide sofa when she is out in public neither does a gentleman in paying a formal visit sit on the middle of his backbone with one ankle reported on the other knee and both as high as his head the proper way for a lady to sit is in the center of her chair or slightly sideways in the corner of a sofa she may lean back of course and easily her hands relax in her lap her knees together or if crossed her foot must not be thrust forward so as to leave a space between the heel and her other ankle she can lean back in an easy chair with her hands on the arms in a ball dress a lady of distinction never leans back in a chair one cannot picture a beautiful and hybrid woman wearing a tiara and other ballroom jewels leaning against anything this is however not so much a rule of etiquette as a question of beauty and fitness a gentleman also on very formal occasions should sit in the center of his chair but unless it is a deep challenging one he always leans against the back and puts a hand or elbow on its arms postscripts on visits a lady never calls on another under the sponsorship of a gentleman unless he is her husband or father a young girl can very properly go with her fiance to return visits paid to her by members or friends of his family but she should not pay an initial visit unless to an invalid who has written her a note asking her to do so when arriving at a lady's house you find her motor at the door you should leave your card as though she were not at home if she happens to be in the hall or coming down the steps you say I see you are going out and I won't keep you if she insist on your coming in you should only stay a moment do not however fidget and talk about leaving sit down so you're leaving immediately we're not on your mind but after two or three minutes say goodbye and go a young man may go to see a young girl as often if he feels inclined and she cares to receive him if she continually asked to be excused or shows him scant attention when he is talking to her or in any other way indicates that he annoys or bores her his visit should cease it is very bad manners to invite one person to your house and leave out another with whom you were also talking you should wait for an opportunity when the latter is not included in your conversation in good society ladies do not kiss each other when they meet at parties or in public it is well to remember that nothing more blatantly stamps an ill-bred person in the habit of patting, nudging or taking hold of people keep your hands to yourself be put at the head of the first chapter of every book of etiquette be very cherry of making any such remark as I am afraid I have stayed too long or I must apologize for hurrying off or I am afraid I have bored you to death talking so much all such expressions are self-conscious and stupid if you really think you are staying too long or leaving too soon or talking too much, don't an invalid's visit by proxy it is not necessary that an invalid make any attempt to return the visit to her friends who are attempted enough to go off and to see her but if a stranger calls on her particularly a stranger who may not know she is always confined to the house it is correct for a daughter or sister or even a friend to leave the invalid's card for her and even to pay a visit should she find a hostess at home in this event the visitor by proxy lays her own card as well as that of the invalid on the tray proffered to her upon being announced to the hostess she naturally explains that she is appearing in place of her mother or whatever relation the invalid is to her and that the invalid herself is unable to make any visits a lady never pays a party call on a gentleman but if the gentleman who has given a dinner has his mother or sister staying with him and the mother or sister chaperone the party cards should be of course left upon her having risen to go go don't stand and keep your hostess standing while you say goodbye and make a last remark last half an hour few Americans are so punctilious as to pay their dinner calls within 24 hours but it is the height of correctness and good manners when a gentleman whose wife is away except someone's hospitality it is correct for his wife to pay the party call with or for him since it is taken for granted that she would have been included had she been at home in other days a hostess thought it necessary to change quickly into a best dress if important company rang her doorbell a lady of fashion today receives her visitor at once in whatever dress she happens to be wearing since not to keep them waiting is a greater courtesy end of chapter 10 cards and visits