 Hallo everyone, ik heb nu aan m'n ouding company gebouw, waarin ek het ges van al over het wereld, van een oudig interview, meting griep en vragen van het ouding. M'n eerst ges zal die bockser, Joe Kozagge, ongeleid is nu aan de ouding en Glasgow op 29 januari 2022. Je kan die link in de beschrijving klikken of go aan het ouding, type en Joe Kozagge, Glasgow en ouding die bocksers daar. Ik zal hopelijk zie jou ouding, waarin het oudig is. Je kan nu me volgen in al m'n social media platformen, om die ouding te vinden, en vergeet nie te klikken die subscribe button en de notificatie button, zodat jou op het woord is, waarin m'n ouding podcast gaat. Het begon met een ouding hier, maar dan een week later, ik had lins spelling op, in m'n nek, arm pit groeien, en toen het begon, was het gevaarlijk. Ik kon het nie met die handvoels uitkomen. Ik was horrifiek gepresd, na het begin gebeuren. Het was een week voordat ik de schave was, en ik had een handvoel van haar, en ik was gewoon, oh, how am I going to I got through this. This was before I even knew how a wig worked and before I knew what was going to happen and I couldn't get any answers, I still don't have any answers. It's just a lot to kind of get your head around. But then after the hair fell I managed to digest that but then the body hair went with it. And losing my eyelashes and my eyebrows was fucking shit. speciaal in het jaren in de lijn jouw partner zal het gelijk gelijk dan jou ik kijk in de muur en ik ben stil adapteerd eet die dag en die nacht ik ben stil sat in die nacht met m'n luk m'n luk en geen make-up en ik denk dat jou does he think he's ugly does he think he's attractive does he want to have sex with me tonight en alles is veranderd ek remember m'n dad die pas die wele kee me in ek remember when he was ek getting kee me when he had to shave his head out it's fucking heart breaking that shit I remember mum, she went up the stairs and broke her hat, it's like something, it's like, that's the acceptance that something's not right. And it's important for me that everyone sees how real shit is, you know, how life isn't perfect and you've got to keep on fighting it, you've got to get through it. So for me sharing that was really important and being so open about it when I was hurting the most was really important. But yeah, I remember leaving the salon and sitting in my car for half an hour just bawling my eyes out. Like, literally, it's devastated. Boom, we're on. In action. Yes. And today's guest who gets out of Jackson, how are you, boob? I'm all right, yeah. Bit rough on weekend, but I'm getting there. Yeah, feeling tender. A little bit, yeah, bit fragile. Down and pressed in here. Yeah, welcome to my home. Yeah, thanks for inviting me. So, Modo. Been on X and the Beach and stuff. Yeah. But last year you went through a bit of trauma. You started losing your hair. You were diagnosed with alopecia. Yeah, alopecia universe Alice, which is like the worst case of alopecia you can get. Absolutely no history of it at all. No family history. Just literally never had hair loss. Just ages 28, it just all just went in six weeks. All of a sudden that's nearly a year. Yeah, so here we go now. And that's why you're wearing now. Yeah, so yeah, this is obviously a wig. I have no eyebrows or eyelashes or body hair. So these are obviously eyebrow transfers from my range. And I just buy eyelashes now, because I think losing my eyelashes was the hardest part. You wouldn't even notice that. Yeah, I could have definitely got away with hiding it, couldn't I? But no, it was nice that I could share my journey and be open about everything as I was going through it. Just being open with it really. And it's helped so many of the people as well raising the awareness around what alopecia is, because I mean when it happened to me, I didn't even know what it was. I was like, what on earth is going on? I literally thought, I thought that there was going to be something really wrong with me. Alopecia isn't actually class as an illness. It's not, it's more cosmetic rather than health, which is crazy because it's your immune system attacking itself. But yeah, there's... That's it, here we are. Here we are. I'll always go back to the start of my guess. Where you grew up, how it all began. Okay, so it should be what, before my hair loss. Yeah, just right when you were born, where you were born, how you were raised. Yeah, so I was born in Longtown, which is just around the corner. I've always stayed in pen with him. My family all live abroad now though, so I don't really have many of them. They're visiting them in a minute actually, they're upset. But I don't normally have them around. So that was quite difficult when I obviously went through the hair loss. It was quite hard not having them there. But you know, you get free things, you get a challenge and you just deal with it. But yeah, so obviously I used to be a dressmaker. So I just self taught myself one day, I can't do a nine to five job, it kills me. And I can't work for other people because I don't like being told what to do. So I was like right, okay, I need to do something that's going to make me money. So I went into dressmaking after doing nails for a few years. And yeah, then since then I went on X on the beach. That was quite interesting. It wasn't for me at all, because I'm not a slag. But it was fun and it was something to do. It was very eye-opening. It was nice to experience the media world and what's real and what's not about it. But yeah, and then obviously following that, then we all went into lockdown with COVID. I lost all my hair. And since then I've obviously done my cosmetics range hopefully to help other people, like whether they're going through cancer or just hair loss. It's just there to help them really. What about schooling? Who was school for you? School was horrific. Why? Yeah, school was really bad. I was really badly bullied. I was always either beat up or there was two occasions where I was black and blue. I was a wealthy child in a public school. And even though I'm never, I'm not materialistic at all, I'm never the girl who's, you know, I'm not bothered. I would never go to someone's house and go, I'm not that person at all. I'm not bothered at all who someone is. I take them for face value, not for what they've got. But unfortunately, when it's the other way round, that's not always the case. So yeah, it was really difficult. I'd say until I was about 15, 16, and then I started having pool parties and then I was popular. Everyone loved me then. But yeah, school was really hard for me. I'm just grateful that I didn't go through this then because I wouldn't have been able to handle it then. What came that? Was this primary school or high school? Primary school was a bit shit, but high school was the real challenge for me. Why did you not go to private school? I got the offer. I did get told I can do both. I mean, if I'm being honest, I'm thick as picture. So I couldn't get into private school anyway. I did try in year, I think it was year 10. I did try and I just couldn't pass the test again, in all honesty. I was unfortunately, because I hated school that much. I didn't really want to be in lessons. I didn't really want to go. So obviously that affected me academically. I just lapsed really with it. I just didn't do as well as I could have done. How did your secondary school bullying affect you? Going through your teenagers? I'm actually grateful for it. Because it makes you stronger, doesn't it? Shit happens and you just deal with it. The social skills of it have definitely helped me. You know, it's good to see the real world. It's good to see how everyone lives different lives and experience challenging situations because they ultimately make you as a person who you are, don't they? What did you do after school? So after school, I actually worked for my dad for a little bit doing waitressin in one of his restaurants at the time. I hated it. I was good at it but I hated it. I'm good at talking to people so it was alright. You know, it's not exactly a hard job. It wasn't bad but then I did a nail course and started doing acrylic nails. I passed my driving test as soon as it turned 17 and my dad kicked me out because he wanted me to get my independence which wasn't great at the time but now I'm really grateful for it because it really evolved me as a person. I started doing nails and then I was either mobile or they come to me. I started my dressmaking following that because I was sick of socialising with different people and asking how the holidays were. I did what, sorry. Do you like to keep yourself to yourself? Yeah, I'm quite... I'll be open about what I want people to say. I think there's some things that you should keep private and behind closed doors but yeah, I'm quite open with stuff especially with my alopecia. I think it's really important to just throw it out there and just be honest. When did you go on to X in a Beach? How did that come about? That was 2017. I just got out of a very long relationship. How long? I actually went back into the relationship after X on the beach so it was like four and a half years at a time and I was just a typical 24 year old girl that was just like right, I've got to do something. To be honest with you, I kind of felt like I'd done everything. I was quite happy with everything and I was just like got asked on Facebook do you want to go on a TV show and I was like, yeah, why not? I mean, from a young age I have always... How do I say it without excited cringe? I've always been interested in being known and being in the media, being exposed. I've never really shied away from it. Being on TV for me was almost seen as success and when you are the daughter of a man who's very successful, because my dad's amazing, you do feel that pressure to almost be something on your own and be known for something on your own and have you success out there. At the time, that was success to me. It's different now, completely different. I've had so many different experiences and successes and I weigh it up, so totally different now. At the time I was dead proud of myself for doing it. I was like, yeah, I've been on TV. Now it's like I have to get about it really. It's crazy that you do see people on TV magazines and you think, fuck me, they look as if I've got a great life. But I'll never look at it the same anymore. Now that I've done it, I know a lot of people that are in reality and whether they're doing it now or they've done it before, you just see things differently. You just don't see what you did see before as a viewer watching it. It's really strange. Because you realise it's all bullshit. There's a lot of bullshit. There's a lot of bullshit, yeah. Who was all on that show? My show, it was Joshua Ritchie, Nicole Sharbas, Ross Wordswick. I don't know if you know any of these people. I think I know the boy Ross. Ross, yeah. Ross has got the Bran Couture Club. He's done me the well with it actually. Yeah, I think so, yeah. Yeah, Zahida Valin. She went on George's show for a short period. But it was intense. I mean, it was literally like being back in high school for me. I'm quite... I won't do anything I don't want to do. So being in that villa was very much, you know, they want you to play up to the cameras. They want you to attention see. Now I'm the girl that's been brought up, that's been told. Don't attention see. Stop looking for drama. Like stop being soft. That's me. So I'm very much like straight to the point. You know, like in a truth or dare, do you want to suck his toe? Do I fuck? I'm not going to. That's just me, that's who I am. Do you want to go and sleep in bed with a guy and shag him when you've known in two days? No. Do they want you to do that? They don't say things direct. But the way they're obviously set up and filmed, you know what the movies are. I'm not a stupid girl. You know how they want for entertainment and how they produce things. But I just, yeah, I left on my own accord. I was just done. It was very much being filmed. I get a lot of people saying, are you and Zahida friends? We was very much friends behind the camera. So when we're on camera, it's going to be up to it and be horrible to me. And she even held her hands up and was like, I'm sorry they want me to do this and want me to do that. And I was just like, do you know what? Stop just doing it for the camera. It's just be yourself. It's just not normal. But we were both really young then. I'm nearly 30 now. I don't know. I think she's a bit younger than me but she's a bit older now as well. I think it's different, isn't it? When you've had time and you look back and you're like, wow, that really happened. How did that change your life coming out, especially from a girl being bullied at secondary school and then coming out of that? Because everybody in reality shall get slaughtered online. So how did you adapt to that? If you gave me the option of being called a fun sponge and boring or a slag, I'd take the fun sponge and boring. I will take that. I'll wear that with pride. I'm happy with how I came across. They obviously aired it like I was miserable and was never smiling. Which is not me. I am a happy person. I am silver linings and all that lot. But on that show, it was very testing for me to be happy because I was constantly in situations where I was the centre of the drama and I just didn't handle it very well at all. It got to a point where it affected my mental health so much because I was like, I need to get out of this filler. I'm not sleeping. I am around people that just not my people. Like it just was not for me. So coming out of it, I was really nervous because obviously they film it in November but then it only airs the following March. So you're there dormant waiting for this to go live and you're like, oh my God, what's going to change? Are people going to like me? Am I going to get a following? Which at the time when I'm only 24 was a priority from it, is why you do it. But no, it was really good. The response was fantastic. What about the trolling after that online? Oh, actually, yeah. Obviously I've had a nose job. I've had a boob job. You do get offered free surgery and everything and I've always wanted that anyway because I've always wanted to modify things and change things about myself as most people do. Is that what you were bullied about when you were younger? I used to get called alien head, Pete Burns, because I've always had naturally big thies on. These are my lips. You heard it here first. I've had everything but after the show I got called and there's nothing wrong with transgender people. I've got two best friends that are transgender. They're amazing. But obviously as a female that's quite hurtful to be put in that kind of category and it was said in a nasty way. It wasn't said in like, oh my God, you're beautiful. You look like this person. It was like, oh, she looks like a tranny. These people didn't have a nice outlook on what they were saying. It was very hurtful for me to be compared. I can't remember the person's name now but I did actually have a look of him. He identifies as a male but obviously dresses as female. It's not nice to hear stuff like that. It's not nice to be put down and you do constantly look in the mirror and me watching myself on TV was the biggest troll because I was trolling myself, watching myself like, look at my nose. I need to do that. And then when you've been on TV you do get approached from so many surgeons saying, do you want a free nose job? Do you want a free butt job? And you do get sucked in. I mean, I can afford the surgery regardless but when it's free, it's like, hell yeah. Like, why wouldn't I? Would you have ever done this surgery if you never went on this show? Yeah, I would. Would you have still done it? Best thing I've ever done. Would you have still done it without a show though if you never went on it? Yeah. And you weren't getting trolled and you shut that out. Oh yeah, I've done it anyway. Would you have? Yeah, I'm so happy with my surgery. I know when to start up. Like, I'm done now. I won't have any more. I work hard in the gym. I'm really happy. If there's anything I need to change, I work on myself. But I'm just so happy with everything that I've don't regret anything at all. Yeah, never have to get it. I'm really happy with it. What was life like after? So obviously you get like, I mean, you realise that paps are all set up. That's all complete bullshit. I used to think, oh you go to an event and there's paps there waiting for people and like, how do they get these two shots? They must stalk them. It's all set up. It's all bollocks. But yeah, all the events you get invited to. And it's definitely a crazy whirlwind because you're almost one minute you're relevant. And then when that dies down and the next show comes on, you're irrelevant. And it's like, you're old news. And you know, for me, it was never a challenge because I have my own background and I have my own success in my own things that I've been doing. So I've got that security. But for friends that I know, they've gone from having these paid jobs, having this, we want you here, we want you there. So they're not being hot stuff and being like, how can I get a job anywhere? I've no degree, I can't do anything. And that must be really challenging. I can see why there are so many struggles after social media because it just eats you up and spits you back out. Yeah, it's fucking tough though because we're chasing an illusion. We're chasing something that doesn't really exist. It's all temporary bullshit. We want if you're accepted, we want if you're late, we want if you're loved and that doesn't give you that fucking fake love. And unfortunately a lot of people are prepared to sell the sell to the devil to be more successful. You hear, you watch some things and you think, oh my God, the way that people are faking a persona to be something. How fake is that? How false sense of security out of life is that? That's just not me. It's not who I am. So last year then, was it the biggest trauma in your life then when you started losing hair? So there was no signs before it, no patches anywhere, nothing. So it started off with a little patch here but then a week later, I literally had limbs swelling up everywhere in my neck, armpit groin and then when I say it started falling, it fell. Like it was like I couldn't touch it with that handfuls coming out. And then I remember going to a clinic in Prestum. I got recommended to go to them on social media because I put it on social media and I couldn't help me with what's going on. And obviously with it being COVID at the time, I couldn't get a doctor's appointment, no one would see me. It was all whirlwind of panic. So I got recommended to this clinic. Now you've got to bear in mind when I'm saying this, I'm not a stupid girl. When you're being told that someone can help you from losing your hair and you're just giving it to your grand, you think, oh yeah, I'll take it. You know, they scammed me. They scammed me a 2 gram and they couldn't help me at all. They were giving a lazy treatment. There was absolute bismal. It was like bollocks, just did not work. And I only found this out when I actually started going to a dermatologist privately because he was like, you need to get your money back. These have scammed loads of people that we know. The only time I actually got my money back was when I put it on social media because they refused to refund me. And that added to so much stress because obviously when you're trying to find answers and then someone's robbing you of the money, it's like even more, you're like, oh my God, I don't know whether I'm coming or I'm going. So that was really, really difficult. But then following that, obviously, it did just keep, it just went. So before that, there was no telltale signs where you're stressed, under pressure. I'm a highly strong individual. I will hold my hands up and go, do you know what? I attract drama. I don't like drama. I don't like confrontation. But I can't keep my gob shut if someone gives me shit. Or if I've got problems or if something's upset me, I have to go and I don't like that. I can't just sit there and go, don't let it consume me. Are you fine? Which I'm working on now. I was very stressed, lockdown wasn't easy. Anyone that has a partner in lockdown knows that or kids or whatever the case may be. It wasn't easy for anyone though. But I wouldn't say that it was traumatic for me or enough to lose all my hat. Do you smoke? No. No smoking? How is the alcohol beforehand? We can go out, nothing heavy. Nothing out of the usual, yeah. So what is alopecia then for people who don't know? Well, so alopecia is an immune disorder basically. It's when your immune system attacks yourself. So for me obviously, I did have juvenile arthritis, which is an immune disorder. And then I did have my implants done. So that was a year and a half before I lost my hair. So I am currently doing research to see if my implants are causing my body to attack itself. Because they can, if you've got immune issues, they can make that worse and they can then cause your body to do crazy shit. So that's what I'm currently debating. But there's just no science behind it. All the doctors, everything, everyone that I've seen is like, no, it's not them. And I'm like, well, do I undergo an operation, remove my boobs, lose even more confidence? Because it does. You know, it is, as a woman, when your hair and your body is your feminine side, I know you're looking at me like that's really shallow, but it is. I know, but sometimes you take risks, man. It's fucking implants. It is something I'm going to do. I'm not ruling it off. I'm currently looking into stem cell treatment. Yes, stem cells is good treatment. That's America though. So excited, Russia. Russia, you're going. I'm so excited. So I'm waiting to see their success rate first with alopecia cases because, you know, it's one of them. It's big risk. It's not cheap. And I want to make sure if I do it, I'll be doing it for filming purposes. I will be getting the whole thing filmed and making sure that I share it because if it can help me, imagine how many people it would help because health is so common. But yeah, I'm hoping that if I do that, because I have always had underlying health issues with my immune system anyway, imagine if I can fix it all. Like, you know, my joints are knackered from a juvenile arthritis. If I can repair and recover that in my body, it would be amazing. Is there anybody else in your family who's got chronic stress or any chronic pain? No. How's your mum and dad? Did he stress or worry? Yeah, they're fine. I mean, my dad's a stress add. He's a businessman. He's always stressed. You know, work stressful. But that's part and part. That's what happens, isn't it, when you're successful, you do get stressed. Of course, man, of a team. But no, there's nothing that could have linked the two really for me to have my issues that I've had. So everything's just started falling out of hair, eyelashes, eyebrows, everything. Literally. My head went first. So all my hair on my head started going. And actually started dealing with it. I was like, oh, it's quite a vibe. You know, I quite like it. And it is really weird. You know, it's like, I never thought. I used to joke. I used to go, Frank, I've got hair. Imagine me bold. Like I've got horns. And I thought I had a weird shape head. Frank, God, I don't. But you do, you start to think, like, you know, it's not something that you'd ever think you'd have to go through as a woman. For a man, it's quite common for them to recede or go bold or whatever. But for a woman, you just never really think you'd be faced with that change. And it's such a shallow thing to be that upset about, you know, I hit depression for a good three, four weeks. You know, I was like, horrifically depressed when it started happening. When, you know, it was a week before I went for the shave and I had like a handful of hair and I was just like, oh God, how am I going to get through this? This was before I even knew how a wig worked and before, you know, I knew what was going to happen and I couldn't get any answers. I still don't have any answers. You know, it's just a lot to kind of get your head round. But then after the hair fell, I managed to digest that but then the body hair went with it. And, yeah, losing my eyelashes and my eyebrows was fucking shit. I'm not even going to paint it. I paint a pretty picture. It was really hard. How was your shave? Is what sorry? How was your shave? Yeah. When I did lose it, I was definitely, I went to the doctors and went on antipresence for about a month and I was like, what am I doing? I remember like people that I've known in the past that have said that on antipresence I said that is weakness and I'm not knocking anyone. You know, that's not me giving them criticism. That's just me saying, your mind is yours to control. A drug is not going to change that. You need to change the way you are and change the situation. But obviously for me, I couldn't change the situation. It was happening. It was out of my control. So for me, I needed the help and at the time I thought it'd help me, but it didn't. So I literally was like, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing that anymore. Because you were in a relationship at the time. How does that affect in a relationship? Massively impacted it. Why? Well, he didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to help me. It was like, you know, I didn't know what to say. So how can he have known how to give me comfort. You know, I think when, especially now a year down the line, your partner will get used to it quicker than you. I still look in the mirror and I'm still like adapting even every day, every night. I'm still, you know, sat in the night with my little beanie hat on and no makeup on and I'm thinking, does he think I'm ugly? Does he think I'm attractive? Does he want to have sex with me tonight? And everything does change because they, in his mind, he's probably thinking, oh, I'll be sensitive. You know, like, she won't want to do it. She might not feel comfortable and he's probably thinking about me rather than himself. But obviously in my mind, it was, he doesn't want to go near me. I feel like dog shit. So yeah, it does. Sorry, you can hear my nephew crying. It does definitely impact a relationship. 100%. Yeah, so the relationship then, that affects a relationship, affect a relationship. Yeah, I've often found myself in this process thinking if he met me now, would he still want me? And you can't help that. That's natural. For a woman to, you know, is a drastic change. It is, it's life changing. It is, you know, it is just hair, but it is such a big deal to a woman. And for a man as well, the way that guys are these days, it is such a shallow world. It is based on appearance. And, you know, I do believe he loves me, but it doesn't stop you from questioning that. And I have many times thought, would it be easier to meet someone? This is who I am. You either want it or you don't. You know, on a fresh kind of basis, it probably would, because I know that the heart's in it for the right reasons, rather than, they have to stick around, because I mean, you have to be a big conselief, someone that's just lost a helmet, you really. But again, man. I don't know, man. It's fucking hair. Like you look, for me, you're beautiful anyway. Like you look fucking great. So for somebody to be, I can't towards it, it shows you how much I can't near. Do you know what I mean? There are a lot, because I speak to a lot of girls that have hair loss. There are a lot of men that have left women for the wisdom hair. But a lot of people have the things to do with looks now. Nobody's looking with them. Is that so? It's awful. Honestly, it's awful. It's fucking shallow. It's so shallow. I mean, the way I see it. It's hard for anybody to say if they've not been in that position. Do you know what I mean? It is difficult. It is a big change, but I mean, I can be a different girl every day. I've got about 50 wigs upstairs. You know, I can be any hair color I want. I can look any way I want. I love it. I think it's great. If my hair does come back, I'll be keeping it shaved. If I could pay for one thing back, it'd be mad. Would you give it a shave if it goes back? 100%. What was it like in your first team? You shaved it all off and you had to look yourself in the mirror. How was that? Heartbreak him. Heartbreak him. I think it made it worse because I actually had an argument with my partner at the time on the day. And he wasn't there with me. It was shit. Like shit. Because I had to travel to... Where was it? Harrogate. I started to travel to Harrogate because Emma at the time blessed her. She was so... She made me my first wig and she was like so amazing. And she's like, come to her salon, we'll shave it. We'll get you a new wig fitted after we've shaved it. It'll seal the deal. You'll be fine. She's honest. She gives me life, this woman. She's like my fairy godmother. And I remember being sat in the chair en oh, this fucking song came on that reminds me of a partner at the time. And I remember just fighting back. I don't like people seeing me cry. Like if I have to get a sore throat from holding in that tear, I'll hold it in. And the song came on and I'm literally just sat in the chair. And I'm very mad. I'm videoing myself as well because I'm trying to make it as public as possible because it's raw and it's important for me that everyone sees how real shit is. You know, how life isn't perfect and you've got to keep on fighting it and you've got to get through it. So for me, sharing that was really important and being so open about it when I was hurting the most was really important. But yeah, I remember leaving the salon and sitting in my car for half an hour just bawling my eyes out. Like literally, it was devastated. I told you I wouldn't cry, so stop it. Why do you think you are so guarded though? Why do you hold back a lot of emotion? Has that been bullied when you were younger? Quite a lot of the time and this isn't a bad thing when I was growing up quite a lot of the time it would be Zara's drama queen you know Zara's don't overreact don't be such a drama queen. So for me now when I got upset it feels like an act even though it's not it feels like it's like oh god cringe, stop it. So that's kind of why I'm very I don't like vulnerable I will be if I have to be but if I can control it and just like get a grip shit happens there's people worse off than you it's not the end of the world then I will kind of coach myself out of that mentality. But you do know it's okay to be vulnerable you know it's okay to be sad you know it's okay to cry like That's why you smell suicide so rife is because men suppress Men block it all in Do you think that could be part of the hell loss as well suppressing all your feelings and emotions because you don't want to express how you really truly fail? Probably not no because I'm quite an open book I do talk to people and I do you know Being in a book is Being chat is not an open book though because what I see now is you are very sensitive but then you do suppress a lot of emotions like you don't really speak the facts of how you're truly feeling so like I say I'm an open book but I still tell lies I still go to the grave I shout to myself by a lot I still go to the grave with a lot of shit but I still think fuck me man I had to write stuff down a piece of paper and then burn that so I could just put it into the universe Put it this way with my hell loss journey I think people have seen me cry twice that's quite astonishing considering you know it gets people quite a lot I would go upstairs and have a cry on my own or you know I've never sat in front of my partner at the time or in front of family and cried about things I just haven't done it why do you think that is? because no one can help me so what's the point just deal with it by myself but people can be there surrounding and support you man that's help as well if people think you're fine then people will not ask are you okay because you're putting the mask to see what you're skipping about I do try especially with because obviously social media the Instagram side things is like a big part of my life especially sharing all this I do try and show the bad days but then like I say I do worry like no one wants to see depressing stuff everyone wants to hear uplifting things and positive things so I do try and avoid being too in depth with how I might be feeling sometimes is that because you don't want people to see that you're actually really hurting no because I think I've shown that I think I've shown that you can see it in my face the videos that I've shared are so raw you can see I don't need to say anything it's there to see and I think that's enough people get it I've been overwhelmed with support I don't need any more support I've got plenty of support and it never goes unappreciated there's only so much I can say about my situation that will actually change it because it is what it is so yeah I try not to get to it even though social media can be toxic there's a lot of good people out there who show a lot of love and support oh my god so many the support I've had from social media has been amazing I only actually start getting trolling when a few profiles helped me by sharing my cosmetics because basically now my silver lining in my hair loss is to get products out there because hair loss is so common whether it's cancer or alopecia whatever the case may be a lot of people are going through it so for me now it's getting the message out there and seeing you can be okay you can look perfectly normal you've got this so I have had a few profiles that have been fantastic and they've shared stuff for me the comments Jesus, not everyone's nice imagine waking up next to that every morning oh she's plastered in makeup oh why didn't she just grow some eyebrows her poor boyfriend you do you get nasty people is that playing your mind that night at the time it does now it doesn't now I'm just like wow I look at their profiles I'll never retaliate they're hardly oil paintings I'm like come on give me a break that's fucking profiles do you know what it is it's just more like if I click on their profile this overweight some of them are actually bolding as well it's quite funny about it you are bold why are you disrespecting me you're bold too like give me a break but yeah it does it kind of just gives me a piece of mind of no one is perfect so let them criticise you because they're far from perfect themselves and that's enough validation for me to just be like no don't even let it bother you what was the first thing of you had been out in public without a wig no I've not why do you know what I have absolutely no desire to I'm not mad at myself for not doing it I don't feel pressure to do it I like wearing my wigs I like feeling girly I like posting pictures bold I do what I want to do and I don't let anyone kind of change that one side that would affect that and this isn't the whole reason why I don't because it's my decision it's up to me when I'm putting my myself on social media bold it comes with an explanation so people can see what's going on they know what's going on if I went out in public bold that's left in imagination and a lot of the time that is cancer related I've had people message me saying have you got cancer are you going through chemo and that's fine too because cancer happens but that's not what's happening to me I don't want people to look at me feeling sorry for me thinking that I'm poorly because I'm not and I don't want them to feel bad for questioning that either because it's natural to question that you see someone bold you're going to wonder what's going on yeah we're nosy bastards well yeah but I'm a nosy bastard we're all nosy bastards it's human nature and that's fine I remember my dad he passed away with leukemia I remember when he was getting chemo in my head to shave his head it was fucking heart breaking that shit I remember my mum she went up the stairs and broke her heart it's like that's the acceptance that something's not right yeah of course obviously alopecia is different but then people they see it as the same thing though honestly you'd be surprised the people identify it and this isn't their fault alopecia isn't it's taboe people don't want to talk about it people hide it I could have very well hid it I could have carried on on social media acting like I'm wearing wigs because I want to wear wigs I could have hid it but I'm not fucking doing that because that's part you to truly accept to truly heal it's helped me accept my self being as raw as I want to be and just going you know what fuck it I'm bald deal with it I've got to deal with it so deal with it and I love that honestly I love it and the messages I get like off girls saying I've been losing my hair but now I'm really excited after seeing your profile because you've made me realise it's not the end of the world and that gives me it just fills me up how do you keep that high spirit then like do you wake up how do you feel in the morning sometimes everybody has our down days but you just go on with it day by day crack on honestly I'm actually really alright with it now I mean don't get me wrong it's hard and sometimes I do go I just wish I could just shove my eye up in a ponytail on my head but then every morning I get up do the gym and then I'm like oh I don't need to wash my hand now I can just shove my wig on and I'm ready to go and it's great you know I mean I don't like having to wear make up in the week I do go out without my eyelashes on and without make up on I never go out without my eyebrows on because I look like a morph, a phart attack have you ever seen a phart attack you know I look like one of them so I do wear my eyebrows but they're easy they stay on for three days so that's fine but honestly there are worse things in life and when you actually calm yourself down and look at the biggest picture you know I could have lost a leg I could have the gentleman you've shown me before with all the burns I mean Jesus you know life isn't it's not perfect and people who you think have a perfect life nine times out of ten don't have a perfect life so for me to be able to just show my flaws and use it almost as like this isn't a flaw this is an advantage this is I'm unique now like this is my way of being able to help other people and give them a different mindset a different outlook on it than you know it's turning something that could have ruined me into something that might have actually made me yeah you know because people get alopecia a big percentage of their hair grows back after a few months yeah so alopecia areata is the most common so that's patches forms that comes and goes and you know that is normally stress related you know your body's sensitive you know how it is really sensitive but my case of alopecia is very unlikely I'll get my hair back I've not got scarring I saw follicles but the longer that I'm bald your skin eventually does heal over the follicle so you then won't be able to grow hair but I'm not going to let that happen but with the technology in that we've got now like hair transplant shut like that laser treatment like there'll be things in the next few years that right so with a hair transplant it's complete I have had people messaging me this you know why I didn't get hair you have to have hair to transplant first and if your body's rejecting hair follicle it won't work so that's a no-go but because alopecia is cosmetic because I am not under any health for a skyme sat here very well live and kicking bit on go from the weekend well that's done that damage you know they don't look at me as I need to help this we need to find the science behind alopecia and fix it cure it they don't care you know they've got plenty of other things to cure and sort out I mean there's a lot of money in it they'll be if they did find a cure god they might have people with hair loss even men bolding men would 100% pay it what kind of stuff you must have been mad with the research there must be people who's had the same condition as you and their hairs grow back what kind of stuff were they doing so the steroids I went on the steroids oral steroids for 4 months that was a challenge I don't even like taking a paracetamol when I've got a headache I'm like girl I'm like no I'll be fine when I'm not fine I'm dying but I'll be fine so going on the steroids was quite a big decision for me but the main reason why I did it was because I wanted to share my experience I'm sharing everything I know about alopecia so I owe it to myself and to people I'm talking to to know all the facts to have tried it to have been there done that and I'd always wonder what if if I didn't so I did try the steroids I got hair growth within 5 days I had a little fluffy kiwi head it was great and then yeah after 4 months I did get a lot of hair growth I hit puberty again which was quite interesting at the age of 28 you know puberty twice in one lifetime is mental but anyway when I dropped down to 3 tablets a day on the last month unfortunately did start to fall again and I was just like I'm not fine I was excited to get rid of it it was all patchy I preferred me bold than having all that patchy hair everywhere it was like I knew I was holding on to something that wasn't going to stay so to get rid of it at the time I was like no it needs to go I'm glad I did it was hard but I knew it wasn't going to stay really I was trying to have the mentality it will stay you give energy and you get it back but realistically it was never going to stay have you ever felt it would stay was that this happening again was if it was for the first time again hair coming through building your hopes up to then having to shave it again no I think because I always kept my head on me I knew the odds weren't in my favour for the hair to stay so for me it was more like everyone was like why are you shaving it now you're not losing it I know I'm losing it again I can feel it it's weird when I first lost my hair I knew I was going to lose it all at the time partner was like you're not going to be fine I remember I'll never forget this was the first time I ever broke down about it he sat and took my hair extensions out for me because this stupid clinic told me to keep them in said I'll be fine the hair had basically matted that badly into the extension wefts that it was like a carpet in the back of my head like a tuft and he was taking it out and literally I've actually got pictures on my instagram so I'll send them here for this half of my hair went like literally it was just bold and I remember turning around and looking at Curtis and just being like is it really bad he was crying and I was like oh he's crying like it's obviously really bad but because everyone thinks that I'm this drama queen in my family and Curtis I think they all thought she's fine she's going to be fine and then when I sent the pictures to my mum she rang me hysterical I can't fucking believe it what the fuck is going on and I'm just like you're not helping me mum I'm trying to keep my shit together you're not helping but yeah that was shit why do you think you need to be strong one other thing don't know I'd hate getting upset over things that I can't change and because I couldn't change it I did cry that day I cried a lot my best friend came around to cut my hair for me because what was left would look like rats tails it was just like all over the show and I know I feel emotions I'm satis sweating my tits after just talking about it so I know I get upset but yeah I don't know I kind of bottle it up it's okay to be upset though it's okay to show emotion because you get very fidgety when you know you're just about to cry I hate it I hate crying I don't know I just don't like it I like it in my own company that's just because you've conditioned yourself and they try to be tough I think because I don't think I've helped myself with that in the long run because I do think a lot of the time I did I don't need to be told that you're alright and are you okay or come here give me a hug if someone goes come here give me a hug I go no I'm fine go away don't hug me because I'll fucking break down but I think that's just my character that's just how I've dealt with things growing up I've tried to do all the meditation I cannot do it same life I either fall asleep or I think about what I'm eating for my take how's friends and stuff treated you have you lost any friends as everybody supported you no everyone's been so supportive in fact my best friend sat in the lounge and I were wearing one of my wigs which looks amazing but yeah it's good I think wigs are the future anyway I think a lot of women now are thinking why would I want to sit in a hairdressers for 4 hours 5 hours having my hair dyed when I can just shove a wig on and save the money save the time what have you tried to get it back what's that it's gross really bad they take blood out of your arm spin it with a machine that they've got to basically bring all the I should know what it's called it's completely gone mind blank it brings all the goodness out of the blood that you basically need to put and then the inject it into your head so you have about thousands of incisions all over your head like bee stings did it work I did it at the same time as when I was on the steroids so were you allowed to do it too at the same time though yeah yeah it's fine it's all natural you put in your own substance back into your body aren't you you put your own blood back in it definitely encouraged the growth however I think if I had alopecia ariata I definitely would do it now I've got universalis I wouldn't bother again it's not worth it and I'm petrified of needles so I've been like a pink cushion since I've lost my hair having blood tests every other bloody month that was every 10 days every 10 days it was intense but I kind of look back and I'm quite proud of myself for doing it should be man because you're still here fighting smiling still doing your own thing but people can just become very close they don't want to know anybody just close the curtains shut the door and just you're owning it we spoke about that girl who's got the skin kind of she does her thing she owns it we always concentrate I know the most beautiful girls out there but they still use filters because they don't feel good enough we all use fillers we all use face tune this is what I'm saying we always look for flaws in myself of course we don't I'm my own biggest critic by far I'm terrible but at the same time I will post a picture of me before and after it's been edited I don't do it for other people's benefit I do it because I like to do it I enjoy doing it I enjoy doing the little smoothing the skin defining things I'm quite an art person I used to play on the Barbie videos where you can make Barbie and make her perfect it's weird isn't it how does that affect any other skin parts does the skin color change how does it since I've lost my hair you mean my skin is like a baby's bottom it's amazing I've got moisturiser on my arms now I look like a plastic doll when I'm naked it's mental my skin has literally transformed I haven't had a spot since I used to get spots all the time I haven't had a spot since I quite explain it it's amazing I don't miss shaving save money on shampoo do you wash your legs I don't have to wash them often I have quite a lot I go between quite a lot of wigs I'm very lucky about 34 wigs now I think my wardrobe is pretty scary there's lots of people in there that's another thing I do tend to get I kind of feel awkward talking about it because wigs are worth probably from about £500 to a thousand maybe £1,500 per unit this one I'm wearing now is £1,600 right so wigs aren't cheap and I will often get messages from giving away about 7 but obviously because I'm getting sent these units to promote I can't just give them away it's part of the agreement if you send me a wig I'm promoting it for you I do feel guilty that I am in a position where because I've shared it on my social media I do get sent 3 wigs and people will kill for that some people save years and don't leave the house without a cap because they can't afford to buy a wig and it's like I get these messages and I'm like fuck how do I even answer that because I can't relate to that when I have to say to them I'm going to be honest with you I'm fortunate enough to have been helped but I do get discount codes for people and I do do my research and promote good wigs to help people get a good wig because that's hard in itself to find someone that's actually good at making wigs you can get some shit ones see when you're at the aligned bed when you go to sleep there are no wigs, no nothing do you ever feel, I know people some people, I know a few guys who's maybe been in the army they've maybe lost a leg or an arm and they still get an itchy arm or an itchy leg when it's so I still dream that I've got hair I actually had a dream last week that I was having my hair extensions done and in my dream I was going but my hair's fallen out though so why are you doing my hair extensions but in this dream I had hair it was really strange 28 years with hair that's a long time to then just have nothing it's like a big fucking I've lost all my hair so in your mind you do sometimes go back to it and you do think you know I need to go and wash my hair and then you go, no I don't it is really it's really surreal talk to me about this to themselves I am so excited about this so my dad's basically finally started to want to help bless him I think he wanted to help the whole time but I think a lot of people I think a lot of people thought that after a year it would come back and I think now that obviously I've got to a year they're all like shit she might be in this for the long haul which is fine if that's the case I think a lot of people they probably wanted to help you at the start but I think with your personality saying I'm fine I'm okay I'm not going to do it people don't want to annoy you anymore because for me personally speaking to you I think I'll be fine I'll do it myself or you'll sit there that's like a coping mechanism for me you're just open now for a lot of people to try and help you which has changed I'm glad my dad's starting to help me now you just weren't ready for him to try and help you I wanted to try and exhaust everything I could do first before I needed help of other people because it was more me accepting it was happening and accepting that I can't change it rather than I didn't want people to help me in life with me if I wanted it I'd do it and I'd do it for myself I'd never lent money off people or ask for favour I cannot stand favours I won't do it unless I really need to do it I won't do it you've got me nailed there it is very much in my nature my dad rang me the other day I was going through a bit of a tricky time at the minute with my personal life he basically just said I'm looking into stem cells I'm speaking to people and I've already done this but they told me they couldn't help me however my dad's found something that I think it was a documentary they've called Alpecia his ears have pricked up I'm going to speak to them I'm actually just waiting for that information to be given back to us waiting for him to have the phone call as well because he's sending my grandad as well my grandad's got what's the condition when you shake Parkinson's my grandad's got Parkinson's we're also trying to help him as well how amazing would it be if you can modify your genes so you don't get ill you don't have the health problems it's incredible if I do do that if it does seem something that's worth trying in which I will then I'll be definitely blocking the whole thing making sure that every single bit of it is out there stem cells are a powerful thing they actually get stem cells from an umbilical cord it's mental isn't it? they cut the umbilical cord with a bow we get actually get more we'll have more stem cells my brother's girlfriend is actually pregnant at the minute with her second child she's due in december and they're going to freeze the umbilical cord I must say it but apparently anyone in the family so her side or my brother's side can get stuff from that and be treated with it that'll be amazing I'll be giving them some money for that I'll have a cut of that one I can't really say too much on the stem cell because I don't know enough yet to be able to say what could happen but I'm definitely up for that even if it hurts I'm just like give it to me we've got a roll of dice with anything that End of the day it is fucking only here but that's easy for me to say listen I'm going bald at the top and I'm still looking about that and I look at my pillow in the morning I think fuck me there's more hairs you need to get a silk pillow it's good frantiating as well it's difficult because we're all craving we're all craving to be truffin perfection but perfection doesn't exist and you know what, since I've lost my hair I actually feel like I'm a better person my views on things, on people have completely changed and I was never bad before but now the value in people it's likely to touch me when I'm speaking to people that are going through the same thing it's like I feel it it's really strange, I can't explain it without sounding weird when I get messages I had a woman message me about a month ago and she messaged me saying I've got a bald patch in my head I don't know what to do about it and I'm like go to the doctors get your blood stung, get the patch checked just make sure your health is okay that's obviously priority number one she messaged me last week and she basically said I just want to thank you and I was like why, what have I done are you okay? she went to the doctors, they found a tumour in the bald patch I'm going to lose my hair because I've got a tumour and she said if I didn't go to the doctors when I did, if I've left it for a longer period of time it would have grown so big that they wouldn't be able to treat it you've saved my life and I'm like I don't think I have I'm getting emotional now she didn't try to keep it still like pretty woman like that and I was just like oh my god if that's how she feels about me I was just like I love it, it's just the best feeling in the world it's rewarding, it's not just about me or about the experience that I've had it's about other people now and for me, before it all happened I was on Instagram posting pictures thinking this is so fickle this is so I am very lucky I've got a beautiful family beautiful friends, I've got support where I need it, I've supported myself I've got my shit together I've got nothing to worry about as such and I was almost like what can I post that's real that no one wants to see a perfect perceived life and think that everything's great and when this happened I was like I feel like I've asked for this but it is it was nice to show that life is not perfect and to show it do you get a lot of messages for people with alabija? every day, overwhelmed what ages? there was a teenage girl that messaged me a few weeks back that was quite shit she was being bullied in school she didn't want to go to school anymore mum's making a go, she can't afford a wig they won't let her wear a cap in class I nearly rang the flipping school I nearly rang the school I sent her a wig what school was that? I didn't ask her because I had to rang them now that Covid is obviously out of the red alert I do want to try and get into schools and be able to just kind of talk about it because it is so common and people are so kids are cruel aren't they kids are fuckers everybody has this well but there's also goodness people are scared of the unknown people are scared of change people are scared of being different I'm scared of being different before I lost my eye I was petrified of being different I was very much trying to keep on trend with things and trying to keep within what is popular and what is cool and then sometimes you don't have a choice but to be different you just got to soldier on keep pushing if you have got something wrong with you I told you about the cold water stuff you still haven't done it yet oh my god my shower is that hot I am literally sweating by the time I get out the cold water does the strength in your immune system it raises your dopamine levels by 250% it's good for your skin it's good for your heart it lowers anxiety it lowers depression just to let you know I did try this my water in my shower won't go cold I'm going to take you upstairs I'm going to take you upstairs and show you after this interview I'm going to be like right see told you and you're like it's fucking lukewarm it doesn't go cold because the cold water strength in your immune system it strengthens white blood cells these are the ones that fight infection these are the ones that my life is totally transformed by it and getting up early as well isn't it I'm a lazy bitch I'm a lazy bitch I only had 4 hours sleep this weekend I only had 4 hours sleep this weekend I needed it how about if I hangover the next day how do you, everything goes on alcohol obviously is a trigger towards every depression really isn't it at the minute it's not probably the best thing for me to be drinking as we mentioned earlier but I like socialising I like going out and unfortunately I need to work on my self love and my confidence in myself to be able to hold a conversation with someone sober on a night out to be able to wear high heels sober on a night out they hurt after a few hours being drunk helps numb that up but yeah we're all part of the same problem really aren't we we all see it's crazy how alcohol can be something that's like I'm celebrating let's get pissed it's my birthday let's get pissed I've lost my hair let's get pissed I just had a baby let's get pissed it's like how is alcohol something that is so bad for you and massively self destructive something to celebrate with it's mental but unfortunately that's how we've been built going forward then for the future then what's the plans for yourself right so I am going to start hosting some events in Manchester first for alopecia girls to meet to come I'm going to have wig stands I'm going to have my cosmetics range I'm going to have dermatologists go the hardest thing for me with my hair loss was not knowing what the fuck was going on and not knowing who to help what to get checked what to do it was like a deer in headlights when it started happening I want to be able to provide a gathering or something there to support mentally these girls or even guys going through it so that's what I'm doing first I'm going to hold my first one hopefully September Coco just sat by the door obviously I've got the stem cell treatment which I'm buzzing to try and just working on myself really just trying to get myself back to who I was before it all and just trying to be confident in myself who was that I was really confident I actually went to visit my dad in IB for 3 weeks to go and he messaged me last week I think this is why he's helping me with the stem cells now because I think he's sin first hand I'm not okay he's sin, he said to me your confidence isn't the same you're not that girl anymore and oh god I was gutter after that phone call even if you're pretending you're okay you don't want to be told you're not just working on myself and almost appreciating myself before I actually do too much for everyone else you going to get there yeah that's my mission now everybody's got a mission but as long as you've got goals as long as you can see where you're going as long as you can see I believe you can truly heal yourself oh god damn right if you get through that steroids and believe in that your hair is not going to grow back I believe you can also put it into existence well yeah this is what's so frustrating because when I was on the steroids I was like stop thinking it stop thinking it when you lose your hair I was like don't stress you can't help it it's just human instincts when you're going through a situation that you want so badly you can't help but kind of put that energy out there to have them doubts or concerns oh god I tried I really tried to shut it all off but I think because I know the odds weren't in my favour that didn't help and obviously also with me sharing my journey I got girls there messaging me saying oh I tried the steroids too and I lost it again and it's like that immediately shits on everything because you're like no it's fine I'll be different but obviously when you're hearing it from people first hand it does piss on your chairs and you keep your hands close to your chest yeah I don't think it really impacted me that much if I'm being totally honest because the main reason why I did want to try it was to say I've tried it but yeah no I like my fuel at the minute is sharing everything it sounds really bizarre and it sounds very like I'm doing it all for Instagram it's not like that at all it is helping me process what's going on because I'm sharing it and being raw about it is helping me feel empowered feel motivated to just keep on trying just feel like I'm making a difference as well but that's very good for you because when people ask you if you're fine you tell them you're okay so when you're doing that on social media actually getting it off your chest in some way that is empowering you because you're not holding it in you suppress all your fucking emotions put it this way right I'm currently more upset about my recent break up than my hair loss and I've definitely changed a lot I've grown very confident on social media but very insecure in my own home social media is fake though it's not when you're dealing with real life girls going through the exact same thing it makes it very real I understand that but it's still an illusion it's still a fake bubble it's only a screen it's obviously giving you the confidence to still keep going and push forward which is a great thing it can be a great tool to then help people that speak to so many people back with drug abuse but ultimately I'm not helping myself I have been very much on edge for the past I'm probably saying since late last year you do question everything you do question yourself you do wonder if people are going to see you differently and I don't like to be seen different I don't like people to question me to wonder what I'm thinking or feeling I like to throw it all out there very forward with everything of course but people are always going to make assumptions people are always going to judge the human body that's the human mind you look at people and you'll judge because that's what we do but it's okay to be vulnerable it's okay to say I'm having a right bad day today but it's okay to then and people always say this it's okay not to be okay, that's true but it's not okay to fucking love her because we create how we think, we create how we feel, I believe that anything can be cured I genuinely believe that I do too, I think your mind is a really powerful thing Joda Spencer is very powerful he was knocked down he was on his bike knocked down, broke his spine but by lining his bed and visualising everyday his spine coming back and getting fixed together his spine hot in place again after a few months six months genies like that it's the visualisation, you see people with cancer that will go home it doesn't work for everybody but people do genuinely change and believe in themselves and they fight they do say a lot of people have cancer but because they don't go and see a doctor about it they end up curing themselves without them even realising they had that imagine if you could actually prove that that's the case there's so many people out there who do these kind of things by the power of the mind I have been really trying to channel my mind into visualising hair growth but then I don't want it to consume me so I am almost just taking it my priority now is accepting myself do you think you doubt yourself a lot? when it comes to love, yes massively when it comes to what I am capable of and what I want now I'll do whatever I want to do I'll do it I believe men are the weakest is the suicide rate so high in men because we don't know how to handle emotion the suicide rate in men with alopecia is double what it is with women is it? really high for men because obviously men have facial hair as well imagine losing your beard, your eyebrows, your eyelashes the hair on your head for a woman where very much make up anyway we can do make up most of us won't get out of bed answered all to post money even without make up on so for a woman it's normal to almost feel that self conscious worry about their image for a man it's not men like to just get out of bed and not have to bother don't they but if you lost all your hair you probably wouldn't have that I'm fucking losing mine as well I have some great contacts don't you, you just messaged me I've got some great contacts with hair transplants they're brilliant, hair transplants are even hair pieces for men, they are amazing I'm growing old gracefully I'm not dying my hair I'm not doing that shit no more we'll have this conversation if you ever lose it I'm not even going to jinx it I'm not even going to tent faith with it whatever happens but I'm here if you need I won't mind because people's messes me say oh we can give you this and that I'm trying to preach that everything's within that is only fucking hair and it's easy for a man we'll wait we'll wait, I'm going to fast more time now five years time all right James yeah we'll see a circle and he called it do you have pieces for anybody that's watching it's maybe going through the struggles with losing that hair what advice would you give for them right okay advice I would give the first things you check when you're losing your hair contraception if you've changed contraception if you've had a baby very common to lose hair after you've had a baby very very common so try not to worry get your bloods done by the doctors then take them for a second opinion to a dermatologist you can go through the NHS but it takes forever you'd be waiting six months and by the time you actually see when you're probably bald if you're going to lose it all you know that's not to be negative but if you're going to lose it all you're going to lose it all and there's no times on your side with that that you just got to go with the flow with it just making sure that your health's okay should be your priority get a wig wigs are fantastic and giving yourself more like you time like I have baths now every day I love a bath I never used to do that I used to just get myself worked up and you know just dismissed how I'm feeling when I need to relax I just sit there on my phone stress now I just have a bath and play like relaxing music for an hour and then that'll just completely be my therapy you know like that'll chill me out but yeah I think ultimately with hair loss it's really difficult to say it because it sounds so harsh but you can't control hair loss so you've got to quickly adapt your mind around whatever the outcome is is what it's going to be and you've got to literally just look for the groups look for you know my Instagram is great for a lot of people going for your hair loss because it's reassuring that you can still look normal and I always give tips and tricks on what you can do when you know good places for wigs and stuff like that I mean like I say wigs are the future anyway you watch and a few years time everyone will be wearing wigs anyway the hair extensions are a thing of the past so yeah what about you moving forward to the future, what's your plans I was actually really really strange I was actually sat in bed in Marley this morning my friend is in there and I was like I feel like at the minute I'm almost at a crossroads in my life where I've done quite a lot that I want to do so I've been I've travelled the only thing I've not done is I've a family and I've no urgency for that either I'm 30 next year and I'm not even bothered I'm just like if it happens it does, if it doesn't it doesn't so I'm almost at a point now where I want to find what makes me work, what makes me run what makes me feel alive because at the minute I'd feel like I don't feel like I'm not alive but I feel like everyone needs some kind of target or some kind of goal and at the minute for me I don't have one that's really standing out and that's quite sad Do you feel a bit lost? Oh yeah, I'm bad to feel lost at the minute I know, let's be honest It's inevitable that you feel lost especially when things are changing so fast and you don't know what's going to happen How can I plan my future when I can't even plan what I'm doing tomorrow Everything that happens in your life is either a lesson or a blessing We've just got to learn from it that fucking hell man I'm really really Do you think all your problems are away of course? Oh no, will they act? The hair is the last of my problems Honestly like Don't get me wrong, it's been a shock and it's been shit but I'm fine like, honestly the hair is the last of my problems right now I love wigs, wigs are fantastic and I've had that much support with it I can't sit here and even complain for a second What makes you happy? What makes me happy I'm feeling comforted, I love being around my family at the minute I've got all my family here, it's great apart from them making noise in the hallway I've been around my family My dad lives in Monaco so I'm probably going to visit him at some point My brother normally lives in Ibiza so it's nice having him home and my mum normally lives in Marbella Being around them at the minute is my priority and being with friends and just making sure like you said earlier that I'm actually opening up to people and not shutting myself away But what makes you happy when you're alone not with everybody else there Watching porn and making a lie that's what I do when I'm on my own, watch porn not my joking, just chilling just having a bath, just chilling making myself feel good Do you know what makes you happy? Yeah, I like doing things out of the ordinary I don't want a box on the life I asked you what makes you happy you've just given me 10 different things but that's because you're surrounded by other people I asked you what makes you happy alone It probably is watching porn I'm not even going to lie, it probably is and sleeping I just like doing things I don't really like being on my own I get bored, I get restless I like my own company, I like sitting in peace with a nice film on what I want to watch rather than what everybody else wants to watch I think everyone's like that though, aren't they? Everyone gets to a point where they just want to sit and not have to talk to people and not have to communicate and just have their own thoughts in the mind It's nice but I would much rather be thinking I'm going to go out to some towels tomorrow and go on loads of rides I like to have plans and have things to look forward to How are you feeling now? Not as sweaty I get so sweaty when I'm talking about everything My wig's sticking to my armpits We're coming on today We've been telling your story You're doing amazing Thank you for wanting to hear my story This will help a lot of people Like I say, every day I struggle with a battle for something in different circumstances But if you can be an amazing journey as well Would you like to finish up on anything? No, I think we've pretty much boxed everything off For those who are obviously going through a hair loss my brand is Zarlina Cosmetics For those who don't know what it is That's what it is I'm not actually mentioning that Thanks for coming on today babe Take care