 a couple of people that have dropped off. Okay, okay, so we were talking about esteeming others better than ourselves or esteeming the other person per se and we will calling it the number 10 principle and also the confrontational principle where we care enough to confront the person or we confront the person because we care for them and both of these enable us as individuals as leaders to communicate something to the other person that we do care for the betterment of the person. So yeah, so if you had a meaningful discussion, so maybe if you were able to discuss something in the groups, can one person from each of the groups probably share what you've discussed or what you the things that you were able to discuss? I think there were about seven groups, so if you could just maybe take a minute, that would be great. Anyone? Maybe I'll start. Okay, go ahead please. Thank you, thank you. Maybe first thing, time was short. Yeah, sorry about that. But one meaningful thing that I learned is from my brother back at home, we had two of them. Like these challenges that he had, this place of work where people are using full language of which it was not very encouraging and he was not comfortable with it and how God so dedicated in to overcome that and it's like it's changed some of the colleagues. Now the way they approach it, it's totally different. Thank you, thank you. Okay, so who was this person? Prabhakar? It was Prabhakar K. Okay, so Prabhakar, can you share with us like what was the practical steps you took in order to overcome this? Yes, first thing, so initially I tried to confront to say to him a friend that I would encourage if you don't talk to me like before he could approach, I went and spoke. I don't want him to speak to me in that way of all language because he was using, but that didn't work. Like he said, oh he's the regular thing as if he's so holy and all that. Then I went to the Lord and prayed how do I overcome this? Then a few principles I learned like when somebody speaks like don't focus on that, don't encourage, don't react to it. When they speak don't focus, don't like suppose they say something that is irrelevant, don't pay attention and respond only things that that is right. So I did that. When they try to speak in language that is not pleasant, I didn't focus on them. So slowly he got to know okay he doesn't like this way and at the same time I was not very hard on him. I was responding to other things. If he is speaking a language that I like, I would respond to him. So in that way he stops speaking when he approaches me, he doesn't speak in that way. Okay, okay. Thank you. Anyone else from any of the other groups? First of all we had Louis and Simran in our group. Louis was sharing that as a child how his teacher encouraged him, how the teacher applied the number 10 principle on him that worked really well in his life. Although he was kind of below average and he really moved on to talk the class and he still holds on to it in the way that the teacher has encouraged him. Okay, okay. Anything more that you could discuss? So I was just thinking how appropriately to apply the number 10 principle like would it cause like if you associate some kind of an appreciation to a person and would it kind of cause them to have some kind of a pride and lose out on it or do you apply it to specific actions so that they take the right path and go through that action or would it be to the person? Like Jesus was specific about what they would do not associating to a person that you are like this and not let kind of a pride set in that stops them from doing things. Yeah, I think we can all definitely appreciate the effort of the person. Sometimes as you were sharing this I just had this thought that I remember having a conversation with another person and so this was about actually a little child who drew something painted something and we were like oh that was very good I said that is very good. So then so he had the question you know you know that it's a child at the same time you know maybe that you know whatever the child put together it's not great okay. So would it be all these compliments you know would it be sincere and would it really help the child? So that's when then I realized you know you can always appreciate the effort the hard work went in that the you know the child has put in the person has put in and of course we will have to recognize you know in a professional setting we would have to recognize the outcome you know that's that matters but we can always appreciate the efforts put in and that way you know we will be in a way showing the or communicating the number 10 principle or putting into practice you know esteeming that person you know to do that. You know one of the practical things that I've you know also experience and also what past has been teaching us is that well a person might be skilled or talented or gifted and so while we be as leaders maybe we are mentoring, discipling you know whatever we are doing that to not really you know focus too much on the on the gifts and the skills and the abilities you know the person could be hiding behind that it's not that we don't compliment we don't you know appreciate but not to really focus fully or wholly on that but also on the other areas of development and to appreciate the efforts put into other areas of you know development. And yeah I just thought I'd share that okay. Yeah just being genuine is so important. Yeah yeah that is true because over a period of time you just if you know someone doesn't I mean initially it makes a lot of impact you know if a person is just gushing overflowing with compliments and gushing and all that but then over a period of time you know if it's not sincere if this person is going to be very superlative about everything then you know wow what a great cup of hot water you know what I mean then it's going to be a little you know insincere and and it's it's it's it'll work the other way around right rather than help the person it works the other way around so that is that is true yeah okay anyone else um others were part of the other groups yeah Chris. Yes so in my group there was Sister Avni and Abhishek and we were going through the Nammatan principle so I just shared one of my experiences in the in the in the corporate environment where I was after a group that was that was working closely with two other two other lines of business and the people who were in charge of those two lines of business one person I had I had a I had a personal bias and I realized in the long run that it actually did not did not work well so this was actually a lesson learned where this person whom I had a personal bias with was someone who you know always recognized people who you know work closely and work effectively with other people and because of the personal bias I did not you know I didn't really you know spend work as closely if we are you know with that person versus you know the other person so in the long run it did not work well for me so this was a lesson learned for myself right and for Sister Avni I think maybe here Sister Avni you can you can share your um she had a story that she also shared with us oh yeah please Avni you can go ahead yeah yeah thank you thank you Christopher brother and uh yes pastor so this is about my when I was new newly born again and I started going to this fellowship where we were five ladies worshipping so one of these persons would come there and uh she uh you know I I did not get along with her well you know I always wanted to avoid talking to her and you know listening to her and so I was uh not able to understand her at all so we we but we fellowship day after day and for years we were then I moved from Delhi to Bangalore and out of those five I reconnected with that person again and today you know I overcame I overcame those bias I had about her because I came to know about her story she's been through a very very tough time in life and because too much of complaining and all I used to resent her but then I was able to help her deal with those things and we we would simply pray together and today on daily basis we pray together and she's able to you know come out of her a lot of her past hurts and being able to you know overcome those areas where she needed help so Lord has dealt with us so mercifully and generously that today she's become my best friend and we are you know able to help each other encourage each other pray for each other and she's been truly helped in that area she's still alone but she's fighting the battles in in in the hope and more with more strength because of the praying together and a lot together so that's how I could overcome and Lord has been graceful to help us thank you thank you wonderful to hear that thank you okay um anyone else uh what about your grooves your group rose i know you mentioned that there's not enough time but anybody from your group hi yes pastor thank you um it was me your sister rupa and sister pracey and I was sharing about my personal experience with the number 10 principle because where I am working currently is I have to face people in different walks of life so I was sharing that I truly believe in treating everyone the same and even seeing them as that number 10 despite that what I see obviously in front of me and this has created an environment for them to open up and put down their defenses so just being mind judgmental and unbiased and I have learned that everyone is just the same essentially and deep down people instinctively react to what is being thrown to them and just as Jesus approached to the strangers even though he probably know what was truly going on inside the person he treated them as you know what they are potentially what they can be yeah right right so I just reminded of um I just met a person quite recently um just a few uh this is the beginning of this week actually um I mean he has been through a lot he's a young chap he's been through a lot right from his teenage years you know very very difficult um childhood um you know parents uh I mean mother incarcerated and imprisoned and so on so I mean very very tough childhood uh but just to see him come out of it and and of course picked up you know a lot of other things which were weighing him down like addictions and so on but but just because somebody believed in him and um and and really you know pulled out that gold uh in him and um and and more importantly you know not just uh you know the fact that he had the potential but the fact that the Lord had plans for him so the Lord has had purposes for him and uh so when I met him he was this confident and his overcome quite a bit and uh you know willing to change willing to put in so much of uh you know effort and being disciplined and so on and and just thriving you know um in and I was just praising God you know for for this person who really took care you know this person knew the mother and uh so was able to I'm sure I'm not able to share more details who does I I can't really it's confidential so but the fact is that you know this person really really believed in him and uh and and cost him to look inward and you know more importantly at at the Lord so he becoming a believer and it was so beautiful to see that so um really it's an outworking or you know the tangible um display of uh of this you know of this principle of course a lot of other factors involved but the but the key thing was this that the person believed in him and uh and pointed to God who believed in him you know who believed that he could change because of his power working in him so wow it is absolutely amazing to see that I just went away you know from that meeting thinking I wish we had more people like this people who would reach out to the depths of you know totally hopeless situations you know okay society does not want them where they're out of prison society does not want them family does not want them because of the stigma involved doesn't know how to relate to them and this person is just picking up such people and investing you know pointing them to the truth and it's a slow you know slow process but it's amazing to see the fruit of that yeah awesome okay anyone else um before we move on anyone else um sir it's gone yeah please go ahead yeah in our fellowship uh we have uh some of HIV patients uh but we don't disclose that to everyone but uh some of them they know but they they feel at home uh no inhibition and they're uh by God's grace in the beginning they came from Hindu backgrounds and fully dejected and depressed and society has really in some villages it's very difficult but through this fellowship we could support them and now they are really growing in the Lord enjoying the goodness of the Lord rejoicing in him and reaching out to others with the gospel so I think any person when we apply this 10 principle they can come out of whatever situation they are in they have seen so many cases not only HIV AIDS patients but different from different backgrounds and if people who have not studied and we have a mixture of people because we have doctors and we have also people who are not educated but still in this fellowship they feel at home and they can move together without any inhibition or hindrance because of the work of the spirit in us just wanted to share thank you yeah thank you so wonderful to hear that yeah and what I also realize is that you know like for some who are you know totally in a very bad place maybe because of addictions you know I just thought I just mentioned that um they also need the firmness they also need the you know somebody to make the decisions with regarding regarding their schedule discipline you know they need that firmness as well and so that is also you know required to go with it not only do we do I believe in you but you know but here are some things that you know since you so you want to change here are some things that that you need to hold on to I'm going to hold you accountable to this right that firmness and the discipline um so I you know that needs to go hand in hand as well right wonderful okay so let's um anybody about the confrontation principle anything that you could share um so far we've been hearing about the number 10 so probably you didn't move beyond the number 10 principle yeah is that the reason um something about confrontation okay so yeah I guess not no problem so we'll let's let's move on to the the the next one which is building trust building trust mutually you know it takes two people um to trust one another and both need to have mutual trust to to have a win-win situation right so so when we when we need to when what would really help us in focusing on others is to to build that trust okay so um so we're going to look at that I just want us to watch the video and and then we will have a discussion on that right um yeah so let me share the video with you go to the third level of relationships which is the trust level can we build mutual trust at this level there are five people principles number 12 the bedrock principle the bedrock principle basically says trust is the foundation of any relationship george mcdonald said it right when he said it is a greater complement to be trusted than to be loved and the question is that I must ask myself am I a trustworthy person warn venice says integrity is the basis of trust which is not so much an ingredient of leadership as it is a product it is the one quality that cannot be acquired but must be earned it is given by co-workers and followers and without it the leader cannot function so three truths about trust number one trust begins with yourself that's why shakespeare wrote this above all to thine own self be true and it must follow as the night the day thou cance not then be false to any man if you're not honest with yourself you will not be capable of honesty with others self deception is the enemy of relationships it also undermines personal growth if a person does not admit his shortcomings he cannot improve him goes back to a principle we've already learned the mirror principle the first person we must examine is ourselves trust begins with yourself number two trust cannot be compartmentalized charo bill the wife and friend of a friend and author bob bill says one of the realities of life is that if you can't trust a person at all points you can't trust him or her at any point goes back to a book i wrote there's no such thing as business ethics why because there's no such thing as business ethics there's just ethics can't compartmentalize ethics you can't compartmentalize trust you can't you can't look at your people that work with you and say you can trust me and go home with your family says you can't trust me you it's got to be trust in all areas thirdly trust works like a bank account like abrush off author of it your ship states trust is like a bank account you have got to keep making deposits if you want it to grow on occasions things will go things will go wrong and you have to make a withdrawal meanwhile it is sitting in the bank earning interest it's a great comparison you've got trust is like a bank account you got to be putting something in and if you and i are i use the phrases like coins in my pocket it's like change in my pocket and and i'm either i'm either gathering change and having more or else i i'm losing change and here's what i want you to understand in this area of trust when you and i fail if we have if we have been trustworthy and we have made a lot of deposits we have something we can lean on that will get us through it but but if if we're low on our trust change and we do something wrong we're bankrupt so questions to ask yourself questions such as am i making deposits think about your most important relationships are you exhibiting trustworthy behavior that's putting relational money in the bank am i making withdrawals have you undermined trust in any of these important relationships if so you need to try to make things right don't wait another minute to take the appropriate action by doing the following in other words if you are withdrawing and you're you're you're losing trust you're losing trust number one apologize number two ask yourself why you broke trust spend some time with yourself and i would also say if you can't figure that out go to someone who cares much for you and ask them why have i broken this trust number three correct the trust issue in your life once you have discovered why you have broken a trust now let's make some real effort to correct this issue in your life number four boy this one is so true recognize that it takes longer to restore trust than to lose it you lose trust i lose trust quickly and when i do lose trust it takes a long time to restore again in my counseling with people in the area of relationships that's one of the reasons i've always said have relationships that are always trustworthy because if you break that trust in a relationship you can break that trust very quickly but it takes a long time to rebuild it number five remember trust is restored by deeds not just words in other words doing these things won't earn you new change but it may stop you from losing more and you just might save a relationship a great question to ask is this one am i compounding my trust Mike Shoshesky the head coach in basketball duke university offers this advice if you set up an atmosphere of communication and trust it becomes a tradition older team members will establish your credibility with newer ones and even if you don't like everything about they don't like everything about you they still say he's trustworthy he's committed to us in a team back in 1978 i had a a friend that has been one of my mentors throughout life his name is tom philip and i was very very young and um starting to get a little bit of success and tom sat down with me one day i'll never forget over dinner and he said john he says you're doing good and he said you're going to do very well and he said one of the issues that you're going to have to be the most difficult as you get successful is you're going to always be asking yourself who can i trust why are they around me what do they want what's in it for them and i'll never forget it looked at me and and he said i just want you to know that as you journey in your life i will always be a trustworthy person for you you will always be able to trust now that was said to me oh my goodness that was said to me in the 70s that was said to me 30 years ago and i have found that tom to be exactly that kind of a friend he it's been tested his trust has been tested dozens of times and it's never violated and it's been a great encouragement to me to be also that kind of a trustworthy friend to someone else somebody that they can just trust in closing on the people principle writer chaplain to queen victoria charles keensley said a blessed thing it is for any man or woman to have a friend one human soul whom we can trust utterly i love this phrase right here who knows the best and the worst of us and who loves us in spite of all of our faults that's a major statement people principle number 13 the situation principle never let the situation mean more than the relationship the question i must ask myself is do i sometimes put the situation ahead of my relationship i one time had a friend of mine tell me it's more rewarding to resolve a situation than it is to dissolve a relationship and that is so very very true you know when you and i take our marriage vows and we we we get married of course again you could talk no sense into so they're just holding hands and thinking about the wedding cake and it just it's you know alone but there's a reason in those vows that we talk about for better or worse for richer or poor now you'll see again i don't think they'd do any good because we're all thinking for better for richer i mean it's just kind of worthless but you're trying to help them understand there is a downside in making commitment now the good news is although you can't do much about it that day they will very quickly find the other side they'll very quickly realize that there's as much worse sometimes as there is better and that life is difficult now here's what i want you understand situations that occur it's those situations and how we handle those situations that will either draw us closer in our relationship or it will begin to separate us in that relationship so in your notes take a moment to think about your relationships and now look at the following list and determine which words best describe them and you can see the bad ones are on the left and the good ones are on the right volatile or steady deceitful or open selfish or mature draining or refreshing insecure or secure manipulating or accepting conditional or unconditional breaking or bonding the column on the left describes interaction where the relationship fluctuates with the situation well that's so true the column on the right describes interaction where the relationship is rock solid regardless of the situation in my book today matters i write successful people make right decisions early and then they manage those decisions daily and to keep your perspective and prevent you from allowing the situation to become more important than the relationship you can ask yourself several questions i suggest you start with these four do i see the big picture or just the bad picture and number two do i communicate the big picture along with the bad one i'll stop here just for a moment to say i grew up in a wonderful home i had tremendous parents in fact they're still alive and i was an ordinary kid you find that would be very difficult for you to imagine that but i was an ordinary kid i just not like a bad kid i just if you're high energy and you're creative you just get in trouble and i did and my parents before they would discipline me i can still remember it so well they'd be there because i'm gonna here comes i'm gonna get disciplined again in fact there are many times when i would be doing something saying this will cost me this will cost me but it is so much fun i'll pay the price and before disciplining me never ever was i disciplined without them first talking about how unconditionally they loved me now as a kid i my thing back to them was if you love me you won't discipline you know i i think maybe there's a softness or an opening for debate here or negotiation and i never won that one 30 minutes after the discipline without fail hundreds of times this has happened mom or dad would come around hold me love on me and tell me how valuable i was and how important i was and how unconditionally they loved me they sandwiched it i'm gonna take something my self-image and who i am and what i think about myself is wrapped up in that ability to to see the big picture to have a total perspective to to never allow the situation to become more important than the relationship question number three do i make oh my i see this happen so much do i make too many situations a life or death issue some families some people at the workplace just everything is life or death and dean smith was so right used to be the coach at north carolina basketball coach he said if you make every game a life and death proposition you'll be dead a lot in other words we need to pick our battle i just see some people they just get upset over the smallest of things and what i've discovered about them is that almost always when people get upset over all the little things and make big things out of the little things it's not the little things it's the problems issues in their own heart they've never resolved number four is this a one-time situation or an oft-repeated one there's a big difference between a situation that occurs once and one that occurs again and again both affect the relationship and both require commitment however a recurring issue will need the commitment from all parties involved to sustain the relationship and ultimately change the situation but if it's a one-time deal be careful don't again let the situation mean more than the relationship people principle number 14 the bob principle when bob has a problem with everyone bob is usually the problem boy that's the truth alexander pope says all seems infected that the infected spy as all looks yellow to the jaundiced eye the question i must ask myself and my bob because it's so true if bob has a problem with everyone usually bobs the problem and all of us as we're taking these notes and listening to this relationship teaching everyone has no bob don't we huh i mean just you know no matter where he is there are problems or not always bob it could be bobetta so how do you know bob when you see him number one bob is a problem carrier he just is he carries problems with him you have mail carriers you understand every day they go and deliver the mail we've got problem carriers every day they walk around delivering problems to people as a young leader again having a board meetings in the congregation that i was leading it was just amazing every board mean there would be three or four of the board members that say well we're having a problem here we're having a problem there and i'll never forget after doing this for about five or six months i said you know what let's do i let's if we're going to if we're going to represent somebody that says there's a problem i said we have to we have to say who it was we just have to put a name with that problem never forget the next meeting when somebody said well there's a problem here i said who told you that and they gave me a name and i'll never forget on the other side of guy said well they told me that too we discovered in a congregation of about 800 there were 11 people there were problem carriers every day they got up and delivered problems to certain people and once we identified them and realized we were all carrying the problem mail for the problem carriers we decided we weren't going to put it in our sack anymore you understand see some people some people can find some people can find a solution in every problem and there are a lot of people who can find a problem in every solution they're problem carriers then bob bob's not only a problem carrier he's a problem finder oh yes bob also likes to find problems and expose them to others he subscribes to chism's second law which says anytime things appear to be going better you have overlooked something thirdly bob is a problem creator you see it in fact i've often said that that people basically carry two buckets around with them and when a problem breaks out they either have a bucket of water or a bucket of gasoline and when that little fire you know starts to spark a little bit they either take that bucket of of water and smother it out and it's just been nothing but a whip to smoke or else they take that bucket of gasoline and when they get done with a little deal it's a big deal i mean there are just some people no matter how little the problem is when they're done with it you've got a disaster it's their gift and then bob is a problem receiver he's not only a carrier finder and a creator he receives problems he's like the he's like the lady true story great story when i went to in san diego when i went to a congregation there i there were just some problems that just there were just several groups of ladies who seem to have problems i'd bring them in and i'd talk to them and after doing about doing talking about 12 different groups all of a sudden it hit me one day that there was one lady every time i brought a group in there she was and all of a sudden it hit me it's like called her in and i'll call her bobby and i said bobby i said i i've just noticed that every time there's a problem you are in the midst there are and i said i've come to conclusion bobby that i want to help you with your issue i've come to the conclusion that you are a a problem carrier finder creator and receiver in fact i said bobby let me use that analogy we can get our hands around here you're like a garbage dump i said when the garbage truck comes down the street you know what they do they pick up garbage i put my garbage out there you know what i mean and they come and they they they pick it up they and they take it away and all day long they collect garbage and fill their truck up and at the end of the day they drive their truck to a certain place there's one place in town that loves garbage called the garbage dump i said they never take their truck and back up to my front yard and start to dump it i mean i'd be out there so quick i mean hello they know better than that they're not going to dump it in your yard because they know we don't want it but there's one place that wants garbage all the garbage of the city every day seeks it out backs up bobby you're the dump people seek you out they have garbage and they say oh i know who wants this they don't dump it at my house they take it to your place so what do you do about bob what do you do about bobby number one respond with a positive comment when they start dumping stuff on you number two encourage steps towards resolution anytime someone brings you a problem the year has with another person and hasn't personally addressed the problem with that other person he's really engaging in gossip you are too if you listen to it years ago i came across again dear abbey who illustrates the destructive power of gossip my name is gossip i have no respect for justice i maim without killing i break hearts and ruin lives i'm cunning and malicious and gather strength with age the more i'm quoted the more i'm believed my victims are helpless they cannot protect themselves against me because i have no name and i have no face to track me down is impossible the harder you try the more elusive i become i am nobody's friends and once i tarnish a reputation it is never the same i topple governments and wreck marriages i ruin careers and cause sleepless nights heartaches and indigestion i make innocent people cry in their pillows even my name hisses i'm called gossip number three ask bob to think before speaking the letter t is it true letter h is it helpful letter i is it inspiring the letter n is it necessary and the letter k is it kind and one more thing number four keep bob away from others as much as possible isolate bob if nest i think we'll stop there we looked at some you know some hard-eating facts there three things right one is about trust the other one about how we place relationships with regard to the situation and the third thing about problems and certain kinds of people you know it could be us who what i mean it would draw into problems not just to not to solve them but really to talk about it to you know to discuss it maybe even to create it make it worse um so and especially you know if i'm just reminded of that example of this person going to see a doctor the person says you know doctor you know i'm just hurting there's something wrong with me i'm hurting all over right so the person goes and and and so the doctor asks where where are you hurting this is you know i'm hurting here you know i'm hurting here i'm hurting here hurting here i'm hurting here the doctor examines and there's nothing wrong but the problem is that you know there's nothing wrong with the head nothing wrong with the face nothing wrong with the shoulder nothing wrong with the chest and wherever this person was pointing but there was something wrong with the finger with which the person the finger was broken so wherever the finger was placed, it was obviously hurting. Sometimes it's like that. So when we have a problem with ourselves, then everything we see is a problem. Every person we meet is a problem and we've not really resolved the problem with ourselves. So I think the one about trust was very, very important. Can we trust ourselves? Or am I a trustworthy person? I think that's something that we can work on. As much as we expect trust from our team leaders, we expect trust from our peers. We expect trust in all relationships. It's a natural expectation. But can we say that we are trustworthy? That's a very important question. Have we, in the recent past, are we consistent in our speech, in our action, in our commitment? Is our yes a yes? Or is our no a no? Or do we say yes and not really explain if it becomes a no. Not really explain or give valid reasons. Or are they just excuses? Or is it just silence sometimes? So it's really important for us to ask that question and address that issue with ourselves. So as much as we want to build trust, we see that it starts with us. And also the second thing about relationships, it's again, it's a very fine line where, when it comes to family, maybe we value the relationship. When it comes to maybe certain ministry associations, maybe not every environment, every situation, we value the relationships, where we sometimes value the situation more. And I've seen it happen in the workplace, maybe like a salesperson, customer kind of relationship, where you want the situation, you want to benefit out of the situation and you don't really care for the end user. And for that moment, we actually win. It is a win. Targets are achieved. We've said something, we've committed something and we have absolutely have no intention of keeping. And that day is one, that month is one, you've kept your job, you've achieved your targets, you've got your incentives. But we know that we've lost the person. There is a time when the person realizes that this is a person not to be trusted, they have not kept the commitments. And so it does more damage. First of all, you've lost your trust. Second of all, there's no lasting business coming from that person. So you don't really grow the customer. It's very short lived. And there's no repeat business coming from that customer. And I'm just using this example, sure. There's other places where you can apply this as well. So when we give importance priority to the situation without value in the relationship, in the long run, it is always, we always lose. Okay, so we'll stop here and we'll proceed in the next class. So you all have a good weekend. God bless. We'll see you next week. Bye-bye. Thank you, Bestie. Thank you. God bless. Thank you, Bestie. Thank you. Bye-bye.