 This was played by Frank Black in his orchestra, and now, ladies and gentlemen, I was about to present Jack Benny to you. But I just found out that something has happened to him which I'd rather not mention here. However, we will do the best we can without him. So now, Frank Black in his orchestra... Aloy, Aloy, Mr. Havilla, tell me what's happened to Jack? Nothing, Mary. Nothing to worry about. Well, tell me, what's happened, please? Well, Mary, I hate to tell you, but it seems that Jack went out of his mind and they just took him to a sanitarium. Oh, this is horrible. This is terrible. Yes, I think fighting a dealer with Frank Black and then spending a night in the haunted house was just too much for him. Yes, and buying their round of drinks didn't help matters. No. Hey, what's the matter, Mary? Jack's been taken to a sanitarium. Sanitarium? Why, I was just talking with him this afternoon. When did all this happen? Oh, just a little while ago. Hey, it's only two blocks from here. Let's go over and see, poor Jack. Come on, Mary. Come on, Mary. This must be the place, Mary. What can I do for you, folks? We want to see Mr. Jack Benny. He's a friend of ours. Right this way. Follow me. There he is in that padded fell. He can only stay five minutes. I wonder if we can talk to him. Yes, but be careful of what you say. I better talk to him first. Hello, Jack. Don't you know me? I'm Mary Livington. Why, Mary? How are you, dear? Uh, why, uh, why, uh, don't you know where you are, Jack? Well, yes, Mary. I'm, I'm in a sanitarium. Hey, alloys, you seem perfectly sane. They couldn't have been here. Oh, wait, I'll find out. How are you feeling, Jack? Fine, alloys. I never felt better in my life. Well, uh, uh, then why have they got you in here? Oh, I don't know, alloys. All I know is I'm here. That's all. Oh, hello, Parker. Hello, Jack. I'm awfully sorry to see you here. That's all right, Parker. They'll find out their mistakes. Say, Frank, you ask him a few questions. Sure. Jack, you remember me, don't you? Certainly, Frank Black. Hey, do you bring that poop for me, Frank? Yes. Yeah, well, then stop eating it. There's nothing to matter with you, Jack. What have they got you in here for? Hey, Garner, if I know, say, Frank, there are a lot of people here who don't belong. See that fellow in the next cell? Yes, Jack. And you notice how quiet he is, never opens his mouth, doesn't interfere in anything? What's the matter with him? He thinks he's Vice President Garner. But you don't think you're somebody else, do you, Jack? Why, no, Mary. Of course not. I'm Jack Denny. Well, I'm going to see the superintendent and make him let you out. Where's the superintendent? In the third cell. He just got through with his income tax. He's been hollering numbers all day, you know. But there must be something wrong with you, Jack. Tell me, did you lose your money in Wall Street? Certainly not. I never lost a cent, Frank. Is it a sweetheart? Oh, don't make me laugh. I never have any trouble with women. But you must be here for some reason. I tell you, there's no reason. It's all a mistake. But it is not a mistake to buy the 1934 Chevrolet. Ah! Ah! Ah! That's it! That's it! It's the Advertiser! You take him away! It's the action wheels and it's fictional brass ventilation. Hold them! Hold them! Hold them! Thank you all. Thank you, Frank. I was flying back and back and this boy's playing nasty man for the motion to George White's sandals. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I want to apologize really for going off my nuts. But after all the Shakespeare once said, the whole world's an asylum and we're all crazy about something or other. For instance, take the different nationalities. One is crazy about spaghetti, another is goofy about herring. Winchill is that way about burning. Einstein is crazy about his relatives and that's the way it goes. Say, Frank, isn't there really, Frank? Isn't there something in the world that you're crazy about? Sure, hazelnuts. I eat them all day. There you are, folks. There's a nut that's nuts about nuts. Everybody has a weakness. Now, take Mary Livingston. Mary. Mary, what are you crazy about? Well, I'm crazy about class able. Oh, does he know it? No, that's what makes me crazy. Say, Jack, can I get in on this? Sure, Parker. What are you crazy about? Garlic. Garlic? Say, that reminds me, Parker, I wish you'd only be crazy about it on weekdays. Why, all the opera singers eat garlic. In fact, it's the secret of my success. Yeah, well, if you think it's a secret, you are crazy. Well, what's wrong with that? I like garlic, too. I eat it all the time. Mary, why do you eat garlic when you know it smells so bad? Well, I tried eating roses, Jack, but they don't taste a bit good. Let's hear from you, Jack. You must be crazy about something. What is it? Well, alloys, I'm a collector of coins. I mean, that's my hobby. You know, I save rare old coins. Yes, when they get in your pocket, they become rare. Black again. But before they come out again, they're old. Is that so, yes. Yes, I'd like to see one of your coins make a personal appearance. Oh, yeah? What about that round of drinks I bought last night? Hey, listen, Frank, can I help it if you picked up the check while I was out phoning? Yes. There was no telephone in that place. Yeah, well, that's my story. You'll have to give me time to change it. I thought so. Yeah, so what? Oh, nothing. Oh, well, like a day. I think so. Oh, also, dull night, isn't it, Beck? Yeah, nothing to talk about. Anything new, Hebron? Well, yes. In 1934, sure. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Well, it's a long boy. Oh, where you going, Jack? Back to the sanatorium, yes. Right, Frank. Yeah. How are kids in the moonlight? A motion taker flying down a reef. And again this week, we received a fan letter. And if all the fan mail we get here were placed end to end, it would reach twice around. What other program can fit? Here's the letter, Jack. Oh, yes, this is from way out west in Arizona. It says, Mr. Jack Benny, chair of satin island ferry boat. They must have found out about my vacation. It says, dear Mr. Benny, although it cost us nothing to listen to you on the radio, we still feel cheated. In fact, if all the half hours we spent listening to you were placed end to end, they would reach twice around to Annie's nose. How did you guess that, Mary? We live out here in Arizona where men are men and women are the God's darndest things. And we would like to see you and we would like to see you put on a real he-man play of the wide open spaces. A real west thriller, Elk's Offered and Hostage, Galanti Gulch, Arizona. So they want a western play, eh? Well, we will not put on a western play tonight. But too much bother on such short notice. Telegram, telegram from Mr. Benny. Here you are, boys. Here we have it. Jack Benny, NBC, New York, New York. You received our letter asking you to put on a western play. Don't fail us, Cal Crawford. You received Jack and Pipps on us. But it's impossible, Mary. We can't do it on this. Mary, answer that. Hello. Hello, yes. Yes, Mr. Benny received your telegram and letter asking him to put on a western play. All right, I'll tell him. Goodbye. All right. Never let it be said that the Chevrolet program can't put on a western play. Go out and get a hundred horses and a thousand cattle. Yes, Jack. Have Rilla round up a couple of thousand head of cattle. Okay. And you, Mary, you dig up some cactus. How about a pin cushion? It's the same thing. Okay, as long as it's western, you know? And now, folks, it takes quite a while to bill a rant. Frank Black, who thinks Cheyenne is a bachelor girl. Mmm, Mr. Benny will play Pony Boy. Okay, Frank. Yippee! All right, Frank. All right. Yippee! He gives me one. Oh, that was Pony Boy played by Frank Black and his orchestra. Now for our great western play, play of the Golden West, Arizona. The first scene takes place on the Benny Z Ranch in Poison Gulch, Arizona. The toughest spot between Phoenix and Ashport. Curtains. Music frames. Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute, Frank. We're not waiting. We're not going out that far. You know, just Arizona, that's all. Oh, pardon me. Yeah, well, just Arizona, yeah. Arizona! Arizona! That's better, Frank. Arizona! That's fine music they write out west, though. Yippee! You're misfortune's and I'm a clown. Yippee! I don't give long until it's over. Tell me why you'll make me a little home. Yippee! The hour goes the old dinner bells. Come on, boys, let's get some shower into it. That's a good idea, boys. I'm stopped. Me, too. Who said that? I did. Hey, when did you join this year's outfit? I checked my saddle in yesterday. What's your name, son? Jones. Not Buck Jones. No, his little brother, 50 cents. Oh, half-buck, I think. Now, there's a two-bit joke, huh? Well, boys, let's go in. I'm so hungry I could eat a bar. A chocolate bar? No, a grizzly bar. That's the way we talk in the west. West Virginia. Yeah, let's keep Mae West out of it. Well, boys, let's go in a feed bag. You know, we got a Chinese cook out here now. What do we got for supper tonight? Ongo, senchao, senchao. Beans again, man. Well, I want to tell you something. I'm not satisfied with your... Hey, boss, what's up? Our Chinese cook? Yeah, he's been listening to the rise of the Goldbergs so much finally got him. Come on, boys, sit down. The soup's here. I see that you fellas are all flicked up tonight. Of course, Ma Nietzsche's coming in today from back east. You're coming to stay out here at the ranch with us for a while. They tell Nietzsche he's a mighty pretty gal. Yes, and I don't want any of you rough cowhands to sign in up to us. Hey, say, Curly, stop broadcasting that soup. Hello, Ken. Where have you been all day? Oh, just a spin in my rope. I'll spend us six hours without stopping. Why? To keep a hole in the house. Well, the 615 ought to be in pretty soon, say, Curly. I want you to go down to the Depot, meet Ma Nietzsche and bring her out to the ranch. Her name's Mary. I think the horse left first. Well, fellas, let's have a little tea. Come on. Come on, boys. Come in. Old Sheriff Harvilla of Carbolly County. How are you, Sheriff? OK, Coyote Jack. All things on the ranch. Not bad at all. Put down your salad. May your salad faddle. Put down your faddle and make yourself the hole. I'll buy a little snork. Well, don't mind if I do. I'll have a little iodine. All we got is peroxide, but help yourself. Look here, Coyote. Have you been a brand in your cattle lately? Just a minute, boys. What's that, Sheriff? All said, have you been a brand in your cattle? I used to brand them with a red hot iron, but I had to cut it out. Why? Smoke got in their eyes. So now I just use a rubber stamp. Hey, Sheriff, what made you ask? Well, I'll tell you. I saw some of your stock on the Columbus Circle ranch this afternoon. Yeah? In other words, I think somebody's been a rustling your cattle. Oh, yeah? Well, I'll check up on my herd right away. Hey, Canyon Pease. Yes? Have we been a-missing any cattle lately? Yes, boys. Last month, we lost 50 heads. I don't care about the head. The best meets in the middle. Well, I'm just a warning you, that's all. I reckon I better go out and check up on those critters. I'll be right back, boys. Come on, cattle, line up. Attention, I'll call the roll. Henry. John. Frank. That sounds familiar, yeah? Spike. Clarence. Clarence. I'll move to you. I'll move to you, too. Parker. Sam. Sam. Oh, absentee. Richard. Richard. The DC ranch has got Sam and Richard. So they've been a-ruffling my cattle, eh? Well, they ain't going to get away with it. Hey, boys. Boy, what do you think has happened? Our cattle's been cooked. No. What do you think we ought to do about it? I don't know. Let's have another tool. Hey, boys. I brought you neat Mary. Here she is. Well, well, well. Hello, Mary. Hello, coyote. It's coyote, Mary. Oh. Tell me, gal, how's things back east? I reckon I'll do. What about it? Still running. Well, I might have glad things are moving along. How's the automatic, Mary? They certainly do miss you. So this is the ranch house, eh? Yeah, this is the old ranch house. The last week it was a haunted house and looks the same to me. Quiet, Mary. Come in. Hello, stranger. What can I do for you? Hey, my car just broke down. I'd like to borrow your ranch. But this is a cattle ranch. Oh, pardon me. I thought it was a monkey ranch. Shut that door and keep these jokes off this ranch. Well, you see if he owned a Chevrolet, that couldn't have happened. Right, Sheriff. Oh, Mary, this is our Sheriff. Sheriff, this is Monique from back east. Hello, Lori. Hiya, Mary. Looks like you two met before, huh? Well, coyote, what are you going to do about those there cattle of yours? I'll plumb forgot about that. I'm going to ride over to that T.C. ranch and take our stuff. Better be careful, coyote. Curly's been telling me about the bad man over in that ranch. Yeah, who owns that outfit, Sheriff? Rattlesnake Black. That guy, eh? Hmm, just a tenderloin. A tenderfoot, huh? Well, I'm going over there on myself. I can handle him alone. Oh, boy. Ain't no room in Arizona for both Rattlesnake Black and me. Yeah, he said that, too. Hey, Sheriff, how do I get that Columbus Circle ranch? Well, you ride down Lenox Road until you get to Harlem Creek. Then you go through Central Park Canyon on to Columbus Circle. I can take the subway and get there quicker. They boss, your horse is ready. Well, I reckon I'll better get it going. Hey, Pete, bring me my five-gallon hat. You only got a gallon left. I'll take that. So long, boys. I'll get Rattlesnake Black and I'll get Rattlesnake Black and I'll get Rattlesnake Black and I'll get Rattlesnake Black single-handed. Yeah, boy. Oh, dynamite. Oh, take it easy, boy. Come on, mount him, cowboy. Say, boss, I forgot to tell you that horse ain't never been rode before. Well, I never rode a horse before either, so we're starting together. Oh, yeah? Say, Sheriff, who I have to get those two cows back? You sure do coyote for the honor of your outfit. Oh, all right. Oh, dynamite. Come on, ride him, cowboy. Yippee! Well, I'm on him, anyway. Oh-ho. Funny how a horse that's so full of hate can be so hard to sit on. You always had that trouble with horses? Yeah, last summer, I didn't win a bet. Oh, there, horsey. It's a fine way to advertise Chevrolet. Oh, my heavens. Jack fell off his horse. Look out, he's stepping on him. Dynamite is now riding Jack. Oh, ain't that cute? Oh. Wait, I think he's hurt. Oh, poor Jack. Jack, are you hurt? Jack, well, Sheriff, see if you can revive him. Get the ball to quit. Oh, I'll be all right. There you are. Speak to me, it's Mary. Mary, take a letter, yeah. Jack, the way do I get this horse to you out of your ear? Oh, leave it there. It might be luck. Take a letter. To whom? Brattle, snake, black. Fear, rat. You've taken my cattle, Jack, I'm four. No, you can have the ranch, the horses, and my five-gallon hat, too. Find Coyote Jack. Is that all? No, P.F. P.F., what's that? Play Frank. That was the last number of the 24th program on the 18th of March. Well, folks, our time is up now and we'll be with you again next Sunday night. And in partying, all I can say is I'd love to spend this half hour with you. That's all he will spend. Tonight, folks. This program has come to you through the cursory of the motor car dealers in your community who represent the 1934 Chevrolet. This is the National Broadcasting Company.